Some Things To Ponder:
Wisdom of an 83 year old
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (You wouldn't be able to do this though, cause you'd die of the fumes first).
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (I'm really interest in finding out who measured that one).
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What's the deal with the pig?)
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm...)
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
Right-handed people live, on the average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, it's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm home...what the...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig....quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes don't have brains.
After reading all these, all I can say is "Darn Pigs".
What did cows do before farms?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Does beauty come from within... like gas?
Why do we pay water bills? Water's supposed to be free!
If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?
What is the plural of "a heck of a guy"?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
What goes through the birds mind when it flies through a fireworks display?
What year did Jesus think it was?
What exactly is a "diddley squat"?
If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?
When you close your eyes and rub real hard, do you see that checker-board pattern?
What clinic did Betty Ford go to?
Is it just me?
How do the chinese cut their steak?
Is the day after tomorrow the third day of the rest of your life?
Why are all of the HomeEc teachers divorced?
What makes the Teflon stick to the pan?
Why do they call them buildings when they're already built?
Why do they call a women's prison a penal colony?
Why do cowboys wear 2 spurs? If one side of the horse goes, so does the other.
Shouldn't 'good' and 'food' rhyme?
How come when a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.95 per minute?
This story is from someone who grew up in rural America in the '50's and '60's.
On any given day, you could walk through the high school parking lot and observe that half of the vehicles parked there were trucks with windows rolled down and doors unlocked. Most of them carried, as standard equipment, an FFA sticker (Future Farmers of America) and a gun rack with at least one gun, usually loaded. You could make the same observation at any of the four high school campuses in our county. Amazingly, I do not ever recall reading or hearing about mass shootings in any of those high schools. What has changed in America is not the accessibility of guns, but the character of man. On the wall in my parents home is a plaque awarded to my father in recognition of service for 27 years on the local school board. He told me that for years, a standard requirement on every teacher's contract was membership in a local church. I remember starting every school day with the pledge and prayer. I remember when girls who got pregnant in high school were ashamed, when abortions were illegal, when the divorce rare was not 50%, because couples stayed together for the kid's sake, when there were no x-rated movies, when milk cartons didn't have missing kids faces on them and I didn't know anyone personally who used drugs. I remember when kids were taught respect for authority and accountability to God. I hear people say that the good old days weren't always so good but please don't tell me you think these are better. Last night I attended a high school football game that was covered by local and national news. The news coverage was not about the football teams, but about the defiance of a court order by one brave little Texas town to preserve the right to pray before a football game. The more this country struggles to free itself from religion, the more we become entangled in the consequences. If people are taught they came from slime, the obvious questions and consequences must follow; What is the purpose of my existence (hopelessness), who made you the boss of me (lawlessness), why are your rules good and mine bad (relativism), what does it matter how I live if I came from slime and return to slime (immorality and inhumanity)? I realize that in any given poll, the vast majority of Americans claim to believe in God, I claim to believe that running is good for me but that does not make me a runner. Putting on my running shoes and running makes me a runner. The climbing abortion rate, murder rate, divorce rate, alcoholism and drug abuse rate, child and spousal abuse rate contradict that claim and prove that actions speak louder than words. It is an observable truth that the best time you will ever make on any American City freeway is on Sunday morning, because there are no traffic jams getting to church. For those who believe that separation of church and state is not enough, that the world would be better off with no church at all, ask yourself this question: How many hospitals, universities, orphanages, homeless and abuse shelters have been founded by the ACLU or American Atheist Society? It is the inclusion of the word Catholic, Baptist, Presbyterian, Christian, etc., in the name of so many of these institutions that proves by actions, not just words, who really cares for the suffering of mankind and desires to make the world better. The question that people should be asking is not "Why does God allow tragedies?", but "When will we realize that no nation, in the history of the world, has ever separated itself from God and evolved to a better society?" Of course, to answer, you would have to know history. Most people, it would seem, prefer People Magazine.
(Joyce Minor Asst. Director of Development and Alumni Relations, University of Alabama School of Law)
Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull,
some have weird names, and all are different colors..
...but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The average housefly lives for one month.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
Figure that one out.. there are 9 people in this picture!
Dirt Roads.....by Paul Harvey
What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved. There's not a problem in America today, crime, drugs, education, divorce, and delinquency that wouldn't be remedied if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character.People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride. That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog. We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along. There was less crime in our streets before they were paved. Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5 barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun. And there were no drive by shootings. Our values were better when our roads were worse! People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust and bust your windshield with rocks. Dirt Roads taught patience. Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly; you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk you walked to the barn for your milk. For your mail, you walked to the mailbox. What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony rides on Daddy's shoulders ... and you learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody. At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap. Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole. At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini. At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, for when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out. Usually you got a dollar ... always you got a new friend ... at the end of a Dirt Road.
Did you know that if shop mannequins were real women they'd be too thin to menstruate?
There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only eight who do.
Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.
If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.
The average woman weighs 144 lbs and wears between a size 12-14.
One out of every four college aged women has an eating disorder.
The models in the magazines are airbrushed - not perfect!
A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful.
Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman. Today they weigh 23% less.
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing,"
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
Actor Tommy Lee Jones and Vice President Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
When you believe you are intelligent,
you act intelligently.
when you believe you are loving,
you act lovingly and attract love.
When you believe you are limitless,
you act limitlessly and attract success.
Why not accept the truth,
that you were born to be happy,
to succeed and to live life abundantly?
By putting your attention on the most positive manifestation of your chart
you create love, joy and peace in your life.
It is your life.
Do You Know?
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
Did you know...
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women
women can hear & smell better.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% - The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
That San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "The whole 9 yards."
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
the value of ten years,
Ask a newly divorced couple.
the value of four years,
Ask a graduate.
the value of one year,
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
the value of nine months,
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
the value of one month,
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
the value of one week,
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
the value of one hour,
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
the value of one minute,
Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
the value of one second,
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
the value of one millisecond,
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
the value of a friend,
Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture .
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
Never noticed but maybe the research is true...
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become
DID YOU KNOW...?
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. I keep my toothbrush in the living room now.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.p> Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
The wingspan of the B-36, a retired USAF bomber, was twice as long.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are ma de from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All U.S. presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like to be seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
And the best for last...
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Buzzard, Bat & the Bumblebee
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.
In many ways, there are lots of people like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. They are struggling about with all their problems and frustrations, not ever realizing that the answer is right there "Above" them.
THIS IS SCARY BUT TRUE IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT...
From a school board attorney:
a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health & Human Services)
Now think about this:
a. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 time more dangerous than gun owners.
NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat !!! We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!! Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to panic and seek medical attention !!!
This was taken in Macchu Picchu in Peru.