January 3, 2000
I have a boyfriend. I have a feeling about Thomas that is greater than I've ever experienced. I'm in love. He's one of the better kissers I've had too. He's gentle and I can tell he cares deeply. The way he looks at me, the way he acts...he's wonderful. Something I've been looking for. He holds me, touches me. We have fun together. He spent Saturday night at my house. Tammy said she hears wedding bells. I think that'll be a while yet though, but it might happen. I'll give us a half a year and we'll probably be living together. Then I will have to get rid of two kids, cause his will be here quite a bit. I don't mind either. I would love to raise them both...wish she would just give him both kids and just visit. would be nice to have two little ones again. I still want one of my own though... Cassandra. I went smokeless into the new Millennium and I went in it with a wonderful boyfriend... so I asked him out. A first... I don't feel so shy anymore. At least not with him. I'm in love.
January 4, 2000
I have all the reasons in the world to be happy and today I'm blue. I am scared. Scared that I will screw up Thomas and I. He's so sweet.. that I will probably end up screwing up everything.. I want to be the perfect girlfriend. I want to be the kind of girl he wants me to be... I know I know, I should be who I am and not who he wants me to be... that's where I always screw up. I'm sure I won't screw up in the sense that I will break up with him, cause he's different then the guys I've been with before, but I'm scared that this time it's going to be me with the broken heart... I'm scared that he will decide that he doesn't like me enough to be with me. I pray that God will give me the wisdom to keep this relationship going. I pray that God will give me the understanding it takes to be a good girlfriend.
January 9, 2000
This weekend was awesome, but way too short. Thomas spent the whole weekend and I had a lot of fun. I came so close to actually telling him that I loved him, but I only wrote it on his arm last night and even that with an I (heart) u. As he was leaving tonight he told me that he's going to miss me. Oh well..there is a lot of time for us yet... I can feel that he loves me. He plays with my hair, rubs my arm, etc. things I usually do to a guy... (I still do to him)... and I love it. I met his parents too and I guess his Mom thinks I'm very pretty. She's nice. I will work some more on my website tonight... correcting some errors. Can't wait to be with Thomas again. He too has a hard time expressing what he feels... probably more so than me. We ended up watching a couple of his movies and we went to the Green Door on Friday, where I ran into Dave.. kinda told him off... his loss..hehe... I'm glad he has a girlfriend, cause I wouldn't have started going out with Thomas and I think Thomas succeeds all the other guys in quality. He's wonderful.
January 13, 2000
Well, tomorrow is another start of a weekend. I can't wait.... I just don't seem to get enough of Thomas. Today he's not here yet... actually he hasn't come home from work yet and I'm a little worried. I'm sure he's ok, cause I don't feel fear inside and I think I would if he'd gotten hurt or something. I figured he would be home by now. He's been at work over 12 hours now... ouch. Poor guy.. he's going to be dead tired when he gets home. I wish he would get this other job. He wouldn't have to deal with driving anymore. The whole family is already involved. His sister and his Mom e-mail me a lot. I think it's cool. I wish I could just have Thomas move in with me, but I know it's way too quick. Besides, I have to remind myself... I have the rest of my life to be with him and so I can be patient. I know we'll stay together. Yesterday was so cute. He was asking to sing From this Moment and when we did he pulled me close. When it came to the I love you part of the song, I sang it and he went "I" really funky and we both ended up laughing our asses off. He said he doesn't know why he did that. I know. He's still uncomfortable with saying "I love you" which is perfectly alright. I know he does. I can feel it. He's wonderful...I feel loved and cared for... not taken for granted. He's just so sweet.
January 18, 2000
Thomas is going to move in with me. I'm not sure when yet, but we talked about it last night and I called today to see if his being on probation would be a hindrance and they said because of the type of charge it is it wouldn't matter. Cool! I can't wait. Then he can pick up his kids too and I'll watch them while he's at work. Then I have a family to take care of again...it's going to feel nice. I'm going to pick up some frogs (containers for under the bed...(the kids and I have named them frogs) and then I'm going to get a couple of cribs and a toddler bed and I'm set for everyone to move in. I wish Pam would decide she doesn't want to raise Michael and Savannah and I would get to do that.. it would be so cool. But I still want another child.. One more. Mine. I hope I will be able to.
January 19, 2000
Well, I've met Mikey and Savannah today. I don't think I have a problem with his kids. Mikey is sweet as can be and already gives me hugs. He's a cutie pie. Savannah is still too young to have a dislike that lasts any long period, so I'm not worried with her at all. She didn't seem to dislike me either though. Hopefully Thomas will be done early with work tomorrow, then he can come and bring the kids over here and get them used to the surroundings here. Then Friday I guess he's still moving in. Next week I'll end up watching them. I'm a little worried how things will end up going to be with them here and stuff, but I think everything will work out fine. I guess Pam was surprised that Thomas wanted to keep the kids till March. But she said it was ok. Now Thomas just has to get something for Mikey to sleep on and we'll be all set here. Everything is ok here with Savannah being able to sleep in the crib in the living room and Mikey will have the daycare room.
January 26, 2000
It' been a while again... now that I've got Thomas, I don't feel the need to write much anymore. I'm really happy with him. He's telling me he loves me without me telling him first, he is sweet as can be to me and he helps. I just never had anyone like him.... it's an experience I've longed for for so long. It's something I have looked for and didn't think existed anymore. I have found the feeling of being loved by someone I love. Knowing, and being sure that I'm being loved... it feels so good. His kids are wonderful and seem to get along with me just fine. Mikey is close to me as long as Daddy isn't around. He's just a Daddy's boy. Savannah is ok with me most of the time.
February 17, 2000
It's been a little while that I wrote and I think I know now that I don't write in two cases.. when I'm down and when I'm extremely happy. I wasn't feeling too good these last few days..irritable and for a few weeks now I can't remember nothing. I even forgot my Mom's birthday. But it's getting better again. I got my period yesterday too. I'm still very happy with Thomas, but then I realized that I was getting kinda depressed, cause I AM so forgetful and I had the aha affect... I think that's when I started going back up. Thomas and I are getting along wonderfully. Just found out that he doesn't think marriage is good... or something like that. Told him what I was thinking and that to me marriage is the ultimate and that I hope that it's in my future and that I hope that one day I will be married again. I really want to be married and have another child. I really do.
April 17, 2000
Boy, it's been exactly two months since the last time I wrote in here. I am still very much in love with Thomas and he seems to be the best guy I've ever dated. I get along great with everyone of his family members and they all seem to like me a lot too. I don't know if I still feel the same way about having another child. To care for Savannah and Mikey full time kinda opened my eyes to what to REALLY expect... daycare is only part time, not 24/7. Oh well, I'm fine with the kids I have I guess. It costs too much nerves to go through all that again. Besides, it's nice to be alone with Thomas too... away from all the kids. I know I need to watch my spending or I'm going to end up in a world of trouble. I haven't been taking my meds for a while now and I feel really good about it. I have come to the conclusion that I'm not Bipolar after all and I'm going to change my website and quit the subscriptions on the internet. I guess it was helping me get through a period of my life though when I felt lonely. Loneliness is a culprit of a lot of mental problems I believe. But I love Thomas and I feel loved by him which makes life a lot easier.
April 24, 2000
Everything is still wonderful with Thomas. He moved back in on the 16th and stuff is normal. Hopefully it will stay that way too. I'm having a bit financial difficulties and need to get my shit together if I ever want to own my own home. I'm still hoping that the Karaoke will take off good or that Alexis is still coming back to daycare, cause then I know I can pay my stuff without too many problems and probably still buy at the end of this year. I guess I just have to wait and see. If not, I guess I will have to try to find myself a part-time job cleaning or something like that in the evening a couple of times a week. Just for a little while so I can catch up.
June 7, 2000
Well, I'm still doing good without being on medication and I really do think that all this Bipolar was just a way of finding some explanation to the way I felt for so long. Maybe it's just so hard to be a single parent and being alone, that that's what made me depressed? Now that I have someone and feel I can lean on someone I really don't feel bad anymore. Of course I have days where I don't feel all "together", but it's a slight feeling and nothing major. Also it's kinda tough when you don't have any friends... real friends anyway, to lean on and to count on. I love Thomas and I can tell he loves me. We've been together for almost 6 months now. Not bad to still feel good about the relationship. I'm really sinking into this relationship, meaning I can really show myself, my whole person and feel worthy being loved. I feel lovable with him and I feel like he feels there's no one else for him as well. We're going to have the kids again this coming weekend for a week. I'm looking forward to that. Watching Savannah sleep..she's so cute. The daycare is going ok too now. I have Rachael and Alexandria. Alexandria is Savannah's age and almost as cute. I do have a few problems with the kids and decided we need to go back to counseling.. as a family. I feel inadequate as a parent at the moment. I feel like I'm failing in raising Jenny and sometimes I feel like I'm losing with David too. I guess counseling would be a good idea.
November 16, 2000
There is triumph and victory in life after all which is covered by love. The goal is a satisfying lasting love relationship. This is the beginning with a kindred soul. I've had success with the Karaoke and triumph over money difficulties and ill health in the past. I will achieve greatness. In the past I felt the need to "fit in", which is not so important anymore. There are balanced forces, indecision. I'm somewhat mysterious. I've carried bitterness and frustration about marriage. I have the ability to take power from above and direct it through desire into manifestation. I need to be more patient and responsible. Favorable testimony about a black-haired, young man. There's a blond, blue eyed young man who's a faithful lover (this may be a child). There will be an active dark-haired brown-eyed boy or girl spying on me (either good or evil). There will be an unforeseen catastrophe. There will be disruption in my life that may bring enlightenment. Watch money! I must be sure to make the right choices in my life. There'll be a blonde, blue-eyed woman, animated and magnetic. She's friendly, chaste and honorable. Some kind of education. I will be involved in deception, unforeseen perils. Bad luck to the one I love. Why is Bill in my life?
Making the right choices in my life.
The right choice in what?
Hopes, love, letters, journey by air
What about Thomas?
Sorrow, tears, separation. I will find him make away with something that's not his.
Will Bill ever be my friend?
Will I ever get married again?
It will be completion when I do.