February 26, 2001
It's interesting how distorted my views are at different times of my life. I made a lot of choices in life that inflicted pain. Even to this day I have to say that it helps my spirit to read prior entries and reflect onto them. Thoughts have changed so much. I'm sure I've hurt more than one person in the process, but I guess what I realize nowadays is that to err is human. I love my life and I guess even though I'm in love with Thomas, I do have to say that I know I wouldn't die if things wouldn't work out between the two of us. That doesn't mean I loved others more than I love him. Nowadays I know I love myself and am worthy of the love someone else is giving me. I also know that I could let go if I had to. It would hurt terribly, but I know I would be strong enough to let go with a smile in my heart for the reflection of the love we had. I have never been as honest with myself or others in my Teens or Twenties as I am in my 30's. I have so much yet to learn. Love life and knowledge. Embrace the ignorance of others, for true bliss lies in wisdom not ignorance.

June 7, 2001
I'm getting ready to buy a house and I'm scared. For the first time in a long time, I'm not sure if Thomas will stay with me. I might be feeling that way cause I'm scared about not being able to make the house payment if he doesn't move in with me, but I feel like he's distancing himself from me again. He said things like "What if we don't make it" and stuff like that. I think his not moving with me would probably cause a break-up cause I would feel let down. I was going to sign another lease when he came up with the idea of moving together in a bigger place. That's why I bought the place I bought. I would have a really hard time if he'd change his mind now. My social life is getting a bit better. I made a few real friends by now, like Lisa. I think I like Lisa, even though she smokes and takes Vitamin P. I also made a couple of guyfriends, like Steve. Last weekend I heard Scotty sing for the first time and I can't believe he doesn't sing more than he does. Steve has a nice voice too, but he sings all the time too. Jethro is actually starting to sing on occasion. These are people from the Green Door. I have another Contest going and it's going great.

September 9, 2001
By now I'm a grandma. Jason was born on August 26th and he's absolutely gorgeous. Tomorrow Mandy is going back to school and I get to care for Jason full-time. I'm actually looking forward to it. It will force me to slow down a little. I also made up my mind to start exercising again and watching my soda-intake. I need to get healthy again. Thursday I will go in for gallbladder surgery. I don't have to stay in the hospital. It's only a one day procedure. I have two female friends now. Lisa and Candy. I did make friends with Scotty too. I'm not sure where the road will take me where Thomas is concerned. Sometimes I think things are going great and then I think he's just with me cause he can't afford being on his own. Sometimes I'm not so sure if he's kidding when he tells me I'm not worth his time. Sometimes I believe he means it when he tells me to find a new boyfriend and sometimes I wish he would leave. Other times I'm scared to death that he might. I have been having short crushes on guys that never last long, like Scotty (I'm glad I had that one, it led me to a great friend) or Robert. But now I have a crush on someone and I wish I didn't. He's way too young for me and I don't know much about him, but I have to smile every time I think of him. He's very handsome and he has the cutest smile. He's still so innocently shy too. I don't know what I would do if he was just 5 years older, cause I really like him. But he's only 23!

September 25, 2001
People say it takes a lot of guts to open up as much as I do by putting all of my stuff on the internet, including my diary. To me it doesn't seem that way. Who cares what happened in the past? I don't care if guys know I had a crush on them, why I did what I did. At least I can say people who are interested can know me inside and out. I have nothing to hide. I've always been honest about my feelings with most people. Looking back on my thoughts and feelings I do realize quite a few obsessive behaviors (like Bill, or even Volker back when I was a Teen), but even though I'm aware of it, I can't shut it off. I still love Thomas very much, but I do hope he will get his act together financially. He could be my dream-come-true if he could just keep a job and be more responsible.

October 29, 2001
Nothing compares to having a little baby in your arms that is your own flesh and blood. It's sooo different from taking care of a strangers baby. It's even somewhat different than taking care of Savannah and Mikey, even though I love them dearly..there is still the chance that one day Thomas and I will break up and I will never see them two again. That's very unlikely to happen with my grandbaby.

November 21, 2001
Well, my shrink said I should really stick to my guns about Thomas.. if he doesn't pay.. here he goes.. hmmm... she also said there's nothing wrong with me liking Bill for so long and that a lot of people have fantasies like that.. hmmm.. well, I guess this session was something to think about.

November 25, 2001
Lisa and I went to Karaoke last night and Elvis-Bill was there. Lisa went nuts over him.. he's such a smooth talker.. I told him he was too smooth.. comes across like he can't be true to a girl.. or is at least ..a player...I think he was offended.. I told him to just forget it. I still think he's not a one-woman-man. He was trying to get me to dirty-dance with him.. not my cup of tea though.. maybe if he WAS my boyfriend. Anyway, he was hitting on Lisa and me both.. and then he asked both of us for a kiss, which we both declined.. and he knew about Lisa being married and he met Thomas at the Coon Valley Show.. soooo.. he can tell me what he wants.. I still think he's a womanizer. I also met Dan for the first time today. He did Karaoke at All Stars before, but I never met him before. He came to Jimmy's show.

November 24, 2001
I really need to talk to Thomas and let him know how I feel. I mean, I do love him, even though at the moment I can't remember exactly why. He used to be so attentive.. I can remember backrubs, singing together, going out together and having fun... dancing, all that stuff.. then there was his stuff too... playing pool, going to the movies, watching a movie at home on occasion.. it's very rare nowadays.. and then of course there is the money-issue. I get no help from him financially, emotionally, nor physically. I have to ask him to help me clean the house (oh he makes the bed in the morning). How hard is it to do some laundry every now and again... or help me clean the floors. I really don't care for the fact that he quit coming to the shows.. maybe I wouldn't be so worried about the money if he was to come along... cause in a way he would "earn" his living... but.. besides the food he brings home from Salvation Army... I get NOTHING! I started to ask him to help me clean. And I told him the other day that we're doing NOTHING together anymore. I also told him that I expect $200 in December, but I didn't tell him that I will let him go if he doesn't pay me the $200, cause I feel if I do, then he'll just pay because otherwise he has to leave... that won't last very long... sooooo, I didn't say anything at all. I need to resubscribe to the relationship group and ask for some input.. the counselor just said that I should find something worth my efforts... but I don't REALLY want to leave him or make him leave me... I'm so tired of new relationships and unfullfilled dreams. Why can't just ONE relationship work out to be THE relationship for me? I know I have co-dependency issues, but I'm working on those.. maybe Thomas would be willing to go to counseling with me? Who knows.. it might help both of us. In a way I would really love to stay with him. I love his kids, that's for sure. I don't like the fact he kicked my dog.. that was a real insult.. I don't kick his kids now, do I?!!! I'm just no good in confrontations.. no good at all. God how I hate this... it reminds me too much of the past. I've been with Thomas for two years now and it's so fricking hard to think I have to let this relationship go... and NOT just because I feel like I've failed, but because I DO want to be married one day and I just don't see it with Thomas... will he ever straighten out? I know I don't need him.. I know I can make it on my own..heck, I will probably save money in electricity, and in food (cause I pay so often when we go out to eat). There are so many men out there that would love to go out with me, yet when I look at most of them.. they either smoke pot, or they drink heavily, or they smoke... and who knows if they cheat, etc... I could probably live with the smoking as long as they wouldn't do it in the house and I probably could live with the drinking if it was moderate and wouldn't interfer with their work, but I just cannot tolerate something illegal (meaning the pot). I'm glad I have Scotty now. He's like John used to be. And there is Lisa.. I haven't had a close female friend in years. I think Scotty and Lisa are the closest friends I have at the moment. I went to Tammy's show last night (to Jimmy's and Lisa Urban's too, but Tammy...golly, I didn't know I missed her as much as I do. It was so good to see her. We're not really that close or anything, but nevertheless.. I also miss singing with Billy..heck I miss having Billy as my neighbor as strange as that sounds... I guess I must be crazy.. I never heard of anyone missing someone's steps, walking around upstairs, but that's what I miss... I miss hearing him come home..turning on his music... knowing someone was upstairs... heck, I don't know how to explain it. Every time I see Tammy I think of Billy... every time I see Billy I think of Tammy.. I guess even though I knew Tammy way before Billy and I knew Billy before I knew that Tammy and him knew each other, I still connect the two in my mind.. probably cause they were in a band together and I like them both. I don't miss the icky house though.. I like my house much better, but I do miss the payments.. rent wasn't much over there.. it's almost twice as much here. I really don't like my neighbor here to my right... she's a bitch from hell.. the other neighbors are great though. Oh well, from what I heard they're going to move soon.. they're only renting.. the other neighbor owns his house. I really need to talk to Thomas.. I don't know how though.. I need to bring everything on the table.. even that I want him to take care of his f.. up credit.. take care of his bills.. just be responsible.. I mean heck, he's 30 years old.. shouldn't he be a little more responsible by now. Oh well, I guess I will see where this goes.

November 25, 2001
Well, we had a double date last night. It was supposed to be a triple date, but Scotty never called me and then him and Kim went to Karaoke at the Second Home and then to Sully's. Thomas, me, Lisa and Steve... we went to eat at Tiqulla's, then to Snuffy's to play darts.. I got really anxious there for some reason. I already thought I was going to have a panic attack. I REALLY didn't like it there.. probably cause I never have been there and I was embarrassed about being so bad at playing darts that I kept breaking the tips off of them.. and being new at the place probably brought it on. Then we went to the Green Door to play darts and that was fun. Lisa and I did Karaoke while we were there AND we played darts with the guys. Thomas sang a couple of songs as well and I think he had fun doing it. Then we went to Country Kitchen for breakfast and then called it a night about 2 am. I had a lot of fun and I felt really close to Thomas again. It was great to feel that way again. I told him that I really don't like that we do so much separate and that I wish he would go out with me more often and do things with me more.. so maybe he will now. He said he didn't really know why he started disliking going out. Oh well, we'll see.

November 28, 2001
I'm too busy. I was cutting up the deer last night and started to cook some of it and made a little hamburger from it.. I still have some of it to grind....ok... most of it..lol. I also am cooking rice and chicken for Tanner, cause he's sick and that's what the Vet told me to do. Poor guy. Jamie is going to give me some cleaner so I can clean my carpets tomorrow. I'm starting to hurt again. Probably cause I'm back to drinking more pop, cause of me liking the diet Mist. I talked to Billy last night and he said he's having a hard time finding a job around here. I hope he won't move, cause then I won't be able to sing with him no more at all, but he said he might move to the cities. I've been talking about money with Thomas and I'm not so sure he's planning on paying me in December either, cause he was mentioning that he is doing his share by providing some food. FUCK THAT!! That's not enough! I'm not going to have him leech off of me like that. In other ways we're getting along good though. I guess we'll see.

December 4, 2001
I really would like to stay with Thomas. I think I will do what he did to me those couple of times that he moved. I will tell him that I'm not breaking up with him, but that I want him to move.. I'm not too sure what he's going to do or how he's going to react, but if he ends up breaking up with me or starts picking a fight (which will make me break up with him), then so be it. I know there are other guys in the world. I had a blast at Rustic Valley Saloon the other day. It was a good show, even though it slowed down around midnight. I asked Jay about letting Billy perform and he seemed to like the idea.. gave me a card and told me to tell Billy to contact him. I hope Billy gets to go down there and I'm off when he does so I can go there and sing with him, or at least watch them. Lisa already said she would go with me.. (as long as it's on a weekend) and I'm sure Scotty and Dan would come too on a weekend. Let's just hope he won't book him on a weekday, cause that would suck.. but I think I'd still go.. some of the guys who came to my show might show up then too, so it wouldn't be boring or anything. I think Billy would like it there too, I sure do!

December 5, 2001
I just finished going over Thomas' old site.. God was I in love with him..and how much more I could feel his love back then.. what the fuck?! I want to go back there.. I guess back then I didn't care about the money.. I made that mistake right from the start... I still hope he will pay me something this payday.. it's getting close.. he's getting paid tomorrow. He seems to be very impatient with me lately too for some reason. I really do hope everything will work out.

December 7, 2001
Thomas gave me 26 bucks last night! He said it's not much but that's all he could do this paycheck.. I'm surprised and I told him that.. so he said "I told you I would pay you when I could" Hmmm, missed an opportunity again, cause I should've said.. well, from now on you need to pay me every payday, cause you couldn't do that to a landlord either.. you would lose your place to live..but, I missed the opportunity.. I will have to learn to open my mouth and say things to him that are on my mind.. I will never be able to have a healthy relationship if I don't open my damn mouth! Hmmm ... it's hard to write anything about Dan since I know he's reading this sooner or later, but I guess that could be the case with everyone I write about and I'm sure there are people (like Aaron) who have read about themselves in here. I AM kinda worried about Dan, cause I know he likes me and I don't want him to be stuck on me just to find out I'm staying with Thomas.. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I also know that I won't break up with Thomas if I can work things out. I DO love Thomas and looking back on the poems I wrote just last year, I have to say that at no point in a relationship is there a guarantee of how you're going to feel just a year afterward.. who knows... I'm looking forward to tonight. Scotty is coming with me tonight. I really do like Scotty a lot. He's to me what John T. used to be.. my male best friend. Lisa is my female best friend. Maybe I get a chance to talk to Scotty tonight. Kim broke up with him. I feel bad for him. I just hope that one day he won't find some girl who hates my guts, or is jealous, cause I know it would break our friendship.. I would hate that. It's going to be interesting to find out who all is going to be there tonight. I won't be taking Judy.. I'm starting to wonder about her, cause she seems to like to talk about other people in a bad way.. I don't like that.. makes me wonder what she says about me behind my back. Just like it's partially her fault that Kim broke up with Scotty.. I really don't know what to make out of some of these girls.. what makes women like that tick.. if you really like that person.. for Gods sake, let them be happy.. don't ruin their relationships just cause they're not going out with you.. how fucked up is that? And why would anyone go out with someone who broke up their relationship to begin with.. I'm worried about Tanner.. He now nipped at David... I'm not sure what happened exactally and it makes me wonder how they're treating him.. David is telling me to get rid of him.. I guess I'll see tomorrow what the deal is.

December 11, 2001
Well, Thomas has been pretty decent lately and has made an effort not to go to the pawn shop, but then again, his favorite one closed shop too.. I've been telling him to pay his debt off and not get another car on loan, but I think he will soon. I also think he's getting ready to switch jobs again...if he's starting that job-hopping again, I won't have it.. there's a difference between bettering yourself and not being able to stick with a job. I guess I have to wait and see.. I don't want to judge before it even happened, but I just have a feeling... maybe Bella was right. At least he's paying me now. I seem to be able to open up just a little more about the money issue. I also told him yesterday that a nice guy would've put up the Christmas lights for me.. he said to find me a nice guy..that there aren't any nice guys left... He also said that it's stupid to stay with someone if you know that you're not going to stay with them for the rest of your life.. that made me think.. what if someone isn't sure? What if someone doesn't know if she can live with the shortcomings? What if she loves him and just doesn't want to let go? What if? It's not all that black and white. I think if Thomas and I won't last, I might just take some time for myself.. like I'm supposed to... and heal.. work on myself... I know I have my shortcomings... but I don't really want to give up on Thomas either. I DO love him.. He had a lot of good qualities.. most of all he doesn't go on my nerves... I think a lot of guys do...go on my nerves that is... like Scott W. or that Frank used to.. they drove me absolutely nuts. I have no patience for someone like that. I guess I'm pretty set in my ways..I still pray that everything is going to work out.. maybe.. just maybe Thomas will see the light and get his act together..pay his shit off.. at least the bad stuff. That's my wish for Christmas.. that he gets a little more responsible. What Dan feels for me reminds me a lot of my crush on Billy.. only that I've had a crush on Billy for a lot longer, he doesn't know (or maybe he does and I just don't know that he does), he IS single just would never date me, so I have no hope to hang on to... which should make it easier to end this crush, but it really doesn't. It makes me wonder what I should do.. I mean in a way it's nice to know that someone out there actually cares for me like that.. but in the same breath I have to say that I rather would've been kept in the dark about it, cause now it's hard for me to offer my friendship, cause it makes me think that I give him hope where there isn't any. Dan said maybe it's destiny.. that's exactally what I thought to myself in the case of Billy.. makes you see things in a different light, I tell ya. Maybe it is destiny that we met.. maybe there is a purpose in all of this and maybe it's NOT that we end up together. I know there is a reason for everything and everyone we meet..in this I have to agree with Dan, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we're destined to have a relationship. Who knows what it means..Anyway, I guess it's up to him to figure out what to do, cause I told him from the very start where I stand and that's where I still stand. If I ever break up with Thomas it won't be to be with him, or anyone else for that matter. I've been thinking about the internet a lot lately.. I know I can make money there somehow..just have to find a way to yet. I need to find a source that gives me more than what I got.. I make enough.. really, but I want more..without having to go back to school. Internet would be great too. I mean heck, I have 4 years to fulfill my vision.. somehow I have to make it come true.. I'm close, but not there yet. If I double my income, I think I can say I made it to where my vision wanted me to be. And I can't do that with the Karaoke, cause I don't want to do the Karaoke every day of the week.

I wrote Dan a letter on aol and then talked to him on the phone.. I guess from the way it sounded, we won't be talking for a while.. kinda sad. I know it hurt him, but there's nothing I can do. I guess I can only hope that he can work things out in his head so we can be friends. It's funny cause like I said it reminds me of how I feel for Billy, but... I can still go on.. I have a boyfriend and I could be friends with Billy if he would let me be his friend... there wouldn't be a problem.. I guess I can keep my feelings in check that way.. .but I also would've never told Billy how much I like him.. well, unless he reads this, but.. Billy could never be 100 % sure which Billy I'm talking about...:-).. there's just too many Billys that I know.

December 12, 2001

I told Dan today that I missed talking to him... after thinking about it I do have to say that he's pretty damn selfish.. I mean heck.. when I told him that Tanner attacked me he didn't even seem to care.. "poor me and what I feel like" wake up Dan... if I was single would I want to date a guy who didn't even ask WHAT the dog did to me? He didn't care if I was hurt or anything.. I didn't think about this until after I signed off... I was upset that he didn't want to talk..that he says he cares about me, but doesn't even want to be reminded that I exist.. at least that's how he came across.. "let me wallow in my self-pity so I can get over this".. No, this is not like what I feel for Billy.. what I feel for Billy is that I want him to be happy... I WISH he would want to be my friend, so I could be closer to him... talk to him more often.. learn what his likes and dislikes are.. be someone he values.. that's what I feel for Billy. Some connection from a past life maybe. It's not selfish at all.. But then again, this started a couple of years ago, not just a couple of weeks ago.. it's deeper than the skin. Oh well, I guess I'll get over not talking to him... it's not like it's been going on forever and I won't miss it terribly long. It's still not fair, but then again, what in life is fair? Yes, I'm mad.. but I have a right to be.. I never lead him on.. told him right from the start friends only and when he started calling and talking to me I welcomed the attention I was getting.. AS A FRIEND! Enough said! Where is Scotty when you need him? This weekend is going to be cool, cause Scotty said he's going to be there both days and Lisa will be too... I love having both of them there. I wish Billy would come to my show someday... or Tammy. Jimmy's seen my show... So has Steve T and Steve F, Pete, Ruth and Carl, Conny and Lisa.. seems like everyone but Tammy, Mike and Billy. Oh well. I'm starting again with the "no soda" kinda thing.. I only drank two cans today.. tomorrow I want to be down to one can already.. I can keep it to one can for the next week or so..then stop completely.. or at least to only every now and again..I'm replacing it with coffee.. so I won't have the headaches.. it's cold enough now to where I don't sweat to death when I drink the coffee... it actually is nice cause it warms me up.

December 14, 2001
It looks like Thomas is going to buy that car and I'm thinking he will probably not give me any more money if he does. Well, I'm going to stick to my guns if he doesn't.

December 19, 2001
Well, I talked to Thomas (I finally had enough guts to) and I think (hope) things are going to be alright. He knows what I want and he seems to want to stay with me. I guess when I compare guys as a whole to Thomas, Thomas always comes out way ahead than any other guy, cause he doesn't drink, do drugs or smoke... I just hope we can work out the financial part. He's a great guy in so many aspects...