2017

January 27, 2017
Wow.. going through my old diary entries as I'm updating my website is so interesting. It's brought up some issues... Daddy issues..lol. Men definitely had a hold on me in my life! Approval issues I guess. I'm glad I have Donny in my life. I feel accepted by him - with pretty much everything and I'm glad he's not the jealous type and lets me have my male friends... cause I definitely make friends easier with males than with females.. girls are so High School!
I think I met Tim M in order to move to Wisconsin.. don't know if I ever would've moved here if I didn't have him in my life. I believe that everyone in our life serves some kind of purpose... his purpose seemed to be having me move here.
Also read about Mike from La Crescent. He enters my mind every now and again. Another mentally ill man in my life that I was falling for. It's so sad that he took his own life. I've dated a lot of guys with mental illness and now had several guys I was close to pass away. Sadness! Paul hit me the hardest I think, cause he was murdered. I found out on the day before his birthday, cause like every year, I looked him up on the internet.. and here was his obituary. I sometimes feel him in my presence since I started working on being a medium. I so would like to solve his murder. Jillian gave me some girls' name in TX she is friends with who supposely is a medium.. I have to get in touch with her yet..we will see. Todd killed himself as well. Dave D molested his own daughter.
David and Jenny are doing great. Jenny is getting married to Chad in September. David is going to China a lot with work and getting a shit ton of money. Jenny and Chad are making just as much though as David and Mandy are making. I need to apply for social security.. I have a hard time working with my arms nowadays. I still work at Eagle Crest, but if I work my weekends I feel it after just the two days straight. I so do not want another surgery and we surely can't afford it either. I would be out of work for at least 4 - 6 months for just one arm.. and I need to have both shoulders done.
Jessica admitted herself to Psych.. I'm glad.. maybe that will get her in a better place. Emily is on bad drugs and refused to go to rehab with her boyfriend when he asked her to. And Tydon started on his pot again.. not very happy.. he's starting to not go to classes at school and not coming home till real late... I'm so hoping he will at least finish High School. And I'm praying that Benji is like David and sees this crap and runs from it because of it when he gets older.
I made a few new friends lately. There's Tari from work I'm getting pretty close to and Shawn from work as well. Shawn and I went walking the dogs the other day. Would be nice if that was a weekly thing now. I'm also making friends with Deb (I have a lunch date with her today) and we have a lot in common. Then there's Paul (the Chiro) and Jen from his office.. I feel like they're almost extended family. I really wanna make friends with Benji's teacher. He's an awesome person and we seem to have a lot in common as well. And of all names, his name is Mike L (from past life dreams). Wendy.. I LOVE Wendy. She gives me so much energy just by being around her!!! I also made friends with Jessica B. and of course there are my old friends like Lisa, Jillian and Scotty. I'm still friends with John T as well. Life is good overall!

February 2, 2017
Death - sometimes I feel like I don't handle death very well. I mean like inappropriately! When friends have people pass away I feel it's so cliche to say "Oh I'm sorry for your loss!"... but I say it anyway... My son's teacher's Ma passed away and all I was able to say was "I'm sorry to hear that!"... Of course it would've been inappropriate to hug him, but that's what I felt like doing. I so wanna talk to people about spirits and funerals and let them know they're there... but that's so inappropriate. It bothers me to say "My condolensces!". I wanna say "You get through this... it takes time... but they ARE in a better place. Of course life is never the same again after you lose a loved one (friend or parent or spouse or even child). even if you KNOW that they are in a better place and believe or know that there even is a better place. Of course it hurts. of course it makes you feel uncomfortable. You can't really see them anymore, even if you DO hear them from time to time. You can't hold them anymore... so any comforting word just sucks! Anyway, to Mike I am sending some positive energy... he may not even know what I mean by that, but I'm sending it. May he feel the presence of his Ma when he is at her funeral. May he feel her touch on his shoulder. THAT is comfort... knowing....feeling... ! That of course brought worries about my Mom up again... I SO want to see her again before she moves on. I know she's getting tired of her old body and even though she's scared of death (who wouldn't be.. it's the unknown even for those of use who KNOW there's more)... she has the longing to end her pain. I understand. But I still want to see her one more time and have Benji see his Oma one more time! Not sure how I'm gonna handle her passing either. I haven't done funerals very well in the past, cause of my empathic nature, but I'm hoping I can turn that off a bit and watch to see her, or at least feel her when she goes. I've been reading a lot of books about this subject since I found out Paul was murdered. And of course my gift tells me a lot as well.
On a brighter note, I'm almost done revamping my website. I need to update a couple more pages and add some pictures and new information I wanna add and I'm done. Yeah! I'm so proud of this website... I don't even care if anyone is reading it or not.. I made this for myself.. maybe one day someone will be helped by it.. even if it's just one person.. it was worth the creation of it!!
I need to find a male that likes to dance. I wanna learn how to dance rock'n'roll soooo bad. I also wouldn't mind learning ballroom dancing (should come easy since I used to know this), but I have no partner. :-( I also want a partner for the nutcracker, cause I don't want to dance it with some really young male or a female. I know, I'm picky! I love tap! I've had my 3rd lesson yesterday and it's coming along pretty good!! I also like Zumba, but Jillian has something going on everytime we could go. :-(

February 2, 2017
This sucks. I'm starting to hurt again like I did when I was in my 20's. I just got home from work and can barely move my arms. I have felt this coming on for the last couple of days now. I'm not sure if it's something I'm doing or the stupid weather we've been having, but I haven't felt this crappy in a long time. Fibro is a bitch! I so do not wanna do the paper route with Benji today, but it's not like he can do this by himself yet. I really hope my SSDI will go through when I apply Wednesday. I need to make more money than what I can working every other weekend. ARGH!

February 8, 2017
Today John had his MRI... I can't wait to find out the results tomorrow. I'm so worried about him that he has another tumor. I've known him for so long.. I don't wanna lose another close friend. He's way too young to go. Especially now that he cleaned up his act with the drinking. I hope he can come visit and we're gonna tear up this town singing together. I would so love to have another male friend that I could do the singing with here... and I really wish I could find a dance partner.. one that would do the nutcracker and some other dance with me... that would be so cool! I still wanna get down two sizes. I AM going to get there.. sooner or later... I'm not working so hard right now being that it's winter, but I'm staying the same.. not gaining, so once summer comes, I should be able to lose some more.
I'm going to dance the flash mob one billion rising this weekend. I can't wait. I am SOOOO excited!!!
Jessica is back out of Psych and on meds. I'm hoping she's gonna continue getting better and stay better.. still same old with the other two.
Benji is having issues with writing like Tydon does, but I'm hoping it won't get to this extreme and he will learn to do this better. I'm putting my hope in Mike. I don't really know what to do to teach him to write.. it comes so natural to me... just like math.. not knowing how is foreign to me. I always got good grades in both. Benji really doesn't like his Drama teacher, but he needs to learn to get along with people he doesn't like as well and if it's only a drama teacher, that's the best time to learn..
I'm going to be at the door again this Friday..looking forward to being able to see my friends and maybe flirt a little (depending on who's there). There's this quote out there that says something about someone always thinking about you. If that's true, I so wanna know who's thinking about me.
I am almost done with my website.. all I need to do is finish my picture album. I'm also trying to stay caught up with my youtube videos.... there's just not enough time in the day.

February 9th, 2017
Looking through the pictures and getting them on my website, I realize just how much fun Benji and I have together. We are so much alike. We laugh a LOT! Sometimes Benji gets down, but I was just like that when I was young..the older I get, the happier I really am. I don't understand people who are so afraid of aging, but then.. I KNOW there's something other than this plane.... it's easier to get older when you know passing on this plane doesn't mean you're gone. I think Benji definitely has the gift. He sees things and he is learning from me how to protect himself. He was goofing around, scaring the girls at school the other day and I told him he shouldn't do that for several reasons.. one of which being he shouldn't be scaring girls.. second he's opening himself up to a can of worms with his "games". He said "But Mom, I protect myself with the white light before I do that!".. well at least I know he's keeping himself safe..lol.
John didn't get his results yet. I can't wait till they're in. I'm just gonna look for good news and him coming to visit me. I haven't seen him in almost 19 years.. that is so nuts. I know first thing I'll do is just run in his arms and not let go!! If he doesn't come visit, the first place I wanna go after visiting my Mom is Utah. It'll be 21 years by then that I've been there.. I think it's about time. Even if he does visit. There's Deb I wanna see too. And maybe Gwen. I would love to go see Lynn too. And wonder if all of my old Karaoke friends still do the Karaoke thing... God.. Dave doing purple rain... or Bennett... what I would give to go back and see them all. They were such a big part of my life back then!
Doing Karaoke Friday night. Wish Mike would come out sometime... not really comfortable inviting him anymore.. but still wish he'd come. Would love to see him outside of school and hear him sing!!! It'd be my turf... lol. Not sure how to find out if he's annoyed by me inviting him, or if he was just busy. Too shy to just come out and ask. Looking forward to seeing Monte though. I so want him to learn a song to sing with me... he's got a beautiful voice!!!
I picked up a half shift for Tari this weekend, so I'll be working Sunday morning. I think I'll be working with Angie. Looking forward to that. I love my job! Love the people! Love learning how to cook! Wish my body would let me work more! I sometimes feel like a failure when I think of how little income I have right now. There's no way I could support myself if it wasn't for Donny. To think I somewhat supported him in the beginning... how the tables have turned!! I'm still doing most of everything else though. He's been shoveling for the most part, which is a big help! Sometimes I could strangle the man, but I'm sure he feels the same way about me sometimes...lol. Overall he's a good guy and very supportive. I wouldn't know what to do without him. He just needs to be fed a little passion.. make me feel beautiful and wanted. :-(
Benji's sledding trip has just been cancled. I think he's gonna be sad. He was looking forward to it.. If the weather is allowing it, I might take him anyway. They think it's not gonna have any snow left by Sunday. We'll see I guess.
John just said if it was something serious they would've told him right away, but why is he keep having seizures if there's nothing wrong..doesn't make sense to me. Still worried! ARGH

February 10th, 2017
I am distraught! I woke up from a dream about a hour ago. Tydon and I were arguing about Marijuana again and how it affected his whole life and since he was 18 I wanted him out since he wasn't quitting. He had a friend over that was upstairs. I was going upstairs to tell him to leave when I saw him crawling out the window with a backpack on. I saw Benji on the roof outside the window smoking pot out of a yellow bong. I started crying and screaming for him to get inside. I pulled him in by the foot. Then I talked to him and asked him if he had done this before. He didn't answer. I told him to please be honest with me and he still didn't answer. I asked him if he had done it a lot or just once and he said a lot. That's when I woke up.

I think I dreamed that because Tina was saying yesterday that my chart indicates I should be teaching of some sort. Maybe about drugs and alcohol. I said WHAT?? HELL NO! I don't want people in my life that are addicted anymore. I have had enough!! And now I'm dreaming this. So what I'm making out of this is that I wouldn't just give up on Benji if he was starting this shit, so maybe I shouldn't give up on others just because Donny's 3 turned out the way they did and won't quit. I still don't think I have the ability to teach anyone anything about drugs... It's horrible and I don't want it in my life if I can avoid it. I want to move out of here so bad... but there is nowhere to move in this world besides the Amish and even though I'd be welcoming that life, the rest of my family wouldn't. I long for a time long ago... when life was simpler.. no drugs.. no electronics... just work and candlelight and love. It might have not been easy, but there was a togetherness that's missing nowadays! :-(
I haven't heard from John yet (it's afternoon now)... worried about him.
The full moon this time has a Penumbral Lunar Eclipse. There's also a comet going by.. too bad I have to work tonight, so I can't see it. However, I can still eclipse things from my life. This time I want to eclipse my shyness and anxiety (which causes the shyness). I think I'm doing pretty good.. a lot better considering where I was 20 years ago...lol. Today I stayed in Benji's class after lunch (went to help him with some drama work.. I like the classroom better, cause I don't get mad at him like I do at home). When I stayed after, I noticed I'm not quite as nervous anymore with all the chaos and kids as I was a little while ago.. of course I get to know more and more of the kids and Mike as well, so that makes it easier too. I'm gonna try really hard tonight to be a little more outgoing behind the microphone and play around a bit instead of just calling the next singer! ... A glass of wine or two won't hurt..lol

February 11th, 2017
What an experience the flash mop was! I had so much fun and I'm definitely gonna be a part of it again next year! I messed up a couple of times, but I wasn't the only one and it's ok. I only had a week to learn the dance and I did damn good for that!
Last night was a lot of fun too. It was rather quiet at first, so I got to sing a lot, but then I got REALLY busy and it was fun too! I made $24 in tips! Monte came and didn't even get to sing, cause he had to go help out his boss. I did get a hug from him. I do like him! He's good people! I am looking forward to getting to know him a bit better! Lee came too and parked his ass by my booth. He sure loves to brag about how much money he has. Like this is going to impress me. Money doesn't impress me... you either have it or you don't... I've been on both ends.. God there was a time I was dirt poor and didn't know where the next pair of pants for my kids was gonna come from, but we sure had a lot of love and we were happy. And there was a time when I could afford a lot and had little of happiness and love.. I'd rather be poor and have that love in my life.. that's for sure.... I can have misery anytime..lol. Then I was asking him if he'll drive home and he said yes, so I couldn't help but lecture him about driving drunk... he left shortly after that.. oh well.. his loss! Jerk.. I really don't like people who drink and go behind the wheel... I can exuse it when they're young, but he's older than me.. he should know better!!!
My pupsy is so smart! I don't think he'll need official dog training. He learns so fast. He now can run a whole block with me without stopping! And he heels pretty good most of the time already. I'm just so darn proud of him. He sure got my heart in a flash! He's mostly good when I leave him home alone too. He got some bread off of the counter today while I was gone for 3 hours.. I expected to find much more of a mess than that. Well, I'm off changing my schedule for the Karaoke since I wrote down the wrong day and then it's cleaning time. Maybe I'll find the time to add pictures to my website this evening. Off to work tomorrow.

Sunday, February 12th, 2017
Well I still didn't upload any pictures. Been way too busy. I won't write a whole lot tonight, cause I still have papers to stuff. Worked this morning. We had a leak in the kitchen last night, so I had to clean that up when I got home from work and just found out that the basement is all wet. Of course Donny is already sleeping and I'm so mad at him.. he's such a pig sometimes and I'm not gonna deal with it. If the basement gets moldy cause of his shit laying all over, he can just clean it and get a new floor or something. It's just to a point where I just wanna come in and throw all of his crap away. He just won't clean it! Anyway... rant over! I then started stuffing papers right away after I was done cleaning the kitchen. I was supposed to pick up Benij's classmate Storm from his house at 3, but he wasn't home. At 5 we brought some eggs to Lisa's house and picked up Jessica for her birthday. We went out for dinner at TGIF. It was nice seeing her. Tydon went with us too, which is a rareity nowadays. I wish these kids would just quit doing drugs. I'm so helpless about this crap.. you can't really MAKE someone quit.. they have to wanna do it themselves.. and as of now, none of them are there. Jessica talked about it, but I think as long as her boyfriend self-medicates, she won't stand a chance to quit. Living in shamless Season 8..lol.
Of course Benji didn't get to do any of his homework with me being so busy, but I was just planning on going to school again tomorrow anyway and work during lunch. I stay so much calmer there than at home and we are much more productive there. Hopefully either Mike or the drama teacher will let us work there during lunch till the paper is done. (I'm hoping for Mike's room cause I'm feeling a lot more comfortable there. Heck, I haven't even remembered the drama teachers name yet..lol. Besides, I like Mike better. He has that happy air around him.. can't explain it , but my empath is feeling good most of the time around him... sometimes it gets this scattered hurried feeling but most of the time it's good!
Sparky makes me happy.. We went on a run today and I think we ran as much as we walked. He's getting so good about staying by my side and not stopping all the time. He's such an amazing dog. It's like it was fate that we got him. And really, he's my dog. He's so happy to see me when I come home and he's always around me. He's my little side-kick! He so reminds me of Cuddles. Maybe he's her reincarnation. :-) I remember when she gave birth to her puppies right by my feet. I had to actually move her so she wouldn't get the carpet all messy and she let me.. Sparky is so smart and so in tune with me, just like she was!
Today at work there was a new woman. I found out she was from Germany and I also found out people were talking behind her back due to her accent, so I went up to her, ask her if she was from Germany and started talking to her in German. Everyone was kind of staring, but everyone there likes me (even V), so I'm assuming things might be a little different for H (the German lady) form now on. I also saw D crying again today and nobody really caring about it.. so I went over there put my hand on her shoulder and said "Look, your baby (doll) is smiling so cute" and she said "Is she" and looked at me and smiled! Yeah, I made TWO people smile today. My day was a success..lol. I just don't understant how people can work there and just not care about the people crying. It makes me wanna cry. I need to do something about it. It's probably my empathic nature, but it really bothers me and I can't just go on with my day. So it really made me happy when D responded so nicely to my remark about her baby doll.
Valentines. I've been hinting to Donny that I actually want something other than a card and a candybar. I know I shouldn't be bitching cause there are wifes who don't get anything (when I was married to Doug I got nothing) but it would be so nice to get some flowers or some romantic gesture. I used to try to seduce, but don't anymore.. I guess I got shut down too many times, so I quit. Jillian is trying to give me advice, but she's the one shutting her hubby out, so she wouldn't really know what that feels like. I would never do that.. would be nice to know you're wanted and not always be the one starting. Ha.... just talked to Lisa about what would happen if someone would read my diary. I know Donny would probably never be interested enough to read it... but if he was.. maybe he would "get" it .. maybe not.. So Donny if you read this.. put a little spice in my life.. buy me some flowers.. or send me some.... And anyone else.. well.. (send me some flowers..roflmao) really though, that wouldn't really matter much now, would it, unless that person would actually say something. I guess the reason I put it open for anyone to see is cause I'm assuming noone is intested enough in ME to actually read it. And If you are reading this and you care, first of all thank you and .. heck let me know... sure would make me feel good.. . Anyway.. I figure maybe one day some woman will read my diary and say.. yup.. I feel the same way.. and know she's not alone.. so it is for her that this diary is online! I know Katherine read it way back and it really made us bond. I read a lot of her stuff as well. We're a lot alike.. if only she wasn't in Chile! It's so intersting to get into someones soul like that. If someone would let me read theirs I definitely would... Lisa said it would be awkward.. I guess it would depend on if you're in it or not and what the feelings for that person would be and then really only if those feelings would make things awkward.. not reading the diary in and of itself...I mean if someone is interested enough in YOU to read your diary, that's a compliment in and of itself! Well, I need to get back to stuffing papers now.... maybe tomorrow I'll find the time to put all the new pics in my album online. At least I got the movies on youtube.

February 13th, 2017
Today is my Mom's 79th Birthday. I'm glad she's still with us and I can't wait to next year when I can see her on her Birthday!!
Donny was very nice this morning. He warmed the car up for me so I wouldn't have to scrape it. He's been really good about that lately. It means a lot to me and probably more than he'll ever realize, even though I DO tell him I appreciate it.
I got that darn cold. Hope the Vitamin C will help me get over it quickly!
Today I went to the Mall with Angie, a girl I met at the Green Door and kinda befriended. She needed a ride and ended up buying me a nice red dress I was gonna buy. Wow.. I was floored!! That was so nice of her.. I almost cried. How sweet! She likes Java Veno too, so I'll take her there sometime for lunch or something!
Jillian is sick too! Everything is extreme with her!
Benji is almost done with his drama story. I will meet at least one more time with him during lunch. I have to work tomorrow (Todd asked me cause they have a big Valentines dinner planned, so I think I'll be prepping). Shaun is working too.. gonna give him shit for not calling me Tuesday to go on a walk with the dogs. I was looking forward to that. :-( However, I think it's gonna be nice out for a while now, so we can go his next day off. I think Angie has a dog too, so maybe we can go on a walk together.... or perhabs a hike somewhere now that it's getting nice out. Now I miss Utah.. the beautiful mountains and walks... but I'd probably still have Asthma problems if I was to live there, so here is better anyway.
Did I talk about my bucket list yet? I WANNA GO TO ALASKA!!! It's so beautiful out there. I think I like the mountains more than the beach, unless I could find a beach that wasn't so darn busy! I don't like busy places much I guess... gets me to anxious... something I need to get over yet. I also wanna go down a zipline.. Alone the thought of it gets me anxious, because of the height, but unlike the rope course, once you go, you go... you can't stop...lol. I'll probably scream like a baby, but it would be so much fun!!! And no, I may be afraid and anxious, but that doesn't mean I don't wanna do these things, or WON'T do these things.. that just makes me wanna do them more, cause I wanna overcome my fear!!!
I can't wait to see what the 25th brings. It's a Saturday that I'm doing Karaoke next and I haven't done a Saturday in a LONG time.. can't wait to see who shows up... I hope I'll be just as busy as Fridays. Would show Jake that it's me that's bringing the business in. I would like that!! Maybe I'll have time to go the Friday before and then I can tell the people who don't have FB to come too...like Monte. I'll probably be wearing my new dress that weekend! Thank you Angie!! :-)

I think once I updated my pictures, my next thing is gonna be gathering information to write a book. I wanna write about spirituality stuff... Tina said I should do something to teach with my gift and possibly speak.. well, if I am successful with writing something, that would be the start. I know I'm a good writer.. I've always gotten good grades.. I mean REALLY good grades in my papers.. so it could very well be that SOMEONE would wanna read my crap I'm writing. Who knows, right? Would be nice to make a living with my gifts, but not doing readings and charging money.. I'm just not that kind of person. It makes me extremely uncomfortable when I'm asked to do readings face to face. I question my gifts too much. I know I shouldn't, but I do.. maybe down the road?! Anyway.. that's on my to do list... as well as my bucket list... write a book on spirituality...some kind of teaching book!

Later that day
Well, I was talking about the book to my family and wondering out loud about publishing and stuff when Benji disclosed that Mike is writing a book about mindfulness.. Hmmm.... I should invite him for dinner sometime.. but he probably wouldn't come anyway... Jillian said Tina publishes, so I might just talk to her. Thinking about my past attempts on inviting Mike into MY life instead of just Benji's have seem to be fruitless, so maybe I should just give up on that. I know his reason in our life is for Benji, but I thought there's another connection though.. everyone seems to think that it's not just coincidence about his name. I could've realized his name years ago, but I didn't.. so NOW has to be something about it. Ok, time to sleep and dream on it. I'm drawn to Monte too, so I know there's something there too. I never know what's appropriate and what's not with Monte. I know he likes me, so any encouragement is probably NOT ok. I'm not looking to replace my hubby.. just making friends, but again.. I'm drawn to his soul. Is it for a reason, a season or a lifetime..lol... (I love that quote)!!
I long for a friend like Aaron used to be. I wish he would live closer.. John too. I miss you guys so bad!! I long for the hours of talking on the mountain with Aaron... seeing the city from way above and just getting lost in our talks.. for hours! I miss true friendship! The kind only two souls who've been in contact before can be! Ok, back to the here and now! On to updating my website and getting that done!!

Later again
I was just thinking of the past... Aaron read my diary! We were so close.. what happened here Aaron. We should've never dated.. that totally destroyed what we had! I mean yeah, we're friends again.. but... we'll never be where we were before! I guess some people read my diary. He was the one pointing out the names having last names wasn't cool.. lol.. that's why there are no more last names..went through my whole diary and deleted them. Cheri read it too... told me she now understood my divorce from Doug better.. Shauna used to tell everyone that I was the one cheating on Doug..hahahaha. I was so naive back then and thought we had a good realtionship when he cheated on me pretty much from day one... he so deserves the Karma he got!!! Than Kathrine in Chile read it.... who knows who else. So maybe I'm not the only one thinking I'm a good writer if I can keep an audience hooked on my life..lol. Bedtime!

February 14th, 2017
Best Valentine gift ever. John does not have any growth in his brain. No cancer, no tumor.. so he'll be around to torment me a little longer!! Yeah!
So I got a Chunky (candybar) and a card for Valentines... just like always. I went to Walgreens and got him a bag of snickers and a card.. really not much thought involved. :-( Oh well, huh? It's just a stupid non-holiday anyway!
Went to Benji's Valentine's Party.. it's kinda weird..when I enter that room during a party I get transported back to when I was 12 or so and all shy.. watching the other kids have fun and me being too shy to participate. I really have to try hard to do anything.. and it's not like I think I have to be embarrassed to dance around or even sing. I KNOW I'm a good singer and I dance pretty good too... so what the heck is holding me back? Mike (the teacher) is up there singing and dancing... the kids are going nuts... I hate that about me.. and then you take me to the Green Door and I'm so comfortable I don't care if anyone is dancing, I just go up and do it.. I don't have a care in the world.. it's kinda pissing me off! I'm 51 years old and still haven't figured myself out..lol. But.. I keep trying and I AM better now than I was the first time I went into the classroom... maybe if I had a friend with me I'd feel differently, cause I could be silly WITH that person, sort of like I'm silly with Benji. Oh well.. like I said.. I keep trying.
I haven't had any dreams last night, not about a book, nor anything else I remember. :-( Will have to try again tonight.
My favorite song right now is by Midnight Cinema and I wish they had it on Karaoke, but if I want that, I'm gonna have to make it. It's called Edge of the Earth and it so speaks to me right now!

February 15th, 2016
God I feel so alive right now! Went tap dancing tonight and I just absolutely LOVE dancing! Still wish I could find someone to do some ball room and the rock stuff with.. but for the rock, I probably need to lose a few more pounds... little heavy for a partner to lift yet..lol. I'm sure I'll get there... I have plans and ambition! What's nice is that the tap dancing is actually coming together for me.. I can shuffle good enough where I had some gals comment on it and applaud me when I did the triple baffalo today.. yeah!! There's something about leading an active lifestyle that is just so fullfilling.. I wish Donny would get this and get his ass off of the office chair!!! I could see us lose each other after a while, cause we're kinda going seperate ways.. I hate to see that, but I'm not willing to just sit here either! Get with the program Mister!..lol. Maybe if I could have ONE male friend to do all of this with that had a spouse that didn't like all that either... maybe that would work... ahhh, who knows.. no worries.. Universe knows and will deliver!
Today I spend some time with Jillian. She brought me some flowers and a coach purse for Valentines. Her hubby bought her a new one, so she gave me her old one. It's still in good shape and I will use it for a dance bag... it's the perfect size for that!!
Going shopping with Angie tomorrow morning and then to Tina with Jillian. Gonna be interesting when I tell Tina about my planning on writing a book.
Hmmm, this is the first time I'm wondering if I should express something here that I'm doing, cause Benji shared my website and just in case someone would stumble upon this.. I would ruin a surprise. I doubt this would happen, but you just never know. I will talk about it afterwards I guess...but I'm really excited cause I got the go from other people involved and I just know it's gonna be awesome and so deserving! It's kinda a little for myself, cause I never got that. And that's all I'm gonna say for now.. when I read this in the future I'll know what it's about and whoever else reads it will know once the future arrived too...lol.
I got a couple of paragraphs for my book done: You can smile now! Once you realize that there realy is an after life, you may feel happy, overwhelmed, spiritually energized, drained, ecstatic, confused and scared, all at the same time. This is your spiritual awakening and just of a sudden you realize: "I have all of this power inside of me!".
That is part of one of the paragraphs I wrote so far. It sounds good to me! Bedtime!

February 16th, 2017
Argh.. Benji pulled his shit again.. saw he had diarrhea this morning, so told me he had a belly ache. Made him go to school anyway, probably going on Mike's nerves, cause I called and Benji called and then went in to bring him lunch and ended up bringing him home... then fast forward 1 1/2 hours and he's just fine. So I told him.. no more coming home or staying home unless he's either having a fever, throwing up, or having THREE bouts of diarrhea... little turd!! I'm making him do some of the drama stuff this weekend, that's for sure!!! When I left, I told Mike he didn't want me there tomorrow and he said he would've come in for me... lol.. he should come to Karaoke then.. that would be more appreciated.. I so want him to see me in MY space... I'm so different from school. But I think he sees some of that in the movies that Benji shared.. come to think of it.. there's so many different sides of me. I had fun with Angie this morning.. time flew.. and then I went to Tina with Jessica and told her about my book starting and she liked it. Thought she would! I can't wait till next Saturday till I can wear the dress Angie bought for me. I might even go to the Door next Friday too, just to invite Monte to the Door for Saturday. I can't wait! I have so much fun now at the Door... I feel like if I was Bipolar, right now I am in my Manic episode..lol. I feel so free and good about myself.
Well, just talked to Wendy. If I can get Jessica to babysit, I think I might go to the Green Door for a bit tonight, since I can't go this weekend and I don't have to get up in the morning. I haven't been out on a Thursday in years!

Ha, just found out I have a babysitter.. Door here I come. So excited.. going with some of my girls!!

February 17th, 2017
Had fun last night. Jessica pulled her shit again and even though she said she would babysit just a couple of hours prior to me leaving, she wouldn't answer the phone (after Ash picked it up) nor come to the door.. REALLY? Benji is sad about it.. that's the biggest issue.. I just left them for a couple of hours... they're old enough to be home alone for a couple of hours. But the point is that I HAD a babysitter lined up and Benji was looking forward to it and then that. BULLSHIT! But Benji had Tommy so it wasn't too bad... I won't ask her anymore that's for sure..not gonna have Benji dissapointed like that! I don't care how anxious or depressed you are, you just don't do that to people. Especially not to kids!!!
Danced and sang my heart out like always. Kay and Angie came and Tracey and the other Angie were sitting with us too. Minnow was there and when he line danced with me I told him about La Crosse Dance Center and how they're looking for male dancers for the nutcracker. They need them desperately. He looked interested. Would be cool. I wouldn't mind dancing with him. He's a nice guy... older, but not too old..lol. I didn't really wanna leave, but didn't want to leave the kids alone longer than two hours, so I was home by midnight. I called Benji three times to check in as well.
Had the strangest dream last night.. involving Benji, his teacher and some strange school in a strange city... just weird all together!! I guess I should be happy I remembered a dream..lol

Afternoon
Why is it, that the people you care about the most.. the ones you so want in your life.. could give a rats ass about you... and the ones you don't really feel a connection with want you in their life as besties... I just don't get it! I feel like I've had these Daddy issues infiltrate my entire life.. not skinny enough.. not pretty enough.. not smart enough.. not successful enough.. not.. not... not.. I AM ENOUGH! I'm beautiful..heck I'm sexy! And I've lost and still am losing a ton of weight! I'm smart... heck...being in the top 5% is DAMN smart!! I've BEEN successful. I ran a business for 17 years..successfully...made damn good money for most of that time to support my OWN ass..thank you very much!! My Dad has passed he needs to shut the hell up!!! His words have haunted me ALL of my life... emotional abuse SUCKS! I know he loved me and I've forgiven him..but my God.. I wish I could shut up his voice in my head for good! And then of course there are my classmates. I've shown a few what happened with that little mouse in the corner... they were impressed seeing me the last time I was in Germany.. I'm not that little mouse anymore that just sits there and lets everyone step all over her. HA! I wish I could sing at a class reunion.. I'd blow their fucking minds! Yes, I'm on a rant.. just shit going on in my head today.
I had a good time walking at the Marsh with Sparky... I ran a bit and walked a bit. Sparky gets weird when he goes by anything with wheels.. he just stops dead in his tracks..makes it hard to run. But it was beauitful out... warm and sunny... I loved it!

February 18th, 2017
It's Aaron and Brandon's Birthday today. I don't think of Brandon a heck of a lot, but today he's been on my mind. He's been gone a while now and we weren't really close when he passed, but there was a time we WERE really close. I miss Aaron's friendship. The way we were before we were an item. Biggest mistake I've ever made! I worked today. Working tomorrow too.. Work goes by so fast, it's unbelievable! I love my job! Now I'm off to do a few pictures and then off to bed!

February 20th, 2017
And here we go again. Tydon has been arrested for criminal tresspass and possession of paraphenelia. He went into the closed South branch library and evidently fucked his girlfriend. WTF is wrong with him.. never mind.. I know... but still.. Quit doing drugs and take your damn medicine!!! I really can't wait till he's out of the house.. I get so tired being his Mom... I know I still be his Mom when he moves, just like Emily, but I can remove myself emotionally a lot easier than I can now. It's just like a big rollercoaster... one day I have hope, the next it's shattered... and on and on we go. WHAT IS MY LESSON in all that? What can I do for HIM to succeed.. I feel so helpless... and useless. Why was I placed in these kids' life when I can do nothing to prevent them from falling? It's back to self-preservation on my part and keeping Benji safe and sound. Argh! Then my phone was hacked and I had to restore it... scared the shit out of me, but thankfully it's just that.. a restore.. I didn't lose my phone.. I couldn't have afforded a new one.. money is way too tight for that. I should start printing tax forms.. paperwork should be coming in for the bankruptcy any day now and then I can start filing taxes. Not that I can spend any of that money if I want to go see my Ma next February, but at least I know IF I can go see her. I'm so tired right now.. I need a re-charge from someone... a nice big hug! I can't wait to go to the Door Friday... I'm gonna steal a hug from Monte!!

February 21st, 2017
How awesome is this... I just found out that the girl Mike is with is a gal I've known and liked for years, even before I knew Mike for who Mike was. I was wondering whatever happend to her, cause we used to drop our kids off at about the same time and I never seen her anymore... I have to write later, cause I'm going out with the girls, but I was just wanting to jot this down so I won't forget... the universe works in mysterious ways!!
So Paula..that's her name.. I used to see her pull up and we always said hi and she always had a smile on her face.. total positive energy.. JUST LIKE MIKE!!! I loved seeing her and she was always nice.. and just of a sudden..no more Paula.. I haven't seen her in a long time... so Jillian has been telling me that Mike was dating Paula... well, I didn't realize it was THAT Paula..lol... so psyched.. they are so perfect for each other!! Will talk to her tomorrow about the Party. Now I even want to be friends with Mike more, cause then I get a two for one.. I would get to be Paula's friend too!!! I think maybe if Donny would get to know them, he would open up a bit as well and we'd do more... who knows... but who knows if they would even be open to a friendship with us. :-(
Well Brian just showed up and woke me up. He has the cops at his house and he needs a place to stay. They're pretty much kicking him out.. he was taking the papers from the bills he paid and she called the cops on him. WTF? He's the one paid them and they're making him giving them back? Not cool! She's such a bitch. I'm glad he's finally out of there though. He's hooking up with Tonya right away though and I hope she's not gonna break his heart too. Not so sure about her in regards to men... she doesn't have the best track record. We'll see I guess. Well, gonna go through some stuff and wait to hear before I go back to bed!
Was just thinking what an awesome hubby I have. We talked a couple of days ago about Mike and his name and what that means to me.. us... and he did say he was a little apprehensive at first, but not much and not really. I'm really happy he's so secure with me, even though I do wish he was a little more romantic and a little more spontaneous. I wish he would show me he wants me more... I so want to be wanted! It's really the only complaint about him I have. Ok, Brian is back so I'm getting off of here.

February 23rd, 2017
OMFG! I guess you can't be nice to anybody of the opposite sex without being suspected of trying to get into their pants.. wow... planning this party for someone.. surprise thing... and talked to the girlfriend and everything seemed ok until today when I talked to another friend of theirs and she made some snide remarks, including letting me know that "they are practically married"... wtf... all I need is for her to let rumors fly.. shit like that spreads like wildfire and would affect the way Benji would be handled.. not what I want..so I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings... if I have any inkling that the girlfriend is jealous of me throwing this party, then I'll back out completely.. I really don't need this!!! I so wanna Monte hug!

February 24th, 2017
Wow, just cleaned stuff up in the hot tub room for the birds and was gonna put some shock in the hot tub so we can go in it this weekend when I found a rubber...OMG... I'm so tired of Tydon living with us.. I wish I could throw him out. Maybe I should start making his life a living hell so he WILL leave NOW... I can't believe he had sex with his cunt in my hot tub. I hope her cootchie and his dick fall off! I can't believe how disrespectful he is period.. I'm sick of it!!! As much as I love Donny.. if I could've forseen the future, I probably woulnd't have married him.. maybe stayed with him in seperate houses, but not marry him. What his kids put me through is unbelievable. I just don't know what it is I'm supposed to learn from all of that, besides that I was humbled about my Psychology schooling.. but I aleardy learned that nuture vs nature is bullshit.. nature always wins!.. so now can I please live my life in peace? Sometimes I just wanna take Benji and run away... but I DO love my man... and I can keep it all together for another 6 months.... I think... Argh!
This morning was hard for me too.. the whole Mike thing still bothers me.. I didn't even wanna go in the classroom OR say good morning to him... he didn't do anything to me though.. that would really be kinda mean... I just have to keep it together there too. I will keep on the way I have always been and just make sure people know I'm married? I guess Donny has to come out more... Can't wait till Lego League starts, cause he WILL be out more and people will see us together and KNOW we're a good couple!!!
After talking to Paula, it's realy for sure not her.. .just grandma... I can live with that.. as long as Paula doesn't think I'm trying to steal her man.. would never do that!!! Even if I was single!!! Just to make sure I asked her if I was stepping on her toes and she said no, that she really didn't have anything planned at all, cause Mike doesn't like to be the center of attention. Hmmm. he's gonna be 50 and he's gonna have a party if he likes it or not...roflmao.. no but really.. we solved the center of attention problem too.. I found out it was Teri's 50th in November, so we're combining parties for the two of them. Teri's gonna think she's helping with Mike's party...haha... I'm so excited.. she has no clue!!! So we met (the other Mom's and I) at JavaVino to go over details today and I sent out a mass e-mail to all the parents. All 6 of us have their own little task to do. I will take care of the cards, water and Pizza. I can't believe how excited I am doing this.. it's so much fun throwing a surprise like this!!
This is fricken weird. So Monte showed up and I talked to him and found out he was born same day as me... if that's not strange..lol. No wonder we get along. He was born 3 years before me TO THE DAY!! And I got my Monte hug..lol.

February 25th, 2017
wow.... I don't even know where to begin. So I KJ'ed at the Door last night and the only regulars that showed up were Dawn, Marty and Monte. However, Heidi and Mike from SOTA came (not the teacher Mike, but Heidi's husband) and we talked a bit and she's gonna try and get some SOTA people together for my next GD gig. Then Jen came (Horizon Advocate) with a few people. It was nice seeing everyone. Monte sat by my booth the whole night and he stayed a lot later than usual. He all but proposed to me. The attention felt nice, but... yeah... I want to be his friend. There's deffinitely a mutual attraction, but nothing I will follow. Of course there's temptation, but I cannot do this to Donny, Benji or myself. Like I said so many times.. the Grass is NOT greener on the other side. If I was single, I probably wouldn't have went home last night, but I'm not. I want Donny to be the one giving me that kind of attention and being the kind of guy that can't keep his fingers off of me, cause he's attracted to me. I'm pretty and I deserve to be wanted. Wake up Donny! I'm still here!

February 27th, 2017
One more week till Mikes party. I'm so excited. I hope he likes it!! I will do the cards for both, him and Teri today (hopefully I get them both done) I will bring them into school and let the kids sign them on Monday morning. I really like beig the mastermind on this. It feels good to make someone happy when they deserve it like him. I still wish he would be interested in being a friend, but I kinda let that go for now.. maybe when he gets to know Donny more and Paula too.. we can all be friends? Would be nice.
Monte.. wow... I really don't know what to do about him. I mean, like I said before, I like him and am attacted to him (his soul) as well, but wow.. so let me talk about yesterday. I went to Jillian's house and talked a bit, went to Lisa's house and talked a bit.. especially about the Tydon situation of me putting it out on facebook and Ann bitching about it... she seems to think it's just me cause I'm not the bio-mom.. hell no.. Donny wants him out of the house just as much as I do, cause he's a fuck up. He gets depressed (Donny) because of the way his kids disrespect him and our home. I actually was really close to a nervous breakdown and I told Donny I feel like going to my Ma's for 6 months until Tydon is out of the house. I really do. (I told Monte and he said "No!" and then "Take me with you"... (then contemplating if he needed a visa)... But that's not what I wanna talk about... can't do anything about that anyway. I then went to All Star to talk to Monte. On the way I got stopped by police saying I ran a stop sign (which I didn't) and he ended up giving me a warning. Told Monte I really like him and would love to be his friend, but that there can't be more, cause I'm not leaving Donny, nor cheating on him. So he said he'll wait.. I told him I don't like it when he talks that way and he asked me why.. I said I feel uncomfortable and he said why since nobody knows what the future will bring and who knows what I feel like a year from now. A YEAR? He's gonna sit there and wait for me for a year, knowing I'm not leaving Donny? He's known me for less than two months.. I just don't get it. But then I do... I'm a libra... we're born on the same day and when I fall I fall.. fast and hard... but I also know he'll get over it... like I said, I really like the attention, I just wish it came from Donny. Anyway.. I stayed for about 10 minutes and then left. While I was there I saw Amy.. we didn't really talk, but once I got home she called me. We talked a while and I ended up going back to All Star to talk to her. Come to find out she wasn't the only one lying... Brian made up all kinds of shit. I was floored when she called him confronting him with him not knowing I was listening... so I told Amy she needs to be honest with me, regardless if she thinks it'll hurt my feelings or whatever and she promised she would try. So we're trying to build our friendship again. Anyway, when I left I got me a Monte hug and he was talking about not quitting flirting with me and I said flirting was ok, but there is stuff that's just going too far and it would be different if I didn't know he liked me. And he said "Oh I more than like you, but we're not gonna go there right now"... wtf Monte! I don't want you to talk like that, cause knowing that I'm not leaving Donny and knowing you like me way too much, makes me also know you're sad cause you can't be with me, which in turn makes me sad.. ARGHHH! Song in my head "Don't worry.. be happy!"...lol. I guess what I need to do is just enjoy the flirting and the knowledge that there's somebody out there that I mean the world to. And that DOES feel good!

March 7th, 2017
Yesterday was a blast. Mike was soooo surprised and he was happy. I could see it in his face. I made his day!!! And the kids loved it too! And Teri did too! All in all it was a success and I will forever be ingrained in Mike's memory! The kids actually have told him it was the highlight of the year thus far. I'm so proud of myself and so happy to have put a smile on his face on his 50th!!!
It's kinda weird about Monte. I mean, he's so not my type... however, I love the attention! BUT... I'm not so sure if I want to introduce him to anyone anymore. It seems to be all about Monte... his way.. I was actually needing to talk to someone tonight and when I texted him telling him I missed him he called and talked to me for 1 minute.. maybe 2. When I remember how it was in the past when someone really liked me in the beginning..they would talk to me for hours and nothing was more important than me. That's what we all want (at least I think we all want that. I know I do!!!). So not only is he not my type as far as looks (he has a handsome face, but he's overweight, has health problems, gambles, etc), but he's also rather un-interested when it comes to my life. So yeah.. and he's trying to tell me Donny is not interested in me..well, a hell of a lot more than he is. Donny listens to me time after time talking about anything and everything. He trusts me (mostly). And he's there for me, ALWAYS! He might lack a litlte passion and ambition, but he makes up for that in everything else that he is and does! No Monte.. really... you could take lessons from Donny... you may have the upper hand when it comes to talking about how much passion and stuff you have, but it's the actual doing that counts. Hmmmm....
I hope Mike will come to the SOTA reunion party at the Green Door, but I feel he won't. I SOOOO want him to come and party with us! With or without Paula.. doesn't really matter.. I hear she's a homebody, so she can stay home.. I won't like her any less...lol.
I went to court with Tydon today. I'm so done with all of that. He's considered an adult now, so I don't have to worry about having to pay for him anymore. That's a plus! He told me 2 hours before the court date that he had to go. He didn't take the plea bargain, so now he has to go to court on Thursday.. he will be going without me, cause I'll be going to Tina's. I can't wait till I can kick him out of the house and he can deal without effecting me!

Monday, March 13th, 2017
Wow, it's almost been a week since I wrote.. so wanted to try and write every day this year..lol.
Well, Tydon is on the run. He has a warrant out for his arrest, since he didn't go to court Thursday. I'm hoping he will turn himself in today, but who knows. Maybe one day he will learn.
I went to Eau Clair with Jenny yesterday to get her wedding gown fitted. She's so pretty! I can't wait till the wedding. I may be getting a dress for her wedding. It's really beautiful. We had a lot of fun together. I miss her!
Monte... oh Monte!... I don't know what to do with this man. It makes me sad to think he won't be in my life anymore, but I can't jeapordize my marriage over him either. Tonight I will talk to him and find out if he's a goner! He's taken too much claim on me and people are talking and women are trying to cause a problem.. can't have that! I so would like him as a friend, but... if he can't take me being married and staying married and back off just a little bit, then the friendship thing just won't work.. :-( I will talk to him tonight about all of this and I'm hoping things will go the way "I" want them to go!!

Tuesday, March 14th, 2017
Well, things went good with Monte and I saw him again last night and we had a good time at Robin's Nest just shooten the shit. He said he would like to be mine and Donny's friend.. don't see why not!!
I just realized today that it's almost summer. NOOOOO! I'm gonna miss Mike so bad! I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE being in his classroom. He just has that damn energy I love charging up on! You just can't be in Mike's classroom and not leave re-charged!! It just hit me when Benji got the Kickepoo Field trip form. Of course I'm gonna go.. it's my favorite field trip of the year! I hope we get to go out on the canoe again. I only did it one other time and I absolutely loved it! That was at their last field trip to Kickepoo. I also realized that he hasn't said anything about Lego club yet... gonna have to ask him tomorrow. Benji thinks that Mike would come to his Birthday party. I told him he was allowed to invite him, but not to expect him to show up. He said that he said he would go to Morgan's party a while back. Well, I hope he's not gonna be dissapointed. :-(
Went and got groceries with Amy this morning and then to the Eagles Club for a hour this evening to see her again. I was thinking about going to the Steering Committee meeting, but decided against it. I also was thinking about going to the Titanic auditions, but didn't do it cause I didnt have sheet music for a song that they told me they would like.. I could've done one accapello, but being that I just found out about the auditions today, there was no prep time for me whatsoever so nope.. didn't do it. However, gonna be in a play at the end of the month with the Alternative Truth Project. That's gonna be interesting. And in May I will be dancing at the sharing with Benji.. yeah.. I so love doing the drama and dance stuff!!! And of course the singing!! I really enjoy my life right about now..just wish I had a close friend to share my passions with.. none of the people I dance with really click with me.. maybe the truth project? We will see, I haven't been there yet, just know that I'll be performing!
I went to see the Eagles the other day and talked to Mike about it and yesterday at Parent Teacher Conferences he was telling me he went to see the Tundra Swans (and I think Pelikans) by Centerville.. and I SOOO want to go see them!! Never seen Swans in the wild before! Maybe I get to go this weekend after work. He was also talking about taking his canoe out to see the Eagles.. man... I wish I would've been there... that man is so interesting!! I wonder if that's something that he shares with Paula... anyway.. I wonder if I can get Donny interested in canoeing.. they have rentals..we also could put our peddle boat back to use.

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