1991

baby

January 6, 1992
Well, it's been over one week for the last entry. Lots has happened. I've been singing songs from Pat Benatar and some of them sound ready for taping to me. It feels good to hear my voice that way. Today was my first day back in school. That feels great too. My Mom called. She got the picture and she thought it was a stencil. She almost couldn't believe that I drew it and thought I could use that ability to get hired by some firm that prints on sheets. That feels great too. I could very well imagine her if I ever get to be on record. She would freak. Tom, a guy who called regarding a paper I hung up at Ashford Chase in order to meet people called me yesterday. He'll stop by Denny's on Thursday or so, he said. I already know though that there won't be more than a friendship, 'cause he's smoking pot. I'm not really interested in anyone right now. Mr. Right hasn't come along. I haven't heard from Sam. He moved and didn't leave a forwarding address. My x-mas card came back. I'm starting to feel the desire of going out dancing. Maybe I'll go Friday, if I can find someone to go with. I'll go to Sandbagger's cause I wouldn't have the gas to go all the way to Salt Lake City. I hope I can file for my Income Tax soon and I hope I'll get lots of money back. I need to buy a typewriter and a washer and dryer and I also need to pay my bills off as well as fixing my car, bike and house!

January 8, 1992
I'm still cold. I like this class and my pen had to run out. I'm gonna get home and go to bed early. Tom's gonna call at nine. Wonder if he really will. What am I gonna tell Todd if I'm going to this Los Lobos thing next Friday? Wonder if Teola is baby-sitting or if I can sleep somewhere in Salt Lake City. God this car is expensive in gas. Wonder if that was Max running around out there. I hope not. I'll never find him again in the dark. The kids. David's gonna be really upset. Well, he actually couldn't get out unless someone opened the door. Stupid pen, wish I was done with college and get a lot of money for being a Psychologist. Still got my own problems. Wonder if I make it. Wonder what David - the kids are doing. No time for nothing anymore. I study too much. Not enough money. Oh well, it'll work. My arm hurts. I have to see a doctor. I'm still holding this stupid pen. God I like to look up and see if anybody doesn't know what to write or if Shelby watches us all. He's a good teacher. Only two guys besides Shelby compared to 8 girls. Bahhh! Oh well, maybe next quarter be more fun. Somebody dropped a pen. Haha! Was I stupid dropping everything on the floor.

January 9, 1992
Thinking. God, what am I thinking? Shouldn't use God so much. Should've used the other pen. David's gonna be home soon. Jenny. She's cute. My daughter. I love them both. Max wants in. I hope I can make this heater work. School. Can't wait 'till Wednesday. English is fun. I should take more. Waste of time though. Working's fun. I should quit smoking. It bothers me. Is that connecting thoughts? I'll find out. Maybe. I think Todd's on drugs again. I don't like him. Can't wait. I don't know for what. Nightmares. I wonder if I'll have an accident. The sun is out. I love it. My hand hurts. Wonder when 15 minutes are up. I'm just gonna write two pages. The mail man should come any minute. This pen feels better in the hand. I need a drink. My mind went blank. Not really. Too many thoughts at one time. Would like to be able to publish a story. The mail man is here. I can hear the truck. Wonder if I get any letters. Hope no bills. Los Lobos - I gotta go. Wonder what kind of guy Tom is. What am I gonna fix for dinner? Don't have time for much. Sunshine. I love it. Schwarzkopf. I don't think I like him. Military sucks. I don't want to meet anybody who is military anymore. Seven wasted years is enough. I like to meet a doctor somewhere, even female, just to talk. They gotta have some good ideas just know a lot of dumb people with stupid ideas. I like to talk to intelligent people about interesting subjects. School is good. SW teacher is interesting to talk to. Need to go dancing. Don't really miss it though. Wonder what essay is going to be about. I need good grades. Stupid Biology class. I hate it. Don't know. Stupid that's all. Love. Why do I think that now? Oh well, one of these days I have my degree. Tired of drug addicts. Maybe I shouldn't counsel them. They bore me. Stupid! Selfish! Ego trip in me sometimes too. Don't want to write this junk anymore. I'm not gonna read it. Don't want to unless Shelby asks. He's a good teacher. I'm gonna learn a lot this quarter. Gosh have this word in my head. Stupid! Nightmare. Gotta get rid of these accident nightmares. Hope the waterhose unfroze by now. Need to make this car work. The sun, I love it. Can't wait till summer. Should move to Nathan's. California is bad for the kids. My hand hurts enough. Don't know what. I remember nothing. Gotta fix the car now. I hope it works. Please! I need to have it working.

January 11, 1992
Gosh, gotta get a stop-watch for this. Never know when the time's gonna be over. I like this. Hope Dave's gonna pour me a drink. I'll ask him. Work tonight. Really like Richard. Wish he wasn't married though. He plays around too much to be married. I don't like that. What did he get married for in the first place. Guys. So many guys cheat on their wife or girlfriend. I'll probably never get remarried. I'll have Volleyball in a hour and a half. I'm really nervous about it. I haven't played it for so long. I'm sure it'll be fun. Sun. Nice day. Kid's talk. Dinosaurs. They're nice to play with. Still got a lot of homework to get done before Monday. I hope it gets warm soon. I hate this weather. Especially cause of that stupid car. Wish I could fix that darn heater. Multiple choice question. That SW course can't be that hard. It's only a 100 course. Physiological or whatever it is this Biology course is gonna be harder to grasp. Feel stupid when they talk about cells. Just can't get an image in my head. All those ridiculous words. Blank. Relax. Relax. I can think a lot and still can't write. It just seems that my mind goes blank. There's too many thoughts. Drink. Wonder. Can't think of when I'm gonna have time for going out. But I will Friday. It's been so long. I miss going out. Just can't afford it anymore. Can't work any more hours cause of school. I need to find some guys who'll take me out more often. Doesn't have to be to dance. Todd's too stingy. I guess I'm old fashioned. Goin' dutch is something for modern girls. I'm not. I like to be treated to things. I don't feel like I owe people just because they take me out. Sure I wouldn't mind paying once for a person who's been taking me out. Dating is hard. Enough. I don't wanna get into this again. Just gets deeper and deeper. Don't like to think about that. Let it just happen. Drink! Gotta write letters when I get home. They're waiting. Do homework first though. Like to talk to Kim and Tiffany. Both are good to talk with. They're not airheads like Kimberly or Harvey. Gosh how can anybody be that naive. 15 minutes.

January 12, 1992
Gosh, it's already been almost a week again. A crazy week. Todd seems to be back on his drugs, just not quite as bad as before. Sometimes I wish Richard was serious. But even if he would go with me, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't get a divorce. I like him though. I was stupid enough to leave the Big Gulp all weekend on my desk. Now it ate through the cup and left a nasty looking spot on my desk. I remember how we got that desk. It was at Sutherlands and the woman forgot to charge us for it. Yuck! My coke looks nasty. It must be the ice. I got almost all addresses from the Denny's crew now. Cheryl and Randy didn't even want to give me their birthdate. Stupid! Oh well, they won't get a card either! Richard is sweet. Harvey worries about hanging up on me still. He asked me again if I quit smoking yet. He doesn't get that I can't do it alone. I'm thinking about going to one of those clubs which have a talent night, once I got heartbreaker down real good. It would be neat if I could start a band that way. I had a few cute customers last night. One table left me 5 bucks. There were three guys, 2 from Australia and one from California. The one from Australia was really cute. Jen liked him too. I like Jen. I wish we could become closer friends. I know we could make a cute team. I liked the Volleyball Saturday. I'm thinking about starting a team in Grantsville once I'm through with the class. I also want to start a single parent group. I need to meet some people here in Grantsville. Everyone I ever meet is from Salt Lake City. I wanna go to California sometime this year. I miss Lorene and I wanna see PV and Nathan as well as Jamie again. I had a neat dream a little while ago when I took a nap. My Oma helped me find the right guy for me. I'm sure she will if she can. Sometimes I think it would be better to stay on my own so no one but myself can tell the kids what to do. I want them to grow up healthy and happy. But I can't stay by myself. I'm happy I'm seeing Heidi again. I need her. She tells me I'm a co-dependent.

January 14, 1992
I have a terrible believe. I think Todd stole my Sinclair card and charged $100 worth of stuff. It fits almost perfectly. He moved back in the house on October 13th and left early November. The card got used between the 18th of October and November 5th. The signature of John Smith and Jay Smith looks more like Todd's handwriting than Tony's. It had to be Tony or Todd. No other person had access to my purse. Tony does not have a car. Todd does. I don't know what I should do in case I'm right but I know he'll give me at least my $50 back, otherwise I'll bring this matter to court. I'm so tired of Todd's addiction and behavior. I do not love him anymore. He's a selfish, stupid son of a bitch! And I mean exactly what I just wrote! I know one thing: I'll be using him left and right before I dump him if I find out my suspicion is true and I will steal from his house everything I would like to have. I teach him his own tricks. Ill give him his own medicine. I might just go to the cops and tell them all about him. His drug use and his dealers. I know I can find out their names and addresses. I'm tired of drugs and the people who use not only drugs, but people as well. I'm gonna help those Narcotic cops to make a good drug bust! I'll start with Dan and Danny at Trolly Square. I should've opened my mouth a long time ago, but I'm kind of scared about doing it. I don't want to be killed. Just like Tony and his breaking in to cars. I'm totally against all this illegal stuff and I would like to make an end to it. I'm making myself guilty for not opening my mouth. But I know people kill narcs in that "profession" and I'm plain scared. But I think I'm getting mad enough about all this (Todd's continuous use and getting away with it, his stealing, lying, etc.) and thinking about all the people who are getting hurt... I think I just need a little more to get over the fear! I wanna meet a guy who's not on drugs and who treats me right!

January 16, 1992
I think I flunked my Quiz in Human Physiology. Oh well, I can drop one of them anyway. I just didn't want the first one to be it. I went to a detective today and he thinks it was Todd's signature too. He advised me to go to Salt Lake City Police and start an investigation. Debra thinks it was Todd too. Heidi advised me to go to the police too. She made me realize that Todd deserves a coming down from somebody. Plus, even if he didn't do it, he's not the guy for me. But, I'm not going to call him. He's not even worth a long distance call. I need to sit down and rewrite my view of a good man and I'm gonna have to stick to that.
Most important issues:
1. No past drug involvement for at least 5 years
2. No past Jail or Prison-time.
3. Steady job history.
Not so important issues, but still has to fulfill
1. Is not using people
2. Friendly and open
3. Gets along with my kids
4. Treats me right
Other issues which would be nice
1. Clean
2. Helpful
3. take me out, brings me flowers, etc.
4. Doesn't pressure me
questions I have I wanna find out with Heidi:
Why am I so easily attracted to guys?
Are my expectations set too high?
Why am I attracted to Rich, but not to Harvey

January 26, 1992
I like work most when Jen and Richard are working. Kimberly is a witch. I told Richard something today that Kimberly and Kim overheard. I wish they wouldn't have. At least not Kimberly. Now the whole Denny's will know what I've said by the next time I work. I don't want to be seen there as an easy girl. I'm not. The only guy I would do anything with there, is Richard. I just like him a lot. The other guys are just guys. Rich is different. I really would like to be with him, even if it would be just friends. I don't like to think of him being married. Oh well, I can't help it if he turns me on.

January 31, 1992
I wish my car would run and Todd would have his own place. I can't wait till the party. Jen and Darren are going to come if they get the time off. I wish Richard could come. Keith said he would come for sure and Edra said maybe. I invited two people that are also regulars at Denny's. Mark and I are friends again. He gave me a big hug and said he was sorry. I like Shelby. He is a neat teacher. Edra said Keith likes me. He doesn't have a job, so he's out of the question. I dreamed two nights ago that Doug died in an accident while he was in Germany. Why do I keep dreaming about accidents?

February 2, 1992
Yesterday was really fun at work. I didn't make but 28 dollars, which is already almost gone, but it was fun. Larry and a friend of his were sitting at the counter. I talked to the regulars and invited a few people to the party. Gosh, there was a guy, one of those regulars, who I never really talked to much before. He seems like a really nice guy. He is an electrician and his name is Randy. Darren thinks he's married though. He will be at the party. At least he said he would. I guess Richard will be there too, hopefully with his wife. Todd has been gone since Friday. Nobody heard from him. He is not gonna be at the party! If he can't pay me he will be out of here. I don't want anything to do with him anymore. I know he's back on the coke. All he needed was money. I'm tired of supporting him. I don't love him anyway, so why keep him around? he just keeps me from falling in love.

February 4, 1992
Randy called me yesterday. He's getting his second divorce in March, is born on June 19th, 28 years old and asked me to go to dinner with him tomorrow. I said I'd go. We had a lot of fun on the phone and we talked for a long time. He still seems to be a pretty nice guy, but I'm also a little scared about his two times being married. Plus he has just quit his job, even though he said he was only unemployed for two weeks in the past two years. He had some problems with traffic tickets before too. I still have to find out a lot before I can say I'm at ease!

February 6, 1992
Boy am I tired. Randy and I went to Pizza Hut last night, cause everything else was closed. He's really nice. He quit drugs 5 years ago and probably had a good cause for his divorces. He seems to be a guy I can trust. And he is a typical Gemini - he likes to be funny.

February 10, 1992
Randy asked me to marry him and I said yes. I'm so happy with him. He reminds me a lot of Tim M. by his personality. I feel so close to Randy. The funny thing is: He fits to ALL points I made up and wrote down January 16th. Even the ones that I didn't care so much about. Well, I guess that worked fast. Once I had made up my mind not to look for anyone anymore and let Higher Forces take care of things, it all worked out. Gosh, I love Randy so much! He's everything I ever wanted and everything I've ever hoped for. I can be me with him. Really me! Every little bit of it. Even before he asked me I told Jeanine: "This is it! I just have this feeling inside that this is it!" Randy and I are already the best of friends. Jenny and David like him very much too and are glad to have him as a Stepdad. Jen from work couldn't believe it when we told her, but she's happy for us. We became closer at the party. I really like to have her as my friend and she already agreed upon being my bridesmaid. My life is really taking a turn to the good. I finally meet people who deserve my trust and don't use me. Todd got carried away at the party and I through him out I even had to call the cops. I blackened his eye. Randy jumped in and ended up biting Todd's finger. Thank goodness he only got a few scratches. Randy and I make a great team. I love him! I hope I will get along with his family. He's a returned missionary that got a little rebellious (I call it disappointed) with church because of circumstances and got excommunicated. But he says one day he'll be a member again. We're so much alike, I'm sure he's heaven-send. Now we can help each other in going the right direction. I love this man!

I'm happy! I really like the life I'm leading right now and I found someone who fits perfectly in our little family. Randy is a neat person. I even let him read my diary. I feel really comfortable with him and I don't feel I have to hide anything. David goes on my nerves. He doesn't listen very good lately. Randy is going to be a good influence on all of us. I'm happy. I'm in love for the rest of my life.

February 20, 1992
Looked for names for kids with Randy. In case we can have some more. Following sound good: Jessica Ann, Cassandra Fay, Jeremy Jay(JJ) and Darren Lynn.

March 3, 1992
I can't decide what I want to do more. Do I want to be a Psychologist or an Auto mechanic? Pro Psychology: I've always liked counseling people (something I've always wanted to do) A lot more money ($40,000/year) No need for baby-sitter. Con Psychology: Takes a long time, costs a lot of money, People like Todd would be frustrating, Tired of studying books. Pro Mechanic: Something I've always wanted to do, only 9 month long. Mostly paid by grant. Hobby! Con Mechanic: Need baby-sitter. People won't approve. Not so much money. Well, I'm gonna check this out some more. Find out exactly how difficult it would be to go for the Auto mechanic. Randy! I love him so much! I don't think I have ever been so happy. I think about him all the time. I can't wait till we're married. I think abut church a lot lately. I feel my grandma's spirit a lot. It's time to get things done for her.

March 30, 1992
Randy and I know each other for almost two months now. It seems like forever though. We postponed our wedding to the 19th of September cause of the money and the band. Oasis will play on our wedding after all. Randy has been out of a job for a week now. I hope he's getting a new one today. We can't make it on my lousy income. Especially not after we got that TV. It's gonna cost us $60 a month. I finally got the rings. They're so pretty. I also got a new job. I work at the Truck Stop now. It's a lot closer and I even make more money. I like everyone working there too. Maybe except for Laura. She's a little dense. I especially like Bonnie, Lucille and Ricky. I think Ricky is going to come over with a girlfriend to play cards. There are a lot of people there who live in Grantsville. Randy and I still get along great. The only thing I found a little annoying is that he didn't help me enough in the week I was home. Once I quit working though, that won't be a problem. I won't mind then. I'll have enough time to treat him good. We gotta get some friends here in Grantsville though. I get restless if I only sit at home in my spare time and right now we don't have the money to do much else. I love Randy so much, it's unbelievable. I just hope he's honest about his feelings. Sometimes I'm not sure if he's upset or if he's just kidding. I don't know if he understands our money situation. I love how he handles the kids. He got their full respect by now. He helped me out a lot by giving me his paycheck too. I couldn't have made it without his help. I melt when he takes me in his arms and tells me he loves me. I like it when he holds me or is close to me when we're sitting on the couch or when we're in bed. I love this man with all my heart!

May 7, 1992
Wow! It's been a long time since I've even looked in this. A lot has changed. I've been living with Randy since February 7th and I've got engaged to him February 9th. We're going to get married September 19th. I'm actually pretty satisfied with Randy, even though he's been out of work for 6 weeks now. We don't have any money, but I'm not as stressed out as I used to be about it. Randy brought a lot of good into my life. I'm a lot more relaxed now. I guess I have to, cause I was diagnosed with Asthma and I think I have an ulcer. I've started Automotive school at Bryman today. I think I'm really going to like it there. There are seven guys and me, but I know I'll get along with at least three of the guys. I'm gonna be able to fix my car as well as Randy's for a little bit of nothing. Jeanine has been a lot of help lately. She helped us again today when we were stranded on I-80 with a flat. I haven't heard from Todd nor from Tony in a long time.

May 30, 1992
I still love it at Bryman's. By now I know pretty much everybody and I like most of them. I'm popular. Kari, the girl in my class I'm not so fond of. She keeps on telling a whole bunch of lies. Rochell, the girl from the other class is pretty cool though. My team-partner Chris A. is great to work with and seems to be a real nice person too. Chris C. my tutor, is getting married next month. I think we'll end up being pretty close friends. I like him a lot. He does a lot of things I could never do (wouldn't want to), but he is always friendly and gets along with pretty much everyone, just like me. Chris A. is opening up more now too. I've been telling him to stick around at break-time and I think that helps. The same with Paul Smith. He's also a very quiet person and he seems to be very happy every time I talk to him. He's starting to hang around too. Tory T. and Dean are the next ones I'm gonna work with. Cause they don't seem to make any friends either, and I like both of them. Yeah, I'm still playing Psychologist it seems. Dean is a very handsome guy. I really can't understand why he is so shy. Bob L. is a nice guy also, even though Kari and Ted don't like him anymore. He's a Mormon convert, just like me, only he's doing better. Ted G. is all right, only he seems to dislike a lot of people. He almost quit school the other day. I kept on talking to him, trying to cheer him up. He knows Doug too. They were stationed at the Depot. I kind of dislike Chris B. and JR. They seem to think they're all that, but we'll see as time goes on. Furgerson seems to be allergist, even though he's never around. Gary is another really nice guy. Traver D. is quiet and seems a bit stuck up, but with people who are quiet, you never really can tell that easy. There are two guys whom I don't know their names yet. One is really nice and the other one is like Traver. The other class has some really nice people too. Bert is Rochells partner and is very helpful. Darwin seems to be a nice guy too. Fred always has a smile on his face and was nicknamed Guy Smily by Rochell. She seems to nickname everyone. There is Tigger, Mogli, Baloo and others I can't remember yet. All in all, I love school. Not only the people at school, but also the work itself. We've already done a real job on one of Rochell's friend's car and it felt great when it was running good again. The instructors, Mr. Gilbert and Mr. Bloch seem to like me a lot too. As well as our Director Mr. Foulberg. I think it's my Team-spirit that makes them like me. Well, not everything goes as well as school. David had the chicken-pox, I have my Migraine back and Randy seems to fall out of love. Sex had a comeback this week, but he hasn't told me he loved me before I said it for a long time. He doesn't hug or kiss me first anymore either. And, he doesn't help me in the house. Somehow I'm glad we don't have the money to get married in September. I wouldn't want it to end up in a divorce. When I get married again, I want it to be for life! To someone who loves me for the rest of his life! It is kind of scary with Randy, cause I still love him so much and I want everything to be back to the way it was. I love his family too. I don't know what I would do if I would lose him too. I already almost gave up before I met him. I'd probably never get close to a guy again. It just never seems to work out. It's 11 pm and Randy isn't home yet. He said he was at Derrick's house. I wanted him to come home. I feel so lonely. Oh please, don't let me lose him too!

June 1, 1992
The Test in school was ok. I haven't gotten the result yet, but it should be ok. Today Traver actually started talking to me. Maybe he isn't stuck up after all. He thought it was funny that I laugh so much. Randy is still the same. Bert lost his job last night because he was sleeping on the job. Dean wasn't there today. Paul is starting to stick around during brakes. Everyone seems to like the idea about a reunion in 5 years. I'm going to design something for it tonight. I'm working on Randy's car now. I get along great with Chris. Chris and Tory are coming to my house to get tutored from Chris maybe. It would be neat. I love school!

June 9, 1992
I have the chicken-pox and can't go to school. Randy and I broke our engagement. He doesn't love me anymore. I wish I knew why. I feel so lonely! I caught him talking to his supposed ex on the phone in the middle of the night. I thought I'd found my dream come true, but I guess there is no such a thing. Not in the 90's anyway. Why was I ever born? My whole life has been one misery after another. What else do I have to go through? Enough is enough. I just can't take it anymore! I still love him so much and it hurts so bad. I know one day I'll be over the hurt, but I will never trust another man. I hope God is not a man!

June 14, 1992
Boy oh boy! Sometimes I really wonder where my head goes when I get hurt. Afterward I always learn more than what I've lost anyway. And all the stuff I think when I'm hurt and pity myself isn't true anymore just a few days later. The kids took it well and don't think of it as bad that Randy and I won't get married. Randy and I ended up being good friends. He's going to stick around until all the bills are paid off. I really appreciate that of him. It's going to make the transmission period less painful too. What's funny is that I'm already over the pain. I guess I prepared myself good enough in the past few weeks. Everyone in school knows by now and they're really cool. Thursday night Chris, Paul and Bob came to Denny's with me. I'm making a "Boggus Yearbook" for Bryman Automotive. By now I've found out that JR ain't as bad as I thought he was. I still don't think greatly of Chris B. though. Todd is going to be in town next week. I actually miss him, but not romantically. I hope he'll come and see us. I think Randy thinks I'll still sleep with him, but he's going back to his wife and I'm not about to go to bed with him anymore. I met Edra, Keith and Rodney at Denny's Thursday night and they came to my house and stayed all night. Edra is a nut. I like Keith. A bunch of people were supposed to go to Life O'Reighly's Friday night, but it ended up just being Keith and myself! Jim Furgerson mixes pretty good White Russians. Chris B. was there too. Him and his wife separated. He's still a know it all! Keith and I danced a couple of slow dances. Boy is he tall. I never danced with anyone that tall. But it actually felt good. I wish we could've danced some more. It felt great being able to put my head on his shoulder, close my eyes and let my mind wander. Edra is trying to convince me how bad Keith is and that he's slow etc., but I think Keith is a pretty good guy. He's not real smart, but Edra is the stupid one. She makes me mad. Is she talking bad about me too? Then she already had us married. She's crazy! Right now Keith and I are friends..nothing more. And marriage to anyone is not even a subject to me for a while anyway. Next weekend Keith is taking me out (payback for Friday cause he didn't have any money and I paid for his drinks). At least I hope he will. Oh, my car broke down. I slept in the car Friday night and Saturday morning Keith and I tried to find out what the problems was. The rocker-armshaft was broken in two. James and Shelly helped me out to get the part. But it still doesn't work right. We brought it to Bryman and I guess I'll find out Monday what the deal is.

June 15, 1992
What is my purpose? The book tells to list my positive things on a piece of paper. I guess I will. The Ford is going to be sold. Keith called last night when I was already asleep. He just called me again a few minutes ago. I might see him and Edra for a while tomorrow at Denny's. I'm going to try to quit smoking again. Keith is going to call me again later. I really like Keith. I've done a 94% in this test and a 97% in the last one. My average right now is a 89%.

June 25, 1992
I have gotten my Engine score today. I passed with a 94%, which is within the best grade. I am so proud. AT least I am not below average. I want to ask Mario if I can work for him on Saturdays for a few hours as a volunteer. That would give me a lot of experience and it would be lots of fun too. We started Tranis yesterday. It's not as bad as I thought it would be and Suprak is actually a fun teacher. I was talking to Traver during lunch today. He is a pretty nice guy. I don't know why Kari thinks so bad about him. Keith has been calling me. He's going to Yellowstone this weekend. I wanna go out dancing this weekend. I hope I can find someone to go with . I also wanna go to the Arts-Festival in Salt Lake City. I'm not selling my Ford after all. I've got it torn down and fixed. Now it just need to be put back together. It's going to be neat once it is done. I hope I can finish it this weekend. Randy's wife Karon is going to come live with us. She sounds really nice on the phone. I like her already. Paul helped me work on my car.. if that's what you call helping. Than he calls me Sweetheart. I didn't really like that very much! Bert helped me finish taking it apart. He keeps on wanting to have an affair with me, just like Chris C., but I'm not one who goes for married guys! Traver looks like he jumped right out of the TV. He is really good-looking. I like him. I wanna go out with a bunch of guys, but I'm not ready yet for another "real" relationship.

July 10, 1992
My life really is a soap opera. David and Jenny are going to live with their Dad for the next 5 months and I'm going to move to Salt Lake City and let Randy and Karon rent my house. After Garry and I had switched partners (we were a great team) I worked with Bob. We had a fight today, but we're still friends. Now I'm working with the guy I've been wanting to get o know a little better. He is one out of two guys in the whole school I would like to date. His name is Shawn and he's 22. He has a "sort of" girlfriend, but still is in the single scene. That's just what I need. Someone who doesn't want a commitment right away. The other guy is from Chassis, but I've only seen him around and don't know his name. Keith and I are getting closer. I stayed Friday through Monday (4th of July weekend) at Edra's house. I also like Edra's son Troy. I would like to be Traver's friend. He's smart and likes to joke around. I've been invited to a concert tomorrow by Ida. It's going to be so much fun. I wanna go out with Shawn. I wonder if he likes me.

July 11, 1992
Today I went to the concert with Ida. It was a great concert with Lori Morgan and Steve Wariner, but the street dance sucked. The guys were all shitfaced. I didn't see but one guy I liked and he was in the band's crew. Then it started raining and they packed early. I met Paul. Ida is Ok, but she does use cocaine every now and then and I don't like that idea.

July 19, 1992
I actually started liking Kari and Rochelle. Kari is just young. She has a lot to learn. Rochelle and I think a lot alike about men. Keith and I are just friends. I know that for sure. I think I'm also making friends with JR. He is a very nice guy. Him, Kari and Keith helped me move yesterday. My apartment looks great. Sean is not going to school anymore. That means that I'm out of a partner again! I would love to go out with him though. He is so darn good looking! I left a note in his notebook in case he picks it up. Then Rochelle is going to take me to his house and drop his notebook off. Maybe he'll go camping with us. That would almost be like a dream come true. He's the only one I'm interested in at the moment.

July 20, 1992
I actually miss Sean. I think of it as rather strange. There is this other guy in school I think is cute, but I only talked to him a couple of words about Keith's truck. Sean reminds me of the time I really liked Dieter in Germany at the age of 16. As long as I was seeing him, and be friends, I was satisfied. I was at the Art show today. It was great! And unbelievable. Suprak was right. Those art pieces are really one of a kind. It was Kari, JR and me. We met Tory and Traver with his girlfriend Jenniffer. She is one of those real female kind of girls! I wanna see Sean. Maybe we'll end up going to his house tomorrow. I know now where he lives. Kari showed me. It's almost right across from Albertsons where I go shopping.

July 22, 1992
I brought Sean the invitation for my housewarming party on the first of August. He wasn't home so I gave it to his mother. I also gave one to the guy in Chassis, plus a whole bunch of other people. It's going to be crazy in this little apartment. Boy, I never had so much time for myself since I was a Teenager. In a way it's nice to be alone. I can do a lot of things I haven't done in a long time. We're not going camping this weekend. Maybe I'm going dancing if I can find someone to go with. I still have a little bit of money. I also want to pick up my bike and put it up for sale. I also want someone to stop by here this weekend.

July 25, 1992
I called Richard L. at Denny's today and asked him if he wanted to go out sometime (he is separated from his wife). He said yes and I gave him my phone #. I met Rochelles friend Perry at the Main last night. I think I'm going to break his poor little heart, cause I don't like him the way he likes me!

August 1, 1992
Today was my home-warming party. Sean never showed up. JR didn't come when he said he was either. Shawn is a cowboy. He is an ok guy. I really like Chad (Setz). He is a really nice guy. I hope we're going to be friends. He is half Tongan and is from the Chassis class. I love Jen. She is such a good friend. She came today, even though Darren was at the studio. Kari and Ramon showed up too. Jen gave me a mirror and a plant. She's gotten really cute. I hope we'll always stay in touch. Rochells is on the way. I miss Todd a lot. I wish he was here.

August 8, 1992
I'm going to go on a Double-Date with Richard L. tonight. Rochelle and Mark is the other couple. Richard called me twice.

August 8, 1992
Oh boy!!!~ It was great, even though I had my purse stolen and we ended up "breaking" in to my apartment. Rochelle and Mark ended up at the boot while Richard and I went to the Main. We didn't dance together, but we talked quite a bit. Rochelle came to pick up Mark and we all ended up at my place. Richard is different. His wife was pretty darn stupid for cheating on him. He's good looking, he likes to touch and he likes to talk. He melts me in a heartbeat. Richard is probably back Sunday. I can't wait. I liked Richard for a long time and I really like to think about him as a future-boyfriend. On the other hand, I feel that I might not be ready for him or any other guy to be serious about me. My perfect relationship would be to have one sex-partner, but being able to go out with other people too. Well, first of all I have to see if Richard is really going to come here tomorrow. It would really make me happy though.

August 11, 1992
Well, Richard never even called and the more I think about it, the more I believe it's better like that.

August 19, 1992
Boy, I had been depressed for about a week now until yesterday night. I went to the breath, said goodbye to Todd in my mind, which I never had the chance to in reality. I also saddled my depression. Sean never did call. Oh well, his loss not mine. I can't believe how many friends I've made lately. I've met a guy in Shopko parking lot today. I can't believe it! It's so funny. He's really cute. he looks just as good as Sean. I can't remember his name though (stupid me). He's from Vermont and he asked me out. He got my phone number. Good that I didn't go to school.

August 22, 1992
John (the guy from Vermont) called me yesterday while I was still in school. I hope he's going to call today. I was at the Main with Penny last night. It wasn't as good as usual. Probably because I had wanted to invite John to come along and I was somewhat disappointed when he didn't call back. Jen told me last night that Richard was supposed to call me. I don't even like Richard anymore. I don't like broken promises. Maybe I end up losing my house after all. Oh well, that's life. I'm happy once I got a good job.

August 24, 1992
I had 100 % on my test today! It made me feel super! John called again. I'll see him tomorrow. Rochelle, Mark, Kari, JR and Penny are going to be here too. John is only 20 years old. Wow! 6 years is just as much as Rochelle and Mark! He's been in quite a bit of trouble in Vermont I guess. Well, I guess I get to know him a little better tomorrow. I hope he doesn't do drugs. He doesn't have a job neither. It almost sounds like I'm inviting trouble again. Oh well, we'll see.

August 27, 1992
well, well! John has been here since Tuesday. He's really cute and I like him a lot, but there are things about him I don't like very much at all. He has to learn how to say please. He calls people names all the time (example: a person cuts him off and he says "fat slut" or something like that). He seems to tell stories - just like Todd and he hates Mormons. All this makes me think that our relationship won't last. I know he's only 20 and he may learn, but from his background and his unwillingness to help himself, It's very unlikely. Otherwise he's a great guy. he's very handsome and I like his way of thinking about traditional family life, as well as his protectiveness. He can be really sweet. Well, I guess I have to wait and see and watch out for my heart, so I won't get hurt again.

August 30, 1992
Well, I guess that was it with number 14 in my life. Gosh, John pissed me off so bad last night. I thought I would start yelling any minute. He's a little too much of a Macho. It's really funny. He reminds me of Todd by his telling stories and by his way he looks at life. He's a very negative person. He also reminds me a lot of Doug. He is very dominant and can't handle when a woman wears the pants too. John and I have many things that clash. I don't really know what it is, besides his looks that I like about him, but for some reason I do. Maybe because I'm so darn lonely. He blames me for everything. He is the first one I've had any problems with in the romance department besides Doug. I'm happy it ended up this way, cause I really don't want to end up being stuck with an asshole again. I need to learn how to handle life on my own. John is still very green behind his ears. I guess he's just too darn young. I'm sad it's over, but at the same time I'm glad that I have my freedom back. I was embarrassed about him telling all those stories to my friends in the first place. We are not compatible at all. He doesn't like people or crowds, I do! He doesn't like soft-rock, I do! He can't go to the Main Event yet and wouldn't enjoy it anyways, I love the Main! I like being the aggressive one in the romance department and he wants a dead fish. He's a country boy, I'm a city girl! He wants to be a truck-driver and I couldn't handle that type of life. I'm trusting, he's doubting. And so on. The list never ends. I miss Todd so much. WE were highly compatible and if it wouldn't have been for the drugs, we would have been married by now. Todd had fun everywhere we went together and with everything we did together. We were great in together in the romance department as well. I think Todd is the only one I've ever really deeply loved. I wish I could be with him now! I'm still mourning over Todd and it will take a long time before I'll be over the way Todd loved me and still does. I want Todd back!

September 6, 1992
Yesterday I went to the Main Event - by myself! I met a few people I know (Denny, this lady that I know from Perry ) and Rob (Johns brother) stopped by. Rob tried to get fresh with me and when I put an end to it, he got really upset. John and him stopped by my house after I came home and John tried to tell me I was still his girl. Well, he knows better now. He left pissed too. Todd called me Friday. After I talked to him, I was really down for a while, because he had a new girlfriend. But I wouldn't ever be able to live in Oklahoma City anyway and Todd is still doing drugs too. I just have to find someone whom I get along with, whom I am compatible with and I know I can forget him. I met a really nice guy at the Main last night. His name is Leonard K. and he is full-blooded German, but his parents were both born in the US. He's 26 years old (born in June - Gemini). He's got red hair though. He seems to be a real sweet guy. When he introduced me to his roommate, he said "isn't she cute, she smiles all the time." He gave me his phone number when I left and I called him today. I went to his place and we watched Brewsters Million. He might stop by after a while. I hope he does. He is very respectful toward me. I like that! He's been married for 6 years and has a 2 year old daughter, who he's trying to get custody of. His Ex left him for another guy. I like Len. He's cute! the slow dance we danced to is "Love me" from Colon Ray.

September 13, 1992
Len stayed over last night. He is sweet. I like him a lot. So far in my adult life there were Doug, Greg, Jon, Alf, Steve, Dave, Todd, Abdul, Randy, Richard, John and now Len. Sometimes I feel like a slut, but I do not go to bed with everyone. Len is really worried about diseases. I know I don't have any of the common ones and I really doubt if any of my former lovers has Aids. So I should be ok. Kari and Charly were over last night and we all got kind of tipsy. I went to the fair yesterday and bought a two-year membership at Spa-Fitness. I also bought a rabbit. I have to pick her up at 8 pm on Monday. I can't wait. It's an Angora rabbit and it's really cute. Now I won't be alone anymore. I don't know what to name her yet. Missy, or lazy sounds good. I might stick with Missy. Len might come back here tonight. It's really funny. I don't want to get in to a live-in relationship for a while and Len doesn't want a relationship neither. But he fits to my guide-lines for marriage material men. The ones that are really important anyway (doesn't do drugs, works, has no criminal history, loves kids, etc.). I don't love him yet, but I do like him a lot. I just hope I don't fall in love, because then I get hurt, because he doesn't want a serious relationship. Plus, I want to pursue my goals and there isn't any room for a guy right now. Well, all I can do is try to keep a little distance (don't see each other a whole lot) and maybe I can keep from falling.

September 22, 1992
Yesterday we started Chassis in school and a new bunch of guys started with us. There are a few guys I really like. Russell is a really nice guy and I think we'll be friends before I graduate. The other guy's name is Jason I think. I might have a job at Janson Motors. I hope I do anyway.

October 16, 1992
Well, it's been a while since I last wrote something. I haven't seen Len in the past three weeks. His phone got disconnected and I guess I don't care enough to go see why. I also haven't had any time. I started singing at the Sandy Station and everyone tells me that I'm really good. Monday I'm going for a singing contest. I could win $50,-. One guy said I was good enough to do it. Then there is school. I really like Jason R. and it bugs me cause he's only 19 (Dec 5). Plus, I don't know if he really likes me. I had a "fun" party last Saturday and Jason and Paul spent the night, cause they were too drunk to drive. Jason and I were feeding each other chips UNDER the bed and when he went to sleep, he slept on my bed. I crashed beside him. I was kind of hugging him when I woke up and he ended up holding me for a while, but I think that was more or less the beer. He's been married for a year before, so he knows what a relationship is all about and he says he likes being married. He's a very calm and smart guy. I wish we could get together. Yesterday was a party at Penny's house and today I went singing again. Sunday at 4 pm is study time. I hope Jason is going to come.

October 28, 1992
Today I found a job. I will start November 4th at Mark Miller Toyota. I love it. Jason hasn't been here for a while, but I do have the impression that he does like me. I just wish there wasn't the age difference. Than I wouldn't be so scared of asking him for a date. Paul told me he liked me. I wish he hadn't! I think he's ok, but he's 12 years older than me and not really my type. I'm really falling for Jason though. He's a great person. The way it looks, David is going to come back and stay with me and Jenny is going to go back with Daddy. I do miss David the most ,cause I know he misses me more than Jenny does. I could stay here until summer easily if it's just David and me and it would save me some money in daycare too. Maybe I can even take a break when he gets out of school to bring him home. It's going to be strange to have the kids back. I can't wait though. I miss them a lot. I wonder if Jenny ever wants to come back to live with me. I hope so, cause I want her to grow up to have a good mind. I wish Jason would really like me and ask me out or something. It's been 6 weeks and two days since I last saw Len.

November 5, 1992
Well, well. I got an Aids test Monday, got my car registered and insured. Tuesday was graduation. It was super! Mr. Gilbert and Suprak said that they never heard a better speech. I was at the Sandy Station Monday with Penny and Jake's (Jason) sister Krystal. I sang the homemade Graduation song on tape and played it at Graduation. Everybody liked it. Saturday (Halloween) I went to Jake's brother's house for a Halloween party. I slept at Jake's house. His family is really cool. Wednesday I started my job at Mark Miller Toyota. I love it. My partner Lance is a pretty neat guy. We're getting along great. I'm going to find out this week if Jake would consider being my boyfriend, cause if he doesn't I'm going to ask Lance out. I think I'll get along with everyone there, but there's no real cute guys besides Lance.

November 14, 1992
I love working for Mark Miller Toyota. Bob Curtis, my boss, is really cool. Lance and I have been seeing each other , but I don't' think it will ever get serious. Rance, another guy at work is really nice too. All the guys there seem really ok. Blake, Gary and Allan are my favorites right now. They're great to get along with. Dave (from detailing) is ok too Bob told me Friday I was doing a great job. I guess I grew two inches. I think I'll stay there for a long, long time. Len came back into my life the other day, but he didn't get what he thought he would. I'm not having sex anymore unless I know the relationship will work for a longer period of time. Especially now after getting an Aids test. I still like Jake a lot I miss him a lot too. Krystal and me were cruising State today and I told her how much I liked Jake. She said he did like me while we were going to school together. She doesn't know about now. Yesterday I went with Penny to a Hockey game. I won the tickets at Mark Miller. It was great. We were sitting in a suite with livingroom, kitchen, bathroom and phone. I felt important.

December 10, 1992
Boy, lots has happened this past month. I still love working at Mark Miller Toyota, but I don't think Lance will for much longer. He's a total fuck-up. I still like Rance, Blake, Gary, Alan and Dave, but I also like Raymond, Ray, Clyde, Bruce, Russell, Justin, Ron and Lisa. I wish they would hire Kari if they fire Lance. I have a boyfriend. His name is John. He is born on April 23, 1955 and he's a machinist. My horoscope tells me it's a perfect match. I will be moving to his (our) house tomorrow. I have no doubt that we'll stay together. The funny part is that I met him through a date-line. We talked on the phone for hours. He called me on November 30th for the first time, after I left my # on the dateline. He called me again on Dec. 1st, Dec, 2nd and he came to my place and we have seen each other every day since. Tuesday (12-8) we both - individually - picked up a rose for each other. That was neat. On 12-4 we saw Dracula in the theater. Tomorrow I'm going to be the happiest person in the world. He's so neat. I love him so much already. Gosh, it feels like we've already been married for a while. It's a really calm and confident relationship. It's wonderful. I never was serious with an older guy and it's working out great. I'm happy. I also like his stepson Tony and I know the kids will like John. Boy, I'm totally in love. He also had an Aids-Test!

December 23, 1992
David and Jenny came home Monday and just like I predicted, they both love John. Christmas already happened and it was great. I think it was my best Christmas ever. I bought John a T-shirt, a regular shirt and some bikini briefs. He got me an air nozzle, an oilfilter wrench, a pair of slippers and some socks, a shirt and a turtle neck from church, a pencil from David. It looks like we're going to get married sometime this spring. Either on April 23rd or May 27th. He was already talking about adopting the kids. He's such a neat person. I love him very much.

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