February 3, 1998
This is a cool diary. I like it very much. I've gotten a lot of things today from ABC. It'll cost me $70, but it's worth every penny. I really think I'm supposed to try the Psychic line. I mean everything has its reason. I'm definitely going to try it. I have made lots of aol friends, now I've just got to make some real life friends. I'm doing really good. I haven't smoked in a long time now and it's not bad anymore when I see someone smoke. I'm doing a little better on the pop. I still have to work on that. I'll start exercising again when I'm done with the house.
February 4, 1998
Boy, I did a big time fowl up on the letters I sent yesterday. I hope Kate won't be too hard on me. It was the pressure of having to do it so quick. Something wrong about the TRT flyers as well. I can't see anything, so I hope that part isn't my fault. I really hope she won't let me go, cause then I'm in trouble money wise. I guess I'll see soon.
Of course she didn't fire me. She saw it with humor. I was Nancy yesterday. I'm sure I won't do that one again.
February 5, 1998
| I'm starting to be able to tell Dave as problems come up with the kids without getting mad. I think this may really help out in our relationship. I also told him yesterday to please leave me alone about things I eat. He says he understands. We're almost done with the house now. I think we can close to finish up this weekend. I'm hoping he'll buy me a ring for Valentine's. I actually wouldn't even mind anymore getting engaged. I really have a feeling now that everything will work out. I know that part of our problem was me being so moody and now that I'm out of the dump, that's getting better and we're getting better!
February 6, 1998
Wow, Dave got up at 3:30 am today saying he couldn't sleep. He took a shower and left before 4:30 am. The phone rang once around that time and I think I hung up on the person. I called *69 and it gave me Sandy's number. This morning since Dave wasn't back yet, I called Sandy, but he said he hadn't talked to him since the night before. So I guess the one ring didn't register on *69. I'm going to call Advanced at 8:00 am and see if he's there. I fell down the stairs yesterday and hurt myself pretty good on my butt. I could hardly sleep on my right side last night. We got a lot further with unpacking since Dave actually did something at the new place instead of the old. This morning I feel like throwing up.
February 7, 1998
Well, Dave's not just drinking Jack Daniels, but also Beer and Tiquilla. I see a dark future for him. He will have another DUI soon. I will not tell him I know anymore, but just play along. I know when he thinks I don't know it will get worse and I will end up alone. I have to set myself mentally and financially for when that break comes. So I'll have to plan ahead now. It's not bothering me so much anymore. I guess a lot of the love I have for him is disappearing due to loss of respect. He wonders why he can't sleep or why I won't do certain things. Think again. Who wants to do stuff to a drunk?
February 9, 1998
Last night I went to Sandy Station with Joe and I think we'll actually make ok friends. With Aaron it's harder, cause I know he still loves me. Probably cause I was his first. I don't know what to do about Dave. I should just copy the Alcoholics stuff out of my book and buy him a bottle of Jim Beam and see what he'll do. He'd probably drink it anyway.
February 10, 1998
Dave and I got into another argument last night. I came to the conclusion to cancel his account. I will not do his finances anymore. I also gave him a paper about alcoholism. He threw it in the corner. I told Red Dawn I needed a friend. He said he did too. He's a Libra too. I wish I could've gotten closer to Darrin before I got fired from that job. I really did like him. Aaron is still in love with me and I know he's hoping. I don't think we'll ever get back together though. I need to find a way to make more money!
February 12, 1998
Dave and I fought again last night and I told him that as of now, we're just living as friends, not a couple. I don't think he fully realizes what I'm talking about. He denies he has a problem. He says it's ok to drink a 5th and still drive cause he has a high tolerance level. I told him he hadn't learned anything from his Dad's accident and that I wasn't gonna wait for him to come home crippled . He got pretty upset on that one.
February 15, 1998
I completely forgot about my Mom's birthday this year. I feel like such an ass. Yesterday we went to Marie Calendars. Dave bought me a dozen roses and some oil lamp. We got back together, but don't know if it'll work.
February 17, 1998
I don't know if Dave drank yesterday, but he didn't drink anything Sunday after drinking 5 glasses of wine Saturday. I'm definitely keeping track and I told him that Saturday evening. He didn't understand that yes indeed it's up to me to decide if I want this relationship or not. I want to meet Mike. The more I talk to him on the net, the more I'd like to meet him.
February 18, 1998
Well, hard to say what Dave is drinking now. He's never home. Oh well, I'll find out soon enough. I'm going to City Slickers with Lorraine Sunday so I can meet Mike. I did a chart on him yesterday and he's the first guy ever that knew where it says we could be soul-mates. I still have to go for hypnosis to Dale. Working this Saturday. Am getting my hair done tomorrow.
February 19, 1998
Well, Dave smelled of alcohol last night when he got home. I think it's just a matter of time before it's over. I really would like to settle down with the right person, but I guess it's not supposed to be yet. Maybe when the kids are grown. I'm gonna go back to school this quarter. I'm getting my hair done today. I was at Sandy Station last night for a little while after TOPS. Noticed Nephi. He was dirty, but boy did he have a voice.
February 20, 1998
I love my hair. Don't know anymore if I really want a perm. I have to see. I want more rings for my fingers now and my nails done and of course losing weight. I will lose weight now, cause I discovered diet Sprite. I want a longer chain with a cross too (necklace) and if I wouldn't be so scared, I'd get another hole in my upper ear. I might end up meeting MBonner before I meet Mike. That's ok.
February 23, 1998
Well, I've finally met Mike (Cheaptrek). I went to City Slickers with Lorraine last night and he came in later. He is skinny and he needs to do something with his hair. I don't know what to think of him yet. He actually gave me a kiss (he said he would) as I was leaving. I didn't think he would. I made 2 new guy-friends who really liked my singing. I dedicated "Greatest Love of all" to them. I said bye when I left and they didn't want me to leave. I don't know how many of these guys want to get in my pants and how many just want friendship, but I hope there's a few who want to be friends.
February 24, 1998
I've got some more stuff from ABC. I love getting that stuff. I hope I'm gonna win some money at City Slickers this coming week. I'm going to register for classes this quarter too so I don't have to pay off my student loans. This will help me a lot. I need to file my Taxes today and get them out so I can pay the car off and then fix my transmission and oil leak. I also need to ask John to start paying me, or maybe I should just have him work on the car for the money. I have to think about that. I only have one, maybe two more days of painting left. I'm all set for my performances and I only have to learn my cards for the Tarot. I'm getting there.
February 25, 1998
I only worked 2 hours today because of the snow. I haven't talked to either Mike since Sunday. Can't wait till I go back to City Slickers to see my "Fan Club".
February 26, 1998
Dale (Foobie) called me last night. We exchanged addresses and I told him about the party. Lorraine and I talked for a while as well. I don't think I'd have any problem finding a date if I was single. My car's belt came lose (off) as I went home yesterday and Dave hasn't fixed it yet so I have his car.
March 1, 1998
I'm going to City Slickers today. Hope my fan-club is there. I went to the AOL party at Judo's yesterday and it was great fun. I really enjoyed myself. I met a whole bunch of new people. Can't wait till the next party. Dave's jaw about dropped open when he saw Des Babe.
March 2, 1998
I went to City Slickers last night and didn't get home until 2:30 am. I met a bunch of people whose names I can't remember except for Mike, Scooter and Julie. I've been invited to Karaoke at Brusky's. I know I won't go this week though. I think I oughta go to the Westerner again for a contest. Think I've gotten better. I wanna call Dale sometime this week.
March 3, 1998
I won 50 bucks at Charly's last night. I sat with Scooter and Vicky and at first everything was fine. Then she got all pissed because Scooter and I were talking so much. We got along great. She told me she didn't want him back and then she gets jealous from me talking to him? What a joke. Mikey is cute. Scooter and Mikey are both Aries (Mikey's on the 23rd ), Mikey's 28 and Scooter is 34. Dave was supposed to go home around 10 pm last night and didn't get home until 1:30 am. Mark that! He said he ran into a friend on the way home and went shooting pool. No call - nothing. And that after he said he had to go home to sleep!
March 18, 1998
Well, Dave has done this again about a week ago, only he said he was at the shop. But he didn't get home again 'till 1:30 am. Oh well. It's actually working a little better since I've decided to let go a little. He still drinks like a fish, but I won't let it bother me anymore. I see him more as a roommate now I guess. I still yearn for a good love. Someone who accepts me as I am - fat - goody goody and all. I just wrote to Paul again. It's been a long time. Not that I'm hoping anything will result, but just to see how he's been doing. Tim on the other hand… I wish I had enough guts to call him. There was magic, when we first met and I've never experienced this since!
March 19, 1998
Dave isn't home yet (11:30pm) and he hasn't been at the shop since 10:00 pm (that's when I called). It's pissing me off. I mean does he want to try to keep us together or is he trying to break off? I wish he'd tell me if he wanted to be free. It would make life a lot easier than having to wonder.
March 25, 1998
I am so sick of Dave. He thinks he's God and is flawless. He hacks on Jenny all the time and when you're trying to point out his flaws, he gets mad. Just like he wants everybody to say thanks when he does something like cooking dinner. I have to get my bills paid off so I can get out of this situation.
March 30, 1998
I found Tim Millis! He got my letter even though he moved. I've talked to a friend of his today on the net and I might get to talk to him tomorrow night. He said that Tim didn't change much. He says he does drink a lot though and he was in Dessert Storm and ended up with bad headaches. I can't wait to talk to him. Memories are flooding me. The moment he walked into the door for the first time… memories. I've never met anyone like him.
April 2, 1998
I talked to Tim Tuesday. I still can't believe I actually got a hold of him. He seems to be the same old Tim. He was flirting with me big time and he's going to come visit the end of May. Boy do I have weight to lose. I do not want him to see me like this. I'm hoping to lose at least 15 lbs. The connection is still there. It's a great feeling. We've talked a little over an hour. We'll be talking on the internet Saturday. I can't wait to see him. I will tell Dave that it's over once and for all after the trip to Moab. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone. I think I might move between June and September. I'm pretty sure I'll move to WI. I don't know anyone in TN, but now I know Tim in WI. I listened to my instinct and see what I got. Good! Now I have to learn to do it all the time.
April 4, 1998
I'm walking my ass off - literally. I've walked about 2 miles doing flyers today and I did 3 miles at the track. I better have a big loss this week cause I'm doing more and more. Two more hours until I meet Tim on aol. I can't wait. The kids think Dave knows that something is going on, just think he doesn't care. I mean I haven't had a piece of ass in 2 1/2 months, he's not there when we need him (a Jeep part was more important than us being locked out of the house). I mean that's ridiculous. It seems like everyone who knows me, understands my wanting to go to WI and noone seems to think I've gone crazy.
April 6, 1998
I'm concerned to have new beginnings in problems and troubles and that old problems only end to make way for new ones. I need to release the negative mental attitude. New events. The conflict is major changes in finances. There is an unexpected trip. Success in money matters. Good health. Better times are ahead. Friendship is important. Don't waste time on trivial pursuits. Faith and trust in life. I'm setting new goals for the future. There are new opportunities in career and relationships. I have the desire to know the truth. I need to be optimistic and have the courage to follow new pathways. I need to maintain balance in all endeavors. I will have new beginnings in work, new thinking in business, new opportunities, and new social contact. Beginning a new job. Excitement due to new interests. I had the desire to create a new business and make a new relationship. I sought inner guidance for future plans. Ideas will bring success and happiness. Growth! Student card. Positive messages regarding money and health. Look for someone with dark skin and hair. Big boned, large head, sharp nose. Usually stocky, may not be tall. there will be rest from strife. I will have faith to overcome mental struggles. I need to retreat , rest and recover and seek help from within. Overindulgences must be halted. Health needs must be recognized now. I have an unhealthy mental attitude. There will be loss of friends. Watch for rash behavior. Changes may not be positive now. Desires cloud good sense in relations. Open to new thought. Planning a trip. Approval from others. Material gain. I hope/fear to make choices between vice and virtue. I fear accepting responsibility for all of my actions. I hope to be in harmony with others. I hope to be aware of subconscious habit patterns repeating themselves. Make plans for a trip. Within weeks there is a man, reddish complexion, light to medium hair color, long or blunt nose, forehead slopes slightly and body leans forward. He is a good friend and loyal. He enjoys starting new enterprises but does not usually stay for the finish. He is socially active and likes to entertain. Past actions: There was no victory over problems and troubles. The situation was stagnate. There was jealousy over others success. Unhappy relationship that seemed permanent. No faith and trust in self. My illusion is that there will be legal complications due to anger and hostility and that uncompromising attitudes surround me. To outdo a female, sturdy body, small boned, high forehead, large ears, thin lips, sharp nose, light or medium brown hair. She is a spendthrift and lazy has superficial friends, lack self-confidence and is judgmental. She feels imperfect, can be cold and oversexed. Lack of money. To make intelligent choices in love relations, have happy emotional affairs. The temptation is to live in the past. A friend or lover from the past. Desire for a new love and marriage. My past emotional concerns were money related. I wanted to make money and be good in what I did. Have my creative talents bring financial rewards.
April 10, 1998
Well, it's over! I'm FREE!! I told Dave I wanted out and he was civil. I also told him I'm moving to WI in July. I know I want to be living alone with my kids for a while. I'm also thinking about having Foster kids again. John now agrees with me that Dave is a selfish egotistical asshole. He's seen Dave's ignorance, but of course he's to chicken to say anything. Somebody should. But oh well, I don't have to worry about anything anymore. I'll be out of here before you know it. NEWSTART! I don't know if Tim and I will actually be together, but at least I have a friend there. Jeff was saying that Tim smokes pot with Jeanean. If he still does it, I won't date him anyway. We're in Moab by the way.
April 13, 1998
Everything is cool now between Dave and I. I told him that I will miss his good side and he said the same about me. It's gonna be hard not to have anyone there to come home to, but what the hell. I have to do this and I will find someone new. Mike doesn't want me to leave. We've got a date for Saturday night. He's gonna call me Thursday at 3 pm. Dave is going to dinner with me Friday at Slickers. Moab was fun, but jeeping is not for me!
April 16, 1998
I've got the job at Sinclair. I'm starting tomorrow. Therefore, Dave and I will go to dinner at Slickers today instead. Mike is supposed to call me in a hour. I was sick today (still am) so I stayed home. I haven't heard from Tim in over a week. I have a feeling him and his ex-girlfriend are back together again, but that doesn't mean he can't keep in touch. I hope I hear from him (or at least Jeff) soon. It's hard with Dave. Now that we don't fight I find it hard not to see all the good in him that I'm going to lose. But I know we won't make it. It's sad!
April 19, 1998
I talked to Tim yesterday. He said he's not going with Jeanean, but he's living with her again.. Either way it doesn't matter. I started working at Sinclair Friday and I like it. John T acted like he's falling for me yesterday. He's a very good friend and I like him a lot and he looks hot, but I would never go out with him. I met his Mom yesterday too (Lucy) and she's sweet as well. I'm not listening to electricity anymore, especially when they do stuff that I know I won't be able to live with. Like Tim smoking pot. I'm going to Slickers after work tonight. I figure I'll get enough sleep even if I don't get to bed until midnight. I do have to get up early enough to run and take a shower, but I do want to go sing at least one song.
April 23, 1998
Omnitrition seems to work. Even though I drank a lot of soda and only ran 1 mile this week, I lost 1 ¼ lbs. I also can feel it in my pants. At Sinclair they're already making me Assistant Manager. It's only 25 cents more, but hey, I like the title. 25 cents the hour is $120 more for the time I'm still here. John T called me yesterday. He's so cute. If he wouldn't drink so much, I'd probably be falling for him real quick. He told me that his Mom (Lucy) really likes me. He's saving me a seat tonight. I hope Tammy is there. I'll get her jealous. I'll ask John to dance, hug him and stuff just to piss her off. She's … I don't have a name for what she is. I'm getting my Naturalization papers today.
April 24, 1998
I have to call Gerhard tonight. It's his birthday. Dave was an asshole this morning. He got up late (right before I got up) and took a shower. So I couldn't take one. Last night JT actually saved me a seat. Joyce sat with him (I don't like her) too. I ran into Dexter Whipple (my old boss). He got my # and said he wanted to take me to lunch sometime. I drove JT home and he gave me a kiss on the hand again. He's so cute. We talked about his Epilepsy on the way home. They took his license because of it. It's gotta be hard not being able to drive even though you really didn't do anything wrong. Dexter said I should make a record.:-)
April 26, 1998
I went to Slickers after work last night and CariLyn, Tami and John were there. Tami and CariLyn both asked me to sit with them, but John was sitting at the next table and since I had called him earlier and asked him to reserve a seat, I sat beside him. Later we moved over to the other table. After the band quit we all were supposed to go to my house, but it only ended up being John and Marc. We had fun though. We didn't go to sleep until 6 am. Just sat talking all the time. John gave me a kiss goodnight. I'm really gonna miss him a lot when I leave. He's so sweet. I really wouldn't mind going out with him for the 3 months I'm still here. I'm looking forward to seeing him again tonight (I'm going to Karaoke).
April 27, 1998
Went to Slickers last night and sat beside John again. CaryLyn was there too. Today CaryLyn called and said John and her got into a huge fight and she doesn't ever want to see him again. I told her that I hoped she doesn't expect me to stop being his friend and she doesn't, but she said she hoped that I wouldn't get involved with him. Heck, so what if I do, I leave in 3 months. I don't think we would get to the Sex - stage in that time anyway. We're both too shy for that. Anymore I think I'm getting to the point where I don't care about a deep relationship. Just getting closeness and friendship is enough. It seems like "just friends" works better anyway.
April 28, 1998
John called me last night and I went to the 3 Alarm for Karaoke after work. He told me his side of the story and he didn't call CariLyn any names, but she did punch him and she's the one who started it by putting his friend down. Oh well. She's been a bitch to me before too. He practically told me now that he likes me and he gave me two kisses when I brought him home. I figured out that I need him as my friend for the next little while, cause I don't have any good friends left. They're all superficial.
May 3, 1998
Well, I'm almost done saving for my move. Jazz is winning against Houston. Tim P. is coming to the 3 Alarm to hear me sing Monday. I'm going to Slickers tonight. I hope John is there.
May 9, 1998
I've been getting to know Kelli more and more. I think I'll end up closer to her than to Tim, but that's ok. I'm talking to Tim P. almost daily now through e-mail. It's kinda cool. I kinda know about John now. He forgets stuff and Kate told me that that's from his Brain Surgery, so I can't really be mad at him. I've decided not to go with him to Wendover, because I think he forgot that he asked. I can't wait to move. First of all Dave is getting worse and worse and second, Weezer is starting to piss on everything again.
May 10, 1998
It's Mothersday today and it was cool. I got a card from the kids and each made me something in school. I haven't heard from Tim M. for about 2 weeks now. I didn't even try calling him today. I'm not gonna waste my time trying to make him my friend if he's not interested. After all, there's Kelli. I know Kelli and I are going to be close. We get along great and she's putting just as much into this friendship as I do. I really like her a lot even though we've never met. I can't wait to move.
May 17, 1998
I have another friend in La Crosse now. His name is Jamie and he just turned 33, so he's my age. He doesn't smoke and hardly ever drinks. Perfect friend to have. I don't think I'll ever quit unless they outlaw smoking all together. I haven't heard from Tim in forever and anymore I really don't care. I have Kelli and Jamie and that's enough. Two good friends is all I need. I'll go from there.
May 24, 1998
Jamie seems to be getting more to me than I intended. It's a little weird and also a little scary. I mean I don't even really know him yet and still I can't wait till we talk, I don't want to go to bed, I feel a jump in my heart every time he signs on, or he's on when I sign on. I feel like I've known him for a long time. We have more in common than anyone I've ever met, all the way down to the chemical imbalance. Only his is much worse than mine. He's on meds and he's been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Jamie is going to come to UT on July 18th to help me move. I will stay at his place for the first few days I guess! It'll help me financially tremendously and besides, I think it'll be cool spending that much time with him. I will really get to know him in those couple of weeks. I still don't really want a boyfriend right now, cause I want to have the chance of being friends before romance gets involved. But if we get along as well in person as we do on the computer, and on the phone, who knows if I'm strong enough to resist for very long. And maybe I'd be a fool to even want to resist. We talked on the phone Friday for 2 hours (he called) and Saturday twice for each 2 hours and I called those two times. I love talking to him. I still haven't heard from Tim. I was going to call him Saturday, but the answering machine came on. I didn't even try today. I made a La Crosse, WI room on AOL yesterday and everyone liked it. They're gonna throw me a party when I get there. Cool! (I can't wait).
May 28, 1998
I'm moving Dave completely out of the bedroom today. He pissed me off badly. Jamie send me I-phone and when we were laughing, Dave came in and bitched. Yeah, he wakes me up every morning, yet he says he's so quiet. Fuck him! When the kids are gone he can stay downstairs, bathroom included! I can't quit thinking about Jamie. I don't think it'll take us long after he gets here to actually be boyfriend & girlfriend. Oh well, huh? I'm gonna do the Tarot about him now.
June 7, 1998
Jamie and I are boyfriend and girlfriend. It's not as crazy as it sounds. Anettes view was this "If you meet someone, you usually fall in love with the eye. We fell in love with our minds, meaning it's more likely to last. We've actually already decided to move in with each other. I think we'll end up together for good.. I can' t believe this is coming out of my mouth. I didn't even want another boyfriend. Oh well, it just feels like Jamie is the one for me.
June 12, 1998
Jamie's on his way here now. He will arrive in Salt Lake City tomorrow morning at 6:50 am. His ex-girlfriend IM'ed me last night and told me all kinds of stuff, some which I already knew and some which I didn't and don't believe neither. Looking back to Lorraine, it does put a red flag up though and it also dampens my happiness a little. I don't want this to be false love once again. I've been hurt so many times and it feels like I've already invested a lot of emotions in Jamie. I really don't care about the past if he can be truthful and I won't get stupid surprises. We're so close emotionally, we have all the potential in the world - if that's his intention. It was hard not being able to talk to Jamie about this, but it also gave me time to rethink our relationship and I trust Jamie..still! I don't care what Dawn told me except that I will be careful to look for signs and I will talk to him. I still believe we belong together and that this can work out.
August 23, 1998
I've been in La Crosse for 2 months now and I love it. Jamie and I are very close and I love him dearly. There's only one thing that bothers me. It makes me sad that he had promised Jenny her room would be done by the time she got here and it's still not even half-way done. I'm going to talk to him tonight. I hope he won't get mad.
September 24, 1998
Boy, time flies. It's already a month later again. Jamie and I are still getting along super. I hope I can sell my car soon, cause I really do want to decrease my debt. I'm tired of giving all the money I earn to interest and being stuck with payments. I've already started reducing my debt by paying my car off when my Mom sent me the money. Now I just have to sell it to get that money back. I could pay JPF and RC Willey off if I'd get $3000 out of it! Spiegel could be paid off the very next month. Then GE just a couple of month later. That could leave me with about $5000 in credit card debt and 20.000 in Student loans (if that). and I could pay the 5000 off thru Student loans by summer too. I just found out that I've got carpal tunnel. That's one reason my hand hurt so bad. I've gained 30 pounds in the past 6 months. Now I've got to lose it again. I started my daycare and am slowly digging myself out of the hole.
November 7, 1998
Well, I guess here I go again. I'm not breaking up with Jamie, but the more I'm with him, the more I think I don't want to get married to him. He HAS to be right about everything or he gets mad. Earlier today I was talking , paused to catch my breath when he started in on me (talking) just as I started again. He got ticked off because I wanted to finish what I started!! It's like he doesn't even listen. Then tonight we were talking about the snow. He said "It's coming down now". I looked out and he told me I had to look in the light. So I said "When you can see the snow coming down without looking in the light, that's when it's really coming down!" He said "The snow here must be finer than in UT" so I said "Yeah whatever" So he slammed the door shut. What an idiot. It never snows in WI… just like it's against the law to leave the county without your kids, or the rain-gutters are incredibly expensive. I'm sick of his self-fabricated wisdom. He broke something in the relationship tonight.
December 10, 1998
Things are going pretty good except for that my Pseudo-tumor is back. I just went to see a Neurologist today. I keep hearing the "lose weight". Well, I have a plan and I'm not letting go of it. I've stopped drinking soda and I'll never start again. Instead of switching to a high calorie drink, I am now drinking Lemonade with only 5 calories per drink and tea with only 2 calories per cup. That alone should make me lose weight. Now I'm concentrating on my smoking. I give myself to the end of January to quit. Then I need to wait till February to make sure I've got that licked and then I worry about losing more weight.