March 8, 1997
Well, Dave called this morning. He said he wanted to take a nap, but when he woke up it was 2 am. I wrote a letter to him last night. I'm still gonna give it to him. I'm going to the Fairpark with him in just a few. Hopefully he'll watch that movie on USA with me tonight. It's about a kid that's been kidnapped and doesn't want to go back home.
March 9, 1997
Well, Dave is still here. He's sleeping on my Futon. We watched "Singles" and we both fell asleep...me in his arms. I felt like staying out there with him, but I guess that wouldn't have been appropriate. In time it'll happen. I can wait. He's one hell of a guy. I can talk to him so easily. I'm still scared of getting hurt, but hey, you gotta take risks in life. I think it's all gonna be good with him.
March 9, 1997
Dave and I went to the Fairgrounds today (we took Lorraine) to a big sale, but it was a let down. I drove Dave home this morning about 10:30 or so. He came back this evening and we watched the end of singles and Star Trek. He just left. I love laying in his arms. He feels so comfortable. I'm gonna get in touch with a Wiccan group. I really have a feeling that Wiccan is for me. I hope I see Dave tomorrow. Last night I talked to him about my 3 month no sex rule. It's important to me, cause I really think sex too early can destroy a relationship. It's been 3 month for me. He said it's been a year for him. I have a feeling Lorraine is getting to be my best friend.
March 10, 1997
I guess there is one red flag. He told me he would call me when he got home so I could get over there, pick up my money and spent a little time. That was at 7 pm and he said in about 2 hours. Well, he's still not home. He told me yesterday that he's always a few minutes late, but that he calls when he's more than 15-20 minutes late. Well.. anyway, it's something to watch.
He was at home sleeping, but neither I nor his sister could wake him up. Paula said he does that quite frequently. He oughta give her a key. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but I guess I can wait. Today I realized how much I do like him in such a short period and that I need to be careful. He could already hurt me if he was to break up with me (or whatever you wanna call it, since he's not officially my boyfriend yet). I need to keep my head over my heart. At least for a little while longer. He's sweet and all, but heck, I don't wanna get hurt again. I've had enough pain. It's my turn for happiness. As long as he's holding back though, I know I have to as well, because nothing is for certain until he lets go and breaks down his walls. It's not a very thick wall, this much I can tell, but it is there. All I can say is that I've already grown fond of him and I don't want to lose him. There's one more thing I have to watch for though: How much does he really drink (beer). I hope there's a future for the two of us together. I guess I won't introduce him to any of my other friends anymore, cause that seemed to have a negative impact on him. I also won't write anything else that suggests further moves. The ball is in his hands and I'll move as slow as he plays, cause he's worth the wait and I don't want to scare him away. Of course I won't wait indefinitely. If we're still where we are now in 3 months from now, I have to rethink the situation. I'm willing to move slow, but I'm not willing to be stuck.
March 11, 1997
Dave called me this morning and told me that he was not home last night. He said he was trying to get more witnesses on the accident he had, cause he couldn't afford an attorney for them to try to get restitution from him. He also told me he left the scene of the accident and ended up in jail for 6 weeks. The other guy had a blood alcohol level of 2 or something like that. If all this is true, I don't think Dave has to worry about anything, cause it would be a no-fault accident. He said he left the scene because of his accident when he was 9, something like Post-traumatic stuff. Anyway, I'm glad he was honest, it shows character, he could've let me believe that he was asleep at home. However, I told him to put himself in my shoes and told him I would understand if he'd call me and say "I can't talk right now, but I'm not gonna show. I'll explain later." I don't like to wait around for nothing. It's not fair. Well, I think I will talk to him about this again and tell him that I will not sit at home waiting for him, that I'll wait 1/2 hour and then do whatever I want to do. But I'll also let him know that even then it's not acceptable and I'm making note of it. He needs to put himself in my shoes.
March 12, 1997
I went over to Dave's tonight and he ended up kissing me (Paula had asked how come we hadn't kissed yet). I told him how comfy and natural everything with him feels. He got way turned on and I ended up the same. I don't think the 3 months will happen. However, I do want to ask him tomorrow if he considers us boy & girlfriend. If not, I'll wait. It'll be hard, but I will anyway. I told him I was scared of it, cause then I would really hurt if he was to shove me aside. He said he feels the same way. I feel so right with him, like we're meant to be. I have never been so hot for another guy. I think I'll be seeing Stars and hear bells the first time we make love.
March 13, 1997
Dave and I talked about boy & girlfriend relationships and what it means. I asked him if I can refer to him as my boyfriend and yes I can. We solely see each other. He's so cool. He's a great lover as well as a great friend. I really believe I found my man. Wow!
March 15, 1997
I need to catch up here. Thursday night I went to DJ's. Dave came later as well. Angie and Solu voiced their opinion of Dave's looks rather loudly (wow). Alica said she thought he was nice. Friday I went for my performance of PWP which didn't turn out the way I would've liked, but it did open the door for the future paid performances. Dave showed up later. Debbie met him too now. Dave spent the night. Tonight I'm going to spent the night at his house. It was nice to go to sleep and wake up beside him. We spent pretty much all day together. I really could get used to this real fast. It's cool!
March 16, 1997
Dave told me this morning that it blew his mind making love to me. Well, he blows mine as well. I'm starting to believe I'm falling in love. I mean real comforting feelings. Warmth, confidence, strength. I feel like I really want him in my life for good. Everything just fits so perfectly with us. Maybe we are soulmates. We're going to the swapmeet later. Yesterday I pointed out that I wasn't wearing any make-up and he told me I was beautiful.
I'm gonna miss falling asleep in Dave's arms tonight. It felt so good these last two days. We went to the swapmeet earlier and I bought $20.- worth of books. Now I've got one about Numerology. Cool. Hope I'll see Dave tomorrow. I found out today that Dave's Blood type is AB, the best fitting one for me.
March 19, 1997
Boy I've been busy. I've been messing around with my Numerology book. pretty accurate. Today I did my "Spring" cleaning. Last night Dave and I fell asleep watching TV. I woke up at 12:30 am and woke him up and he left. He's gonna spend the night tonight. we're gonna go to Rocky's for a little while. I have a little buzz. God it's so nice to have him here and being in his arms. I wish it was like that from now on for the rest of my life. I saw Joe today at work. I was tempted to talk to him, telling him that I'm not mad anymore and that he's forgiven. Thanking him, cause I would've never met Dave if things would've turned out differently. I made Nicole my partner at work today!
March 21, 1997
Dave slept here again last night. He has my house key now. I trust him completely. I'm not afraid anymore. My wall is down completely and I do love him. I actually act with him like I act with Nicole, goofy and stuff. He's not only a lover, he is my friend. He's cool! Yesterday I realized how much I like Lorraine. Joe told me (he came up at work) that Carl was still married. It crushed me to think of her having to go through the pain again. I wish she could find a guy that fits to her like Dave fits to me. My car is broke again. Dave came to the rescue. When I'm around Alexis, I get real Baby-hungry. It would be nice to have another Baby.
March 23, 1997
Dave just went home We practically spent the last 4 days together. I'm gonna miss sleeping next to him. I'm so used to him already, it's amazing. It seems like I have been working my way up to a love that's made for me - my soulmate, like my dreams indicated. Every time I've been with someone, it was better than before, but still not quite right. With Dave - it just blows my mind. I feel like I've found my destiny, my one who was meant to be mine all along. I'm gonna write a letter to him today but I won't give it to him, it will be a present for a much later time. I just did Numerology on myself with the last name Dahlberg and came with something cool. If I were to be married to Dave my Karma would have ended and I would be well rounded. Cool! He's gotta be my soulmate!
April 1, 1997
Boy, it's been a long time. In the meantime school has started and I'm studying again. Dave and I have been changing back and forth. One night he sleeps here, one night I sleep there. We're not apart very often anymore. I like it that way. I'm thinking about letting him read my diary, but I've decided I want him to tell me that he loves me first. I can tell that he's starting to love me, he just has to voice it now. He gave me his house and car keys yesterday. I guess he trusts me as well. He asked me last night to try to make him my best friend. I don't have to try, it's coming naturally. I tell him pretty much everything and I love being with him. I trust him completely and we talk about everything. Pretty much what makes up a best friend. I'm gonna quit smoking. I know I can now, cause I have a reason - Dave. It makes it less scary and more exciting. We went to Moab this weekend and it was great. I've took a lot of pictures. We went rock-climbing and watched the Jeeps. It was so cool! Sunday I met his mother and Jim (his Stepdad). I like his Mom a lot. I like his whole family. He pulled a bad April fools on me last night shortly after we went to bed. It made me realize just how much I really care for him. I couldn't stand losing him anymore. He's everything I've been looking for. Fate couldn't be that cruel and take him away from me. I almost cried when he pulled that on me. He said that he went to the doctor and found out he had a malignant brain tumor. I was pretty upset. I love him a lot. I don't think he realizes just how much he means to me already.
April 8, 1997
It's been a while. Everything is going great with Dave. Last night we've said something about having been in prison a long time ago, but didn't want to share the details (tell me why). I felt like he didn't trust me enough to share them and he said it was just not worth talking about, cause it didn't have anything to do with now or the future. I feel a couple should share everything with each other, past included. Maybe not right away, but eventually. If he wanted to know anything about my life, I would share it with him. I may not volunteer certain things, but I have nothing to hide and I trust him enough to share anything with him. Anyway, I told him not to mention something if he doesn't want to talk about it, that way I won't "push" him to tell me more. He finally told me why, but he still couldn't see my point of view. I can understand his, but I'm not willing to give up mine. Just because sometimes the past can come back to haunt you (like John's when we became Foster parents). I just think it's important to know someone's history in a close relationship. But then again, maybe he doesn't feel as close to me as I like to think. He thought I gave him "the cold shoulder" when I was laying there trying to sort out my feelings, and figure out where to go from there. The Cleaning biz sucks. I'm hoping to hear from the Union before June, so I can find a way to pay June's expenses without tapping into the Student Loan and having to wait with paying Sears off. I'm keeping my car. Dave is gonna help me fix it up real nice. With the pay I'm gonna get from the Union, I shouldn't have any probs paying it off in the next 6 months. My aunt Traudel is coming to UT today. Dave and I are going to pick her up tonight. She probably wants to stay at the Reston, cause it's close to Jacky's doctor. She's gonna have a boob-job. I'm on a plateau. I won't lose any more weight. I need to do something. I want to lose at least 30 more lbs by the end of the year. I can't wait: A cute face, a great voice, a great mind and then I'll have a sexy body too. To top it off, I'll have a great boyfriend, terrific kids and a great job. What more could I want? Well, my health should take care by itself once I lose a few more pounds, and a house can be realized from the job. I still would like to get my Psychology Degree, even if I never use it, just to prove to the German's that I've got it in me and that I'm not garbage like they think I am! Just because I strive for happiness they call me a dreamer. Well, you have to dream to achieve. It's a proven fact. So they can all kiss my hind end.
April 10, 1997
Dave and I talked last night. I think it helped us both draw a little closer. Yes, sometimes I'm also torn between wanting to be with him and wanting to be alone, but the part that wants him always wins. Perhaps it's because I have made him my best friend and I don't need the extra time alone, because I have time during the day to do what I want. Yet, I have a hard time keeping up with my school work. But at the end I always manage somehow. Analytically, from the time we have met to now, we have been way faster than the average. We've gotten so close so fast, but it doesn't scare me anymore. I know it still scares him though. But the time will come when he feels just as comfortable with me as I feel with him. I know he loves me, he just can't let the wall down yet, but I can feel his love every day. There are no limits for us once he lets go. I know we can experience love in a way only few people ever achieve once he's ready. I am ready. Perhabs because I can see already what's lying ahead of us. I'm glad I have this inside. I told him again that he is worth the wait and boy can I wait when I know what's ahead. From what he talked about yesterday, I have the feeling his Dad may has committed suicide. I almost wonder if he feels guilty for his dying, but I do know that he has a hard time with his fathers death. Sometimes I wonder if it's his father who gives me insight on him and on us. It's coming from somewhere. I have had the feeling that there is someone else besides grandma and my guides who are talking to me. I think I'm gonna take Monday "off" from Dave and do Debbies Tarots and maybe Lorraines as well. Then I just have to do Nicole's. I also need to catch up some more with school. I'm still behind in two classes. Tipster seems to really start liking me and I'm growing rather fond of his cats. Tipster seems to be able to read my mind. He's very smart. Joe was at Rocky's last night and it seems like he's getting Lorraine to break down again. I felt uncomfortable him being there. Not because I still care, but because he doesn't belong. I know I will never be able to be friends with him. Yesterday was the first time I actually picked up something evil about him. It's like he's got a bad spirit hanging around him. I still like my aunt a lot. I haven't seen her in 8 years, but I feel like we connected again right away and they liked my voice. I have to make aunt Trudy a tape of my singing. Since she loves to gossip, she can gossip all the good stuff now. I don't think she's seen anything bad. Tonight I'm going to Dave's shop to get my car fixed. I do want to go to DJ's for one or two songs so I won't slip any further behind in the contest.
April 13, 1997
David threw a fit this evening. At first him and Jenny were getting in on it. Then I told both of them that I wasn't going to wash their clothes they wanted to wear tomorrow (new stuff). He got so mad and he kicked the wall several times until he kicked a hole in the wall. This time he will not only pay for getting it fixed, but he won't have any privileges until he gets his act together. I can't take his anger anymore. Something has to give. He's not gonna end up like his father abusing his kids and wife.
April 17, 1997
Dave and I are spending the night apart today. I just got home from DJ's. It feels so weird, cause neither Dave nor Max were there and now I'm here - alone. I miss Dave. It feels wrong not to have him by my side. I love him. He's so right! I feel it stronger and stronger every day. I think he would like to see my diary, but I can't show it to him - not yet. He's not ready for some of my revelations. I can't wait to see him again. He should be divorced by the end of May.
Together we will grow
Together with the flow
Together hand in hand
Together we will stand
April 18, 1997
Dave and I took the cats to my house today. They're already settling down.
April 26, 1997
Won't write much today. Only that Dave is a Sweetheart and we went to the Comedy Club and had a ball last night. The cats were here again last night. I wrote Dave's Mom Janean a letter today.
April 30, 1997
Boy, I'm writing less and less in here. But I guess it's because I'm happy and have nothing going wrong right now. Nothing that gets me down anyhow. Dave is the perfect guy for me. Everything is going so smoothly with him. Money wise everything is working as well. I bought some real earrings and a real gold ring with my birthstone and some diamond splinters. Opal (my birthstone) is an emotional balancer, enhances intuition and helps conscious connection with the highest aspects of beings. Even though my business isn't doing well, my Temp work is helping me from being poor again and it has a Tax advantage. Now that I'm not selling my car, my financial goal for this year is to pay everything off besides the car and Student Loans. and to combine all the Student Loans if I can. I do want to move out of this house in October, so I'll need a little bit of a Down and I want to get another $25,- bond for Jenny. I also want to finish my car by the end of May. The outside is done, now I can concentrate on the inside. Then all I have to do is save money and pay Sears off. Cool! Maybe I don't want a full time flagging job. Working one day a week in my business and doing 3 days of flagging a week will give me plenty of money. Besides that I want to do one performance a month, maybe two. Once I quit smoking (as of tomorrow I can't smoke in any enclosed area anymore), I will concentrate on losing more weight. I do want to fit in a size 14 comfortably (12 tight) by the end of the year. When I move into a house, it has to be at least a 3 bedroom and it has to be in a decent neighborhood. I also want pets. But I don't think I will get another dog. I think I want a baby cat. Unless Dave and I would move together, which by October I think I wouldn't mind. Then I would have Weezer and Tippster - his 2 cats. They're so cute! I think I'm gonna buy my mother either a ring or a charm for Mothers day.
May 1, 1997
Quitting smoking is getting serious as of today. I'm not allowed to smoke in any enclosed area. I'm gonna put it down in here.
May 2, 1997
Dave showed a side of himself yesterday I do not like! Yeah, it's ok to look at other girls, but when it gets to be staring, it's embarrassing. Then he tells me he would like for me to look like that. It was Lee and Slimedog's girlfriend Anorexic Sluts. I told him if he wanted someone like that I'm the wrong girl for him. It's really buggin me, cause I hate the thought of him never being satisfied with the way I look and he won't be, even if I do lose weight, cause I'll never be that skinny. Then he said he just wanted a girl who's in shape. Fuck Mr. I'm in just as good a shape as you are... you probably couldn't keep up running with me. The replay of last night still gets me angry and it makes me not wanting to spent time with him. Yes, I want to lose weight, but I don't want to have to, just because my boyfriend wants to change me. It pisses me off. I think I'll write him a letter.
Red Flag: He does drink too much at times and he seems to want to change me!
PS: I won the $300,- (1st prize) in the Karaoke Contest last night. I do think Dave is jealous about Aaron, but he doesn't want to admit it. He doesn't have to worry about another guy, but he's gonna have to watch what he's doing. I don't want another unhealthy relationship. I want the real thing. He doesn't know yet what he's got. I'm not one to settle for unhealthy anymore. Today was the first time I cried because of Dave. I don't even know if I feel like seeing him tonight.
May 6, 1997
I went flagging today. Tomorrow too. I got a great tan! Dave is fixing Paula's water heater and will be over later. I've changed so much since I've met him. I'm getting more confident in every area of my life. I don't have a hard time talking to strangers anymore. I can talk to anyone easily. I'm also more confident in the romantic department. Except for a few exceptions, I have been not smoking inside anywhere. Next week I'm going to only allow one cigarette a hour with none before 8 am or after 11 pm. I'm gonna space them more and more. I want to start up in a Gym again. I haven't been losing any more weight, even though I'm not drinking all the sugar anymore. Mainly water. I just haven't been active enough. I did some Jane Fonda yesterday and plan to do it again Thursday before school. I'm really happy with Dave. I think the changing stuff had to do with him drinking. He seems to sincerely care for me. I would love to have a future with him.
May 8, 1997
I've been thinking. Dave's been talking about all this stuff he's gonna do with his money he's getting from his sister for his part of the Duplex. He told me he would like to open a business, preferably with me. He also sounds like he seems to think (he hasn't really said it, but I have a feeling), that we'll be moving together in October and then we've been talking about moving out of State. Well, I will not move to Idaho and I will not move anywhere, where it's worse than here in regards to the cold weather and crime. I'm sorry, but I have kids to think about (crime) and I already dislike winter here in Salt Lake City. I wish he would be able to see how pretty Tennessee is. I think he would like it just as much as I do. Anyhow, I don't know if I'm willing to move in with him already in October. It really scares me (just the thought of it). I think we will have some difficulties in that area. I have a set mind about where and how I want to live, because of the kids and he can't even say "I love you" yet, but he wants to do all that with me. He asked me about Aaron and I told him how close of friends we were before we started doing anything. Yeah, Dave and I are getting close, but we don't talk near as much as Aaron and I did. Then again, Aaron and I took a while before we got that close too and Dave and I only know each other for the past 2 1/2 months. It'll probably come to the point where I'm closer to Dave than I've been with anyone ever. I also think of my relationship with Todd every now and again. We were close too. I liked the way I knew he felt about me. I knew he liked my body and I knew he loved me a lot. He never tried to change me. He was very happy with whom I was. I want Dave to be that attracted to me. But I think I will never achieve this with Dave, cause his ideals seem to be too extreme. I think he will always have wandering eyes, wishing I would look different. This thought makes me sad. I have to wait and see if I can live with that. I have no idea, cause I never had to face this sort of thing. All the guys I've ever been with, except for Doug and maybe Ralf, were totally attracted to me. Maybe not as much as Todd, but never the less. I guess what it boils down to, we both still have to find out a lot of things about each other before we can be sure we will work out.
May 12, 1997
Today I'm gonna start doing Aerobics twice a week again. I should be losing weight quickly that way. I'm ok with the smoking. I don't smoke anywhere in an enclosed area and before 9 am and after 11 pm. Starting Thursday it'll be before 9 am and after 10 pm and I can't smoke on my balcony or sitting in the car anymore. I should have no problem quitting by the time Dave quits his chew. I think Dave didn't like it too much when I dropped him off last night so he could watch his show and Aaron and I went to pick up Brandon from IHC. I tried to hurry back as quick as possible. I don't want to get him upset. He means too much to me. I just hope he understands that I'm not in any way attracted to Aaron anymore. Matter of fact, I couldn't imagine being with anyone but Dave. He's also closer to me than Aaron is now. Yes, I had real close friendship with Aaron and I miss that, but it has been lost over a year ago and I'm trying to build that kind of a friendship with Dave. I love him so much. Just wish he could say "I love you" by now. However, I can wait. He had a chance of doing something at Lagoon yesterday, but he didn't. I think he wasn't sure if I would've.
May 20, 1997
Lots has happened. I was in an accident Saturday evening. I ended up with Whiplash. Some old guy didn't pay attention, ran into a Geo and pushed the Geo into Dave's car. the car only has minor damage and Dave's Whiplash doesn't really seem bad. When we got hit, I kind of sat sideways. I ended up being all dizzy right after, but not feeling any pain. My pulse was at a 120 and that was 15 minutes after it had happened. Now I have pain in my neck, shoulders, left arm and my right side of my back. I don't know if I end up suing. I guess it depends on how much my medical will come to. My loss of employment pay will be automatically reimbursed and medical is paid up to $3000,- so if I stay in that limit, I don't have to worry about it. I'm at home today and Dave is at his house. I did it that way. I'm starting ITT Tech on June 16th to learn Electronics. I will have my Associates in 2 years. I'm excited. By December I will know how to repair VCR's, TV's etc. Cool!
May 22, 1997
Something fishy is going on. I hope it's not drugs. Anything else but. I couldn't take another guy with problems with drugs. Dave's been acting weird in the last couple of weeks. He says it's because so much shit is going on. I talked to Paula yesterday. She was telling me about the neighbors and how she is worried about Dave, cause of drugs (shooting something up). He doesn't really act like he's on drugs, but then again, I don't know nothing about shooting up. I need to get some information and I need to pay attention. The last part of my Tarots told me I will feel betrayed. I hope it's not another woman (which right now that's even absurd to think about) or some kind of drug. It would kill me. I don't want to lose him!