1990

baby

February 8, 1990
I started the questionnaire for Psy 321 today. I think I'll get a good grade for this test after failing my last one. IN BIO 257 I should do pretty good too. I think I'll get an A for PSY 350 and CS. I don't get enough sleep lately. Work, school, housework and the kids don't leave me any time for sleep. Doug has gotten better to me again lately. I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm so scared to find out that he's cheating on me. But that fear wouldn't keep me from ending our relationship right away. Since 6 years now this is the first time Rita's warning is coming true. I wonder how it would feel to sleep with another guy, (I think of Ed, since he's my best friend) cause I wonder if the reason is NOT me why I don't enjoy sex anymore. Ed has a lot in common with me and I really do love him. If I wouldn't have had him this last little while, I think I would've gone crazy. But I don't feel like having sex with him. I don't feel THAT way towards him. But I wouldn't do that anyway, cause I took a vow when I got married to Doug and I'm NOT going to be the one who will break it first. Maybe I should go to a Psychologist.. Maybe he could help me out, cause I realized a while back that I still have problems at the age of 24. It's not as bad anymore as it was when I was 16, but it's still there. I know a lot of the negative feelings stem from the way my parents brought me up, but I love them anyway. I know I always tried to hate them, but I never succeeded. There is a lot of love in my heart for them. Ed is a case by itself. In a way I would love to lay in his arms and let him kiss me... he is so gentle and doesn't hide his feelings. He doesn't try to hide them, like Doug does. Doug wears a mask. I don't want to lose Doug though. My heart is lost on him. Even when he makes me so sad and mad. When I'm with Ed though, I can show myself the way I really am. With Doug, I have to play theater. He doesn't like the way I am. I would love to really believe in God, cause then I could just lay my life into his hands, but either he doesn't exist, or he's only there for the people who really believe in him. The baptism didn't help my belief. It's funny, cause in spite of all of this, I want to live. I love life. There is so much good here on earth. But I AM scared of getting old. I don't want to get wrinkles and I don't want to get closer to death! I thought a few times that maybe the screaming of my mother saying I was a whore when I was a Teenager, might took the longing for sex. I always wanted to be such a free spirited woman. I haven't talked to Doug in a long time.. I mean really talked. But I don't see why I should always make the first step. Why should I be the one who always says I'm sorry when it wasn't even my fault? Why should I always have to try to pull the words out of his mouth? I'm just so tired of that. Maybe that's why I love to flirt, cause I need to get that self-esteem from somewhere. I don't have a lot of self-esteem about my looks, but I do like my face and my hair. I'm very intelligent and good to people. I live by the law. I don't have any problems meeting people and most everyone who meets me likes me. I hate it when Doug tells me I'm fat.

March 4, 1990
I'm depressed. Everything is in pieces. OK, it seems to get better, but I don't want everything just to be forgotten. It all started out in September. When Doug came back from Texas, where he was with Heidi on TDY, he started being with her a lot. I was getting jealous. He never brought her home. Why? I told him once that Heidi scared me and he said I didn't have to worry about it. He was there, supposley moving furniture. When I stopped by, he was doing nothing, besides hanging pictures up. He hardly ever helps me around the house. He even ate at her place. Monika said she looks like she likes him a lot. I cried a lot. Doug never asked what's wrong. He never noticed anything. Then we went to West Virginia. I thought that this would better everything. At first, while we were there, it did. Sex was better than in a month. He was nicer. When we came back, he started the same thing, only worse. I felt so lonely, but Ed and me started being friends on January 19th, when we went to the Bay for the 2nd time and wrecked. Doug was gone late for the 3rd time. I hated it, but didn't say anything, because I was scared Doug would be mad at me. Scared of the answer too. It got worse and worse. Thought if I would draw back, Doug would notice something is wrong. I didn't wanna be the one to start talking again. I was tired of talking, always trying to keep everything good. I was tired of being the only one trying. Ed told me to talk, but I was stubborn and scared. Than I was too tired to do anything from work. Just felt like running away, taking a break from everything. That's when I first saw Sally (February 14th). She's a bitch. Said openly that she's cheating on her husband. I thought she touched Doug a little too much. Than I heard about Doug being seen with her at work. That she behaved like his wife. I hate her. I hate Jim who made me feel like Doug was really cheating on me, though he knew better. I want to start new, get away from everybody and have Doug work with me. I love him and always will. He's gone again today. Already 3 hours. Why is he putting all the blame on me? Doug be good again. Help me!

March 26, 1990
In all the years of school, I never was popular, not even close. I was the biggest nerd there was, with noone around who liked me. That changed the day I started Sales school! It was the first day of school and I had been scheduled to go to a class that I didn't belong in. I was really worried, because this meant I would be late. I went to several classrooms and asked what kind of class they were having. As I reached the third or fourth classroom, I just walked in after I knocked and asked "Am I in the right place here?" Everyone started laughing and so did I. I didn't really think that the situation was particularly funny, since I hadn't planned saying what I did, but I would've looked pretty stupid if I wouldn't have laughed. It turned out to be the classroom I had to be in and I was frustrated about my "bad" entry. At lunch, a lot of students came up to me to talk and I was surprised to find so many people interested in me. It seemed like everyone liked me. I thought about the way I entered that classroom and decided that everyone had thought that I had tried to be funny. From that day on, I started to be funny. I was making jokes every time I could think of one and everyone continued liking me. This day was a big even in my life. Before I was a nerd no one could stand and just of a sudden I was the most popular girl in the class. It was a turnaround in my life and one of the nicest days in my life.

Manuela
She has dark hair, brown eyes, a slightly tanned skin, stands approximately 5 ft 2 in and weights about 125 lbs. She is a German girl who can be very stubborn at times, but who will do everything she can for a friend. This girl is rather shy, although once you get to know her, she can be very outgoing. She is very empathetic, knows how to cheer people up and tries to help wherever she can. Manuela is a very good sport, doesn't mind being slower than others in some things and takes critic from others rather lightly. Having fun is one of her priorities. Her family means a lot to her, even though she always gets mad if she thinks about the bad things her sisters do. She has three younger sisters whom she loves very much. She never knew who her real father was, just that he was a young man from Greece who left her mother before she was born. Manuela considers her stepfather her Dad. Dancing is one of Manuela's greatest hobbies. This is why she goes to the Western Saloon every weekend. The Western Saloon is a small dance-club in Germany. Despite its name, disco-music is what you hear in this club. A lot of Americans go to this bar and it is always crowded. The music is very loud and the lights are dim. The interior looks like a bar from the old western movies you can see on TV. In the far corner of the club is a jail with lots of small cells, which have tables and chairs in them. There is a lot of graffiti on the tables and walls. Every person who has been in this club wrote his or her name some place. The dance-floor is in the middle of the club. It is slick and rather small. Tom Dooley is one of the drinks you can buy at the bar. Every newcomer to the club has to drink a Tom Dooley. Western Saloon has it's own recipe. It is mainly made out of spices, has only 30 % of alcohol and everyone who drinks it for the first time thinks that the burning sensation in his or her mouth will never stop. The exterior of the club looks more like a restaurant than a club. This club is THE place to go.

March 27, 1990
I felt lonely and unloved for quite a while. Oh, I had friends, if that's what you want to call them. They were always there when I had some money, which I would spend on them, or if they had trouble they wanted to talk about, but whenever I needed someone, everyone was busy, had something else to do. On Christmas Eve, I had this urge to talk to someone, but there was no one I could talk to, I thought. I was bored. The presents had been unpacked weeks ago. That's how my parents have always done it. They could not wait until Christmas. I tried to talk to my parents, but they were busy watching TV. My brother was at some friendsí house, which didn't really matter, cause he wouldn't have listened to me anyhow. I went to all of the people I knew, but everyone was busy unpacking their presents or doing something else where I could not be part of. I thought about killing myself. I was so desperate for a little warmth, for someone who cared about me. I thought that if I'm dead, I would not be lonely anymore and no one would be bothered by me anymore. I had to think about how to do it. I took my bike and rode to the near forest. It was a small forest, but I went there often. There was a tree I always sat on and dreamed about people liking me. This time, I was talking to God. Sitting there beside that old tree, I started to feel warmth creeping up inside of me. It felt so good to just sit there. It seemed almost like that tree was comforting me. At that time I didn't understand why it made me feel so good to sit there and have a quiet conversation with my creator. Later, when I thought about it, I knew that I really did talk to someone that day. That someone out there did like and care for me. I knew that if I felt lonely again, that someone would be there for me again, regardless. I would just have to let him be there. That someone who was there then and always will be there for me...is God!

March 28, 1990
At the age of 13, I thought that noone really cared for me, not even my parents. All my father would do is sit in front of the TV and tell me to shut up, so he could follow the show. All my mother ever did was scream and yell at me, that I was no good and made me stay at home, when I wanted to go somewhere. At that time, I started to write a diary. I wrote in it every day, but I did not just write what happened during the day, I wrote letters. Letters addressed to Jenny, the name I wanted to give to my daughter some day. I would tell her how bad I felt and that I hoped I would never treat her the way my Mom treated me. I begged her in my letters to be my friend, to talk to me when something was bothering her. She was my friend already back then, long before she was born. 8 years later, I gave birth to a baby girl. The moment they told me that it was a girl, I started crying and smiling at the same time. I was so happy, I finally had my daughter. When I held her in my arms for the first time, I looked at her, smiled and said: Oh Jenny, I love you so much!"

I love the summer, the smell of honeysuckle and fresh mowed grass, going fishing at the lake and catching big bass. The wind blowing through my hair when I'm riding my bike, water-skiing and the like. Eating watermelons in my back yard, being outdoors until it gets dark. I love the sun burning on my skin, barbecued chicken with friends, who share, horseback riding with people who care. I love the summer and I love this place, the sun warms my heart and puts a smile on my face.

March 29, 1990
A dream I will never forget: I don't remember what happened the day in order for me to have such a joyful dream. I was approximately 13 years of age at the time and I didn't have a whole lot of friends, nor any reason to belief that I would ever be popular. I guess this dream was built on my wishes to be famous, or at least someone other people would respect and admire. In my dream I was sitting in an audience of school-kids who all watched a soccer game. I was sitting in the audience like I belonged there, first row, with all the popular kids in school. Our team wasn't kicking any points in and all of us were screaming in frustration. We had to get 2 pints in the next 5 minutes in order to win. I just couldn't stand the thought of our team losing and I thought that our players were making stupid mistakes that made us lose the ball. I finally jumped on to the soccer field. Everyone was shouting for me to get back to where I belonged. I did not listen. I just wanted to save our pride. I made a couple of passes and shot the ball in the net. Everyone was cheering now. We had 2 minutes left to get another point. I had to hurry and get the ball back from the opposing team. I ran as fast as I could toward the guy with the ball, blocked him, kicked the ball as hard as I could and to my surprise right into the net, right as the whistle blew. All players came running, picked me up way above their heads and cheered. They partied with me for the rest of the night, telling me how I saved the game and how great I was. I was the most popular girl in school from then on and I loved it. As I walked with the head soccer player, a 16 year old super good looking guy, I woke up.

March 30, 1990
My grandmother was always a lot closer to me than my parents. When I moved to the US, she was really the only one I really missed. Five months after I had left Germany, she passed away. I cried for a long time. I was so devastated. I had lost, or thought I had lost, the only one from my side of the family, who really loved me and cared for me. Two years passed without any major happenings. I still felt sad every time I looked at my grandma's picture, but I was able to bare the pain in my heart. Then, I went into labor with my second child. I wished my grandma would be able to see the girl I was giving birth to. as I went into the last part of labor, I heard a voice talking to me. I was startled, because there was no one in the room at that time. The voice said: "I'm so proud of you Monika. I'm here with you. Don't be scared. I love you!" It came to me later just who was talking to me. It was my grandmotherís voice. She wanted to tell me that she knew I was having another baby and she knew I was sad about her not being able to see it. Now I know that she will always look after me and that she still loves me as much as I love her.

April 2, 1990
It is very common for Teenagers to hitchhike in Germany. My friend Rita and I were always hitchhiking from the small town we lived in to the city 9 miles away. There was a bus every hour, but we didn't have the money to pay to ride with the bus. It never took very long before someone stopped to take us along and we never were scared about what we were doing until this special day. We were once again standing beside the road, thumb in the air, waiting for a car to stop to bring us to the city where we would go dancing. We didn't have to wait long at all. 5 minutes at the most. A middle class car stopped. We told the male-driver who was in his 30's where we wanted to go and got into his car after he had nodded his head in agreement. We had met all sorts of people while we were hitchhiking. People who just stared at the road and wouldn't say a thing, people who would talk your ear off and people who would ask you holes in your stomach. This guy was different. He didn't talk for the first couple of minutes. Then he asked us where we were going and why we weren't taking the bus. Then he asked us if we weren't afraid that someone would harm us, since we were hitchhiking all the time. Then he started to talk about himself. Just of a sudden he reached to the clove-box, asked us what we were going to do if he would get a gun out of the clove-box, opened it and then halted. We stared in and there was a pistol laying in it. With horror, we were trying to slide down in the seat, like it could make us invisible.

April 3, 1990
It was another day in the Western-Saloon, but we knew it would be different as soon as our friends would know that we had gotten engaged earlier during the day. The first thing Bull (named for his size) did, was to buy us a bottle of wine which we had to drink all by ourselves. Others came and joined us, bought mixed drinks, Champaign and beer for us and partied with us. By the time the Club closed we were really tipsy, if not drunk. We wanted to take a Taxi home, but decided to go by McDonalds which was close by. First we were still having fun, giggling, staggering around as we entered the restaurant, explaining to the girl behind the counter what a special day this was. We kept on bumping into each other, when I lost my balance and fell forward into the cash register almost knocking it off the counter. Now the whole restaurant was laughing, including us. Everyone came to congratulate us and smiled. When we got into the Taxi the driver asked if we had a good time. We started laughing and didn't stop until we were home, never answering the drivers question.

April 4, 1990
We had everything planned. Even the day when our boy was supposed to be born. HE as to come on the day of my birthday, just 19 years later. When I went into labor on the 5th, I begged for the child to wait. It was 22 hours too early. The child waited. It was like it was laughing at me saying:"Ok, if you want the pain, I wait!"... 10 hours later the nurse said that I would need some muscle relaxation, because I was still only dilated to 3 cm. After 15 hours I begged for all the pain to be gone, so I could sleep. The pain wasn't that strong, but I wanted to sleep and the pain every couple of minutes kept on waking me from my dozing state. The clock kept on running and nothing changed. Then the clock showed midnight. It was the 6th of October. Time for my child to be born. But I still was dilated only 5 cm. The nurse gave me some glucose so I would wake up. At 3 o'clock the pain got really strong and I wondered if I needed some medication. I wanted to bare this child natural. Finally at 5 o'clock, I was fully dilated. I made it, now I was able to help. At 5:14 my son was born. I had received my birthday present at the right time.

April 5, 1990
At the age of 16, I was an unstoppable dance and disco-freak. I went to Old Daddy's, a club in the city close to where I lived, almost every day. I knew everyone in the club and had no problems finding someone to talk to. All the guys were Americans, most of the girls were Germans. A lot of times I didn't spent any money. There were enough guys eager to pay for my drinks. Most of the time though, I was on the dance-floor dancing. Sometimes I danced with a partner, but mostly I danced by myself. Dancing made me high. I felt like I was on a cloud far away from the daily problems of the world. I didn't need or want drugs to feel that way. All I needed to relax, was music and a dance-floor. If I felt down, I only had to have loud music and I felt good again. Going dancing and listening to music is still an important subject in my life, but I am not going as frequently anymore as I used to go. Sometimes, when I haven't been dancing in a while, I get this urge and if I don't go, I can get miserable. It's a bad situation if you have a husband who doesn't care to dance and two kids who still need to be watched 24 hours a day, but I cannot be completely happy if I don't get to dance every now and then.

April 6, 1990
One night, as a Teenager, I was dreaming about the start of WW 3. It had been announced through the radio while I was running the roads, trying to find someone to kill some time with. I wondered what all the commotion was about, but I didn't ask anyone until I started to be frightened about all this turmoil. The man I asked told me that everyone was trying to get to the train station in time to be driven to some unknown destination where everyone would be safe from the atomic blast that they were expecting all over Europe. I was really scared, so I ran home in order to tell my parents and brother, so we could go to the train station also. When I got home, no one was there. The house was empty, all belongings were gone, all clothes were gone, except for mine. I packed in a hurry, just what I really needed, and ran to the train station where I expected my family to be. The train was just setting in motion as I arrived. I saw my family waving out of the train, my mother calling: "I'm sorry, but I didn't want to die because of you." I tried to jump on the train, but I could not make it. I was standing there, tears running down my cheek, when I woke up with tears in my eyes, a fast heartbeat and a pillow soaked from sweat!

April 9, 1990
At the age of two I made Mom panic when I crawled through the fence to pick up my Dad from the barber without her knowing it. At the age of five, I gave my first kiss to a boy. He was at my house watching TV with me, when I just got up and gave him a kiss. At the age of 10, my dog had to be put to sleep. He was sick and barked all day long. I was angry at my parents for killing him and cried for days about the loss. A the age of 12, my grandfather died. I liked him a lot, but I didn't know him very well, so it didn't hurt so bad. At the age of 15 I became popular after ripping a joke (I didn't know it was one at the time), at my new school. At the age of 15 1/2 I had my first boyfriend. I knew from the beginning that it was only temporary, cause he was at my hometown to work for only 6 months. I didn't really care. I wanted a boyfriend and he liked me. At the age of 17 I had my first American boyfriend whom I got engaged with, but broke up with him when I met my husband. At the age of 18, one day after my birthday, I got married. At the age of 19, on my birthday, I gave birth to my first wanted child - David! I also moved to Kentucky USA, where I loved it, but had to leave again after 9 months. At the age of 21 I gave birth to my beloved daughter Jenny. The child I was waiting for since I was 13. At the age of 23, I moved to Utah, the nicest place I ever been to, but the hardest place to find friends. At the age of 24, I was baptized a LDS member in the hope of finding friends in the church. I also had my first car-accident 2 weeks after the baptism, which put us in a very bad financial situation. I had my first marital crisis. It was a big emotional strain. Plus, it was/is the first time without children for a longer period of time since they were born. I miss them every now and then, but I also enjoy my freedom.

April 10, 1990
Ever since I can remember, we had this big, fat, fluffy dog. A mixture between chow and God knows what. He was a very obedient dog and would not leave our side. I heard stories of him protecting my stroller when I was a baby, watching me like someone would take me away if he wouldn't. As I grew up, we had a lot of fun together. Once, I was riding him like he was a horse. He didn't care, he even seemed to like it. We were jumping through the open fields, trying to catch each other and on occasions, we were playing hide and seek. Sometimes my parents and I took him to the city. There, he would nicely sit at a red light, waiting for it to turn green, jump up and walk across the street. Then we moved and everything changed. Before, the dog had a big yard to play in all day long. Now he had to be taken to the fields on a leash. We were also gone more often, leaving the dog behind. People were telling us that he was whining and barking constantly until we came back. Finally my parents decided that our dog had to leave. They thought, since the dog was sick, had almost lost all of his eyesight anyhow, it would be best to let the doctor put him to sleep. I was devastated. That dog had been my best friend for the past 10 years and now he was supposed to be just gone? I couldn't handle the idea. I kept on crying. Finally the day arrived. The last day for my beloved dog, my best playmate. I wanted to know where he would be buried, but no one told me. It was 3 years later when I stood at his graveside for the first time. I still felt sadness, but I didn't cry. I had cried enough when it first happened and now I knew it had to be. But I will never forgot this wonderful dog who was so patient with me when I was little and such a good friend to me as I grew older.

April 11, 1990
I was coming from choir practice with my friend when we stopped at the bar for a glass of coke. It was, like every Monday evening, very quiet. Only a few Teenagers playing the video machines and some met at the bar. We knew most of the people there, for we always went there for a drink after we sang for 2 hours. As we sat at our usual table, I saw the two boys sitting on a table close by with a bunch of older men we never seen before. One of the boys, a good looking blonde haired guy, was staring over to us. Then he turned around and started talking to one of the older men who started laughing out loud after the boy had finished. My friend and I were talking about the boys when the older man who had laughed before came to us and asked if we would like to join them, for the two boys hadn't had any young company in a while. After a few if and buts, we decided to do them the favor. I was seated next to the good looking blonde guy whose name was Michael. Manuela, my friend, was seated on the opposite side of the table beside Karsten, the other boy. Michael and I started talking and I found out that he was 18, 3 years older than me. By the time we had to leave, I knew I had fallen for him and I was hoping he would ask me to see him again. Before I even finished the thought, I heard him ask if we would be here again the next day. Of course I said yes. So it was called a date. The next night he slowly came closer, took me in his arms for the first time and gave me a kiss goodnight at the end of the date. After that, we saw each other ever day during the week. On weekends he went home to his family, all the way on the other side of Germany. I felt lonely every time he had to leave and was like newborn when I was able to see him again the following Monday. Then it came time for him to leave... to go back home. The gym he had been working on was finished and they had to move on to their next job, hundreds of miles away. We had grown close within the last 6 months. The goodbye was hard. We were both crying, promising to write to each other... I never heard from him again.

April 12, 1990
One day, right after my 17th birthday, in Old Daddys, my usual hangout, I got to meet a friendly girl who was sitting in a corner all by herself. Since I was at the Club by myself also, I went over to her seat and started talking to her. Shortly afterward, a good looking dark haired guy sat down beside her and she introduced us. His name was Paul and he was 22 years old at the time, had a dark tanned skin and looked like a Mexican. A little while later, he asked me to dance. After that, we danced together constantly. Then, after about 2 hours, he shocked me by asking me if I wanted to be his girl. I thought that he was a little fast for me, since I didn't really know him yet and I really didn't want to get involved with a guy at that particular time anyway. I told him no. The next hour past with him sitting in the corner, so sad that he was unable to even put a little smile on his face. Finally I decided that the guy was worth a try and I told him that I would give him a chance. He was all smiles for the rest of the night. We saw each other almost every night from that day on, even though my parents tried hard to keep me away from him. I found ways to see him I would have never imagined before. I told them I'd go baby-sitting and I would go see him. When I was caught, I told them that he was leaving the day after, heading back to the US (which was a lie) so I had to see him one last time. Funny as it was, after they thought he left, they would let me go again and we had an easier time meeting again. One day we went to the city and walked around, as we passed a jeweler. He stopped and asked me which ring I liked best. After I told him, he went into the store and bought it for me. He slipped it on my finger and we were engaged. One month after our engagement, he had to go back to the US. It was still 10 months until my 18th birthday, but we promised each other to be true, write to each other, and marry as soon as we could. I was supposed to fly to his hometown the day after my 18th birthday. We wrote to each other for 6 months when I met my husband. It was hard for me to write Paul the "Dear John" letter, but it was for the best. I still think of Paul every now and again and I hope he found the right girl for him.

April 13, 1990
He was one of the two dates my friend had that day. The guy looked like he jumped right out of the TV set. He was about 6 ft. tall, had short dark hair and looked fantastic. I couldn't believe my friend liked the other date better than him, but I was happy about it. I told her I'd take care of him, not to worry anymore. I slowly walked over to the table he was sitting on. Another friend of mine was sitting on the opposite side of the table. I walked to her and let myself clumsily down in the chair beside her. I gazed in the round and whispered a "hi" only I could hear. Then I told my friend that I was collecting addresses, so I could write when I left for Texas 4 month later, where my future husband was waiting for me. As she wrote her address down, the date of my friend asked me to give him my address. I looked up at him and told him that he would have to give me his too. So we exchanged addresses. Then I left to go to the bathroom. When I returned, they had rearranged their seats on the table. The only free chair was beside the special guy. I was, so to speak, pushed into the seat beside him. We talked a lot and when the DJ played a slow song and everyone got up to dance, he asked me to dance also. When it was time to go home, he offered to take me and I willingly agreed. We seen a lot of each other after that and two weeks after we met, I knew he was the guy I wanted to spent the rest of my life with. I wrote my "future-husband" in Texas a "Dear John" letter and was engaged to my new boyfriend only 60 days after we had met. It took us another 60 days and we got married. (and another 7 years to get divorced).

April 16, 1990
Right now is a time of confusion. My children are at their grandmothers for three month because of our financial situation and I miss them each and every day, even though I enjoy the time I have for myself. My husband and I are in a marital crises and I don't know if we're going to make it. I hope we do, because I love him a lot, but I'm not so sure what he thinks and feels about me and the whole situation. He won't talk to me openly and I can't read his mind. One thing I do know for sure: I won't give myself up in order to hold him because I would lose myself and I like what I am. I also want to finish school, at least my Bachelors, but rather my Ph.D. I don't like being a Mormon. All the hopes I had when I got baptized were shattered when Doug and I started to have problems. I wish I could turn back time. I would've never gotten baptized and I would've talked to Doug a lot earlier. I miss the old him. He used to just lean over and give me a kiss, now I have to ask for one. He used to tell me that he loves me at least once a day, now I'm lucky if I hear those three words once a week. I'm jealous. He won't dance with me unless I drag him onto the floor, but as soon as I am in the bathroom, he gets up and asks other girls to dance. He holds them closer than he holds me. I'm depressed. I love him. I don't want to lose him. I'm scared. I can't stand the thought of being alone - it would be the first time. I think about other guys every now and again, but if I would lose Doug, I wouldn't be able to date them because I'm terrified. I'm scared of all those sexual diseases and I would probably end up being alone for the rest of my life. I don't know if I could love again. I want to love my husband and be with him for the rest of my life!

April 17, 1990
I live in a small town where 90% of the people are Mormons. Everyone is friendly as long as you are interested in their church. They have a hard time liking those who are convinced about belonging to another church. Itís hard to make friends here. There is no one our age. We live in a 3 bedroom brick rambler surrounded by grass in the front and side and weeds in the back. My house is spotless clean most of the time. I usually clean everything up before I leave for the day and again in the evening. The front door doesn't open anymore, cause the lock is broke, so we have to use the back door in order to get in. The back door is in the kitchen, which is huge. It has a dining corner and a place for the washer and dryer. The kitchen-floor needs new linoleum, because it is worn out and looks dirty, even though it is clean. The rest of the house has carpet on the floors. There is a study-room with a studio couch, a stereo and a desk. The kids' bedroom is cramped with a bed, toys and stuffed animals. A beautiful king-size waterbed with canopy takes all the space in the bedroom. A TV, stereo, table, couch, 2 armchairs, a chess-set and a German wall-unit fills the living room. I like the house, but I would like to move to Salt Lake City. It's too quiet here and I don't know anyone who is my age. It gets lonely at times. I miss the life in the city. I always thought that having my own house would be wonderful, but I found out that it's easier to make friends if you live in a complex. We have a sign on the lawn in front of our house that reads: For Sale!

April 18, 1990
I have three very important things in my life: I never want to give up or lose my children, my husband and my life. If it wouldn't be for life, I could not have anything important to begin with, cause I wouldn't be on this planet - I would not live. There are plenty of other things that are important to me, but not as much as those three. my education is very important to me. I would like to be a Ph.D. in Psychology some day and I'm working hard for it. Health is also very important to me, because I would not want to be alive if I would be very seriously ill at all times. It is important to me that my husband is true to me and talks about his feelings. I have to work on this every day and it is hard, but I believe it's worth it. I would like to see my children grow up as healthy children who don't smoke and don't do drugs. Children who look into the future and work on it. Children who are willing to work for a good education and life. Children who love me like I love them. Most important though is life. I have to have the basics to survive. If I have the basics, I will be able to see to it, that my life is happy for the biggest part. Everyone makes their own life either happy, or miserable. I make mine as happy as I can, because without happiness and laughter, life wouldn't be worth living.

April 19, 1990
I love to water-ski in the summer. Jumping in the cool water, fastening the skis on my feet, the ski-vest on, the motor roaring, it can start. I pull myself up and ski back and forth over the waves, trying to jump. Horseback-riding is also a fun activity. Sitting on the horse, being able to direct it wherever you want to go, being one with the horse when you race over the fields is one of the best feelings to built up your self-esteem. Doing aerobics is my newest found hobby. I really love it. Building up a sweat at the gym makes me feel like I gave everything I had. It also builds up my ego and it's good for my health. I also like to walk or ride my bike at sunset. When I find a nice spot, where I can sit down and watch the sunset, I take a break. I love watching the sky. Snow skiing is my winter-activity. I don't like the cold, but skiing is fun. I ski carefully, learning slowly, because I'm scared of breaking a leg. The satisfaction of learning new techniques is far more than skiing down the hill as fast as you can. When it is already too warm to go snow skiing, but still too cold to go water-skiing, I like to ride a four-wheeler. I climb up the mountains, trying to catch a sight of some deer, wild horses or other wild animals. It is exciting to see the animals roaming through the woods. Writing letter is something I have done for a long time. I enjoy writing down my thoughts and asking questions and I love receiving the answers. I hate when my mailbox is empty. My most favorite activity is dancing. I like to dance to all different kind of music. There is no music I cannot dance to. Dancing relaxes me and when I dance to Disco-music, I can release my tension. Dancing is to me what watching TV is to others. It's one of the meanings of life.

April 20, 1990
There are crowded dance-clubs I go to. A whole lot of different people from different economic backgrounds. I can meet people there I couldn't meet anywhere else. People who like to listen to music, like to move to the music and people who just like to party. every now and then I go to the bowling alley. I think it's fun to pretend that the pins are your enemy and you have to try to destroy them with your powerball. I love going to the lake. Water-skiing, fishing and swimming is what I do when I'm at the lake. Sometimes it's nice to watch other people having fun on their jet-skis and boats. At times I go out in the fields, the desert or the mountains, just to be by myself and to be able to enjoy the quiet and watch the sky. During the day, I go to the gym to work out and to school for my education. I like the people there and I meet new people a lot too. A few times I was able to travel to the East coast. It was a long drive, but between lunches and talking with truckers on the CB, I stayed awake and drove and drove. You can see a lot of things while on the road. I've seen sights, I would've never been able to imagine. It was a growing experience every time I went and I can't wait for my next trip.

April 23, 1990
In 15 years, I will have my Ph.D. in Psychology and earn lots of money. Someone will build a nice house for me. A house with two stories. The upstairs will have three bedrooms, with big walk-in closets and a bathroom in each, and a guestroom. The downstairs will have a large kitchen with all modern electrical appliances they'll have on the market by then. It will have a small laundry-room, a dining room and a large living room with fireplace. I will also have a basement with a hobby room and a weight-room. There will be new furniture throughout the house, as well as new clothes. Nothing will be taken from the past, except for records, pictures and books. The outside will have lots of grass and a field with two horses which I trained myself. Right beside our house will be my practice, where I'll be working. I will drive a Chevy Convertible and we'll have a big boat with cabins sitting in the yard. Four-wheelers for the whole family, snowmobiles, a motorcycle, bicycles and jet-skies will sit in a storage building, waiting on us to use it. I will be married to my husband and we'll be happier than ever. My children will be nice kids who don't smoke or drink. The environment will have improved by then and we won't have to worry about toxic waste or not having enough water or oil. We will have plenty of everything. All the countries live in peace and we would not have to worry about any wars in the future either.

April 24, 1990
Ever since I was 12 years old, I wanted to be a singer or a movie star. As I got older my dream took the direction in music more and more. I wanted to make the singing I loved so much to be my business. Standing in front of a lot of people, singing my own songs and hearing the applause of the audience after I was done performing was my biggest wish. I was in the school-choir at the time and I thought I had a pretty good voice. All my friends complimented my playing the guitar and singing my own songs. Wanting to be a movie star was swept off of my mind long before I finished school. The dream of being a singer, having my own band and being famous in the music business remained. Up to this day, I would like to have my own band and be able to sing in front of audience. I don't care about being famous anymore, but I still love to sing. I had the chance of singing on stage a few times and I regret that I didn't take the chance, but I'm not so sure about my voice anymore - not like I used to be -- and I donít want to make a fool of myself. my dream remains though and one day, maybe it will be fulfilled.

April 25, 1990
I would like to be rich. I dream a lot about not having to worry about money. Not having to think twice about buying a dress. Dreaming about traveling with Doug, who wouldn't have to work because we could make every day a Sunday. Every day we could sleep in, wouldn't have to worry about an alarm clock going off, just like on Sundays. We could walk in the mountains, do whatever we please and spent the money on whatever we wanted to spend it on. I wouldn't have to worry about getting an education or looking for a job, no need to worry about getting money. Worry free, just like on Sundays. I wouldn't have to worry about cooking, because the maid would cook for us if we decided to eat at home. We would have almost unlimited freedom - just like on Sundays. It would be so nice to have the money to be able to make every day of the week, of the year, one big celebrating Sunday. Maybe, just maybe, one day my dream will come true. Maybe we'll strike it rich and will be able to choose a Sunday on any day of the week.

April 26, 1990
Wouldn't it be nice if we could talk to everybody in the whole wide world? To be able to understand everyone's language? I imagine that some day it may be like this. We could travel to wherever we wanted to go, without the hassle of getting a passport. No one would fight, no nation would hate another. The whole world would live in peace. No human being would have to be hungry. There would be plenty of food, water and clothing for everyone. All families would have a house of their own. It would be so nice, not having to worry about monthly rent, or money for food. Not to worry about war and money, something that is hard to imagine. There wouldn't be bad people around either. We could let our children play on the streets without being afraid that someone may kidnap them. Women could walk through a lonesome park at night all by themselves and no rapist would come along. You wouldn't have to worry about drugs, cause there wouldn't be any and everyone on earth, all the human beings alive on the whole wide world, would be happy. Day in - day out. One little kid may say "Could you imagine the times before Eden, when people were killing each other and all grown-ups taught us different languages, so we wouldnít understand each other? Wouldn't that be just be just terrible...?"

April 27, 1990
It smelled like roses. The deeper I walked into the forest, the stronger the smell got. It seemed to pull me deeper and deeper. The forest didn't get darker the further I went, but stayed friendly. The trees and bushes seemed to welcome me like parents welcome their long gone child back home. The friendliness warmed my heart. I reached an opening, not very large, but wide enough to let the sun dance on the healthy looking green grass. On the other side, where the trees started again, stood a huge bear. At first I thought I had to be afraid, but this animal seemed almost like a pet. I just knew it wouldn't harm me. I walked to the bear like in slow motion, trying not to scare him away. When I was as close as one foot to the large creature, I extended my arm and touched its fur. It seemed to like it, so I started to pet it. Just of a sudden it looked startled, turned around and ran away. I walked back to the middle of the opening, lay on my back and let the sunlight dance on my face. This forest was so wonderful, so peaceful. I looked at my watch and knew it was time to go home. I didn't really want to, but I had a meeting that evening. I hoped I was able to come back to the quiet untouched place. I now had to leave. I reluctantly moved forward, toward home. As closer I came to the edge of the forest, the colder I got. It seemed like all the warmth I had received when I took my first step into this green wonderland, had to be left behind. Before I reached the edge, I heard the alarm, reached over and turned it off and felt sad that the magical forest had only been a dream.

April 30, 1990
Mom: A woman that is dominating and can't keep her voice down, that is my mother all right. She is five foot, six inches tall, slightly overweight, has brown eyes and grayish brown hair. My mother is hard working, but only keeps clean what is absolutely necessary. Impressing other people is one of her priorities. The people who know her, know that she acts at times and that sometimes, when the real her pokes through, things can get pretty ugly. If things don't go the way she wants them to go, she can get mean, starts yelling and is trying to set new rules. She never shows any affection to anyone. My mother believes that kisses and hugs belong behind closed doors and people who don't keep those rules, set by her, are scum! She is very hard to please and thank you is a word she must have never learned. Everything one does for her is normal, like she takes people for granted. This woman doesn't know how miserable she makes the life of others unless you tell her and then she gets all upset, tries to be better for a while, but falls in the same trot real quick again. I love my mother, but it's hard to forgive her what she has damaged.

May 1, 1990
Doug: At 5'11", he is almost a head taller than me, has dark brown eyes and dark brown hair with a gray hair showing up every now and again. He would like to have longer hair, but his occupation asks for a short cut with the hair not touching the shirt-collar. He is just the right size, not too skinny and not too fat and with muscles in the right places too. He is supposed to wear glasses, but never even as much as carries them with him. He is a quiet guy. Doug is gentle, but has a hard time of showing affection. He is hard working and likes to be safe in his job. This man can be stingy and pouts when he thinks he is not treated nice. Doug likes to drink and parties every now and again. He is great outdoors and loves a lot of sports. He loves to barbecue and cooks on the weekends, if he feels like it. This good-looking man has few friends, doesn't like to be asked for money, doesn't like to write, is late lots of times and almost never calls. He likes to be mothered and watches TV every night. Reading is something he could care less about. This tender but stubborn man is my beloved husband of 6 years.

May 2, 1990
Jeanine: Embracing me in a hug and greeting me with a warm welcoming smiles what she does when she sees me. She is approximately 5'5" tall, is a little chubby, has hazel eyes and reddish hair. This lovely woman lives according to the Mormon church and tries to become perfect in every way and makes everyone feel loved. She is not very organized, but the people who visit her smile before they see her cluttered house. Jeanine is a person others can count on. Someone who is ALWAYS there for people in need. Having fun is something she likes to do, but doesn't have a lot of time for. She cares for her children and husband so they know that she loves them. The first time I met her I thought she was sloppy and I wasn't sure if I should let her baby-sit my children, but as time went by I learned to appreciate her and she is a friend I would never let down. We see each other a lot, trying to get our husbands to become friends. She still baby-sits my children for a little bit of nothing. Jeanine doesn't baby-sit for the money, but for the love she has for every child in the whole wide world. Jeanine is a special woman, who deserves to never be disappointed by anyone.

May 3, 1990
Ralf: Being my pen-pal for the past two years, and writing close to 10 pages in every letter, I got to know him pretty well. He is about 6' tall, has blonde short hair, blue eyes and a good body. Ralf is 22 years old. Writing about everything that is going on, we don't keep a lot of secrets from each other. I consider him a very close friend whom I can count on when I need someone. He seems very sensible to others' needs and he is not what others would call a macho-man. Ralf would like to have a steady girlfriend, but seems to be unable to find the right girl. He seems to be a little shy and insecure, but if you know the guy by his letters like I do, you would know that he's a great guy. I'm looking forward to meeting him in September for the first time and I believe that we will get along great. Just like two old friends who meet again and not for the first time. I will get to know him in person and I just know that I won't be disappointed. I believe he likes to have a good time, knows how to party and make people laugh. He likes the mountains and climbing them too. Ralf enjoys music and loves the outdoors as much as we do. I hope he won't be disappointed in us.

May 4, 1990,
Tim: Approximately 6' tall, dark blonde hair, blue eyes and a good looking body, that's how I remember him. He came into my life on the weekend of my birthday in October of 1986. It was to me like an old friend returned when I greeted him. It felt like I Knew him for the longest time, even though I never met him before. He seemed to feel the same way though, cause we were friends in an instant. Something was in the air when we were with each other. Tim is 4 years older than I am. We had a fun time together every time we seen each other. Somehow we couldn't keep from smiling when we looked into each otherís eyes. It was almost magic how we got along. We talked to each other about serious things too, and we kept the magic going until he had to leave. I never received a letter from him, maybe because he knew that my husband would be jealous again, but in my memory he will always be there. Maybe one day our ways will cross again. I know in my mind our friendship will never die. So far, I haven't met anyone, male of female, who comes even close to the friendship we shared - even though he was a male.

May 7, 1990
I'm from Germany and I had sex-education in school when I was 10 years old. All children in Germany know what to do to prevent pregnancy at an early age. The pregnancy rate of Teenagers is much lower in Germany than it is in the USA. I believe that the high percentage of Teenage pregnancies comes from the little knowledge of birth control. In America, children do not have sex-education in schools like in Germany and parents don't believe that their children are old enough to need to know, even if they are already 16 years old. American children get their sex-education mainly from other children who do not know a whole lot about it either. I find sex-education in schools necessary and I believe that all the fear parents have about allowing their children to be sexually intimate if they talk about birth control, is nonsense. German psychologists have proof that children who know everything there is to know about sex, are sexually active at a much later age than children who have to find out by themselves rather than from their parents or from schools. It is sad to see so many parents in the believe that their children are "too nice" to be sexually active and then wake up when their child is expecting a baby.

May 8, 1990
Many times I wondered which side I am on when it comes to abortion. If I'm for the unborn child, or the expecting parents. I came to the conclusion that I am on both sides. Women who were raped and get pregnant should be able to get an abortion, if they wish, free of charge. If a Teenager gets pregnant and cannot take an adoption release emotionally, she should be able to get an abortion also. A poor woman should be able to have her tubes tied free of charge after the second child. All other women should not be allowed to get an abortion unless it is a medical necessity, meaning if the pregnancy would risk the life of the expectant mother. I feel that every child has a right to life and life starts at conception (in my eyes). No woman has the right to murder her unborn child. However, if an unborn child would be born unwanted and not given up for adoption, it would be worse for the child then to never be born. Unloved, abused children have a rough life and there are already too many of them living now. I believe that these children will get a second chance to be born to someone more worthy and more willing to take care for them and love them the way they should be loved.

May 9, 1990
The worst thing that ever happened to humans was the invention of nuclear and biological warfare. All nations went berserk over this worthless, life-threatening invention. Billions of Dollars are spent on things that will destroy the whole earth..not just once, but many times. The government says we have to give our good tax money for this to protect ourselves. Protect ourselves from being alive after a nuclear war is more like it. We have to depend on a very few people who may go crazy and push the red button. The button for the end of all existence. I don't want to die because of one crazy guy who gets too nervous to wait. I want to live without the threat those weapons bring. They are not just outrageously dangerous, they are also unforgivable ridiculous. We should vote for a president who not only insures us safety in taking one or two missiles away, to build three more, but for one who takes all nuclear, atomic and chemical weapons out of this country. I rather be red than dead.

May 10, 1990
here is a woman who does lots of things a man should do and I don't complain about it. However, I believe that some women go crazy over this issue. They want all good things but don't want to take responsibility. Take the Army... women join the Army, even the infantry, go through the expensive training in case of war, but in case of a war, women are not aloud to fight. Why the training then? Women want to be auto-mechanics with equal pay to their male counter-parts, but half of the time, they need a male to carry their things. I wanna be an old fashioned woman. I don't want to go to a job that is too hard for me. I rather stay home, watch the children and clean the house. I don't want to have to do a male job around the house, but I do it, because I was raised with equal rights to the male population thanks to some older women who started the women movement. I'm tired of being strong. I wanna be a female. A woman who gets treated as one and lives as one. I wanna be romantic, but how can I, if I put nails through a fence?

May 11, 1990
Religion is one of the most fought wars on earth. The Russian government fights totally against it, says that it makes their people dumb if they get into contact with any kind of religion. Catholics don't like to marry another religion, because their beliefs are the only right one and most other religions feel the same way. I believe that God loves us all. It probably makes him very sad that we fight about this issue so much. I found that most churches teach their own belief. Very few teach from the bible. God wants us to know his word and not the word of some Pastor or Bishop. There will be people who are going to be sorry for their lies that they teach to others. I want to be worthy, but it's hard to know what that means without the right teachings. I want to overcome the battle with evil. I hope that one day I will know which religion teaches the truth.

May 14, 1990
As a Teenager I always tried to please others. I wanted them to like me so I tried to make them enjoy my company by thinking exactly what they thought, forgetting about myself. I didn't get very far with this method. No one liked me anyhow. I felt desperate, but I didn't know how to change to make friends. This all changed when I gave up trying. I was tired of trying to win approval from others and I started being the way that I wanted to be. I felt happier just by letting go of the wish to be like others. I smiled more often and felt free for the first time in my life. The funny thing about this was, that just of a sudden I made friends and they enjoyed my personality. They liked the way I was. I smiled even more and kept right on doing what I pleased. Today, it's easy for me to make friends. I'm still self-conscious at times, but I don't keep this to myself. I tell people how I feel and they like me in return. Iím not the closed up sad person I was, but I'm a woman who enjoys life, knows how to take critic without bursting into tears and laughing at those who call me names for being overweight, because I don't need them. There are enough people out there who like me just the way I am.

May 15, 1990
I always thought I was dumb. I felt bad about it and that made me clumsy on top of everything. I just couldn't do anything right. Somehow I got over the fear of failing. If I fail, so what. A lot of things got easier since then. I am a B average in school, which is not bad and I'm not that clumsy anymore. I don't try too hard to get good grades and I'm worried about bad grades momentarily, but somehow I always make it. I have little understanding about things that do not interest me, but I'm very good at things that do catch my attention. I still fall down when it comes to analyzing individuals, but I always get up on my feet and try again. There is nothing in this world I won't be able to master, if I really want to do it. It may be a struggle, but I'm not a failure until I quit trying. I got to be an optimist, someone who makes the best of everything. I hope I will be able to stay this way, because the way I live now makes life easier and more joyful. No one likes a grouch. I feel sorry for the ones who are too tired to get up on their feet again after they fell, because they miss out on the major point of life. They can't be happy. I'm cheerful!

May 16, 1990
A person who is steadily striving for success, who thinks somehow she can make it in life, and who knows that her dreams need a whole lot of effort - that's me! I'm striving for a wealthy life, not necessarily easy, but with enough money to secure my families future. That's why I went back to school. In approximately 10 years, I will be able to work in a field that is fun to work in and I will make enough money to support the family. School is also fun, but it costs money and at times frustrates me. Some classes take so much time to study, that I just can't get a good grade, because I have my family to look after and I can't study all day and let them do without me. Sometimes I get tired of school, but when I dream about our future, I know that I better stick to it, so I make it some day. I also find a lot of friends in school and thatís another thing to strife for - to know a lot of people who like me and who are there for me if I need them because I'm there for them if they need me. That's one reason I like school, because of all the people I meet. I also like to receive good grades to prove to myself that I'm a pretty smart gal and that I can make it if I just try hard enough. I always liked school, but college is my choice. My choice to start success.

May 17, 1990
I loved my parents when I was little and their yelling at each other scared me. I hated it to see them hurt each other the way they did. This love developed into hatred to both when I got older. They started to yell at me and put silly restrictions on my life. I hated them for bringing me up the way they did and I called them responsible for all the friends I didn't have. I knew they didn't love me either and that just put fire to my hatred for them. the first time a flicker of love came back into my heart for them was in my 18th year of life. we were at the airport and I was getting ready to leave them alone and I was happy about it. I had my dear husband and didn't need my parents anymore. My mother cried when I left. That left me wondering and later I decided that she loved me anyhow. When I finally found out why my parents where to me the way they were, my heart filled with love for them. I was able to understand their fear. I still haven't forgiven them for my terrible youth, but I love them anyhow. They've done me wrong in not trusting me more, but I understand and I know that they've done what they've done because they love me.

May 18, 1990
A nice loving relationship is all I wanted. Some guy who would love me for the rest of his life, wouldn't have eyes for other women and really cared about me, that was my dream. When I got married I though that this was it. And it was great for 6 years. We never fought , never doubted each otherís love. Then something went wrong. Neither of us talked about it for three long months. Heartache, fear of losing the one I loved for so long nagged on me daily, but I was too scared to talk about it. Then gossip started and I had to open my mouth. I had to talk to him, and I did. The first fight of our marriage. Desperately looking for an answer that could heal our hurt feelings. The fighting helped somewhat. The hurt is not all the way gone yet, but the hatred disappeared. I can love him again, trust him for the most part. It's still not good, but we're working on it. Sometimes it still hurts badly, when I have to wait again and don't know what to say. I wish he knew how much I love him and how lonely I am when he doesnít kiss me, doesn't tell me that he loves me. How much it hurts to see him dance closer to another woman than to me. I want to be number one for him, as he is for me, but I'm still scared to make demands on him. I don't want to lose him. I know I could have plenty others, but I want him because he is the only one I love. I miss him.

May 21, 1990
Every now and again I get the urge to go dancing. If I don't give in to this urge, I end up getting restless and frustrated. To release the tension, I have to go to a dance club, listen to the deafening music and dance until I'm ready to drop. The dancing makes me feel carefree, it lets me release all the aggression I have inside and it makes me feel good about myself. When I first go onto the dance floor, I feel a little awkward until I get into the rhythm. As soon as I find the right beat, I start to relax, close my eyes and just give myself to the rhythm. As longer I dance, as more relaxed I get. I can feel the tension go, and I feel like in a trance. I almost feel like I'm on a cloud. Once I started dancing, I will not quit until I can feel myself getting out of breath. Then I quit for a few minutes, just long enough to get my heartbeat down and then I start all over again. By the time I go home, I'm so calm, it lasts for days. It influences my whole life, cause I can do things much better when I'm relaxed.

May 22, 1990
Sometimes I wonder if it's really true what I tell my son about ghosts. I always tell him that there is no such thing. Every now and again though, I can feel the presence of someone or something, but there is nothing there. Sometimes I'm even scared. I know that something is in my house, watching me, but I can't find no one when I go looking. For some people that may be something to laugh about, but I believe that at times like those, a bad spirit is in my house. I also think that my son can really see that dork man he tells me about. I don't think that it's just a dream of his. I know that bad spirits cannot hurt me and that's what I will tell my son from now on. I will tell him to pray the next time he will have such and experience and to ask God to take the spirit away. Why should I tell my son that there are no ghosts if I'm not sure about it myself? I don't want to lie to him.

May 23, 1990
I have lots of questions and as soon as one is answered, I find at least one more to ask. It seems like I never know enough to stop asking. Sometimes it takes me years to answer a question, sometimes only minutes, but there are some questions I will probably never be able to answer. At least not in this lifetime. There we get to one of the major questions I won't get an answer for Is there another life? Or will I be buried in the dirt, eaten up by worms and never return? An awful thing to think of. Another question concerns my children: Will I be able to teach them right, so they'll turn out good? Or will they end up destroying their lives by using drugs? Will they love me? Or will they talk about me like I talk about my mother? An awful thing to think of. Someday I will have the answer to this question. How long will I live? Will I be wealthy in my older years? Will I still be married to Doug? Will he still love me? Will earth still exist by the year 2000? Will we have a war? There are millions of questions and I wish I would know only half of the answers. I would worry a lot less if I'd know. How about school? Will I get my Ph.D.? Will I be able to help Teenagers if I do make it? Oh , why do these questions never end? I would like to be free from questions. Questions that doubt my existence in the future as much as that of my loved ones. Questions that make me wonder if I can be happy and stay happy. Questions which answers could destroy my life. God, let me have the answers. I guess I have to pray now.

May 24, 1990
Thin hair, a big nose, a bottom lip that is too full, pimples, crooked fingers and feet, and an overweight body is what I have to live with. I always wanted to be beautiful, what is beauty? Everything that I am not. Really? Well, that's the way society sees it and that's what I thought until a few years ago. Now I know that I am beautiful. My hair is a pretty color or blonde and, with some work, looks full and healthy. My eyes are big and have beautifully long lashes. My lips look tempting and my nose is not that big after all. My pimples go unnoticed with a little make-up over them. Crooked fingers are not looked at and crooked feet are in shoes. Being overweight is still a problem, but not one that rules my life. The most beauty is within myself. I'm a happy outgoing person that loves to laugh and make other people happy. I have lots of empathy and love to help others. People love me for my listening ears, for my openness in discussions and for my honesty. it doesn't matter how I look or how fat I am. What matters is the true beauty. I know what I want. I want to be beautiful -- and -- I am!

May 25, 1990
I started my own business a month ago. It was thrilling to see upline explain my cooperation to me and it seemed great. I knew it would work. I was so sure when I seen the circles. It just had to work. The Boggus Cooperation -- a great name for my own great business. Everything sounded too good to be true, but it had to work, cause I wanted it too. I wanted to be rich by the time Doug got out of the Army and I had lots of dreams to fulfill. I was going to buy a new Camaro Z28 in red with T-Top by October. Well, a month past. I still know that it could work, if people wouldn't be so stubborn, listen to me, and join. My dreams still exist and I hope that someone will take the time and listen to me. Really listen and then look at the circles. If they'd have just a little mathematical skills they would see it works. Right now though, it's only me who knows and I'm frustrated and depressed. I can almost see my red Camaro Z 28 with T-Top vanish. Slipping right out of my fingers. But I won't let anyone steal my dreams. I'll find someone, sometime that will have dreams to fulfill. Someone that still believes in a future. Someone who will make this business work for me an for that someone. Yes! It is going to work!

May 29, 1990
My dream is over. At least the dream with Doug. He doesn't love me anymore. At least not like he used to. It all started in September of last year. Our love cooled off. He hardly ever tells me that he loves me and only when I said it first. It hurts! I don't know what to do. I'm scared of getting a divorce. I still love him. I think he's cheating on me. I'm not 100 % sure, but his whole demeanor shows it. I know I wouldn't ever cheat on him, but I wanted to. Even though Ed is Bi, I let him kiss me. He actually gave me a French kiss. He's not what I would consider very good looking (even though he looks like Tom Cruise) and when I think about it, I don't know what got in to me, but I'm so starved for affection. I kissed Shane W. too, even though I regret it now, especially since Cleo is now my friend, but it still felt good. I met John T. at the DV8. He's from California. I gave him a goodbye kiss. He was nice to me. I want love! I wish Doug would turn around and love me again. I wish I could feel lost in his arms again. And feel loved. I think a lot how it would be to be with someone else. Someone who loves me. Shane M. is someone like that. He's Mormon and I wonder if he would like me if I was single. I want to be happy again. I want to be loved again! Please God help me! No matter what is in store for me, just let me be happy again. I love Doug!

July 20, 1990
Lots has happened since my last entry. I'm on my way to independence. Doug is not living with us anymore. The first time I threw him out. Than he came back because the kids were coming home and as soon as his parents were gone, he spent the third night in one month at someone elseís house. After that I told him that we need to be separated. The house looks different. I'm different! I still love Doug and it still hurts, but Heidi, my Psychologist, helps me a lot. I made lots of friends since he's gone. He's pretty reasonable about the whole situation. I just hope he stays that way. I don't want to fight with him for the kids' sake, but I will if I have to. It's going to be rough for a while, but it's better than spending the rest of my life with someone who just doesn't care. I hoped. My hope is not very strong anymore. I don't believe in a miracle anymore. Heidi made me see that I still care a lot for Paul, but that I shouldn't put no hope in that part. It's been too long. She made me see that I let go of a man that would've been the way I dreamed of. Caring, romantic, responsible, adult. Well, I will find a new love someday, somewhere. A love I can count on, a love that is good - not only for the moment. A love that is equal in every way. Heidi showed me that our marriage wasn't heaven before all of this - something I hadn't realized before. It's going to be hard to mend this love, if not impossible - so I'm not waiting anymore, but I'm going on with my life. I won't let Doug hurt me again - never!! If we should get back together, it will cost him lots of work. I'm doubtful. Very doubtful! I guess I'm ready to move on with my love. Someday the hurt will be gone and I will love again. Better than ever before!! If I should ever remarry, I would like to be sealed in the temple - together forever - for eternity. I have a lot to work on, but I'm on my way.

July 23, 1990
I feel terrible - don't know what's better anymore. Everyone tells me I should get a divorce. I don't know. I cried for so long - but love him so much. Doug said he can't trust me anymore. I don't deserve this. I want him back in my arms - for good. I miss him so much. Sometimes, when I'm strong, it's all ok! I'm not lonely , have lots of friends now. Doug doesn't approve of them, but they make me feel better. They are all very sweet, but Doug doesn't like them. Maybe he thinks I'm cheating on him with one of them. Well, I could never have on of them for a boyfriend. They have values I disapprove of. They do drugs and mess around. I'm not like that. I prayed today. I've been praying more often lately and I wanna be a worthy member of the LDS church. I built a testimony in the last few month, it's not very strong yet, but I want to make it stronger. I know that I will have to work a lot to reach my goal, but I know I can reach it. I already gave up the alcohol. I will not drink anymore, no matter what and I will go to church as much as possible. I'm a child of God and I know he will take care of me. His ways are strange. I hope he will answer my prayers of finding a good job. I need that no matter what else the future holds. Doug thinks that I'm not trying to get a job. It's been so hard. I think I've applied at a million places - even at the scummiest jobs - as a worker in a cleaner and in factories. I would hate to work there, but it would only be until I find a better job. No matter what, soon I will stand on my own two feet, and I won't deny my testimony any longer and I will be worthy to be a child of God. I have a nervous rash in my face that itches really bad and a pounding headache from crying. I will lay everything in Gods hands now, let him take over, Iím exhausted and depressed to have all the burden on me. I just know that I will try my best in every way and I know I will love Doug for the rest of my life, no matter what happens.

July 29, 1990
Much changed since last Monday. After he talked to me on Monday and Tuesday he spent the night. I fell in love all over again. Then he didn't call me on Wednesday when he had promised and Thursday he didn't either. I talked to Heidi and had my mind set to find him and make him come to a decision. Well, I couldn't find him, but Friday he called telling me he was going South. I know he took his girlfriend (he told me he had one) and that it is over between us. I know that I would not take him back anymore after him being with that slut! I made up my mind to go out. I ended up at the Main Event, sitting with a girl who was by herself also. I asked a guy to dance (after two asked me) who kept on dancing at his seat. We danced and stayed together. His name is James Hoffman (Jim), he is 22 years old (born February 24), has blonde hair, blue eyes, about my size and has a cute smile. He went home with me and hopefully will come back in a few hours. I would very much like to be his girlfriend. He's been in the Navy for 4 years, is really close to his mother and even called her to let her know that he wouldn't come home. He also loves to dance and listen to music. That's already 3 points for him. He also gets along great with the kids. That's 4 points. 1 point against him is that he doesn't like the water as much as I do. He's originally from Montana, but now lives in Murray.

August 6, 1990
Well, there's been a lot of changes again. I'm finally over Doug and have no more hard feelings about it. I'm angry at Jim though. He's not the nice guy that I thought he was. He said he lost my phone number and at first I believed him, but not anymore when I saw him Friday. He was really cold toward me, even before I got drunk. But that didn't change during the whole night. On Saturday, he was there again. Before he came, I had met Kevin. He's really good (super) looking and skinny, has wonderful blue eyes, is tall and skinny, is 32 years old and has a 13 year old son. He's been divorced for the past 1 1/2 years. What was strange is that he didn't want to go to eat breakfast with us and he didn't want to give me his phone number. I wonder if he's just careful and good, or if he's still married, or has a girlfriend. If he doesn't have a wife or girlfriend, I hope I see him again. I really had a great time. There is another thing: I made friends with Heidi Lumpkins. She's really nice. Her neighbor Jon (who is really good looking but pretty messed up) might move in the room I have for rent.

September 12, 1990
After I threw my husband out of the house, I felt lonely. I wanted for him to come back home really badly. I'm over that now. I don't need him anymore and I know that the kids and I are better off without him. I had a dream last night. A dream about a guy whom I fell in love with just by seeing him. He didn't look that good, but I felt like he belonged to me. I think that one day, I will feel like this in reality. I will meet the guy who belongs to us. The guy who will stay with us.. forever. Somewhere, sometime, I will meet him and for right now, he is somewhere waiting for the day we will meet. I believe in destiny. I believe that I am meant to be with one special person and when I meet the guy I'm made for, and who is made for me, we will know.

I was married for 6 years when the trouble began. He was cheating on me. I sensed it...felt it in every bone. He had changed drastically. It took me 6 months before I finally hit the ceiling and talked to him. Now, 6 months later, I'm living by myself. The divorce will be final on November 12, 1990. He says he misses me. There are times when I miss him too. Well, not him in particular, just someone to be with, to talk to. On other days, I'm perfectly happy with just myself. I'm more secure and a lot more independent than I ever was in my whole life. I learned a lot out of this break-up and I know what I want. I don't settle for anything less anymore. I will find a guy who's on the same wavelength as I am. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday. I'm happy most of the time and what's most important, I'm me. I'm not trying to please anyone else but me anymore. I never will do this again. I've found myself in the process of divorce and I wont' lose myself ever again. The divorce is a step in the right direction, even if it is hard at times.

My imaginary husband: Maybe his name is Lorence (last name), cause that used to be my imaginary daughters last name, but maybe it isn't. I think he will be blonde, but I'm not too sure about his looks or origin nor religion. I would like to marry in the temple one day, but who knows. I know he will love my children, is hard-working and doesn't drink very much. he may be a non-smoker. he will walk on my side instead of crossing in front. He will never mistreat or cheat on me. He will treat me like a lady and be very romantic. He may be younger than I am. He will share the housework with me and we will go places together, not separate. He will like to dance. He will like music, animals and water. He will be the one man who will make me happy and who will care for me. I'm waiting for him, even if it takes forever.

September 28, 1990
There's been a lot of changes again since the last time I wrote. I'm in love, not to get over the pain, not to be with just someone, but real love. I've loved him for the longest time already, but never had a chance to meet him. I told Doug only a few weeks ago that he would be the man I would like to be with, if he only would be an American. I'm talking about Ralf. He's been here for two weeks now and Friday, the 21st of September everything started. He's my boyfriend.. my best friend! We have so much fun together. The kids love him too! They even called him Daddy before we decided to be together. We're going to be engaged on my birthday. He is going back to Germany on October 11th and will be back in my arms in January. Oh how I miss him already. I never experienced a love like this. We fit so good together, have so much in common. I feel so good with him and I'm able to talk to him about everything. I have the man I've been looking for the past 25 years and he is mine. I know we'll be together for eternity. It's just a perfect love, a perfect match. I love him!