January 29, 2002
Lisa and I have become really close friends by now. She's really a great addition to my life. Scotty is still my Karaoke buddy... he doesn't come around besides the Karaoke and the parties, but that's ok.. that's how John was too. John called and said he's going to try to visit.. how I would love to have him here... I love the guy..I think he's about the longest friend I've had in UT, cause he's pretty much the only one who really stays in contact with me... without me having to call him all the time.. he calls me. Well, Thomas has been paying his share now and he's been to a couple of shows, which is nice. He's better I would say.. I was talking about this young guy back in September that I started having a crush on... well, I didn't see him for a very long time and then I saw him again when I had my show on the 11th. He finally had enough guts to ask me to dance..and of course I did. Anyway, I haven't seen him since. I really don't know anything about him, so it's kind of mysterious that I developed a crush on him and who knows if I still think of him as cute when I find out more about him. There's something strange about him... something I feel is not right and I would like to find out what it is. I remember when I first noticed him... I was bringing in equipment early and set up everything and he watched me go in and out.. when I started the show he wasn't there, but he came back later. I knew his name from some girl signing him up to sing. He wouldn't though until later, when I went up to him and asked him to... I ended up singing with him at first. Then one time Lisa and I went to the Crescent Inn and he was there getting wasted. We went to the Pulse 8 show and asked him if he wanted to come along, but I guess he was too drunk, or too shy, or something. In a way I can understand, cause Lisa was really pushing him.. I didn't see him after that until the other day. That reminds me.. I never mentioned it, but the bartender from the Crescent Inn died.. I really liked him.. he just had a heart attack..at such a young age.. it's crazy.. he had 4 kids he was taking care of too. I missed him the last time I was there.. I liked seeing him there..he was always nice.

February 13, 2002
Well, lots has happened since... Mike and I got to know each other a little bit.. he came to Jimmy's show and we exchanged phone numbers.. the next day, on February 8th, he came to my show and we sang "It's your love" together and he sang "I like it I love it" and kinda sang it to me. It was cute. Then his friends started making fun of him and everything went downhill..however, I did call him Sunday and we talked for a very long time. He called me Monday and we talked quite a while again and he told me that he can't stop thinking about me.. he also told me he would call me Tuesday.. I couldn't go to sleep Monday night.. kept thinking about Thomas and all.. trying to figure out what I really want. Then on Tuesday I wanted to see Mike so I called him up and asked if he'd go to the Ringside with me if I'd pick him up... he said he would, but when I got to La Crescent he was nowhere to be found. I kinda was upset with him and took it personal, telling Scotty I wasn't going to waste my time with him anymore.. then I asked Tammy (she is his cousin) what's up with him and she said that he's got some severe problems.. that one Sunday he locked himself in his bathroom cause he didn't want his father to pick him up for dinner or something like that. She told me not to take it personal that he's just like that for whatever reason..that his brain just doesn't function right at times.. well now I'm wondering what it is and if he's doing anything about it.... I kinda like this guy.. I really don't know why..there's something about him.. and well, him saying all those things don't help either... oh well. I bet he's getting a lot of shit from people for that too.. I can just imagine..maybe that's why he told me that I make him laugh and stuff and that he's been in a really good mood for the past 3 days.. cause he had someone care for him that didn't know what was going on.... it wasn't presented to him constantly.
I still don't know what to do with Thomas. I know I have to break up with him, but I just can't make myself do it. I look at him thinking I'm going to and then I feel like crying thinking of how he will react.. I know he will be sad and stuff.. I just don't know how to do it.. I wish I could just run away to Salt Lake City.. that would be wonderful.. I would too.. just leave.. just like that. Of course Jenny would have to come with and I think David and Mandy would want to come with, but I think we could make it work and I think the kids wouldn't terribly mind... oh well.. I know I have to stand up to it and make myself talk to Thomas... just don't know how and when yet.

February 14, 2002
I gave Thomas his Valentine this morning...I've been crying on and off all day. I don't know why I'm so fricking depressed.. .. maybe I just have one of those crazy 5 minute things going on again, or maybe it's Thomas... I just know I'm depressed. I have been doing really good with depression for over 2 years now... had a blue day or so, but nothing like I have today... I'm going nuts having to be with the kids.. not knowing what to do tonight and I guess maybe I'm so depressed cause I don't know what to do about Thomas, yet I know something has to be done. I wrote a poem today.. a little different from my usual poems.. harder to comprehend I think. I dislike the kids right now.. I don't want them here.. I want to be alone... all alone.... so I can curl up into a ball... I really feel like running away.. with Jenny of course... David is old enough to fend for himself, but I would have to take Jenny... I'd go back to Salt Lake or something like that... maybe not even that far.. just away from La Crosse, WI so I don't have to deal with any of this... just leave... just like that.. just like Thomas usually does.. in the middle of the night.. gone the next day. Away from his friends and away from Thomas and anyone who might judge...crazy Monika... crazy thoughts... crazy things. Just plain crazy.. yup... but still.....

February 16, 2002
Now I think I know what's going on.. I seem to have my Pseudo tumor back.. no wonder I'm going wacko... Mike called on Valentines day and sang to me.. but he hasn't called since and won't pick the phone up either.. I'm kinda getting fed up with it.. I mean, heck..oh well. I need to tell Thomas that I don't want to be with him..everyone tells me that I should break it off, but I don't know how. I know I won't stay with him... definitely never marry him, so why should I still be with him? It's just a waste of time. I've been talking to Aaron again. I will visit Salt Lake City the last two weeks of August.. I can't wait. I really can't wait to see John T. again and hear what he says of how I sound and look nowadays... hmmm, just can't wait...

February 18, 2002
Told Thomas I wanted him to move out today. Said I didn't think we were compatible for each other. Said it's not just because he wasn't coming to Karaoke, even though he thinks that way. Said it's cause of his credit too... I'd never marry anyone who has bad credit and isn't working on straightening it out..it's immoral not to... he said those reasons are stupid. Didn't say that I never gained the respect back from him living off of me for all this time. Didn't say that it felt like he could care less and doesn't care for me..just using me.

February 21, 2002
Ok, I so I broke up with Thomas on the 18th, because I realized that it's not fair to either one of us if we stay together. He himself said that a person shouldn't stay with another if you're sure you're not going to stay together forever... then Dan said he didn't understand women who are too scared to tell the guy how they feel if they want to break up... well and then I called Tammy and she said if that's how I felt, I needed to break up with him and the sooner the better. I was going to do it on the 17th in the evening, but then thought better of it cause he was off on the 18th and I wasn't going to get any sleep if I was going to tell him that late at night.. anyway, he's moving on the first. Mike turned out to be a dudd..He seems to have some kind of anxiety disorder so bad that he avoids certain situation and I must be one of them. Dan really likes me and I kinda like Dan a little, but there is no spark whatsoever.. just as friends I suppose, but I don't know what he's going to think about that. He has other sides that I'm not so sure about either.

February 24, 2002
On Friday I had a gig at the Jackpot. This guy went up to Lisa and started talking to her and I really thought he was cute. I went over there and Lisa introduced me to him... his name is Dave. When he was done talking to Lisa, I went over there and told her that he is cute. She started laughing and told me he had asked her if I was single. She gave him my card and told him to come to the show at Sully's the next day. I tried to get him to go to breakfast, but him, Scotty and Tina went somewhere else I guess. Then yesterday, him Scotty and Tina walked in when I first started my show. Tina and Scotty are now a couple by the way which is cool, cause I really like Tina and I think she likes me too. AND KIM IS OUT OF THE PICTURE.. isn't that cool? I didn't like the way she was treating Scotty and I'm glad he's finally made an end to it....He's much better off with Tina! We all ended up at breakfast. I noticed Dan must've been a little jealous when Dave sat beside me and later when I didn't leave when he left (but I didn't really care either). When we left, I gave Dave my cell # and he asked for a date for today.

February 25, 2002
I had to stop writing last night. Anyway, we went and met at the mall (Chuckee Cheese), went to Garfields to eat and then to Snow Dogs (a Disney Movie). I enjoyed myself tremendously and he paid for the whole date. He held the doors open and was a gentleman all around. He was wonderful and even though I didn't want to get involved right away again, I wouldn't mind being his girlfriend. We talked for over 2 hours last night and we have so much in common. Every now and again those thoughts creep in "Why would he even like me?" BUT I AM pretty, worth all that AND I KNOW he likes me, so there!!! If I wouldn't already have plans for tonight, I'd go to his house, but I'm supposed to meet Scotty and Dan at the Pearl Street Pub after school. He's definitely cute - now I just have to get him to sing. I was thinking I'd probably go obsess about Billy again, but nope! He's romantic too. :-)

February 27, 2002
I spent the night over at Dave's last night, not cause I planned to, but I was so tired and it felt good being in his arms...his little girl was so cute. She didn't want to sleep and I ended up reading her a story and then laid with her a while and she pushed a strand of hair out of my face.. it was such a sweet gesture. I can tell she really likes me and I told her I liked her. I am very glad I met Dave. He's definitely better than anyone I have dated in a long time, cause the only guys I've ever had spending money on me were either on drugs or they cheated on me. I guess only time will tell. I'm really tired today, but it's worth it. I just have to sleep good tonight. I would like to see him tonight, cause I might not see him tomorrow (actually pretty sure that I won't). I guess Thomas has told his Mom that we broke up cause he wouldn't marry me... ooooooooook..he told Pam that I broke up with him cause he wouldn't go to Karaoke with me.. that's ok.. I don't mind being the one he blames. It's alright, as long as I can be in a healthy relationship and be happy. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I did tell my Mom about Dave yesterday and she's probably hoping that he's the last... oh well, it's not like I don't want that to happen.. wish I could settle down with the right guy. Boy I'm tired.. I'm falling asleep writing this.

February 28, 2002
Dave is a wonderful guy. He's what I need in my life right now...I'm spending the night at his house tonight. I can't wait to be in his arms again.

March 4, 2002
We've been spending every night together. Friday and Saturday he spent at my house and Sunday I spent at his. I'll be staying here tonight though, so he won't get sick of me and if he wants to, we can always talk on the phone. I'm falling fast, which isn't really that unusual. I remember feeling that way with Tim when I first met him... it was like I knew him from somewhere before. Funny thing is that Tim's b-day is just 2 days off of Dave's. Dave went to church with us Sunday and said he will go again.

March 6, 2002
I told Dave "I like you a lot". We talked on the phone for 3 hours last night. I feel like I'll be able to learn a lot from him... I also think we'll be able to be best friends. Yesterday morning he sang "Good morning beautiful" to me...how sweet. I called him this morning just to tell him "Good morning". We're going to see each other tonight.. I can't wait.

March 7, 2002
My Guinea Pig had babies

March 12, 2002
Dave was pretty buzzed Friday night and told me he was falling in love with me.. the next morning he repeated it, to let me know he didn't forget what he had said. Saturday night I actually got a little buzz from Long Island Iced Tea... haven't had a buzz in a while, but I was too afraid to drink more cause I didn't want a stomach ache..maybe one of these days I'll drink with everybody else... Dave and I have talked so much.. most of the pertinent dreams we have for the future are compatible, which is nice to know.. kinda weird that he wants horses too.. cool weird though. The guinea pig Mommy has died by the way and Dave brought me over some kitten formula and we have raised them with an eye dropper ..they've already started eating regular food, but we're still feeding them the milk for now. I met Dave's ex the other day.. got me kinda self-conscious for a bit, cause she's skinny and all, but hey, he told Lisa he thought I was cute before we talked, so he likes me the way I am... keeping in that track though, I know I've lost a little more weight..not much, but hey... as long as I keep losing it's a good thing. I'm going to go to Dan's(A) Hypnotist and have her do something about the carbohydrates... then I should be able to drop quite a few pounds without much effort... I'd be happy if I'd lose 25 more pounds..at least then I could shop at the regular lady's section instead of the fat women's clothes..I'm sick of having to pass by the good looking stuff to have to look at the stuff that old ladies wouldn't even wear. I'm really looking forward taking Dave to UT. I want to bring him to Silver Lake.. it's so beautiful and the last time I was up there I didn't enjoy it cause of the asthma and I was in such bad shape.. I'm in better shape now and I don't have the asthma anymore, so I should do fine this time around.. I also would like to show him Bear Lake. I want to arrange a big party at City Slickers (now Gators) when I get there on that Sunday..with the Karaoke.. have everybody come to it.. like John, Aaron, Brandon, Cathy, Eric, Joe, Lorraine and Tim and his wife.. it would be so cool to see them all again..maybe Debbie and Gwen too. I hope Lisa will be able to come too.. she said she's going to really try.. it would sure be cool. I'm not sure if I'm going to stay at Dave's house tonight. I'm starting to be sick and don't know how I'll feel tonight.. I would like to though. Golly I can't believe it's only been a little over 2 weeks since I've met him... Friday night I will introduce him to Jimmy and maybe to Tammy (if I feel like going to Galesville) and maybe Lisa at the Crazy Horse too.

March 27, 2002
Dave and I have been together a little over a month and boy it sure seems longer. We still talk so much. I saw my shrink last night and she was telling me to just take it slow and stuff and afterward I talked to Dave and told him a couple of my fears and then he told me a couple of his... was kinda nice to talk about it all with him. I told him I was a little self-conscious about his ex and he said he would NEVER go back to her and that that chapter of his life is over. I told him I knew in my head that that was the truth, but I couldn't always feel comfortable with it in my heart... after all, he's not divorced yet. I also told him that sometimes I don't feel "good" enough, or "pretty enough" for him and he told me that first of all he thought I was very pretty... it's nice to hear that. Then he said he was afraid that everything went so fast and stuff that he's scared I "wake" up and decide I don't love him that much after all... he definitely doesn't have to worry about me breaking up with him unless he does something really stupid, like cheating on me, or being abusive or something like that. Everything else can be worked around... I'm happy and I'm in love! This Friday we're going fishing with all the kids. For Jenny's birthday we're going to go to Devil's lake for the weekend camping and then the last week of August we're going to go to Utah... I also want to go to Madison Saturday and Dave said he'll go with me.. it's going to be fun. I want to show him everything I care about. I'm losing Cody. His grandma is going to watch him. I'm sad. He's one of the best kids I've had. He's really a good kid. Wish I could watch Zach and Jessie... would be nice, but he lives so far away. I guess I have to put an add in the paper for it. I'm planning on starting that preschool program too, maybe that'll help getting some kids too.

April 14th, 2002
Dave broke up with me yesterday. I didn't see it coming and it got me really upset. I felt I was so close to him. Now, looking back, I guess I should've known better than to fall in love with him though. He just got separated from his wife in November and he was always late... which is a control issue. Here I am still dealing with co-dependent issues.. I really need to stay alone for a while. I guess maybe in the future we will have a better shot at being boyfriend and girlfriend, but for now we're better off as friends. I just got pissed at him for not being there when he said he was. He said he's still building the room and he was supposed to be there at 9 am. Well, it's almost 12 noon and he's still not there. I called him at first and knew he wasn't coming until later, but he said 10 am and when I called him right about 10 am to tell him that I was leaving the house and stuff he said he's leaving in a little bit and when I called back to tell him he needs to bring the books with him from the library he said he's leaving in 10 minutes.. that was over a hour ago. so I just called him and told him that I needed him to come and finish the room. That he had promised to do it and that I will pay him if that's what I need to do. He said that he didn't want any money and he will be on his way. I asked him if he was sure, cause I didn't want to wait another 2 hours for him just to find out he wasn't coming and he said he's on his way, so we'll see. I'm sick of his being late all the time. It's a control issue, even if he denies it. So I guess it's for the better that we're not a couple anymore... though I do have to say that in every other way, he was everything I ever wanted, and I thought we would spend a lifetime together.. oh well.. it's not the first time I have to deal with a break-up, so I know I'll get over it. I had a lot of help from Lisa and Bella to get to my mental state I am in right now.

April 15th, 2002
I just got done writing Dave a letter. I wanted him to know that I'm sorry for the mental state I was in these last couple of days and that I appreciate everything he's done for me while we were together. I have just realized that I still have issues stemming from Doug. I hadn't loved like this for 13 years... since I found out Doug was cheating on me. I loved Dave intensely. For the first time in 13 years I let my guards down.. yes, I had guards up and didn't even know it. I trusted him completely which I haven't done since. Now due to the break-up I am forced to reflect on the past again and it's bringing up all the intense love I used to feel and felt and still feel for Dave. I will call my shrink today. There was something about Dave that made me fall in love so readily and completely that I haven't experienced since meeting Doug. I'm still hoping there is a future for us, but out of experience I have to say I doubt it. He will go on with his life and I will go on with mine. Especially since we already told each other that once we decide not to be with another person that that's it.. but like I said yesterday, I will go on and I will get over it.. what that means for another man in the future I don't know.. I wish all this would've never happened.

April 16, 2002
Well, everyone seems to think that Dave and Tina are together.. all I have to say is that Dave will be burned if he is. He's the one who pointed all the negatives out about her and she is like his ex in a lot of ways, so what the heck does he think he's doing.. I'm slowly getting over the pain and my rationality is coming back. I hope we can remain friends. I still think the world of him, and wish at times that I was back in his arms, but I think it would be nice to be close friends with Dave too... he can be a lot of fun. In a way if he was with Tina, at least I could make sense out of this break-up. I think it would be easier to digest.. even though I don't think they will have a chance together. I'm a strong woman and I've shown it many times.. I got over Doug too and was able to be friends with him, have him come to the house only a week after we broke up and we were fine.. actually better than while we were husband and wife... until Shauna came along. I still wish I wouldn't have been drawn to him quite as much, cause I wouldn't have gotten so close and I wouldn't have been hurt so badly. But I also have to say that it feels good knowing that I'm still capable to love like this. I also read an article about "love isn't enough" and I totally agree with that. Dave and I should've talked more about what we wanted in the relationship. We talked a lot, but I guess he kept quiet about his feelings that lead to the break-up. I hate that my moods go up and down about Dave and I still miss him so terribly at times, but I can tell it's getting much better and those pangs of sadness are getting less and less. I'm thankful for that.

April 17, 2002
I still have those feelings that make me wish Dave would just walk in the door and tell me what a bad mistake he made, but at the same time my head is telling me that there are things I would have to deal with if that was the case. I wouldn't tolerate some of the things I tolerated before. I would also be far more distant than I was before. I don't know if I could trust him again like I did before. Oh well, most likely this won't happen anyhow. Scotty and I went to the Barrel Inn last night and Dave was supposed to show up and take me to Menards for the Electrical Stuff, but like every day since Saturday, he didn't come.. called me at least though. I told him to look online and it might make him feel better... I wrote him a letter yesterday telling him I was ok with it if he was with Tina... stuff like that.. anyway, Scotty and I played some pool and then went over to Shawleys where Rick had Karaoke and I didn't get home till close to midnight. It was a lot of fun. I keep singing "Believe" by Cher. It makes me feel better right now and I sound cool at it. I also sang a couple of songs I haven't sung in a while, which was nice AND I tried a new one, but it wasn't that good. Tonight, Scotty, Dan A. and I are going to the Chameleon for the Karaoke Contest. Dan W. wanted me to come to his house last night, but since we ended up waiting at the Barrel Inn till past 8 pm for Dave, we didn't make it. He's probably thinking it's just an excuse.. well, I'm not trying hard, but it's not an excuse. I really need to quit smoking again. I started again Saturday morning, to keep me from crying so much over Dave, but I'm starting to crave them badly when I try not to smoke any, so I know it's time to quit. I'm going to watch what I smoke today... there's no way I can keep going smoking a whole pack. I might even have to get patches again. I'm not telling the kids, so I know I'll stop again..that's how it was the last time two years ago, when I had stopped for a few weeks and then started again..they never knew I started again. If I let them know that I smoke again, I'll never quit again. I just have to find me a boyfriend that doesn't smoke. I pray to meet someone who is ALL that! Someone who will treat me with respect, and realize what kind of woman I am.. and how much I'm worth. Someone who is romantic and will give me back-rubs at night, like I give him. Someone who can kiss... hmmm...Someone who gets really turned on by me.. and someone who will be there with me through good times and bad.. and who will talk through every problem instead of picking their feet up and run. I'm starting to get hungry again... on occasion. Mandy and Scotty say I don't eat enough.. well, it's enough to keep me from falling over. That's all I need for now. I mean I'm trying to get enough vitamines and stuff so I don't get ill... that's all that I have to watch for. It would actually be nice if I could lose something like 60 lbs, not just 20 lbs. Then I would look hot again. Not that I look bad, I just don't consider myself HOT! Sexy, yeah, but not HOT! Hot is when you walk down the street and you make heads turn. If I'd lost 60 lbs, I'd do that. Well, I hope Dave is actually showing up tonight. I'm really getting fed up by his cop-outs. He said he wanted to be friends, yet he's avoiding me. If he's having such a hard time facing me, he shouldn't have broken up with me.

April 19th, 2002
Went to Howie's yesterday cause Jimmy had called me and told me he was going to do Karaoke there and it wasn't announced, so he needed some people to show up. Of course I will support Jimmy. he's a great guy!! I had a lot of fun. Scotty went with me and we sang Love Shack, Summer Nights and It's your love together. I sang a lot of Benatar tunes. Just of a sudden I spotted Tim... Tammy's ex-boyfriend. I figured Billy wasn't far when I saw him, but I didn't see Billy until later. It was good to see him again, but it also makes me miss singing with him more again. Besides, I love hearing him sing. He actually said hi to me when I waved at him and I went over to talk to him. Told him I missed singing with him. I wish I could read his thoughts. Wonder if he has a job again. Wish I was closer to him. Scotty and I have developed a really nice friendship. I guess the break-up brought a few good things with it. I really do enjoy Scotty's company. I also met a couple of people I invited to the Green Door. Dave said he was probably going to show up tonight. It's probably just another "yeah right". I hope Scotty will be ok if Tina shows. Billy..hmmm.. if you ever read this, at least you can say that you had a woman obsess over you once... that should make you feel pretty good inside. And anymore I really don't care, cause hell... what else can happen. Everybody already seen me get dumped by Dave, so who cares if everyone finds out I have had a crush on someone for that long who could care less if I existed. Jimmy is cool!! He was so nice again yesterday and I like jamming with him. Too bad that the next time he's over at Howie's I'll be at the Green Door. I really enjoyed myself. Oh well, there'll be other times.

April 23, 2002
I'm going to start adding the stuff to my diary that's missing yet. I've been hanging around with Scotty a lot lately. He really is a wonderful friend. We went out pretty much every night last week, which helped me a lot to overcome the devastating feelings Dave had left me with. And then of course there is Lisa. My bestest friend of all. She is the light in my life. I'm so glad to have her. I've grown so close to her. She's the first female friend I've been this close to since Rita. It's good to have a friend like that again. I'm going to stay in tonight. It's about time. I'm over Mr. Idiot and I don't even like him anymore. He's been promising to come to help me with the room and every time I call he's busy and he breaks his promise.. I'm so fed up with it, I'm even glad now he broke up with me. At lest I don't have to worry about being late to my own funeral.. God that guy can sure tick you off. I don't know what I ever saw in him.. I must've been temporarily insane to have fallen that hard over a guy like that. I don't know about Billy either.. he's not really Mr. Nice and I don't know what it is about him that keeps me obsessing like I do.. but I really need to get over it. Then again, he keeps me sane when shit like Dave happens, cause I can go right back to obsessing over him and I feel better. I'm also thankful for my FMS group online. It took me a while to trust Bella again, but now I'm back to trusting her and she was so nice on the phone. I'm glad we're friends again. All in all, things are looking up. I'm looking forward to my date with Steve on Friday. He's been liking me for quite a long time, so why not go on a date with him. I doubt that anything will result from it, just because I don't believe he's my type, but I guess there's no finding out until I go out with him a few times. And besides, dating is fun. I'm not going to settle for less again. Unless the guy meets my criteria, like no drugs, good job, responsible, etc. he can kiss my bootie. Some of the date rules I got out of the book aren't too bad. I will follow some of them... a guy surely can show me that he's interested in me and work to have me.. I'm worth all that and more. Now I'm going to work on my webpage, cause I need to make some changes to reflect the "new" me.

April 25, 2002
I got a terrible cough today.. didn't really sleep much last night. I feel bad for Jimmy. He's going through a really tough time right now.. nothing seems to be going right for him. He always tells me that if he was single he would snatch me away... well, if he was single, I'd love to go out with him too. He's really sweet. Still hung up on Billy though. I shouldn't be cause of his drinking, but I am. Jamie is going to do the room now. He said he's going to come by today to look at it and then start on it Sunday. I'm hoping by then David can have most of the wood done, so Jamie can actually start on the Sheet Rock. I don't think I'll ask Dave anymore to do anything. He's an ass and I don't even want to be friends with him anymore. All those empty promises and nothing. One day he will want something and I'll shit on him like he shit on me. I can't believe I actually was in love with this guy.. I guess that goes to proof that love is blind.. or I'm just plain stupid.. that could be too judging from previous experiences, I think I was pretty stupid in love.. soooooo I have made some adjustments to my thinking... I shouldn't be quite as "fast falling" anymore. I've been out every day of the week for the past two weeks now.. I really need to slow down.. but it's been really nice.. especially since I got a lot closer to Scotty that way. I really like him and he's a good friend. I also have made sort-of friends with Patty. I like her.. she's so bubbly. Tonight I'm supposed to meet Steve at the Crescent Inn. Lisa, Scotty and I are going there. Then Saturday I hope I'll see a couple of people I invited to Sully's.. some really good looking guys among them. I'm enjoying single life again.. I guess I didn't have much of that in between Thomas and Dave... and I think I'm really going to like it. Can't wait till tonight!

May 2, 2002
Well, well.. I've become really good friends with Scotty now.. I like that. Lisa and I are about as close as we can get. It's so good to have good people in your life. I'm starting to work my Karaoke with Scotty.. I will train him and then maybe take some of the nights off.. especially if I do a weekday gig..then I will have him run it towards the later part of the evening and I can go to bed.. however, there's the worry about a ride too. I'll just have to see how that works out. I'm on several dating services online now and I'm going by the rules... I'm way to much of a motormouth and I need to curb that when I first meet someone.. the same with getting too close to quickly..if I live somewhat by the rules, I won't suffacate anyone and I don't even have to watch myself that much.. Codependency.. I really wish Penny wasn't on medical leave so I could ask if this is part of co-dependency.. getting too close to quick. Argghhh... one of these days I will be in a healthy relationship..for now though I really need to stay away from getting involved to closely.. just dating is fine, but for now, that has to be all. Met a few good-looking guys I wouldn't mind dating.. also am a member at the YMCA again.. I want to lose a little bit more weight.. I guess people are starting to notice now.. it's a good feeling.>

May 5, 2002
I've had an interesting weekend. Friday night Steve from La Crescent came to the Green Door.. what a dork..the first thing he says is "I haven't noticed what nice boobs you have...GOLLY.. what tact... he has no class at all. Then Saturday night I get a call from Dave asking if Tina was there.. I already knew there was trouble in paradise, but I didn't know they had broken up... which he informed me of later. I thought he was going to follow through and come and do the room, but again... he never showed up.. and I went out with that guy... I'm pretty fed up with his games. Then there was this guy Ziggy knows who stared at me all night and I'm sure if he's one of Ziggy's friends he's probably all strung out on drugs.. not my cup of tea even though he was kinda cute.. but probably a little too young too. Then there was this guy I knew from somewhere, but I can't remember where I know him from.. he came in both nights.. long blonde hair.. and he kept looking at me too.. we talked briefly..he's kinda cute too.. but like I said, I don't remember where I know him from. And well..now to the best part.. I told Lisa a while back that I thought her brother-in-law was kinda cute.... well Steve showed up and brought his brother Don with him. And he seems to like me. He told Lisa he thought her friend (me)was cute. Hmmm... bad thing.. he lives in Ettrick. He is very handsome though and seems to have a cute personality too. He's 33 so not that much younger than me, which is good. Bad thing... he works Thursdays through Sundays at night.. 3rd shift.. yuck!! Oh well.. he has three kids (not sure how old, but one goes to school and two aren't in school yet). I gave Lisa one of my cards to give to him since she's seeing him again tomorrow. That would be cool to date Lisa's brother-in-law. And he really is cute.. Well, now I have to go pick Lisa up to bring her to work.

May 8, 2002
Wow! Hmmm, all the rules are gone in the wind. Don came to La Crosse Monday to fix Lisa's car, but instead we all went to my house (Lisa, Don, Austin, Brandon, and Don's 3 kids). Dave came to with Jessie and Zachary. It was great. Dave put a box on my thermostat, which is super and he showed David what to do in the room. When Don left, he put his phone number on my desk. I e-mailed him that night saying "Just wanted to tell you goodnight". Then he came back yesterday to fix Lisa's car. He had left the kids at home this time. After he was done with the car, we all went to my house again. He came with me to pick up David while Lisa stayed at my house. After Lisa went to work, him and I were looking for something to do. He said he didn't have to be home till 6:30 that morning. We went to the Cameleon Club to check the Open Mike out, but just walked in and right back out. Then we just drove around for a while, first to Granddad's Bluff, where we took a stroll to the edge, then to Pettibone Park. We walked the beach arm in arm and we ended up kissing. I've never took a stroll by the beach with anyone..just myself and the only time I ever "made out" at the beach was in the tent with my ex...haha. I loved it.. I loved the water and the wind and I liked being in his arms. He's very open with his feelings, which is super. He's going to try to come back tonight, which would be nice. Just have to watch myself not to get too involved too quickly.. I really don't want to get hurt again. He says he was planning to move back to La Crosse when Jessie gets out of school (his oldest one). That would make seeing him just a little bit easier. Well, the Soap Opera continues...lol.

This is the afternoon now and I have to say I've been thinking about this whole crap since morning and I have to say, I'm scared shitless. First of all, it really turns me off that he smokes pot.. also don't like the fact that he drives without a license.. even though that part I could live with.. I don't think I can dig the dope though. The more I think about it the more I think I'm letting go of my morals if I end up dating him and he smokes this shit. He seems like a good enough guy in other respects, but I don't think I can, nor should I let go of my values. Then I would be in the same boat as Dave... it just would make things "not right" and it would only be a short term relationship once again. I rather be alone than hopping from one guy to the next. Not only does that part bother me, but for some reason I'm really scared to get close. I literally felt a wall going up in me... something inside me wishing he wouldn't show today... then part of me wants to have him here. I guess I really have to do some soul searching. The thing is.. if I tell him what I'm thinking and he would tell me he'd quit, he'd only do it cause of me and then he'd resent me for it later.. I do NOT want that.. so I'm kind of in a bind. I guess what I'm going to do is not talk to Lisa about it first of all and once David gets back with my car I'm going to see if Scotty is around, cause I want him to go with me to the contest tonight.. then I'll talk to him about it. I value his opinion.. I guess I better not tell Lisa anything anymore in regards to men.. she has a big mouth when it comes to that and she just blabbers it all out.. meaning Scotty probably heard that I'd go out with him if he wouldn't smoke the pot and had a job... oh well... I love Scotty to death.. as a friend.. I don't think dating would be an option.. I would never want this friendship to be destroyed and I've destroyed Aaron and mine by becoming boy/girlfriend... not again! This thinking also made me realize what exactly Billy is to me.. he is a fantasy... the bad-boy image... I could never make a relationship work with him. He's too much of a partier and that is just not compatible with who I am, nor whom I want to become. All in all, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with Donny.. in a way I think there is some great potential there, but on the other hand.. how can I allow something in my life that I feel so strongly against.

God, maybe I'm just plain confused. Maybe I just need to stay my butt home and not go date anyone for a while..maybe I just need to focus on who I really am and work on myself for a little while.. I feel like I'm desperate, but really I'm not.. I am perfectly fine without a man in my life. Perfectly ok with just having my friends and the way it looks maybe I can put Dave on that list now that he doesn't feel guilty anymore. Shit goes through my head like.. maybe I shouldn't wear mini-skirts anymore.. back to the old blue-jeans type of clothes so I don't attract guys like flies... yes, I enjoy the attention I get, but it's not what I need in life. In regards to a man, I want someone respectable, honest, and law-abiding, yet someone that turns me on. I haven't found someone that's all of that, so I should not get involved. My reasoning then means, DO NOT DATE Don!! I am so fucking confused it's pitiful.

May 9, 2002
Well, once Don came to my house I felt just fine. He also told me he was going to quit the dope which eased my mind a hundred fold. He is wonderfully attentive and so verbal with his feelings.. heck I can learn from HIM... it's great though. I feel reassured today and willing to try it with him. Last night I walked out of the contest. They wanted me to choose a different song cause someone else had put up the same song, but I didn't want to. I felt like hey, if it's a contest EVERYONE should be able to sing the same song.. it would be easier to find the better singer... but when I found out that it was April doing the same song, I didn't want to make her go through this. She is a wonderful singer and she is a nice girl.. she doesn't need to compete with me.. so I let her do the song and I walked out.. makes me a better person compared to bitching about it.. always choosing the better way..that's what I want to be all about anyhow. I have Dave's kids today.. boy Zach CAN be a handful. Maybe I'm glad we didn't work out.. I would've had to raise him...lol. I like Don's way of thinking about child-rearing better anyhow.. kids DO need a whipping every now and again.. not often, but sometimes you gotta in order for them to know who's boss. As long as it's not abuse, there's nothing wrong with that. Don and I talked for over a hour on the phone today. He really is a sweet guy. He told me last night again that he was falling... well, I guess I'll let him... lol. I do really like that he's as touchy feely and verbal as he is. He was asking today if he was smothering me.. heck no, I love it!! I just have a hard time being as verbal as he is right now.. it'll come. I just have to have a little time to get a bit more used to him.. get to know him a bit better and it'll come...

May 10, 2002
When we were getting ready to hang up the phone today he blew my mind. He said "love you".. I got very quiet and didn't say a thing.. then we hung up... about 1/2 hour later I called him back and apologized.. I was just so surprised..didn't feel ready for it yet.. especially since it was totally unexpected.

May 14, 2002
I'm in love! Donny is sweet. He does to me what I usually do to others.. rubbing my back, just holding me and wanting to see me and kiss me, etc. He's very attentive and I love it.. and he's a perfect gentleman!! He spent the night with his oldest girl last night. He's thinking about switching the shift he's working, so he won't be working the weekends anymore. I'm thinking about asking him to move in with me.. my online friends think it's too fast.. I think he's my long-lost love. I'm sure there are things that will come up that I won't like about him and things that he won't like about me, but I think they will be little.. I think we will get along for the most part. I don't care what anybody else thinks, I will do what feels right in my heart.. that's who I am and that's what I'm going to do.. I'm madly in love with him... and maybe it IS mad, but that's ok too as long as it stays that way... who cares as long as we will stay happy together.

May 16, 2002
I can't believe how close I'm getting to Donny. We're going to move together as soon as we got Jenny's room done and David and Mandy are moved out. I was joking with him saying it's better that way anyway, cause with us talking on the phone so much, we won't be able to afford the phone bill. He's my angel and I guess I'm his. If I'm co-dependent, I guess he is too... makes for a good relationship.. we can just smother each other..lol. He seems to appreciate every little thing I do...like nothing has ever been done for him.. and God do I feel comfortable with him. I don't even feel the need to hide when I'm naked with him... I'm not embarrassed... it's a nice feeling. And we're so goofy when we're together.. have so much fun together..I love him

May 18, 2002
went to Sabrina's wedding today and got to meet Donnie's parents and grandma. According to Lisa his Mom seems to like me, cause I put a smile on his face. Wanted a smoke badly, but Donny kept me from actually doing it. He was asked a couple times to smoke some pot, but he didn't either. I'm really happy with him. Can't wait till he lives here.

May 20, 2002
I think Donny is my one and only. I have a feeling that I will be married by the end of next year, or at least be engaged. Candy said she thinks he's "the one". He loves so much like I do... words I usually would say, he uses...like he can read my mind. Things I usually would do, he does... it's so weird, but yet so comforting. I love the man with all of my heart. I think he truly is my soulmate... maybe he's my long-lost Michael?

May 23, 2002
Wish Donny wouldn't have to go to work tonight. I miss him already. He worked on the room some yesterday and will probably do so again today. We should be able to start the sheetrock sometime next week..all we will have to do is put up a couple more boards and the electricity and I think he will finish the wood today. I also want to get my fence up really soon... at least the one side so the kids can't get into the flowers so much. I love spending time with Donny and I love the way he loves me. I've noticed the other day that he looks a little like Richard Gere. He's so sweet. I love him with all of my heart.

May 30, 2002
I really do believe that Donny is Michael...we are too connected to just have met. We are so in tune to each other we can "feel" what the other is getting ready to say, or what they're thinking, etc... it's really weird. He told me I don't even look like the same person that he met.... saying I'm so much happier now than before.. I agree.. I am a lot happier.. I melt in his presence. I know we will end up getting married and stay together for the rest of our lives. He is my one and only!

June 2, 2002
Donny is so wonderful. He took off of work yesterday to be with me and it was great. He was telling me the other day there was only one thing he would change about me and that was my last name...lol. How sweet! I will let him too.... I can't wait till he comes home from work tonight. I love being in his arms. He's the most wonderful person I've ever met!

June 15, 2002
I have found my destiny. Donny is so special. We went and celebrated Fathers Day at the Jackpot Brunch Buffet. It was our first time there ever. It was pretty decent. We took all the kids too. Donny was off last night and went with me to the show. It's so wonderful when he can go with me. Time goes by so much faster with him there and it's not such a drag. I love when he holds me... I call it "I disappear"... he's so tall and stuff it makes me feel like I'm small.... not fat or anything.. our bodies are perfect for each other... I can even sit on his lap without killing him... and he's NOT fat :-) I love the way it feels. I get so lost in him.. and it feels sooooo good. The kids really like him too and his kids really like me. We already share our money and stuff... it's another thing I really like.... it's so nice to have someone to share responsibilities with.. I'm not the sole provider anymore..it's really nice!!!

June 20, 2002
Donny's Dad is in the hospital in ICU. He's going to be alright, but it sure was a scare! Diane (his sister) asked if we were going to get hitched and that got us started talking. Donny seems to be a bit hesitant when it comes to marriage... I'm not sure if that means there won't be marriage for us in the future. I hope not. Even though I don't want to get married tomorrow, I do want to get married in the future. To me it's the ultimate commitment. If you really love someone, you want to be with them for the rest of your life and you want to carry their name, or in the case of the guy, have the girl carry your name. When the priest asked who Lisa and I were he said we were his Dad's daughter-in-laws... well, that would be nice someday. I wouldn't mind if he'd propose one day, and I wouldn't mind if that was sometime soon, cause I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but that doesn't mean I want to get married right away. I do want at least 6 - 9 months of an engagement period. Oh well, I think he does want to make me his wife some day.... just by the way he talks at times... sometime in the future I guess I will ask him about it. I sure wouldn't mind being engaged to him by the time I end up meeting his ex Theresa. I love him a lot and I don't want to lose him and being engaged to him would mean that I would feel more secure about our relationship. I guess I'll have to wait and see.. sure don't want to push him into anything he doesn't want to do.

July 25, 2002
Well, Donny's Dad died that Saturday. Very unexpected and it put some strain on all of the family. It's still not over, 'cause Peggy seems to be very selfish about the whole thing and doesn't want for his kids to have anything. That's not right and of course they're not going to let this happen. They're not asking for much, just something to remember him by.. Peggy seems to just see the Dollar amount in everything. Donny and I are going stronger than ever. I love him so much and it's such a wonderful connection. He's the light in my life... it's just incredible. When I get stressed out all it takes is a look from him, or a look in his direction and it's all ok again. He's such a sweetheart. I really hope that we're lucky and none of the kids end up having Bipolar. It's not an easy task to raise a Bipolar child... heck it's hard enough to raise a child and have it come out decent without any problems. Oh well, if it so happens I guess we'll just have to deal with it. Their mother is definitely Bipolar.. I can tell just by the way Donny describes her and by her letters. There is no doubt in my mind.. maybe an added Borderline Personality Disorder or something like that... I can't believe he stayed with her as long as he did.. means he's in it for the long haul... which is nice for me, cause that should mean that unless I really screw up (which I would be stupid to do), we should have a great relationship for life.. which I really deserve and want. He seems to really think that he's Michael and heck, we have so much in common it would be nice to go to some kind of hypnotist to find out what's going on between us. I'm sure it's something, so he could definitely be right. My dream come true... my search has ended and I have found the man that I've been looking for since I drowned. The man who makes my life complete. I'm taking Donny to the Chateau of La Crosse for his birthday. I know he will love it and it's so romantic there. I'm in love!

August 3, 2002
Donny's birthday was beautiful! He liked the Chateau of La Crosse and afterwards we went to see "Men in Black 2". I've read Donny's "diary" about Theresa and I felt like crying.. it sounded so much like my feelings at times... she put him through so much... oh well... now we have each other and we're perfect for each other and our exes can be forever sorry! I'm totally in love and I'm praying that Donny and I will be strong and continue the way we have for the rest of our lifes. I love this man with all of my heart and soul! I'm truely happy! I feel like I'm finally whole again.. I know that's what Psychologists would call Co-dependency, but I just can't help it.. I always wanted to have a family... be part of a family... now I have that again.. I know one can argue that I had a family with my children, but there was always something missing... now I have that again.. I can't really explain what's so different with my love for Donny compared to my love for others, I just know that it seems to mean so much more to me... for the first time I'm scared that it could change in the future and that I would lose him... feel the hurt again... lose my dream once again... in other relationships I just hoped it would last.. with Donny it's just different... kinda hard to explain. I think I was right though when I said that Dave was a lot like Doug.. he brought a lot of feelings out that Doug had brought out and made me love again without a wall... Donny came at the right moment for that wall not to go back up (it almost did for a little while there, but luckily it didn't). He's a wonderful man!

I just got done reading the past in this diary and thought about some things in regards to my relationship with Dave.. In my eyes I was meant to be with Dave for just this short period of time.. cause I really did open my heart to him like I haven't done since Doug and it made me realize how much I'm able to love.. and well.. that kinda prepared me to Donny... at least that's my point of view. Also, not once was I self-conscious about Donny not liking me... not once was I thinking that I was suffocating him.. with Dave I was.. I guess that just shows how good Donny and I fit together. God how I love the guy! :-)

August 4, 2002
I told Donny about the smoking and I feel terrible... terrible for not trusting in him sooner to tell him and terrible for having to disappoint him with it... I feel like I'm a failure... I was trying so hard. I wasn't planning on continuing... I don't know why I can't just leave it be. Now I will use the patch every time I go to work.. I can't seem to do it without it. I wanted to put a patch on last night, but I forgot again. I just hope he's not too disappointed in me... I don't want to have him feel bad about me. I want him to be able to be proud of me. I want to be the best I can be for him. ALL and everything he wants me to be. I can't wait till he's home so I can get a big hug and feel more secure than what I feel right about now. I feel so little right now... so weak. I love him so much and it hurts me to have hurt/dissapointed him.

September 13, 2002
My life is perfect right now. I found a man who adores me and whom I love very much. My Teenage daughter is staying out of trouble and even though David has had Jason being so young, they're doing really good. I have 3 little children who love me and probably will grow up to see me as their Mom. And - financially we're doing really good too. We live in a good neighborhood in the perfect house. I'm middle class and I'm happy. On my parents side though there is a cloud. My Dad has cancer and we're not sure what's going to happen yet, but my Mom is taking it really hard.

October 5, 2002
I just got home from my Karaoke show. Donny told me tonight that he will propose tonight at the Birthday party. I can't wait to wear his ring. He is the most wonderful man in the world and I will be the lucky woman to get to marry him. I can't recall ever having been this happy. My Soulmate, my all and everything. Donald Wesley Scott. My dream come true. Finally! I've waited for this all of my life and I've finally come home!

October 6, 2002
I'm now engaged and I love how it feels. The day is tainted however, cause the kids came back with lice and they were crying to be with wonderful drug addict Dennis. Puke!

November 14, 2002
My Dad is dying. They say he has 1 to 1 1/2 years left to live and time goes by soooo fast. I want him to meet Donny. I Know he wants to see his "little" girl taken care of and i think he will like Donny. I'm doing a cancer benefit on the first in the hope to get some money raised. I would love for him to see his great-grandson. I know he would love it. And of course I would love to see Germany with Donny. It wouldn't be the same old - being able to show Donny all the things I grew up with. We're getting married May 17th. Our love is incredible. I didn't know I could love like this. He is my twin-soul - the missing link... he's gotta be!