1994

September 9, 1994
I really don't know what's going on. The kids are driving me crazy and so does John. I had a short thought about sending the kids back to Doug to live whit him for 1/2 year, but just as fast as the thought came, it vanished. They wouldn't be as happy there. I would end up missing them and they would be mentally messed up again. For the past two weeks, I've been getting so mad at John and sometimes I even feel I should find a boyfriend so I can be happy again. Now I'm not so sure anymore if I'm not just pushing the blame on everyone else. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe Sue was right when she suggested some Chemical Imbalance or something. If I think back, I always have periods when I'm restless, then I want to move, do something, move furniture, or find a new boyfriend. I was happy since I met John until about 2 or 3 weeks ago and now I'm restless and agitated again and feel like crying all the time. Almost like I feel those two days before I get my period. I kept on blaming John for everything, which probably made him get worse with the kids. I need to find a way out before I end up destroying my love. Maybe that's what happened to Doug and me. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do. My brain tells me there is outside triggers that make me edgy, but after talking to John tonight about this and thinking it all through, I rather act or think irrational. maybe that's why I get these headaches and muscle aches, forget everything if I don't write it down and loose it when somebody hurts me. I need to ask my mother if someone in the family had mental problems. I know Gerhard loses it if he gets mad, but we always said he just has a temper.

October 23, 1994
It's still not ok with John, but I feel better. I ended up with new friends and don't concentrate on John anymore. I feel sexually neglected and wish for once he'd give me a French kiss again. I feel like a sexual ticking time bomb. Todd is coming by every now and again and those memories don't help. I can talk to Lisa about everything and anything and that helps too. And then I have Brandon and Aaron, the 18 year-old twins who seem to have a crush on me. That feels good too, even though they're so young. What bothers me is that John is not the least bit jealous, cause they're so much younger. They are just as many years younger than me as John is older than me. I really like my job at the newspaper. I'm losing weight again too. I wish I was back to weighing 180 lbs.

November 3, 1994
I'm still unhappy with my marriage. John told me he wouldn't scream at my children anymore starting today. I hope that will hold true. I'm so glad to finally have a real best friend again. Lesa and I talk on the phone at least once a day, even though we see each other at work every day. Brandon and I see each other a lot too and we get along super as well. I only see Aaron once or twice a week. Halloween was a great success. I was an old bag lady and everyone thought I was an old bag lady. Brandon was really scared of me. I waited of him at RC Willey and scared him. I messed with Scott too. I told him I was a new person and he almost fell from his chair. Robert thought he had to show me the robes and he almost threw up. I did look pretty nasty though.. like someone who was severely burned in a fire. The guy from 7/11 thought I was "real" too. Aaron said I looked "great". It was so much fun. I'm going to be a big man next year.

November 6, 1994
I'm getting really sick of it here at home. John can only bitch and scream anymore. If he doesn't stop treating the kids as bad as he is, then it's going to be over. I'm rather poor and alone again then putting up with this! I'm glad I found friends again. I'm giving John to the end of 95'. If it's still not any better, a LOT better, then he can kiss my butt. My kids are still first in my book. And nothing is happening in bed either, so what the heck! I think I have a crush on Aaron. He's such a sweetie. I think if he were to start something, I might not say no. I miss French kissing! If I had the option again, I wouldn't marry again. If I'm getting divorced, I won't get married again for a very long time. I rather live with someone.

December 1, 1994
Today Aaron pretty much told me that he really, really likes me. I'm happy I know it, but now I long for his arms more than ever. The more John yells at the kids, the more I fall in love with Aaron's calmness. I wish he wasn't so young. He says the same thing I do though: 10 years older or 10 years younger, what's the difference. We can talk so well together, even better than Todd and I used to talk. He makes me happy.

December 28, 1994
John actually seems to be scared to lose me. Why isn't he nicer to the kids then and more attentive to me? I don't even know anymore if I really love him. I don't know about Aaron. I really like him a lot, but he's still so darn young. And he has negative tendencies too. I have to see him as a "brother" more than a potential "lover". I don't know if I can do that though. I loved Christmas. David, Jenny, Willy, Tony, John, Aaron, Brandon, Sam, Dale, and Ron were all at my house to party. I think it was my best Christmas. I got a keyboard from John, as well as perfume and earrings. Aaron gave me a teddy bear, the kids gave me a Make-up brush, Willy a perfume lamp and a ceramic-horse. It was great. Lesa ended up giving me a Fabio calendar and stationary.