February 9, 1988
Today I feel great. Ever since I started doing my daily workout (Aerobics or running), losing weight and doing something for my looks, I feel like a different person. Before I should've bee ashamed of myself. I didn't care how I looked unless I went out. I didn't care about my health either. My change started when I read Jane Fonda's workout book. I wanna look like this too when I'm that old. I started a few weeks ago and I do more and more for myself. I started to love myself again. There are still days when I'm just too lazy to do anything at all, but like I said, I'm doing more and more each day. I already know now - one day I will get to my smoking and then I'll quit. I'm still pretty far away from that, but the day will come. I quit chewing my nails. This time for good. I learned more about make up and I brush my teeth twice a day instead of once and I floss, which I never done unless I had a dentist appointment. I wish I would've started this as a Teenager. I could look so great. Well, I got started now and I will keep up with it. I hope my kids will live a healthy happy life and never start taking drugs or start smoking. It's so bad for them. I know it by now, but once you started it's soooo hard to give it up. Education is another thing. I can't wait until I go to college. I hope the kids will too. I love my kids so much. I hope we will be friends forever, even when they get to be "stubborn" Teenagers. I hope we'll work out a way to be good to each other. I want them to love me and not dislike me, like I disliked my parents. I don't want them to lie to me. I will try to understand anything that comes up. I hope they will have faith in me. I love them both!
March 15, 1988
I bought this diary, cause I wanted to have a place where I could write stuff down that I didn't want to show my kids as fast as the other stuff. Maybe I will wait until I'm dead, who knows. I don't want them to think that I didn't love their Daddy, or that I was a bad wife to him. I love Doug and I will do anything for him. But I do love to flirt and when he's not around I will flirt. One time, when I was in Bayreuth, I even kissed a boy, but I will write more about that. I don't ever want to lose Doug. I think I would go under if I did. I would never sleep with another guy, cause I love Doug way too much for that. I couldn't do that, even if Aids wasn't around. And that wouldn't be me either. I will write everything in this book that I don't want anyone to know quite yet. When I'm dead, or later in my life, people can find out and think about how I was now. They can decide then if I was a good or bad wife and if I had a good or bad character. Sometimes I'm not so sure myself.
March 16, 1988
Today I want to talk about Paul. Paul is my ex-boyfriend. I was going to marry him in October 1983, but I ended up meeting Doug. Paul left for Texas in February 1983 and I was supposed to follow him as soon as I turned 18. When I met Doug in June, I almost had all the money together that I needed to fly to Paul. I even already wrote my parents a letter goodbye, cause I wouldn't have left on good terms. They didn't know anything about it, cause they didn't like it when I dated Paul and wouldn't let me see him. June 7th I wrote Paul that I had met Doug and that I couldn't marry him anymore. Right after I got married to Doug, I received a letter from him that said I hurt him a lot. I felt so guilty. I think that's the main reason I started to write him. For every birthday (November 23rd) and Christmas I would send a card. I wrote him a card for Christmas 1987, like always. I never waited for an answer, cause it never came. But this time, there was an answer. I wrote back to him right away too. I feel bad about writing that letter, cause half of it wasn't true. I think I was confused and tried to tell him that I still loved him. I don't even know him anymore. But here is what I wrote to him:
Thanks a lot for your letter. Yes, you did light up my day. You can't imagine how happy I was when I picked up your letter. I still can't believe you actually wrote to me. I already gave up hope. I almost cried when I read your letter. I don't know if you think that I'm going to show your letter to Doug. Well, I won't. Two years ago I probably would have, but not anymore. He always told me he wouldn't mind, but I realized that he just said that. I guess he was pretty jealous of you in the beginning. Sometimes he still is. I just have to show my picture-album to people and tell them who you are. He gets that sad look in his eyes. I guess he knows that I never forgot you. Yes, I still care for you. I guess I always will. Paul, there is so much I would like to tell you. So many things nobody knows about. Neither Doug, nor Rita, but I can't. Not yet anyway. This is my third letter to you in two days and I'm not planning on throwing this one away too. It's hard to write to you - write the right things. There is so much going on in my head. Yes, I thought about how it would have been with the two of us. Sometimes I think I just care too much for you. It's been so long and I know it's not fair to Doug, but I can't help it. I know I shouldn't write this to you either, but I just have to tell someone. I can't tell anyone else. Rita thinks I just keep on writing to you to make myself feel better. Well, I don't know. Maybe I'm just a dumb, selfish person. I'm still pretty close to Rita, even though she knows far less from what she thinks she knows about me. I don't call her my best friend anymore. Too much happened, but I still like her and we still go out together. Usually I go to Wiesbaden when Doug goes to the field. Since he doesn't like to go out and dance, that is my time to go out with Rita. I didn't go to "Old Daddy's" in years now. They fight too much. I usually go to the Western Saloon. Wiesbaden itself didn't change at all. The people who go to the clubs did a lot though. It seems to me, that the girls are just going to the clubs to pick up a GI and not the other way around. They dress like - I don't know how to describe it, but they don't wear many clothes at all. Do you remember Tina? She is missing. Nobody knows where she is. There are rumors that she is living with a GI, but nobody knows for sure. She got pregnant about 4 years ago. She never had a Baby. She hit herself in her belly until she lost it. She almost killed herself doing so. She was in the hospital for 6 weeks. Chris Burkhardt, the guy who was in the same Company as you, is back in Germany. He is stationed in Friedberg. He called Rita a few times. He wanted to marry her, but Rita doesn't like him anymore at all. I saw him in the Western once. He was drunk and very unhappy. This is about all I know about the "old" people we knew. I don't know if I wrote you about Nathan and Tracey. They had a divorce a few years ago, but they are living together again. They moved to California. My brother is going to get married in August. What is a journeyman? I think the Army isn't all that bad. At least you get your medical bills paid for and after 20 years you get a nice check for doing nothing at all. We get along with the money. We can't buy heaven, but who can? The only thing I'm scared of are orders to Korea. I wouldn't like to be alone for a whole year. I'm planning on going to college as soon as the kids go to school. I want to do something with languages and people. I'm trying to learn Spanish right now. It's going to be a lot harder than English, since I don't have any Spanish speaking friends. I'm trying to find a Spanish pen pal. At least I can learn how to write. I think Spanish isn't that hard to speak once you know the words. I guess I can speak pretty good English by now. If I don't talk a whole lot, people actually think I'm from the States. Some GI's actually asked me if I'm in the Army. I have to laugh every time this happens. That would be the last thing I would do - join the Army. We'll leave Baumholder in November this year. I can't wait. I miss the States. I like to water-ski again. I didnít miss Germany that much while I was in Kentucky. I missed my grandma and the Western. My grandma died while I was in the States, so this time I won't miss much at all. I guess I wouldn't miss German clubs either, if Doug would dance with me or if people wouldn't think I'm stupid if I would dance by myself or with another girl. I like the country, but I wouldn't want to make a home in the country. I need life, but I wouldn't want to live straight in the city either. Not in an American City anyway. I like the way Doug's aunt lives. She lives about 10 miles away from downtown Nashville. It's nice there. It's not the country and not one house after the other either. They got a bit yard and a pretty good size of a house. I would never live in an apartment building again. You just don't have any freedom. Well, we live in one now, but that's because we have to. I will never live in one again once he gets out of the Army. We are planning on having our own house by then. We don't know where yet, but I would like to live close to a Base, so we can still go to the Army hospital and the Commissary. Doug would like to live in West Virginia, but I don't really want to spend the rest of my life there. I know I wrote a lot of stupid things to you. It would've been even more if I would've sent all the letters I wrote to you, but more than half of them landed in the trash. I know it wouldn't be a great idea to meet you again. There are lots of reasons, it's just one of my dreams. I don't really know what I would do if I would see you again. I think it would be harder on me, than it would be for you. Well, I would like to hear from you again and I hope you didn't decide not to write me anymore. I'll send you a picture of me in the next letter. I would like to have a picture of you. I gained a lot of weight while I was pregnant. I weighed 205 lbs after the delivery. I'm down to 164 lbs now. I'm planning to loose another 34 lbs before we go back to the States. Right now I'm about as big as I was when I got married. One more thing I want you to know: I kept all the things you ever gave me except the letters. I threw the mail away (just like everyone elses) when we moved to Kentucky. I still got your T-shirt and your Valentines card. I lost your ring about 2 or 3 months ago and your tape broke about a year ago. All that is another reason that I was so happy to hear form you. Write back soon.
Ok, now I'm going to write about my thoughts to this letter. Yes, I was glad and happy when I got Paul's letter, cause now I know he's forgiven me. I am really scared that I will lose Doug. That's one reason I won't show him the letter. I don't want to cause strive cause of Paul. I don't think Doug is really jealous of Paul, but maybe he's scared that I will leave him like that one day? He doesn't have to though. I love him too much. No, I never forgot Paul, but I haven't forgotten my other 2 boyfriends either. I will never forget either of them. Yes, I have thought about how it would've been with him. I don't know if we would still be together nowadays. I do have an endless guilt that I want to lose. If he was just to marry, I could close this chapter as well, just like I closed Willy's and Michael's. I wish Doug would like to dance with me, then I wouldn't start thinking stupid thoughts. I only threw away 2 letters I wrote to Paul, not a whole bunch of them. I was mad at Doug when I wrote them. Yes, it would be hard for me to see him if he was by himself. It would be good to see him with a girlfriend or a wife. I did give the shirt away in the flea market and the tape got taped over on accident. I guess I just didn't want to hurt him anymore. Ok, now I'm going to write about Gene. I met him in Kentucky when Doug was in PLDC and Renee came to visit. I told Doug about him, but not that he spend the night in our house. Only Renee and I know that one. It was really nice to see that someone had interest in me, cause Doug only tells me how fat I am, or that my face looks like my ass. I didn't like how Gene looked. He was really ugly, but he showed me that I'm not as bad as I thought I was. I would've never done anything with him, even if I was single. Doug however was really jealous and thought I had done something with Gene, even though Renee was there. Ok, so now that story is done with as well. Now let's move to Joe. I met him at the Western when Doug was in the field. It was the same with him, I didn't do anything, but wrote him a letter in which I offered him friendship and called him once. He lived in Baumholder as well. He had danced with me and fell for me. When I told him I was married (which I do with everyone I meet), he almost cried. He was cute and I felt bad for him. That was another one of those "feeling good" kinda things that I don't get from Doug. When I left the bar, I gave him a picture of me with my phone number on it. Then I ended up calling him and told him he should throw the picture away. It was a mistake to give him the picture, but I didn't realize it until it was too late. Then there was this guy who I didn't even like in the beginning, but who flirted with me really bad. Doug was in the field and I slept at Regina's house after we went to the Metropol. In the middle of the night, Manuela came home with a bunch of people. Kornelia was there too with her boyfriend and he sat down next to me and started talking to me about David instead of talking to Kornelia. The next day, Manuela and I went to the Hideout where this guy just showed up. It felt good to flirt. We ended up talking about Kornelia and he ended up confessed that he was married and that he really didn't want anything to do with Kornelia anymore. His friend seemed to really like me too. I kept getting hugs which I actually didn't like that much and I felt somewhat uncomfortable, but still it made me feel good at the same time. The married guy ended up bringing me to my car. Then he kept begging to bring me home and when I was pretty upset about that, he kept trying to talk me into giving him a kiss, which I refused too. When he finally talked me into a kiss on the cheek, he tried to turn my face around, so he could kiss me on the mouth, but I thought he was going to do that, so he didn't succeed. He finally left. I can remember the name now too: Shannon. Ok, now that's over with. Now to the one I could still give myself a kick in the ass for. It was when I visited Linda in Bayreuth. I already went to her house with the thought "Just wait and see, I'm pretty enough to find a guy who likes me, just like you can". Linda has a bunch of boyfriends despite husband who she cheats on him with. According to her she quit doing it. Anyway, we went into the disco and Linda had a bunch of people say hello to her. Later that evening I met a guy whose name I can't remember. He had smiled at me already for a while with his Mexican friend. He wasn't really good looking or anything. I would say he was average. Well, when I told Linda that he wasn't too bad looking, Linda went and told Kevin (one of her friends) he should get those guys to our table, which he did. Well, we danced and he held my hand. He brought me to the car, I was cold and he put his arm around me to "keep me warm". Then he gave me a kiss and I let it happen. I told him that I didn't want a real kiss, cause I would feel like I was cheating. A peck on the mouth was ok, but not more. I drove home, promised to write, which I did.. I'm sorry but I don't want anything to do with you letter. I felt bad for weeks. Then, at New Years 87/88, when Doug, Andrea, and Rita kissed each other like I kissed that guy, I didn't feel bad anymore. Well, that was it about those guys. It happens all the time though that I find guys that I try to flirt with. I remember Hoodbilly and Jack.. I will talk about them later. Then I will talk about Tim M. in whom I actually had a crush on and then Glenn F. But I will talk about them later.
March 21, 1988
I want to write about Tim today. I saw him for the first time on my birthday in 1986. Nobody I invited came to my party. Doug ended up getting Tim and Huarah (?) from the company. I immediately got along great with Tim. He was born on May 22, 1961 and is a Gemini. Nowadays I think that Gemini and Libra are just great together, cause Dougs new Friend J.F. and I are getting along great as well and he is a Gemini too. Anyway, we had a party that lasted the whole weekend and when Tim left on Sunday evening, I already had a big time crush on him and his personality. He was just so different than Doug was. He was happy, outgoing, always had something funny to say and his personality was so young, almost boyish. I wasn't bored the whole time he was there. We had a pillow fight and what I thought was really cool is when I ended up hurting him, he just laughed it off. Doug would've hurt me back, even though it was an accident, and we wouldn't have played anymore. He would've been pissed. When we played cards, Tim and I were playing footsie under the table. Doug ended up being jealous. He didn't really have a good reason, cause I would've never done anything with Tim in the first place, but he was a great friend and I miss him. The time back then was so much fun. It was way too short, cause he left 3 months after we met. I wrote him a couple of times, but he never wrote back. I would've been really happy if I would've heard from him. Ok, now about Glenn F. He's an idiot. I must've been stupid, to ever like him. I thought his personality was cool, but I think I bumped my head somewhere. He's so arrogant. Now let's get to Smily (Hoodbilly). I met him on Fashing. He was really cute. I ended up stepping on his feet when I was dancing and he just smiled. He's so cute. Buck's friend, has two children and is divorced and Doug was really jealous of him. He didnít' want to show it, but when I was dancing with him, he was just standing there watching me with this sour face. I had a lot of fun with this guy, but I only danced with him, cause he came up to me and asked. He's really ugly though. Doug didn't need to be jealous of him 100 %. Now about Jack! I met him on the weekend when Manuela and I went to the Western by ourselves. He came the last 20 minutes before I had to leave and just started to dance and talk with me. He was really good looking. Since I had to leave so early, I only know that he's stationed in Mainz Wackernheim. I ended up making a date with him, but I'm almost certain that I will stand him up, cause I won't be making it to the Western on April 15th. Oh well, maybe I will meet him again someday. I saw another cute guy at the Metropol yesterday. If it wasn't for J.F., I think he would've ended up dancing with me, cause every time I danced, he came right next to me and danced too. Ok, then there was this guard guy. He looked cute too. When I got close to the guardpost, he jumped in front of the road..then he ended up telling me "Excuse me Mam, it's been a long day.".. funny. Ok, now about Doug.. I wish he could be a little more tender without wanting sex right away every time he touches me. I miss just laying there with him in his arms and him just holding me and kissing me. He only does that now if he will get sex right after. We don't talk a whole lot anymore either. He always wants to watch TV. When we're in bed and he wants to have sex, I HAVE to, if I want to or not. When I go down on him, he won't let me stop when I want to stop, or when my mouth hurts, but he pushes me down. I think I'm starting to lose the interest in sex, cause he doesn't know how to be gentle and loving anymore. I wish he would tell me that he thinks I'm beautiful and that he loves me and give me a card for my birthday, or invite me to dinner. It's always me who does that. The same with money! It's always HIS money and he says I spend it on junk. I can't wait till I get MY money. He hurts my feelings so much and he doesn't care. He never says nice things anymore. He tells me I'm fat and my face looks like an ass. It hurts. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore. I only know that I still do... in spite of it all, I still love him. He doesn't do a lot with David and Jenny either. He has no interest in his children. Oh well, I guess I will continue to try to do everything for him. The flirting with strangers let me survive.. and of course having my kids. Sometimes Doug can be really nice. Maybe he'll change when I get skinnier. I hope he'll change, cause I love him and I don't know what I would do if I'd lost him.
March 28, 1988
I went to the Metropol with J.F. on Saturday while Doug was home watching the kids. It was fun. I saw this cute guy in the beginning who kept dancing in a group. Later his girlfriend must've shown up. I met Doris and Silke. When Doris danced with a cute guy, I went over there and danced next to her and we joked around a lot. Later when Doris left, the guy just started dancing with me. His name is Bob and he's Doris' step-brother. He was fun and cute. He's 21, has blonde hair and is in the Infantry. Nicole asked me to list 10 guys I like, here goes:
1. Jack (Western)
2. Bob (Metropol)
3. Smily (Western)
4. New Blondie (Metropol)
5. James Britton (Becky Day's boyfriend)
6. Tommy (Do 708th)
7. Wickom (D co. 708th)
8. Bruce (neighbor)
9. J.F. (Doug's friend)
10. Kirk Cameron (Menudo)
Ok, that's about it. Nicole's Blondie and Glenn are long gone. I can change my list every day, cause I'm not looking for a lover since I have Doug.
April 3, 1988
We went to the Metropol today and Doug told me the sweetest thing he ever could have "You look good, you really do!". I don't think he ever told me that. I was sooo happy about it too! He also told me that he thinks I dance good. Finally he likes the way I look! I have wished just that for so long now. I just wish he would tell me more often. Well, maybe this was only the start? I still have to lose 20 lbs. But it doesn't seem so much anymore since I already lost 40 lbs.
April 10, 1988
It was a wonderful day yesterday. I don't think I had a better day since my wedding day. It started with Harkey's party. Since it was raining we all went to our house. The whole 229 team. In the evening we all went to the NCO club. I didn't get to sit down. I had to dance with everyone. I've even danced two-step which has been a long time. It reminded me of the time with Bull, my Western-Saloon Daddy. Even Doug learned the two-step. He couldn't get the Disco-Fox though. We danced slow-dances and disco as well. Doug was super. SGT Lawson and SGT Stoughton (both about 40), even danced Disco. We got home at 2:00 am. Doug and I talked until 5:00 am. I cried I was so happy. It's worth losing weight. He told me I looked sexy and that he loves everything about me. Then he said that he hopes that if I would ever leave him and wouldn't want to be with him anymore, that I would always love him and would never forget him, cause no matter how much I would hurt him, he could never quit loving me. He also said he would never be able to find anyone better than me. I would never leave him. I love him too much. And the way it looks, I won't have to get any statements from others anymore that I look good. He loves me and he thinks I look good. It's almost too good to be true. He said he doesn't want to tell me those kind of things too often, cause otherwise he feels they get old, but since I got into the 150's he tells me a lot that he likes my looks. I think more that he just didn't think I looked good before. I still don't think I'm very beautiful though. Soon I lost all the weight I want to lose though. I love Doug more than anything. Love was invented just for you and me!
April 11, 1988
It's been really nice weather for about a week now. David was outside the whole day. He was playing with Joschua, Tiffiny and Billy. He is allowed to go outside by himself. He's going to the German Kindergarten too. He liked it from day one. He weighs 36.5 lbs now and wears a size 5 (104 in German). He loves Jenny. He never goes to bed before 9:00 pm. I cut his hair on April 2nd. David wanted to have a haircut. Doug told me he loved David but he doesn't want to show it, cause he doesn't want to spoil him.
April 16, 1988
I went to the Western with Rita yesterday. I don't really care for her anymore. I don't think Jack was there. But it didn't really matter to me anyhow. I felt so good. I was a little lonely though. I miss Doug. I think I have a good verse here: "The longer we're together, the closer we grow!". I did check out some guys, but I kept thinking of Doug. I danced the whole night and had to keep remembering how Doug said how he likes my dancing and that I look good. I love Doug more than ever. I hope he stays the way he is right now. He talks more with me too and tells me he loves me the way I am as well. It feels so good to hear that. I wish he was already back. He's going to call me soon. I can't wait to hear his voice.
May 24, 1988
David weighs 37 lbs and is 102 cm tall. He's starting to show interest in the alphabet. He can draw faces pretty good by now and he makes his own sandwiches.
June 20, 1988
David wears a size 5 now and a shoe size 26/27. He loves Alf at the moment. He spent the weekend at Oma's and Opa's house. It's kinda nice when I only have to worry about one child for a while, but I do miss him a lot when he's gone anyway. Jenny takes a lot more work then he does anyhow. If they would take Jenny for a change, I would have even less work. David is already so self-sufficient. I'm so proud of him and I love him.
July 18, 1988
Doug is going to the field tomorrow. I feel sad. He's been working on the race-car and I've been writing letters all the time. We didn't have much time together. I'm happy when we leave here. Hopefully Doug will never have to leave home again. Again and again I see how lucky I was to meet Doug. Even though we got our little problems too every now and then, I don't think we'll ever get a divorce. I just read the letter to Paul again and I can't believe what I wrote. Well, I'm not going to waste my time anymore, cause I don't see why I should still feel guilty about it. It's been long enough for him to find a new love. I always get unhappy when I think about it, so I best cut it out of my mind. I lost one of my keys to the diary. First I thought maybe Doug took it, but then I remembered that my keychain broke once. I guess I wouldn't really mind if Doug would really read all this, but I'm scared he would be mad. Well, I think he should forget about Betty Sue also. She scares me. I love Doug more than anything and I don't wanna lose him. Well, I'm writing in English now to make sure the kids can read it one day. Well, I don't know what to do while Doug is in the field. The only one I have now in Wiesbaden is Manuela. I can't wait till Doug is back. I miss him already.
August 3, 1988
It was nice in Wiesbaden, but it's nice to be back home too. I want to write about what happened Friday, cause it really upped my self-esteem. The evening really didn't start out all that good. Anja and Jack were fighting and Anja only has known him for a week and talked about marriage. Of course that would scare Jack. Jack will stay my buddy though. I hope he'll write. When I was dancing though, this good looking guy came up to me and wanted to dance with me, which we ended up doing. Later I lost him out of sight. At 12:30 am, I saw him at the cigarette machine and went to him to talk to him. His name is Looren and he's from Fernando Valley, California. He's born on September 13, 1968, had dark hair and is small. We talked really well and I talked about being married and having kids and stuff. He didn't want to believe me about the kids. He thought I was 18 or 19 and he looked me over and said "You look too good to have kids." He was talking about Australia and Utah. Utah has to be pretty from what he was saying. He's been in Germany for the past 3 weeks now. He wants to get out of the Army as soon as he can, cause he's already homesick. He misses California and the ocean. Later we danced again. For some reason I told him "I don't regret to be married!" and he said "You shouldn't regret it, but I do." Later he found out that all of his friends had left and he0 didn't have a ride home, so I brought him to Finthen. I would like to see him again. He's nice. Doug would probably like him too. I met some other people besides Looren too: Steve (he's 30 and getting a divorce)
Bob (a big guy)
Jack (Anja's ex-boyfriend)
Brian (he's 18 and Jack's friend)
Sam (he's 19 and another one of Jack's friends).
I like them all with the exception of Bob who was too much of a leach. Jack and Looren are the best. Bob and Steve are from the Lee barracks, the rest are from Finthen Airfield.
August 30, 1988
David can ride a bicycle without training-wheels. Super! He's the youngest around who rides without training-wheels.