1991

baby

February 26, 1991
My life is very confusing. I'm engaged to be married and I'm sure Alf would be true to me and would care for me. I like him, but the "it" is missing. I love Todd. He tells me nice things and seems to really mean them. He tells me that I'm beautiful and sexy. Alf always says that he doesn't go by looks, but by character. That tells me that he doesn't like my looks. Well, I don't like his looks neither, but I think Todd is cute! Alf is a nice guy, never really gotten in any trouble. Todd has been in jail, is in jail right now and smoked pot. He tells me that he is going to quit smoking pot and is going to be a nice guy, cause he wants to be with me. He says he loves me and wants to get serious. I've never cheated on anybody until I met Alf. There's been Dave, Steven and now Todd. Deep down, I guess I know I shouldn't marry Alf, but I also am afraid of breaking up. He's my security blanket, cause I know what to expect from him. I know he will never hurt me. I just think I might end up like Doug if I stay with Alf. Somehow I love him, but he doesn't seem to be enough.

March 16, 1991
Well well, I just read the last few pages of this diary and now I feel stupid. First there was Jim, I thought I was in love with, but who turned out to be an asshole. Than there was Kevin whom I've never seen again. Then Jon! I think I really did like Jon a lot if it wouldn't have been for his drinking problem and his strange desire for weird sex I didn't want. He even made me feel good by sending me flowers and roses, but we would've never made it. Well, Ralf - I know now - is one of the best friends I've ever had - and a security blanket, but real love it was NOT! At least not for me, or I wouldn't have cheated on him with Steven even before I left to go to Germany. In Germany we had several bad fights and now being back in the States, I haven't missed him a single day. It hurts to tell him goodbye, but our future hold two different paths. On Friday, February 9th, I met Todd C. Noone in my life has ever treated me the way he treats me. My love to him has been tested while he served time in jail and it holds strong. I could have slept with Steven, but I didn't. I could have went dancing, but I stayed home, waiting for his phone calls and writing him letters, wishing he was by my side. I really feel good about our relationship and I think we'll be able to make it together. I won't think about getting married for a while yet, but if he stays the way he is and keeps clean (what he said he would) and keeps loving me, I know I will end up marrying him. I've never been told that I was sexy, beautiful, or a dream come true. I've always settled for less than I dreamed of. Todd matches my dreams exactly. I just hope he really is MY "dream come true" and stays with me forever.

March 17, 1991
I'm frustrated cause Todd isn't out yet and most likely won't come out until Tuesday. I hate being without him. I guess I will meet his Mom today. She's going to help me move my headboard for my waterbed. I hope she likes me and we'll get along. If she's anything close to her daughter Toni, I know I'll like her. I get along good with Toni. Gosh I miss Todd so much. I can't believe how close I feel to him within such a short period of time. I really, truly love him. And I've never ever felt as good with anyone I've ever met before. Well, I believe in fate (destiny), so I know we're meant to be together. I just hope that we're meant to be together forever.

March 18, 1991
It's 9:30 am now and Iím a nervous wreck. I keep thinking "Is he on his way out, or is he still up there?" "Will he get to come home today?" I wish I would get a phone call so I finally know what's going on. I'm sitting on needles here. I wish I could make the phone ring. Todd said he heard it takes two hours before you're actually out. Well, if they started around 8:00 am, he should be out at 10:00 am.

March 25, 1991
I'm going crazy. David is screaming cause of his legs, Todd is mad, cause I won't let him go to Blake's and Kong won't leave. I'm tired! I need to talk to Todd before I can go to sleep. I'm not sure anymore if it's going to work. I love him so much, but I think he's going to leave me sometime. I don't think he's going to be able to deal with my needs, but I guess I'll find out about that after our talk. I'm not willing to do Doug's story over. I rather not love anymore ever again, than ever hurt like that again in my life. I love Todd so much and I hope he's gong to stay by my side, but I'm not so sure. He likes his friends too much. We need to get away from all those people Todd knows. They're all not worth shit! I wish he'd stay away from them and make new friends - good couples!

April 2, 1991
I love Todd so much, but it hurts so much at the same time. I want to get married to him so bad, but Iím scared of it at the same time. I might lose him in the morning. I don't want any more drugs. I cannot live like that. I'm scared of it. Pot's against my better judgment. I know too well how it effects someoneís life. I don't want to lose my intelligence, nor do I want my kids to see me that way. It seems like Todd is unable to live in reality. He's running away from his problems. Either he drinks or he smokes pot. I am not willing to live such a life. Todd is good to me, and I love him more than anyone else I've ever loved, but he's going to have to decide. I rather live in reality and with the law without love than in a dream world with him. I'll probably never love again if I should lose him and I might never get over the hurt, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just too straight - care too much - and I'm scared! Oh God help me! I love him so much. Don't let him go. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. Don't let the drugs destroy our life. I'm going to write Todd a letter. If he should decide against our love, I thought of so strong, I will give it to him. It will explain how I really feel. Maybe he changes his mind. Please help me to get this straightened up without losing him. He is my dream come true, but I can't handle it.

April 22, 1991
I think something broke inside of me. I still love to the max, but I'm so disappointed and I lost some trust. Does he really want to quit or is he just telling me that? When is the next time gonna be? Maybe I have to prepare myself to a life without his love. It breaks my heart - it hurts so much. It seems like he can't deal with it and I'm stupid enough to fall into the same pattern. I hate myself for that. I wish I wouldn't have. I donít want the high. He needs to find a job. Something has to change. I don't want to lose him, but I know I can't change him, without him wanting to. I also know I couldn't wait for him if he would go back to jail. A few days ago he did me like Doug. he was gone for 5 1/2 hours. He drove drunk. I was so hurt. Maybe we need to talk. I don't know how though. I love him so much and I'm scared he will decide against me. What is the future going to look like with him? Is it going to be straight?

May 12, 1991 (Mothersday)
It hurts so much. He just left without saying anything while I was in the bathroom. I went looking for him on the bike, but I couldn't find him. Why do I always end up hurting? I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be loved and understood. I give up! I have to live for my kids. I can't leave them with their Dad. He doesn't love them. Oh Todd, where are you? I wish he would understand, would respect me the way I respect him. I love him so much. Oh God, why do you do this to me? Am I supposed to suffer for the rest of my life? Will I never be really happy? Not even for a few days?

May 24, 1991
I'm through fighting! I'm not spending another dime on Todd. If he can't pay me half the rent and utilities, he just has to go. I'm going to work and he has the fun. He doesn't even clean up the house. Oh yes, it hurts and I still love him, but I guess he's just using me. Everything and everybody comes before I do. And I'm number one or no number at all. The kids will get over him. I will find a baby-sitter and I will be better off without him. I won't be hurt all the time and I will have enough money to pay my bills and rent. I don't know why I always fall for the wrong men. I hate life. I won't ever fall in love again. F&#%@ men! All they can do is hurt you. At least I still have my kids and I know that they love me!

May 29, 1991
Well, I already had Todd thrown out Monday, cause of the pot, but he told me he would try real hard and we both cried. I wish I had my old Todd back. The Todd who couldn't get enough of me, the Todd who didn't want to spend a minute without me. He left again almost one hour ago without telling me. Well, he's starting to work with me tomorrow (I hope). Maybe it'll change. Otherwise he'll leave. I can't handle having another Doug around. I hate losing him, but he doesn't even know how much he hurts me every time he leaves me here alone. It wouldn't be half as bad if we would see each other more often, but this is not the case. I love Todd a lot, but I can see the end coming and it hurts.

July 12, 1991
It's time to write my thoughts down again. Todd is "home" again after being gone for three days. When I got home he asked for 25 bucks, took my motorcycle (the light doesn't work on it) and took off to buy drugs. I thought he would be back before dark, but he's still gone. It's getting worse and worse with him. I don't think he really loves me anymore. I just don't understand why he keeps coming around. I have times nowadays where I actually hate his guts. Every now and again the love still peaks out, but it's starting to be rare and far between. I would like to just throw him out, but I don't know if I can do it financially. He now owes me $110. Toni N. (29) is a good friend to me and I think I have a little crush on him, but I have to be careful, cause he's been in jail before too and he drinks a lot as well as takes drugs occasionally. Not like Todd, but nevertheless. Toni only had two girlfriends in his life.. that's not a whole lot. I think I would like to be free again. Without a boyfriend. Maybe date like a Teenager, without getting serious right away. I just know I got enough of Todd. He can go to hell. I'm going to try to pay off my debt and get out of this relationship.

August 8, 1991
Todd might still be living here, but it's over. He has to be out by October 1st , unless he'll change 360 decrees, which I know he won't.

August 10, 1991
Paul called yesterday. Yes, Paul Hillick. I still can't believe it. I thought about him so many times, tried to turn back the time to change what I've done, dreamed about being with him and he calls. Wow! Now I know I really still care for him, I just got prove by the way I acted when he called. He said he might be coming up here for vacation. I want him to sooo bad! I could tell he still cared for me too. It would be my dream come true. I'm a little scared though. What if he doesn't like the way I look anymore? I love the way he says "Baby". Todd hurt me so bad, maybe more than Doug. I don't really want to hurt him, but I can't live my life with him and that's NOT because of Paul's phone call!

September 4, 1991
I finalized it. Todd's stuff got to be out of here by Sunday. It feels so good to know he's going to be gone! I wish I could just wipe those 6 months with him out of my life. Oh well, maybe the stuff I learned from him comes in handy in the future. At least I can tell now who's on drugs and who's not. My first weekend at the Denny's restaurant was great. It was real busy Sunday, but I still had fun. I helped Eric do the dishes my last two hours at work, cause he was so far behind and I guess that gave me some good points by everyone, including my boss. Well, I guess I'm just a natural helper. Kathie (a waitress) and I are going to party our birthday at the Main Event, since we have it on the same day. David is going to have a nice party also this year. I finally earn enough to treat my kids to something every now and then. It feels good! I'm not a Welfare Case anymore. Yeah! Juan, a Mexican worker at Denny's is treated pretty bad there, cause he doesn't speak English. I'm going to try to teach him and be his friend. Maybe I'll learn Spanish while I'm at it. I was trying to contact Ramon so he could teach me some Spanish, but he hasn't called me back. I haven't seen Toni for a long time. His parents threw him out, but he's still working at Seven Eleven. Paul and I have been calling each other. I hope he comes to visit me in October. He told me he would send me money to come to see him, but I can't do that as much as I would like to. First of all he still has a girlfriend and second, what if it doesn't work out between the two of us. Then I would feel like I owe him something. Well, as much as I felt for him all those years, I shouldnít have no doubts myself and I don't have a whole lot of doubt, but I changed so much, maybe he doesn't like me anymore at all. Well, we'll see.

September 19, 1991
Juan is not working at Denny's anymore. I'm having a great time there. I live alone now and it feels great. Todd still thinks he could go to bed with me sometimes, but I don't have any love left for him. Tony and I are getting to be pretty good friends, but I don't want to get too close. He drinks too much and he does acid. I don't like that. otherwise he's a great guy. Paul hasn't called me anymore. I don't know what I should think about him. A couple of weeks ago, I met the most handsome guy in a long time. He was my waiter at the Comedy Circuit (I won tickets from K98.7 FM). I went with my neighbor Teola. His name is Mark and he has blonde hair (short). He has a great body and a cute smile. He also has a neat personality and he's 28 years old. Just like me, he works two jobs and is real busy. My friends say he seems to like me too, and by now I believe it. I would really like to go out with him sometime. Dexter wants to get me started in Amway again, but in a different way. I hope it works for me this time around. Another thing I would really like to do is getting a band started, so I can sing again. David got his report card yesterday. He's great in school. He may even make it to be a doctor one day. I would really like for him to be something where he earns good money. He got the brains for it. I'm having a big party for him. He invited 28 people! It's going to be fun!

October 7, 1991
David is 7 years old now and I'm 26. Time to do something with my life! I'm thinking about moving back to Grantsville and just working three days for Dexter and start school again in January for Psychology. Grantsville would be a great place for my children to grow up. There would be a lot less pressure on them. There were 16 kids on David's party and David had lots of fun. Todd went to dinner at Denny's with us. I partied my birthday with Teola at the Main Event and I had lots of fun. I danced to almost every song. Only one guy turned me down. I've met a pretty nice guy. His name is Mike and he's 25. I gave him my phone number. Paul doesn't call anymore. I won't call anymore either. I'm not running after no guy. I haven't been able to go to the Comedy Circuit last week, so I haven' talked to Mark. I really start liking Rick from 7/11. He's 25 year old and seems to have a great personality. I gave him my phone number Friday but he hasn't called me yet. He's not my usual type, but I can imagine feeling taken care of if I would be with him. He's tall, handsome and not as skinny as the usual, but he isn't fat neither. He works two jobs also. Todd spent the night yesterday. It felt good to be close to someone again, but I wish it could be someone else I could be close with. I'm still thinking about that bond thing, but I can't do anything while Tony is here. He's staying here for a few weeks, cause he doesn't have a place to go.

October 23, 1991
Rick, Mark, Tony, Todd.. enough is enough! I've thought about things for a long time and I'm tired of all this bull! I'm not going to try to find a boyfriend anymore. I put all my effort in my new business and once I make a lot of money, I can look for a guy who will be my equal!

November 26, 1991
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find myself. I still do things I regret later on, or I wonder why I did them in the first place. For a while I thought I had myself and what I want as well as what I need pretty much figured out. I thought I wouldn't need anymore counseling. Here I go though, facing another problem I just can't figure out by myself. Trying my best to find the answers to my hidden self, improving myself as much as I can, I'm thinking constantly, even in my sleep. Still, there are questions I just cannot find the answers to. At times I truly ponder whether I expect too much of myself and others. Will my dreams ever come true or are they set too high? I understand myself way better now compared to the time I was married. My self-knowledge was scarce before I started college in September 1989. My self-esteem was lost - probably way before I became a Teenager. I settled for anything and anybody as long as it seemed to have a fair future. Well, I found somewhat of a self-esteem. My face looks nice, I'm smart, my voice sounds good and I can dance well. I still feel that I need to get my body in shape, but somehow I can't seem to get the weight down. I fail with everything I try to do about it and I'm too lazy to keep exercising. Somehow I know, it's not my bodyís fault, but the fault of the way I think if I cannot seem to get the right male to lead my life with. Still, I seem to blame my failures on my looks. I also still blame my parents for a lot of the bad things which go on in my life. I used to actually hate them for messing up my life. Now I know they tried their best and I'm not as angry anymore and I can even say I love them. After over one year I can even understand my ex-husband for some of the things he did. What I still don't understand is his refusal of getting marriage counseling. The problems I'm trying to work out now are mainly concerning men. Why do I dream of being with Sam after knowing him only one day and him living 8 hours away? Why am I thinking about being Todd's girlfriend again after all the heartache I've been through with him and knowing relapse could occur at any time of his life? Why do I turn Al down after he gave me money to pay my rent, holding doors open, taking me out for dinner and dance, helping me out at home, doing everything to make me feel good? Why do I tell Al I'm sorry when really I'm not? Why do I do things I don't really wanna do? Will I ever figure out why I do the things I do? How come I cannot stand to be by myself at times and at others go crazy when someone doesn't leave me alone? And why don't I tell them that I rather be alone?

November 27, 1991
Last night I had a long talk with Tony. He too thinks I have my life pretty good figured out -- except for my relationships. He asked me what I wanted. Well, I don't really know the answer to this. I have always been fast in "falling in love". Something must have gone wrong a long time ago. I grew up thinking my life had to be filled with a man, and I'm still miserable and lonely if I'm single. I remember from my diary when I was 15 "I feel like killing myself, if I would only find a way which didn't hurt! Nobody loves or cares about me anyway. Maybe life after death would be easier to live. If I only had a boyfriend who would love me - if I could only lose weight - I know I would be happy!" And I was "happy" when I finally did find a boyfriend. I was "happy" while I was married - at least I thought I was. Now I know happiness lies within myself, but I'm still searching for that part! I'm still looking for happiness coming from another person - from men! Tony and I talked about Todd and how a regular friendship - like the one Tony and I have - could improve both of our life. And how miserable I would be, being with Todd the addict. I don't really want to be Todd's girlfriend, but I still long for his love. Or Al! I called him last night and he came over. We talked a lot last night and I know he would be a good guy for me. But he told me a story last night, which doesn't fit in my life. He was married for 5 years in Marokko and he divorced her because she couldn't have babies. I cannot have anymore children and I'm not so sure I want more. I will talk to him again tonight to find out if he still thinks that way. I don't think he is that nice anymore. I judge something like that. Love should go over everything, over children and even over accidents which leave one crippled! I guess, maybe if someone was being dependable, exciting and looking good, maybe then I would settle down. I like the dull guy like Al because he's dependable. I like Sam for his looks and his romantic way and I like Todd because he brings a lot of excitement. I guess I want it all. I have a hard time being with a dependable guy who doesn't make me feel like he's good looking (like Al) because I flirt and end up cheating with others. I don't want to cheat, but I end up doing it anyway. One thing I do have to say:" It's the first time in my life I have a job I love (being a waitress) it's great!! Funny! I'm going back to Grantsville cause there is too much excitement in Salt Lake City.

November 28, 1991
I'm going to try to write something in here every day. The kids got picked up by their Dad yesterday around 6 pm. They'll stay until I pick them up Sunday morning after work. Tony and I are here by ourselves. I'm going to miss Tony and Tiola. Most of all Tony though. He's my brother. I hope he keeps in touch! This is going to be the first time in my life I will have a hard time moving. Does that mean I've learned what real friendship is all about? It's strange, cause it's really hard to leave those two behind. I also miss Lorene a lot. The only one I've ever really missed was Doug when he was gone with the Army while we were married. My life is getting more valuable every day. I have friends! It was never hard to move before. I understand why David doesn't want to leave Amanda behind. He loves her with his little darling heart and he's scared that he will never see her again. Once I'm in Grantsville I will never move again. Did my life mess up when I moved at the age of 6? I had real friends. I cried a lot. I remember that I didn't want to move. I never made real good friends after that! Even though I didn't move again until I was married. Thanksgiving - it doesn't have a meaning to me. I feel American, but this day means nothing to me. I don't have family here I could celebrate with. Not even my children. Even Christmas will be sad this year unless I find someone to celebrate it with. The kids will go to their Dad's again. I'm going to celebrate Thanksgiving at Charter Summit with Todd. I'll probably have fun there. Al is in Wendover for the holidays, but I didn't want to be with him in the first place. I planned on Charter Summit and Tony was going to celebrate it with Al at my house. Now Tony is going to be by himself. I hope he'll be able to go to Tiola's or somewhere else. I should've went to work on Wednesday. Sam was in Salt Lake City and stopped by Denny's to see me. I wish I could've seen him. He left me this note. He has a nice handwriting and he can spell! I wonder if the reason I get along so well with everyone at Denny's is the same reason as making real friends?

November 29, 1991
Today I finished cleaning my house. Only my blankets, pillows and mattress remained. Now I'm ready to go to sleep. Lately I havenít missed going out to dance. I wouldn't want to go all by myself anyhow. I would rather have a date so no one would try to pick me up. I have to get up early tomorrow, cause Todd's Dad, Roy, is going to fix my heater in Grantsville and I'm supposed to be at his house at 8:30 am or 9 o'clock. Tony kind of disappointed me today. He was gone the whole day and I had to do everything by myself like usual. Oh well, I got done earlier than I thought. I thought I would feel kind of lonely tonight, but it actually feels kind of nice. This way I can put my thoughts to paper. The package for my family cost me $15.25 to send. That's outrageous! Sam! I can't quit thinking about him. I hope he will answer my letter. And - I hope he'll send a picture of him. Maybe I will be able to see him again at Denny's. I don't miss Al. Maybe he finds his Baby machine in Wendover! Grantsville! I hope I will be able to get some real friends there and my kids too. I would like to fix my house up real nice and stay there forever. The house could really look nice, it just needs a lot of work and patience. Someday I would like to have a basement. I'm kind of scared about the court-date with Randy against Shauna and Doug. I wish they would just drop the whole thing. I wish Doug and Shauna could be like normal human beings and would be friendly to me. That would be so much better for the kids. I'd like to see Sam again!

December 7, 1991
I wanted to make this a daily thought collector, but it's been 8 days. The move made me forget about writing. Not really forget, but it didn't seem that big of a deal not to write. I'm almost done with everything about the move and I'm happy. I know I will be able to go back to school and I'm trying to get a waitress job around here. I've met a guy at Denny's on November 30th who I would really like to get to know a little better. His name is Allan, he's 29, drug-free and really good looking. Allan has never been married and seems to like a lot of things I like too. He tipped me 5 bucks which he made rings out of and we sat together for one hour after work and talked some more. I gave him my phone number, but he didn't call. That makes me sad, cause he said he would and he seemed interested. I've seen Al today and there is no love on my side, I have found that out today. I have also seen Todd today and I think I really like him, but I feel more of a brother - sister love toward him anymore. I'm really proud of what he's doing and I hope for him. I'm really excited about church tomorrow. I can't wait to see everybody again. Right now I'm having trouble with my bills. I hope I can work things out! I would like to go to the Eagles Nest at the Army Depot to dance and I'm going to ask Jeannine to go with me. I hope she will. I feel like dancing a night away, but I don't want to drink any alcohol and I won't. I'm not going to drink anymore at all. It's enough that I smoke. I know I'm not ready to quit that yet. I wish I could weigh myself, cause I seem to have lost some weight. At least it looks to me like I did when I look in the mirror. I feel great to be back in Grantsville and I feel good about myself. My old counselor Heidi is back. I'm happy! I love her!

December 8, 1991
I was in church today and it was great how people reacted. I've heard lots of "Oh it's so nice to have you back" etc. Wilma S. was the greatest of all. She took me by my arm and sat beside me. She really seemed happy to see me. So did Labrille. Labrille had cancer, but she looks great. She's a tough woman. I really want to get involved in the community this time. I mean, I'm going to spend the rest of my life here, I might as well do something. I've had another dream about being Shauna's friend. In a way I would like to be, but it seems so impossible. I painted my kitchen. It looks great. I've done a good job except for one cabinet. But it still looks better than it did. I also put the Christmas stuff up and I'm pleased. The kids like it too. All in all, it was a great Sunday! I wonder if Allan is ever going to call me. I guess I would be kind of upset if he did now, since he said he would call the same week. I don't like broken promises. The relationship between me and the kids is getting better as each day passes by. I've gotten a lot more patience lately and my way of handling them upgraded their behavior 100 %. Jenny is really expressing her feelings now. I like this a lot. The Children Center done wonders. David still seems to be angry at times, but it has gotten a lot better too. Tomorrow I will bring all those applications away and hope Glowing Ambers will hire me as a waitress. I have a good feeling for some reason.

December 9, 1991
I'm scared. Randy Walk (Shauna's ex) called me today. I have to appear in court Thursday, December 12th to testify against Doug and Shauna. I told him before that I would but I don't want to worsen an already bad relationship and I don't want to end up having to go to court and fight for custody for my children. I could not stand losing my children. They're everything to me. I work so hard to make them happy and I don't think they would ever be as happy at their Dad's. I want to start on my Foster parent plans. After so many years I'm coming close to realization of my dreams. I hope I won't be denied. It would break my heart. I have so much love to give which those children could benefit from. Today I registered for college. I'm not even taking Psychology this quarter. But I'm taking one course in Social work, that's going to be my minor anyway. Then I take Human Physiology, English 200 and Volleyball as a Credit Filler. I wonít have a lot of money left from the Pell Grant, cause there are 7 books to buy, but that's all right. In three years I will make more money than Doug used to make. I will buy us a nice car and I will be able to treat my children to things I want to treat them to. I'm happy ! This is the first time in my life I'm really happy without a man in my life. Maybe I'm healing. I'm not searching anymore. I don't feel lonely anymore. One day real love will come my way and the more I search the lesser the chance. I let God lead my way. He knows what's good for me and I know he has someone great in store for me. All I have to do is wait. 1995 is going to be a great year. It's going to be my graduation year. This is only 3 years away. It's a great feeling. I know I can do it! I love my life!

December 10, 1991
Today I feel a little bit lonely. I guess it's because I'm done with the whole house and there is nothing left to do. The kids are getting ready to go to bed. We played for a hour (circus) and had lots of fun. I need to make some friends around here, so I can visit with people when I feel that way. I don't know why, but writing about it already makes me feel better. I'm going to write Sam a Christmas card. I hope he'll answer my letter soon. I like my handwriting. It looks nice. It also looks American. I feel American. I wanna be an American. I guess I should start on a birthday present for my Mom. I'll have to send it the first part of January. After I finished the card for Sam, I'm going to look for what I can send her. It has to be something she doesn't have to hang. Gosh, I love my kids. I've built such a healthy relationship with them. I hope Doug doesn't start fighting for custody, cause I don't want to be afraid of losing them. I started on my Foster parenting today. I called Karen and talked to her. She will send me some paperwork to fill out. I can' wait until I can be a Foster parent. Once that comes through, I won't go to work anymore. Maybe one day as a waitress if they'll do that. But I will continue going to school. I miss Lorene. Tony kind of disappointed me by stealing those things. Now I can't trust him anymore, but I still miss him. If he hasnít' paid me by the 1st of January, I will bring that thing to a Pawn Shop. I should get at least $30 out of it. That'll cover the money he owes me.

December 12, 1991
Today was a bad day. At first I went to court. I still don't know if Randy Walk won the custody case. Doug swore in and then lied his butt of in the stand. He said he never laid a hand on me or the kids. Then he said that our marriage failed 'cause I had an affair with dear Ed. We were really close friends and I may have come close, but even that was AFTER I threw Doug out of the house because of HIS affairs. He called me a manipulative jealous ex-wife and his lawyer said I was jealous of the LOVE the kids show for Shauna. They tell me they HATE her! Doug also said that I was really drunk at Lorene's house (November 11th 90') and that I fell and hurt myself and then called the cops. I wonder if the judge believed THAT! Another thing he lied about was reading my letter to Alf. He could've never read it, cause it was in German and second, I never wrote Alf anything about an affair, cause there wasn't any. I never even cheated on the guy! Well, I guess that's what I get for trying to be nice to Doug. Gosh, I would never take him back. I wouldn't want to ever be mistreated like that again. Before I didn't know the difference. Now I know all about marital rape and the mental abuse he used on me and the kids. I'm not even going to try to be nice to Doug. Just nice enough to not hurt the kids. I got papers for the Foster parenting today. I don't know if I'm going to make it, cause you're supposed to have a certain income and I'll probably fail there. Jenny got hurt today while I was at work. she slipped on ice at the Temple Square. They're going to pay for the doctor. Boy, that doctor was nice. He's someone I dream about. He likes kids, makes enough money to support a family in a job he likes and he's handsome. Oh well, in 3 years I'll be able to support my own family and be able to buy nice clothes and nice toys for them. They're all I have and I love them a whole bunch.

December 13, 1991
The kids left with Doug about 1/2 hour ago and I already feel lonely. I will try to do some good things tonight. I can't find anyone to visit me or to go out with me and I don't feel like going by myself. So I'm going to sing and maybe work on my sweater for a little while. I already feel better now that I got some ideas about things to do. I'm going to start right now.
For some reason I really miss Todd. I just now realize how much I have been talking about him. I know he still cares about Teddy. I hope it doesn't hurt him too bad that she's back in town. I think I may still love him. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind. He's a good guy - a great guy when he is off of drugs. He changed a lot, but to his best benefit. Was my dream really a dream of the future? Will I be Todd's wife one day? I feel so strongly about him, miss him sooo much. I just wonder if it's really love. I'm not so sure anymore if I really know what love is, but there must be something to it cause I never cheated on him while we were boyfriend and girlfriend. But whatever comes, even if he doesn't want to be with me anymore, I wish him the best for his life and that he now may find what reality can really do for you. It's so much better than the drug world he used to be in. I'm crying now, cause I believe I will lose him to someone else. He could be the best Dad to David and Jenny. They love him. And he could be the best husband for me. I really used to be happy with him!

December 16, 1991
Well, it's been 3 days. Saturday around this time, the kids came back. At 9 I had to be at work. I got off at 3:20 am and went to Todd's. He had called me at Denny's and told me he relapsed. We talked a lot and he was at my house until today. I hope he'll make it. I still have a lot of love left in my heart, but I wish I would fall in love with someone who's not an addict. I know now that I never loved all those others. Paul, Doug and Todd are the only ones who I really loved. I had a lot of fun with the others, but I could never be true to them and live with their bad habits. By now, I feel out of love with Paul and Doug, but Todd remains in my heart. Drugs won't give me any heartache anymore though. I am not making his problem my problem anymore. He has to deal with that himself. Maybe one of these days we'll be a team, otherwise Iím sure, sooner or later, someone nice will come along. I do miss him though. Already! It's kind of hard to get over him, cause he's been really good to me and the kids. It was different with Doug. Doug cheated on me and that was against me... hurting me directly. It was easy and fast to get over him. It took me 8 1/2 years to get over Paul. Gosh, Shauna was a witch again when they brought the kids back. But today I found out my legal rights. I do not have to bring the children half way and I do not have to give them to him the whole week of Christmas. I could even deny them to him completely because of the way my divorce decree is written. Regular holiday visitation though would begin at 1 pm on the 25th until the 29th! I will let Jeanine drop the kids off on the 24th on her way home. That has to be good enough for him. I can call the police on Shauna for harassment and next time I will. A restraining order would cost me $200, but if they bring me to court I can do it for free! I hope they do cause I'll win anyway. I will bring up the Restraining order against Shauna, more child support, and them cutting the children's hair. Jeanine, Lorene, Randy, Teola, Todd and my neighbor would go to court on my behalf. I have others too, but they don't know Doug and Shauna that well.

December 18, 1991
I was hired at Glowing Ambers last night. I didn't even have an interview. I think it's full time. And it'll be swing-shift. So now I have to quit Denny's even though I don't really want to. My period is really bad this time. I need to go to the doctor. Something is wrong! I had a strange visit yesterday. Rich from Rosepark 7/11 came. It was really a surprise. He's really a nice guy. Todd came last night. Yesterday I told him that I loved him after a long time. Maybe we will eventually get married after all. I don't think I'll get any help from the Bishop. It's not like Salt Lake City. Oh well, I'll make it on my own somehow. I really feel bad. Oh well, I did what I did and I have to live with it. Now that I have that new job, I will be able to straighten my bills out without the church. It will take a little while, but I'll make it.

December 20, 1991
I wanna sing in a band! I think my voice is good enough to sing in a club! I feel great! I never did quit Denny's. I might be stuck there forever. Glowing Ambers sucks! I'm not going to work there. And I love working at Denny's. I got the kids some clothes today. They needed them! Now I need to get Jenny some more socks! Todd called me today! Tomorrow night he'll be sober again for one week! He's doing good! He said he's going to call me again tonight, cause I wasn't home when he called. I missed my appointment with Heidi. I met Ruby today. I didn't think all those people were still at the Depot. She's leaving in February. She said I've changed a lot. Oh yes I have! For the better! Doug is getting worse and worse. OH well, a couple more months and he'll be gone. I found I really appreciate the kids now, after I worked so much and didn't have time to spent with them. We do a lot of things together now. I will never work that much again. Now I just need to get married to a nice successful guy who loves me and the kids. Maybe it'll be Todd, maybe it'll be someone else. Who knows? Todd ain't successful in nothing though!

December 23, 1991
Doug is a pain in the butt and he's going to pay for the distress he wants to cause. Now I'm not going to be nice anymore at all. He wants to threaten me! Ha, go right ahead! I would love to go to court against him. He's not having the kids and they're actually happy that they DON'T have to go to their Dad's until Wednesday. They wouldn't even care if they wouldn't go at all. That's pretty sad and it kind of shocked me. Oh well, at least they love me! I guess that also shows how he is with the kids! He must treat them pretty bad! I love working at Denny's. I'm going to get a raise. Mr. Davies even put his arm around me and told me that they all appreciate me. I'll probably stay with Denny's until I finish school. I spent the night at Todd's yesterday. He has a really nice apartment. He baby-sat the kids while I was at work. I've met a Greyhound bus-driver Saturday and he knows Sam. He told me he would tell him hi from me. An amazing thing happened just now. Shauna called and talked to me - really nice and friendly. Maybe my dream I had twice in a row about her being my friend will actually come true. They are the only enemy I have. It bothered me the whole time to have to fight with her and let the kids see all that hatred. Maybe she realized that she really didn't give me a chance. It would be really nice if we could stay on at least a friendly basis, if not become friends. This way I'm sure Doug and I would get along as good as we used to after our separation. It would be great for the kids to see us getting along the way we should.

December 29, 1991
Well, well, there is that guy at work that has all the qualifications for the right man, but I know it's not going to work out. He's pretty good looking, is LDS (a returned Missionary), and seems to like me too. At least he made some remarks that make me think so. He asked me to quit smoking. He told me he didn't want to kiss "butts"... However, he's only 23 and I've been divorced, got two kids and can't have anymore. I figure if he'd find all that out, he wouldn't even consider being with me anymore. That's my big problem. The guys I'm interested in wouldn't want me because of that. Doug messed up my whole life by making me get my tubes tied. He had said it'll either be abortion or divorce if I'd get pregnant again and of course I didn't want either. I should've gotten a divorce right then and there.

December 30, 1991
Well, Harvey isn't the nice guy I thought he was. He was pretty rude on the phone and he just hung up on me. I didn't even get a chance to tell him I called to talk to Ely. Todd never showed up, nor did he call. I guess I really am solo again and I will stay that for a while! I'm better off that way!