1996

baby

January 1, 1996
Joeís Dad had a heart attack Saturday so I was alone asleep at midnight, but Joe stopped over at 1:30 am (I had to talk him into it) and left at 3:30 am. I wish he'd stayed for the night, but it was great anyway. I hope he'll stop by this afternoon. He didn't want to come back over saying I needed my sleep. I told him not to worry about me that I can take care of myself. I actually got a little mad. I told him if he didn't want to, that was fine, but not to use me as an excuse. I'm making him a heart-pillow for Valentines.

January 2, 1996
Boy I'm tired. I got home and went to sleep right away around 1:30 am. The kids woke me up laughing at 6:15 am so I went back to sleep and didn't get up until 7:02 am. The kids helped me to get ready and I still got to work in plenty of time. Training went ok last night at Denny's. Joe came over around 6:00 pm and ate dinner with us. He stayed till I had to leave. I love him so much. He's such a great guy. I think that he's very handsome, but he doesn't think he is. He thinks I just say that, which I never just say something and don't mean it. I just like his looks. He's cute and I think we fit together. I pray that we'll stay together. I told my Mom that I had a new boyfriend and she started giving me tips on how to be. That's stupid, cause I'm not going to change myself and be someone I'm not to keep Joe and I don't think he would like that in the first place. I want him to like me the way I am and I hope he does. I sure know that I like him the way he is. No one has ever treated me this good.

January 3, 1996
I got a booking yesterday. I'm gonna sing at Elderly Manor on the 9th. I got business cards printed yesterday. I'm gonna get a bunch of jobs like that and then I'm gonna quit Denny's. I like Denny's but the singing I like a heck of a lot better. Joe and I only talked over the phone yesterday, cause I went to bed when I got home - before Denny's. Joe told me today that he might not be able to spend the night Saturday, cause then his kids would know he wasn't home that night. That got me a little upset. I want to meet his boys. It bugs me bad. It feels like he doesn't trust me and I feel that I might be in for a big disappointment. Maybe he's just playing with me and that's why he doesnít introduce me to anyone. I'm going to talk to him about that tonight. Actually, I wrote him a letter about it, cause I don't know if I could explain it to him good enough for him to understand and not get mad.

January 4, 1996
Boy, Joe has a way to reassure someone. He said if the boys keep saying they donít want to meet, heís gonna make them. But heís gonna try to talk to them. At the Sandy Station last night, Joe sang ďI swearĒ and he sang it to me. I ended up getting up and singing with him to him. I like to think that the Psychic was right and Joe and I are going to last. I love him so deeply. Heís the best man Iíve ever known. Heís got it all the way around. Heís drug-free, has no trouble with the law, gets along great with the kids, has a good secure job, likes music and singing and most of all, I love him and he shows me that he loves me. Heck, he even puts up with my insecurities. I couldnít find a better man. My Aids Test and the other tests came back negative, so Iím totally healthy. Good!

January 5, 1995
Well, I didn't win yesterday, but I'm getting pretty good. I need a better applause. I'm probably gonna be on Channel 30 anyway. I'm gonna win a contest soon. After the Westerner we went to my house and I found out Rita had called. I hate when Joe has to leave. I can't wait till tomorrow when he spends the night. I probably won't see him today, cause I have to work. He said he might stop by at Denny's. We'll see I guess. Half enough is gonna end up being my winning song for some contest.

January 6, 1996
Boy was I exhausted after work. I ended up getting 3 tables to myself. I had fun though. Only the side-work sucked. I didn't get out of there until 4:15 am. Joe came around 1:00 am and sat at one of my tables. He stayed till about 2:30 am and he left $5,- . He told me later he was going to leave a 20 (I'm glad he didn't), but he didn't have enough money to. Without Joe's 5, I made 12 bucks between 11:30 and 3:00 am. That's not bad. Especially since I only had two tables for a long time and Joe occupied one of them. I don't think I can do this for very long, but I'm gonna try as long as I can. I do need the money bad.

January 7, 1996
It was wonderful waking up in Joeís presence. I could get used to that. Star Search was ok, but unfair. I had pretty good ratings (7 & 8ís) on half enough. Net was there too. She shouldíve won, but only made runner up. This girl came in right when they got ready to judge, hugged the announcer and one of the judges took her text (hidden behind a tapecase) up with her and won. Net was not able to see her score. That was bologna. Joe and I went to Dennyís afterward, then came home and watched the video. I hope I get at least runner up next time.

January 9, 1996
The contest yesterday was stupid. The audience picked the song I had ďthe devil went down to GeorgiaĒ. I shouldíve been in the finals, but I wasnít. I applied at Discover Card today. I have to wait 7 - 10 days to see if I get an interview. I donítí really know if I want the job, cause I still like it at KUC.

January 10, 1996
The performance went well yesterday. Joe was at my house at 4:30 pm. Iím probably gonna be asked to come back. I have two more performances in February and one in March. Plus my contest tomorrow and one on a Saturday for Star Search.

January 12, 1996
The mike went off yesterday in the middle of my song, but I wouldnít have won anyway, cause this one girl was really good. Joe came around 9:10 pm. I already got nervous. After the contest we went to my house and he stored part of his computer in my closet. We stayed at my house from about 11:45 PM TO 1:30 AM. He thought he could get away with keeping his clothes on. Hahaha! I get my way most of the time! Discover card called. I got an appointment.

January 13, 1996
They send me home at 10:00 pm yesterday at Denny's. I'd only served one table with a 2 buck tip. I was hoping Joe would come over, but he was starting to move. I was pretty sad about him not coming to the house. I want to talk to him about spontaneity. I'd like for him to be a little inventive every now and again, like surprise me and such. They're still calling me from dateline. Wow!

January 14, 1996
Well, here I am, almost through my 2nd divorce. Some people may look at this as failure and sometimes it's hard not to think that way. But I like to think that everything has a reason and that everything is a learning experience. Btu I also know that this last marriage taught me that I need to wait before I get married again or even move in with someone. As much as I like Joe and think that we might be the two meant to be, I need to prove to myself that I can take care of myself and I need to make sure we're gonna stick together before I make any moves. He's slower anyhow, which is a good thing, cause I won't end up in a situation I don't want to be in. I never want to get divorced again. I KNOW I have a soul mate and I can only hope that I found him already, but who knows. Only time will tell. I like to think that I reached my destination. I want to be able to be happy with someone whom I will grow with and be with for good. I would still learn, but it wouldn't be a hurtful learning experience, like all the other relationships have been.

Back in November, when I was still working graveyard at KUC, I had a vision while I was doing my rounds. My "little" grandma came to me and told me to "pay attention". I was trying to make her tell me to what, but I kept getting the same thing "pay attention!"... All night I had felt creepy. Just of a sudden, I SAW my "big" grandma, who was still alive at that time. She was telling me "Goodbye Monische." I told a lot of people what had happened. It scared me and I was shook up. I cried. Two days later, I got a phone call from Germany saying my "big" grandma had died on a blood-clot in her lung. I almost went hysterical. After that I laid out Tarot cards and asked for spiritual guidance. Big mistake! I thought I was going insane. I heard all of these voices and all of them talking at the same time. The next day I talked to a Psychic, prayed for protection from the white light. I guess I'm a little psychic. I'm not so scared about it anymore, but I still don't trust my intuition completely. But I do know there's more to life then we know and I know my grandma can still communicate with me if the need arises.

David: He's gonna be smarter than I've ever been and he's gonna make something out of himself. I can feel it. He's got the power, the intelligence, the strive. He's my pride. I don't think he's gonna give me any major trouble in his Teenage years. He understands a lot other kids his age would never understand. He's got a chemical imbalance like I do and I hope he can learn to control it before it gets out of hand. He's gonna be a heartbreaker with his looks, but he's too nice to break them on purpose.

I found out that I'm in the top 5 % of the USA with my IQ. In other words, "I'm smart!" Now I understand why I always thought people were so stupid. It's not that they're stupid, I'm just smarter.

I believe hat no religion is completely true or false. I also feel there are a lot of things falsely interpreted from the bible.

I would like to go back to school. Who knows maybe one day I will. I love to learn new things. I love knowing.

Jenny: She's 8 now and she's a mighty pretty girl. I pray that we can be the way I always wanted to be with my daughter. I have a feeling though that she will be trouble when she's a Teenager. I just hope she stays away from drugs. And I hope I can keep her from making the same mistakes that I made. Jenny seems to have a low self-esteem and I wish I had more time to be with her. Maybe letting her sing at my performances will boost her ego some. Some of her problems probably stem from me, but I know that Shauna has done a lot of damage concerning Jenny's self-esteem. I love my daughter very much and I hope she will always know that I do. I also hope that she will do more with her life than I did.

My Soul-mate: I won't get married again until I'm for certain that he's my soul-mate. He's gonna have to meet certain standards. Be about my height or taller, looks pretty good, be about my age, walk a straight line, get along with my kids and want another child, is willing to take the traditional male role, so I can take the traditional female role. He's gotta like music, animals and water, is punctual, faithful, reliable, can compromise, doesn't keep secrets (is honest) and he has to be romantic, gentle and love me close to the way I love. He should be proud of me and not be afraid to show his feelings and emotions. He should be interested in what I do and support me in it. He has to be fairly intelligent and be my one and only. Oh and it would be nice if he'd be spontaneous.

Joe: I don't know a whole lot about him yet, but this is what I do know: He was born May 15th 1962, is about 5'4" to 5'5", has long brown curly hair, has a beard and a mustache and is cute. He has a black cowboy hat on most of the time. He has two Teenage boys (John and Steven), has been divorced since 90' and I'm his first girlfriend since. He's very kind and gentle, and is a gentleman who holds doors open and pays for everything when we go out. He gets upset when I try to pay. He's got the cutest smile and I love his blue eyes (bluer with the contacts). He's very considerate and we have lots of fun together. He loves his children very much and he's good with kids. He likes to water-ski and fish, goes hunting and likes to dance and sing. I hope he turns out to be the one for me.

My life in 10 years: I would like to be remarried to my soul-mate, and have my little daughter Cassandra Fay. I would like to be a housewife and maybe make a little money by performing somewhere with my singing. I would like to live close to the city, but in a house that has some land with it so I can have a couple of horses and a few other animals. I would like to own a Boa again. My house should be nice, with nice furniture and my own room where I can sing and retreat. I want to be the perfect mother for my 3rd child. I would like to have a weight-room in my house, have a boat to go water-skiing with and my Honda Goldwing I've been dreaming about for so long. I'd like to be a non-smoker and maybe have a decree in something. I'm going to be a US citizen. I want to be close to my kids and my husband's family and I want to have friends I can rely on. I want to be slim and in good health. I won't need a whole lot of money, as long as I can meet the bills and live comfortable. I want to be loved and give love in return.

January 15, 1996
I came home and went to bed yesterday after work. Joe came over a little after 8:00 pm and we went to the Sandy Station. I was moody at first. Probably a mixture of things. First I got my period, I was tired and last: Joe's ex seems to be ruling his life. He's so worried about her following us. Gosh, let her. I'll deal with it. She's already driving me up the wall. Why does he let her do this? It's so stupid. Anyway, he's gonna spent the night tonight. I'd like to meet her and make an end to this. David stepped in a nail. I left work not worrying if I was gonna get in trouble. He's ok though.

January 16, 1996
Joe spent the night last night. It was nice to sleep in his arms. I wish he'd stay more often. Hopefully with time he will. He told me I oughta go with him to his Poker club sometime and at first I kind of got scared cause I don't like meeting so many people at once, but anymore, I think I would go to meet some of his friends.

January 17, 1996
I laid out my Tarot last night. Joe didn't come over, so I had all the time in the world. Bryan (a guy from dateline) called and he wants me to teach him the Tarot. I might one of these days. I don't even think I told him that I have a boyfriend yet. He might not want anything to do with me once he knows. Most guys don't like being friends without possibility of getting more. Well, Val and I still talk. Val even asked me about Joe. I oughta make those two meet.

January 18, 1996
I don't know why, but I'm getting doubts again - getting scared about Joe. My Tarot said I'm creating problems mentally and I guess that's what I'm doing. I just hope I'll get over my insecurities and I hope I don't drive Joe away with them. I just wonder sometimes if he's just playing with me. I pray that he isn't cause I do love him a lot already.

January 19, 1996
I did Joe's Tarot and he seemed surprised. I guess most everything was correct. It said that he's scared of being betrayed and cheated. Well, I am too. He took my doubts away again a little. It's just that I'm scared. He stayed till 11 pm last night. On the phone he asked me if something was wrong. I told him not really, that I just wanted to see him longer. He picked up on it right away though. It's more than a lot of guys would do. The cards said that he's got potential for marriage and I did too. I didn't tell him that part though. I'm scared of it and I imagine he is too. So I left that part out.

January 20, 1996
Last night, David, Jenny and I went out to eat at DJ's - a smoking restaurant around the corner from where we live. I also went to Wal Mart and got the rest of the stuff I need for Joe's Valentines present. Then I sat and watched lifetime and worked on the present. At 10 pm I went to bed. My interview went good. I have no doubts about being hired. I have to go back Tuesday for another interview. I need to get "The heart is a lonely hunter" from Reba McEntire. I can sing it.

January 21, 1996
Brandon called yesterday. I guess Aaron has been watching me, cause he knows I have a boyfriend and that Joe drives a truck. If I ever catch him, Iím going to the police for stalking. First Joeís ex-wife, now my ex-boyfriend. Thatís a bunch of bologna. Brandon wants me to give him a Tarot reading today. Weíll see. I canít wait to see Joe. I miss him. I hope heíll spend the night. Iím so in love!
Later: Iím mad. Joe is not going to be at my house until 7:30 or 8 pm. And that after he told me he was gonna spend all Sunday with me and when I said I had to work he said after work. And all this because his kids want to stay till 7 pm at his house. If they want to be with him, they should accept the fact that he has a girlfriend. Iím getting real tired of this. I donít like broken promises either. Now if heís gonna say something about the snow tonight Iím gonna get really upset. This relationship is gonna go nowhere if he keeps that up. Heís overdoing his protection and I believe itís mistrust on his part, not the kids.

January 22, 1996
Well, well, forget about what I said yesterday. Joe gave me his address and told me I could come over anytime I wanted to. Thatís a step in the right direction. He spent the night and it felt so good to lay next to him. Boy, he falls asleep so fast. He was gone within a minute. He used to be worried about his snoring. I had to laugh last night when he started snoring. It sounded so funny. But it doesnít bother me and I fell asleep pretty fast also. I did my Tarot again last night and they came out not too good on my part. I need to quit distrusting.

January 23, 1996
I picked up Brandon and Dawn yesterday and did a reading for Brandon. Joe came over around 8 pm or a little earlier. I can't recall ever discussing things as intimate as with Joe. Somehow I feel so relaxed with him, like I never have before. We have the same sexual fantasy - making love at the beach, or in the mountains. He has a Union meeting tonight and tomorrow, but he's gonna spend the night tomorrow and call in sick Thursday and spend all day with me. That will be so cool.

January 24, 1996
Well, I'm not sure if I'm hired or not, but I think I am. I'll know within 7 days though, I went to bed at 9:30 pm last night. I felt so tired. Joe called me around 6 pm and then again after I already gone to bed. I had a message from him on my answering machine this morning. He's so sweet. I can't wait 'til tonight. I have to think of a few questions for our game. I love him so much!

January 25,1996
Joe didn't spend the night cause of the snow. Dawn and Brandon came over.

January 26, 1996
Last night Joe spent the night. We did a lot of talking and a lot of loving. It was wonderful to have him near. My car's belt broke today and John came and fixed it. John is getting to be really nice. The Beauty College messed my hair up. It's not blonde, it's brown.

January 27, 1996
Last night I had myself a quiet night. I was all alone and I stayed up till 11:30 pm. It felt good for a change. I cleaned the house, watched Dr. Laura on 20/20, talked to Tim on the phone, talked to Joe a couple times on the phone, sang my new songs and read my new books. Tonight I'm planning on going to the Contest after all and when I get home I'm gonna relax with my book.

January 28, 1996
Well, I didn't go to the Incredible Universe Store for the contest after all, 'cause John was talking big snowstorm hitting SLC around that time with 12 inches. It never happened. I'm still glad that I stayed home though, cause I was able to watch a 4 hour movie I wouldn't want to have missed. It's called "Voices within the lives of Truddi Chase" and I read the book. It's about this woman who has 52 Personalities. It was a good show. I can't wait till tonight and see Joe again. I want to ask him one question "Where do you want this relationship to go? What do you want out of it, if you could have it your way?"

January 29, 1996
Joe and I went to Sandy Station last night. Gosh, I'm so in love. He told me his "dark" past and I'm thankful he did. It shows me that he does trust me. I want him to know that he can tell me anything. I will not judge him for his past! He's really gonna read Dr. Laura's book and he seems to want to do the Romance 101 with me too! This is too cool. Finally someone who's willing to work with me on a relationship.

January 30,1996
Last night was fun. Joe was getting ready to leave my place when I "seduced" him and he stayed some time longer. I love being with him. I told Joe that he needs to answer my questions about our relationship cause the "deadline" was yesterday. When I said that I wouldn't see him until he was done, he got a little upset. I told him that if I'd ever have something that was important enough to me, I'd follow through.

January 31,1996
I didn't get the job at Discover Card. Joe and I went to Country Christie's last night, but only for a short time. We went driving and tried finding the spot from last year where I found all those deer, but I couldn't find the spot. We did spot one deer though. I won't see Joe tonight

February 1, 1996
Last night Joe had a Union meeting, so I didn't get to see him. I went shopping and have enough food in the house for 2 or 3 weeks. I watched "Who is Julia" after I got home and then started to clean house and get rid of all the unnecessary stuff. I'm gonna continue today with the kids' room. Joe and I are gonna go to Sandy's Station tonight.
A dream: Some girl was in labor. My Mom helped (in a room in the house) deliver while I was getting stuff. When I came back in the room, the baby was lying on the floor covered in white slime, screaming.

February 2, 1996
Joe was sick last night so he didn't come over. He's gonna stay Saturday and Sunday night though. I guess I'll be spending all day Saturday with him. I guess I'll take him to Day Murray Music. I got finished with David and Jenny's room last night. Tonight I'm gonna work on the hall-closet, the laundry room and the kitchen. Then comes the Dining room, the storage and last but not least the living room. After I'm done with all that I'm gonna do my car.

February 3, 1996
Last night I sat down and watched a movie.

February 4, 1996
Joe spent the night last night. It was heavenly. I love him so much. We went to this poker club at his house though and I'm never gonna go again. A bunch of them smoked weed. I left the room every time and so did Joe. I made it well known that I didn't like it.

February 5, 1996 Joe spent the night again and didn't have to leave until 10:45 am. He finally gave me the answers of my 2 questions. What does our relationship mean to you and where do you want it to go? I liked his answers.

February 6, 1996
Joe came over again for a little while last night. My front tooth is fixed. It looks cool.

February 7, 1996
I think the performance was a success. I'll probably be asked back. I watched a movie last night and worked on my mothersday gift. Joe didn't come over.

February 8, 1996
Yesterdays performance was great and they seemed to like me too. I found out I'm gonna get $3400 back in taxes. I'm gonna get a brand-new computer, printer and computerdesk, pay off the RC Willey, my Visacard and John Paras Furniture. This is gonna be so cool. Joe came over at 8 pm and we watched Die Hard 3 with Bruce Willis. It was great. Joe and I still get along great. He's super!

February 9, 1996
Joe and I met at the Westerner last night. I did pretty good, even Country Joe said so. I ended up leaving early though, cause my Asthma started acting up. My lungs were hurting and I didn't feel good at all. I felt dizzy and had like an anxious feeling in my chest for no reason. Also was a little moody for no reason. My lungs still hurt a little, but I hope I didn't screw up Joe's night. I danced a few dances with him. I hope this relationship will never end. Joe is so cool and I love him so much. I think what got me moody was that no one showed up again.

February 10, 1996
Joe came over for dinner last night. He was gonna go Computer shopping with me, but didn't have any more time. I did go myself however. Today I'd like to go to the Computer Warehouse. I can't wait till I get one. I went to 49th street Galleria with David last night. I was batting 15 times. I like doing that. I wish I could see Joe tonight. I hope he'll spend the night again soon.

February 11, 1996
Yesterdays performance was a hit. everyone got up and danced. I was asked for my autograph and picture and there was an interest for a tape. I'm gonna make another tape and sell it for $2,- each. I also need pictures where I can sign my name on as an autograph. I remembered most everyone. I don't think anyone remembered me at first. A few remembered the girl on the motorcycle. Blind Debbie did. It was really cool though. I loved yesterday's performance. I went to RC Willey to look for a computer and I believe RC Willey is where I'm gonna buy. I need to ask about a scanner, so I can do photographs. Joe called and paged while I was gone. I forgot to tell him about my performance. I'm gonna see him tonight. I saw Brandon last night on my way home. I guess Aaron sold his car (the old one) for $400. Outrageous. I started my period today.

February 12, 1996
Joe spent the night last night. I wish he could sleep over 4 or 5 nights a week. We went to Sandy Station and stayed till finish, since I'm off today. Joe had to go to work today. He's gonna be pretty tired, cause we didn't get to sleep until after 2 am. I love Joe so much. We talked about infatuation and love and we both think we're past the infatuation stage.

Joe came over for dinner last night, but had to leave at 7 pm cause he had a Union meeting. He's got another one today and Thursday. He's gonna spent the night tomorrow for Valentines Day. Joe told me his kids said it was OK to go to the 49th Street Galleria on my Saturday off and meet me. Finally!

February 14, 1996
The performance was ok. I watched a movie last night. I can't wait till tonight to give Joe his Valentine. I want tonight to be special too.

February 15, 1996
Joe gave me a dozen roses for Valentines and after the performance we went to DJ's to eat. Joe spent the night. It was nice having him next to me I went to the refinery to pick up my check and Joe's gonna deposit it.

February 16. 1996
Joe couldn't see me last night cause he had another Union meeting. My lung is hurting again today.

February 17, 1996
Joe picked up his kids last night. I'm gonna see him today. My lungs are worse today than yesterday. I might not go to work tomorrow and go to Insta Care instead. Insta Care is cheaper than the doctor anyhow. Can't wait to see Joe. He's the sweetest and most considered guy I ever met.

February 18, 1996
Well, I didn't win yesterday, but I got damn good scores. Joe spent the night and I went to Insta Care instead of work. I got something with the Chest wall. I'm home till Wednesday.

February 19, 1996
Joe spent the night again. I love having him here. I can't wait till one day we'll be together every night.

February 20, 1996
I did some recording yesterday. Now I miss Joe cause I had him for 2 full days. I've been thinking about the baby issue. I don't really know for sure that I want another baby and go through all the trouble it takes to get pregnant, having to stop school and all. On the other hand, I would love to raise another child - the way I wanted to raise David and Jenny, but was unable to. I don't want to adopt a baby, cause I don't think I would be a good enough Mom. It doesn't have anything to do with love, it's the fact that the 9 month pregnancy prepares you to be a Mom. Adoption doesn't and maybe I'm too old for a child. I guess time will tell. I mean it's not going to be forever until I'm a grandma and then I can hold a baby again too. I guess i'm iffy on the subject. I would have to wait until I'm married and talk this over with my husband.

February 21, 1996
We (Joe and I) went computer shopping last night and I should have one Friday. I'd also like to have a VCR. I was exposed to Sulfuric Acidic fumes and fumes of Silvercrystals at the Goldroom. They still haven't given me a respirator. Yesterdays performance was great. I sang tape 2 and got great response.

February 22, 1996
Joe is on call now and I couldn't see him last night. I went to TOPS (I gained) and then to Sandy Station. For a while I was the only on there. It was fun, cause I sang a lot of new songs.

February 23, 1996
Yesterdays performance was great. I met Joe for lunch at Mc Donalds. Didn't see him last night though. I bought a computer desk and a piece of wall unit for my books and stuff. It was a pain in the neck putting it up, but I did it. All by myself. Brandon showed up for a few minutes.

I don't know why I didn't write in my diary all the rest of the year, but I found out Joe was cheating on me with a 18 year old and he got her pregnant. He was also still going back and forth to his ex-wife who wasn't really his ex-wife. They were still married and even still living together at the time we met and that he was divorced 5 years was a lie. I ended up making friends with his ex Lorraine.