1999

baby

March 19, 1999
I don't think Jamie and I are going to last. I just can't handle the BP part of him. He's manic right now and he doesn't even realize how screwed up his thinking is. He acts just like Dave. He fabricates stuff that is so far fetched, yet you can tell he fully believes in everything he says. I've been trying really hard to keep my calm and not bitch at him or pick fights, but it's hard. Especially since I don't have an outlet for all of the frustration. Last night I couldn't sleep because of the noise (first his snoring then the "noise" machine). I ended up going on the couch and slept just fine there. I start having hatred thoughts. It's just all getting too much. It seems like all the weight is on my shoulder. He keeps saying he's going to buy this house, but heck he's not even paying his bills off and he's getting further and further behind. The way he's been peeling in and out of the driveway is scary and worries me that I'm going to end up losing kids over it, or end up having a kid run over. Everybody keeps telling me I'm crazy to stick with a BP, knowing what he has and not even being with him for a year and I'm starting to feel like they're right. Do I really want to live like this? Will he ever be stable? Especially since he's already missing meds again. Well, I guess I'm getting close to my knowing him a year. That's when I seem to break of in the past. I'm thinking of looking into buying the neighbors house. I don't know if I would qualify quite yet. I know I would 6 months from now.

May 26, 1999
Paul has contacted me. I guess he always had a part of my heart, even though I've done an ok job with trying to forget him. Paul and Todd are the only two men in my life I can't seem to get over. I can think about Todd and not feel so much sadness though. Ever since I've started talking to Paul (last weekend) I've been crying again. Tim thinks it's just the memory that I'm still in love with. I don't think so. It was that way with Tim M. but I knew that too. With Paul there seems to still be a connection of some sort, like the 17 years we haven't seen each other don't even really exist. Oh well, there's no future for us. He's married. I used to tell people that if I would've stayed with Paul, he would've carried me through life. I still think that way. I miss him. 1 1/2 weeks till my parents arrive. It's going to be nice!

June 28, 1999
My parents left Saturday. I kind of miss them. Paul and I got into a fight cause he keeps telling me how much he still loves me. He shouldn't, cause he's married to a nice lady. Anyway, we weren't talking for a while, but now we are again. I don't feel bad about him anymore though. I talked to Karen (Paul doesn't know) and came to the conclusion that we're better off with what happened). Jamie and I broke up and are now only room-mates. He's been sleeping on the couch for about a week now. I need to stop falling head-over-heels in love with guys I don't know. I will date, but I won't get serious. I can't allow myself to. I need to wait a year before I fall. This seems to be the break point (a year). My past few relationships have all lasted almost exactly one year. I need to watch for red flags including drugs, alcohol, married and mental diseases. I will not date another fat guy, cause it makes me care less about gaining weight, which I don't want. I would like to get to know Thad and Don. Guess I'll see.

July 21, 1999
Jamie is moving out on the 1st. I haven't met Dan again. Maybe he got caught for drunk driving. I did meet Scott though. I think I first noticed him at the Green Door. He has an awesome voice and isn't bad looking either. He looks a little like Dave. He asked me for my number at Benny's last week Tuesday. Since then we've talked quite a bit. He's a recovering addict which scares me (Todd and Dave), but I've decided I'm going to take the chance. Last night we've kissed for the first time. I don't want to rush sexually and since I can't move out of here nor move him in here, I have to be slow in that regards and that will help. I'm hoping and praying for the best. It would be nice to finally have success in a relationship as well as with material things. It looks like I'm having success in regards to weight (18 lb loss since April) as well. Now I'm also going to reap success in quitting smoking. My quit-date is August 6th. If all goes well, I couldn't be a happier person. I'm a little down cause the kids are gone and I miss them terribly. They just left yesterday. I'm glad I have Scott now - something to keep my mind occupied, or I'd be crying all day long. Had to take some ST. John's Wort this morning. Scott's b-day is July 23, 1963, this Friday.

July 22, 1999
Scott spent the night last night. We didn't do anything though - just snuggle. I'm glad he didn't try anything, cause it's way too soon. I talked to a NA guy on the net today and he was saying that I couldn't find a better guy then one who's clean and involved in NA. That makes me feel a little better. I miss Jenny. Just went downstairs. I know David is ok, but I hope Jenny is too.

July 26, 1999
Well, even though I didn't want to fall in love again, and didn't want to get close to Scott for a while, it's happening. I've been loving the attention he gives me and I like the fact that we have the music in common. Somewhere between Thursday and Friday we've become boyfriend and girlfriend. I hope that that's a good thing. I'm sick of "fly by night" relationships that last for a year or less. I want to build my future with someone. I'm still scared. I don't want another heartbreak. I told Scott that I was falling. I've been feeling warm feelings before our kiss. The way he looks at me, the way we can talk to each other, his clean house, his willingness to help, his hard work in staying clean, and his view of life are all part of the reason I'm "falling". I know I fall too fast, but how can I change the way I feel? I would have to push him away emotionally and I'm not willing to do that. It's just a chance I will have to take.

October 21, 1999
Lots has happened again since last time. I was diagnosed with Major Depression (my Psychiatrist said that one), possibly Bipolar (my Therapist thinks maybe that one) - a mood disorder - me of all people. By now I've learned to actually like the idea. Seems like BP is the curse for the intelligent and creative. I'm both. Scott and I are friends. I am attractive. I have had so many guys wanting to go out with me it's funny. I love it.

November 2, 1999
I must be nuts. I'm in lust. I just realized this myself. I met Tony on Friday, October 15th. Bill introduced me to him. He's a drummer and he was interested in playing for me. We exchanged phone numbers. On October 22nd, we met at Glory Days and I ended up crying over Toby. Tony told me he wasn't worth it and I should tell him to leave. Well, I couldn't. After singing "Treat me Right", Tony asked me if I was looking for a man to treat me right and I told him I was, so he told me that he was that kind of man. Then he told me to quit looking for love, that it was right under my nose. I didn't think he was serious, cause he is 8 1/2 years younger than me and really good looking. Anyway, on Saturday he asked me to go to coffee with him and I did. He spent the night at my house, but fully dressed. He's been at my house every night. He's never really been in trouble with the law, no drugs, and no excessive drinking. He works, comes from a good family (Tammy said that and I trust her opinion). He has a boy (almost 2) who he would like to have custody of and the kids like him. He's calm, gentle, and smart. He's also the first guy I ever sang to. I sang "Passionate Kisses" on the 29th off stage to him. It felt good.

November 8, 1999
Friday night Tony smoked pot after Jimmy offered it to both of us. I was furious with Jimmy for even offering it and I was mad at Tony for doing it. He was supposed to drive me home that night, cause I was drinking, but after he took 2 hits, I decided I better sober up and drive myself. Well, Tony ended up not even going home with me and that made me mad, sad, and disappointed. He said he was going to call the next afternoon and never did. So I called Bill up and we decided to go to West Salem for Karaoke that night. I also called Toby up and Toby came over, played his guitar for a little while and then came with us to West Salem. I talked to Toby and we decided to be friends. I love singing with him so that made me feel good. I ended up calling Tony before I left and he said he was going to town with some of his buddies, so I was glad I had made plans. He asked me when I was going to be back and I told him bar-time. I was mad at him for not calling, mad at him for letting me go home by myself while I was still drunk, mad at him for smoking pot, and mad at him for not paying enough attention to me. Anyway, I had a good time Saturday night and Tony was supposed to call me Sunday before one and then meet me at the Green Door around one. He didn't call and he didn't show. I ended up paging Frank, but he never called. I tried to get Toby to go with me so I didn't have to go alone, but Toby had to stay home with his daughter. Dave was at work. I ended up running into Bill at Glory Days and spent a little time with him. I told him I was mad at Tony and that I didn't know if Tony was even with me anymore or if he still wanted to be in the band. I was feeling down and insecure.. the way I get when I get depressed. I wanted to drink, but knew I shouldn't. anyway, when I called the kids later, Frank had called and told David for me to come to Benny's. I went to Benny's with Bill and talked Frank into coming with me to the Green Door. He ended up kissing me once...a stolen peck. He kept trying to get under my shirt and I kept moving away from him. I told him I wouldn't mind dating him if there was no Tony, but that I'm not going to have a boyfriend for a while. At 10 pm Tony showed up.. ouch. I ended up talking to him and I told him everything that bothered me. He was very understanding. He said he thinks what I did was a small rebellion against him and I agree. I didn't really do anything wrong, but I guess I was playing with fire by seeing Frank. Now I don't know what to do with him again. I wouldn't be his girlfriend anyway.. he's too oppositional.. I don't like the way he behaves. Besides... I really want for Tony and I to work out... not for any cost, but I do care for him a lot. I guess now I have to see if his being understanding will lead to a change in his behavior. If it doesn't, well, then there cannot be a him and I. It just doesn't work. I think lately he's drinking way too much too. I would love to have him here every day, eating with us, sleeping with me every night, maybe watching tv occasionally.. and not go out so much. I would love to have him move in with me, but I'm too scared to voice that. I don't want to be rejected. I want him to show me that he cares. I want him to see how much I care for him. Well, maybe in time...and maybe not. I guess I will find out soon enough.

Went to school tonight and after I got home Tony showed up. He drove his ex-girlfriends car. But he didn't stay here for the night.

November 10, 1999
Well, I guess Tony and I are through. Tone was here yesterday morning telling me how Bill and Tony were smoking pot in the bathroom at Glory Days and how they smoked it in front of him at Bill's house. Tone said he doesn't smoke it and never has. Anymore I can't believe anyone... Anymore I don't think I want another boyfriend until I know the guy in and out. I'm so sick of lies. Is there anyone that's honest anymore? Anyway, then I was supposed to meet Tony at Benny's at 10 to 10 and he never showed up. So I called him from home at Glory Days and told him how I feel like I'm running after him and that I don't like it. Anyway, he wanted me to come back to Glory Days after Minda was picked up, but by the time I got down there it was already closed. I went to the Popcorn, but Lee said he hadn't seen Tony all night. Then I went to Benny's but he wasn't there either and when I went home there were no messages. I had enough. I wrote him a letter that follows.
Tony, I thought writing a letter would be easier for me than trying to bring my point across to you while talking to you. I also think it's better because you can take the letter and re-read it at a later time. Sometimes it's easy to forget things we hear, or the meaning of what was said gets lost. So here it goes. When I first started having an interest in you, it was because of the things you told me and the attention you gave me. Yes, I like the way you look, but looks are not the most important - the heart is! You told me you knew how to treat a woman right and when I asked you yesterday when you're going to start you said maybe when you're done with all the stuff that's going on. Tony, there's stuff going on in lots of people's life and it doesn't hinder them from being good to another person. It's a choice you make. In my opinion, treating someone right (man or woman) means being totally honest and truthful. It means communication, sharing thoughts, dreams, problems and happiness. It means doing things together, spending time together (and not just in the bedroom) and showing that you care about the other person. It means romance. And it also means you have to be reliable, cause that's the foundation where trust is built upon. We've only been together for a few weeks, but in those few weeks I have learned the following about you and our "relationship": A lot of times when we go somewhere (or meet), I feel like I'm there by myself, 'cause even if you sit next to me, it seems like you like to converse with other people more than with me. Am I that boring to talk to? I also feel like you do not want your friends to know who/what I am to you, because you either do not introduce me to them at all, or they're people who happen to sit next to us and even then you don't always introduce me. It makes me feel totally unimportant to you. Yes, you talk to me when I ask for your attention, but the initiation often does not come from you. You've told me many times that you will call me at a certain time, or in the afternoon, and the time came and went and the call never came. It makes me feel like you don't give a damn about me and you don't care if I'm waiting to hear from you or not. After not showing up at Benny's when you said you would yesterday, I was very disappointed. You said you were relaxing and I guess you want me to understand. Tony, it's ok to relax, but it's not ok to leave someone hanging. In my book that's selfishness. When I called you you said you wanted me to come back to town, but when I came to Glory Days, it was closed. I thought you might've went to Popcorn, but Lee said he hadn't seen you all night. I ended up going to Benny's just to make sure but you weren't there either. So I went home thinking you may have cared enough to have left a message, but no such luck. When we first met, you also said that you don't drink a whole lot. With what I've seen so far, I have to disagree with that statement as well. Tony, you may have a lot on your mind, but when you commit to someone to be boy and girlfriend and you take their heart, you are expected to give some of your heart in return. I don't see that happening. Tony, I feel like I'm running after you. I feel like I'm a fool. And I don't like it! I've been around the block and I'm not your average 20 year old Bimbo. Matter of fact, I'm not average at all. I'm not willing to run after anyone. I have too much pride for that and I'm worth more than that. A relationship - any relationship - is a give and take situation. I don't even care if you smoke pot or not anymore. It's beyond that Tony! Far beyond that! When I have a doubt in my mind, the only way that doubt can be taken is by talking about it. You weren't willing to listen to what I had to say. I'm looking at opportunities right now that I have only dreamed of in the past and I'm not going to have anyone bring me down, cause then I'll end up screwing everything up. I have made a choice and I'm going to be true to myself. Anyway, what it boils down to is that the way things look at the moment - knowing me and knowing you, I'm setting you free. If you really care about me and not just about having somebody - anybody, then straighten your life out and show me you care. Once you've sorted your "things" out that keep you from "treating me right", maybe we can get back together. Until then though, I'm not willing to be a pet-dog who wiggles with her tail when she sees you and waits patiently for some attention. I want more out of life than that. If this means you don't want to be my drummer, so be it. But it doesn't have to mean that. We can still be friends, you can still be my drummer and we can even date if you so choose, but I'm not willing to be your steady girlfriend until you realize I EXIST, I AM and I'm worth to be proud of. Monika

I think I will give him this letter tonight.

Well, I just gave him the letter after I watched him shoot pool for a little while and he didn't notice me there. I gave the letter to Andrea (the bartender) to read, cause she asked why I was going to break up with Tony. She said it was a nicely written letter and not mean and that it was to the point and that she can understand why I would want to break up with him. She also said that we shouldn't let guys treat us that way and that she guesses I don't let them cause I'm breaking up with him. Well, Tony didn't want to read it at first, stuck it in his back pocket and said he knew already what was in it. I asked him what he thought it was and he said that he needed a lot of time and space. I told him it wasn't quite that way so he went to the bathroom to read it. When he came back he said "Told you". I asked him if he was still going to be my drummer and he said he wanted to. Then he said I didn't have to leave because of him and that he hopes I'm not going around thinking "this son of a bitch" every time I see him. I told him that, like the letter said, I'm not mad at him like that, and that I would like to stay friends with him and still have him come over. I told him I was sad, cause I like him. He asked what I was sad about, since we'd still see each other and stuff and I told him because I can't have what I want and he said he can't either. Then he said we'd still be in the same boat we were in before. I didn't say anything to that. I told him I wanted to still go ice-fishing with him and he said "You better not let it get too cold." I told him that was up to him. Then he said he wouldn't get himself another girl and I asked him why not. He said I knew. Well, he said that he knew how I could get a hold of him and he knows how to get a hold of me. Frank called here while I was in school and told David to get a hold of him at Brothers. When I got there he wasn't there, so I paged him. I wish Tone would get a hold of me, cause I wouldn't mind going on a date with him. I found out that he really doesn't smoke pot. He's also my age and he's cute. In my book he's got a nicer personality than Tony, cause he doesn't act like he's God's gift to this earth. I liked the way he acted the very first day I met him (I only seen him twice but nevertheless) and I wish he would've showed some interest, cause Tony and I probably never would've been boy-and girlfriend. Oh well, I guess everything happens for a reason and this "relationship" showed me that I don't have to cry and feel bad every time I break up with someone and that I don't have to hang on to anyone when I know it's not going right. Especially now. I have so many guys who like me, why should I stay in a bad relationship. Well, enough said for today.

November 11, 1999
Paged Frank and invited him to dinner today. He called back pretty quickly. He'll be there shortly. We're going to a play at the college.

November 12, 1999
Let Frank spent the night on the couch. Went to Glory Days, John's and the Popcorn last night. Also went to the Country Bar for the first time and to Helms. Got home at 22:00. Didn't run into anyone I know really. Miss Dave already. Wish he didn't move to Superior. I miss being able to talk to him and tell him what's going on. It feels like now I have to find a new friend again, cause he's not close enough to listen to me. Guess I liked him more than I realized. He turned out to be a pretty good friend at the end. Once he found himself some other girls to chase instead of me, he was almost like a brother. It was nice to have him close. Oh well, I guess soon he'll be back I hope. I'm going to ask Toby to go with me to West Salem today. Hope he can go.I kinda miss Tony a little. I loved hugging him and looking into his eyes. I liked his eyes. Oh well, I'll find someone else I can fall in love with. I don't think it will happen with Frank. I've known him long enough to know that much. I wish Tony would straighten out and be with me, but I don't think that'll happen either. Toby...well, I don't know what I really think of him. I kinda like him, but not like Tony either. I like the other Tony... Tone. A lot. I don't know why since I don't even know him.. and only seen him twice, but for some reason I like him a lot. The advantage about him would be that I already know that he doesn't do drugs... the only thing would be to get him to call me more and spend time with me. I don't know anyone else yet.. maybe soon. I met a lot of guys, but none who tickle my fancy. Kipp and Tim from the Popcorn have started talking to me. I wish I could have Tim in my band... he has the beat... he's not so boring on stage. well, I guess in time I will get my band together somehow. My heart still says call Tony tonight, but my mind knows I shouldn't. I don't know if I'll break down yet. I know I won't if Toby is home and wants to go with me... but if he's not there, or doesn't want to go, that's another story. It will be hard not to call on Tony. I hope I'll hear from Tone sometime this weekend. Wish I knew if he really wasn't homeless. I don't think it would matter except for lying. I hate lies. Either I'm getting sick, or I'm sinking into a depression. I'm very tired, and I'm draggin around today. I want to jump and sing, but I'm not capable of doing so at the moment. I ache all over and my brain feels dull.

November 13, 1999
Went to the Popcorn last night and seen Tony. I think Tim likes me too, cause when I walked into the Popcorn he came up to say hi and didn't leave my side until I left the place. Tony said he missed me and that I was a really good woman. He said he'll always be my friend... more if need be... that's what he said. Then he said he was going to stop by the Green Door. I left for Karaoke to the Green Door. Tony did come down, but only stayed for a few minutes and then wrote on a paper while I was singing that he went back to the Popcorn. Then I met David. He's 41 and likes me. I know Tony thought I would end up going to the Popcorn to find him, but I didn't. I spent the rest of the evening with David and we ended up going to my house to watch Backdraft. He works for the Post Office and he doesn't do drugs. He owns his home and has a truck. Seems like a nice guy... only bad thing...he's going bald. His B-day is on July 19, 1958, another Cancer. I had a lot of fun with him though. He was dancing with me and hugging and stuff. I still miss Tony somewhat though. I don't know why, but I hope I'll see him tonight. Toby said yesterday he'll go out with me next weekend. I still have to tell David that I'm seeing more people.. dating more guys than just him, so he understands that I'm not going to be his girlfriend. I went up to Bill's house last night and he said I can come back anytime I want to. Wish he would go out with me... just friends is ok, but I like him. Oh well, I'm going to see him tonight and probably end up singing 99 Luftballons again. I'm going shopping now. Just had the urge to buy me something new for tonight and take the kids and treat them to something new as well.

November 14, 1999
I went to several different places last night. First to the Popcorn and I talked to Kelly there. Then I went to the North Star and sang a few songs. Jimmy was doing Karaoke. After that I went to Sully's next door and did "All fired up" and left to go to Glory Days. There I saw Tony unexpectedly and stayed there and talked to him. Then I realized that the band that was playing was Rose's band and Tony ended up drumming for them. They ended up getting Tony as a drummer I think. I left to go to Howies to sing with Billy and I had a blast. He was in a really good mood and he went in front of the stage to play every time I wasn't singing. It was so cool. I think I'm going to ask him to let me sing more... maybe I can sort of be in his band for a while. It would be so cool. They stopped playing soon after I sang and I went back to Glory Days and ran into Jimmy. He ended up playing the drums for Rose too and he was awesome. I like his playing better than Tony's cause he REALLY gets into the music and you could see he was having fun doing it. Maybe it was because he was drunk, cause he wasn't playing like that at his reception. Tony ended up coming home with me. I really did miss him a lot. It felt so good to lay in his arms and having him spent the night. I think this time was better than before... maybe cause I did miss him so much or maybe because I don't expect so much anymore? Anyway, he said he was going to call me soon.. probably tonight. I guess we'll see. Frank called last night while I was already gone trying to get me to go to the Riverside Inn to dance.. well, first of all I don't dance at the Riverside and second, I was already gone. Going shopping at Eddie Bauer today. Tony liked my new pant I bought yesterday.

November 15, 1999
Well, I did some more shopping yesterday and finally got me a cell-phone which I've wanted for quite a while. Last night I went downtown and tried to find something to do, but it was boring. David hasn't called me yet and when I called Frank, he was busy. Toby didn't want to go anywhere and Tony was nowhere to be found. Oh well, I ended up going home, lighting all my candles in the house and cleaned up. Then I fell asleep fast. I want to go to bed right after the last kid leaves tonight. I need my sleep. I talked to Tim last night also and we ended up talking for 2 hours. He said he was going to call me next time he was in town and we would get together. It would be nice to finally do something with the person I moved to La Crosse for in the first place. He said he hardly drinks anymore and he doesn't smoke pot anymore either... good. I flirted with him big time. I have to think of the time I first met him. I was so infatuated with him and it felt like I had met him before. I can recall a lot of things from back then. I wish he wasn't so hung up on Jeanine. She isn't worth it. I can feel it and I feel bad for him, cause he's depressed over her. I wish I could turn back the time, maybe I would've cheated on Doug with him. But who knows what the outcome would've been after that. And I can't turn back time anyway, so I guess I'll go from here.. haha... I'm trying to order something for Sascha for Christmas over the internet, but I can't get it to work right. It's too late to send a package now, so I have to figure something out over the internet.

November 17, 1999
Well, well, so I knew Tony was a liar. Yesterday, Lee, the bartender from the Popcorn told me he had seen Tony smoke pot in the bathroom there. Andrea thinks that Tony was frying on Acid on Monday. I wouldn't doubt it... he was pretty weird. I knew all along that I was right with the pot and here Tony was trying to make me feel bad. What an ass. I met Luke Monday night and I think the reason Tony didn't want him in the band was because he is his friend and Luke probably would've blown his cover. I think Luke wouldn't mind playing with me. I think I'm looking for a new drummer. Tony thinks he's some hot shit... I want someone humble... someone who knows there is stuff to learn and someone who knows that he's not the best. Tony is an arrogant son of a bitch and when I told him he was arrogant he said no he just doesn't lie to himself. What an idiot. He thinks I'm gonna run after him for eternity... haha. Soon enough he will be shocked to find out I have been with another guy. I haven't yet, but I'm sure the day will come. I'm not going to be lied to and treated like dirt by some guy who thinks he's God's gift to this earth. Andrea heard me sing Saturday night at Benny's and thought I was awesome. I like Andrea. Her boyfriend's name is Aaron. I wish David would call me. I know he works second shift, but he could call me before he goes to work. Oh well, maybe I'll run into him this weekend. I can't wait till I see Tim again. I remember when we used to party together. It's gonna be fun. I wish I wasn't such a fricken nice person. I would tell Tony exactally what I think about him and what an arrogant ass he is and what people think about him. Oh well, one day someone will get him to humble out.

November 18, 1999
Frank spent the night Tuesday to Wednesday and stayed here all day on my computer. I don't think I will see him again. I'm sick of his attitude too. I was using the word arrogant and he said it meant modest... I even looked it up and he still couldn't understand what modest was. Then he bitched constantly about my smoking and when he came to the Popcorn, he told Todd that I was his girlfriend and he got mad at me when I told him I wasn't his girlfriend. I have told him several times now that I'm dating other people. If anyone is my boyfriend, it would be Tony, cause he's the only one I do anything with. Oh well, I told him I was leaving and then I was standing there with Tony and Rose. Rose is an awesome singer. I'm a little jealous about Tony playing with her, cause she is doing what I wanna do.. but I'm getting closer. I gave Andy and Gabe my phone number yesterday and told them to call me when Gabe has his guitar, cause we'll be doing some Duets. Then I have Billy to sing with occasionally and soon enough I will know all of my songs and then I just start teaching people. I will use Tony to get my songs written down and maybe Billy can help me with the notes. I will have to learn them first though. Only know a few more than 10 at the moment, but I'm learning about a song a day now when I'm doing it. I know by March/April I have my stuff together and that's when I will have the money to buy equipment. I don't know yet if I will use Tony as my drummer. There is something about him that keeps attracting me to him... don't really know what. I think it's his smooth talking.. .him saying what a good woman I am, etc. But I know that this "relationship" won't last, cause I don't see us as boy/girlfriend, just more or less a partner right now I guess... free to go whenever we please. I like it that way, cause then it doesn't matter if he smokes dope or whatever he does. Toby called me last night while I was out... I will call him back tonight. Tim called me Wednesday night from New Jersey.. on the Cell Phone...wonder how much that'll cost... oh well... Court went ok today, but I won't know what's going on until December 2nd. The way it looks, Doug will have to pay me 902 Dollars each month...wow... no more worries there. I can finally start a college fund....I've been waiting for that day. I think I'm staying home tonight and go to bed early.

I went to City Lights tonight to see Billy play. He let me sing 99 Luftballons again as usual. I wish he would let me sing "It's your love".. now that I know it.

November 19, 1999
Went to the Popcorn last night and got into it with the owner. He ended up calling me a stuck up bitch... I just laughed at him. That got him going even more. Then later he tried to be nice after I told him that everybody in his joint liked me except for him. I left after I was done with my Mountain Dew and went to Billys' performance at City Lights. I wanted to see his brother sing and I did. I ended up singing 99 Luftballons too. At 11 pm I went home. At 5 am Bill's brother rang my doorbell. Billy wasn't home yet and his brother was locked out, so I told him to write him a note, stick it on his door and crash on my couch, which he did. This morning at 8 am, he went upstairs. I think it's kinda funny. Tonight I'm going to sing at Glory Days and Dave is going to be there. He called me last night and I was trying to get him to come to City Lights last night, but he was working and didn't want to go. I'm also meeting Tony at Glory Days tonight, so that's going to be interesting. I think Frank doesn't like me anymore, cause he didn't answer my page, but that's alright, he's a little too possessive for my taste anyway. I'm hoping that Toby will go out with me tomorrow night.

November 21, 1999
Went to Glory Days for Karaoke with Jimmy on Friday night and ended up taking Tony home. While I was there, Toby showed up and sang Paradise by the Dashboard Lights with me. Then I met a guy named Dan who sang "It's your Love" and "You and I" with me and we sounded awesome together. I ended up giving him my phone number so we could sing again sometime. David showed up later and told me I was a man magnet...lol. Kinda funny! Jimmy said it was true. Well, too bad the guys that I really would like to go out with aren't of the opposite pole so they're attracted to the magnet as well. Yesterday I went to West Salem to see Tammy's show. I also went to the Green Door for Jimmy's benefit. Kinda got pissed off at Tony, cause he wanted me to drive him home at first... so I stayed till 2 am and then he said he ran into a friend and wasn't going to go with me. I'm feeling icky today. I think it's just a flu or something but I also made a decision last night not to go to the Popcorn anymore. Not only because of the owner, but everytime I go in there, Tony thinks I'm in there for his sake, even when I'm not. I think I might not go to the Popcorn anymore at all. So that means I just go out Tuesday's to Benny's for Karaoke whenever I can and then maybe Thursdays for Billy and on the weekend for Karaoke.

November 23, 1999
Went to school yesterday and straight home. I was tempted to look for Tony, but didn't. I made it.. yeahhhh! I won't go anywhere tonight either, unless I feel good enough to sing one song at Benny's, but I won't go in anywhere else if I do and I don't think I will feel good enough, cause I feel worse today than yesterday and am going to the Doctor tonight. I have been studying songs and can now sing Faithfully from Journey. I'm up to 23 songs now that I can sing out of my head...that's pretty good I think. I'm calling Luke tonight, cause I would like to have him as my keyboard player. I guess I have to see if he wants to do it, even if Tony won't be my drummer. I have a feeling that he will. Thursday we're going to go to the La Crosse Center for Thanksgiving. Next year I'm hoping I will know enough people to have Thanksgiving dinner at my house. It would be nice to cook a big meal for someone again. I hope Dan will call me this weekend, cause I would like to go singing with him somewhere. He seems like a nice guy and he has a beautiful voice. Maybe he'll sing in my band sometime. I want Toby to sing Paradise by the Dashboard Light with my band sometime... it would be nice. I missed my appointment with Candy yesterday, but there's nothing pressing anyway, so it's not a big deal. It's not like I'm deeply depressed or anything... I've been feeling pretty good actually. Now that I'll get more child support, I will be able to pay my bills on time again too and pay some of this junk off. I think I might pay one of my student loans off first, so I can't buy anything new when I pay it off. It if pay off a credit card, I'll just end up using it again sooner or later. Besides, it would be nice to have that 56 Dollar payment out of the way each month. And it would probably look pretty good on my credit report too. I want to buy a guitar as soon as I can afford one. Maybe I can play it in my band when I start it, but if not, I can at least learn and use it later and I can use it for song writing.

November 24, 1999
I'm a little down today. I think I'm due to get my period so I figure that's probably the reason why. According to the calendar, I'm due to start tomorrow if I'm on a 28 day cycle, which I used to be on. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. But it makes perfect sense why I feel a little self-conscious and down if it's so close to getting my period, cause I usually do. It does make me wonder though if the Zoloft is actually helping or if it's mania time that has me not being depressed, cause I've been definitely way further up than I used to. I think the last time I felt this confident etc. was when I first started being with Americans back when I was 15/16. Recording all of this though is a big help cause I will know soon enough if he Zoloft is actually helping for the depression. I know it's making me calmer, or at least I think that's an affect from the Zoloft. I also haven't seen any shadows, but that could be another thing about being in manic times. Who knows. Tony wasn't at the Popcorn, but I left early, so I can't say if he didn't show up later. I wish he would call me. It would show me that he does care somewhat. Oh well, I'll survive. I still like Billy. I still wish he would ask me out. But I still will settle for friendship. we have become closer since I've been going upstairs more often. I borrowed one of his CD's of White Lion and they're actually pretty good. Today when I called he said he was stalk naked so I said "Well that would be a sight"..lol... Then when I did go up there he opened his door in his Boxers... funny. If he was to ask me out I would tell everyone else to go to h... I just think he's extremely sexy and I love his voice. He holds down a job, he seems to be a really nice guy. And he's self-conscious.. at least sometimes... that much I've already found out. I went to Spanky's for the first time tonight and met Gina there. Her co-workers band (Pulse 8) was playing there. They were pretty good, but just like Lava... a little too loud for my taste. Boy do I wish I would have speakers like that. I met Tim (Tammy's boyfriend) there too. I guess he used to be their soundman. David is watching Gina's kids tonight and it showed me once again how much I love Joseph. He's such a cutie. I wish he was my own. It makes me want another baby so bad. Oh well, maybe one day. If I ever find a good enough guy to get married to and stay married to, then maybe I will have another child, but as long as things aren't working out with guys, I'm not going to get a reversal done, cause I don't want to raise another child on my own.

November 25, 1999
We went to the La Crosse Center today for Turkey Dinner. I saw Wheels there. He was all by himself. It's gotta be lonely for him. I've tried to call Tony, but I missed him before and after dinner. Oh well, maybe he'll call me back. If not I'm sure I'll see him sometime this weekend. It's impossible not to run into him downtown on the weekend, unless he has a new girlfriend and is hanging out in Winona, but he has that gig this Saturday, so I know I'm going to see him. I'm gonna check and see if there's any Karaoke tonight. Probably not... will have to wait till tomorrow night. I'm happy that I don't have to work this weekend. Dave said he's going to call me tomorrow and sing with me this weekend and I have his cell-phone number as well. So I know I'll have someone Friday to hang out with anyway. Good. I'm gonna learn my songs now.. maybe one new one even, but I wanna make sure I have the old ones down first.

November 27, 1999
Now I haven't seen Tony in exactally one week. I guess I miss him. I hope he's really playing at the Terrapin Station or whatever it's called today, cause I'm going to go there and hopefully get to talk to him for a few. I want to know if he has a girlfriend now or what. I'm also missing Billy. He's been gone since Wednesday night, cause he went home for Thanksgiving. If I could've talked Toby into gong with me, I would've went to Mouston where Billy was playing last night, but neither one of us had the money to spend the night and it's too far to go and drive back late at night. Oh well. Toby spent the night from Thursday to Friday. We went to see Big Daddy Cade at the Popcorn and I ended up singing Hotel California with him. I didn't know the whole song, but he made me sing the parts I knew..lol. Next time I will know the whole song. I will also get a tape to him and he said he's gonna learn to play Pat Benatar and let me sing it too. He's going to hook me up with a band. Well, we'll see. Last night I went for Karaoke to Krome's with Toby and he ended up staying there with some girl.. I forgot her name. It bothered me not only because I know they slept together, but also because I'm not sure if she was driving to La Crosse as drunk as she was. I do like Toby (not as a boyfriend kinda way, but still) and I don't want him to end up in a ditch or jail or something. I met Dave at Krome's and found out that he's got a girlfriend of 7 years. So I guess he's a no go. I'm not contributing to some cheating ass. I'm glad I asked him if he lived alone, cause I don't think he would've told me otherwise. Tim was supposed to be back this weekend, but I guess he's still on the road, cause I haven't heard from him. Oh well, I guess it's either time to find some new suitors or to get serious with someone. Well I dont' know anyone to get serious with, so I guess I have to find some new guys. How in the world do I pick the runt of the litter every time? Well, at least it doesn't take me a year to find out anymore. And I don't get involved with my heart like I used to either. May it be the Zoloft, the mania or getting older and wiser... who knows, but I like it better this way. I'm going to have fun tonight and maybe I bring Tony home, and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll find a new guy tonight and maybe I won't, but I know I will have fun tonight.

November 28, 1999
Well, I have my period, so now I know why I started getting depressed. I wish the Zoloft would take that away too. I will have to ask Candy when I see her, how come it doesn't do it. Maybe the Zoloft doesn't even help and the reason I haven't been depressed lately is because it's just not that time for me. Oh well, only time will tell I guess. Last night I went to Glory Days to have some fries and ran into Bill. He ended up getting really drunk and obnoxious. I should've known better than to hang out with him. Oh well. I went to Maudies and Sully's to do Karaoke with Jimmy and Tammy. Dave came later and I told him that I will not be involved with him due to his having a girlfriend. So he said he can't see me anymore cause he can't be just friends, he wants more. Oh well.. I told him it was his loss not mine. I get so sick of Doug-like guys. I also went to the Tapperin Station and saw Tony play and wasn't very impressed with the band. NO stage performance whatsoever. hardly any smiles, only a few people and Rose wasn't loud enough. Rose is an awesome singer..she's selling herself short. Not me! I'm going to have a great band and great sound and I will have great stage performance and I will get the crowd moving. I asked Tony if he felt like going to Embers and he said yes, so I waited around. The bartender was trying to get me to leave, but Tony told him I was with him and so he only made Bill leave. He was pissed that he had to leave and not me.. .lol. Good for him. Anyway, Tony and I went to Embers and Bill ended up showing up there. After Embers Tony asked me if he could come over and I said sure and he spent the night. Billy was already home. I wonder what it would feel like laying in his arms. I don't know why I'm so infatuated with him. He looks so fricken sexy to me and he has a way that makes me totally attracted to him. Today I'm supposed to see Doug's lawyer. I don't know if I'm going to do anything. I think the lawyer is full of shit and I think he's just trying to get Doug a good deal. I don't believe he can get Doug out of paying the Child Support even if I don't agree to anything else. I guess I have to risk losing it all? If I do, I guess it's worth the money to get a case in West Virginia. I hate Doug! I'm sick of doing everything his way. I'm tired of listening to what he wants. It's going to be my way..the kids' way.. or he's going to pay big time. I'm not agreeing to nothing if he wants to be a prick. I'm just so sick of men who think they can push me around. I'm sick of liars, cheaters and insincere people. I need some good people in my life... a good man.. some good friends... and some drug-free band members.

December 1, 1999
Well well. Dave came back from Superior, but is only going to stay till Friday and then head back. Frank spent the night these last two nights and I told him he couldn't spent another night tonight. I offered Dave he could stay here till Friday. I'm hoping Tony will come over to fix the door tonight and spent the night also. I miss Tony. Billy isn't in too good of a mood I guess... or sick or something. I'm still a little sick, and lost my voice today. I'm hoping it will stop soon. I know I can't go singing like this. I'm done cleaning the whole house and putting plastic on all the windows that will have plastic and now I'm going to finish up end-of-the-month report and then finish puttin up all the Christmas stuff. I hope I can sing again this weekend.

December 5, 1999
Tony hasn't been over, so it's been over a week now that I last saw him. I talked to him on the phone earlier and told him that I missed him and that he didn't have to work if he'd come over that I would just like for him to spend some time with me. I think he has someone new now, cause he doesn't want to come see me anymore. Who knows. I shouldn't care, but I do. My voice is slowly coming back now. I will have a new kid starting tomorrow. His name is Tanner. More money, but now I'm over the limit. OH wELL, I don't think anyone will catch me, cause in January Sarah is leaving and then I'm back to normal again. Then I will get another one for days and get rid of Minda and I will have all of my evenings free, cause Quinn doesn't need me around. I will have to be cheaper for Cindy though, cause I will pay David for baby sitting and I can't charge her that much. I'm starting to feel a little lonely. I have all these guys in my life and I feel lonely..haha... that's a joke. I know what it is though... I don't want any of them. The ones I'm interested in aren't really interested in me.. like Billy. I guess such is life. I haven't heard from Tim yet either. Wonder if he has been back to town yet. I will do some baking today and maybe I can bring some up to Billy when he gets home if I get done with it today. I want to give all my male friends home-made stuff. I can't wait till Thursday when I'll be singing with Big Daddy Cade... Hotel California. Then this next weekend I can sing with Billy and maybe I can talk him into singing "It's your Love" with me... it would be cool. Well, off to baking now.

Frank showed up again today. I don't want to be rude, but I'm really sick of him. I don't want him to be here all the time. If it was Billy, or Tony, it would be a different story. I think I need to find me a boyfriend... I'm sick of dating... sick of the single scene and of guys I don't like running after me. If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't have to have an excuse for Frank to leave... I have a boyfriend and I can't have him around.. it's as easy as that!

December 7, 1999
Lately I've been pretty lonely and I guess somewhat down, but today I feel really good and upbeat again. I talked to Tim last night and maybe that's got something to do with it. I still like him a lot. Golly after 13 years it seems like I should be completely over him. I think I am over Paul now. I still like Billy though. I can't wait to have Tim hear me sing. I should be able to sing Thursday with Big Daddy Cade... I hope so anyway. I've tried to sing and it sounds ok.. not great, but ok. I like the idea of having the daycare only during the day. It's so nice to be done in the evening... free... I think I'm sick of dating. I want something permanent, but none of the guys I've been dating is anything to be permanent with. That's sad. I'm going to hear Jenny sing today and then I want to go to Benny's.. probably by myself. Toby called last night too and told me he had moved. He has no phone now, but he promised he's going to call me this weekend. I guess we'll see. I'm giving up on Tony. He keeps promising he's going to call and then he never does, so I just won't call him anymore. If I run into him then I guess I'll talk to him and if I don't then I don't... no big deal anyway. Donavin is driving me up the wall. Today he broke my lego thingy that cost me 30 bucks. Wish he would learn to be good.

I have my voice back. I went to Benny's for a song and I was able to sing faithfully. It's still a little hard, but I can do it. Chuck came in looking for me and gave me his phone number..hmmm.. I rally don't want him to think that he has a chance with me. Oh well, I guess it's ok. Gotta go to bed now.

December 12, 1999
Boy, I guess when I'm having a pretty normal day I don't write much. I have to make myself write unless I feel down. It's been busy around here. I've done a lot of baking and have handed some of this stuff out already. Actually I still have Chocolate Chip Cookies in the oven. Friday I went to the Green Door for Karaoke. I sang a lot and had fun, but I didn't really run into anybody. Dave came around midnight and tried to change my mind about him.. hahaha. He's not that good looking anyway. Last night I went to Glory Days for Karaoke with Jimmy and Dan showed up (I had called). Dan wasn't drinking so I made him my designated driver and drank some more. I was there at 8 pm and drank 6 JD's and Jimmy bought 2 Tequilla Rose. I ended up telling Jimmy that I've had a crush on Billy since day one and he told me to give him a good blowjob and he would be mine... yeah right, whatever. How in the world am I supposed to do that. Anyway, I went to Howies where Billy was playing and Dan was the driver of course. Jimmy quit Karaoke early and came with us. It was great. I actually talked to Billy into singing "It's your love" with me and I think he liked it. I asked Billy if he would give me a ride to Glory Days today to pick up my car and he said no problem. Then I asked them where they were going and Billy said Benny's. When I told Jimmy, he wanted to go there too. On the way off of the ramp, Jimmy took my hand and we walked along holding hands.. he said I was a good looking lady and had a lot of things going for me.. well, if he wasn't married... he's kinda cute, but I don't think I like the idea of the pot smoking. At least Billy doesn't do it as much. Tim doesn't do it no more at all. Anyway, we went to Benny's and then Jimmy disappeared. I did see Billy there but only said hi to him as we were leaving. Dan and I looked for Jimmy at the Helm and at John's, but couldn't find him, so we left. He drove me home. When Billy got home shortly afterward, I called him and asked him when he could drive me to get my car the next day and he said "call me". I asked him morning or afternoon and he said morning was better. I asked him when he would get up and he said again "call me". So I told him I didn't want to wake him, and he said "just wake me up.. call me". So at 11:30 am today I called him and he was still asleep (I was still in bed too). I told him to give me a call when he got up. At 2 pm I heard him up, so I called him again and he said he was going to drive Johnny home first and bring the PA back. I was hoping Glory Days would be open, cause I would've invited him for a beer, but it was closed. I have to go there and pay my tab yet. I'm waiting for him to come home now, but I think I will put his plate with baked goodies on his doorstep, or I will wait till tomorrow night. Then I would have to give it to him. Next weekend Tim should be in town. I'm looking forward to it. I already made him a plate to safe the cookies for him. I hope he likes the new me. It's a toss between Tim and Billy. With my luck, neither one of them likes me..lol. I don't know which one is better. I find Billy very sexy for some reason and I find Tim very funny and entertaining. Both have good qualities, both have bad qualities, but I think I could live with either one of their bad qualities. Oh well, I guess I just have to wait and see. I wish tomorrow was Sunday and not a kids day. I want to sleep.

December 16, 1999
I don't feel good today. Feel blue and icky. Tired. There is snow outside. I hate snow. Everything went on my nerves today. I just want to sleep and wake up and it's spring. I was even too lazy to take a shower today, cause I was going to go out, but ended up not in the mood. So I'm just going to bed early today. I forgot to go by Tammy's work and bring her her cookies too. Oh well. Billy hasn't picked up the phone lately... he must feel icky too. Hope Tim is coming home this weekend so I can cheer up some. Ate more than usual today.. maybe I'm getting depressed? I hope not.

December 18, 1999
I went to two places last night. First to Jimmy's show at the Crescent Inn and then to Tammy's show at the Crazy Horse. I talked to a guy I never paid much attention to. I think he's a very nice guy. I don't know how old he is (probably too young to go out with, but not too young to be friends with). He doesn't smoke pot (that's how I started talking to him cause Bill asked if he had rolling paper) and he doesn't seem to drink much either. He says he doesn't like the taste of beer either. Anyway, I enjoyed myself and had a really good time in both places. I even made up part of my song Drowning. My poem "I love you" got accepted for publication. I don't know why they picked that one (from my website), but I guess it's as good as the others. Maybe cause it's a positive one. I think I'm going to buy the book. Will see Thomas tonight at Maudie's. I'm going to ask him how old he is tonight.

December 21, 1999
Well, it's been a couple of days again. Thomas is 28 (yeah, older than I thought and old enough...lol). We had a good time at Maudie's and I got his e-mail address and have been writing him. He has written back as well. I will see him again Thursday in West Salem. I asked him if he wanted to ride together and I probably will get the answer tomorrow, cause I won't be on anymore tonight and besides, he won't either cause he got to get up early to go to work. Hmm, he seems to like me so maybe my wish for Christmas is coming true after all. I told Bill when he asked what my Christmas wish was that all I wanted was a REAL boyfriend, someone that's gonna stick with me, is good to me and doesn't do drugs and stuff. In other words, someone who is the way I want a guy to be in order to have a relationship. Thomas is getting divorced, has a 2 1/2 year old boy and a 1 year old daughter. Anyway, I guess I'll find out. I do think he's kinda cute and he seems like a really cool guy.. maybe I'm right. Maybe that'll get me over Billy, cause he's no good anyway.. he drinks way too much and he smokes dope... even if it's just occasionally.. and Tim... well, he has a gambling problem.. I need to fall in love again.. with someone worthy of love. The kids are leaving tomorrow and I think I'll be alright without them. Maybe it's not hitting me until they're gone, but now I can live with the thought of having them gone for a week.. heck it's only a week.

December 26, 1999
I'm in the dumps. Big time... I drove Tim home today and caused an accident. My car wasn't damaged at all, but if he would've hit me I would've been dead now. I had just a thought of why didn't he just hit me. No more pain. Then I cried. what purpose does life have anyhow? It's just so much pain all the time. Noone really cares about me... nobody but maybe the kids. Nowadays they seem to be happy at their Dad's. It still would break their hearts if I wasn't there anymore. But an accident would've been easy to explain... just gone. I'm lonely. Thomas hasn't answered me yet. Stupid Mike called last night again, but I made sure the phones were in the other room and so I didn't wake up to the ringing. There is definitely something wrong with someone who calls at 3 or 4 in the morning. I just want someone to love... to hold.. to be with.. to take the pain away. I guess the Zoloft isn't helping that much. I thought with having people come over and then Tim coming over, I was good to go, but it's not that anyway,...it's my fucking brain that fucks me up. Went shopping at Wal Mart and spent 60 bucks, but that didn't help. I try to tell myself how good life has been for me lately, but I can come up with a thousand reasons why life sucks.. I don't like this shit... I hate winter. I hate being alone. I hate not being able to have a band right now right here. I hate for the kids to be gone and having a good time. I hate being overweight.... I hate not having relatives here. I hate technology. I'm going to sing!

December 27, 1999
Well, well, feeling a lot better today. Woke up still a little down, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. Talked to Gina and Dawn for a little while and explained that I wasn't going to ever kill myself anyway. I need to be here for the kids. They thought I was suicidal... well, maybe in a sense I was, but not really. I think what was going on was that I was so "together" during that accident thing... that I just completely lost it later. Strange brain I have there. Oh well, shit happens. Just got done talking to Thomas. I'm pretty sure now that he likes me. Looks like he's going to come over tomorrow to do some Karaoke. I told him we oughta practice some duets sometime and he said it sounded good. I told him he was welcome anytime and then when we were getting done talking he was asking me when and I told him whenever so he said he'll call me tomorrow. Cool! He also stayed up till 10:15 pm talking to me when he has to be at work at 5:30 am...ouch! I told him he better get to bed, cause he said his bedtime was usually 9 pm. He's cool. It's a little belated Christmas present, but I think my wish will come true after all. I can't believe I never started talking to him. Oh well, maybe the time wasn't right yet. I'm sure it has a reason... can't wait till he calls. I'm worried for the first time in my life what someone will think about my being BP.. hmmm. I guess I don't have to tell him right away anyway. When he gets to know me and sees how well I do with it, then he won't care about it. I made a web page about it. He might find it if he starts clicking my links on my site... it explains pretty good that I'm high functioning and it hardly has an affect on me. Goodnight!

December 28, 1999
Thomas came over at close to 4 pm yesterday. I found out his last name. He was born on March 28, 1971, 5 1/2 years younger than me. He seems to like me and he has a record. I looked it up last night and he has a record for credit card fraud. He's on probation still till April... it happened in 96'. I'm going to ask him if he's ever been in trouble. I hope he's honest. I found out a lot about Crystal too (Donavin's Mom). She was in trouble quite a bit too and has been in jail for 6 months. I hope Thomas is honest and tells me what's going on, cause I don't think I could ever trust him otherwise. He seems like a nice enough guy, and I had a lot of fun last night.

December 29, 1999
YES! He told me...cool. Now he is higher in my book than before, cause he trusted me and I know I can trust him. That is so cool... he said I was the only one who knew besides his family and his ex... I guess that's another thing that shows that he likes me. I don't think I've ever met anyone like him. He's fun to be with, doesn't do all the bad stuff AND is honest. I talked to his sister for a second last night. He might drive with me to Madison to pick up the kids today, depending on when he gets done with work. That would be really cool. I'm going to ask him if he dances tomorrow... slow-dance..lol.. would get us closer. I would like to know how it feels to be in his arms. I bet it feels nice. We talked about his marriage too. He was with her for 6 years, then got married and separated after 6 month...ouch... he said he liked being married..made him feel complete.. I told him I felt whole when I married Doug... We have a lot in common... I'm still hoping that my Christmas wish is coming true after all.... it sure would be nice.... I deserve it...lol. If I can, I will quit smoking earlier... then he won't have to kiss an ashtray...lol. This is too cool. I have a good feeling about this.