February 1st, 2009
Ok, I'm done. This is just ridiculous! Jessica and I just got into it again. And it all started cause she was supposed to do the kitchen and she started off by not cleaning the High Chairs. I tried to get it off of the table and it slipped and fell and she accused me of throwing it. Then she said that she tried to do her chores right but she couldn't. I told her that her little brother knew how to do his chores better than her. He did a great job last week! Then she accused me of always yelling at her for no reason and that her Dad never yells at her (yeah right). When I told her to ask her Dad about things around here she said he is like a Zombi and he always jumps when I want him to do something. When questioned she said that if I want him for something and tell her to go get him he always comes. I asked "So when I need my husband for something and ask him to come he should say no?" She said "Well, he's on the computer doing something." And I said "Yeah, he works 40 hours when he sits on the computer he plays." and she says "And he deserves that" And I said "And when I need him for something that takes priority over him playing" then I said something to that effect that "don't I deserve a little down time too? and she said "but you're at home all the time. You can sit down whenever you want to." Oh my FUCKING God! I work my ass off and I get this shit. I told her "I wish I could find a job where I get this much pay and just leave the house for 40 hours and come home and don't have anything to do." WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. She seems to think I have to do everything in the house and her and Donny can just sit there and fucking play. She doesn't want me to yell at her. She doesn't want me to give her chores "cause nobody in my school has to do chores" and "we're not a normal family cause nobody ever yells like you do" When I told her if she would listen to me I wouldn't have to yell and I wish I wouldn't have to yell she said I must've yelled at David and Jenny too cause they yell too... occasionally I did yell at them, but not like I yell at her, that's for sure and I did point out that I don't have to yell at Emily or Tydon nearly as much as her... When I mentioned Tydon she said "Well that's because he's a boy"... EVEYRTHING TO MAKE IT NOT HER FAULT! I can not take this anymore. I am so close to a nervous breakdown. Right now I just want to quit.... take my little guy and Donny and leave everything else behind. I guess I do love Emily and Tydon, but Jessica is making me not like her at all. It's been going on so long. I just told her I quit. I will never yell at her again, or ask her to do chores again, but I will not do anything for her I don't have to by law. I will cook for her and make sure she has clothes. I will not celebrate her Birthday. I will not buy her new things. I will not wash her clothes. I will not parent her.. give her a bedtime..she can go whenever she wants to. She can play as many games on her DS as she wants to or watch TV into the morning hours. I will not wake her up for school. I will not even give her kisses good night. she broke something in me tonight. I don't know if it will ever come back, but she did break my love for her. I can't look at her and feel love at this moment. I feel like I should lover her... a parent is supposed to have unconditional love for their child. But I think I made a mistake when I adopted her. I wish I could unadopt her. I wish I had the money to put her in a bording school. She thinks Donny thinks much different.. I know he loves her with all of his heart, but he also says she is really hard to parent and he also gets frustrated with her... he just shows it different.. he likes to stick his head in the sand. well, Now I'm doing the same.. she can parent herself.. that's what she wants that's what she gets. I'm done. And as weird as this sounds... my heart is starting to feel lighter by saying this. I feel I'm destressing as I'm writing this.

I found a piece of property I might be interested in to move to. It's only 19 thousand and is in Whitehall.. only a 15 to 20 minute drive from Donny's work. I could build my house on there I've always wanted. My way, my house! It would probably still be a while before I can put a house on it, but I could put a trailer on it as soon as I can sell this house and then start building over the summer. It would be a dream come true.. I always wanted to build a house out in the country and this would be closer to Eau Claire too, where shopping would be really nice compared to La Crosse. It would also be a little closer to the Twin cities. I'm going to check the bank tomorrow to see if they'd let us get a loan like that without much of a down..or how much of a down we need.

Benji has been as sweet as always. He keeps me going. He is such an easy kid!!! I want to be pregnant again so bad. I guess for his sake I need to quit yelling at Jessica, cause he will grow up thinking that's normal... I don't want that for him. Jessica is far from being normal. What also scares me is him getting close to the Fosters and then them having to leave to go back home... what is the impact on him on that? I'm sure it has to feel like someone he loved has died. I don't think I want that for him. It's time for change.. and it's time for it soon!! I don't think I want any more new fosters, so when one leaves, he won't be replaced. Maybe I'll do respite.. not sure yet. But my Benji is the light of my life. The only time he goes on my nerves is when he gets tired and I can't give him what he needs right away, but I think that's the only time I ever get stressed from him and there's a solution for that.... put him down for a nap (or sometimes it just takes some nursing and he's fine).

I just got done helping Emily with her hair.. I almost think she appreciated it. It feels that way, even though she didn't say anything. She has such dry icky hair... I don't want to cut it off, so I need to do something with it so it'll look right. I washed and conditioned it and it felt so soft afterward... something she does is not right, cause it sure doesn't feel that way when she does it. I told her I'm going to buy her some leave-in-conditioner... maybe that'll do the trick.

May 21st, 2009
Things have been changing trastically again lately. We are no longer Foster Parents (we're concentrating on our own problem children for now) and we bought a piece of land out in the boon dox. Now we're going to put the house on the market June 1st and as soon as we sell it we will build on our property. I can't wait. It's soooo beautiful. I just thought of an old friend of mine who helped me through my first divorce. His name was Ed Ames. I think I found him on Myspace, but he hasn't been on there for a while. I would love to re-connect with him. I always thought of him as a special friend. Someone who made me feel special when I needed to feel that the most. I don't know whatever happened that made us drift apart... I think my divorce and us getting "too" close probably did the trick, but I wish I wouldn't have. I know he was good people. There's never enough good people in your life. I know people change, but there's the underlying personality that just doesn't change..at least not drastically. Another person I was wondering about lately is Penny. She was good people too. I tried finding her but with no success. My good friend Bella is in the hospital again. She has had nothing but bad luck lately. Her hip has been broken several times now and I know it's taking an emotional toll on her.

Benji is still as cute as can be and is making me so proud of him. He keeps learning new things that amaze me. He's just awesome!!! As far as the other kids concerns, we just started family counseling. I can't do it alone and Donny really doesn't know what to do either. Lately I stepped back from parenting Jessica when he is home and he had to step up to the plate and Jessica was just totally surprised that her Dad would yell at her too. She just couldn't believe that her Dad was against her. Now she knows it's not just me and it's really neither me nor her Dad, it's her not doing what she's supposed to be doing. It's been easier on me since Donny took over, but it has a toll on him as well. He gets kids overload too, so yeah! Two more years and Theresa comes out of prison... I don't even want to know what will happen then. I just fear for the worst in that case. Well, off to working on the house again to get it ready to sell.