January 1, 1995
It wasn't really as nice yesterday as it was on Christmas. I had my house pretty full again, but John got drunk and didn't go to sleep until a few minutes ago (it's 5:15 am). Aaron, Dale, Eric, Alex and Andrew were there too. John kept wanting to kiss me and slobbered all over me and he kept saying "my wife" instead of Monika. Aaron and Eric thought it was funny, but not me. I tried all night to get out of his way. I can't wait till he goes trucking, then this won't happen again. Finally, I talked to Kari again, but only on the phone. We said we needed to get together sometime soon after John leaves. Then I talked to Lesa on the phone and the way it looks, Bob and her are going to get separated. Lesa said "I love you" right before she hung up and I told her the same. I really like Lesa. Aaron, Alex, Andrew, Eric, Jenny and David went to town with me, where we watched the fireworks. It was a lot of fun. Afterward we picked Joe up from his girlfriend and drove him and Alex home. Afterward, Aaron and I watched the movie "Puppet Master 5". I like being with Aaron. I worry about Brandon. He moved out from home and nobody knows where he went. Wow! Now it is already 1995. My New-year wish is that I quit smoking by the end of the year, that I go back to church and that I lose 10 kg by the end of the year.
January 4, 1995
I know I had a dream, but I was too tired to get up and write it down and now I can't remember what it was. Willy snapped out of his mood after the caseworker told him she wasn't going to recommend dropping the assault charges. John came home and started yelling at Jenny over dinner. She was getting the butter out of the fridge with greasy hands and again over not understanding what he was talking about when he asked her how she's going to spread it. Finances are not very good at the moment, but I'm sure it'll work out. John is not going trucking until March 3rd now. I really like Travis (Claimjumper). There's something about him - I think we might end up being friends. I can talk to Aaron about almost anything. I like having friends like him. Today the stupid snake killed and ate Splinter, who got loose. David will be devastated. I already feel really sad. He was so cute and cuddly. I can't imagine how David is going to feel since Splinter was his. Stupid snake! Later: David took it alright with Splinter. He named the other one that looked like him Splinter Jr.
January 5, 1995
John is making fun of me about learning to improve my psychic skills. I'll show him! Last night I had several things happen and I believe I'm learning. I knew Aaron was going to show up 5 minutes before he actually did, even though it wasn't for sure that he was coming over. Then I knew Brandon was calling, even though he never does. I think I was working my last day at NAC last night. I'm really gonna miss it. Sam is going to try to talk them into letting me work two days a week or being on call. Aaron just called (I knew it was him). He might be stopping by later.
January 7, 1995
I keep having this song go through my mind. It just popped up all of a sudden while I was in the kitchen with Aaron. It's a country song and it goes "We're meant to be together, no doubt about it!" Aaron called me yesterday around 8 pm wanting to go on a skunk hunt, so we did and it was fun. Afterward we went to Conoco and I was talking to Travis for a while. He's going to be on the CB. Maybe I can talk him into going on a skunk hunt with us tonight, cause he's not working. Yesterday I went to work at Treasure Mountain in Park City as a Housekeeper. It was a little boring, but fun. I ended up bringing a bunch of stuff home. Monday I'm doing Data Entry for some Insurance Company. Willy's bike was stolen last night. He went with us on the skunk hunt last night. I got to meet Aaron's Mom Penny and I like her. After the skunk hunt, Aaron, Brandon, Joe and I watched some movies at the house. I went to sleep on the couch and kind of hugged Aaron's leg.
January 9, 1995
Yesterday's mantra helped me quite a bit. I didn't realize it at first, but I was depressed and my word suggested my being vibrant. Once I realized it, I actually got into a good mood. We went on a skunk hunt again. Before I got really upset, there were Aaron, Joe and Andrew in Aaronís car, Dale in his truck, and Brandon and I in my car. At first Dale made me mad by saying he was in the parking lot of a business and he was at a church. I drove past twice cause I felt it's not a business. Then Aaron and Andrew got me mad, cause they weren't playing fair. Then I told Brandon I had enough and I was going home. He wanted to go with. On the way we stopped at Conoco and told the clerk to call Travis. As we picked Travis up, Aaron started talking and I guess he ended up jealous. Then we saw Penny and Tommy Tate heading to my house. Penny talked us into going back to the Eastside. Aaron sped by us almost hitting Tommy. We ended up having another skunk hunt in the Kearns area. Brandon went with Aaron and Travis went with me. We had a really good hiding place and it took them forever to find us. Travis is boring. He doesn't say much. I don't really like him that much, but I'll give him a chance to open up, cause I did have a good feeling about him at first. Plus, it feels good to have someone jealous over another guy.
January 10, 1995
I think Aaron really was jealous about Travis, because he put him down big time and he said they all were upset about him being with me. That they thought he was doing something to me. I really, really wish that Aaron would be older and I was single, cause I know we would be more than friends. Brandon told me today that he likes me, but he was really embarrassed about telling me and he got out of the car before he told me, then closed the door really quick and left.
January 11, 1995
I can't figure out those stupid bills. Everything seems fine in the statement, but something did go wrong somewhere. Penny threw Aaron and Brandon out of the house today. I guess they'll stay with me for the time being. John wanted me to go to bed with him earlier so "I could get some sleep". I don't know what he wants. I can't sleep anyway and he won't try anything and I've got my period anyway, so what's the point? I'm very very happy. Today I found out that I'm getting 3 more kids. 2 girls (5 + 6) and a Babyboy (15 month). We went and bought all the stuff we need for a baby. I'm so thrilled. Maybe my Mantra meant to think with speed, cause that's what I had to do. They will be here Friday at 3 pm.
January 14, 1995
Well, I'm almost ready for the three. I still have to pickup a few things. Today I did Aarons laundry. Boy, he sure doesn't have much. Maybe I'll buy him some clothes for his birthday. Brandon is staying at Marions. At least for tonight. Aaron is spending the night at Andrew's. Tomorrow I won't see him either, cause of work. Too bad. I sure like him a lot and I really don't feel the age difference anymore. Age doesn't really matter anyway. He colored his hair again today and it came out really dark. he doesn't like it. I don't really care what color his hair is, he's still handsome. I hope he's staying at the house for a long time. I really like his being here and I miss him when he's gone. He always makes me laugh. I miss driving around with him though. Just him and I talking. We've got to do this again sometime soon. John made everyone miserable at the table again today, by pushing Jenny around. He is so mean to her. He yelled at me today too. Oh well, what the hell, it'll get better when he goes trucking. I know now that Travis really likes me. Well, I guess I knew from the beginning. He keeps on wanting me to come to Conoco and he always stands really close to me.
January 14, 1995
I haven't seen Aaron since Thursday afternoon, but it seems like ages. I actually miss him. He said he would be here tomorrow. I told him I was jealous when I talked to him on the phone just a few minutes ago. He asked of whom and I told him of Andrew and then I said "just kidding", but somehow I am a little jealous. I wanted to see him today. Well, I got my kids. Trystin is a sweetie. 5 year old Elyisa and 6 year old Chantal are cute too. I have them in my heart already. John seems to like the baby. The two girls cuddled with me on the couch and the boy cried when I left the room.
January 15, 1995
This morning Brandon and I got into an accident. It wasn't much damage and Brandon is paying for it (he was driving). Before this happened, Aaron and I had a talk that lasted 1 1/2 hours. We were mad, or upset with each other and I kind of wanted to explain to him why I felt the way I do and I did. He talked a lot and now Iím all confused again. I still don't know how he feels about me. He had said that I was the closest one to where he feels love again after a long long time, but a few seconds later he said "And my Mom too!"
January 16, 1995
Today everyone but John (including Aaron and Brandon) went to the movies. We watched "Junior". I sat beside Aaron and it was fun, even though Trystin was a wiggleworm and the girls wouldn't shut up. I wanted to go to "mask" but I want to go with Aaron alone. I made up my mind today to move a little away from Aaron. I want to keep him as a friend, but I don't like to be so desperate to see him. I called a lot of my old friends up. Krystal said she wants to stop by my house sometime this week and she's going to try to bring Shelly with her. Kari wants to do something with me also Karon works days now, so I can go see her more now and of course, I could start going to Edras and see Keith like I used to, but I don't know about that. Then I might be able to make some friends over the CB. I would like to meet Tazman. He sounds really nice. I also like to know whatever happened to Todd. I also want to see Lesa as much as I can. Well, maybe all this will put some distance between Aaron and myself. It hurts me to be with him anyway, cause he's not as much to me as I would like him to be. I like hanging around Brandon too.
January 18, 1995
Yesterday I talked to Brandon almost like I used to with Aaron. I miss those serious deep talks. Brandon is here again today, Dale has been in jail and is getting out Friday. Todd is going to Automotive School. I won't call Karon anymore. I have been trying to get a hold of her for days now and she never calls back. I had a pretty good day with the kids. Only Willy had problems in school and with Lindsay, but I don't feel like it's anything serious. Aaron might show up today. Andrew said that Aaron is on his way. Anyway, I went to NAC today to give Brandon his cigarettes and Aaron showed up. I don't feel so bad anymore when I see him.
January 21, 1995
I don't know why Aaron gets to me like this, but it has to stop. I can't deal with this anymore. I'm down when he's not here (or at least when I know where he is and that he doesn't want to be here) I'm sick of being down. I don't even want to see him anymore. At least I would get over it that way. Out of sight, and sooner or later it wouldn't matter anymore. It hurts too much. Brandon is cool and he's trying really hard to be a good friend, but he just isn't Aaron. I wish I were happy again like I used to be. Content with myself. I don't even wanna see him no more.
January 22, 1995
I started to cry today. I tried to go to church with all the kids and ended up getting up in the middle of it and left. Never again will I take all the kids.
January 23, 1995
Those kids are driving me crazy. Never again will I take kids that age group. Last night was fun though. I went to Eric's, picked up Aaron, Eric and Dale and then we went to David's and picked up Brandon. We were all drinking. Brandon and I are really getting to be close friends. I like him a lot. When we're together, I feel like I'm 16 again. He likes to sit and listen to the music and talk. I wish Rita lived in Utah and it would be like old times. I would like for Lesa to be a closer friend. Aaron was weird yesterday. I really don't know what to think about him. One day I think he really likes me and the next day I don't. Anyway, somehow he came to say "You could just give me a kiss!" My reply "Not in public" He "We could throw David out of his room and lock ourselves in". Then right before I went to bed, I ended up lying on his chest. It was nice.
Reading January 22, 1995 Q: What happens with John and me?
I'm clearing the way for transformation. There is a great change and death of the old self. It's the end of a familiar situation and the beginning of a new era. There will be deception, trickery, dishonesty, and most of all disillusionment. The best that can be accomplished under the existing circumstances is self-punishment, violence, enslavement, downfall and weird experiences. There is black magic and Astral influence. In the distant past there was adversity, great effort, obstacles and ordeals. The most recent sphere of events is the struggle between sacred and profane love, testing, putting to proof, tempting, yearning, beauty, perfection, compatibility, harmony and the beginning of a possible romance. My future influence is progress, luck, a God send, fate, destiny and future. My attitude or position is prudence, discretion, deliberation, inner wisdom, caution, vigilance, circumspection, self-denial, thriftiness, withdrawal, silent counsel, solicitude, desertion, regression and annulment. My influence on other people, being just, fair, reasonable, moderate, neutral, balanced, sensible, righteous and have poise, virtue, honor and goodness. I have courage, fortitude, energy, strength to endure in spite of all obstacles, physical strength, spiritual power, self-reliance and resolution now and in the near future. There are hidden forces and the triumph of love over hate. The final result is ultimate change, completion, perfection, success, admiration of others, and the final goal to which all other cards have let.
January 24, 1995
Today I feel pretty good. I would like to go up to the mountain with Aaron tonight, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I may get mad at him sometimes, but all he has to do is come around and smile and everything is back to where it was. I like him so much. Well, maybe one of these day...? Todd called me today. I guess if Aaron doesn't wanna see me tonight I might go get Todd. I'm wondering about Brandon. He hasn't called or anything. I hope he hasn't been denied for his car-loan.
January 26, 1995
Trystin is sick now. Aaron slept over last night. So did Brandon of course. I still only saw Aaron a few minutes, cause I had such a busy day. Brandon didn't get the car. Tim called Schneider and school won't be until May now. I told John I was going to call around for him tomorrow to find another trucking-company. This just takes too long. I want him to leave sooner. Aaron hooked my keyboard up to my stereo. It's great. he was out looking for a job today.
January 28, 1995
Today I took Willy, picked up Brandon from Misty's house, went and got Aaron and Dale and we all went over to West Valley and messed with the Neighborhood watch. They even called the cops on us. It was so funny. We all had a great time. When we got home, we watched some movies and Aaron put his head in my lap and I put my arm around him. It felt so good. I wish we could be together. I even had butterflies in my stomach. I think the last time I felt butterflies was with Todd. I wish it would happen more often or even go a little further. I'm always so happy when I'm with him.
January 29, 1995
This morning I had a psychic intuition. I knew my Mom would call and when the phone rang, I knew it was her and I was right. John kept on nagging at all the kids, putting David down etc. So I told him it would be a good start for him to quit putting David down. Then I left with David and Aaron and when I came back, John wanted a kiss, but I didn't give him one. I told him he really needs to stop putting people down. I was so close to leaving him right then and there. I'm glad I didn't though, cause I really wouldn't have made it out there on my own right now. I hope Aaron comes back here early though, so we can watch some tapes or something. Sort of have a repeat from last night. I like being close to him. Why in the world couldn't he be just a little older and come in my life just a little bit sooner? Why can't I just turn back time a couple of years and live that part over again? I would have never gotten married. That brings the song in mind "Oh it's sad when you belong to someone else when the right one comes along", even though I still don't know what he really feels about me. But I don't see any difference anyway. I need to do one thing or another to change my life with John. I have to be strong enough to stand on my own if this doesn't change around here. Of course, he did say he wasn't going to say anything to the kids anymore, but I've heard that one before.
January 30, 1995
John is getting all mad about the ham being almost all gone and Brandon opening cans of food without asking. He yelled at me for playing the keyboard too loud. Brandon had bought the cans he opened. The ham just goes fast, cause we're so many people! Brandon is going to buy that car and I believe I might not get the money he owes me. I guess I'll see.
January 31, 1995
I had a wonderful time last night. Aaron and I were fooling around a little while we were watching movies. I enjoy him so much. I feel like running away with him, but that doesn't work. I hope he'll come around again tonight, even though I feel really shitty and won't be able to do much. It would still be nice to have him around. Brandon baby-sat for me today, while I was in court with Chantal. She did a great job. That guy belongs behind bards. Lesa is still totally in love with Mike. I wonder if they really end up getting married. I hope she doesn't end up getting hurt instead. Boy, I sure hope Aaron sticks around for a long long time. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't like him so much.
February 4, 1995
Boy, in just a few days, lots has happened. Lesa broke up with Mike, cause he didn't give her enough attention. She's still getting a divorce though. Aaron almost packed his stuff and left and I ended up crying. Then I wrote him a letter, which we haven't discussed yet. It was pretty much stuff I would've written in here. It's summer outside and I'm loving it. Yeahhhhh! Brandon and I are really close friends now. I'm glad. I wish Aaron would quit lying to me. I hate it, cause I always know when he does anyway.
February 7, 1995
Trystin ended up in the hospital today. They believe he has a really bad infection of some sort, but they're not sure. They did a lot of tests on him. Aaron and I finally talked about my letter. At first he kind of skipped the section about how he's feeling toward me, so I asked him really bluntly. Even then he talked around the bush. Then I asked differently so somehow he had to tell me. he still tried to avoid saying something to the point, but he answered good enough. If John was out of the picture, he would date me. Then he started asking me questions about the way I felt about dating and marriage. I think it was mostly to get the attention away from himself. Even Brandon noticed him trying to get out of telling me how he feels. It was pretty interesting. Shelly thinks she could get Aaron to date her, but I know she's way to aggressive for him, plus she isn't really that good looking. Elyisa is a pig. She shit in a diaper today and threw it in a bag of toys. Shit was everywhere. Yuck!
February 9, 1995
Well, tonight I felt ditched. Neither Aaron nor Brandon wanted me to go with them tonight. They did something they didn't want me to know about. There are only two possibilities. 1. They went and messed with Golden Eagle, or 2. They did something illegal. Either way, it sucks! Anyway, Aaron didn't even bother getting in touch with me before I went home. At least Brandon did. This is not leading anywhere. Aaron is totally different when his friends are around. Oh well, I don't really care. Once John is gone trucking, I'm gonna go my own way anyway. I won't be hanging around a bunch of minors anymore and I probably won't be so lonely anymore neither.. Krystal and I are going to cruise State Friday, unless Trystin won't go to sleep, then we're just gonna play pool. I guess Krystal might be coming in my life again. Even though she is so young, I like being around her. I hate my life at times. It's so hard on me at times and then I get into that self-pity stuff. I wish I would've never met Aaron. I was in total control of my feelings. Now I'm not. My head thinks one way and I do a different way. I don't like it! I have to quit liking him so much. Gosh, I'm not 16 anymore, but I act like it. It has to stop!! Brandon came to the house this morning and fixed some of his car (he got into an accident). Then we brought it to Robinson for a tune-up and then we went to visit Trystin. I found out that #2 of my theory was right. They wanted to steal stuff and they probably did. And that after Aaron promised he wouldn't do that stuff anymore. At least Brandon isn't scared of telling me the truth. Aaron is a liar. A friend doesn't lie to a friend. I caught him in so many lies already. It's ridiculous. He shouldn't promise things he can't keep. well, I think I at least got one friend out of this whole thing. Brandon trusts me and when we're together we have fun. I like him a lot. I made up my mind though (and kept it so far), that I won't try to reach Aaron anymore. If he wants to be my friend, he's gonna have to do the work from now on and I won't be available for him like I used to be. I'm not a puppy-dog. I guess I still like him a lot, but I'm mad enough this time to put an end to my stupidity. I'm not running after him anymore. I just have to go back to what I used to do , and start being with new people. I'm glad Krystal is back in my life and Lesa is available again at times. If I get too bored, I can always go to Edra's house and I guess I can be with Brandon every now and again. One thing is for sure: Aaron lost my trust last night!
February 12, 1995
Reading February 12, 1995
Q: What is going to happen with Aaron and me?
There is a great change. the death of the old self and the end of a familiar situation. The obstacles are rehabilitation, readjustment and development. The goal is completeness, wealth, stability and the realization of all goals. I had to have courage, determination, strength to endure in spite of all obstacles, confidence and spiritual power. I've been a good friend and have accomplished something with high spirits. there are rewards from work and unselfish love. Future influence on others: Understanding, intelligence, wisdom, foresight, and intuition. There is good fortune, fate, destiny and unexpected events for me. There is violence, weird experiences, and matter over mind influencing from the environment. The inner emotions are tempting, yearning, testing, struggle between sacred and profane love and the beginning of a possible romance. The final result is forgiveness, compassion, humility, and kindness.
February 13, 1995
I had so much fun this weekend. I'm so glad Krystal is coming around again. We were cruising State together on Friday and Brandon was following us. Lesa was with us for the first little while. Then we went by the partyhouse where Aaron was. He ended up getting really mad at caveman, peeling out and then ended up talking to me for a while. Andrew ended up in my car with Brandon after Aaron left. I kind of like Andrew. I guess he just needs time to come out of his shell. then on Saturday, Krystal stayed at my house and Brandon came over after work too. Krystal and I went to the Fashion Place Mall. I ended up buying a bunch of new clothes. Then I met Dawn. Brandon caught up with us at 6 pm at Sears and he had her and the 2 Jessy's with him. Dawn isn't as pretty as I pictured her. Later in the evening Aaron and Dale came over and we talked for a while again. Aaron stayed until this morning. Maybe this time he realized that he doesn't have to lie to me. I'll always like him, no matter what he does. I might not want to be around him very much, but I'll still like him. I just hope Aaron will never start being on drugs for good. He tried Crystal Meth. I think he's crazy for even trying it, but what can I say. He told me yesterday that he has a low self-esteem. I can tell, but golly, he's so cute, why in the world does he have a low self-esteem? He also said that he knows that he's been neglecting Andrew and me and that this will change. I really hope so. I really love when he's around. The best thing this weekend was Krystal though. I'm sooo glad she's back in my life.
February 14, 1995
Aaron actually called me back today. He took back (again) what he has said a few days ago. Now he said he liked me and all but that he wouldn't date me after all, cause he says he's not ready for a relationship. I told him that I was just theorizing and that I couldn't anyway, cause of John. Anyway, here we go again. I'm not even going to say anything anymore, cause he always takes back what he says in the first place. Brandon made me think earlier. I told him I needed a boyfriend so I wouldn't be so fixated on Aaron. He said "Well, I'm available". Krystal bought me a purple rose today. John gave me a balloon with candy in the bottom. Yeah, candy - it's all I need now. Aaron moved his stuff back out.
February 15, 1995
Boy, I did a lot of thinking, but I'm still not done. When I talked to Aaron on the phone last night, something snapped. I'm through playing games. Then I thought about Brandon's words and how everything started when I met the two. I went to see Brandon on his route almost every day, left him notes and liked seeing him. at the party I had that deep talk with Aaron and I became totally fixated on him. Since then, Aaron has stepped on my feelings and Brandon cheered me up. Aaron lied to me and Brandon told me the truth. Last night I asked Brandon if he meant what he had said and he said that he did. I know I love Brandon as a friend. To me he is my best friend besides Krystal. Now I'm wondering if I hurt his feelings when I talked about Aaron so much. I never ever want to lose Brandon as my friend. He's such a sweet guy and so easy to get along with. I trust him completely and can tell him anything. I don't think I would be jealous if Brandon would date someone I like. I don't know about Dawn though. I don't want to see Brandon hurt. I got really mad at John today and yesterday. I just wish he was gone already and I could get on with my life. Krystal and I started drinking yesterday. We played Mexican dice and by the time Brandon, Aaron and Dale showed up, we were already buzzing. I think Aaron got jealous over Brandon and me writing notes to each other. I kind of ignored him I guess. I've got an Easter bunny from Justin today. It's cute.
February 16, 1995
I wrote Brandon a letter yesterday and gave it to him last night. It was about my shift in liking the two and what I think now. Now I'm going to wait for an answer. I'll see Brandon on his route today.
February 17, 1995
Well, I would like to know what's going on now. I thought Brandon was going to show up a little earlier today, but he hasn't made it yet. I heard Aaron on the CB a little while ago and he told me to call when I got home, but he never answered the phone. I heard Brandon earlier, but was interrupted by an emergency call for whom I called the police. By the time I got back, he wasn't on the CB anymore. Well, I guess I can always go see him on his route, but I don't want to appear like Misty either. Krystal and I met at the Rainbo Grocery Store today. What an incident. Krystal is really cool. Tomorrow we'll go cruisin!
February 18, 1995
Brandon, Joe, Krystal, Shelly and I went to the "Interview with a Vampire" movie for Brandon's birthday. Brandon woke up to a "Happy Birthday" song, a cake and 3 candles he couldn't blow out.
February 19, 1995
I had so much fun this weekend. I didn't see Aaron but for a few minutes and he acted like a jerk, but for once it didn't make me feel that bad. Yesterday, Krystal, Brandon, Shelly, Joe and I went cruisin' on State and then we went to my house. We tried to call a spirit, but it didn't work. Brandon liked the bunny I bought for his birthday. He also liked my card. Today we talked about my letter. Shelly seems to like Brandon too now. I wish she would quit coming on to everyone who is male and has two legs. That's slutty. Coming back to Aaron - on the CB he mentioned that he has a girlfriend now. In a way I wish he would. Maybe it would give him some insight. When I gave him a birthday hug, he sort of pushed me away and said "yeah, yeah, yeah." Oh well, let him be an ass. I can be one too.
February 20, 1995
Last night I went to Aaron's house to get my money. He actually gave it to me. I thought it would be harder. He said he would stop by after he finished with his car, but I went to bed at 1 am. He ended up calling at 2:14 am, but I didn't hear the phone. Tomorrow I will give him the letter I wrote yesterday afternoon. This is either gonna save or end our friendship. We'll see. Brandon gave me a hug on his route today. He said he was down and that he needed one. Then he asked if he could stop by later and I asked him since when he had to ask.
February 22, 1995
Well, I gave Aaron the letter. It hurt. Especially since he was so nice to me. I guess I still like him a lot. Tonight I heard him on the radio. I wanted to talk to him so bad. Especially since I was alone in the car. Maybe if Brandon would've been there it wouldn't have hurt so bad. I hope he calls or stops by soon. I don't want to have lost him for good.
February 23, 1995
I actually talked to Aaron on the phone yesterday. More so on accident then on purpose though. I had called to talk to Penny about David's baptism and Aaron picked up the phone. I ended up asking him if he would play the piano at the baptism and he said yes. I was surprised. He said he has a letter for me and that it's good and bad. So I guess I didn't lose him as a friend. I'm glad. Now I just want that letter. He said I would get it today, but I didn't. Dawn called me today. She ran away from home. Now her, Justin, and Brandon are at my house. Maybe I'll end up having them as Foster kids. That would be funny. It would be kind of cool though, cause the little ones would be out of here.
February 25, 1995
Well, Dawn and Brandon are boyfriend and girlfriend again. At first I thought it was great, cause I know Brandon still loves her, and Dawn seems to be nice too, but now Iím not so sure anymore. She puts him down a lot and I told her so today. Shelly was upstairs crying cause I wasn't going to take her shit today. I did not want her here this weekend and she knew. I've been ignoring her. She's way too pushy with everyone. I found out today that every time people talk about Aaron, I get really sad. I miss him so much and I always get tears in my eyes. He doesn't even know how much he means to me and I guess it's better that way. After all, with me being married there seems to be no future anyway, but I can't fool myself. He means just as much to me as Todd used to and it hurts. No matter what I try, my heart rules and I hate it. I told Dawn how much I really like him. I also told her that I can't wait to know what he thinks about me once I lost all of my weight and I'm done with my beauty stuff, cause I'm gonna be one good-looking foxy lady. John is driving me nuts. He tells me I shouldn't give my friends advise. Fuck him! I'm tired of him telling me not to help like he did with Dawn and Justin too. Helping is my life and he can scratch my back - to say it nice.
February 26, 1995
David has been baptized today. he was so nervous he started to cry. Aaron didn't make it because his car broke down and he was really upset about it. I went to see him after the baptism - gathering, which turned out great. We talked a lot and I had a good time. I told him I missed him and he told me the same. He also told me I looked pretty tonight. He told me he wants a date for Thursday with me - for all day. He said he hasn't been hanging around drugs - that he's been home a lot talking to his Mom and that he's also been with Andrew and Sunny. he said he hadn't been driving his car that much. I asked him to call me tonight and come over around 9 pm if he wanted to and he said he might. I told him I didn't want to leave because I was afraid I wasn't going to see him again for a long time. He said it wouldn't happen and not to worry. Gosh, he's so cute. I hope he really comes over tonight. We were so close before. I wanna be like that again. Brandon and I were talking about Aaronís ex-girlfriend today. When I talked to Penny, she told me how much she would've liked to come and she gave me a hug. Aaron gave me a hug too before he left.
Reading for February 26, 1995
Q: How will my future look with Aaron?
There is a feel for accomplishment, satisfaction, success and achievement in the present. It's a favorable relationship and we're good friends. There is pleasure, joy and unselfish love. The obstacle is rejuvenation, rehabilitation, readjustment, improvement and development. The goal should be to overcome foolishness and make the right choice in life. Watch for infatuation, passion and obsession. The past foundation is built on temperance, patience, self-control and friendship. We just went through forgiveness, kindness, goodness, humility, leniency, compassion and inspiration. The influence for the near future will be spontaneity, imagination, self-reliance, resolution, self-control and flexibility. Be able to choose your own actions and be determined and complete. I have worldly power, leadership, competence, skill, proficiency, stability, an indomitable spirit, endurance and I will be able to realize my goals. The influence I have on Aaron will give him ultimate change, success, perfection, admiration of others, triumph, completion, and his final goal. I feel bonded, enslaved, and subordinated. I punish myself, feel violence, and there is black magic and astral influence. The final result is the breakdown of existing forms to make way for new ones, sudden and unexpected events, have, loss of security, an event which destroys trust, adversity and undoing. Something will occur which upsets old beliefs and notions.
February 27, 1995
I brought Dawn and Justin to Youth Services today. Boy it was a scene. Everyone had tears in their eyes. But then Dawn ran and Brandon is with her now. Brandon told me that Aaron told his Mom he had a date with me Thursday. Brandon also said that Aaron's been acting like a real jerk. He flipped him off and told him he would go under. Now Brandon is really mad at him. Penny told Brandon that Aaron comes home late at night being noisy, waking her up and not going to sleep. He also threatened his Dad to hit him. Penny is getting ready to throw Aaron out for good this time. Brandon wants me to talk to him about it, but I think I did all I could. If I do anymore, the friendship will really be non-existent. I want the old Aaron back. The one he used to be. I hope he'll snap out of it soon. I'm kind of wondering if a little bit has to do with him liking me and my being married to John. I hope he'll show up Thursday. Yesterday Aaron wasn't a real jerk to me, but he didn't talk much neither, and he definitely didn't want to come to my house. Lesa told me she might be pregnant. Bob is leaving in April. They're getting a divorce no matter what. Mike got caught holding hands with Lesa and got in trouble. I requested the move of all 3 little ones today.
February 28, 1995
Today I was mainly working on this diary. Tonight I went to the Spa with Krystal. It was rad! Dawn ran last night and Brandon is with her at Becky's. I was glad I was alone today though, cause I was able to finish this! I hope Aaron keeps our date. I'm looking forward to it. This is the final countdown for John and his old job. I can't wait. I'm going to see if my horoscope will help me through the days.
Reading on February 28, 1995
Q: What can I do to get Aaron to be closer to me again?
I can use my knowledge of my education to understand and comprehend what's going on. Also, common sense, my intelligence and wisdom can help me. I need to be devoted to him with unselfish love and give him comfort as a good friend and make this his favorable relationship. I need to be alert of unexpected opportunities because this will lead to progress. It is godsend and our friendship does have a future because it is fate, or destiny. When we first met, it meant a beginning of a new era, an ending of a familiar situation, and great change in our life. Recently there has been a lot of foolish immaturity. There has been thoughtlessness and lack of consideration. There's also been lack of discipline, infatuation, and obsession on my part. There is a necessity for testing and putting the friendship to proof. The near future holds a beginning of a possible romance and a struggle between sacred and profane love. There will be speculation, examination, yearnings, but also perfect harmony and compatibility. I should proceed with caution and inner wisdom and listen to silent counsel. Aaron will ultimately change with success and win the admiration of others. I will feel improvement and development. I will feel that Aaron has been rehabilitated. With determination and struggle to endure in spite of all obstacles and with spiritual power and confidence, there will be triumph of love over hate with hidden forces at work.
March 1, 1995
I've got the date when the 3 little ones leave. It's Friday at 1 pm. Brandon and Dawn got into a fight today. Brandon told me he wished that Dawn were more like me. He said he likes my attitude, told me I was pretty and that someone like me doesn't cross path's that often, or maybe never again. I thought that was cute. Aaron and I went on a drive for 3 hours, just talking. We talked about a lot of things, Black Magic included. We talked about wanting to try out a Witchboard. I told him that Krystal had one. Maybe we'll try it together someday. We made a date for Saturday night - watching movies at my house. It was nice today. Almost like old times. I hope our friendship is back. I talked to Todd today too. We might do something Saturday.
March 2, 1995
Today Todd came to the house. We talked a lot about old times, too. I told him drugs aside, he was the best relationship I've ever had. He told me that if I were single he would like to be with me again. He asked me if I ever thought of it. Well, sure have. He was my first real love and I still love him. I have yet to find someone I love that much and who's actually with me - cause I love Aaron just as much, but he's not my boyfriend.
March 4, 1995
well, Todd never got back home, so I couldn't spend time with him. I took Willy and Anthony and tried to get some people together. We ended up being us 3, Brandon, Joe, Aaron, Sunny, Ben, Mike, Dawn and Tommy. We went and messed with the neighborhood-watch in West Valley again. It was fun. Anthony had fun too. They did call the cops, but they never showed up. Afterward, we went for a skunk hunt. We met Andrew, but he didnít go with us. DA ended up with us too and he ran in the ditch. We had the perfect hiding spot. Dawn is treating Brandon like shit. I don't like her anymore. She really is the bitch I thought she was. Now Joe, Brandon, Willy, Dawn and me sitting here waiting for Aaron to get here. I talked to Penny earlier. I think she is concerned about the wrong person (Brandon). Aaron is the one she should be concerned about. I found out that he smokes weed more than he says he does and he pops Mini-thins. Anthony was trying to steal a shirt at Sears today and then he was going to steal from 7/11.
March 5, 1995
Joe, Willy, David, Jenny and I went to church together today. I actually was able to listen to most of it. We had a family meeting today to go over all the rules with Anthony. Aaron and Dawn left together earlier while we were in church and after dinner Brandon and Joe left. Brandon said he wasn't going to spend a lot of time with Dawn and he might break up with her, but he's with her again now. I don't like her anymore. She always lies and tells stories.
March 6, 1995
Boy what a day. Anthony ran from school. I called Joyce, there was a pick-up order on him for DT. I found him, brought him back to school for a while. Stayed until we all left, went to try to reach Joyce, couldn't. Went to Glamour Shots in the Mall. Anthony got picked up and is at DT now. I hope I can get him back out tomorrow. Court is at 8:45 am. I like Anthony. He's not a bad kid. He's just got a few problems. He seems to like me too. Aaron called me tonight. He wants me to help him get Dale's truck tomorrow. I don't know if I can. Mike broke up with Lesa. He's trying to work things out with his wife. Stupid idiot. I knew it! Went to see Brandon on his route to show him my Glamour shots. He said I looked hot. I loved Glamour shots. She gave me some Make-up tips.
March 7, 1995
Both courts went fine today. Anthony is back home and I won't get any points on my license and only have to pay $32. That's better than I thought. Todd wanted me to pick him up, but when I did, he went to his Dad's house and I ended up taking off, cause he took forever. I knew he got high. Brandon called me to check what I was doing. I heard him and Aaron earlier on the CB and Aaron wanted to borrow $50 to get Dale's truck out. Where am I gonna get $50 from? I ain't got enough as it is. Becky just called and said Brandon was on his way over here. Well, I'm getting ready to go to bed.
March 8, 1995
Today Anthony pulled another trick on me. He said he was going to this girls house and I caught him at Jerry's. He's on 2 days restriction. Todd was over here today. He tried pretty hard to get me to go to bed with him and when that didn't work, he tried to kiss me. I don't know if I could even kiss him if I wouldn't have been in this house, I really don't. Brandon came over here tonight. He gave me a best friends necklace. He seems to be getting tired of Dawn's shit. It's about time. She's no good for him. She was telling Brandon stories and he asked me if they were true. She's a bitch from hell. All she wants to do is break up our friendship, but I think Brandon and I are close enough friends to survive even her. I feel like punching her lights out for even trying though. She can kiss my rear end. And I'm never ever considering her a friend, no matter what she does. I can't believe I ever considered taking her in as a Foster kid. Bitch! I'm getting an 11 year old girl in the morning.
March 9, 1995
Anthony went to DT again today. He's got 2 assault charges and a terroristic threat. Brandon came over to the Spa earlier and we ended up watching "The Next Karate Kid". It was good. Brandon is so sweet. I wish he wasn't so hooked on Dawn. Well, at least he seems to be getting his own mind about staying there.
March 10, 1995
Anthony is staying in DT for the weekend. He didn't have a very good attitude in court. Brandon spent the night again. I'm surprised. I went for my eye-exam today and decided against contacts. This afternoon Penny called and told me Dawn was telling her all these stories, one of them being that Aaron and I are having an affair. I got really upset and went to Becky's house to clear things up. I felt like punching her. I calmed down really quick though, cause we came to talk about what to do with Justin. Then I asked Penny to talk to me in private and I told her what's been going on with Aaron and that I don't know anymore what to do to try to help him. She told me I was likable and she was glad that I'm honest. Then Aaron came on the CB and I ended up talking to him for a few minutes about things that Dawn had spread. I wish she would commit herself in an institution, cause she needs the help. I also found out that she was cheating on Brandon with this Justin kid.
March 11, 1995
Today was pretty boring, but I've got all of my letters written and all of my ironing done. Justin finally went back to the State. Well, I still have an opening. Maybe he'll end up with me.
March 12, 1995
Brandon called me and told me he's going to the movies. Justin ended up back home and I guess will stay for a while. I called Todd and he said he thought he scared me off. Then Aaron called me back and we talked a while. He likes my melody I wrote too.
Reading on March 12, 1995
Q: How can I make my future happy?
Right now there are friends that are not true friends, which try to trick me into unsuspected dangers. I'm surrounded by dishonesty. I have a yet unknown enemy. There is a favorable relationship with a good friend with whom I will have high spirits and experience great joy. With unselfish love and devotion. There will be triumph and success. I have to undertake efforts and sacrifices to succeed toward a goal which may not be reached. This is a time of transition and readjustment and I will be in suspension, but there will be improvement. The triumph of love over hate in the past helped me to be courageous and determined now. I learned to have strength to endure in spite of all obstacles. I've gained physical and spiritual power and have learned to use hidden powers for my benefit. Someone has been God send to me and I will have a future with this person. It's fate and destiny. Unexpected events that have occurred were inevitable but will signify progress. I should be alert of unexpected opportunities. I will feel deserted which I can change with silent counsel and caution. I'm making progress in my femininity and accomplishments. I will give someone a bright future. People will have faith and trust in me and I will give them optimism. There are favorable prospects and with insight I can reach satisfaction. I will give people hope. I feel like I have failed in some aspects, but will feel a new beginning. I will feel a great change emotionally. I will be able to realize my goals. With competence and skill, I will gain worldly power and wealth.
March 13, 1995
Anthony was able to come back home today. At the treatment center he had an attitude so now he is on the waiting list for daily treatment. Lindsay took Willy to therapy. This evening I was really bored, so I went to the Eastside after John went to bed. I met Brandon and Dawn at Penny's and then I met Aaron and Joe at Chevron. We had a little fun. Later we stopped at Andrews and Aaron's drug-buddy's got in his car (Sunny, Ben and Mike). Joe came with me to rent some movies and Aaron came by later. They spent the night. Brandon said when Dawn has to move out of the trailer, he's gonna break up with her (Wednesday). I believe it when I see it. I know Aaron smokes pot. I just wish he would come around more anyway. Penny is really worried about him.
March 14, 1995
I'm going to get a 17 year old boy tomorrow. We cleaned Willy's room out. He's living with David now. Anthony still lies about everything. I'm getting sick of it. Neither Brandon nor Aaron called me today. We're pretty much done cleaning up David's room and moving Willy in. Krystal canceled the spa today.
March 15, 1995
I've got my alignment done. The tie-rod was really loose. I got done cleaning Anthony's room out and painting some of the walls. It looks really good in there now. Jim is Cancer, but he seems like a nice guy. Brandon said he was gong to come by, if he got gas, but never did. I heard him and Aaron on the CB, but they had the squelch so high they couldn't hear me. Oh well! Lesa helped me out today, when I was stranded at David Early's. I talked to Karon about the wedding. I feel really lonely lately. I want Brandon over here more often again. Lesa canceled the Spa today.
March 16, 1995
Today Anthony ran from school again. He came home while I was at the Spa with Krystal and Jim. I called the police on him and Anthony won't be back. I picked up Todd this evening and we were high. He tried to get closer again, but I wouldn't let him. I found out that Kathy does still live with him. We ran into Brandon and Aaron and they spent the night. Dawn too. I bought a Ouija Board today. John is spending the night at Tim's. Maybe Aaron is coming around more often again now.
March 17, 1995
Today I started on taxes. This evening I went to Karon's house for her wedding.
March 18, 1995
I got really bored, so Willy and I went to the East side and we met up with Aaron, Ben, Sunny and Eric. Brandon and Dawn joined us later. Brandon, Dawn, Willy and I went to the 49th Street Galleria and I spent $4,- and won 4 pictures. Later we all went to my house (except for Sunny) to watch movies. Justin ran again and we picked him up from some strangers house. Brandon got a ticket for speeding and Aaron got his picture taken by a photocop.
March 19, 1995
I didn't go to church today. Everyone spend the night at my house. They left this afternoon.
March 20, 1995
I went to he East side this evening and met up with Aaron, Brandon, Joe and Dawn.
March 21, 1995
I was dreaming of Gina dying of an Asthma attack at night. I went to prison and escaped with a bag full of money. A guy and another woman helped me. The FBI chased me. I found Aaron and Brandon and hugged them goodbye with tears in my eyes. When I hugged Brandon, I clung to him really crying. I escaped from the FBI several times. I even threw bunches of money on the street. The last time I woke up.
After I went to the Gym with the boys, I stayed home today and watched movies. I'm mad at Krystal for going to the Jacuzzi instead of doing Aerobics. I ditched her.
March 22, 1995
Today was pretty laid back. Karon never did come to see me. I watched Time-Cop with Claude Van Damm and Ballistic today. Both pretty good movies. I didn't hear from neither Wahe today. Miss having them around. Talked to Todd tonight. Maybe we'll do something tomorrow. Talked to Lesa this morning. We played games tonight.
March 23, 1995
The Accountant wasn't there, so I had to leave my taxes. I went to bed early with John cause he might be leaving Friday. Monday I'll meet Thomas in DT At 2 pm I woke up from Cuddles barking. I thought someone broke in the house. It was Aaron and Justin. I'm more contend again.
March 24, 1995
Today John and I went to the Comedy Circuit.
March 25, 1995
Boy what a day. we, Jim, Brandon, Carol and I went to the neighborhood watch. It wasn't as much fun as usual. Afterward we went to the East side. Dawn kept on calling for Brandon, but Brandon wasn't with her since Friday evening. He didn't want her to know where he was. I'm tired of this game. I wish he would finally brake up with her. We all ended up at my house. There were Jim, Aaron, Joe and Brandon.
Sunday March 26, 1995
Joe and Brandon went to church with us. Aaron left last night. Dawn called my house again this morning. John told her that Brandon was gone with his girlfriend. I was at the East side today and Brandon vacuumed my car out. I talked to Aaron. I hardly talked to Dawn and I talked to Penny. I took Carol home with me and Brandon picked her up later.
March 27, 1995
I worked at Candis Foods today. Thomas is very quiet and seems sassy.
March 28, 1995
The Foster training was informative and fun. I'm going to start going now. Thomas is a little more talkative now. John is definitely leaving Friday morning now. I talked to Rita today. I really do miss her. She's coming to visit this fall. I can't wait!
March 29, 1995
Today, Thomas already talked a lot more. I like him. Anthony isn't coming to my house this weekend, he's going to his grandma's. I don't know if I should even bother visiting him. He didn't even really want to talk on the phone. Brandon came over tonight. I started recording Rita's tape. I changed the girls and boys room around today. John is leaving for sure to Massachusetts either tomorrow or Friday morning.
March 30, 1995
John left today and for some strange reason, I already miss him. I'm also feeling blue about our financial situation. I've seen Aaron, Brandon and Joe after we came back form the Spa. Maybe someone will come over here tonight.
March 31, 1995
Today we met up with Joe and I got my cigarettes for $10,-. Then we met Aaron . We were cruising State for a little while and then went to my house to watch "Wolf". The Bishop is going to help me out with food. Willy got me pissed today cause he took matters in his own hands, after David touched his keyboard and he was messing with David's stereo. I ended up yelling at him and he got all pissed. Thomas was on my side. Wow!
April 1, 1995
Today I went to DJ's with Todd. Lesa was a little pest. He kept on trying to kiss me and he was smelling like pot big time. He quit when I finally yelled at him and he left. He's totally weird. Aaron, Eric and Justin ran into us on our way home and Brandon and Dawn showed up later. I didn't go to bed until 5 am Brandon tucked me in.
April 2, 1995
Today Aaron, Brandon, Eric, Justin and Dawn spent the night at my house. They left for a few hours and than came back all muddy. Aaron got stuck at the Great Salt Lake. Aaron took a shower and then left again. Brandon took me later and we met up with Aaron again. We went to NAC and I said hi to Lindsay while Aaron was washing the car. Then I ended up switching to Aaron's car and we had a skunk-hunt. I got something to smoke from Ben and we had fun. We later dropped Ben off and ended up at my house. I had lost my diary. I hope I can find it. Aaron and I were sitting by the couch talking and playing around while Justin was asleep and Brandon and Dawn were looking for my diary. I kind of believe Ben has it. I was dreaming something about kissing Aaron. It was nice and we were kind of playfully getting closer.
April 3, 1995
Aaron left at 9 am to go to court and then come back. He slept while I drove the kids to their appointments. I went to see Brandon on his route on the way home. After I started dinner, Aaron and I drove to find Brandon again (I let Aaron drive there, I drove back). After dinner Aaron left to visit Dale and the kids and I left a funny message on the answering machine and then went to the park to play Frisbee. It was fun. I was dreaming of Aaron again. This time he was worried cause I couldn't breathe.
April 4, 1995
Aaron, Brandon and Dawn spent the night again. When they got to my house, I already was asleep, but woke up cause the dog was barking. We all wen to the Gym today. Aaron kept on telling me what guy would be good for me. I told him they were either too old or too ugly. Then he pointed at a mirror that showed him. I didn't give him a response, just smiled. When we left, Aaron went to the east side and we wen tot SOS. On the way back, we flipped, waving at a guy in a truck who we didn't know, but he followed us all the way home.
Reading April 4, 1995
Q: What's going on in my love life? Right now there is trouble and adversity that I might just have overcome. There is great effort to find love and there is victory. There will be obstacles and I need to use discretion, be cautious, look for a silent counsel and use my inner wisdom. There will be a breaking down of the existing forms to make way for new ones. There will be sudden and unexpected event and a sudden event which will destroy my trust. There will be a setback and the loss of security and money. A possible divorce. In the distant past I had trust faith, optimism, insight and inspiration and there were favorable prospects. John's leaving made me feel abandoned at first and I had to readjust. I was living in suspicion for a while, wondering when he was leaving and where Aaron and I would go from here. There also was reversal of my mind and my way of life. In the near future, there will be another readjustment that leads to development, promotion, a change of position, rejuvenation, rehabilitation and rebirth. My attitude is folly, foolish and I'm still infatuated with passion and have lack of discipline. I need t be careful to use my willpower to overcome foolishness and make the right choices in life. I will lead others to feminine progress, achievement, accomplishment and fruitfulness in love. I fell I have wisdom, knowledge, common sense, foresight, intuition, understanding and intelligence. There will be weird experiences, astral influence and black magic as well as disaster, violence and shock. But in the end, there will be a bondage to someone.
April 5, 1995
Dawn and I went to the Welfare. This evening I met Nicky (23), Amber (15), James (19), David (16), and Rex (23) from channel 11. Afterward we met up with Brandon, Joe, Carol and Justin. Then I went to Aaron's house and he readjusted my CB-Antenna. Tonight he called me and we wrote a poem together over the phone. He's so cute. Oh well Monika, dream on. Thomas got a hundred bucks from somewhere. I need to call Merilee tomorrow and find out what to do.
April 6, 1995
Tonight Dawn and I were playing around on the CB. We met 3 gang members and I met Robert (Montana). He's really good looking and he's 20. He was with Jerry. Dawn said he thinks I'm cute. Everyone came to my house, Robert, Jerry, Robert (Little Mo), Kenny and another guy. Brandon came to my house later with Joe and Carol too.
April 7, 1995
We went on a Skunk hunt. I went in Aaron's car with Sunny, Ben and Eric. Montana went too. He had Dawn, Mike and Jerry with him. Brandon sort of broke up with Dawn and so Dawn ended up with Jerry. Tommy and Penny were together in a car and so were Brandon, Joe and Carol. Penny got pissed for some reason and threw Aaron out of the house again. She was mad at me too for God only knows why. Aaron and I ended up bringing everyone home (Dawn stayed with Jerry) and brought my car home. Then we met Mike (White Stallion), messed around with his car for a while and then went to Grantsville. I showed Aaron my old house.
April 8, 1995
Aaron stayed here and we ended up having a party (he left, picked up Joe and Carol and Ben and came back). Todd was here and we all smoked some. It was fun. Aaron even put his arm around me once. He also sat on the bed while I was lying down and talked to me. I think we're closer now than we've ever been. I took all the kids to the mall today, bought Gina new shoes and let them go to the movies. Todd kept on trying to touch me again. This time Aaron witnessed it.
April 9, 1995
Aaron was here until around 7 pm. We were gonna go to the movies, but we didn't make it in time. Penny ended up on the CB and we ended up going to the house. When we left, Aaron was all upset. I almost cried. I care for him too much. All the love is back again, even though I didn't want it to be. I don't know what it is about Aaron, but he sure has me in his "net". I kind of tried to help out and got everyone to get some money for Dale. We ended up with $20.- by asking people for some spare change. Sometimes I feel like taking my stuff and my kids and just run away, or I think about moving with John, but Aaron is to me just as much as Paul or Tim were and I know I will never forget him as long as I live. It doesn't matter what happens, he'll always be in my heart.
April 10, 1995
This morning Dale got out of jail. Him, Aaron. Sunny, and Eric came to my house for breakfast. Then they left for Wendover. Dawn and I were together all day and we had fun. This evening, Aaron and Dale came back. Dale lost. Then they left again and Brandon and I went shopping for Dawns birthday and Easter. Then around 1 am, Aaron called. I had to come to their rescue cause they were out of gas. I gave him $ 2,-. This evening we were playing around. We ended up talking, lying on my bed (Dawn, Aaron and I). It was fun. I already gave Dawn her B-day spankings. John is on his way to Canada. He thinks he won't be home for at least another week. We'll see I guess. I wish I were free. Even though John is gone, I still don't feel free. I can't do what I want, cause of a piece of paper. It sucks!
April 11, 1995
We woke Dawn up singing "Happy Birthday" and giving her a Birthday cake. I also gave her a bunny. She seemed to be happy. I brought Dale to Welfare and later after Aaron woke up from his nap, we went to Intermountain to register him. We'll probably going to a job tomorrow night. (Aaron, Dale and I), Dale is going to stay here a while too, I guess. This evening Aaron, Dale, Brandon, Dawn, David (Guilda's son) and I went to Evanston Wyoming. Aaron sat in the middle in the front the whole time. Dale drove back and even though it was a little uncomfortable, I had fun. Weíre still close.
April 12, 1995
Aaron, Dale and I went to work together today. It sucked! Aaron and I left early. Aaron went to see a girl named Jenni at Texaco who used to be his girlfriend 2 years ago. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm jealous as hell.
April 13, 1995
I believe I have the bankjob. I also work at the Delta Center Wednesday night and I volunteered for the Baptist Food Pantry Thursday morning. John got home for 6 hours today. It was interesting. I picked up my pictures at Glamour Shots. Penny said I could be a model. I'm gonna get my hair done like that (perm) ASAP. I think I need to move a little away from Aaron again. My heart is getting too involved.
April 14, 1995
I went to DJ's with Debbie (Gina's Mom) tonight. It was a flop. Aaron dropped Dale of tonight and didn't even come in to say hi. Brandon didn't pick up Jim from work tonight after promising he would.
April 15, 1995
After Gina's therapy I went to Sinclair. Michael did hire me. I'm going to start training tomorrow with him. It's gonna be fun. We stayed over there a while to bullshit. On the way back home I almost ran into some idiot who decided to pull out right in front of me. I reacted fast though and was able to avoid him by a hair width. Now Iím sitting here not wanting to go to bed, cause Aaron isn't here yet. He said he was going to Tracey's house and ride in her new car. He said he's only gonna be there for 1/2 hour. Oh well!
I was really depressed today. First of all about Aaron and Brandon last night. Then I was supposed to go to work with Dale and Aaron, but Aaron didn't want to go together, so I didn't go. And then I thought about everything and figured out that this isn't going anywhere anyway and I should get Aaron out of my mind. I ended up crying a lot. Then decided I was going to sing at the Sandy Station. At first, I couldn't find Noone to go with, then Debbie and Todd came with. It was so much fun. Everyone said I was really good and I believe it cause I wasn't scared. I ended up borrowing a black Cowboy hat from some guy for my last song "Nobody" from Sylvia which was supposedly the best song I sang. I want to buy myself a cowboy hat. I look good in it.
April 16, 1995
After I got home last night, I prepared Easter and went to bed at 4 am. Aaron and Dale came back from work at 4:30 am and I woke up. I ended up talking to Aaron and he asked me if I was mad at him. I told him I had been disappointed. He ended up sleeping on the floor beside my bed. This evening Brandon took us all on a ride and I ended up in the back with Aaron. Aaron was high and flipping. I don't know what it is about Aaron, but he sure has me wrapped around his little finger. He ended up sleeping beside my bed again.
April 17, 1995
I bought a cowboy hat today and something to drink for later. Jenny is sick. I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it. As much as I like Aaron, I can't take it anymore. It hurts too much. I'm gonna ask John to move to Texas. Aaron just took off. I don't know why. On the CB all he could say was that he's not going to be on no more. It hurts so much I just want to disappear. I only loved 3 guys in my life. I've been stepped on and Iíve been used. I'm not going to love anymore. It's my turn to use. I'm going to sleep around and I'm going to fuck with their brains. They're all assholes anyway. My love is over. I was hoping my dream would come true. Fuck it!! I hate Aaron for his actions!
April 18, 1995
I went to pick up Dale from park City today. This evening Dale and I went to the Sandy Station and I sang like always. I love it. There was a cute guy with a black Cowboy hat too. I bought a Microphone today. I'm still mad at Aaron. Tim's sun got run over by a care and John is coming home in the morning.
April 19, 1995
I went to pick up John today. He thinks he'll be home for about a week. I went to traffic school and heard Gismo on the radio. I listened for a while, then said "Brake". Aaron didn't get on the CB anymore after that, even though people were calling for him. It made me pretty sad. Dale and I went to the Delta Center to work at 10 pm.
April 20, 1995
This thing about Aaron still bugs me. Dawn and I went to Penny's to pick up some things and she came out to talk to me. She said he never said anything about being mad at me - just Dale. It's getting a little easier though. I'm not that depressed anymore. Robert asked me for my phone # today. He wants us to help him pass out flyers for his grandfather's restaurant and we would get free breakfast. But since it is John's birthday, I doubt if we'll do that. I found out that he's Gemini. I wish Aaron would make the first move and come over here to talk, or at least give me a phone call.
April 21, 1995
I felt really sick today. We went to Penny's to get some of Justin's CD's and we pawned them. Aaron was home, but asleep. I told Penny how hurt I was. After we left and were on our way home, Aaron talked on the CB. I ended up talking to him cause he said he was sorry. He said he'd call me, but he never did. I took some Nyquil, went to bed for an hour and felt a lot better afterward. At 1 am Aaron drove up. We talked until 5 in the morning. He told me (finally) that he loved me and he said "If you'd ever get remarried it'd probably be me!" Wow! He said he didn't want to hurt John. Well, neither do I or I wouldn't be with him anymore. I would've broken up back in May or June. He's sort of like a father figure. I don't want him stranded with all of the bills. I made up my mind to go back to NAC, so I can start paying some bills off.
April 22, 1995
John and Dale started to party today. John ticked me off. He kept on wanting kisses. And Dale nerved! I left at 11 pm and went to see Aaron. Then I went to Smith to get John a Birthday present. After that, Aaron went on a short Skunk hunt and I went to pick up Jim. Aaron came by later with Ben. That's when I started having fun and got a little buzzed too. I sang for a long time.
April 23, 1995
John and I went to the Sandy Station for his Birthday. It was super. Even though I had this cold, I was really good at singing. Dale was supposed to be there at 9:30 pm, but didn't show up until almost midnight. He went to see about his truck instead. Aaron is upset with him. We stayed up after we got home and I was leaning on Aaron. I gave John an 8X10 Glamour Shot picture in a pretty fancy golden frame for his Birthday.
April 24, 1995
I really enjoy my time with Aaron. He looked super today. We didn't have much sleep, but he did a good job in his job search. I'm mad at Brandon for lying to me and Iím gonna give him his friendship thing back. Dale is really pissing me off. Even though I told him to throw his dirty clothes in the laundry room, he started a load anyway. Most likely John is leaving tomorrow for 3 weeks. Aaron looked like a cowboy. He's really handsome like that.
April 25, 1995
Aaron slept over again today. Court went fine. I supervised the visit and Aaron and Dawn came with. We all went to sleep really early.
April 26, 1995
John left at 4 pm. We celebrated Sunny's B-day today. Aaron didn't smoke pot. He gave me a hug and said it's because of me, or he did it for me. I told him he should do it for himself. We bugged neighborhood watch, but it didn't work. I think Sunny feels more comfy around me now.
April 27, 1995
I wrote Aaron a note while he was still half asleep on the couch. He showed up at the conference for a few minutes. I donít' think Aaron will quit smoking dope soon. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be hurt again like I did with Todd. Aaron and I talked later. He gave me a letter and I wrote him one. He said he likes being high. He also said he wouldn't be like Todd. I just don't know. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me or resent me, but I also don't want a relationship with a drug addict.
April 28, 1995
I wish Aaron was drug free. I also wish I wasn't married. Aaron smoked crack today. After he said he would never do anything else besides dope. I did two readings today and both are wishy washy, but don't really look very good for Aaron. I had some Vitamin P, but it wasn't all that good. It's not gonna work. Not soon anyway. Aaron went home tonight after a long psychological talk.
April 29, 1995
The conference went fine. I went to Sandy Station tonight..alone! It was fun. Some guy named Doug seemed to like me. I think he's cute. He sings good too.
April 30, 1995
I went to Sandy Station again. When I got home, I found my waterbed broke. Everything has to happen in one day. I tuned my car today and Todd came over. I got frustrated because I couldn't get the spark plugs out easy and because I had to think about Aaron - seeing Todd.
May 1, 1995
Had to rescue Brandon today. His car wouldn't start. We're getting along great again. Aaron ended up towing him to Tommy's house. I started Spring-cleaning today and I'm almost done. John is coming home in the morning for a day cause his truck is broke.
May 2, 1995
Aaron said last night that it definitely wouldn't go on this way (with the drugs). I wish I could sincerely believe him. I want to so bad. I had a bad day today. Totally hectic. Willy, Jenny and I have strep throat. Aaron is supposed to come back or at least he said probably. John is leaving again in the morning. I'm finally done with everything inside.
May 3, 1995
I didn't see Aaron today. I wrote a new poem for him. John left today. I went to Charter today. I'm scared for Aaron. I wish he would come live with me and never leave. I wish he would quit doing drugs. Brandon's been real supportive and he's been a good friend. So has Dawn.
May 4, 1995
I miss Aaron. A lot! In a way, I wanna go find him, but I think that's wrong. Got a lot done with my music today. Sometimes I wonder if I should drop the whole family (Wahe's) and try to go on without them.
May 5, 1995
I still haven't seen Aaron. We went to his house and seen the car, but that's as far as it went. Brandon's got the job. We went to his work tonight!
May 6, 1995
Went with Dale to the Sandy Station. It was fun. Dale and I hooked up Dawn's Karaoke to my stereo. Brandon walked into a mess. Dawn had Jerry sleep over and he was in her bed. She's a slut. She only met the guy 2 days ago. I can't believe Brandon would consider going out with her again. I kind of made friends with Debbie from Sandy Station. She's cool. She might show up tomorrow. I still haven't heard from Aaron.
May 7, 1995
I went to the Sandy Station again today. I sat with Debbie and her crowd. Found out that Doug is Bi. Yuck! Debbie wants me to go to Christie's for Star-search. I heard Aaron on the CB on the way home. I was really glad to hear from him.
May 8, 1995
This morning I started paying bills with Brandon and we ran into Aaron. I was so happy to see him. I gave him the Marijuana poem and the wonderin' poem. He didn't get mad. He might (hopefully) come out tonight. I miss him. Brandon is really close to me, now that Dawn isn't his girlfriend anymore. I told Dawn and Dale that I want them out by August. Aaron and I talked for a long time. I told him about my Teen-Alcoholic years. I think he is the ONLY one that knows now.
May 9, 1995
Aaron did come out last night. We watched "Forrest Gump". We didn't talk much though. I sold 3 puppies to Pet Set today. I bought some Mini-thins today. They really do help from getting you hungry. I didn't eat but a few spoonful of beans and Macaroni and a Beef Jerky today. Tonight I went to DJ's. I won 1st price ($30) on Karaoke. I made a couple new friends (Denise & Melissa). I wish Aaron would come out again tonight, but it's almost 2 am and I doubt it! Aaron did come out. He called me from Rainbow. His car had overheated. I think he might've blew the head-gasket.
May 10, 1995
Today was a great day. I went to Christy's for Karaoke cause Debbie told me I oughta for the contest. It's a Starsearch contest. When I got there, I found out I have to pay $20,- to participate and I have to qualify by singing 3 songs. She said if I had enough experience, I could register. It was up to the Judge. Well, I sang "Mama he's crazy" and they gave me a registration form. That meant a lot to me. It's only been a month. I wish I would've never quit singing. I would be so good by now. Toward the end of my song, Aaron and Dale walked in. I sang "Nobody" too. that was all though. Now we're watching "Puppetmasters". Aaron and I talked all night. Partially about us.
May 11, 1995
Aaron and I told each other "I love you" and we kissed. No French though. I have so much love for him. Today we (Aaron, Eric, Justin, Joe and I) went to Trolley Square. It was so much fun. Then I had to pick up Jim and Willy from JTPA. Aaron asked if it was ok for him to be with Tracey and Suzanna tonight. I told him it was and it is. Aaron came back at 11:00 pm. We watched a movie and talked and went to sleep at 4:00 am.
May 12, 1995
We were supposed to go on a skunk-hunt, but nothing went right. At first Brandon didn't show up and then Aaron took off from Texaco after I left him there a little while cause I went to Sinclair to go to the bathroom. I ran into Michael F. We talked about jobs and me getting hired by Michael. Anyway, I guess I was gone for some time. When I came back, Aaron was gone. He had gotten into a fight with Sunny and left. I ended up catching up with him later. Penny threw a bottle at Brandon's car cause of Dawn. Aaron, Willy and I went to see Michael again. I'm practically hired and I'll be working Sat & Sun from 2 to 9:30 pm. He asked me to go on a date with him (he's getting divorced). He's 26 now and he's still good looking and nice and all. I'd go out with him as a friend, but that's it. I got drunk tonight.
May 13, 1995
Well, everyone went for the pictures (Aaron, Brandon, Dawn, Willy, Thomas, Gina, David, Jenny and I). I was beside Aaron and Willy and Brandon was in front of me. Aaron and I got caught lying in each others arms by Dale and Joe. But I don't really care and Aaron didn't seem to mind either. I stayed in bed until 12 pm today. Now I think I probably could cheat on John and I think Aaron would be a perfect lover, cause he's so sensitive and it's hard not to give in, but still - I wanna wait. We went and moved that stolen car. I hope he never does anything like that again. Afterward we went for a ride in Brandonís car. It was kind of boring. Aaron and I started singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall". I'm going to work with Aaron tomorrow.
May 14, 1995
Work sucked! Aaron and I left at noon. Michael called and asked if I could work more days. Now I'm working Mondays too. Sandy Station was fun. There were very few people. Aaron came over after I got home and they (Ben, Eric and him) watched a movie while I finished up my Tarot reading and then done one for Brandon. I really like my reading. It suggests that Aaron and I are through all the trouble. We're both happy now. He said he's ready for anything I am. Well, I want to do more too, but not yet. I want to be perfect with each other, cause I still have to learn a lot too. Yesterday Dale and Joe caught us hugging. Dawn was trying to cause Bull by saying they went to the junkyard to steal something, but I trust Aarons promise completely.
May 16, 1995
Work was fun. After work I went to Michael's house. He asked me out again. I told him just as friends. He said that would take the fun out of it. He also told me Sinclair would fire us both if they'd find out if we'd date. Then Aaron, Ben, Ben's girlfriend and Eric went to my house and we all got drunk. A lot of firsts happened today. 1. I cheated on someone for the first time. 2. I slept with a Virgin for the first time. 3. Aaron slept with a girl for the first time. For his first time, Aaron was splendid. He's already better than a lot. He's so sensitive. I was so turned on by him and just thinking about it makes me want him again. We decided we'll have 2 songs: "No doubt about it" and "Dreams". He said I'd never lose him, but who knows.
May 17, 1995
Boy, I was excited all day today. I had to keep thinking about last night. After the visit, Aaron was on the CB. He was on the Freeway with a flat. I ended up lending him money so he could go get a brand-new tire. He was supposed to bring me part of the money later that evening. Well, he never did. I'm really upset. I feel betrayed.
May 18, 1995
I was looking for Aaron all day today and couldn't find him. I went to the Westerner for a singing contest - ALONE and fucked up big time. I was drunk when I left and if I would've been pulled over,I probably would've went to jail. I went home, picked up Joe and searched for Aaron again. This time I found him. We talked until 4 am in the morning (about 4 hours). I ended up telling him that I've lost hope and give up. It's up to him to do anything about our relationship. I was crying a lot and I felt really low. I don't ever want to fall in love again. It hurts too much. I love Aaron and it makes me want to crawl to bed and never get back up. I hate it! I set him free. I let him go. I don't know if he'll be back. I don't know if I want him to be.
May 19, 1995
Aaron showed up and paid me for the tire. Then he left again after reading my letter, liking it and telling me I'll get one too. Jenny got bit by a dog and I reported it. Then Aaron came back - he had problems with his brakes. I was almost a hour late for work. Michael asked me about Aaron and if he's the reason I won't go out with him, except for friends. I told him yes. I told him about the trouble I've got and what's going on in my mind about Aaron. I wouldn't mind going out with Michael. He's 26, good looking, responsible and trustworthy, but there's Aaron and I love Aaron - still!! As long as there's a chance for me and Aaron, I won't go out with anyone.
May 20, 1995
Aaron was still at the house when I got home. He laid in bed next to me and I slept like a rock. Now I'm at work again and Aaron is sleeping. Aaron and I and the others watched a movie. Aaron got drunk.
May 21, 1995
Aaron had spent the night again and he was buzzed. Something bugs me with Aaron. If it's not dope, it's alcohol. He does something almost daily. It sucks! After work Joe came to the store and he said Aaron wanted us to come out to Tooele and rescue his butt. We wasted 2 hours cause they were already back in SLC. Anyway, we're gonna watch Milk Money and get drunk.
May 22, 1995
Michael keeps talking about how he likes me and that I look good. Maybe I should be getting to know him a little better. He's a heck of a lot more responsible than Aaron. Maybe I'll have a talk with Aaron or maybe I should just wait till he's older. We'll see. Aaron and I had a serious talk. He doesn't want to lose me. He said he'll never do crack again (that's what he did yesterday) and he'll slow down with the rest too. I told him that next time it won't be up to him - I'll just break up with him. He said he can't lose me.
May 23, 1995
Aaron and I were laying in bed and Joe said "There is an England Truck out front". You should've seen us get out of bed. Tonight I got really drunk at the Sandy Station and at home I just fell to bed. I got out of doing anything with John.
May 24, 1995
Today I spent running around with John
May 25, 1995
John and I went to the Westerner for my singing contest. I did pretty good this time. John is going to leave early tomorrow morning.
May 28, 1995
Aaron showed up at my work. He was still mad at everyone. After work, drove to his house because Willy heard him on the CB. He was trying to fix it. I asked him to go with me to the Sandy Station, but he didn't want to. I was trying to help him out, give him some advice about his car, but he just got mad. He went in the house and I ended up taking off to the Sandy Station to sing. I was depressed on my way home and even more so when Aaron pulled up. I got really drunk. Aaron ended up talking to me and we ended up making up.
May 29, 1995
Today was a good day. Aaron went with his family for a while. After work we came back to my house, watched a movie (Aaron drank a beer) and went to bed. I threw up this morning. I think I'll slow down drinking.
May 30, 1995
Today was great. At first I drove Aaron and Eric to Intermountain. Eric is not very smart academic wise. Then we ran some more errands and went back home. Aaron went to his brother Tim and I went to the Sandy Station. I tried drinking a white Russian, but it didn't taste good. I made up my mind not to drink anymore. When I got home, Aaron was already there. It's funny, cause he said the talk with Tim made him think and he's not going to drink or do drugs anymore. I feel great. Now I'm gonna have my wish come true and I'll have my old drug and alcohol free Aaron back. I'm happy. I found a new song to sing tonight: "Watch me" from Lorrie Morgan.
May 31, 1995
Aaron left to get his car done and he said he might not come back, but he did. He fixed his brakes at the house. Later we watched "War". We laughed so much and it was so much fun. I found 2 rolls of toilette paper in the girls' room.
June 1, 1995
Aaron left shortly after we got up and I finished cleaning my basement. I finally got my room downstairs back. Thomas is out. Dawn's in the girls' room. Dale is out and Brandon is in Jim's room. Brandon is mad at me cause I got mad at him for going in my room and leaving it unlocked. He took off and isn't back yet. Aaron wasn't supposed to spent the night tonight, but he came back after all. He brought me a rose, but it broke on accident. He's so cute. He brought his Escort engine over to rebuild it. I can actually feel that he loves me. I still have money problems, but I'll work it out. Willy had problems with Karen again. I want him out of her class. I did a room-search in the girls' room and found corn on the cob in Gina's stuff. She also had my lipstick.
June 2, 1995
Aaron was still asleep when I left this morning. By the time I came home, they had left to go to Highland High. He came back later and we played Monopoly on the Nintendo and watched an erotic movie "Exit to Eden". It was rated R, but was pretty explicit. I told Aaron that I really believe this relationship is meant to be. My Tarot cards even told me so. Aaron told me that Ouija board told him he would have a girlfriend before summer. I really feel sad for John, for I know he's gonna be hurt when it comes to the break, but part of this is his fault for being such an endless grouch and changing so drastically after we got married and I knew it was going to end no matter what. He just didn't want to listen and be the guy again I met.
June 3, 1995
I had to work today. I feel so close to Aaron. He's so wonderful. Aaron came to my work and hung out for a little while. This evening we were starting to watch a movie, but decided to go to sleep.
June 4, 1995
While I was at work, Aaron, Dawn and Eric went swimming. Then they came to the store and Dawn told me that Aaron kept on saying he wished I was there. How sweet. Aaron and I went to the Sandy Station tonight and sang two songs together. It was great. The kids left today. Shauna was - like always - way overdressed, with a long dress. She doesn't look that good anymore. She gained weight and she had a ton of make-up on. Probably trying to cover up wrinkles that can't be covered up. Oh well! Aaron and I played some Nintendo and laid down at midnight. I'm just wondering if this is lasting love or if it will end soon.
June 4, 1995
This will be Aaron and my last night together until John is leaving again. He'll be here sometime tomorrow. I'm terrified of how it's going to be when I can't hold or kiss Aaron whenever I want to.
June 7, 1995
Gerhard talked to me today and put me down. He said I was living in a dream world. Aaron told me to tell him he's a loser.
June 8, 1995
Today I drove Aaron to work and picked him back up too. In between I did some bills. Tonight we met Eric's Ex, Bonny. Aaron's been acting strange ever since she got here and he was looking at her like he liked what he saw. I told him that later and he said he just looked at her cause Eric described her as real ugly and she wasn't that bad looking.
June 9, 1995
We were drinking a little tonight. All I had though was a beer and a cooler. Aaron drank about 5 beer.
June 10, 1995
Today Aaron drove me to work after we went to the Southtown Mall for 1/2 hour. He was supposed to pick me up, but never showed up. After Brandon got his tire fixed he drove Dawn and me home. We were worried about Aaron, so I called jail and Brandon called hospitals. At around midnight Aaron called. He had messed around with his bike and "forgot" where time went! Anyway, I was pretty bummed out and hurt. After I told Aaron he was depressed also. He said his day didn't go very good. We ended up making up. I had a long talk with Brandon about his lying. Maybe this time I got through to him. I bought a rug today for $45,-. It's really pretty. It's for when John and I won't be together anymore. I am putting it in storage.
June 11, 1995
Today I woke up depressed and didn't want to go to work. Now I feel fine. I'm trying to catch up on my paperwork.
June 12, 1995
John is going to come home soon, cause of an abscessed tooth. He also said he wanted to go back to Temples cause he doesn't make enough money driving. I hope this won't happen, cause then I couldn't be with Aaron as much anymore. Plus I think it wouldnít last long until I'd go crazy and leave him if he was to be home all the time. I can't even imagine having to share the house with John all the time again. That would be so hard. Well, I guess I just have to wait and see. Tonight Aaron and I were talking about this. Aaron kind of brought the point across to break up with John. I think Aaron would stay with me if I would. But I can't - not yet.
June 13, 1995
Well, John came home this afternoon. I have absolutely no feeling left for him. He's just like a friend I see every now and then, but don't care a whole heck of a lot about. I'm glad I have my period and can use that to avoid sex. I pulled away when he was touching me on my leg. I told him it tickled, but I just didn't want to be touched. I had to think of Aaron and what he was doing , the whole time I was at Club Max. When we got home, the police had been there, cause of Gina. Gina is leaving ASAP. Aaron and Eric were thrown out by the cops and they threatened Willy and Jim. Aaron came back though and it was really hard not being able to even sit close to him.
June 14, 1995
This morning I woke Aaron up. I got a sort of hug and a little kiss. Tonight I told John I was going to the spa, so I could see Aaron. I do feel a little sorry for John. I'm gonna hurt him bad when I leave. I can't help it though. My love diminishes more and more. Every now and again, when he acts nice, I can still feel love for him, but it's rare and I never felt as passionate toward him as I should anyhow.
June 15, 1995
John said he was leaving today, so I got off of work. 1/2 hour early and canceled the Community College. Now he's not going after all. It's so hard to have to be with John and pretend. I told him I'm gonna have my period till Friday or Saturday so he wouldn't want more than a hug and a peck. I love the way Aaron loves me. Gina left today.
June 16, 1995
Everyone thought John was leaving today, but again he didn't. He's leaving in the morning for sure though. I was laying on Jenny's bed with Aaron tonight and he said I'm too desperate, cause it's not good with John in the house. Fuck John! Aaron is awfully young, but it'll be a while before I know it's true and not too good to be true anyhow.
June 17, 1995
I just found out that Aaron smoked pot earlier today. Rod told me. I wonder if he's ever gonna quit. He's not going to be able to find a good job if he doesn't quit. and I'm not willing to make any sort of commitment unless he's drug free and has a lasting job. Maybe Gerhard is right. Maybe I live in a dream world.
June 18, 1995
Aaron makes me feel so loved. He tells me I'm pretty and he tells me I'm wonderful. He says we're prefect with each other and we are. I just wish he would stay away from pot and find a job, then he would be perfect too. He's gonna go job-hunting with me tomorrow.
June 19, 1995
Aaron didn't get out of bed this morning, so I went by myself. I've got the job at APS and I'm working for Kennecott. I'm gonna make $7,-/hr and work 40 hours Mo thru Fr. I love it! I'm gonna be a Security Guard and make Mega-bucks. I'm upset with Aaron. It's 7 pm and I haven't seen him yet. Oh well! I got Montana on the CB today and we met at Sinclair. He gave me a hug. Gosh I haven't seen him in ages. He's probably gonna stop by Sinclair tomorrow to see me. He's still cute. It's his birthday today, so he's Gemini. If I wouldn't have anyone, I'd go out with him. I know he thinks I'm cute, cause he said so. I wish Aaron would show up, so I could tell him my good news!
June 20, 1995
Last night Aaron said he had a toothache, but yet he stayed up 'till 3 am and when I put my arm around him he said "please don't". He also said he was gonna sleep at his Mom's house today and tomorrow and then go camping with his family over the weekend. I guess with me starting to work graveyards, I won't see him around much anymore. Maybe that's better anyway. Maybe I'll stay married to John until I've got everything done (pay bills of etc.) I want to do and then lead a single life. I know I can do it and I don't want to be hurt anymore. It seems like no one loves the way I do. I don't know what's going to happen from here, but I still hope everything's gonna work out.
June 21, 1995
I went to Club Max last night and met some real interesting people. I might start being an extra in the movies. I also met a guy that does horoscopes - complete ones and he said that even though he's cancer we would get along great, cause his rising sign is Capricorn. Elaine, a girl that also does horoscopes, is going to give me a call today and give me a lady's # who does Tarot. Aaron was supposed to be at my house before I got there. He didn't get there until 3 am. I was asleep. I told him how disappointed I was. He said some excuse about Joe, but oh well. Elisabeth introduced me to a bunch of cute guys yesterday. It was funny.
June 23, 1995
Aaron came home today, but I didn't find out until I called over there. Then he says he MIGHT come out. Didn't he miss me at all? That's the first thing I would've done is go see him! I feel like such a fool. Later when Dawn called they were still over there saying they weren't coming out. I told her to tell him not to come out no more at all if he doesn't come by tonight. If he cares that little about me he can kiss my ass. I already have one guy who doesn't give a damn. I don't need another one!
June 24, 1995
Aaron and I broke up tonight. I wanna try to make my marriage work out after all, cause John is a good guy and is now willing to work on our relationship.
June 25, 1995
I found out that Aaron never left to go camping. But I should care less. I'm gonna go singing tonight. I bought a Video camera today and picked up my layaway that I had put away for leaving John.
June 26, 1995
Last night every song I sang was sad. I sang "When will I be loved", "I fall to pieces", etc. A lot of times I got tears in my eyes, but I didn't cry. I feel a little better today. I wrote Aaron a letter. I want to talk to him today and give it to him. I want to be friends. I miss him. Debbie was there too. She acted like her son didn't die. I didn't make it to the funeral this morning cause of my appointment. I hope I pass the drug screen, cause I drank a couple of drinks last night.
June 27, 1995
Last night I saw Aaron and we talked for hours. He still loves me a lot. I held him for a while, but we didn't do nothing else. I hope I'm not making a mistake with John. I hope he'll really change. If not, I'm gonna get a divorce right away and maybe I can get back with Aaron sooner or later. It's still hard though. I would love to be closer to him then what I can. I finished renovating the bathroom.
June 28, 1995
Aaron acted like a little child today. At first they were supposed to be at my house around 9:30 - 10 pm, but they didn't show up until 11 pm. I told him that we only had 2 hours to party before I had to go to bed. He was already pissed at someone. Well, he left, came back and left again. Derrick, Sky and Travis came over for a few minutes too. I liked Travis right away. I don't know why, but I did. He'd look cute too if he'd shave his beard off. I'm gonna sing for 20 minutes at the State Fair on September 11.
June 29, 1995
Orientation was fun and went fast. I talked to Aaron about the Tarot reading. Aaron cried. He said it's so hard for him dealing with John. He also said that he missed my touch and that he loved me. We're gonna go to Ouija board tomorrow to find out what he has to say.
June 30, 1995
I went to work this morning and worked with Duggen and John. They're both pretty cute. It was kind of fun, even though Joe tried to make me work all weekend. I don't have to be there until Sunday though. After work I packed everything up, picked up Aaron, Eric and went to Bear Lake.
July 1, 1995
We had so much fun today, even though it was a little cool and cloudy. In the afternoon Aaron helped me put towels all around the van to make it dark cause I had a headache. Then Aaron got drunk. I'm wondering how things are gonna be when John is coming back. I love Aaron but I don't want to go through another divorce.
July 2, 1995
This morning we all went swimming. At 1 pm we left to go back home. I'm at work now. Aaron helped me clean the van out. Aaron is gonna be home when I get off. I can't wait to see him.
July 3, 1995
I only had 3 hours of sleep this morning. John is coming home tomorrow. Aaron was a little different again today. I guess he doesn't know how to handle Johnís return. I can understand this, cause I don't either. I don't want to get a divorce, and Who knows what life will bring after. I do want to get my Tarot read by a professional or at least go to Oujiboard. Tonight, after work, I was talking to Aaron on the CB and I was going to Sinclair to get a movie. Afterward, he wasn't on. I found Brandon at Derrickís, Aaron was racing by and then said he was going somewhere alone. Well, he fucked up our last night.
July 4, 1995
Well, John came home today. I almost started crying when I compared John to Aaron. I miss Aaron already. John came with me to find the guys. John seems to like Aaron. We found him and Eric at Derrickís. We were going to go to the Fireworks in Sugarhouse - all of us, but then we spotted fire at the Roosevelt Elementary School and I filmed it, called the Channel 4 and they told me to come down, which we did. They bought it for $50. We went home to tape the news. That was more important then the fireworks. They even mentioned my name. Now I'm at work. I kind of wish Aaron would be at the house in the morning. I still love him. I sort of feel love for John, but it's totally different. I can't imagine making love to him again. He just doesn't turn me on.
July 5, 1995
This evening everyone came to my house. Aaron and I left to bring the Video back to Sinclair. Then we went to Fred Meyers, so I could read him my Tarot reading. Well, we just of a sudden got an eerie feeling and I left right away. At first I thought something was wrong with my kids, but that quieted down. Anyway, we celebrated Jim's 18th Birthday. I didn't tell him Happy Birthday all day and then this evening we all came in with a cake singing Happy Birthday. He was so surprised. Aaron and I hugged and I did get a goodnight kiss. I talked to John about getting an operation so I can get pregnant again and he don't mind. I want to quit smoking, drinking and I want to lose some weight before the operation.
July 6, 1995
I went to the Westerner and sang "18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses" today. I was so nervous that I would fuck up like the last time and forgot the text, that my voice quivered. I left early, cause I knew I wasn't gonna win anyway. Aaron was already at the house with everyone when we got back. Aaron went in the room and I heard from Dawn that he was gonna leave because of what John said and that Eric wanted to leave too. I got upset, started yelling at John, telling him that if I lose my friends over him, I'm leaving too. Anyway, he said he was sorry and told everyone else that he was sorry and I told everyone to quit acting different, just because John is around. Then John went to bed and I talked to Aaron for a while. It's so hard when you're married and you love someone else!
July 7, 1995 John went to APS today and got the job. Last night, Aaron told me for the second time not to French kiss John. Aaron and I got a date on Sunday. We went to Fairmount Park and Derrick told me that he liked me. Well, I think he's cute and all, but I'm already in a big enough mess between Aaron and John. I don't need more trouble. John and I are not gonna last long, cause now I can't say anything anymore, without him taking it totally serious and him getting upset.
July 8, 1995
I've felt sick today and laid down for a little bit this evening, after Brandon and Dawn and I got back from the mall. I finally bought the license-plate thing I've been wanting to buy: "Everyone needs Sunshine in their life". I like it. This evening, I was going to meet Aaron, but he was at Ivo's and no one would open the door. We picked up Sky and Travis and went back to Ivo's and Aaron was gone. He wasn't on the CB neither. That kind of made me mad. Travis looks pretty good without beard. He doesn't look that young either. I just seen a cute guy here at work too. We talked for a minute and he's interested in Psychology too. Well, even though I'm gonna miss Aaron endlessly, I'm thinking about completely breaking up with him. All he is is a lazy ass drug addict anyway, who doesn't care who's feelings he hurts!
July 9, 1995
Aaron came over today with Ben and I gave him my reading, the letter and the poem. I asked him how come no one opened the door at Ivo's yesterday and he said he went for a walk to 7-11 and then left. Well, this evening we spent 2 hours together talking. I just can't seem to stay away from him. Later, we were trying to find the others (they ditched us) and I went home. John was sitting on the couch all gloomy, with the lights out. Willy says he's still mean when I'm gone. I made up my mind to quit smoking and drinking (except for a cooler every now and then) and lose another 10 lbs (be at 190) by the end of the year. I also want to get a little away from the Mountain Dew. Then I'm gonna get my tubes untied. Dawn is anorexic and bulimic. We talked about this last night, after everyone got to my house. She's gonna try to quit it.
July 10, 1995
Today I stayed home all day. I slept until 2 pm, cleaned the house and sang. Aaron left around 4 pm. He drove me for a refill first though. I still haven't done anything with John. He seems to get upset, so I guess I'll have to give in soon. Work is cool. I can catch up with all my writing. I like it! Tonight, I'm gonna create a smoke chart (log). I want to slowly quit and be without by the end of November. I'm also gonna record everything else I do. Sort of like at work. I couldn't get a hold of Aaron tonight. I kind of hope he'll be at the house in the morning.
July 11, 1995
How I wish the right man would propose
It has to be really romantic and it has to be in front of people. He should have an engagement ring to propose and he should have picked the ring out without my knowing, by watching my reaction when I look at things like that. At the time of proposal, he should have a date in mind at least 6 months, but not more than a year away from the proposal. He also should give me a red rose right before his proposal. The proposal should either be at a nice romantic restaurant, after dinner or at a casual party with friends, or something like that. In case of the restaurant scenario, he should tell the employees and have one of them take pictures. In the case of the party scenario, he should let all of the people know what kind of party it is beforehand. He should propose by going on one knee in front of me and asking like in the movies. There should be something to toast with afterward. It doesn't have to be anything alcoholic. Someone should take pictures. this is my dream-proposal. No man has ever proposed to me. It was either just talked about or I've been casually asked. This would be the perfect proposal!
01:58 I need to think about a reward for the smoking other than the operation. Same thing for the 190 lb goal and the Mtn. Dew goal. Just thinking about the Mtn. Dew. I need to substitute this with something healthy, nothing bad. I can drink water, milk, juice, tea without caffeine. I also want to keep losing weight once I reached the 190 lb goal.
What kind of material things do I want in my life?
A boat to water-ski with, a complete computer set-up, a scanner (police), a house that was build after my taste, a horse, a motorcycle, a big screen TV and a wall unit to go with it, an old fashioned desk, new bedroom-furniture, a new VCR and better equipment for singing.
How I would like to spend a honeymoon
I would like to go to Europe for 4 weeks. My first stop would be my parents where I would drop the kids off. I would buy Inter-rail tickets and tour Europe with my new husband. I would show him all the places I know and like and I would go everywhere I always wanted to go. I would want to show him Bavaria and the Black Forest. I would want to go to Berlin and see my families' old castle. I would want to show him him Paris, Barcelona, Venice, Rome, Salzburg, Vienna and I would want to see London, Greece, Turkey and the upper countries like Holland, Finland, Sweden, etc. I also would like to go to Marokko. It would be an activity filled honeymoon, but with plenty of time to make elaborate, wild love and enjoy being married.
02:45 I'm gonna relax for a few minutes in the other chair. I don't know why, but I'm tired.
What rooms I want in my dream home
Upstairs (roof): Master bedroom and bathroom occupying the two right windows and two back windows too. In the master bathroom I'll have two sinks and a dividing wall to the toilette and a bathtub with one of those sliding glass doors. It's gonna be in Mickey Mouse style. The master bedroom is all in blue with a California King-size waterbed and romantic pictures and candles on the wall and walk-in closets. The downstairs has a huge living room also in blue to the right of the door, all the way to the back of the house. On the left is a family room with the stereo etc. and the back (halfway) is the poolroom. On the 2nd floor is the kitchen to the right front, the dining room to the right back, the bathroom (middle front - in Mickey Mouse colors also) and to the left are two bedrooms. Upstairs to the left is another bedroom. There is an unfinished basement with the water-heater, furnace and storage space. The garage is a two-car garage. I will also have David's drum set in the family room with sort of like a stage. That's the inside of my home.
How my dream-wedding looks like
I want to wear a real pretty white dress. Maybe I can even get married somewhere outside on a mountain or somewhere else pretty. I want to be able to say my own vows. Then horse and buggy picks us up and we go on to a huge party with live music. Me and my fresh husband will sing the battle hymn of love together and dance the first dance together. The party is gonna be ALL of our friends invited and we'll have a real pretty cake. I would also want a bridal shower which I never had before. The party would last 4 hours. Then a limo would take us to the airport and we'd go on a 4-week honeymoon.
Feelings of love
If I'm really in love, I cannot stand the though of ever losing that person. I miss him when he's not around and I try to make as much time as possible for him without ending up robbing myself of my freedom. I want to do things with him, talk to him, touch, hug, and kiss him and spend time alone with him. I do everything and anything for him possible. I care about him and sometimes I worry about him. I compromise and I try to do and look my best for him. I try to understand his concerns and put myself in his shoes. I want him to participate in my activities and I try to enjoy his. I try to make him feel good. I help him out and I'd do anything to keep the love alive. All I expect from him in return is to love me just as much and respect me, my wishes and my feelings.
Brainstorming, guide word: future
Love, new marriage. Baby girl, nice house. I want to be with Aaron - happy with Aaron. I want to be loved and be sure about it. Keep my job. David is good. Hope no troubles with Jenny. She's cute - Jenny is. David too. Hope they have a good future, go to college, no drugs, no law-legal problems. Love them. John - hard. Has to get up soon. Call. Hope Aaron is there. Sleep in same bed maybe, miss having him there - much so. Eric, Dawn Brandon - friends. Derrick is ok. Funny, hand hurts. Write too fast. Wish it was 8. I'm tired. Wonder if I see that cute guy again - the psychologist/architect one. Like talking to him. Immediate liking toward him. Good looking. Hug up on Aaron. Never cheat on him. Sex and John - hard to mix. Like Dad. Go home sleep at least 6 hours. No refill only one cigarette. Aaron will be surprised. Show all of them what I can do. Lose weight too. Look good and sexy. Already can be sexy. Time to stop now. People coming. Quit!
06:20 I'm gonna start putting things away and wait for 8 to come. I'm not so tired anymore. I'm gonna write a new DAR and then rest for the last little bit. I'm gonna draw some flowers.
07:58 Got home. John is gone. Brandon is here, but Aaron is not... too bad! 14:13 I made up my mind not to contact Aaron today. I'm always the one contacting him. He never calls me anymore. I don't like that. I'm gonna make him miss me a little too. At least I wanna see if he's going to.
14:19 The cigarette I smoked lasted 6 minutes. Wow! Seems like I always smoke right before I go to bed and right after I wake up. I'm gonna avoid smoking in bed and tonight when I go singing I'm gonna try not to smoke so much.
Well, Aaron wasn't at the house and John was back home by 8:30 am. I went to Club Max to sing tonight and I had a good chance of winning the contest, but you had to be there to win and I had to leave cause of work. Aaron called me around 6 pm today. I was glad to hear form him. Tonight I'm depressed. I decided to live my life and my life only. If people want to call or see me that's fine, but there will be no more effort on my side.
00:00 Already at work and already started drinking a 62 oz Mtn. Dew refill. I'm working at the Kennecott Refinery with American Protective Services. Right now I'm on Post 11 I live at 5291 W. Mountain Men Drive in Kearns, UT 84118. 00:18 I ate 3 Saltine Crackers just because they were there.
00:35 Eating 5 more Saltine Crackers, cause I want to delay smoking a cigarette.
00:40 I really feel like having a cigarette right now, but really would like to wait 10 more minutes.
00:50 Was able to wait, but feel I deserve a cigarette now.
00:54 I smoked the cigarette within 4 minutes, while I was walking around outside. Thought about how I could slow down on smoking and how to improve my health otherwise. I think this log is a good idea, cause it makes you really think about what you're doing. My knee was hurting a little while I was walking around.
01:20 Eating 5 more crackers - just because I want to have some more. I guess so I have something to do. I want to weigh myself tomorrow at Smith's so I know if I make progress or not.
July 12, 1995
03:00 Just got done writing Aaron a sob letter. For some reason I'm really depressed! I want to be single again and never get married again. People change when they get too close. John isn't romantic at all and he seems to try to control me. I wish he would find himself a girlfriend and leave me. Sometimes I really feel like having a fatal accident. I think Doug would take care of David and Jenny well enough, but who knows. I still know I can do a better job than he can and they need me - still! I don't think Aaron is old enough to know what real love is. I don't think I've ever had a person love me as I love besides maybe Paul. I can even remember part of the address where he lived, but I crushed his love with a bulldozer. Now I'm paying for it for the rest of my life.
03:15 I just thought about a 302 tank blowing up. Puff and all my problems would be gone. No one would really care except for David and Jenny anyway. If John would care, he would know what I've been doing - he could tell and if Aaron would care, he would be around more. I decided that I'm not gonna write Aaron another letter after the one that I just wrote, nor will I call him, or go out there without being asked to. I don't want to be a pest. I need to stay away. If he really does love me, he'll start doing more if I quit. I wish I was really loved by some man. So much that he wouldn't leave me alone, that he would do all the things I do when I'm in love. I want to be truly deeply loved!
03:40 Well, right when I left, the phone rang. By the time I got there, whoever called hung up. I wonder if it was Aaron, but I doubt it. It was probably someone at the Main Gate, trying to play a joke on me. I would like to meet the guy who wrote Bryan Adams' song "Have you ever really really loved a woman", cause he speaks from my heart.
04:00 I found a book at post 11 "Travelo" and it seems to be interesting and Iím gonna read a little now. Before I do this though, maybe I should try to be content with John, even if I don't love him like a husband anymore. At least he's in my life and he makes money and is drug free.
05:55 A few minutes ago I almost got caught sleeping on the job. I was reading when I fell asleep. I woke up from the talking on the CB. I'm getting ready for post-change.
06:03 I'm back on post 11 and already went to the bathroom. I think being alone in the night makes me gloomy, cause I feel a little better. I want someone running after me for a change.
06:11 Boy I need some good sleep. Every time I'm on post 12, I end up falling asleep. Post 11 isn't comfortable enough and it's definitely more dangerous to get caught. I'm out of drinks and I'm thirsty. I guess I'll go inside and get me some water before everyone gets here.
06:17 I'm not going to get a refill on the way home. I can drink water at home. I'm already used to drinking water. It would be nice to get along with one refill already. Maybe I can be off of Mtn' Dew within a week or two. I wonder if anyone will ever read all of this and if so, I wonder just how bad that person is gonna think I was, or how dumb I was. Actually I'm pretty smart compared to the average American and I'm not that bad of a person either. I'm glad this night is almost over with. I'm gonna draw a little. This way time will go by faster, since I don't know what to write anymore. I wish one of my ancestors would've kept a diary. It would be so interesting to read about someone elseís worries and fears. Maybe some of it would be comparable to what I'm going through. Maybe Oma felt like this once - who knows!
12:34 John woke me up because of some stupid story about Rod pointing a gun at Carols neighbor.
06:15 John got pissed, cause I told him he kept cutting me off on the Video. Stupid! Dawn gave me the stamps earlier and I'm going grocery shopping.
19:55 Got done putting all the groceries away. Now I'm heading to the east side to see what everyone is doing. John doesn't wanna come.
22:05 Just got back home. I guess Aaron went to Mindy's house with Eric , Sunny and some guy named Colby. Dawn and Brandon broke up again. After Aaron left, I hung around Texaco for a little while with Derrick and Brandon. Derrick told me a little about the police force. He kept on trying to turn me on by touching me on my neck. I showed Brandon the letter I wrote for Aaron.
I met up with Aaron tonight. He was going with Mindy, Colby, Eric and Sunny. He said he would call tonight and maybe be at the house in the morning. I will give him the letter I wrote right before he leaves the house and after that I will not contact him anymore. Derrick was trying to turn me on today by messing with my neck. I bet he's good in bed and he's cute too. He was talking to me about his work today and how he goes to school for the police force. That's cool! I want to do that too, but I need my EMT first.
July 13, 1995
Well, no one was at the house this morning and I didn't hear from anyone at all tonight. John works at Bravo Gate. That's cool cause we can talk to each other on the phone all the time. I actually had a little fun with him today. We looked at that house for sale on 5600 West. It's 199,000.-but it's 3 acres. I'm gonna get my papers for my US citizenship tomorrow. If I'm serious about police-work, which I am, I might as well get started now. Aaron called me at work at 2:30 am. He said he'll come out tomorrow. We'll see!
July 14, 1995
I feel left out. Neither Aaron nor Brandon were at home last night and I haven't heard from them all day. But that's ok, cause I have made up my mind to really make my marriage work. I have the power to do this, cause I know John loves me - I just need to make him care more. I've got everything figured out; tomorrow I'm going to Immigration services to get the paperwork to get my citizenship. I'm gonna get that done, start school for EMT in September. That gives me my EMT by January. After that I'm gonna start school to get into the police-force. One year before I'm done, I'm gonna have a baby (of course I have to get the operation first). At that time, or shortly before, (after we paid some bills off), we're gonna buy us a piece of land. After the Baby is one year old and I graduated school, I look for work which fits to Johns schedule, so one of us will always be with the kids. Plus, David will be old enough to baby-sit if I need him to and I will be able to pay him, cause I will be making good money. Then we'll start building the house that I've been wanting. I can make my marriage work. I just have to force John into helping me making it work! I'm gonna finish Aarons picture and then I'm gonna write him another letter.
03:10 I finished Aaron and John's pictures. Now I just have to draw one for Brandon. But I want to write in my diary first and I want to write Aaron another letter.
07:45 Got Brandon's picture done too. Waiting for my release. Heard that John got to Bravo Gate over the CB.
Just like I thought. Aaron ditched me again. Brandon got into an accident, but he's fine. I ended up going to the East side and I talked to Aaron. He said he'll still come out. He did!
July 15, 1995
I talked to Aaron all night and this morning after John went to work. I was pretty cold and when he left and kissed me I didn't respond. After my talk he'll probably won't be back for a while.
July 16, 1995
When I got up at noon, Aaron was sitting there on the couch. I was so surprised to see him. He was still there when I came back from Sandy Station.
I just got through reading Aaron's old letters. I miss the times so much when we were so close. He had promised me so much about slowing down with the dope etc. I pushed him away yesterday. Not physically, but mentally. It hurt, but not as much as it would've a few weeks ago. I still love him a lot, but I cannot be with him the way he is right now and I'm still married. I don't know anymore if I'll ever get a divorce. I guess I'll see how he acts when the kids are back. Right now I actually feel happy with him sometimes. Today Derrick told me he liked me a lot and he thought I was cute. I kind of like him too, but I don't know him well enough to really say. Besides, he's going out with Dawn and I donít think I would ever do anything with anyone who's been with her unless he was checked for HIV 6 months after their relationship. She's too scary for my taste. Right now I feel I've gained a new friend and I would like to build on that. I would like to get Aaron back with him having a job and drug-free. I would be in heaven. I feel I've lost him a little as a friend too, cause he's never around anymore. It's really sad.
July 17, 1995
Aaron spent the night last night. He left this afternoon right before I went back to bed. He took Willy for a few community service hours. Colby was caught sniffing gas by Aaron and Willy. I guess he'll be at my house longer than 2 month.
July 18, 1995
Aaron called me this afternoon. I told him I was coming out there later. I called Derek and he asked me to come over. After I was done cleaning I went up there and met Mindy. She was with Aaron and I'm somewhat jealous. Derek took me to his house later. It's pretty. Not as nice as everyone said it was though. I like Derek's son Taylor. He's so cute. Derek seems to be romantic. I like that.
The fixation - Aaron
I know he does bad things and is 10 years younger than I. I know I shouldn't give him anything so I don't encourage his not getting a job. And I really try to follow through, but it only works in my mind. Most of the time, when I see him, all my intentions fall to pieces and I give in. It's getting a little easier to follow through, but I still don't follow through all of the time. And every time I see him, I would like to get a hug and a kiss. I miss his touch and his kisses so much. Anymore though, I don't know if I could be happy with him, 'cause he misses a lot of things that I'm looking for in a man. I want a guy to be proud of me being his girl and I want to be treated like a lady. I guess Aaron doesn't know how.
03:45 I'm glad David and Jenny are coming back home this weekend, even though I have to wait another week for the Bear Lake trip. That way I can take them though. I really missed David a lot. I missed Jenny too. I hope Jenny isn't going to go the wrong path when she grows up. I'm really scared about that. With David I'm pretty sure that he'll be even better than I was when I was younger. He's such a neat and smart kid. Well, Jenny might be like me and get smarter as she gets older. I really hope so. I wonder how the two will react when I tell them that I want another baby. I want it to be born in October too. It would be neat if it would be born on October 6th. If it's a girl, I want it to be Cassandra Faye. If it's a boy, I want him to be Michael something. When I get my citizenship, I might change my name to Monica Luise Sunshine White. I would like to put the Sunshine in somewhere and I want to change the k in Monika to a c, so I don't have to spell my name all the time.
July 19, 1995
I saw Aaron again tonight. I went up there. Derek was with Andrea and Dawn was mad. I gave Brandon a letter I wrote and went back to Aaron's house. He was working on his car. He said he's not hanging around people so much anymore. he's not doing pot anymore and he's gonna get a job. Hahahaha!
24:00 Well, I'm back at work. Earlier I went to L&L Texaco and met Brandon and Aaron. Aaron was with Mindy and I got to meet her. She is pretty and I'm jealous. I don't know how much she means to him, but I feel like she's slowly taking my place in his life and it hurts, even though I know I need to let go. At least for a while. Derek has a really nice room and he seems to be romantic. I like his parents. His son Taylor is really cute. He seems to be a really good Daddy. In a way, I kind of life Derek. I'm glad I've found a new friend too, cause I can keep my mind off of Aaron a little. I need to get over him. He's no good. Not right now anyway. Maybe he'll be different in a couple of years, if he's not already taken by someone else by then. I really think I'm gonna end up having another divorce, but this time it'll be different, cause I've got a pretty good income and I've got friends to turn to. I hope Aaron and I are at least gonna stay close friends. As much as it hurts not being able to be close to him, I hate the thought of not being with him at all I've figured out the songs I'm gonna sing at the showcase.
01:30 I just got done writing to Derek and Brandon. Today I'm really depressed again. I wish I was dead. Nothing makes sense anymore. Maybe once I've lost some more weight some cute guy will come into my life and take me away. Maybe I'll find out if this Eric is still single. He's damn good looking and he's interesting. Well, I'm gonna smoke another cigarette shortly. What would be nice is a guy who'd be interested in seeing all of my stuff. John still hasn't looked through all of my pictures with me. If I could start a singing career, I'd probably have plenty of guys who'd like to treat me the way I want to be treated but who knows!
01:45 Gosh, I wish I wasn't so depressed. I hate myself for feeling this way!
02:30 Just got done talking to Edra on the phone. Her health is in pretty bad shape. I feel sorry for her. I just found the name out of one of the graveyard workers here. It's Bryan. I'm gonna draw a little now.
06:15 I know several people here now on graveyard. Marty and Bryan. On day-shift I know Eric and Rudolfo.
July 20, 1995
I haven't heard at all from Aaron today, but Derek called and told me he broke up with Dawn. Been drawing pictures. I went and saw Aaron while he was working on his car. He still thinks something is going to happen in August. I don't really care if it does. I kind of like John, but there's no real love. This marriage is boring and has long been dead. I played the song "Sometimes when we touch" to Aaron and he said "What are you going to make me cry now?" I told him I dedicated the song to him. I still love him so much. He says he really wants to quit the dope and wants to get a job. Well, I believe it when I see it. I don't know if he likes Mindy romantically - I just know that they're together a lot. I know too, that Aaron won't experience another love like I gave him - never! I'm different and I love differently from anyone else. He's going camping with me and John is going to stay home. It's so hard to live with one guy and love another, but it's even harder to break up.
Here is the text for: Sometimes when we touch
You asked me if I love you and I choke with my reply
I rather hurt you honestly then mislead you with a lie.
And who am I to judge you on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
But sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide. I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides
Romance and all its strategies leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurities, some tenderness survives
I'm just another singer, still trapped within my truth
At times I like to break through and hold you endlessly
At times I understand you cause I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you and I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister but then the passion flares again
I think Aaron knows why I dedicated this song to him. "Watch me" I dedicated to John cause the way it looks I will leave him one of these days.
03:55 I need to think positive thoughts. I fell pretty good again today. I don't know why I get so depressed on some days. I have to start thinking more positive.
July 21, 1995
I'm on post 11 first today. I took some bug-spray with me and it's working wonders. I can even leave the door open. I forgot my badge again today. Derek called me earlier and asked me if I would come out there tonight, or if he could come out to my house. I told him I had to work. He told me he broke up with Dawn. He said he'd call me later at work. I forgot my lighter and I have only 4 matches. So I guess I will only smoke 4 cigarettes tonight. Tonight I want to draw a picture for Derek, finish mine and write Derek a letter.
05:50 I guess I better write a little more about tonight. Derek called me at work around 01:30. We talked for a whole hour and I almost forgot to switch posts at 02:00. He's really interesting to talk to and he belongs to the Wiccan religion. Boy, I finally found someone whom I can talk to about this stuff. Maybe everybody makes him look worse than he really is. I will definitely give him a chance. He seems to like me a lot for whatever reason. I think he's cute and I like him, but I don't know him well enough to know any more than that. But I do want to get to know him a little better. I felt good talking to him. Maybe I'll have some money toward the end of the month to get my tarots read professionally and to get my complete horoscope. I'd love to. I need to find out where I stand with Aaron. Boy, now I get even more confused. In a way I really don't want to lose Aaron, but I think I already did anyway.
Today I went and found everyone at Brickyard. Aaron, Eric and Brandon definitely are going with me tomorrow. Derek might. Derek gave me several hugs today. He even hugged me in front of Andrea.
July 22, 1995
Well, well, another night at work. I was pretty gloomy earlier, but Derek cheered me up. I saw and talked to Aaron and Mindy drove up. Aaron talked about her going to Bear Lake too and us meeting her down there. That kind of got me depressed and then he went up to her house which got me more depressed again. I really feel like she took away my place in Aaron's life. She's always around and when she isn't, Aaron is with her. I really wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't cause we couldn't find him. I want to know what's going on and what Aaron feels and thinks. Anyway, the whole time I said I wanted for someone to run after me and well, I've got my wish. Derek calls me wanting me to come out there, asking me if he could come to my house, calling me at work and being with me when I'm over there. He also keeps telling me how nice he thinks I am and he hugs me (I love his hugs). He even kissed me on the back of my neck. I tell 'ya, he's the devil in disguise. He knows how to make a womanís heart beat faster. Something which really surprises me. He even gave me a big hug in front of Andrea, which I really didn't think he would do. I hope he can go camping with us. At least I would have someone there and I could get to know him a little better. It's easy for me to touch him and talk to him. It's really weird. Oh well, I'm gonna break my promise. I'm gonna write Aaron a letter tonight and I'll probably write another one to Derek and Brandon too.
16:15 Got to Bear Lake. We couldn't get a hold of Mindy. That means no Jet-ski's. Derek had to work so he couldn't go with. I talked to Aaron and I was right about our just being friends. We're cooking hot dogs.
We left at 11:00 am for Bear Lake. It's Aaron, Brandon, Eric, Colby and me. Once we've got there (Aaron drove) everyone went to sleep (how boring). Later Colby and I went swimming while the Lake had big huge waves. It was so cool. Then, tonight, we had a campfire. I gave Aaron my letter and he told me he didn't want a girlfriend right now. Later he got depressed and I got manic. What a mix.
July 23, 1995
09:50 Well, John was right. The cooler took all the battery power and the van won't start. Now we've got to find someone to jump-start us. It still does hurt somewhat to be so close to Aaron, but it does help to know what's going on.
09:55 We've got the Van started without jumper-cable. The battery charged itself. Anyway, yesterday was boring after Colby and I got out of the water. (That was sad though, cause the oncoming storm made the waves real high). Everyone just went to sleep. Later we went to the store and I tried to call Derek, but I couldn't reach him. Then I called John (for free) and talked to him for a little while. Afterward we went back to the campsite and build a fire. Aaron seemed depressed. He told me later he was thinking about life. I'm happy the way it is now, cause he's got too many problems right now. He might be going to jail Tuesday anyhow. He ended up sleeping in the van.
We came back from Bear Lake this afternoon. Everyone came to my house, including Derek. Derek wants to go back with Nikki.
July 24, 1995
Today was cool. I didn't go to bed until 4:30 am. This afternoon I picked up David and Jenny. Boy am I glad they're back and this evening we went to see the fireworks.
July 25, 1995
24:00 Well, here I am, back at work. I really don't know what to think about this weekend. It was pretty much fun at Bear Lake after all. It's just that I was manic about the things Aaron and I talked about. When we got home, I went to see Derek and we all ended up going to my house and talked to Derek for a long time. Derek was talking about getting things back together with Nikki. David and Jenny are back in my arms. Boy did they tell me stories. I guess Shauna told them that she didn't want me to pick them up cause I'm not allowed in West Virginia - what a joke! She cut both kids' hair and she yelled at them for telling me that she said bad things about me in front of them. They're not allowed to spent another night at grandma's for that reason. Doug thinks he's gonna get a whole month of child-support back, even though he didn't have them 2 month. Belogna! They were supposed to stay another 3 weeks. Then they were supposed to be home - at my door - between 10 and 12, but didn't show up until 3 pm. I had to pick them up from Denny's on 4500 South. Then Shauna's sister says she's not allowed to release them to anyone but me. Well, John is more to them than Cindy or Shauna for the fact since Shauna only sees them once a year. Next year I will tell Doug to make sure that HE will pick them up, cause I cannot release them to anyone but him. What a dipshit! Then Shauna asked the kids if they weren't embarrassed about my going singing, cause I was bad. What a bitch! I hope I make it big someday. Then she'll see bad! I don't understand why she has to be that way and I wish Doug would've married a different woman, maybe someone like Lorene. This evening we went to the fireworks. We left a little later then planed, so I couldn't get a hold of Aaron on the CB. Oh well, I guess I call tomorrow (today) when I wake up. Now I'm gonna write in the other diary, write a letter to Aaron and then write my new songs!
04:13 Things Aaron has taught me
He has taught me to stand straighter. I'm a lot more aware of my posture since I've met him and I've been correcting my posture a lot. I have a lot less problems with back-pain nowadays. I also feel prettier and younger since he came into my life and he taught me how important socializing can be for the well-being of your mental health. I didn't know how much love I could have for someone until he came along and how good communicating with someone you're close to is!
04:20 My Dream Man
Drug-free, legal, doesn't drink heavily, has a permanent job that he's satisfied with, good humored, sensitive, loves me a lot, loves my kids like he would his own, gives me respect, compromises, no beard, cute face, good figure, nice ass, good sex, can communicate, is willing to compromise, has own car, is faithful, doesn't yell all the time, doesn't get handy, likes to do things, is my height or taller, doesn't run from his problems, wants to self-improve, likes water and going camping, is young at heart (not more than 2 years older than me), doesn't sit in front of the TV all day long, likes singing and music, listens to me, is romantic, helps me clean the house, is interested in my life, in my singing, writing, my "stuff", likes to go places alone with me and I must love him - really love him, so do the kids.
Forgot about Krystal. Got a new Foster-kid. His name is John and he's pretty cool, even though he talks a lot. Willy gave me a Speaker-box to use. I tried to get Aaron to hook it up, but he just gave me an excuse. Derek asked me if I wanted him to do it. I guess I'll let Derek take care of it tomorrow. I get mad at Aaron easy lately. he was sitting so close to Mindy. Mindy keeps giving me dirty looks. What a bitch. I was first!
July 26, 1995
Back at work. Derek called me here. He was supposed to go to my house with Dawn and Brandon, but since Dawn is going out with Travis now and didn't want to go to my house, no one went. Derek is gonna hook up my speaker I've got from Willy tomorrow. I asked Aaron to and at first he said he would do it, but then he didn't. I found him at L&L in Mindy's van. Anymore, I change my mind daily. I told Aaron not to worry about telling me what's going on concerning about my note (I wish you would change your mind). I don't want an answer anymore. I know him a year now and sometimes I wish we would've never met, cause I've been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. Then there's Derek. I like him, but I'm leery about trusting him. I guess we're getting a little closer though. He calls and talks to me and when he has to break a commitment, he usually lets me know (except for the Bear Lake incident which I can understand). so at least he's reliable. That's more than what I can say about Aaron. I gave Aaron that old letter from July 3rd today. Aaron needs to grow up. I need to let him go. At least for now! I really really need to. It's just so hard.
02:55 Aaron had called. I talked to him for almost one hour. I told him how I felt. He told me again that the reason he wasn't with me was John.
Well, John Jr. is working out great. He bought me a rose today.
July 27, 1995
For some reason I feel really good today. John Jr. is working out great. Boy, he even bought me a rose today and tells everyone he adopted me as his Mom. Anyway, Aaron got my speaker-box hooked up after we woke up and it sounds great. Then I went to Derek's house. we watched Mask! I like being at Derek's house. It almost feels like I'm back at home in Germany. I actually feel comfortable being there and I really like spending time with Derek. I'm more content now about not being with Aaron anymore, too. I still don't know what the future holds though. Maybe I end up staying with John after all. He is a little better with the kids now - maybe it'll last. I guess I'll find out. As long as he lets me go places and he's starting to get a little social life, it might work. David told me a lot of things that Shauna said about my life. So many lies. Things she doesn't even know. I wonder if Doug actually lies to her, or if she just makes things up for her to look better. I really don't understand her. And if she does it cause she's jealous, I don't know why she is. The only thing I can think of is that she may be Mormon and live the life-style to the outside, but I'm the one with the big heart, I'm the one that's giving and I'm the one who has my children's love.
Derek came over when he brought Dawn home.
July 28, 1995
Back at work. Well, I bought this so I can write more than I can in my other diary, without having all those loose pages. I didn't hear from Aaron or Brandon all day. I didn't really miss Aaron at all today. That's new. I usually do if he's not around. I talked to Derek on the phone earlier and then, shortly before 9 pm, him Dawn, and Travis showed up at the house. I like Derek more and more. He's so much fun to be around and he makes me feel good. I was cleaning my room downstairs up earlier. I want to get organized with all of my personal stuff and I want it all downstairs, so if I ever have someone over who's really interested in my stuff, I don't have to go back and forth - it'll be right there. Earlier Bryan found a snake in the building. When we got there it was gone. I'm done with all the poems and started on rewriting my songs that are left. Aaron called around 3 am. He talked to Derek about me. I guess Derek asked how come Aaron didn't want to go out with me anymore. I'm gonna know shortly now if Derek is just talk or if he really wants to go out with me. I don't really know anymore what my answer would be if he was to ask me out. I really like him and I could imagine him kissing me, but Aaron's shadow is still in my heart. Then again, Derek is drug-free, has a job and seems to be really romantic, something I really like. Plus, I didn't run after him like I did Aaron and it feels good to get a hug from him - so secure. But I wonder from what he told me, if he ever gets violent. I wouldn't go through something like that. I'm so tired, I wonder how I can wake up. Maybe having another smoke will help. Well, I got to the post with Finder. I was supposed to be inside, but Garcia was there, so I relieved Wise on post 11 instead. John told me earlier that Davis told him (he heard it from Margret) that I'm having an affair with Derek. I'd like to know where they've got that from. The only possible explanation would be Dawn. How ignorant. The more I think about it, the more I think of staying with John. He is still ok with everyone. Maybe a little scare over his head actually helped. I guess I just take one day at a time. Maybe I can get John to cooperate and if nothing else, maybe I can just stay with him and have an emotional affair with someone. this could keep me going too. Well, we'll see! I finished changing my room downstairs and now all I have to do is the blood-type book. That's what I'm gonna do when I'm done with this. The ticket came out fine.
July 29, 1995
I'm gonna have to study these stupid names, so I can get my test done and actually pass it on Monday. I decided to get a little physical activity and sweep this filthy place! Gonna sweep the other side of the fishbowl too. I was just asked to work a hour overtime and I agreed. Then I'll go to John's post, pick up his check and bring it to the bank to pay the Van payment. I'm finally done with all of the stuff I wanted to get done. Now I just have to wait for my relieve. Earlier Craig came in so I could have a smoke. Craig is cool. He said he's a blood-type A. No wonder I like him. Well, I figured all my stuff out. I need to definitely stay away from Cancer, Capricorn, Taurus, Pisces with O & B blood-types.
July 30, 1995
Well, Aaron did get picked up and him, Mindy, and Eric went to Bear Lake. I sort of miss Aaron, but I wish I wouldn't. I want to get over him and it's so hard. I'm a lot better now though than I have been. At least I don't get so depressed over it anymore - only sad every now and again. I just hate the memories, cause they make me want to lay in his arms again. I forgot how much a lost love could hurt. I'm gonna lay my cards again today and see what happens. I kind of believe that I'll end up either staying with John, or being alone, cause I won't take Aaron back with his drug usage and him being out of a job and having dealings with the law. I guess we make better friends, but my heart is still aching for him. I still love him and I probably always will. I spent my evening with Brandon and his crowd yesterday and it wasn't until after Dawn came home (Derek brought her) that I started feeling bad about Aaron again. I found out that he still does crack. He is such a stupid ass. It shouldn't even hurt, but it does. I need to fill this void in my heart, or I'll go crazy. I don't want a boyfriend, nor do I want a divorce. I want to make my life work out so I'm happy again. I want another Baby so bad. I want a boat so I can water-ski and I want to build my own house. Moving made me happy before, cause I had something to do that I like. I also want to make new friends and I want to get away from Aaron. I want my marriage to work out. I don't think I will be able to go through another divorce mentally. I want to go somewhere with my singing and make money out of it. Fuck Aaron and all the shattered dreams he brought into my life. I feel really bitter about that part. Why do I even care and love him? I don't want to. I hate it!! I'm gonna do my Tarot reading now. I think I know what I want. I want a friend that is just mine. Like Rita used to be. I want someone that's interested enough in my life to sit here for hours, listening to my poems, reading my diary and looking at picture albums and sharing her or his drams with me.
July 31, 1995
Well, Aaron is at the house. He told me he wouldn't do anymore drugs at all. Yeah right! I hate Derrick. He's not only immature, he put us all in danger with the way he drives. Then he puts me down. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. I had a good time with Dawn tonight. Travis said he wanted to keep her forever. I like him too. He's a good guy and he fits to Dawn. I think I'll stay away from the East side for a while. It's funny... ever since I'm not going over there so much, Aaron's been calling me. Today he asked if I could pick him up and he asked me for a couple of hugs (I didn't ask him for one and I won't). I got up at noon today and I'm already tired. I drove Aaron to Mark Miller today to see if he could get a job there, but they didn't have anything. Then we went to Pace and I filled out an application. We'll be both working tomorrow from 7 pm to 11 pm. I also brought the Van payment up to date. This evening, I met Chris (Aaron's brother). He doesn't look as I thought he would. We went to his house cause Shelly said he told her that Aaron and I were going out. She's such a liar. I like to know who started this thing about me cheating John with Aaron, Derek and Jim. Davis told John and Margret told Davis. Margret also told John that since I'm cheating him, why doesn't he cheat on me with her. What a bitch! Oh well, I don't care anymore what happens. No big deal if he does. I talked to Aaron tonight and told him that he is too young to give me what I need and he said it was true, cause he wouldn't want to settle down yet. I also told him that he's my only friend that I consider a true friend. He doesn't go on my nerves like the rest. Well, I got to study the names for my test now.
August 1, 1995
I kind of hope things are going to quiet down with John and me, cause maybe we can work things out between the two of us. With the book I bought and maybe even therapy for the two of us, things might work. I think John really loves me, he just doesn't know how to show it and maybe he can learn that too. Aaron is just too young and he might be a good friend, but that's where it should stop. I want a Baby sometime in either the Libra or Aquarius sign (preferable Libra) and I want it within the next two years (by 98). If it's a girl, her name will be Cassandra Fay and if it's a boy he will be Michael Lee. The Lee is for Aaron's middle name. I will never forget Aaron's love, but I've made a decision and I need to hold on to it. I want to be his lifelong friend though and I really hope we can be close like we used to be. I would like to be with Aaron one more time, but that would just end up hurting both of us. Well, I'm gonna write him a letter - probably tomorrow - explaining everything. For today, I'll draw and read a little bit. As soon as I have $30 to spare, I'll go to a Tarot reader. I want to know what the cards of a professional will hold in store for me. I talked Bryan out of two smokes. Last night, I colored my hair dark again and everyone likes it, including myself. Aaron didn't really want to see me with darker hair, but he liked it once it was done. Even Eric said it looked cool. It's got a little red touch to it. Almost like an auburn color. I was just gonna do what Dan told me to do if I'm on post 12 and want a cigarette, but I can't do it. I'm too straight. I guess I'll have Wise come in and go where I'm supposed to. Bryan gave me a couple of reds and I'm gonna buy him a coke tomorrow. He told me he's 3 month older than me.
August 2, 1995
I didn't go to either work today. I felt sick all day. Probably from the way Jim did the dishes. I drove Aaron to work though and picked him back up. Eric, Brandon & Dawn are here too. I told Aaron that I'm gonna end up stuck with John if I do get pregnant. He said if John couldn't give me a kid, he would. That was funny. I still love Aaron and I always will and I'm glad that our friendship seems to bloom again. After talking to him yesterday, I think he's just too jealous about my being with John in order to be with me. I don't feel heartbroken or anything, even though I know it's not gonna happen with him. I guess I just settle with what I can get. I'm gonna shine my boots tonight and learn my names some more.
August 3, 1995
John called me earlier and told me he was going to bed. Mavis gave me some more stuff to study for the test. Puhh! I don't know if I'm gonna write Aaron's letter today. I probably end up studying most of the night.
August 4, 1995
Boy, I'm gonna have to work 16 hours now. Well, I slept long enough, so I should be ok. Today I was thinking about a concept about John. Margret called our house and left a phone # for John to call her back. I told John to call her and I'll be on the other line, but he was dead set against it. I talked to Aaron about that and I wonder if John made all this stuff about Derek and Jim up in order to cover his own butt. John had said Margret said all this stuff and that she then suggested for him to cheat on me with her. Then he told me that he heard everything from Davis and Margret wouldn't talk to him about anything. Then tonight he said that Margret would just ask him why he didn't want to see her anymore. Just the thought of him sleeping with Margret is sick. I don't want to do anything with him at all now, cause I don't want to catch that sluts diseases. That's sick. Maybe Aaron is right and John is just covering his ass about bills and don't really want to be married to me anymore. Oh well, Aaron is going to New Mexico this weekend. I'm gonna miss him, but I'm gonna work Saturday anyhow and I might go to Sandy Station with Michael on Sunday. I talked to Finder about my situation and he thinks it sounds like cheating too. I just looked through houses and apartments for rent. If I could rent a 3 bedroom apartment and keep at least one Foster kid, I could probably manage being on my own. I need to pay off a few things first though. I need to make Lane Bryant, my Sears, RC Willey and the Student Loans and America First a priority. Oh and Paramount Acceptance too. I much rather buy a home, but I think I would have to wait on that, unless I could get in to a HUD Home, or just rent one. Maybe I can pay most of my debts off by the end of this year. I can see the big boom coming though. I almost think he's just with me anymore, cause of the bills, but who knows. Only time will tell, but I have to be ready! As soon as I'm back to normal and paid all the past due bills off, I'm gonna put money away every paycheck, just for me to know. Anymore, I'm only gonna trust Aaron. I gave Bryan the husband/wife scenario and he thinks the husband is cheating as well. I'm not gonna tell anyone else anything.
August 5, 1995
I am sooo tired. I guess Aaron is heading to New Mexico right now. I wish I could've talked to him before he left. Oh well, he'll be back Monday. I'm reading this book "Necessary Losses". Reading it makes me want to write down some stuff:
Who am I?
- I'm a learner. I love to learn almost anything. I soak everything up that's new to me.
- I'm a private "psychologist". I love to try to help people with their problems. I like listening to them and I like seeing them succeed in life.
- I'm intelligent. I feel that I'm smart. I grasp things quickly.
- I'm a talker. I like to get my points across and I can discuss things for hours as long as it doesn't end up in an argument.
- I'm a dreamer. I see this as a positive attitude though cause it makes me ambitious. Sometimes the dreaming gets in the way though cause I have a hard time to adjust to reality when a dream is broken.
- I have a low self-esteem regarding my body. My self-esteem is good in every other aspect though. I need to lose some weight.
- I'm a thinker. I think about everything and everybody.
I'm tired. This book is very informative. Something just came to me while I was reading this book. I said once that every guy I end up with seems to be somewhat like my Dad. The book suggests, marrying an older man is a still active complex. I wonder then why I like Aaron. It also suggests that if someone really wants a job, but then messes up the interview by coming too late, etc., he still suffers from the Oedipus complex. They subconsciously fear it would wipe out the same sex parent. I want to have a party soon and I want to invite Eric and Bryan from Kennecott. I also want to invite Finder, Loretta, Mavis, Dan, Mike, Alan and John and the other morning guard (I think it's Herb). Eric seems to be really nice, but reserved. I would love for him to work some more night shifts. I liked talking to him. Oh, maybe I'll invite Stuart too. Eric, Bryan and Stuart are about the only young ones here besides Marty and Marty won't be here much longer. Maybe I'll invite Rudy too. He's funny. Well, now it shouldn't be long before someone will show up. No more then 1/2 hour anyway and if it's Decker, only 10 - 20 minutes. It might be Watts too. Wonder if Aaron left. I'm pretty sure he did since he didn't call. Too bad I wasn't able to talk to him before he left. I'm looking forward to our last camping trip next weekend. I would like to get to know Eric a little bit better too. Like I know Bryan now. Bryan is cool. I like him. Maybe we'll end up being friends. You can never have enough friends. Aaron is the only good one I've got anyway. I could use 2 or 3 more good friends. Anyway, I'm gonna go home, sleep for a couple of hours, go to the Crossroads Thrift-store and pay some bills, maybe get a gallon of paint (if I can spare the money) and clean the house. Tonight I want to sing.
August 8, 1995
Boy I'm gonna have a lot to write to catch up on the events. Aaron did not go to New Mexico. Rod had changed his mind. Aaron called me at home several times while I was asleep and finally got hold of me at 5 pm. He was supposed to call me back within a couple of hours, but he never did. I ended up talking to John jr. and went up to the East side to see if we could find someone to mess around with. We ran into Brandon first and then Aaron came to L&L. he told me he was going to take his bike home and then come back down. He asked me if I was still going to be there. Well, he never came back. We ended up seeing him run across the street after getting out someoneís car. I was so upset that he had ditched me after asking me if I was going to be there. Brandon and I ended up going to the house and I invited Michael over. He came over, we talked, looked at some picture albums and then he went back home and I went to bed. The next day I met Brandon at L&L again and Aaron walked up. I told him I was upset about him ditching me the day before. I also told him that the friends of his friend Ray drove by, circled around us, flashed a gun and asked Brandon "Wanna shoot?" I told him he needs to choose his friends more carefully. We ended up driving up Big Cottonwood Canyon and sitting there for a while, listening to music and talk. All of us. I told Aaron if he ditched me one more time, I would never again let him drive my car. I also asked him to hand me his paychecks over so he won't go to jail. He's got 10 more days. Then I told him that I'm not hurt if he tells me he has other plans for a day, but that I am hurt if he ditches me. I seem to be everyoneís counselor. Brandon talked to me about problems with Dawn, so did Travis and David asked me advice about his divorce. Pat kept on hanging around me too. We ended up going all to my house (except for Pat) and Aaron got drunk. He said that he could never talk to anyone like he does to me. Anymore I think John is not the only one destroying the marriage (he yelled at the kids again today), but I'm doing my part too. In a way that's sad, but I guess it's life. Today I found a job for Aaron and me for Tuesday 1-5, detailing cars. It'll be fun working with him again. I hope he calls me tonight. I'm gonna write Aaron another letter. I had a smoke with Bryan in the back. I talked to Aaron on the phone. I was really surprised that he called. When I asked Delmas to relieve me for a cigarette-break he said no. Well, that's one I'm gonna treat like shit. He can't expect anything from me anymore!
August 9, 1995
Marty showed up today. I bet Bryan is thrilled. Aaron and I went to work today at Griffin Golden Glo. It was ok. I kept Aaron's payslip, so he won't spend the money. Stupid Dumb ass (Delmas) is here today. He can kiss my ass.. stupid! I have to stay in the morning for a Safety-class. Thursday I'm gonna try to work again for the temps. Talked to Bryan for a while earlier. Him and Eric are the only single guys working here. I found out that everyone picks on Eric. He's on Prozac and he's been in the hospital for depression. Bryan says he's a Gigolo and he's arrogant. Maybe that's why he wants to be a Psychologist. I still like Eric. He's cute, but I agree with Bryan on the arrogant part. I would like to get to know him though. I guess he's 26. I was told that Steve is only 35. That about blew my mind. I guessed him older. I'm gonna call the temps in the morning and see if I can find something for Thursday for Aaron and I. I wish Aaron would call. Yesterday, when Decker relieved me, he acted really cute, saying that no one appreciates him. When I told him that I did he said I was the only one. I like to work with him. He's another person I would like to get to know better. Something about those clean-cut guys that attracts me. They both have a good build too. That reminds me - I've got to call Krystal tomorrow. I need to pick up that money, if nothing else. Well, I'm gonna read for a little while now. Aaron gave me a real good hug today before I went to sleep and I was dreaming of something about Christmas that was really funny. The day before I had a lesbian dream. Something about a blonde schoolteacher and we were doing something in the closet. At work I met a drug-addict (Trish) who was actually pretty nice. Bryan pretty much bullshitted with me the whole two hours I was inside. His birthday is on July 14th 1965, so he's cancer. His blood-type is 0. I'm gonna start analyzing people. But I need to find out how to figure out the Horizon signs and others first. Bryanís cool though, even if he's cancer. Well, I guess he's also a snake. We talked about John, Aaron and his ex-girlfriend and other people. Time went by fast.
August 10, 1995
My typical day as a smoker
I get up out of bed, reach for the cigarettes and light up - to get me going. I repeat this after I'm dressed, while combing my hair. Throughout the day I smoke: As soon as I get in the car, after I eat, when I'm bored, when I'm tired, when I'm stressed, when I watch TV, when others smoke, when I'm in a club, when I'm nervous, after sex, and right before I go to bed.
Personal Appearance: Long, curly, medium brown hair, one brown and one green eye, glasses, full lips, 5'6" and heavyset, young looking for 29.
Impression of Appearance: Young, clean cut
Best physical Features: My eyes, because they're unique. My breasts, cause they're just the right size and my lips, cause they're full and sensuous.
Worst physical Features: My stomach, cause it's too big and my legs for the same reason.
I was born on October 6, 1965 in Wiesbaden, Germany in the Sonnenberg Kinderklinik. In Elementary school, we had to move and I had a hard time adjusting. I hated the teacher and wasn't very good in school. In Jr. High I only had a few friends. I hit one of the girls and her nose started bleeding. One of the teachers came around the corner, bumped into me and called me a fat owl. I went to the principle and he got in trouble. My dog was put asleep and I hated my parents for it. I loved Math and my math teacher. I always tried to fit in, but never succeeded. I felt fat and blamed my being fat for not being able to make friends. Most of the time I listened to my parents. I first started smoking when I was 12. I can recall one time when I was at the swimming-pool with Vera and we were "playing' with the smoke. I also met an older girl through a typing class with whom I met up at breaks. She used to give me cigarettes. I mainly smoked at school at this time. It made me feel like I belonged. My first physical effects were coughing and dizziness. In High-School (Berufs-schule), I became very popular over night. They were all new people and most everyone liked me. I entered the classroom as an unintentional clown and have been a clown ever since. I was already in the States when I went to college and it was a nice and rewarding time. I was popular and I liked school. I was proud when I graduated Mechanics School at Bryman and I was chosen for class speaker. I was the only female to graduate at this time. I regret quitting Mark Miller Toyota, cause I liked working there and I'd be somewhere by now. I also regret quitting college for Psychology, cause I could be a Psychologist by now. I'm working for American Protective Services at Kennecott as a Security Guard since June 30th 1995. I've got the idea from Brandon being a guard. I make 7,-/hr and I like my job and the people here. Before that I worked for Michael at Sinclair at 3300 South and 700 East. I liked it there cause Michael was my boss and all my friends live there and came to visit me. I left cause Mike quit. The change made me happier. I would like to go into police work, but need to find out if my left eye will let me qualify. Before Sinclair I worked here and there for the Temps from July 94 to January 95, I was working for NAC, delivering Newspapers. I loved this job, especially since I was working with a few new found friends (Aaron , Brandon, Lisa), but quit cause I got tired of it. Before NAC I was working for Conoco. I liked it for a few weeks, but it became a drag and I quit. Before that I was working several small jobs. One of them was Superior Softwater and Maverick's Bakery. They were both boring jobs. Then comes Bio-Life - Assembly which I really liked. I got laid off due to no funds. After that comes Mark Miller Toyota as and Automotive Tech, 76 truck stop as a waitress, Dees as a waitress, Denny's as a waitress and a Hostess. I loved those jobs, but I moved to Grantsville and wanted something closer. Oak Craft Cabinet where I used to telemarket, was a job I liked cause my boss was really cool. Then comes Sinclair with Michael again, 7/11 and Martec. In Germany I worked for Churrasco Steakhouse as a cocktail waitress, Massa Markt, Spar Markt, Engel Transformators as a home-assembler and Toom Markt, where I was in Training.
Social Relationships: My first date and boyfriend was Michael. I was 15 years old. My first love was Willy at the age of 16. My first one-sided love was Michael from the Teens when I was 13, and then Volker, a class-mate when I was 14. I dated seldom until I was 17. It was not by choice - I just couldn't seem to get a date. I had few friends until I was 16. That's when I started having more. I have lost contact with most of them. In Dotzheim, my best friends were Manuela and Hans-Juergen. I can't remember them very well, I just know we always played together. After I moved to Taunusstein, when I was 6, I can't really remember any best friends until I met Andrea and then Rita. In between there was Jaqueline while I was in 9th grade and then Manuela from 15 on up. Jeanine Park was my closest friend while I lived in Grantsville and Lorene Allen from 90 to 91. In 90' Ed was my closest friend and since then I consider Aaron my closest friend. Oh, in 92 Kari and I were considering each other best friends. I think the only thing that everyone has in common is that all of them like me and everyone except for Jeanine, smokes. I'm a very open person and most people know pretty much everything about me. I'm not very happy with my husband John. He yells at my kids. Not so much anymore as he used to, but he still does. He doesn't know what passion or romance is and he appears more to be my Dad than my husband. I've tried talking to him and I've even told him I was thinking about divorce, but he always changes for only a little while and then goes right back to his old self. The people I work with are mostly cool people and everyone seems to like me. I only dislike 2 people. I guess Bryan and Craig are the closest in being my friends from work. I can talk to them and they're fun to talk to. The only one I really dislike is Dumb ass (Delmas), cause he's stupid, rude and a narc. I'm friendly to him, and he's friendly to me, but I just can't stand him. I make fun of him. I pretty much keep away from my neighbors, but I like Guilda the best and Debbie M the worst. One day my dog went to hers (he got her pregnant) and bit him. At first Debbie only wanted half of the doctors bill. Then she changed her mind and wanted it all. That got me totally against her. She's an alcoholic, he's a drugy, the older daughter is a slut and in a gang and the younger daughter lies and steals. My mother is going gray. She has short hair, brown eyes, is about 5'7" tall and is fat. I like it that I can count on her financially when I need help. I hate it that she always yelled. To finish the sentence: Mother I always wanted you to show me that you love me. My father is about 5'8" tall, has dark hair that's also going gray, lots of wrinkles, is bo-legged and is also fat. I liked the way he used to play with me. I hated when he fought with my Mom. To finish the sentence: Dad, I always wanted you to take control in the house and to tell her to just shut up. I hated my brother when I was younger and still don't consider him a friend. He wants to change me and can't accept me the way I am. He won't let me be. He has to command on things which are none of his bees-wax. My little grandmother is dead now, but I loved her more than anyone in my family. She's still watching over me, too. She always had an ear to listen and she always understood. She was a very wise lady and I want to be like her! My grandpa died when I was 12. All he ever did was sit at the window, but he was nice to us. My big grandma never understood anything. She was always mean to us. I never knew her husband. I don't like any of my aunts. They're either filthy, or back-stabbers. I don't know aunt Hella enough to command on her. All the uncles I know are lazy. The only cousin I really know and like is Nathan. Monika, Hilde and Charly are weird. I don't really know the rest much. John is nice when it comes to talking him into things. He's an old man though. He doesn't seem to get anything out of life and he nags and yells too much. He calls my friends dumb, etc. but isn't acting any smarter than them. He's not romantic, nor does he know what passion is. He sucks and he doesn't do anything to better himself. David is a very good kid. He's a Mama's boy. He listens to me well, most of the time and hasn't gotten into any bad trouble yet and hopefully never will. He's sensitive, good looking and very intelligent. He's probably gonna be a doctor someday. He's planned that since he was 2 years old. Jenny is a little on the wilder side. I might have trouble with her when she gets into her teens, cause she already lies. She's very pretty though and she's smart too. She's the girl I always wanted. She's sensitive too and she listens to me most of the time. The first disappointment in my life was moving. The most easily recalled disappointment is my grandmotherís death. And the most outstanding one is my divorce. The greatest tragedy in my life is my grandmother's death. My greatest success was being able to graduate from Automotive School and be hired on by Mark Miller Toyota. What gave me the best ego satisfaction? Having Aaron go out with me. My gifts, talents and qualities. I'm a good listener, and people come to me like I'm a counselor. I have a great voice and write good poems, songs, etc. I'm a helper and people can rely on me and I'm great with kids. I have so many different talents that it's hard to concentrate on one enough to get anywhere, but I'm trying.
David and Jenny, the snakes, the dogs, being a Foster-parent, having been with Aaron, having a good voice, my poems, my English, my knowledge in Psychology, my intelligence, having so many male friends, having graduated Automotive, having a $7,-/hr job, my photographs.
I'm proud of these accomplishments
Won two first prices in the car-races.
Graduated Automotive School and got hired on by Mark Miller Toyota.
Finally going out with Aaron.
Getting a good paid job.
Standing on my own two feet after my divorce.
What I like least about myself
Being fat is about the only thing in my appearance that I would like to change and I'm doing so very slowly. That I drink Mtn Dew and no water. It's like an addiction too.
Being able to get pregnant again - get tubes reversed - getting a college degree and go back to school.
Something that excites me and is reasonable possible
Buy a 3 acre piece of land, get a loan for it as soon as the other bills are paid off.
Go singing, being with Aaron, go to dinner, love and helping, being with my friends.
My dream Look
My height, 135 lbs, brown, curly thick hair, my eyes, my mouth, slimmer nose, breast the same size, a size 8 in shoes instead of a 10, cause of the inconvenience, and a straighter back (which I'm working on).
Who do I most admire
Mavis - for her beautiful home.
Mark Miller - for being rich and still being in tune with people.
Edra - for not needing much sleep.
Kari - for being the size I would like to be.
Heather - for her hair color.
Debbie J. - for being so outgoing.
Aaron - for his posture.
Tony - for his drawing talent.
Lorrie Morgan - because she's pretty and has a beautiful voice.
My old Psych Teacher - he was great and he knows what he's talking about.
Distasteís in all areas of life
Football, Telemarketing, Sales, Screaming, Nagging, Controlling, Dishonesty, Being late, Smoking, Drugs, Heavy drinking, Fat, my stomach.
Goals for the Future
Within one year
Loose 25 lbs, have all of my debt paid off and make at least $8,-/hr. Be in top shape, got to the Spa at least once a week and get my tubes untied, eat healthier. Get somewhere with my singing and find out how to figure out more Astrology. Have many good friends - male and female. Have my EMT and maybe be back in school for either police-work of teacher or at least my Associates degree. Still be at Kennecott with APS.
Within 5 years
Be down to 150 lbs. Be someone of meaning, Maybe make a courier out of the singing, and know everything about Astrology. Still have the same friends. Have my Associates and have another baby. Make at least $10.50/hr and have built a home. Still be in top shape and not have wrinkles yet. Eating healthy.
keep looking slim and young, be someone of meaning, have a PHD and still l have the same friends as well as many more. Be well off financially, have all of my kids go to college, still doing Foster-care and being happily married. Be a Psychic in my spare time and have a boat to go water-skiing with and camping equipment. Have a motorcycle. Be in perfect health.
August 11, 1995
Well, a new day and at work again. Aaron told me that he probably won't be coming camping with us. That sucks bad. I was looking so much forward to it. Tonight I'm gonna ask Bryan if he wants to go with us and I might get enough guts together to ask Eric in the morning. I would like to get to know him a little. He seemed like a real interesting person when I talked to him that one night. I met Aaron earlier tonight and we talked for a little while he was working on his car. He picked up his check yesterday. I don't really care anymore. Well, that's not really true, but I try not to care anymore. He's driving me up the wall. It's almost like a love-hate relationship. John woke me up, even though he knew I worked last night. He yelled at me for asking him where the shoe-polish is and he yelled at John jr. for saying the vacuum wasn't picking up and then again later for helping David setting the table. I can't believe that I actually got enough guts together to ask Eric to go camping with us and he said he might. He's gonna get back with me later today. I hope he's going. It would be the perfect opportunity. But even if he doesn't, I definitely broke the ice for future conversations today. I asked Bryan to go with us too. It wasn't hard to ask him. He said he'll tell me tonight if he's going or not. Well, well, Monika is getting a little better with the shyness. That's good. I think I can thank Aaron for that one too.
August 12, 1995
Well, I haven't heard from Eric yet. I wonder if he's gonna call. I doubt it. I wonder if Bryan is going. Aaron said if he can get his car going he'll come out Saturday night with Eric. I doubt that too. But I'm gonna go and will have fun without them. I'm starting to give out invitations today. The following are the ones that have received one: Mavis, Craig, Bryan, Waitress at Sandy Station, Eric, Steve, Rudy, Shelly, Alan, Mike, John, Dan, Gary, Rochelle, Mark, Jeaninie, Heidi, Matt and MacLaughlin'. I don't think I'm going to be able to go to Bear Lake. At least not right when I come home. I'm sooo tired. I fell asleep on Post and in the bathroom. I need some sleep. Noone is going with us anyway (just David, Jenny, Dawn and Brandon). I think I'm gonna find me a closer Lake to go to. I really don't want to go to Utah Lake cause it's so dirty, but I don't know of any other Lake that's closer and if I go to sleep first, there's no more sense in going to Bear Lake, cause we'd get there too late to really enjoy ourselves. I'm gonna have to look at a map when I get home. Maybe we can go to a river instead. That would do too. Boy, I'm gonna have to continue writing if I don't want to fall asleep. When I read everything starts to swim together and my eyes begin to close. God, I hate that. People are going to have to let me sleep 7 or 8 straight hours. I can't handle this shit. I need my sleep. Especially with me trying to quit smoking. I'd like to quit before my Fair showcase, so I can sing with a clean voice!
August 15, 1995
Well, I'm at Silver control at the moment, but I will end up going on rotation sometime tonight. Too bad, cause Eric is working tonight and he's here all by himself. We talked for a little while when I first got here. I hope he's gonna come out again before I have to leave. I wish Aaron would've called me before I had to leave, cause I probably won't see or talk to him tomorrow. I bought a new tape today with "just like the weather" on it. I love that song. Sandy Station was cool yesterday. After a couple of years, I finally saw Brett again. He couldn't place who I am. Of course not. I look a lot different (& prettier) now, have dark hair, long hair, and a different clothing style. Plus, I'm not so shy anymore and I can sing better too. He hasn't changed a bit though. He's still cute. Well, I'm smoking Camels now for one week. It's gonna be so cool once I quit, cause then I'm gonna quit the pop and then I'm gonna lose some weight and then I'm gonna look and feel super! I like finally doing something for myself for a change. I miss being close to Aaron. Sometimes it's so hard to deal with this. I'm gonna write a poem for him.
August 16, 1995
Boy! I did my first rounds on my own today. It wasn't too bad. The beginning was frustrating, the end was easy. I didn't go to work until 2 am today. Garcia stayed for me. For that I'll come in at 10 pm tomorrow. Reason being, by 6 pm I only have had one hour of sleep thanks to dear Willy. Willy complained to the social worker that he had too many chores, that we treat him like crap and that John steals his stuff, that I gave him a beer at Bear Lake and that I have an affair with Aaron. They called me and said my license is in jeopardy and to come down there, so I did. Margo was there too. I got everything worked out. I will not take any of the Foster-kids with me again if I plan on drinking and I will find respite for them when we drink at the house. Willy fucked up everyoneís life. I will treat Fosters different from my kids from now on. He's done it to himself. Now he has to deal with it. I'm doing good about smoking and now through the patrolling I'm getting exercise too. I went to the County Fair with David, Jenny and John today. We ran into Matt and I've got free Sun-earrings and necklace. I've also got a license-plate that says Sunshine. Cool! I ran into Rochelle and Mark and invited them to my party. Boy, Rochelle has gotten fat and Mark has a beard. Yuck! I've only had 2 hours of sleep today. So far I'm doing fine. Also at the Fair, I've talked to a Psychic. First question: What's gonna happen to my marriage? Answer: It's not gonna last. The sooner I get out the better. He put on a front to be Mr. Right before we got married. I donít' even know the real him, but he's opposite from what I married him for. He doesn't treat me good and I deserve better. I'm not a natural mother, but thatís ok. There's a guy at work who's watching and liking me from the distance. He's tall, handsome, dark hair with a red touch, good build, around 30 or 40 years old. She saw an e in his name. It's a short name. I might know him already. I asked her about Aaron. Answer: Let him go. He's not the right guy. He's not gonna quit the drugs. He's sort of using me. The right guy will carry me on his hands and I'll know who he is when the right time comes. She said I'm gonna get skinny, have longer hair and have more red in my hair. She felt a lot of sadness inside of me and she said that I'm gonna be happy. She said in the future I won't work, cause he makes enough money. I asked her about my talent. She said it was either singing or acting. She said if I try harder I'll get somewhere, but that I don't try hard enough. She also said I had a touch for instruments. She told me I was a really great person, but that I've been put down a lot. She told me to quit thinking about others and start thinking about myself for a change. She also told me to watch out for Aaron and to quit being worried - to just go and have fun. I want to go to another person and do the whole 30 Dollar thing! Well, I'm working so early tonight cause Kitty worked 2 hours for me yesterday. Now I'm starting to get tired.
August 18, 1995
I couldn't write anymore yesterday, cause I went to Delta Gate to assist Loretta, cause they had a fire. I'm gonna read some post orders and stuff today, so I might not have much time to do anything else today either. Well, I'm at the Main Gate now. Aaron called earlier and talked to me for 45 minutes. I hope I don't get in trouble. I don't really know what to think about that Psychic. It's bugging me. I really need to go to that lady on State Street. I need to find out where exactly she's at. This morning I saw Decker in Street-clothes for the first time. Wow! He's more of a knock-out in regular clothes than he already is in uniform. He's sexy!
August 19, 1995
Well, I'm getting in gear and I'm gonna advertise my singing. I'm gonna be pretty busy doing all this and working 40 hours a week, but it's gonna be worth it in the long run. I just copied 50 fliers and I will copy a lot more before the fair starts. I'm just gonna do 50 at a time though, so I won't get into trouble. I'm also gonna get business cards (1000). I guess Dan from work is gonna help me. He used to be a typesetter. he already gave me a few hints. Aaron came to the house earlier to visit. He had Ben with him. He seems to miss me. Well, I miss him too. He's gonna be in on this too. I need some help and he deserves the money most, cause he's my inspiration. Maybe now Iíll put enough effort in to actually get somewhere. I'm just gonna have to work my ass off. Tomorrow - before I go camping, I want to go buy me some good recording tapes. Maybe I can sell some tapes at the fair too. Anyway, I'm gonna go now. I hope Aaron calls sometime tonight.
4:55 am: Aaron wasn't able to call here today, cause the phone system was broke. It just now got fixed. Well, I guess I'll see him today when I go up to Big Cottonwood. I kind of miss him, but not that much, cause it's me that doesn't have the time. Alan is off this morning. I wish they would put him on regular rotation. I miss being relieved by him. He's always on time. I also miss talking to Bryan and seeing Eric walk in, in the mornings. I get sad when I go on rounds and pass Old Silver up. I miss talking to Jay or Rudy, or even Colby. Oh well, I guess I'll find new people to talk to.
August 21, 1995
Well, it's finally arrived. I can't stand it any longer and I want to leave. I feel like packing up right now. The question is: Where to and with what money. I have nowhere to go and no money to go with. I'm gonna write Aaron a letter. I'm gonna have to make some plans. I still want to stop smoking cause that saves $80 a month. Next I need to save as much money each check as I can, so I have money down for an apartment. Then I need to pay at least a couple of bills off and I need to see a lawyer. I want to know what's gonna happen with all of the bills and the stuff. I need to know what's gonna happen with John Jr. I need to get my ass in gear. I want to be out of here by November 30th.
August 23, 1995
Well, I had lost my pens so I bought a new red one. They didn't have any black ones. Yesterday I went to talk to Aaron about helping me going through the bull. He disappointed me by saying that he doesn't want to talk about anything that might bring him down. Well, what are friends supposed to be for? He shouldn't care. David W wants to be more than friends, but I don't see nothing in him. He might be good looking, but he's just as young as Aaron and I'm not attracted to him. If Eric or Allan asked me out I'd say yes in an instant. Anyway, Aaron got really upset for some reason and told Ben to tell me that I'm a bitch and that I ruined his life. That hurt! I wrote him a letter and I talked to him earlier today. He's not mad anymore, but I'm gonna let him come to me. I'm not pursuing him any longer. I'm gonna write to him one more time, cause David said he mentioned he's too young for kids etc. I don't even want him to be like this with me. I'd never marry him anyway, cause he's too young and he doesn't have a secure job.
August 24, 1995
Well, I'm back to work. I talked to Aaron earlier and he was supposed to come to the house to give me a letter around 10:30 pm, but he never did. Typical. Well, maybe he'll call. I wanna talk to Bryan sometime tonight to tell him that the date of the party has changed. I'm gonna do Dan's picture today. I like Dan. He's cool. Wonder how old Dan is. He looks 40. Tomorrow I'm gonna get my laundry ironed. I'll probably stay home and not go anywhere. I had to write down what Kitty was talking to me about earlier. She asked me if Bryan and I were more than friends and that Angus was hinting to her about it. Yeah right! I don't know why people always have to think that if a male and a female get along and talk a lot, they have to be a couple. I couldn't even start seeing Bryan and going out. I'd like to know who started that rumor. I hope Dan won't be mad for going on his locker. I really doubt it though, cause he's really cool. I wish I could see Eric and Allen this morning, but I seriously doubt it. I would put in for day shift overtime to see both, if they'd ever have day shift overtime. Most are swing and graveyard. I hope Allen isn't ending up leaving the refinery. That would be a bummer. I think I like Allen better than Eric, even though I haven't talked much to neither. I don't know who the guy is that is supposed to like me at work. I need to find out that Psychics name and ask her about everything. Maybe I can find out today. I still have the money.
August 25, 1995
I'm gonna be able to see all the Old Silver people again in the morning, 'cause for 3 hours, I'll be over there. That's gonna be cool! Aaron called earlier. I couldn't talk to him long, cause of Mavis, but that's ok. It seems like we don't have much to say to each other anymore anyway. It's really sad. But I guess that's what I get for being around young folk. Anyway, I'm gonna be busy working, quitting smoking, and singing this week anyway. I believe Aaron's gonna start coming around again once he realizes how little time we spend with each other.
Why can't the opposite sex be friends?
I find that every time I make friends with the opposite sex, people have to start rumors. Long long ago, I was considered a slut, cause I hung around with guys constantly, even though I was still a virgin. I just get along better with guys than with females. Always have and always will. When Aaron and I first became friends, everyone was saying we had an affair. When Jake was my friend, I was a cradle robber. Now that I'm talking a lot with Bryan, people say we've got something more going. I really don't understand people. What's wrong about being friends with the opposite sex? Are people just jealous of the friendship and so they try to destroy it, or are people just too sexually oriented to see the possibility for a male and female to be "just" friends? I'm so tired of rumors and I refuse to let them handicap my relationships any longer! I know what's going on and I'm the only one who has to know what's going on. Screw everyone else. I'm gonna start being a little more private. People don't appreciate openness and honesty anyway. Maybe people are just jealous of catnip women!
August 26, 1995
Well, well, back at work. Yesterday I got to talk to Eric a little bit. I guess he'll be going to the tankhouse too. When I looked at him, I found that he has darker hair than I thought. He winked at me. Gosh he's gorgeous. Comparing Allen and him though, I still think Allen looks sharper. I talked to Bryan a few minutes too. Today I saw Aaron for a little while. he might come out to my house tonight. We'll see. He said he'll have that letter for me tomorrow. Derrick asked me if we could talk. I told him that's ok, so I imagine he'll call sometime soon. I guess he's getting desperate, cause he lost all of his friends. Dan liked the heart picture I drew him. I'm glad. He said that I had talent. I don't think so. Not in drawing. Simple stuff maybe. Tim didn't know it was me when I got here in civilian clothing. Well, I looked sharp today too.
My Dream Man
Looks: He's got to be about my height, have a full set of hair, got to be slim and have a handsome face. His looks gotta turn me on. No drooping mustache or beard.
Hobbies: He's gotta like to hear me sing, if not sing himself, or play an instrument. he should love music and dancing and like water and water-skiing. He should like to read, write, go camping and fishing, maybe talking on the CB, going to the mall and he has to belief in the spirit world (Psychics).
Got to be : Intelligent, romantic, drug-free, law-abiding, punctual, hard-working, trustworthy, reliable, honest, faithful, gentle, playful, somewhat health-conscious, somewhat religious, family oriented, good with kids, able to communicate, be interested in my life and the things I do, able to compromise, and work on himself.
He's got to make me #1 in his life, unless he has kids, then I'm willing to be #2. And he has to love me more than anything in this world (with the exception to kids) and I most love him more than anything and make him #2 (after the kids). Sex has to be good. We have to be able to talk, laugh and cry together!
Things I'm looking for in a guy:
1. I want him to tell me that he loves me without my having to say so first all the time.
2. I want him to show me that he loves me by hugging and kissing me, cuddling with me in front of the TV or in bed, putting me before anyone and making me his number one.
3. I want him to be there for me when I tell him I need him to.
4. I want him to be romantic and spontaneous, like making love at 3 pm in the afternoon or buying a present when it's not my birthday or another holiday, or surprise me somehow.
5. I want him to talk to me a lot and be interested in my life.
6. I want him to love and accept my kids and me.
7. I want my kids to love and accept him as well as myself.
8. He has to be fairly decent looking - no geeks.
9. He can't be a total Moron.
10. He must be willing to wait for me to feel comfortable with him before he starts pushing the "marriage or sex -issues".
11. He must be drug-free and not be an alcoholic.
12. He must not be in trouble with the law (besides traffic) or had trouble in the recent past.
13. He must be clean, have no beard and help me keep the apartment clean.
14. He must definitely be honest to me - NO LIES!!
15. He must have a job, a car and a place to live.
16. He has to be sensitive, be able to cry.
17. He must want and be ok with trying to have another kid and have the goal of being a family.
18. He has to believe in a Higher Power
19. He has to be slim.
20. I must love him more than anything.
August 27, 1995
I got to work really early today. This morning I talked to Aaron before I went to bed. He slept downstairs. Before he left, he woke me up and talked to me for a little while. I'm yearning for a gentle touch and some passionate kisses and someone to share my thoughts with. I think I'm slowly getting over Aaron. Slowly but I am. That's good. I do want to go out with someone though. It's just that John is more of a father figure than a husband. I feel so young. I don't even feel real adult compared to him. Maybe I'm weird, but it's gonna make me live longer. I have good goals for myself and by the end of next year, I should look the way I want to look, be smoke-free, drug-free, alcohol-free, eat right and be slim. Sunshine - here we go! Big plans are ahead!
August 28, 1995
Boy, what a night. Because of what happened yesterday morning with bitchface Yearbrough and asshole Duggins, I've been writing SIR's all night long. I'm gonna put a copy in here, instead of writing it all down again. Aaron left after I got up this morning and came back before I left. David W lives with us now. August 29, 1995
Well, this morning was chaos. The SO 2 alarm went off and everyone evacuated the plant. They said a valve was leaking. Now they say that Finder panicked, cause the SO 2 meter was reading 5 PPM. Who knows. Paula, Joe and I talked and we tore the SIR's up. Aaron went to work today and came back to the house afterward. Well, I found out that I smoke most right before I go to work and right after I get off. Today I'm going to start slowing down. It's gonna be harder on my days off. I know I'll be able to stop now though, cause I'm getting used to the Carltons. I'd like to be completely done smoking by November.
August 30, 1995
Eric came to the PM building this morning and we talked for a few minutes. He's so cute and his smile is deadly. Anyway, Aaron was trying to get money out of me. Hahaha. He had so much time to pay for his tickets and I tried to help, but there's no way I'm gonna just give him the money. He's gonna have to learn one way or another. If I really get the money from David, most of it is gonna go toward the trampoline for David and Jenny. I guess Aaron knows now that I like Eric, cause I told Dawn about it earlier and Aaron was standing right there. I'm going to make some pretty big adjustments this week. Today I start by not smoking in the car anymore. I'm gonna clean my car up and it'll be smoke-free. No more smoked up windows and no more ashes all over the place. No more burns and no more dirty ashtray! I've gotten used to the Carltons by now, which is amazing. Next Tuesday I'm gonna start really hammering down on my smoking. I can't really call it a physical addiction anymore, cause I'm down to about 2 mg of nicotine a day, which is not much at all. I'm really gonna have to try out with the singing now. It's not even two weeks to the Fair anymore and I just have to be good. I also need to get my butt in gear about my business. Get a license etc. I wonder if Aaron gets jealous about Eric, or when other guys like David make passes on me. Or I wonder if he really cares. It really feels like I'm slowly getting over him though. Anymore I do feel that he's still got soo much growing up to do. Another thing - I want to be with someone whom I can have passionate and wild sex with. Anyway, I might get my wish once I start losing a little weight after I quit smoking. Once the smoking is done, I'm gonna start concentrating on the Mountain Dew first and then (or while) on my fat intake. Right now I'm already gonna switch to skim milk, low-fat cheese, etc. Changes that are easily done. Changes I have to think about will come later! I've only had sex with John 3 times since he came back home (almost 2 months) from trucking and I don't have any desire to have sex with him. I wish I would start my period, so I wouldn't have to do anything with him tonight. but I could imagine locking myself in a bathroom and just do it. Just like that. Pretty bad? Well, that's how I feel. I never thought I would ever feel like that. Well, I better clean my stuff up. It's only another half hour before day-shift gets here.
September 2, 1995
Back at work. I almost got my first earring done. I look really beautiful today. I even put nail polish on and just because I wanted to. Aaron brought Misty to the house. I can't believe him. Wednesday I saw a guy at 7/11 on 3300 South and 500 East who almost looked like Eric. I found out from an old regular of Sinclair who is evidentially his friend, that his name is Nick. Nick kept looking at me and I kept looking at him. Even Heather and Dawn said so. I'd like to see him again. His friend said he's around 25 or 26.
September 3, 1995
Well, I didn't see Aaron today at all. By the time I got home, Misty and him had already left. Oh well, too bad if he's mad at me again. This time he can snap out of it by himself. I'm not gonna say anything. Brandon talked to me about our little problem today and I guess I'm not so mad anymore. I have made a decision though. I need to find me some friends who are just a little bit older. I wish I had the guts the other day to talk to that Nick dude. I hope I get another chance seeing him, cause this time I'll talk to him and give him my # or something. I need a pager # so I can give it out. Anyway, I guess Eric is in California now for two weeks. Michaela is coming to UT on the 11th of September and Rita may still come too. I really truly hope so. I finished one of those earrings. I'm gonna start making things for the Swapmeet next year. Maybe I can make a living between the singing and work like that. That'll be cool. We bought a dishwasher today and we'll have carpet downstairs before October 14th. I can't wait 'till the party. I saw a Tarantula at PM today. That was cool.
September 4, 1995
I still haven't seen Aaron. I'm beginning to wonder if he's gonna go to court Tuesday. Noone has seen him. What's strange is that he hasn't even called me at work. David has disappeared too - right after he got paid. I'm pretty sure they're together and maybe Misty too. I wonder if I ever see Nick again. I'd really like to, cause this time I wouldn't be such a chicken. I miss talking to Bryan and I miss seeing Eric every morning. I wonder if this will change when they go to the Tankhouse. It would be cool if they'd both work nights and I could talk to them every time I'm on patrol or when Iím at the Main Gate. I really need to make some more friends, cause I don't have a whole lot anymore. I don't want to end up being bored all the time again.
September 5, 1995
Boy what a day. I took John's pants to work and had to run back home. I just got here. Garcia covered for me. I start liking her more and more. I guess she gave a wrong first impression. I still haven't heard from Aaron. I wonder if he skipped State with David, or they're just hiding. I'm kind of getting worried too, cause his court is tomorrow. I hope he's got the money. I paged Brandon twice today and he hasn't called back. The way it looks I really gonna have to make some new friends. I bought a bunch of stuff for the business today. I really hope everything's gonna work out great. I hope Rita's still coming to visit.
Pattern of Love
I'm reading the book "Necessary Losses". I can see myself in the book, but I can't seem to put a finger on it yet. The only thing I've noticed is that I get attached to people I have to fight for attention for. That's how it was with Doug - John is pretty cold and with Aaron I always fought for attention too. I seem to be getting better in this regard though, cause I don't go to extremes anymore. Well, I found something: I always thought I wouldn't be able to succeed until recently. Now I know why. Mom always told me I wouldn't be able to make it in this or that and she still does it, only - I never gave up and now it's paying off. OK: When I was married to Doug, I wanted everything to be "ours". Gerhard wouldn't let me touch his stuff. Now, I'm the one that makes the distinction somewhat - my car, my room, my laundry, my money, etc. To a point I guess that's ok, as long as I don't get too possessive. I guess because of de-identification, Gerhard was always the lazy one who got into trouble and I was the one who always listened to adults and was a goody-goody. And most of the time, I'm still a goody-goody, but that has changed quite a bit.
September 6, 1995
Well, I found out where Aaron was. He was stranded at Yellowstone Park. he's been back since this afternoon, but I haven't heard from him yet. I wonder if he'll call me tonight. I'm pretty confident about my songs by now. I should be doing fairly well at the fair. I've paged Brandon. I wonder if he's gonna call me back. I'm gonna do some more on my business. I wonder if I'll see Nick again sometime. Maybe on my days off? By reading my book, I found out that I possess indiscriminate guilt, because I feel guilty for the things I think about not just the things I carry out and I shouldn't. It's excessive guilt. I also shouldn't blame myself for things I have absolutely no control over.
September 7, 1995
I'm really depressed today. I don't know why. There's no real reason besides not being happy with my home life and money. It's not really real bad with money, but it's not real good either. I also hate having to work all the time. I've been sleeping a lot lately too. I'm gonna make an earring tonight.
September 10, 1995
Well, it's been a long time since I wrote in here. Well, sort of I guess. I've been pretty busy and I've been feeling pretty good again. I've spent a couple of hours with Aaron Thursday to Friday night and haven't seen him since. Well, I did Friday for about 5 minutes, but thatís all. He was high Thursday and I found out from Bryan that he's up at the Mountain again today getting high again and he told me he was gonna quit, cause of that job at the Rent-a-center. What a liar. I don't think he can quit. He's too weak, but I shouldn't be concerned about it. It's his life, not mine. I just want him to be there for me Monday when I sing. But he probably won't. He was supposed to go with me to the Fair Friday, but he told me he needed some sleep. When I talked to David he said Aaron was around at 10 pm for the last time and before that off and on, so he lied about that too. I also heard him on the radio, but he didn't talk to me. I figure, once I made some new friends, this friendship will die, just because I won't run after him anymore. I'm sick of it anyway. I really don't have any friends right now. All I have are acquaintances. But that'll change sooner or later. I'll find some good friends again. I'm so busy right now anyway. I don't know if I could handle a close friend right now. Well, I guess I could cause I'd make the time. Anyway, Thursday evening I went to the fair - for free, cause of Matt and I sang a few songs. At first I was nervous, but everyone tells me I've got a good voice, so I relaxed. Jessy, Amy and Eric went with me. Then on Friday, I went again and sang again and a lot of people told me I have a good voice. I loved it. I handed out 250 Sunshine Flyers. Something's got to come out of it. I've got my Costume all ready for Monday. I look superb. It's gonna be great and I'm gonna have success. I don't care what John says. I'll show him. he can kiss my frickin' ass. I also got some more clothes from the Thrift Store and I look great in them. I feel sexy a lot lately. Especially when I put make-up on. I even noticed that I turn guys' head at times and I love it and they're not just ugly guys either. There's some pretty good looking ones too. Like Nick. I still haven't ran across him again. Well, enough for today. Time for another cigarette.
September 11, 1995
I'm really upset with Aaron and this time our friendship may be over. He has yet to get in touch with me about later on today. Only that I don't need or want him to anymore now. Now I know that the Psychic was right concerning Aaron. He's a user and I need to stay away from him and get over him. He turned into a big time asshole. I guess that's what happens when you're a druggie. He said the other day was the last time that he was gonna do drugs and I didn't even bring opt up. He said that he wanted the job at Rent-a-center and that they do drug-tests, so he wanted to quit. I'm so sick of lies. I'm gonna write him another letter tonight and I'm gonna ask him for my keys back. It's over! I'm not gonna consider him a friend anymore from this day forward as hard as it may be. I think I'm gonna write a poem too - about our friendship from start to finish - or maybe a song. I was so much in love with him and he destroyed it all. I hate him for that. I hate him for hurting me and I hate him for destroying his life and our friendship. It's so hard to just end this friendship. He meant so much to me. It's just tearing me apart. It hurts sooo much. I wish I was magic. I'd get him off of the drugs.
My song to Aaron
I'm asking you why (to the music of Ueber den Wolken)
This song is from me to you - it tells of how much I loved you.
It tells all the stages through, from when I first laid eyes on you.
I liked your smile and how you looked, and I didn't think I would get hooked
But our friendship started great.. it felt like I've met fate
Now I'm asking you why does it feel like you've told me goodbye
I feel I've lost more than your love my dear
It's a friendship lost forever I fear
Is there a way we can repair it my friend - or is this the end
Then I fell in love with you and you told me you did too
I was happy as can be, love made me blind I couldnít see.
Cause the loving didn't last and you broke up with me fast
But you wanted to stay friends and this is not where it ends
Now I'm asking you why does it feel like you've told me goodbye
I feel I've lost more than your love my dear
It's a friendship lost forever I fear
I believe we can't repair it my friend - It looks like this is the end
I tried real hard to be your friend, but the longing did not end
But you stomped my feelings down, left me hurt with a big frown
but I've tried and I tried once more and found my face behind the door
cause you wouldn't let me in and now I'm letting you win.
Now I'm asking you why does it feel like you've told me goodbye
I feel I've lost more than your love my dear
It's a friendship lost forever I fear.
And only you can now repair it my friend - don't let this be the end
I don't understand your acts, could you please explain the facts
Tell me how you really feel and let me know that you are real
And get back on the right track cause I really want you back
Why don't you let me be your friend, don't let our caring end
And I'm asking you why do you want to say goodbye
We had so much going for us my dear
But our friendship's lost forever I fear
Please find a way and lets repair it my friend
I don't want this to end
Please don't let it end.
September 12, 1995
The Fair Showcase was great! The Video is ok. People liked my singing and a few girls even followed me and took pictures of me after catching up with me at some stand and asking if they could. That was cool. By now I passed about 500 Sunshine Flyers out. I should get some response. I still haven't heard from Aaron, but I've heard him on the CB. At first I tried calling him, but than I quit cause I don't want to be the one running after him. he didn't sound too good on the CB for some reason. Maybe he was mad. Anyway, I saw Bryan yesterday when he came in to work. In about 2 weeks, him and Eric are going to be moved to the Tankhouse. I can't wait till Eric is back from Cali. I still haven't ran into Nick. At the Fair, none of my friends showed up - only family. Pretty sad! That showed me what kind of friends I really have right now..assholes. Especially Aaron. I'm mad at Dawn too, cause she said she was gonna go.
September 13, 1995
Boy, I really really miss being with Aaron, but I'm not gonna go out looking for him this time. At least not until I've got my tape ready to give to him and then just to do just that. Dawn and Brandon aren't any friends of mine either, cause they never call or stop by anymore unless they need something. It's pretty sad. But oh well. I'm sure I'll make some new and old friends at my party on October 14th. It's only another month away. But I really hate to see Aaron and my friendship completely up in smoke. I wish he would call or stop by. I can't believe that I really mean that little to him. For God's sake - he lost his virginity to me. How can he be so indifferent?
September 14, 1995
Well, tomorrow it's gonna be a week since I've spent time with Aaron and Friday it's gonna be a week since I've seen or heard from him. Pretty sad, considering we used to at least talk together on a daily basis. Oh well, I've been busy anyway and I will be at least until the weekend. Michaela is gonna come to the house tomorrow around 8 pm. Hopefully I'll have most everything fairly clear by then. Terry (Aaron's Dad) is pretty upset at Aaron cause he doesn't do anything to help himself. I guess that's life. he won't give him anymore messages cause USA Today called for Aaron and I called his house to give him the message. Oh well, huh?! John's been pretty good about helping me out, but I do have to ask. He's gonna have to go to Republic Mortgage and the Banks today to make the payments, so we won't have to pay a late charge. John's getting a little better with the kids again and I feel a little more comfortable being with him, but I doubt that'll last. It's always been up and down with him. I want to have some wild sex with someone I find gorgeous and love. I mean wild and crazy sex... good sex. Better than ever. I've been wanting to have sex, but have no desire to do anything with John, cause I just get disappointed anyway. I want to be with a Hunk. Joe was at my post this morning, talking to me about my evaluation. Even he was praising me. I'm surprised. In a couple of weeks, I'll have insurance. Joe said that they might lift the EMT freeze soon. I hope so, cause I really want to get it. Then I'll get more overtime too.
September 15, 1995
Boy, this was another one of these crazy starts at work. I forgot my boots and had to drive (fly) back home to get them. kitty stayed 12 minutes longer for me. I brought all of my sowing stuff. My room downstairs is almost done. It will be done tomorrow. It looks cool. Michaela came by earlier and brought some tapes and Magazines from Germany for me. It was good to see her again. She's gonna go to the fair with me Saturday. On the way to work I heard Aaron and Brandon on the CB and I talked to Aaron for a minute. I asked him to call me tonight and he said he would. Well, we'll see I guess. If he doesn't though, I won't contact him again until I've made that darn tape I wanna make him. Anyway, I would like to take Dawn, Brandon and Aaron with me to the fair Saturday. Maybe Eric or Ben too, cause that's how many tickets I'll have. Aaron never did call.. OH well! I guess I shouldn't even care anymore. He evidentally doesn't. I can't believe he's so damn cold. what a guy. And then he says he doesn't want to hurt anyone and he said a long time ago when we were going out and I told him how John had changed, how he would never change. Well, he did! A lot! I don't like the "now" Aaron at all. He's an asshole! I guess I'll show him one day. One day he'll find out what he's lost when I can finally break lose! I'm already sick of it. All I have to do is find someone to replace him and he'll be out of the window!. The following paragraph is in the book I'm reading: Whether or not we agree that we need to own life insurance to qualify as grown-ups, to be a man or a woman, is to be responsible. Responsible means that we make and keep commitments. Responsible means, of course, that we tie our own shoes. But it also means that we are not allowed to blame our terrible childhood - or passion, temptation, ignorance or innocence - for acts that are ours, for deeds that we indeed do! For if, in fact, we do them, we are responsible. Mourning of our lost childhood - without really knowing that we mourn - is another - a central task - of adolescence. There are various ways to evade or accomplish that task: Drugs can blunt the mourning. Why not get high instead of cry. and if this tactic fails and separation pain cannot be held at bay - there may be crippling depression, breakdowns or suicide. Running into marriage is a form of running away from dealing with separation!
September 16, 1995
Well, I still didn't talk to Aaron, but I did talk to Brandon. I guess Aaron thinks no one cares about him anymore. I'm gonna make the tape tomorrow and drop it off. I also wanna write some stuff down. I don't know why, but this thing with Aaron bugs me so much. I want to see him off of drugs and I want to see him being as close to me as we used to be. We saw each other almost every day and we talked and talked and talked. I miss that Aaron so much. It hurts me to see him destroy himself. He used to be such a great person. If I could turn back time, I would've never gotten involved with him. The times we've had together were great and I don't even want to miss that memory. I also miss his strong hugs and his humor. He always made me laugh. He built my self-esteem a lot. I still love him a lot in a way and I guess I always will, cause no one can take the time of great memories back! Him - a nineteen year old was able to give me something no one else was ever able to. Therefore, he'll always be in my heart and the memory will always be bittersweet. I still want to get to meet Nick and get to know Eric. Sometimes I wonder if Aaron would come back to me if I was single, but I don't think so. Eric is back from vacation and I look like shit.
September 18, 1995
I don't think I have the time to explain everything in detail, but Aaron committed himself to get off of drugs and straighten his life out. It's gonna be tough on him, and I hope he'll make it through.
September 21, 1995
Now that I'm back at work, I can explain everything that went on while I was off in detail: Let's start with Saturday - shortly before I got off of work, Eric walked in and talked to me for a minute. Then he said he'd talk to me some more later - he had to go to the meeting. I was relieved before later arrived though and I left without being able to tell him bye. I hope he's going to show up at the party. Now, I went to sleep for a few hours and then went to Texaco with Dawn, where I ran into Aaron (we came from the Thrift Store). He was totally on edge. I started talking to him about the Fair and how much I wanted to have him go with us. He said he wasn't sure yet, cause he had something going on Sunday and Saturday evening he was supposed to go somewhere with Mike, Summer and Ben. He said he was going to give me an answer at 7 pm (this was 5 pm). I told him I wanted to hear a yes or no and I wanted him to keep what he said. At 7 pm he actually did come to Texaco. He was helping Brent in the store, cause Sunny couldn't. He told me he'd go to the fair with me. I was already a happy camper about that. I talked to him for a little while and I told him that I'll never give up on him, that I know what's inside of him and that I'll always be there for him. He started talking about NAC and I told him that he needs to put the past behind. I told him I'd like to have the past back too (him), but that it's over and that I have to go on and that he needs to quit worrying about a mistake from the past and that he needs to get his life back together and find a new job. He said "Now, huh?" and I said "Yes, NOW!" Then I told him that if he ever wants to get away and change his life around, that he can come t my house and I'll tell everyone that I don't know where he is and help him in every way I can, except for money. I told him that that's all I'm gonna say that the offer stands and as long as he's ready to commit for 30 days, he can come to me at any time. Then he went back in the store. Around 11 pm Joe called Brandon and me in the store and Brent said that Aaron wanted to tell us something. Aaron told us that he's having a nervous breakdown. He was suicidal. He did 4 drops of acid Friday morning and is still tripping and that he wants to quit ALL drugs and needs our help. He was crying and I was hugging him. He ended up committing himself for the 30 days. I told him that I had been waiting for that day for 6 months and that it was the happiest day of my life, which he later said it was his too. Since then, we've got the money together to pay off his tickets that are due by selling his car and working for Intermountain. He started to show his mother respect again and she thanked me for it. She said I amazed her in more than one way. Even his Dad was happy. Today, he told Eric that he quit drugs and that he's in a 30 day program and that he wants Eric to quit. He told him to talk to us if he wants to quit. Tonight Aaron spent some time with Brandon and is now at his house. Tomorrow I'm gonna pick him up first thing in the morning and we're gonna straighten his tickets out. He's talked about cravings, but that he won't get weak. He said he wants to make something out of his life now and that he'll never start again. I love him for that decision cause everyone is happy now. Well, and thatís the whole story. Oh - he's gonna try for a full-time job cause I told him he needs one if he wants to make something out of himself. I'm gonna start a second job, hopefully at Rainbo 24 - 32 hours a week, so I can get my bills paid faster.
September 22, 1995
Yesterday morning I spent with Aaron. I have another job now at Rainbo which I went to Orientation for at 6 pm. I'm starting Monday. Aaron does not have a warrant for his arrest anymore and he's gotten his Drivers license back. I'm so happy for him. Now he's back to his old self. He's thankful and caring again. I hope that it stays that way. He said it would. The bad thing about this is, I'm falling for him again. Now I remember why I fell for him to begin with. He's so cute. Well, if nothing else, I do count him as my best friend. I don't have a better one. He's everything to me. Maybe one day in the future we'll even get back together, cause I can tell that he still likes me a lot, but I won't be the one asking. It has to be him and it has to be a while from now. Maybe a couple months down the road. Watts gave me a bunch of shit today - what an immature little brat. Well, he's another one of those Marine Military assholes and a brown-noser - big time. He said he had to stay 15 minutes late the day I asked Kitty to stay late, cause Kitty messed up and didn't get here until late. What a joke. He didn't even work on post 4. He didn't have nothing to do with my being late, nor did he have to talk to Joe and Mike instead of telling me. Anyway, I told him that I wouldn't work for him after today and he became totally unglued.
September 22, 1995
Well, I'm back to work already. Aaron was able to get his drivers license. I'm so glad. This book I'm reading suggests that there is no marriage that lives up to the marriage we want and that over time, we won't like each other. Doug and my marriage though was basically good until he started cheating on me. I also believe that I can marry someone I truly and deeply love and it stays that way. The other day when Aaron and I were talking he called me Monika Wahe. I kind of ignored it, cause I don't know if it was just a slip or if he really feels that way. Wifes conform more to husbands' expectations than husbands do to wives. Wifes make more concessions and adaptations. And wifes suffer more depression, phobias and other emotional problems. Despite all these problems, more women than men find marriage a source of happiness. Women have a greater need for love and companionship in a lasting relationship and demonstrate this need by clinging to marriage regardless of the cost. I find that Doug and I had a "Sunshine" marriage, which presents a facade of happiness and denies and keeps inner realities out of sight. at least for most of the years. We were the envy of others, but we paid the price. Aaron called. He was at Brent's house. I'm glad. He said his car-parts are gonna run him $60,-. We're gonna go to the Open House here at noon, after I got a few hours of sleep. I'm glad I'm off Sunday, so I can do something with Aaron. John asked me yesterday if we could make an appointment for Sex. I told him sometime when I'm off of work. I really don't want to though.
September 24, 1995
Today I took Aaron, David, Jenny and Willy to the Open House at the Refinery. It was fun. Then we dropped the kids off and went to Junk yards. It's messed up. The more I'm around Aaron again, the "old Aaron", the deeper I fall again and the more I long for him. I mean I'm glad he changed back and all, but it's so sad, cause I really love him a lot. Again, I wish he was older! Maybe then he would want to be with me. Well, maybe one of these days.
September 26, 1995
I started my new job today. I like it, cause it's a change of pace compared to here at Kennecott. I'm getting $5,-/hour and Iím gonna figure out later how long it'll take me till I can quit that job again. I'd like to keep it till January, pay most of the bills off and then put John on the spot. It's gonna be hard, cause I know he's gonna be hurt, but I haven't had husband - wife feelings for him for so long now, it's getting real depressing. I really want to do it faster now. Aaron was talking about getting a HUD-home with me once I left John and when I asked him what we would do if one or the other would want to move out he said something like he doesn't think we're ever gonna separate anyway. The problem is, we're not together. Then he said that he told Jacky he didn't want a girlfriend, that he wasn't ready for one and when I looked at him he said, "cause I need to straighten some things out in my life." It looks like he still loves me, but how can anybody be sure about anything like that. I went to Tim's birthday party today. At first I thought that I was gonna feel out of place, but I didn't I really like the Wahe's and I like Danette too. She's really nice. Tonight I got a close look at Tim and Aaron does resemble him in some ways. I feel Danette and I could be sisters. I like Penny and Terry too. Aaron told me when I told him I thought his family is cool, that I could be "adopted" too, like Dawn. I wouldn't mind that a bit. I'm surprised that they accepted me like they did. I'm thinking that Penny figured out that there's more feeling than friendship between Aaron and I, but again, it's something I can't be sure about. I'm glad Aaron is off of drugs. I'm happy for him. Now he just has to straighten the rest out and get himself a job. I still think Eric is cute.
September 27, 1995
Boy, I just got done working at 8 hours at Rainbo, but I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. I didn't have anymore training to do and was regular at my store. It was a little overwhelming at first, but by the end of the night it was ok. I'm gonna start on my earring tonight. Aaron borrowed my car today. He'll probably come to the gate tonight. We're gonna go get his windshield tomorrow. He was with Jacky and Eric today.
September 30, 1995
For the first time in a long time, I told Aaron "I love you" over the phone earlier. It felt so good to be able to use these three little words and actually mean them. Over the couple days I was off, I made up my mind to leave John after the party. I will talk to him on the 15th. So tomorrow in two weeks is it. I told David and he's ok with it. I won't tell Jenny until the day it happens. I am so scared! I know John is gonna end up crying. I don't know if I can handle that. I mean I don't love him as a wife anymore, but I guess what I feel for him is pity, cause I know how it feels to be left like that. On the other hand, there is Aaron, who told me Wednesday that he's gonna be there for me. When I asked him (I finally had enough guts to) if we'd ever be boyfriend and girlfriend again, he told me that there will never be anyone else in his life, that he loves me and wants to be with me. Today he told me that someday he wants to have a child. My child. He said he never felt like this about anyone and never will again. We're so close and I want to be with him! He means so much to me. He's so different from anyone else and I still think we were promised to each other before we were born. I tried so hard to forget about him, to hate him, but nothing worked. He was always in my mind and in my heart. I'm not jealous anymore like I used to be - I can't explain why - it's just the way it is! I told him I wanted him to be open about our relationship once we're going out and he said he would. He also said he would talk to me about everything. I told him I was gonna change my name back to Boggus at the divorce and he started saying "and then to" he didn't finish it, but I knew he was gonna say Wahe. I want to ask him if he will go with me to the Dinetics Foundation. Now I'm gonna figure out my bills and I also want to write John a "Dear John" letter. That's almost pathetic. By the way, Aaron wants to be there when I tell him that it's over. I'm glad that he's gonna back me up.
October 1, 1995
I think I'm gonna tell John Monday. I'm so sick of it, I might as well get it over with. Plus, the sooner it's over, the sooner I can be with Aaron. Today when I told him bye and he got out of the car, I said "Aaron", he looked back in the car and I said "Guess what?" and smiled at him and he said "me too". We don't even need to say it. We know it. It feels so good. He did say "love you" right before he closed the door though. I want to hold him so bad, but I need to get everything done first. I want to lay next to him when I sleep and hear him breath, feel his body next to mine. He is so sweet, so good-looking, so nice, so warm, so wonderful. I hope nothing is ever gonna come between us again. I don't ever get jealous about anyone anymore, cause I know he loves me. It's a wonderful feeling. I want to make him the happiest man on earth. I want him to never regret choosing me over everyone else and I will do anything I can to keep the passion going, the romance flowing.
October 2, 1995
I'm going crazy. I'm so worried about tonight. I hope everything is gonna go smooth. I probably end up bawling. But once it's out, the stress is gonna be over and I'll be thankful for that. I talked to Karon tonight and sheís gonna be there for me tomorrow. Aaron was surprised through the kind of shit we went through. Together and separate. He said it's time it's over and he's right! But I feel sad for John. I know he's gonna take it hard. But I can't make everyone's life miserable, just to save John from getting his heart broke. I have to be strong for the kids' sake and for mine and Aaron's sake. I wanna be with Aaron. I love him and I long for his touch.
October 3, 1995
Well, I did it. I talked to John and our marriage is over. I feel relieved, but also scared about the future. I hope everything will work out between Aaron and I, but at times I'm not so sure he really knows that he wants to be with me. I think I'm not gonna say another thing to him, and just be his friend and act normal until he comes up to me. After just getting off of the phone with him, I might start holding back telling him that I love him too, until he's more comfortable saying it. Anyway, no matter how things go with Aaron, I'm happy about not having the burden with John anymore. At least the kids will be healthier in their minds. But I do love Aaron and I hope he meant what he had said about wanting to spend his life with me.
October 4, 1995
I had a good talk with Aaron today, after talking to Karon. I told Aaron that I feel that he's scared about having a relationship. I also told him that I think it's still gonna be there in 5 years from now if he's not gonna break through that wall and try it out. I explained to him how it feels to me to be "just friends". How much I want to be his girlfriend and how I feel that every time I say something to that effect, he pulls away, cause he's scared. He says that he still feels the same about me, that he still thinks there's never gonna be anyone else. I guess we'll just talk and I'll just wait until he comes around. Someday he will. I haven't seen John at all today. The kids had to make their own dinner cause I was at work. Well, I quit my job at Rainbo, so I can be home with the kids in the afternoons. I looked at John's security card and started to bawl. It's not really hard on me until I get reminded. I guess I weaned myself from him already by hardly ever being at home. I really believe that it's better this way. There couldn't have been much love left if I think about him so little. I just feel so bad about hurting him, but I can't mistake that as love or I'll get in trouble. I need to get a Psychologist to help me out!
October 5, 1995
Well, I'm gonna try to find an apartment tomorrow. When John got home from work, we talked about bills. Then he started talking about reasons again. The first thing he said was "When are you and Aaron gonna get married?" I told him that we're not and that I don't know if I'll ever get married again. I told him that I'm not made to be married and that I can understand where Doug was coming from saying "I don't know" and cheating on me. He kept asking me what we could do to save the marriage. I told him there was no sense in even trying anymore, that it feels like he's my Dad. He kept asking me for reasons and finally I told him that the kids hate him and that no one else likes him either, cause of his attitude. I told him how much his lie had hurt me about Jeff and how he drove him away. How much I had wanted to adopt Jeff, that I loved him and wanted him to be part of the family and that he was the one who destroyed it all. That was the start. I finally know when it all started. It was in June or July of 1994 when all this happened. That's when I started to really see the kind of guy John is. He asked me several times how long Aaron and Eric will stay in the house and I told him as long as I stay. Then tonight he told me he's gonna have Willy and Jim removed tomorrow. I told him I might was well move out, cause that's what keeps the bills paid. I'm meeting Aaron here tonight and then I'll try to find a place to live tomorrow. I need to get out of this house. I can't take this shit anymore - his accusations about Aaron, his sadness, his anger - it's too much for me. I don't care how hard it's gonna be. I can always try to get Food stamps again. There's no way I can or want to get housing, cause I want to live with Aaron! He's going to help me out. Maybe it would be ok to live with him as best friends for years to come, cause it will take me a long time before I think about getting married again and Aaron and I get along so good being best friends and all. But I do need to get me a place ASAP. I'm getting paid $230 from APS on Friday and hopefully that's when I get the Fosterpay too. I also have my Visa for a down payment so it's no big deal cause I'll get ahead again once Aaron has work. Plus, I could get a loan consolidation. Willy told me that John wants him to testify against me in court about Aaron. Fuck him! I hate John! He's being so mean about the whole situation! He was telling me that he doesn't take it as easy as I do. I told him "oh, it's easy to stand at work and wish the SO2 tank would blow up so you wouldn't have to deal with it and he said he had a shotgun upstairs. What an asshole! He said I could use it first and then he'd use it. I didn't say I was gonna kill myself on purpose, I just wished something would've happened. I was so happy with him when I first met him - why did he have to change - or if he didn't, why couldn't I see the way he treated the kids? When I told him that I was living for my kids, he laughed and said "Yeah right, when you're never home!" What a dork! At least I don't feed them Peanutbutter-jelly sandwiches for dinner, just because I'm too lazy to cook!
October 8, 1995
Boy oh boy. What a time in my life. I'm happy, sad, and scared all at the same time. Actually the sadness kind of went away and has bee replaced with anger. I want to move and I want to move quick. I guess John is planning on having someone follow me so he'll know where I live. He said he was wanting to have the biker gang (Margrets) there when I move, so he can be there to see what I take and that I won't take anything he doesn't want me to take. Willy overheard him talking on the phone and he said I was a bitch and didn't deserve anything. Brandon said he told him that he's dating a girl and he thinks John said her name was Charlotte. He said John was gonna call Penny and let her know that I was cheating on him with Aaron. He said that Aaron is better watching his behind. He also said that John was planning to fuck me over (he won't be able to) that he's gonna keep the car and not pay me $10,000.-. Dawn said that John was talking about the biker gang and how he's gonna make my life miserable. He'll do anything to hurt me mentally. What a son of a bitch! He can kiss my ass. I should go through court and try to get everything he owns. But for what? I want out of this as soon as possible, not drag it on for months. I want to move when John is at work, so I won't have to deal with a biker gang and the possibility of getting Aaron hurt. I don't care about myself. I can find revench, but I do care about what happens to Aaron. I would have to kill him and go to prison if he'd seriously hurt Aaron. I wouldn't mind going to prison for that. He still doesn't believe that Aaron has absolutely nothing to do with my decision to divorce him. It's his way of ruining my kids' life - always yelling and screaming - never praising them. It's his ugly bold head and mustache. It's his old age attitude. It's his lack of romance and it's his sucky way of having 2-minute sex. If I was a bitch, I would tell him all that, but I don't want to have to. He wasn't a husband for the longest time - he was a Dad. The only good about this marriage was that he was reliable. Why does he have to involve Aaron? Yes, I love Aaron, I want to be with Aaron, but that has nothing to do with him. He just doesn't get it. Aaron just came along at the right time of my life. My birthday sucked. Here I am, being 30 years old and still don't have the life that I want. But I don't feel 30. I'm still young. Yesterday I was just a Teenager. I really feel like I'm 21. I'm sorry David had such a rotten Birthday, but at least he had a cake and a party. All this is so hard on the kids. I hate John for being the way he is. I can't wait until all of this is over, cause I know I'll be happy again, the kids will straighten up and I'll be with Aaron and the kids. Aaron, Eric and I had a small party for me last night. We didn't get wasted, but we each had a beer. I almost fell asleep on Aaronís chest, in his arms, but I made myself move, cause I Knew John was gonna come in in the morning and he did. Aaron and I kissed and it felt so good to be close to him again, but I know we have to keep it cool for a while, so nothing will happen. I hate John for me having to hide my feelings like that. It's just not fair! NO there's really no love left. Only hate! I hate him with a passion! I'm gonna start boxing stuff up tomorrow and putting it downstairs so it's all ready to move. Hopefully I can move to that place in Bountiful. That's where I want to be and it feels like I'm supposed to be there too. I can't wait till I can be alone with Aaron, Eric and the kids. It's gonna be great and I know that Aaron won't wake me up every morning. He's too considerate. Oh, he's got a job. He past the drug-test and works for 6.25 at Napa Auto parts as a driver. I'm so happy for him. Now we just have to find Eric something.
October 9, 1995
I trusted my intuition and everything worked out. I told John that maybe down the line - after the divorce, when everything cooled down, we can work on a relationship again. Now he's nicer. He told me what everybody told him and Brandon does talk too much. He told me he had wanted to kill Aaron. My Aaron. Well, he would've been next. It's not Aaron's fault - it's mine. I wanted Aaron - and I still do. But he has nothing to do with my not loving John. I think Doug would understand. Everything has its reason and I believe I was with John to know how Doug felt when we separated. I told John about the love letters David wrote to me. He said he understood now why David got all red in the face and all nervous when John said he was gonna kill Aaron. I can't get over that. He was gonna kill Aaron? What an idiot! I'm just gonna play the game now, cause that's what he wants. I can't trust him anymore and I have to protect whom I love. Nothing is ever gonna happen to Aaron because of me. Nothing!! Shauna's sister Cindy bought David a birthday present. She's cool. She's gonna help me get a better relationship with Shauna. Maybe it works. Anyway, I'd like to be Cindy's friend, cause the kids like her kids and she seems to be nice. I wish Aaron could hold me in his arms right now. I love lying on his chest, being held.
October 10, 1995
I think I've made Aaron mad at me. I was on the phone with him when Mavis walked in and I didn't want to say why I had to go and I ended up probably sounding pissed off. I really didn't mean to. I asked him to call me back which he didn't and his line is still busy now. I know he's asleep by now. I hope I can reach him before he goes to work so I can tell him I'm sorry. It's all I need right now... having Aaron mad at me. I'm just so frustrated and stressed about everything. I want out of John's house now! Aaron dedicated a love song to me. It's a really cute song. Something about loving me. He sang part of it to me too. Gosh, right now I feel like crying. Everything is so hard on me right now. I'm frustrated about not finding an apartment, stressed about John and not getting enough sleep, depressed about the whole situation and upset for being so stupid. The only thing that keeps me from giving up is the thought of laying in Aaronís arms and being his girlfriend. I just hope it'll really happen. I'd really give up if he'd decided against being with me. That's one thing that would drive me overboard right now. I need him so much right now!
October 11, 1995
Well, Aaron was mad at me until he read my letter and got the explanation. I was denied at Atherton Park Apartments and most likely at Bountiful Manor apartments. I put an application in at Driftwood Park Apartments and I'm hoping I'll be approved on that tomorrow. I can't stand being in the same house with John any longer. Aaron was depressed tonight cause Eric seems to be back at doing drugs and Aaron feels that Sunny has taken away all of his friends cause of the drugs. We went to Andrewsís house and I guess that made him feel a little better. I wish I had the power to make him feel good like he has with me. But I don't. I don't know if we'll ever really be together, but I sure hope we are. I found out at work that Mavis is the back stabber and that Shelly and I are her pets. Fuck that! I asked Joe for a spot on days when available.
October 12, 1995
We were finally approved at Driftwood Apartments and we're gonna start moving tomorrow. Aaron thinks that we can do it all in one day. As of yet, we don't even have a truck. Chris said he might let Aaron borrow the truck if he can use Aaron's car. But the way it sounded, I doubt it. Aaron went to Andrew's house after I left for work and hopefully he can use Andrew's truck. Chris gave us some boxes. I should have enough now - hopefully anyway. When I get home in the morning, I'm gonna start draining the bed first thing, then clean the car out, pack a few boxes, go to Driftwood at 10 am to pay the rent and sign the contract and then go to sleep until 5 pm. Then I'll pack some more shit until Aaron gets there. Maybe we can move everything tomorrow, but I seriously doubt it. I have to do the laundry in the morning too. I'm gonna ask John if I can do laundry once a week at his house if I do his laundry too. Let's see what he says. It would save me some money and him time. He's gonna go tomorrow to see about the loan. It would be super if I could get the money before November 1st, cause then I could start the divorce immediately too and wouldn't have to worry about a car payment anymore. Another thing: As soon as I got the car paid off, I'm gonna try to sell it for $8000,- and then I'll turn around and buy myself a Chevy Corsica with cash. I'd like to have a white one. And then I'm gonna have to start thinking about Christmas and the down payment for a house. I can't wait till I'm alone (away from John) with Aaron. Right now we just tell each other that we love each other, but that's all. I want to lay in his arms again, have him hold me and maybe kiss me too. I just thought about something: I prayed to get this apartment and my prayer was answered. Maybe I am worthy enough to have God listen to my prayers. I also promised (just like Aaron) never to touch pot again (I haven't for a long time, but with everyone doing it, I have been tempted) and I also promised now not to steal anything ever again. I want to have a great family. I also want to get my operation done in a couple of years and I want another child. I'd really would like to have another boy. I love raising boys. They're so much easier. Jenny always has been harder than David, but she's still my girl and I still love her just as much. I just need to put some effort into her so she turns out right. She might end up having to go through counseling again. I really feel sorry for my kids. They've been through hell. I hope for their sake that we'll never move again once we're in our new house next year. I just got off of the phone with Aaron. Andrew's helping us tomorrow, but theyíre not gonna be at the house until 7 pm. Well, hopefully I can at least get everything packed by then. Maybe I can even tear apart the waterbed and the dining-table. We'll probably have 4 or 5 truckloads full. Aaron isn't aware of all the shit I've got. It's a lot of stuff, especially with the kidís stuff. When I didn't hang up right away he said "You're waiting for me to say it, don't you?" I knew what he meant, and I kind of wondered if he would, but I always (or most of the time) wait for the other person to hang up first before I hang up. But he did say 3 before he hung up. He's so cute. I just hope he will go through his fear and be with me despite his fear.
October 14, 1996
Well, I've got everything out of John's house and I'm glad. He made this big fuzz cause in his eyes I took everything. Hahaha! He doesn't have to go buy anything,. I have no pots and pans, vacuum, shower curtain, or can opener and I had to buy new dinnerware. I have no washer or dryer, couch, coffee or end tables. but I took everything. We had a big fight right in front of Aaron and Andrew. He pissed me off so bad. I told him I'm never gonna see him again once I'm out of the house. That's when he started getting nice again. Aaron and Andrew were great though. All I did was pack. I hardly moved anything. I only had to load one truckload and two carloads and I unloaded my car once that's all. And then, when I went to sleep today, Aaron put the bed together and cleaned the rest up good enough so it looks decent. Aaron is wonderful. He said he's gonna help me put the bed together today. I'm gonna buy food and necessities today. I also have to pay my car-insurance, go to the Food bank and do a little laundry at John's. I feel so good at our apartment. Something I noticed today is that we live in apartment #31. It fits to my code with Aaron 3 for "I love you" and 1 for "kisses and hugs". It feels peaceful in the apartment too and I sleep well. I feel bad smoking inside. I can't wait until the waterbed is set up. I hope. I hope we're gonna get close again now that John ain't a worry anymore.
October 19, 1995
I've got to write all in black today, cause I've forgotten my pens. Lots has happened since the 14th. Aaron and I are boyfriend and girlfriend again and it feels wonderful. He's such a special guy. It's so easy to talk about things with him. I guess my prayer has been answered. John is going to file for the divorce. I think he finally realizes what's going on. He asked me yesterday "It's all me isn't it?" I told him that it takes two to tango. He went and saw a Psychologist and he told John to back off. That he's driving me away. John let me use the van today to pick up a couch and armchair and an end-table I've gotten for free from CAP. My apartment is pretty much fully furnished now. All I need now is a coffee table, a cordless phone, an answering machine and a washer and dryer. I put in for a $1000,- loan at American First Credit Union. I'm hoping to get at least part of that. I'll know in the morning. I'm gonna have to pawn something if I don't, cause I'm $80 in the hole in my account. I need to cover that. If I do get it, I can bring all my bills back up to date and buy all the stuff I still need. My car is in the shop and I'm driving a rental car. Something is wrong with the lifters. I guess it'll be done tomorrow. I'm gonna bring it to Layton as soon as possible to try to trade it in. Layton because they advertise on the TV that they trade in any vehicle no matter how much you still owe on it, so I'm gonna try. Jenny got beat up earlier from an 8 year old boy. She's got a black eye and a bloody nose. I called the police and they can't do anything about it, cause he's still so young. I don't understand the law. They're gonna let him kill someone before they do something about it. His mother didn't care - just stood there and watched. I was out picking up Aaron from work.
October 21, 1995
Boy, this is going to be interesting. I'm already tired. I didn't get to go to sleep until 12:15 am. I should've just went to bed at 10:00pm like I had planned, but Aaron threw those plans to hell. He cons me into things and I'm not going to let him anymore. I wanted him to spend some time with me cause I'm going to work a lot from now on, but he had things to do as he put it and didn't get home till 9 pm. Then he wanted me to buy beer and of course I didn't go to bed at 10:00 pm. Not anymore though. I'm still pissed when I think about it. He says he hates to be controlled. Well, if that's controlling then I guess I'll quit it, but won't let him control me anymore either. Let's just see how long the relationship is going to last then, cause we'll hardly see each other anymore between my need to work a lot, sleep when I can and go singing every now and again and his need of "doing things" when I do have time. I feel like I have to be disinterested for him to give me attention. That's not right. But I'm so busy right now, the game is going to be easy to play. I'm gonna write him a letter and I'm gonna write it in here to remind myself what I promised to myself and him.
I'm taking the chance of getting you upset with this letter, but I need to get things off of my chest and it wouldn't be fair to you if I would keep my feelings to myself. I just hope you're adult enough to see things rational, put yourself in my shoes and see where I'm coming from. I'm still a little upset about last night. You practically told me to shut up when I wanted to tell you my view about your feeling "controlled". Maybe not in so many words, but sometimes actions speak louder than words. My remark about you and Brandon being somewhat alike was because I don't feel we have spent a whole lot of quality time together. Yeah, you've been home and yes you slept at home every night, but I was busy putting things away and cleaning the biggest part of that time. I really didn't do much with you. Yet you say we've been together every day. Now I know how Dawn feels when Brandon tells her the same thin. I would like to be with you and just you once a week or so. Maybe going somewhere or even just being home watching a movie or something, but at a time when I'm not busy. At a time when I can relax and not just for an hour either. And then a few days a week we can do stuff together but with other people around and the rest of the time we can do things on our own. But I made a promise to myself yesterday and I feel even stronger about it today. As much as I'm going to work in the next while, I'm not going to sacrifice my sleep for you anymore just because you decide that's when you're gonna be home. I'm dead tired today. yes, it's somewhat my fault too, but that's because I didn't want to give up my original plan I had about last night. I'm not going to make nay more plans that include you. From now on I'm gonna push what I feel aside. I don't want to end up fighting like Brandon and Dawn do. I love you too much to lose you. I figure if you want to be with me, you're gonna ask me what my schedule looks like and adjust your life to be with me. I won't have a whole lot of time trying to adjust mine. Aaron, I do want to let you know that it does hurt me, cause I feel rejected and put down. It feels like you don't enjoy being with me and that you're just doing it because I want you to. I won't ask if you're gonna be there, call me or do something with me anymore, even though it's gonna be hard. You know my phone number and my schedule is gonna be in the schedule book. So if you want to be there when I'm there and awake, you can! Maybe that'll show me too how much you do care for me. You know, people in a relationship should make sacrifices for each other. It can't be just one person who'll always give and that ain't got nothing to do with being controlled. That has something to do with having consideration with a partners needs. All I ask for is one day of quality time together a week and maybe a few days with friends if I have the time for that. Is that really that much to ask? But I won't ask you anymore cause it seems if I ask something of you, you do the opposite. So there's no sense! - scared of closeness -
October 22, 1995
Well, I read the letter to him before I went to work. He woke me up at the same time that the alarm went off at 10:45 pm. I left a little late cause we talked a little about the letter and about how he felt, cause he was depressed and he had bought two beer. I called him back right after I got here. I guess Ben, Eric and Sunny told him he was stupid and no friend of theirs and to stay away. I tried telling him that it's because of the drugs. He needs to make some new friends instead of dwelling on the old no good ones. He was also depressed cause Andrew hasn't been around. Then he told me that he likes being with me and that he knows that I'm not trying to control him, but that he still feels that way. He says that a lot of things confuse him and that he still has a lot to learn, that it's his age. I told him that I know that and that's one reason I do what I do. Another one is that I don't want to lose him, that I want this relationship and the way I planned it,he won't be able to think that I'm controlling him. He cried a little and I ended up with tears in my eyes. He says he's having a nervous breakdown and that he feels he's stupid I think he was a little better by the time we hung up and he said he was going to bed. He was suicidal too. I hope I was able to make him feel a little bit better. I wish I had more time to spend with him, but I need to get my financial situation straightened out first. Aaron is so dear to me. I know, with a little time, everything will work out. I might get down sometimes, but I need to remind myself to give him time to adjust and just keep talking and hanging on. It'll work out in the long run. He's the sweetest guy I've ever met so far and the first guy where I actually can feel that he loves me.
October 23, 1995
Aaron wanted me to wait for him at Mavericks today before I left for work. I got hold of him on the CB. Just because he wanted to give me a hug goodbye. That was sweet. He also came home shortly after I came home from work and stayed until I went to bed. I'm glad I've got Aaron. I know if I worked hard I could manage on my own and I know I could emotionally, but it's so much nicer, so much easier and so much more rewarding to have him by my side. I really do love him a lot. I'm gonna have to call John tomorrow to see if I received any more mail. Maybe I'll pick it up before he gets off of work. I hope Aaron will spend some time with me tomorrow evening.
October 25, 1995
I found out Doug's new phone number. He actually paid his child support for October. Recovery Services will worry about his September payment. John paid for the divorce and got the paperwork all ready for me to sign. Everything is the way I wanted it. We'll be divorced in January. I need to take David and Jenny to therapy. Brandon came to visit tonight, which was a nice change. I wish Andrew would come and see Aaron sometime. Aaron needs more of his good friends. He sees the bad ones too much. I love him and I wish I could let the whole world know. Well, maybe one day I will be able to. I think my Mom already knows and I know that Dawn and Brandon know. I want to start losing some weight again and get rid of that fat stomach. I hope I'm not getting depressed again. I was pretty good so far, ever since I moved out of John's house. I got my period today and I'm really tired, so maybe my mind just wants to get even, but I just had this bang of sadness come over me for divorcing John, as I looked him up in the computer. Or maybe it's hitting home, cause he's the one who did the divorce papers. I don't feel love, just sadness. Maybe it's also because I knew John would never break up with me and I'm not so sure if I'll grow old with Aaron. I guess I could say he was a security blanket. I think I might go over the edge if Aaron leaves me right now. I'm tired of trying. I'm just hoping that, since it feels so different, it'll last. But it also feels too good to be true, so I don't really trust the situation. I'm getting really scared for some reason, even though I had a pretty good card reading tonight. I'm just glad I don't have to go to court for the divorce, cause I don't know if I could handle it. Yeah, I'm depressed. I guess it's just this time of the month. I'm so sick of getting depressed. Why does it always have to happen to me? I hate depression. I wish Aaron was here right now, or I could call him. I know he could make me feel better. Just his presents can make me feel good. I hope everything goes smooth with the loan, so I can get me a new car and start paying my debt off. Then I won't have to work so much anymore either. I want to save $2000 up too, so I can have another baby and I want to lose about 30 lbs so I can look good and feel good without a second thought. I know now what it is - I miss my house, the stability and security I had with John and I work too much and get too little sleep.
October 27, 1995
Well, Aaron and I got drunk yesterday. We started talking about my weight and I found out that Aaron would like me to lose a few lbs too. He gets embarrassed when people call him my son. So I'm gonna start TOPS next Wednesday again. I went to Jenny Craig, but they're outrageous. I'm through being fat. I'm so sick of it and now I'm not just gonna do it for myself, I'm gonna do it so I'm sexy. Aaron keeps talking about how confused he is, well I am too. He wishes I was younger and I wish he was older. I just hope we'll work out. He said he didn't want to get married till he's 23. Well, if we're together that long and still get along, I guess it would have to work.
October 28, 1995
I'm working overtime today. I had a real bad time earlier, but I'm awake now. I took two Mini-thins. One around 8:30 and another one around 9:30 and they didn't help until 10:30. I wrote a letter to Aaron on the computer last night and because I wrote it on the wrong drive, I couldn't print it. So tonight, I'm gonna copy it on paper. I did make my own diet plan and it starts on the first of November. Aaron's gonna be happy that he's my boyfriend once I'm done losing my weight. I would like to teach Aaron a few things about being together. Shelly is going to give me this couples game. I looked good in front of the bosses today, cause I caught the Field Supervisor sitting in the lot and since he looked suspicious, I had Mike check it out. Moss and Burr were here at the time. Boy, I'm gonna have 12 hours overtime this week. That's cool. Aaron was in a bad mood last night. I laid beside him and snuggled up to him for a while. I donít know how he felt about it, but I love laying in his arm. We're gonna go to St. George's car lot and see if he can get a car today and then I'm gonna go to sleep for at least 5 hours.
October 29, 1995
Today was one of the nicer days for me regarding Aaron. I wish he'd always be like this. In the evening we watched Casper together and I was leaning against him and he put his arm around me.
October 30, 1995
Today I'm gonna work another 16 hour day. I'm tired, but the money's gonna be good. I'm taking my days off this week though. I want to be with Aaron. Today I started on my diet and for the last 5 hours I didn't have any Mtn' Dew and I'm doing fine. Tomorrow I might not see Aaron, cause of my schedule, but Tuesday we're gonna have a small party. Kitty said she'll come. Eric at work is a snob.
October 31, 1995
Well, I guess I can finally make Aaron feel better just by being there. It feels good to be able to help his mood to better. We went to Middlekauf and he might be able to get a car from there, without having to cosign. That would be super. We're gonna have a Halloween party tonight and there's a few people coming over. I'm gonna be off and work Wednesday morning instead (Margene traded me. That means I finally get to spend a night with Aaron again and snuggle up to him.
November 2, 1995
Back at work. I guess I'm gonna go to days this Sunday, cause I'm taking Cindy's place. I'm gonna be glad, cause I won't have to work with Garcia anymore, but I'm gonna miss Shelly and Mike. Garcia came to my Halloween party and then told everybody at work that I was drunk and out of it. What a bitch. I only had 2 quarts of beer and I might have been tipsy, but she didn't have no right of going to work and telling everyone that I was "out of it". I didn't see Aaron at all today, cause I worked this morning, slept this afternoon and then went back to work. I hope I can reach him over the phone before he goes to bed tonight to at least tell him goodnight. If not, I guess I just have to wait till tomorrow. I can spend lots of time with him for the next 3 days anyway and then next week I'll hopefully be on days and I'll be with him a lot more anyway. at least I'll be able to sleep next to him. I really hope I'll be strong enough to stick his immaturity out, cause when he's done growing up he'll be the perfect guy to be with and I hope he'll be strong enough despite his age to stick to me. I would hate to lose him cause I never loved so much. He's such a wonderful guy. Of course he has his faults, but theyíre little compared to the other guys who've been in my life. Aaron likes this handwriting. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I definitely think I have better ones. Someone took Word Perfect off of the computer so now I can't print my poems anymore. So I copied them. It doesn't look that good, but it's better than nothing. I'm really getting fed up with Kitty now. She couldn't wait until I came out and called, so I couldn't warm up my dinner or go to the bathroom and she told me I had to sign all these people in because she already signed out. I hope they'll fire her quick. Today she had Pat in her post which is against the regulations and she left her radio in the lunchroom which is a big no no too. Aaron just told me that he's sick of talking to me on the phone. Well, if he's so anxious to hear from me and talk to me, he can kiss my ass. Here I am, happy every time we talk or when we're together and he's sick of it. Maybe I should just not talk to him on the phone no more at all and when I can't see him, then oh well. I feel that he's not gonna stay with me. I mean he's already getting sick of talking to me on the phone, but he can talk to Sunny for hours. I'm hurt and I feel rejected. It seems like he just wants me to his convenience. That's not love! I guess he's already getting tired of me. Who knows if I'll ever find someone who truly loves me and will stay with me for the rest of my life. I'm scared! I don't want to lose Aaron. Why is it that he can't be happy being with me and talking to me. He's probably not even gonna want to spend the evening with me. I can already tell.
November 5, 1995
Well, I'm back at work and everything ain't as gloomy as I thought. I talked to Aaron and then decided I really needed for him to start coming toward me, cause that'll really show me what's going on. If he's totally disinterested, I might as well bag it, but I don't think that'll be the case. I still think it's his age and him being scared. Anyway, I'm just gonna back off a little again. I just won't call him, or bug him to call me or be with me. I just hope that'll make him wanting to be around more. I'm gonna be really busy (hopefully) this week. I hope that I'm gonna work overtime Monday and Tuesday morning, Wednesday I'll be going to my court class and at 7 pm to TOPS and hopefully I'll be working overtime on Thursday too and then my 4 day weekend is coming up and Aaron is supposed to be with me Saturday and Sunday anyway, cause we compromised on 2 days a week, on my days off. I guess we'll see what happens. After that weekend I'll be working days, I guess. Hopefully I'll see him more then, cause I'll be home mostly every night to sleep, unless I work overtime. I pray that everything goes smooth and Aaron and I will stay together and him liking to be around and close to me more. I've just seen like 2 dozen deer while I was on rounds outside. Aaron actually called me here today. Iím impressed. He thought the teddy with the note on his pillow was cute. he asked me what I was doing after I'm through working and sleeping today and I told him I might end up sleeping a lot if I end up doubling tomorrow and that I'm trying to get 3 days overtime this week. He said "Gosh, you won't have much time then, won't you?" Maybe my prayer has been heard. Now that he hopefully has a car, it should be better anyway.
November 6, 1995
Today was a terrible day. At first the waterbed broke. Aaron came in and discovered it. Thank goodness. 2 thumbtacks from the padding poked a hole in the mattress. Then Aaron didn't come back to see if everything went ok with the hose and it didn't. I was so frustrated I called John and forgot to dial *67 first. So now he knows my number. Then Aaron was supposed to be back at 9pm to be with me a couple of hours and he wasn't. We were hugging and kissing before he left and I told him (sort of) that I wanted to make love. I wanted to feel close to him, lay in his arms and feel safe. I was so disappointed when he didn't show up, I kind of wondered if he was on drugs again. I went looking for him, but couldn't find him. Jacky said he told her that Ben and him were gonna be gone for a long time. Anyway, he says he hasn't talked to Jacky all day. He said he was at Ben's watching a movie and fell asleep, but I didn't see his car there when I drove by. I'm not gonna say anything, but I'm gonna keep my eyes open. His behavior suggests that he may be on crank again. I hope not. I'll just have to play it by ear. If things don't change, I might end up putting my name on the single scene again. I want to be somebody's number one.
November 7, 1995
Well well, this book "Born to love" taught me a lot about myself and now I'm gonna see if I can't change some of these behaviors. I don't want to yell anymore. I want to love to the fullest. I have a lot of behaviors that hurt myself and I can see where. I can change to a better direction. I'm not going to get all upset anymore when someone does something inconsiderate. I'll let them know that I fell it's not right, but I can't change it, so why get mad. This morning (I worked a double) I talked to Decker for a little bit and it's been a long time that I have. I like when he smiles, cause he doesn't do it often and he look so cute when he does. He is one handsome man. There seems to be a lot of pain written on his attitude. I would like to know what happened in his life. Anyway, Aaron can't get the Pontiac. He needs a cosigner. Hew as all upset when he came home, cause he had lost 40 bucks. I swallowed my advice and just held him and listened. It made me feel good too cause if I don't give him advice, I don't make it my problem.
November 8, 1995
I'm - I don't know what. Aaron broke up with me tonight. I know he's back on drugs, but he won't admit to it. I'm so tired I feel suicidal. I almost did it. I wanted to run off the ramp going on to 21st South. I was taking the curve at 65 mph and it's a 20 mph curve. In the last second though something put David in my mind. Him crying over me and I pushed the brakes. I almost didn't make it. I'm almost over the edge though. I can't handle it and I can't take it anymore. I want to be with Aaron. I can't imagine having to live my life without him. I just never loved so much and I have never hurt so much. Even now: I think I'm better off living my life without love and pushing the thought of Aaron aside, but something won't let me. For some stupid reason I feel like I have to keep fighting and never give up. But I'm so tired. I'm so tired of love, tired of life. I just want to give up and not worry or care about anything. I can't though. I got to keep going, alone cause of David and Jenny. I guess I've had the two for a reason. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here anymore. I wish I could be like everyone else and just not care. I wish I wouldn't have colored my hair. I liked it brown. I just did it cause Aaron thought I look better with blonde hair. I'm gonna go back to my natural hair color now. I want to have my natural color if I die. One day I guess, somewhere there's a light. I need to find it, cause I can't see it right now. I thought Aaron was the guy I was waiting for all of my life. It sure felt like it and it still does. All I ever wanted out of life is to be loved - to be someone's number one. Danette asked him today if we were going out and Aaron told her we weren't. Well, I guess he ain't lying anymore now. He says he loves me deep inside, likes kissing me and making love to me, then why is he giving up on us? How bad can drugs get? And what does it take for him to quit? I think he might have quit his job. He says he wants to get a job where they don't have drug screens. Good luck! In a way I hate him! We were both happy together when we moved. I know he's back on drugs! I'm gonna have to win this battle - I can't give up cause he's my last chance. I don't have another chance left. I don't want anyone else, cause I'll never be able to give my heart completely anymore. If he thinks he can just push me away, he can think again. He might be able to for a while, but he'll never succeed completely. Maybe he has to go to jail to learn. Maybe this time he'll have his turn. Maybe he'll end up in a mental institution, or maybe he'll even lose his mothers love. But I'll always be there. I can't give up, cause if I do, I give up on myself. For some reason I can't see very good. I'm not crying, yet I see blurry. Aaron said he'll never got to counseling. I donít' know why God brought us together, but there has to be a reason. Maybe I'm the only one who can get him off of drugs. Or maybe he's the one to teach me what that book is teaching me. Maybe I need to learn to let go so I'll get him back, but I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't love anyone anymore, or maybe I'm just a loser of all. I don't know anymore, but I'm gonna quit trying. At least for now. Aaron thinks I can't be alone. It's not that. It's because I love him so much and I just can't let go.
November 9, 1995
well, Aaron and I are sort of back together. He finally came out with it. He's not doing crack, but has smoked pot a few times and snorted Ritalin. I told him to go to a doctor and get a prescription for Ritalin. Maybe it'll help his chemical imbalance. I told Aaron that I wasn't gonna give up on him. Then I started yelling at him, which finally made him talk. I'm so glad and relieved that he's not doing crank. He was upset yesterday and ended up doing 7 bowls of pot. No wonder he was sick today. Hopefully he can quit the pot and actually go on Ritalin legally, cause then he wouldn't lose his job. We're gonna start new - as friends first - lovers second and see how it goes. I may not have won the battle yet, but I'm confident that I will. Even if it should take me years.
November 10, 1995
I had a vision. I was driving the company truck to check areas as a Security Officer on graveyard shift when I heard this voice repeatedly "Pay Attention!" At first I dismissed it thinking my mind was playing tricks on me.. after all it was night time and I have always been a little weary of the dark. But the voice kept insisting... several times I heard "Pay Attention!". I looked around and couldn't see anything. The whole time I felt like I had a power-search going through my body, sometimes a little stronger, sometimes real weak. Then I parked my vehicle to check a gate when I saw the vision. My little grandma had been dead for quite a few years, but here she was hovering over me and telling me "Pay attention!". Then my not-dead grandma (who lived in Germany) appeared in my vision I heard her say "Tschoe Monische" (Bye Monika - and only my grandma used this nickname). Then the vision disappeared. I was left feeling scared. I talked to Mavis (my supervisor) and she advised me to call my Mom to see if my grandma was ok after I got home from work, which I did... my Mom told me she was all right and in good spirits, actually doing a little better than she had been.
November 12, 1995
My big Oma died today at 10:00 am German time on a blood-clot that hit the lung.
November 13, 1995
David was telling me about some guy named Todd. I can feel he's bad news. It feels like he's a child-molester. I'm going crazy. Ever since I did the Tarot-card-reading with Oma's help, after I was told big Oma died, I feel there are a million spirits in my apartment. They even watch me go to the restroom. I'm scared. I can't sleep.
November 14, 1995
I called Diane - a psychic - she told me that the psychicness hit her really hard when she was 30 and that she too thought she was going nuts. She told me to pray for the white light - shield of protection. To close my Aura and seal it to my Higher Self, my high Spiritual guidance and anything that vibrates on Jesus' level. Then she told me to ask the spirits around me if they have a message for me and if they don't to tell them to move on for transformation. Tell them 3 times out, out, out 0 move on to the White Light for transformation. Janice told me to stay away from groups calling upon spirits - that those spirits are bad spirits.
Last night someone tapped on my shoulder. I was told that Aaron's drug-use is going to be his downfall. He's going to break on drugs. I can't tell him this vision, because I feel he will be offended, thinking I've made this up to try to get him off of drugs. It's sad, cause only he has the ability to change the grim outlook for himself. I love Aaron, but I feel he will pull away again and we will break up completely at the end. At least for a while. Something tells me to let him go, to put my energies on someone else, but I love Aaron and I'm not ready yet. I feel I should start writing a book in my spare time through intuition. The title "You can smile now." One paragraph: "Once you realize that there really is an afterlife, you may feel happy, overwhelmed, spiritually trained and scared all at the same time. And just of a sudden you realize: I have all this power!"
November 15, 1995
It still doesn't go very good with Aaron. I hardly see him anymore. He's got his car now and he still doesn't show up until it's time to sleep. We haven't spent any real time together since the 9th. Big Oma died Sunday. I had a vision about her telling me goodbye Friday morning around 5 am. When I did my Tarot cards Monday, after finding out that I really had a vision, I opened a gate to the spirit world. My apartment was full of spirits. I couldn't fall asleep and I was scared. It felt like I was going crazy. I had all those voices in my head. Then, Tuesday morning I called a Psychic. She told me that she had the same experience years ago and that I need to protect myself with the white light and only let beings in on Jesus' level by a prayer. Then I can tell the other beings to go to the white light for transformation. For non-believers this would sound pretty corny. It probably would sound like I need to be in a mental institution. I bought some books and now I'm gonna try to build this better. Besides the singing, that's gonna be my big hobby from now on. According to my cards, the singing should get me somewhere sometime. I called Dateline and left my pager #. Maybe I can find me a few friends. I don't want to break up with Aaron, so I don't want a boyfriend, just a few guys to go out with, or bullshit with. Well, this week I'm gonna be busy. Today I have TOPS and then Sandy Station. Tomorrow I got to Norwood with Kitty and Sunday I go back to the Sandy Station. I was this past Sunday and I liked the DJ. He's from K-Bull.
November 16, 1995
Well well, I went to Sandy Station after TOPS and two of the women came with me and loved it. They want to make it an every week thing. I like Debbie a lot. She's funny. I went shopping afterward and came home around 10:30 pm. I went to bed an hour later. Aaron came home another hour later, just to grab his pants and tell me that he's gonna sleep at his Mom's. This morning he was on the couch - cause his back hurts. He doesn't seem to care that we hardly see each other anymore. He's just way too young and the drugs don't help. I'm just gonna keep my eyes and ears open, make a bunch of new friends and if I find someone really worth my time before Aaron straightens out (since that's iffy anyhow), I'll give him the time. Allen is Acting Sub here now. Gosh, he's got a cute smile. That's one guy I wouldn't mind getting to know some more. He's not so quiet anymore either. Tim is funnier than hell. He's always got a dirty mind. If he was younger and had more hair, I wouldn't mind dating him. I also like the DJ from K-Bull at Sandy Station. Anyway, soon I'll have enough friends to keep me busy and I won't miss Aaron so much anymore.
November 17, 1995
Aaron didn't come home at all last night. I do miss his emotional support, his humor a lot. He practically told me that he wasn't gonna pay me more than $50 this month in rent. That's gonna hurt. I wish I wouldn't love him so much and be hurt every time he pulls a stunt like that. I don't know if it's worth fighting for him anymore. I really think that he really doesn't love me that much, but on the other hand, I feel like we belong together. Anyway, Iím gonna live under the motto: If you love him let him go. If he loves you, he'll come back. I'm just gonna make lots of friends and I'm gonna start being a Fostermom again in January and just move next door. That way I won't need Aaron and I'm financially a little better of. I don't like nor do I want to be dependent on anyone. I want to make it on my own. Once I've got my income tax return and once I paid the Spa off in June/July, I'll be doing ok. I just need to get Aaron paying for his stuff now and I'll be ok now too. I'm gonna try to get on Welfare somewhat too. I was looking all over for my money and couldn't find it so I said "Please help me, where are my quarters?" I said that directed to my spirit guide. The answer was "bedroom". I went to the bedroom and there was my money. I know my spirit guide is a female. I asked myself and I wonder if it's a male or female and it said "I'm female." I believe I was to prevent Aaron's accident, but he didn't listen to me. My car's check engine light came on, I pulled over, turned the car off and it couldn't start. I was gonna call John at first, but something told me to call Aaron. Then my car started again. I drove to 3200 West to call again and I couldn't get it started again. I got it started again and called Napa and talked to Aaron. I asked him to come to the apartment right after work or call my house before he leaves work, to make sure I got there, and if not to come look for me. I got home before 5 pm, but he didn't call nor did he show up. If he would've he wouldn't have wrecked.
November 18, 1995
I gave Aaron the letter about moving without him last night. He got into an accident and did a hit and run. If he gets caught he's gonna go to jail, cause thatís a felony. I'm sick of his stunts. I need a mature guy, but not as old as Val. I'm gonna lose a little weight and then lets see what that does. Betty told me last night that Aaron's been talking to her about wanting to break up with me and that he doesn't love me anymore. She said she was jokingly asking him to be her boyfriend and he answered: "If I can do with you what I want." that hurt! Anyway, I'm making him a tape of songs and talk of how I feel. I don't believe I'll take him back if he waits too long to ask, cause I will get a new boyfriend sooner or later and get over him, but I'll never quit loving him. I wonder what he feels like once I dropped 30 or 40 lbs. I have a Protector guide. His name is Amos and he used to be a Roman Lion fighter. I saw him. He's huge. He wore a lot of brown leather. I thought he looked like a Viking, but he said he was a Roman fighter. He's there to protect me from all the harm, including keeping bad spirits away, sort of like a bouncer.
November 20, 1995
Aaron came to the house while I was gone and took all of his belongings yesterday without a word, without a note - another stunt of his that hurt. Well, I'll just finish that tape, let him have it and see what happens. I talked to Penny yesterday and told her that we had been going out, but that he broke up with me. Sandy Station was great. Debbie came and we sat together. I met her friend Gordon and ended up giving him my phone number. He told Debbie he liked me and he would like it. Well actually it's the pager # I gave him. He's not my type and on the phone I will tell him - just friends. Val couldn't go cause he didn't have a sitter. Kitty came by and after she left, her friends got pretty rowdy. Mike, the DJ is cute. I was really close to giving him my real phone #, but I figure I'll wait at least a little while longer and see what happens. I was even thinking about sending him a secret admirer letter (poem) to K-Bull 93. He's some kind of Assistant something there. I would love to dance slow-dance with him real tightly wrapped around him. I donít' know what it is about him, but I could stare at him for hours. He's not really handsome in the traditional sense, but somehow I think he's damn good looking. I wish I could get to know him a little better.
November 23, 1995
Boy I never thought single life could be so much fun. I've been really busy though and therefore don't have much time to feel lonely. I went to Sandy Station last night and met Kevin, who had called me from Dateline. He's 24 and he's born August 3rd 1971, which is Leo, so he's supposed to get along with me really well. But he's a Pig on the Chinese Horoscope, which is a bad sign for me. He was really nervous, but cute. He's an Air force guy from Upstate New York. I invited him and his 21 year old friend over for Thanksgiving dinner. I guess he's gonna call me today and let me know. I also invited Gordon (37), whom I met through Debbie at Sandy Station. He's a nice guy, but I don't think he'll ever be more than a friend. First of all he drinks too much and second of all he's got a beard. Then, I met this guy named Brandon, who was selling magazines at my door and got his phone number. He's 23, born December 7th 1972, which is Sagittarius and which is an ok sign and in the Chinese horoscope it's neither good nor bad. Besides them, I talked to Val (44) and Ian (41) on the phone. With Ian, I'm gonna go to this fancy restaurant called "Oceans" on Friday. Hopefully I'll finally get to meet Val on Saturday. And Sunday of course, I'm gonna go back to the Sandy Station and this time I'm gonna ask Mike for his phone number. Maybe Kevin and a few of his friends will show up too. I've lost 3 lbs this week. I hope this will continue and I hope I won't see Aaron until I lost enough so he can tell. I hope he hears that I'm going out with all these guys, too. Maybe one day he'll realize what he had and what he lost, cause I think he lost it for good. Ha, I've met Leonard at Sandy Station. A guy I hadn't seen for 3 years. He looked awful. Well, he told me I've changed and that I looked good. I offered him my pager # and at first he said "I don't know" then I started to leave saying, Well think about it" and he called me back, wanting me to write it down. I ended up telling him I couldn't find anything to write and left. I had a good time and my ego feels good being able to tell the guys what I want. Now I'm not scared about asking Mike anymore either. Bid deal if he says no. I got enough others. Ian seems really interested, but not only does he come across pushy, but he also seems to drink a lot and has a beard. He's got 3 kids (7, 11, 12) which I give him credit for, but I'm not so sure about the rest. He kind of scares me away with his love-talk and his cocktails.
November 25, 1995
Well, thanksgiving turned out really fun, even though Gordon called and canceled and Kevin and his friend didn't show up. I had called Brandon earlier and he called me up saying he didn't have anything to do, so I invited him and he accepted. After dinner we watched a movie and then I drove Brandon up to Brighton to see if there was any snow (there was a little). I think he would've liked to make a move, but was too shy to, cause he had his hand on my chair while we were watching TV and didn't move it when I let mine rest on his when I held Jenny. Anyway, Aaron came to the house yesterday. He's a liar. I can see that he still loves me. The drugs is what destroyed our relationship and that's why he moved out. Well, now he can suffer. I told him I changed a lot and that I'm not running after no one, cause it doesn't lead to anything. He said "Sometimes it does" I said "No it doesn't. You taught me that." He said again "Sometimes it does." Anyway, I ended up telling him that I can't be his girlfriend cause he does things I really disapprove of. WE can only be friends. He told me that at times he would like to come over, but that he doesn't feel right after what he's done. I don't really understand that, but I really don't care what he was talking about. I just want part of our friendship to return, cause he was one of the closest friends I've ever had. Well, Val and I seem to get a pretty good friendship going too. I'm gonna finally meet him and his kids today. We're planning on going to the movies. I also called a new guy up. His name's Brent and he's 31. That's all I'm gonna call for right now, until I lost a little more weight. Maybe 10 or 15 lbs. I'm gonna be a looker by summer and I know it. I'm also gonna be single so I can enjoy it and feel what it's like. I'm making a tape right now, that I want to promote myself with. Maybe it'll work. I also want to buy me this book about singing at Murray Day Music.
November 26, 1995
Well well, I finally met Val. He looks like he's my Dad and he's big. But he's an ok guy. I ended up talking to a few guys yesterday. One was Brent who was out to get laid and then there was David. He's 36 and has almost every interest I have. I really want to meet him, even though our signs (eastern & western) don't fit. Never know, maybe our sign on the horizon is the perfect match. He also has a high IQ, just like me. I guess we'll see how this'll go.
November 27, 1995
I had a lot of fun last night. I went to the Sandy Station early and I sang a lot and talked a lot to Mike. I still think he's cute. Around 10:00 pm, David showed up. He's very nice and good looking. So now I like 2 guys. I think David is the better guy for me though, cause we've got so much in common. Well, I'm just gonna play it by ear and even though I'd like to settle down, I won't commit to one person alone for a couple of months to come. I want to build a friendship first. I don't mind kissing but nothing more. David seemed to like me a lot. He called me before I went to bed and said he would've liked to gobble me up. He thinks I'm pretty and sexy and have a sexy voice. Boy that feels good.
November 28, 1995
David and I took the kids to the movies last night. I'm amazed of how much we have in common. He even writes poems. We read them to each other on the phone till 12:30 am. He came over to the apartment after the movie and left when Brandon showed up. He said he likes me a lot and that he thinks I'm sexy. Well, I think so far that he's a good guy, but I don't want to rush into anything and I told him that. I also have to make sure I'm able to let someone love me, cause I'm not so sure I can. It's like I need the control and I need to learn to let go of that. At least a little.
November 29, 1995
David hadn't called all day yesterday, so I called him right before I went to bed and we talked for about 1/2 hour. He said he was just thinking about calling me. I don't know about that. But I guess I'll find out sooner or later if he's a flake or not. I also talked to some new guy. His name is Joe, he's 33 and about as tall as I am, only weighing 135 lbs. He's got a beard, but oh well. He used to be working as an undercover Narcotic MP. Sounds interesting. WE talked for a pretty good time. He's got 2 dogs and 2 boas, 2 canaries and raises rats. Almost sounds like me. He also likes country music and goes to the Sandy Station. His friend knows me, cause of the singing. I found out today that Mike M. is in Wicca. He's a witch. I think Tim likes me. Oh well. I like "Charley Brown, Charley Brown." He's kind of cute. I'm gonna meet Joe tonight at the Sandy Station. I talked to Aaron today and he was supposed to call me around 1 pm, telling me if we're gonna have a date Thursday, but he hasn't called me back. He's still a flake. I don't know if I should even try to be his friend anymore. I guess Val is gonna turn out as a pretty good friend, even though he's already 44. David keeps talking about how much he likes me. I don't know what to think about that. My singing seems to be getting better too and Iím getting better and better about getting over my shyness too. I think the singing and Date Line helps a lot in that part.
December 2, 1995
Well well, I met Joe and I really like him. I mean REALLY like him. I think he's the first real decent guy I've met through the Date Line. I even got him to get up and sing and he did a darn good job, especially since it was his first time ever on Karaoke. He thinks he didn't do any good, but he also said he doesn't like his face. I think he's cute, especially when he smiles. He gets this twinkle in his eyes. The only thing I don't like about him is his beard. He's got 2 Teenagers too. I can't wait to meet them. They're both boys and they're just about the age I like. Maybe I don't have to be a Foster parent anymore just to have Teens to take care of. But still, I guess they're not living with me, so I can't really take care of them and influence their life. anyway, I hope Joe and I will have a long friendship. I think David is out of the picture. He told me yesterday he was heading out my way and I waited for about 1 1/2 hours and called him back. He was still home. He could've called me. He's too pushy anyway. So it's down to Joe. I really have a good feeling about him and I don't think he's a flake. At least I hope he isn't. Maybe we can do something tonight, cause John is picking up the kids and I'll be alone at home. I'm through with Aaron. Even as my best friend. For now, I don't have a best friend. Aaron stood me up one too many times. OH well, one of these days, he'll know what he lost. Margene finally asked Tim out and he said yes. I knew he would, I told her he would and I told him she would. I'm glad they're finally going out. It's about time. I paged Joe. I think we might end up doing something together tonight. Tomorrow I will ask Mike for his phone number and I'll ask him about his not working at the station anymore.
December 3, 1995
Last night was cool. Joe came to the house and we watched the Invisible man. Then we went to the Sandy Station. Joe and I sang "Let me be there" from Olivia Newton John. We sounded good together. He wouldn't even let me pay for my own songs. It was really crowded and even I was nervous, cause I didnít' know the song. Joe was really nervous, but like I said, we did good. One the way home, I got gas at rainbow and Fred wouldn't start. Joe put a screw by the battery hook-up until we got home and there he fixed the problem. How I won't have to worry about it anymore. There's something about Joe that totally attracts me to him. Sort of like with Mike. I don't think I'm gonna like Mike a whole lot though cause I do think he lied to me about the contest. I donít' think he was working for K-Bull when he did it. So far, Joe hasn't let me down yet. His boys are cute. I'd like to meet them. John said that if he doesn't have to work he'll come to the Sandy Station tonight too. Since Wednesday, the only day we didn't spend together was Friday and that's because he was working, but even then, we talked on the phone. I think I'm falling - that quick! I'd like for him to hold me, but I guess that oughta wait a little longer. I don't want to end up disappointed and hurt again. As long as we're not physical, it won't hurt if he's not the kind of guy he seems to be. I do have a good feeling about him though and I do believe there might end up being more between the two of us. It would be cool anyway, cause even though I'm scared about a new relationship, I really would like to have one with someone who's worth the effort.
December 4, 1995
Last night Joe and I went back to the Sandy Station. We sang "Summer nights" and "Let me be there" together. He sang a few songs by himself, too. His pager went off once and I already thought he had to go to work, but we were lucky. Yesterday afternoon he came to the gate and Margene got to see him. She thought he had a cute smile, too. Gosh, I wish I had enough guts to ask him for a hug. I do want to go dancing sometime, cause then he'll have to hold me. I kind of wish I wouldn't fall so quick, but I guess I'll have to live with that. He seems to be really nice though and he likes the Sandy Station. So far, the only minus point I have for him is his beard and I guess I can deal with that. His plus points: He calls when he says he will, he doesn't make me wait (is on time) He's got a steady job, doesn't do drugs, likes music (even likes to sing, I guess) has respect, seems to like kids, has a CB, is a gentleman and seems to like me. Well, anymore I wouldn't mind having more than just a friend. I didn't want to get a boyfriend from Date Line, but if he wouldn't mind being more than a friend, then I just changed my mind. I don't really miss Aaron anymore. I don't even want him as a friend anymore. Not unless he quits drugs, then I wouldn't mind being his friend, cause then he wouldn't have to hide anything and could be honest with me. But I would never do anything with him anymore. I made up my mind about that. No matter what. I still love him, and I always will, just like Paul, and Todd, but my head knows better. Mike H. said that he does still work at the radio station. Well, I don't know about that, cause that was twice now that we tried calling and didn't get through. Maybe Joe can come over for a little while. Maybe even bring his kids. Joe needs a phone and he needs to get his CB working, so we can talk more. That'd be cool.
December 5, 1995
Joe did come over last night. He had to leave for a little while to work and then came back. Stupid me, my mouth went 50 miles a hour. Why can't I just shut up every now and then. I would like to go to his house once, see how he lives and meet his two boys. John was grounded yesterday, so I couldn't meet him and the other boy was gone. I wish Joe wouldn't have told me what he makes on call, cause now I feel somewhat inferior and even less likely to tell him that I like him. I guess it's nice to know that he's financially stable, but guys like him usually don't even think about a real relationship with someone like me. I wonder if he feels about me somewhat the same way I feel about him. I don't even care about the beard anymore. I still think he'd be cuter without it, but he's cute with it too. I wish I knew exactly what he thinks about me, but I'm too chicken to ask. I still feel that there's something about him. Gosh, for the way we've met, maybe we were supposed to meet. I mean at first on the radio (Little Joe) then I find out his friend knows me from Sandy Station and he works for ADT and Joe Lilly knows him. It's a small world. Gosh, he's so cute. I wish he'd just take me in his arms. I Hope he's not gonna start disliking me, cause I really think he's fine. Brandon was supposed to stop by and didn't yesterday. He made up some kind of excuse when I called him at work today. I'm gonna call Aaron and ask for my keys today.
December 6, 1995
Joe was called to Cedar City last night, so we couldn't spend any time together. but that's ok. Tomorrow he won't have his pager anymore, actually today he won't. I feel sorry for him having to go all the way to Cedar City and back. I don't care how much they pay him, it's dangerous, cause he's up so long and then has to drive. I actually missed him. I guess I'm weird. I really want to ask him what he thinks about me, but I'm scared that I scare him off I just like him so much. Dawn thinks, from what I told her, that he likes me too. I hope I don't fuck up. Maybe he's my reward. I tried to find Aaron last night and when I didn't, I told his Mom I needed my keys and for her to tell him and I left a message with Ben's answering machine. He called me later. At first he wanted to meet me somewhere, but I already had my nighties on and I wasn't about to leave. So he wanted to just leave the keys in the apartment and I told him I wouldn't appreciate it. He ended up coming last night. I got my keys and I told him that I thought he'd used me and that I probably never see my money again. I told him that he taught me a lot and that I really don't care if he leaves UT, cause he said he was going to. He said he didn't care either and I told him one day he will. Then Brandon, Dawn and David showed up again. David asked me out again. I don't think so! It was nice to see them again though. They stayed till midnight, so I didnít get to bed early again. Yesterday I told Charley Brown not to forget his Peanuts (they were all over the ground). I also told him that every tine I see him the song "Charley Brown" pops in my head. He flirts back a little. He's kind of cute. I wonder if Kari would like him. I think he's her type and the age should fit too. Anyway, I hope I see Joe today. I told him on the phone last night, that I would like to meet his boys. Maybe we would go to 49th Street Galleria. I wish Joe would give me a hug.
December 7, 1995
Well, I got my wish. Joe is so cute. When he first came to pick me up, I paged him with 454539682568 (I like you a lot). He figured it out within a couple of minutes. Then we went to the Sandy Station and we had a good time. These girls made me sing with them and I choose "It's so easy". Joe and I sang Let me be there and Summer Nights together. WE sat pretty close this time, too. I think I'm in love. Gosh, I even get butterflies when we're close. Anyway, after we were done, when he was bringing me home, I asked him if he had formed an opinion about me yet. He said that he liked me too. When we went up to my apartment, we just talked for a while. He was standing close to me, looking down while he was talking. When he said bye, he was reaching for my hand, so I put one of my arms around him and then he gave me a hug. Gosh he's so cute and so shy. And he's such a gentleman. He opens doors, buys me drinks, heck he even orders them for me. Aaron called me last night. He wanted to pick up his TV. I told him not until he paid me. So he got all pissed, said he doesn't want to see me, talk to me or hear from me anymore and he wants me to keep the TV, cause he's not going to pay me. I guess it's an uneven trade, cause the TV was only $40, but I guess it's better than nothing. I might not pay for the phone bill either, but I'll probably will. What a jerk! All he did was use me. Oh well, I guess I've got my reward. Maybe anyway. I hope Joe is the person he pretends to be, cause I'm falling in love with that person, and I'm falling fast. I paged Joe spelling out "I like the twinkle in your eyes when you smile" and I got Joe's page back saying "I like you too and I would like to get to know you better." Then I paged him to cal me and he did. He is so sweet. Later I paged him with "I'm thinking of you a lot" and "I like to get to know you better too". then I waited 15 minutes and paged "Romance is the key to my heart."
December 8, 1995
boy, I feel like shit. I have a head-cold and I hate it. I went to bed at 9 pm last night and slept 9 1/2 hours. I've got 4 Christmas songs recorded on my keyboard now. I would like to record a tape for Joe for Christmas if I can sing that is. I have to go back to the Dollar Store and get something for John and the kids. I'm not gonna spend a whole lot of money on them. I paged Joe "Good morning" earlier and he paged me back with it. Then I paged "Have a nice day, see you tonight". Anyway I realized something yesterday afternoon when I was at the Psychic in August, I kind of said she was full of it, but she wasn't. This is what she said and what happened: My marriage to John will not last. The sooner I get out, the better. He put on a front when he met to be Mr. Right. I still don't know the real him (I found out when I told him I'm leaving), but he's opposite from what I married him for (he got mean and threatened me). He doesn't treat me good an I deserve better. I'm not a natural (normal) mother (that's right I'm totally untraditional when it comes to my kids). I should let Aaron go. He's not the right guy. He's not gonna quit the drugs (she's right, even though for a while it looked like he was). He's using me. (He definitely did). She said to watch out for Aaron (yeah, cause he screwed me over, but thanks to him I'm out of John's house). She said to quit worrying. To just go and have fun. To quit thinking about others and start thinking about myself for a change. (That's what I did and am doing. I like going to the Sandy Station and I'm letting John apply for the car-payment - well, half of it, and the insurance. I told people of that I didn't like, including Aaron and it feels really good). She said if I try harder with the singing, I'll get somewhere. She said I don't try hard enough. She also said I had a touch for instruments. (True. Look at the keyboard. I'm better than Aaron is and I've only been playing for a year). She said that I was really a great person, but that I've been put down a lot (You can say that again). Now comes the most interesting part: There's a guy that has something to do with my work (Think ADT). He'll watch and like me from the distance. He's tall (those parts don't seem to fit), handsome, has dark hair with a red touch (think beard), good build and around 30 or 40 (33?) years old. He has a short name and the name has an "e" in it (Joe?). I might already know him (CB?). This guy will carry me on his hands and I'll know who he is when the right time comes (will I?) She said in the future I won't have to work, cause he makes enough money (Joe makes a lot). She said I'm gonna get skinny (TOPS) and my hair will have more red in it. (Since I bleached it I do). She felt a lot of sadness inside of me and that I'm gonna be happy. I got a page from Joe saying "Just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you " so I paged him back "How sweet. Thank you. Call me tonight. Ok?" And he replied "OK. I will call." He's so cute. I can't wait to see him again. I like him so much. I can't believe how fast I'm getting attached to him. I'm gonna page him back around 3:30. I don't know what yet, but I'll figure out something sweet. Later: I paged "Drive home safe" and he paged back "Thank you. I will. You too, ok?" I paged him to tell him my new phone #. He called right back. He said he was gonna page me good morning, too, but I was faster. Aaron disconnected the phone, so now I won't have to pay the bill. Cool. Now he only owes me $100. If he pays me I'll give him his stuff back, but if he wants war, I can give him war.
December 12, 1995
Well well, the way it looks the Psychic was right. I have a really good feeling about Joe. He gave me a scare last night though. Rochelle brought a letter in Joe had left at my door and I wondered why he didn't come in. The letter told about a problem he has and that it's up to me if I want to end the relationship. I don't think so! I'm gonna let something like that bother my love or destroy my love for him? He's so sweet, so gentle. I love the way he loves me. It's like the way I love. I know we'll both be happy. (I just know it and I know we're gonna last). He's the first thought on my mind when I get up and the last thought when I fall asleep. ON Sunday we were together till 2 in the morning and he had to work the next day. I guess we just can't get enough from each other. The party was a flop but that's all right, cause that's when I got my first kiss. Tim, Margene and Charley Brown showed up besides Joe. Joe ended up sitting beside me with the arm around me chair and I leaned back so I would lean against it. I got pretty drunk and ended up throwing up. I was so embarrassed. I want to call a doctor and find out more about Joe's problem. He told me a lot last night, but I want to know everything about it. I love him for telling me. A lot of guys wouldn't have had the respect. Especially not after such a short time. I really must be special to him.
December 13, 1995
Boy, I've got a wonderful boyfriend. I'm so in love. I guess I was wrong. It's a lot better with him then with anyone I've ever been with. No one's ever brought me up that high without actually touching certain spots. I wish he wouldn't have to leave all the time. I would like to spend the night next to him. I don't have to make love, just be with him. I'm in love and I'm in lust. He tops everybody. Maybe it's destiny for me to be with him, cause everything fits. I can't wait to see him tonight.
December 14, 1995
Joe and I met at the Sandy Station last night after TOPS (I lost another 1/4 lbs). Debbie met him and said we both look in love with each other. Joe is driving me wild. It's like an indescribable ecstasy and I can't quit thinking about him. He's always on my mind and just the thought of him is driving me crazy. He just told me on the phone that he can't stop thinking about me either. He said he kept tossing and turning last night. He made an appointment for his "problem" with his doctor after I told him what "Ask a Nurse" had to say. I'm making an appointment too. I want to have a pep-smear done and other tests for sexual diseases and I'm also asking more abut the other stuff. No matter what I'm gonna have to live with it cause I'm not gonna give Joe up. Joe and I were meant to be. The Psychic was right when she said you'll know when the time comes that he's the one. And I do know and even though I know, I want to take this slow. I'm gonna wait at least till my lease is up before we move together, if not another 6 months. I want to be able to enjoy the dating and cording. Why not? Once we live together, we might as well get married. Not that I wouldn't want that, but it has time. I want to do it right with the right person.
December 15, 1995
I'm totally in love. I told Joe I wanted to make love to him, but neither one of us had any condoms. Then I told him I wanted to wait until he could spend the night anyway, cause that's nicer. He made me feel so good. I wish I knew how to make him feel the same way. I really didn't know that someone could make me feel that way. Just the thought of it gives me shivers down my spine. I pray that our love will never ever end. I want him to stay with me, grow old with me. I want him to live with me and one day to marry me. I mean one day, not today. I want him to be the person in my poems, be the man in my songs, be the lover in my thoughts - from now to forever. I want him to be the man who's gonna give me Cassandra Fay - my precious little girl waiting for her birth. I want him to be my dream come true. I love him so much it's unbelievable. He puts songs in my mind and I can't think of anything else and it's getting worse not better. But that's ok.
December 16, 1995
Boy I only had about 3 1/2 hours of sleep, my stomach muscles hurt, my hands hurt and my arms and wrists hurt. But I'm in really good spirits. Joe, the kids, Willy and I went to the 49th Street Galleria yesterday. Joe talked me into batting and I did for the first time of my life. I loved it. It's so cool. But that's why my hands, wrists and arms hurt. Joe spent the night at my house last night and that's why I only had 3 1/2 hours of sleep. He offered me to help me get into a 3 bedroom. I can't take that though. Not yet anyway. I'd much rather move in with him once my lease is up in April. On the 26th he's gonna get checked out about his Sperm count. Maybe I'll have another kid after all. I'm sure we're gonna stay together. He's gonna be my husband one day. He seems to have every thing I've been wanting (except for the boat) like he was waiting for me to come along. It's just so perfect. Most of all, he reminds me of someone but noon I now know.. It's just that I feel I know him, I'm not even awkward around him when I'm naked and that's totally new for me. Just like he sings "It feels so right"! I would like to find that Psychic and see what else she has to say. But I can feel that Joe and I will be a couple for a long time to come. I love his ways, his touch, his everything.
December 19, 1995
Today Joe came by at 1:00 pm and brought lunch. Chinese Food. He didn't go back to work. I surprised myself today when I asked him what he liked sexually, if he gets turned on by X-rated movies and if he gets kinky. I don't know what it is about Joe, but he makes me so at ease. I never felt this way before. I'm so much freer when it comes to talking about things and letting him see my body, then I was ever before with anyone else. Even after 6 years of marriage, I wouldn't let Doug look at my body. I let Joe. He's so special. I know he's the man the Psychic told me about. He's supposed to be with me for a long time. He's my good-looking prince who came to rescue me. Storybooks are true after all :-). I love him so much, after such a short period of time. I told him today that I have 2 Christmas wishes but I didn't tell him what they were. I told him no one could buy them for me. He might move out of his house if his kids decide they want to live with Mom. My wish is that he would then move in with us. David told me he would like to have Joe here too. I'm sure Jenny does too. They both like him a lot. My second wish won't come true quite yet. He stayed at the apartment until John came to pick me up to go Christmas shopping for the kids. He was back around 7:30 pm and then we went to Toys are us. Now I only need to get pants for Jenny and David and I'm done. Joe stayed until 1 am. Wow! And he has to work in the morning. I also want to see his house, get to meet his two boys and meet his parents. I want to be part of his "other" life to. Tomorrow I'm gonna start my Demo tape, so I can get some jobs for singing. I pray that my dream will come true and that Joe loves me with his heart and will stay with me forever and that we will always be happy together. Joe I love you!
December 20, 1995
Well well, poor Joe is sick again (or still). This time he's all stuffed up and has a soar throat and of course he's tired. He stopped by for a couple of hours after work though. I wish we were living together so I could hold him, fall asleep next to him and not have to miss him. I long for him every time he's gone. He's such a neat and gentle guy. I hope this will never end. John's gonna give Fluffy (my puppy) to the pound. Asshole. He's got no heart! I told him that I wanted to come by Saturday the 23rd, instead of Monday the 25th. He didn't really like the idea, but who cares. I want to get Aaron to get his name off of my lease. Maybe Joe will help me. I feel I can lean on Joe - that he takes care of me. It takes some getting used to, but it feels sooo good. I love him with all of my heart. I scrambled my Christmas wish about moving in up and he figured it out anyway. I hope he doesn't feel threatened or anything. I don't want to mess up this relationship.
December 21, 1995
Boy, I'm really depressed for some reason. I shouldn't be. I have someone who loves me and I have enough money to keep my bills paid. Yet, I feel so rotten. I'd like to quit my job and crawl into a ball. Send the kids to their Dad and cry myself to sleep. The kids had a big mess when I got home and even though David was supposed to do the laundry, nothing was done. I yelled like an idiot. At work, Collins pissed me off with his snotty attitude and Charley Brown pissed me off with his teasing. Something that usually doesn't bother me. And Joe takes forever to call me back. I feel so worthless at times. Today I'm scared again. Scared that I'm gonna mess our relationship up, scared that he really doesn't care that much and scared that he's gonna leave soon, too. I'm tired of broken relationships. Especially Joe. I donít' want to lose him. I never had anyone like him. I wish he could be here right now and make me feel better with his kisses and his touch. Just him being there would help. I miss Joe. I love him a lot. I wish I wouldn't have to work a full time job, so I could straighten these kids out. I'm so sick of it.
December 22, 1995
Joe came over last night at 10:10 pm. He stayed for about an hour and a half. He still felt pretty sick. He hasn't called me yet. when I think about it, I really don't know much about Joe. I just feel I need to slow down with my emotions, until I really get to know him. I mean, I have a really good feeling about him and I feel I'm in love, but I really only know one side of Joe. I really don't want to get hurt again, so I really oughta keep some emotional distance. I mean, heck, I don't even know where he lives, don't know his boys, nor his parents and Iím just now beginning to know more about his past. I've got to think about some deep questions to ask him and talk with him instead of making out. Or maybe ask one deep question every time I see him. Let's think about what I could ask. 1. Do you believe you can ever say "I love you" too much or show you love too much? 2. Do you think withholding something from someone is just as bad as lying about it?
This is all I can come up with at the moment. Let's see what all I know about him so far: Joe, lives somewhere close to Smith at 4700 South and 4000 West, he owns a home, I have his pager number, he's divorced since 90', cause his wife cheated on him in 86'. They tried to work it out, but couldn't. He has joined custody of John (13) and Steven (14). His Birthday is May 15, 1962. He's been working for ADT for about 5 years and was a Narcotic MP in the Military. He's been in Germany, Korea and the Panama Jungle. He's been shot several times, once in the balls. He said they connected one of them back up, but he never was tested again to see if he could have more children. He caught something from his wife from cheating on him. Joe grew up in Kearns, likes country music, has a set of drums, likes dancing, movies, water-skiing, camping, fishing, hiking and now singing. He doesn't drink much, smokes and likes animals. He's got 2 dogs, 2 boas and more. He says he hasnít been with anyone since 90'. He doesn't like his looks. He owns a Nissan Truck with a shell and a white Chevy with the license plate White Rose. He says it turns him on when his partner gets turned on. He also said that he hasn't experimented much sexually, cause his wife didn't want to and he's only been with her, one girlfriend before her, someone in Korea where he doesn't remember anything and myself. Well, that about rounds it up He's usually there on time, too. Anyway, I'm gonna try to find more out each time I see him from now on.
December 23, 1995
Boy, I'm tired. I didn't get to bed until 2:15 am this morning and I woke up with a slight soar throat. Oh well, if I get sick, I get sick. John came over yesterday with Willy and Jim, to get their presents. I wasn't done with John's tape yet, so I finished recording two songs, while he put the hose on the drier. Jenny asked me (once) if Joe was coming over as I finished the tape. John said "If I'm disturbing your plans, we can go!" In a really mean voice. I thought he was talking about the taping, so I shut it off and said "Fine if you don't want your present." He said "I wasn't talking about that. I was talking about them keep asking for this Joe." I ended up throwing his presents in his lab & giving Willy and Jim theirs. I was mean to John for the rest of the time he was at my house. When I went to the laundry room, he asked "So what's up with that Joe?" I said "That don't make any difference, does it?" He said "I thought you didn't want another relationship." I said "So?" shrugged my shoulders and turned around. Don't I have the right to change my mind? I didn't know I was going to meet someone like Joe and end up falling in love. Joe is my Mr. Wonderful. He called me right before John left again which pissed him off again. Oh well, he's gonna have to live with it. Joe got to the house shortly before 9:00 pm. We played a game where we trait off asking and answering questions. He can handle hearing me say "I love you" a lot cause he feels comfy with me, but he kind of let me know that he doesn't want to be cornered. He says he'd like lingerie on me. When he first met me he thought that I wasn't gonna like him cause I'm too pretty and later he said he thought "Wow!" well, I'm flattered, but I'm not all that pretty. Joe doesn't want to move in with me. In a way I'm sad and in a way I'm glad. I told him it's his call, from now on, cause I don't want to mess this relationship up. He asked me if I would mind if his Ex would move into his house and I told him I thought that he was too nice, but that I can kind of understand. I asked him to spend some nights at my place until he found a place and he said e probably could arrange that. I need to get some condoms. He's out and he's too shy to get any (embarrassed is the better word). We made love last night and it was so good. We both wanted to again, but couldn't cause we didn't have any condoms left. He couldn't keep his hands away from me. He said I'm irresistible. I asked him if that's normal for him or if it's because he hasn't had any for so long and he said he doesn't know what's normal for him, cause his Ex never did much. I told him he's my Mr. Wonderful and how cute I think that he is. He's so special and I'm so in love. I told him I was still scared and why and he said in a way he feels the same. Neither one of us needs to get hurt again. I won't see him today, cause he's going ice-fishing with his dad and his brother. But tomorrow it's Christmas and I get to give him his gifts.
December 26, 1995
Well well, Christmas is gone and over with. It was nice. Joe hadn't called me at work like he said he would and I gave him a minus point for that. But he did call after I paged him from home. Brandon, Jacky and Carol showed up around 6 pm and I invited them to stay. Joe showed up at 7:30 pm. I dressed (or tried to anyway) a little sexy. we got Joe a belt-buckle from Sears with Ducks on it, a Bear that I "ran into" at K-Mart, my home-made picture (drawing) with my Glamour-shot picture on it - framed, a couple of T-shirts (I love you this much & Whatever it is, I didn't do it), some kind of Love Penny from A Dollar or More and a Rose. I got a necklace (with Someone Special) in Silver in a Cracker-Jack Box (I didn't know they come with surprises) and a teddybear from Joe, a Dice keyring from Carol, a rose from David, a homemade something from Jenny, a Joy Plaque from David and Jenny, a washrag from Mavis, a Doily from Margene, a box of nuts from Kay Richmond. Joe stayed until 1 am and boy was I tired yesterday. Yesterday I had to wait for Joe's phone call till after 9 pm. I hope his not returning my pages was because of Christmas, cause it would be messed up if he was just like the rest. I'm gonna do something with my singing. Somehow, somewhere, sometimes, I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna start by not missing any more contests I know about!
December 27, 1995
Well, everything is back to normal. With Joe back at work, I'm getting my pages and calls again. He came over early yesterday (around 6:30 pm) and I told him about not liking to get no pages. When I told him I'm hard on guys anymore, he said "You have to be". Joe is so neat. I just hope he doesn't change. I'm sure his sexual desire won't stay the same, but that's ok, as long as he doesn't change his way toward me. He's so caring. I really really hope we're gonna make it and stay together and get married some day. He was messing with the kids for a while yesterday. They really like him too. He told me yesterday that he made $150,000 in 94'. He says he usually makes $35,000 a year. Boy! I don't understand why he didn't pay some of his bills off at that time. I would've. He had to work 40 weeks on call to get that much though. I don't know what to think about him money wise. He's gonna leave most of his furniture at his house and is gonna buy new stuff. He says it's too much of a hassle to move stuff. I got in trouble at work yesterday for being on the phone too long (I talked to Karon for 43 minutes). Barnes told on me and then he was trying to tell me to brush my boots. I told him if he wanted to he could brush them. What an asshole. Today I realized again why I don't want to quit this job. It's because of the workers. I get along with all of the guys. Yesterday I met Leza. A woman down the street from me. She owns 3 horses, 3 goats, 5 dogs, 7 cats, some kind of parrot, rabbits, guinea pigs, and other animals. She's nice and she owns the place I would like to own.
December 30, 1995
My two days off went by way too fast. I was at the dentist Thursday and found out that I can get all of my teeth done for less than $100. I don't have much wrong with them, considering that I haven't been to a dentist in 3 years. Joe and I went to the Sandy Station Wednesday and Thursday. He spent the night at my house. It feels so good to fall asleep beside him. He went to sleep quick once I quit talking. I feel so wonderfully comfortable with him. The Psychic told me I'll know that I found the right man when the time is right. Well, I know Joe has to be my soul mate. We're gonna make it together. It's about time that I'm through with all the pain and bullshit. I'm gonna do everything I can for him. I'm loved by him the way I always wanted to be loved. He loves me the way I love him. And he's so sweet and sexy. Yesterday I went to my Gynecologist for a Pep Smear (the first one in 3 years) and to talk about what it takes for me to get pregnant again. He said it depends on how much of my tubes are still useable. If it's only a short piece, Dr. Harris gave me a 80% chance. He said I need x-rays in order to determine that though. He also told me that my genitals look very healthy and so do my breasts. He's an older doctor and I think he's a pretty good doctor. Just like Knowlton is a good dentist and I like Dr. Sharffenberg (my Family Practitioner) too. I went to him too yesterday. He did an Aids Test and tested me on various other STD's. Then he gave me a prescription for new Asthma medication, wrote me a note saying I could lose down to 159 lbs and wrote down a name for medication so I don't get hoarse when I sing. Besides that, we talked about Herpes and how it's only catching when lesions are present and that I'm safe even without condoms. I'm glad. I hate those things. Last night Joe only came by for a little while. He had a toothache and we were both tired. I told him the good news and the bad. The bad being that if I get the job I applied for at Village Inn, we won't see each other on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays anymore. I'll be waiting tables for a couple of months until I caught up with all of my bills and paid a couple of them off. At least Paramount Acceptance and maybe my Visa card and part of RC Willey. Maybe I even work the 2nd job until my Tax Return is filed and I know how much I need to pay it all. I find out today at 4:30 pm if I'm gonna get hired or not.