1982

February 14, 1982
I wished Michael to hell so many times already since he left...I haven't heard from him in so long. Despite that..I still love him. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind. The other day, I went to the Kutscherecke with Thomas, Nicole, and Gerold. We were playing the "Teenlaw", meaning, when someone hits someone, s/he has to kiss her/him. Sometime that night, I drank brotherhood with Gerold and he ended up French-kissing me and me, stupid cow, let him. But in that moment, my mind was more on Michael, not Gerold. Now Gerold is telling everybody. That's mean. After getting bummed out in regards to boys so many times, I guess I should just live my own life again, unless something weird happens. Someday, I will show everybody. Someday I will get enough guts together and end up being somebody big. That's for sure. I just have to ask myself what's so good about this life. My life won't make any sense until I'm married and have two kids whom I can give a good life to. Without hate, guilt, or low self-esteem. Without being money hungry, without sadness. But will this really happen? I will work on it, but my hope is not very strong. What does life mean? To me, these last 16 years meant nothing.

February 21, 1982
I was wrong. Gerold didn't tell anybody, but Thomas told Bernhard. Gerold shot a flower for me at the fair Saturday. I like Gerold. He's nice. Today, he drove with us when Thomas drove Nici and me home.

February 26, 1982
Gerold has a girlfriend. I guess he was just playing with me. Oh well. I didn't really want to have another boyfriend, but Stephan asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I said yes. But I'm not certain if I just like him as a friend (like Stefan Trebus), or if it's more. I just don't know. He's not really the type of guy you fall in love at first sight. He's pretty nice though. We're going to see each other tomorrow.

March, 3, 1982
I broke up with Stephan, but it's already been a week. I don't care though. While I was with Stephan, I kept talking to Gerald (Holland) over the CB. When I started to talk about my "OM"(boyfriend) he said he thought I was single. I told him how I felt about Stephan and asked Gerald if he was going to wait for me to break up with Stephan and he said yes. when I did break up with him on Friday, I told Gerald everything and was happy that he was listening. I noticed by now that I like Gerald a lot more then Stephan. Gerald has never had a girlfriend before, he's not so controlling and he's really sweet.

March 23, 1982
Golly, in January, February and March, I already had 3 boyfriends. Gerald is 1.80 m tall, has brown eyes and is very shy. He just got is drivers license today. I know he likes me, even though he's really shy. I'm his first girlfriend.

March 25, 1982
I feel so lonely today. Gerald went to a colleague of his. Somehow I have a feeling like he isn't even really interested in me. He doesn't seem to care much about doing anything with me. Before I do anything though, I have to know for sure. But when will I know? I really like him a lot and I think I don't want to give up, but how is this going to continue? I get more closeness from Gerold, Jupiter and Thomas then from my boyfriend. I can't continue that. Every time I see Gerald, I would like to give him a great big hug, but I can't do that, cause I'm too shy when I'm around him. It's because he's so shy around me. But I don't want to go around hugging other boys when I'm going out with him either...that's not right. Gerold wants to go out with me, but I want Gerald to stay with me. If it wasn't for Gerald, I would go out with Gerold in a heartbeat. He's really nice and gentle and from what I've heard he doesn't cheat. For some reason, I can't write pretty today. My stuttering was almost gone, but it's a little worse again today. I would like to be Geralds real girlfriend. Let him find his way to me.

March 26, 1982
I'm lonely again. Everybody is gone, except for Gerold and he has no way of getting out here. Gerald left with his car again. Now I wish he didn't pass his drivers test, cause I know I would've heard from him by now if that was the case. I would like to see him again before I have to leave for the work class. I really miss him. I haven't seen him since Wednesday and even then it was just a little while. Maybe he's going to be on the CB today. I would really like that. I took him into my heart and now I can't let him go anymore. I don't want to lose him, but I'm wondering if this wish will really come true. I'm in an emotional crisis. I've been crying all evening. I hate love!

March 28, 1982
I'm leaving today for the seminar. Thomas doesn't go out with Nicole anymore. He's going out with Andrea. SHIT! I don't know how Nicole will react when she finds out.

May 22, 1982
Boy it's been a long time that I wrote. But now I'm writing with a lot of news.
1. I'm not in the Wiesbadener clique. When I tried to make my own, I failed. But, now I'm in the Hahner CB-clique. I'm with them almost every day.
2. The wish that Gerald would stay with me did not come true.
3. I don't get along with Nicole as good anymore. She's my second best friend now. My best friend is Andrea S. I really like her a lot. She is going out with Rudi K. (Comet) and doesn't have much time for me, but that didn't change anything about our friendship.
4. I now have an idol: Rita Hayworth.
5. I thought I fell for Mario (Nevada), but I know now that that's not the case. I know now that this whole time I only loved one boy: Michael!
6. I really want to lose weight. I can't stand myself the way I am.
7. I'm starting to go horseback-riding again.
8. I think Bongo likes me, it's only too bad that it's only one sided, cause I don't like him.
9. I'm still a child. I do want to grow up now. Nicole is more of a child than I am and even though Andrea (Jeany) told me she has had so much experience, to me she's still a child. I hope she's not mad at me for feeling that.
10. My cousin from the US (Nathan) is now in Germany. I went to a disco with him two weeks ago. I'm going to take him horseback-riding in two weeks. He's really nice and I like talking to him, especially since I'm learning English that way.
11. I will try to move to the US in a few years.
12. I already picked the names for my children: Jenny and Michael.
13. I would like to move to the US with Andrea. I would like to keep her for my best friend forever. I need her. She's my first "real" friend since I moved to Taunusstein. I'm sure she can't imagine how happy I am to have her. The only bad thing is that I wanted to look good in the beginning and I told her a lie. Someday when I have enough guts, I will have to tell her the truth. I can't say best of friends, if I lied to her. I only lied once, but it's a big one, that's for sure. I hope she won't leave when I tell her the truth. I will tell the lie in 15.
14. I long for a boyfriend for life. One who understands me, who can trust me with everything and I trust him with everything. A boy who is about 18 to 22 years old and looks decent. I like blonde hair and blue eyes, slim and tall.
15. I told Andrea that my parents and I had a bar in Wiesbaden. I told her that I met Joerg there and that he was an alcoholic, but that he quit for me and dated me for a while. I told her that he then shot up heroin and died. I think I told her that, so I would be equal with her experience. I hope she will forgive me for my lie. I need her and I don't want to lie to her anymore.

May 31, 1982
Andrea wasn't mad at me. It was her birthday yesterday and I gave her a huge bouquet of lilacs. She liked them. Bongo (Gregor) introduced me to Willi today. He's 19 years old, drives a Duff and goes to his last year of Highschool. He's really nice and he's good looking too. He has medium blonde hair, blue-gray eyes and is 1.75 m tall and slim. We went to the pool and it was hilarious. Bongo and Willi kept pushing me under water. I was done for. We will meet at the pool again Wednesday at 4 pm. A classmate of mine (Michael) died today as he was test-driving a motorcycle in nothing but shorts.

June 2, 1982
went to the pool again today. Willi was there too. He gave me his cigarette-machine. We will see each other at the pool again tomorrow at 6 pm. He invited me to go with him the Oberbrechner Forest fest Friday, but I can't go, cause I already had made plans with Andrea. Since Andrea needs my help, I can't go with Willi. He's born October 15, 1962 which makes him a Libra too. I like him. He's been in Judo for 11 years, plays guitar and plays the horn. He likes playing chess.

June 3, 1982
Willi came to Toom Market today and saw me at the counter. We talked for a little while. At 5 pm I went to the pool. I told Willi that I'm not able to go to the fest tomorrow. But I'm crossing my fingers that the weather is holding up for him. Willi is going to buy a gun next year. I like his Duff, but nothing is better than a Monta. His Duff is red. He just got it 4 weeks ago and it's 10 years old. Tomorrow, Willi is going to play his horn and he has to wear a suit. Bongo was mad today, cause Willi and I were teasing him. Willi is going to move to Orlen in September. His parents are buying a condo. He went to the CB-meet with me. I went to Andrea's afterward. I had to talk to someone about all of this and since Andrea is my best friend... Then I went to Nicole's house, but I didn't tell Nicole anything. Not even that I fell in love with Willi and not that I can't wait till Sunday when I'll see him again at the pool. He's so sweet. I feel like when I was with Michael. Now I wish I wouldn't have tattooed the M in my arm. In three weeks I'm going to the Big Apple with Willi. It's in Wiesbaden. And one day I'll go to the range with him too.

June 4, 1982
I miss Willi.

June 5, 1982
I went to the pool again today. Willi didn't get there until 3 pm. I called him, but he was shopping. I took Willi's towel away from him. I might give it back to him tomorrow at 2 pm. But now I know that I'm in love with him. Oh, my moped got stolen.

June 6, 1982
Willi didn't come to the pool today. But he came to my house after I got home. I was just getting ready to leave again when he came by. He stayed all evening. I love him. He said that if I flunked my test at work or got a bad grade, he would kick my ass. So I studied again, just for him. I didn't have that planed, but I'm sure I'm going to get at least a C or better. I don't want to disappoint Willi either. He's going to pick me up from Tengelmann in Klarenthal tomorrow. Nicole said she has a crush on Willi, but he's mine. If she's trying to be his girlfriend, I will be really upset with her. It would be the first time that I would be really upset with someone in a situation like this. I need Willi. I love him more than anything else in the world. If he was to leave me now, I wouldn't have anything to believe in anymore. I love him. He borrowed me his tape.

June 7, 1982
I got an A in verbal and a B in the written exam. Cool! Willi invited me for a glass of wine and Mr. Trebus invited me to a glass of Cherry liquor. And Mama bought me a skirt, blouse and clogs that I wanted to buy today. Cool!

June 8, 1982
We had High life at work today. I bought a round and everyone congratulated me. I miss Willi!

June 9, 1982
I went to the Wehner Market with my class today. I was supposed to meet Willi at the pool at 3 pm today. Who didn't show? Willi! I miss him.

Evening
I went back to the pool and just as I got there, Willi was ready to leave. I think he was upset, cause I didn't wait for him, but it was pretty late when I left. He had to buy a case of beer for his parents, drove a boy home and then we drove to the Wehner Market. We had some fun riding scooters. Then we went to the forest and searched for animal prints. We went all the way to the stand, but we didn't see any animals. Then we went to Willi's Oma. She's really nice and has a comfortable apartment. Willi is going to come to the pool at 2:30pm tomorrow. He told me today that Nicole already called his house twice. What a back-stabbing bitch! She tells me she doesn't want to try to get Willi away from me, but on the other hand, there she is calling him. But Willi doesnít want anything to do with her. I'm happy about that. It felt kinda weird today when Willi told me I was supposed to stay in his car for a minute cause he was going to tell me something and then he said he didn't remember what he was going to say.

June 10, 1982
It almost seemed like my luck had ran out, but I'm happy to say that it didn't. Willi came to the pool a hour too late again. He's always late. I really like Willi, but one thing I can't stand is that he thinks everything is funny. It's fun to goof around with him, but I'm not so sure what to do when I really want/need to talk to him seriously. By the way, he's going to private school. We went to Bongo's house for coffee and afterward we went to the fest-place. Then we went to the ice-cream cafe with all the CBers. Bongo's Mom is really nice. I will see Willy again Saturday. Oh yeah, I think Willi likes to avoid any type of problems by laughing everything off. But I do love him.

June 12, 1982

Today, everything happened at once. First: I had organized a party for Andrea's birthday and my passed exam, but that didn't work out as planned. 1. It rained like there was no tomorrow. 2. Only three people showed up. However, those three were enough. We taught Bongo how to French kiss. Now Nicole says she thinks Bongo is icky. And Willi kinda disappointed me today. He HAD to go home at 10 pm even though we were DXe'en (CB stuff) and all the CBers were there. I was allowed to stay out till 11 pm. I'm upset with Willi. And besides, he scares me when he keeps telling me he's a pimp. I know he goofs around a lot, but stuff like this is nothing to goof around with. I couldn't be with him if he did stuff like that. I met enough guys who are bad. I hope Willi will not disappoint me in the long run. I hope he will stay with me, cause I really do love him.

June 13, 1982
It's hard to put my feelings into words, but I have a feeling that I'm not really "in" love with Willi. I think I have aged a little bit. I like being alone. I think I might not like for him to kiss me again. I don't think I love him after all.

Later:
Well, what I wrote this morning might be wrong after all. I wrote it because Bongo told me that Willi already has a girlfriend. But Willi sat at my room today...all depressed, so I'm not so sure anymore. I would've loved to take him in my arms, but I stayed strong. I needed to show him that I'm not going to give in if he's going to be two-timing me. I really really like Willi a lot, but if it's true what Bongo told me, then I don't want to be with him. It shocked me and made me feel colder. I want to know the truth. I can't believe that what Bongo told me is the truth. What made me wonder is that Willi kinda avoided my question. When I asked him yesterday if he already had a girlfriend he said: "Please don't ask me so direct." I mean, what in the world am I supposed to think?

June 15, 1982
I went to the forest with Willi today. I had a long talk with him. He DID have a girlfriend two weeks ago. He said he's coming with me to Phantasia land on June 20th. I can't wait. I do believe that he likes me. We're going to the forest on Thursday and on Saturday.

June 16, 1982
I went to Orlen's Romentower with Willi today. Then he showed me the apartment they're going to move to. We went in the Romentower and talked. He wanted to hypnotize me, but it didn't work. We got interrupted three times. At the end we kissed. I really like Willi a lot.

June 17, 1982
As of today, I know that Willi really likes me. We went to Camel to the forest. Up to the Golden Pulpit, everything was normal. We saw a little fawn on the way. Then, inside the Golden Pulpit..a very nice place, everything just really started between Willi and I. We really started kissing. I felt his love as he kissed me. We talked about a trip to the US and about marriage without relatives. We want to be together in three years from now. It would be nice if we could stay together forever. I do love him. As of today, I won't wear the ring for Michael anymore. I know I love Willi more than I ever thought of loving Michael. If he was to come to town and tried to be with me I would show him the cold shoulder, cause life without Willi isn't nice anymore. I noticed my horoscope didn't lie today: "You constantly find new games to play in love. A relationship is harmonic." He showed me a place today where a fox had died. I love the woods. Camel(the town) is all forest. Mama is prejudice against Willi, but I will fight for him, no matter what happens. Love makes strong, and I'm full of love for Willi.

June 18, 1982
Willi picked me up from work again today. We went to my house for a little while and then we went and picked up Nicole. I love Willi! He read my diary today. He's the first boy whom I can trust with my feelings and whom I trust enough to tell everything. I miss him.

June 19, 1982
Willi came to my house at 3 pm today. Well, in all actuality, we met at Schillerstreet and went to Nicole's house. Nici went to the pool and Willi and I went to his parents. They invited me to dinner. At first I thought they were pretty vain, but toward the end, I started liking them and thought they were ok. Willi and I want to get engaged on his birthday, October 15th. Tomorrow, Willi, his grandma, her friend, Nicole, my Oma and I are going to the Phantasialand. Nicole and I slept at my Oma's house. I couldn't go to sleep cause I kept thinking about Willi.

June 20, 1982
I woke up at 3:30 am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I thought of Willi as soon as I opened my eyes. I wish I could have Willi with me day and night. It's so much more then love! There is no word to describe this. Everybody else got up at 5:30 am. At 6:45 am Oma, Nicole, Willi, Ella, Oma J. and I met at the Loreleiring. It was a wonderful day. We drove off at 7:10 am and were at Phantasialand at 9:30 am. During the bus-drive, Willi and I kept holding hands, winked at each other and were blowing kisses back and forth. Nicole bugged us big time. At the end, we dropped her off at Oma's, told her we would be right back and stayed gone. We saw everything besides the Dolphin-Show and the Winter Garden. We left there at 5 pm. It was almost like on the trip there in regards to Willi and me, but Willi and I sat there hand in hand, almost sleeping, and at the end head on head. Willi got the car when we got to Wiesbaden, we drove Nicole home, drove into the forest to refresh our love with hot kisses which we missed tremendously. Then we went back to Nicole for a little bit. She cried and said she didn't have anyone anymore. I don't want to have her feel she's all alone. I do want to stay her friend. Oh well. At home I told Mama all about Saturday and today, even that we might want to drive to Paris on my birthday. She doesn't have anything against Willi anymore and she allowed me to go. She did say however that I should get the pill before I would sleep with Willi. I actually like my Mom right now. She's super at the moment. I noticed too though that I have grown up a little since I've met Willi.

June 21, 1982
Willi came to my house today. He originally wanted to leave here at 9:30 10:00 pm, but we didn't really look at the watch and it was 10:30 pm by the time he left. He gave me two hickeys, but you can hardly see them. I gave him a couple too, but they're already purple. I don't think my skin works for hickeys. It takes longer. It's the first time I ever gave anyone a hickey. We're going to go to Paris with my parents after the vacation. Maybe even overnight. We might go to Berlin on my birthday. I love Willi!

June 22, 1982
I had a vacation day today. Willi came to my house again. He had to work late. I walked with him to the Aarstreet at 12:30 am. I went to the pool with Nicole this afternoon and this evening I went to Bongo's Mom's house. She invited me to her birthday. Bongo wasn't there. It was interesting. I'm so in love with Willi. I feel like I haven't seen him for 10 years. I hope I will see him tomorrow. I love him more than my life and I love my life a lot!

June 23, 1982
Willi came to Toom Market this morning. He's starting to work here June 28th from 6 to 7:30 pm. I love him. I miss him so much!

June 24, 1982
Willi came again today. I went to the pool this evening. On the way home I cried cause I really really miss being alone with Willi and to hold him and be close. I love him!

June 25, 1982
Willi came to Toom Market again this morning. I went to the Candy (Disco) for a little while this evening. Afterward Nicole and I wanted to go to the company in Schierstein where Willi works to pick him up. We stood in front of the company smoking a cigarette when his mother and Oma showed up behind us. She asked us if we wanted to pick Willi up as well and we told her we did. Then she looked at me and said "But Monika you smoke after all?" And I told her that I hardly do. So she told me that Willi will be tired when he gets off of work and that he needed to go home to sleep. When Willi came home, his Mom saw the hickeys and asked what happened. She said "You know you have a very headstrong Dad. You know what's going on." Then they started to fight. I really felt like crying. If it wasn't for me, Willi wouldn't have had a fight. I'm so scared that I will lose Willi. Life without him isn't worth living anymore. I hope no one ever reads what I'm writing now. If I ever do it, then I will burn the diary first. Cause I have to think about the time Willi told me a good solution how to kill yourself without a problem. Put a robe around a tree, stand on a small stool and take a bunch of sleeping pills. If his parents come between us, life will make no more sense. I love Willi more than life itself and I need him. I'm lost without him. My life would never see the sun again if he was gone. Without this love, which is more than love that ties Willi and me together, I would be a nothing. I would like to kill his parents. They're so mean. Either them or me. Willi shouldn't have no more worries about me, I love him too much for that.

June 26, 1982 (A letter from Willi to the diary)
Hi, I'm Willi, 19 years old from Taunusstein Bleidenstadt. What Monika wrote yesterday hit me hard, cause she wrote that she was going to kill herself with my method, so she wouldn't give me any problems. But I saw this method as a last resort, meaning if there was a war, etc. Monika shouldn't be thinking stuff like that, cause I'm on her side. I will fight for her, even if it will cost my own life, cause Monika means 10 times more to me than my own life (or more). So please take care of Monika, so she won't do anything stupid, cause I'm really with her till death do us part and further and Jenny, you have to watch out for her at all times. I feel just like Monika. Without her, I'm also a nothing. Jenny, make it clear to Monika: "Keep your head up and smile, even if it's hard, cause Willi loves you wherever you go and whatever you think of the world and people!" Bye till some other time in crisis. Willi!

June 26, 1982
I didn't get up till noon today. Willi got here at 1:30 pm. We went to the wedding. Willi's hand was hurt bad. His father had tried to hit him over the head with the guitar, but Willi put his hand up to avoid it. The wedding and the reception were nice. I imagined how nice it would've been if it was Willi and I standing in front of that altar, getting married. It would be so wonderful! Then we went to Willi's Oma. Willi told her he would spend the night at her house. When she didn't understand, he got mad. That's a mistake I make frequently too. Then we went home. My Mom talked to him again and he said he was going home. Then Nicole, Willi and I went to the Big Apple. It was really nice. I met Lion (Martin) there. Then at 11 pm we all ended up at my house again. Willi read my diary, even the part no one was supposed to read. When he was done, he had tears in his eyes and then he wrote in the diary. I'll tell you: As long as I have Willi, no one has to watch for me, cause only if I was to lose Willi would I use his method and then no one could keep me from it. Cause I love Willi and no matter what will come, I will always love him and a hundred times more than my life.

June 27, 1982
Willi came to my house at 1 pm today. He told me his parents locked him out last night. He told me his whole family life. His Mom works as some kind of secretary filling peoples retirement papers out. His Dad is an assistant section manager. His Mom really wanted his Dad to be her husband so she told him that she was pregnant. His Dad didn't watch out anymore and so it really did happen. Willi was born. They immediately gave him to his Oma. The parents gave her 100,-DM to provide for him. He found his friends there, and felt at home, but when he was 8 years old, his parents picked him up and made him live with them. He never really build friendships there, cause he went to school and then to his Oma's house till 4 pm. At 6 or 7 pm he had to go to bed. They had a lot of fights. Now Willi said he really wants to leave his parents and move back in with his Oma. His Mom tried to throw my hand-held CB away. If she does that, I'm going to sue her for it. His parents are so mean! Willi is going to get all of his albums and his stereo and I will keep them for him. I'm going to pick Willi up from his work tomorrow. He's going to eat at my house and then we're going to Bleidenstadt to get something so he can work at Toom Market. We went to the movies today "Herby the beetle" The movie was great. Willi wants me to go to the doctor cause of my knee..oh well. I talked to Lion over the CB today. Ouch... oh well.. slime slime.. new oil needed? I love Willi and that's for sure. Forever and ever no matter what's going to happen. My Mom is cool!

June 28, 1982
Today was crazy..wow! I got up at 11 am this morning. I dried the dishes and folded clothes. At noon I took the bus to Wiesbaden and to Schierstein to pick up Willi from work. I got there at 1:15 pm. Shortly before 1:30 pm, Willi came out. We said hello and drove to his boss. We brought some kind of paper to him. Then we went to the hitchhiking place. We were there at 2:30 pm. At first we wanted to go straight to Bleidenstadt to get Willi's albums and my CB, but we left that and went to Toom Market to eat instead. Willi had a cheeseburger and I had a Potatoecake. Then we played videogames for a little while and then we went to Ute at the travel agency. We talked to her about all kinds of stuff. This morning by the way, I called Willi's Oma, cause I wanted to make sure Willi got out of bed this morning. He did get out of bed and showered right away, but was tired anyway. She talked to me for quite a while. We even talked about preventing pregnancy and how Willi had told her that he wouldn't touch me until I was 18. We even talked about Willi's Opa. He was a musician early in life and even played for the emperor. Then he went to WW 1 when he was 19. He lost a leg and a large part of his hearing. Afterward he studied medicine and got to be a doctor. He died when he was 83. So I told Willi that his Oma told me that his Mom was going to pick him up from Toom Market at 7 pm. He said he would just walk passed her. I called my Mom at 5 pm. She picked me up and we got 6 buckets and my album from Simon and Garfunkel, Hanne Haller and Paul McCartney. Willi had to start work at 5:20 pm and I talked to Ute till 5:45 pm when Mom showed up. When I got home, I started cleaning. At 7:15 pm the bell rang and Willi's Mom stood in front of the door. Mom took her into the living room. She sat down on the couch and started: Did I know why Willi was so weird? She was shocked cause I picked Willi up from work at 10:30 pm and on top of that with a cigarette in my hand. Nicole isn't a good influence on me, cause she thought I was a nice girl. She said she didn't lock Willi out. She said Willi is 50% disabled cause of his hearing, that's why he didn't have to go to the army. It's hereditary and Willi's Opa was deaf. She said she had wanted another child, but she was afraid that the next child would've been deaf. She said she spoiled Willi too much. She lied, even if she had tears in her eyes. She said that Willi wrote love letters to a 26 year old in Rome. She said that Willi used to tell her that he was visiting his girlfriend on Fridays and Saturdays, but when she went to the girls house, the girl wasn't even allowed to date yet. Afterward the girl supposedly wrote Willi a letter asking him if he wasn't ashamed about how he acted in front of his parents.. then she bitched at me for chewing my nails and then she left. Willi called. My Mom answered and talked to him. Then she talked to Willi's Oma. She told him that she was disappointed that he lied to her and told him to go back to his parents. Willi said he was going to come to my house. He asked me to be at the Hotel Sun in a half hour. He said he was going to show up no matter if I was going to meet him or not. I went. I cried the whole time I walked there. I prayed so God won't let everything go to hell. I need him. I'm going to wilt without him. I had suicidal thoughts again. I just wanted to walk into a car...like an accident. I can't stand that constant fighting. Willi came. He said he was going home since he didn't want to lose me. He admitted that he was suicidal too. He told me to believe in us. I will. I love him. No matter what will happen. Mama ended up driving him home.

June 29, 1982
Today Willi came to my house around 3 pm. I love him so much, don't ever want to lose him. Everything is back ok with his parents.

June 30, 1982
today I picked Willi up from work again. He drove me to Delkenheim. This was our last day. I went to his parents' house this evening.

July 1, 1982
We left for vacation today. Dumb town here. I want to go home to be with Willi. I already talked to Willi on the phone today. And I also send a postcard and a letter to him today. I listen to his music. I love him and I miss him so much!

July 2, 1982
Today we went to Samnaun to buy cigarettes. I talked to Willi on the phone again. I listen to his song and I have his picture next to my bed. I miss him so darn much. I wish I could go to him right now, give him a hug and never let go again. I love him - a whole bunch. I miss him - a whole bunch! Still 10 days before we go back home!

July 3, 1982
Today we went to the island Mainau. It was very pretty there. But only half as pretty as if Willi would've been with me. I wish I could be with him right now. I feel a never ending love for him inside of me. I miss him very very much. I love him! Still 9 days! Yuck!

July 4, 1982
We didn't go anywhere today. I went into the forest and cried. I miss Willi so much. I want to go be with him right now!

July 5, 1982
Willi works late today. Nicole started her vacation today. I wish I could be home right now. Still 7 days till I can see Willi again. Then I can feel secure and happy again. Yesterday when I went into the forest, I noticed that the forest is the only thing that can bind me with Willi while I'm away. I can talk to the woods, but they can't talk back to me. I feel a little more secure in the forest than in that house. I took 19 twigs of an evergreen, cause Willi is 19. His picture is always right next to my bed. I write him every day and we talk on the phone every day as well. When I look back to Michael, I only cried once over him. Well, also a little bit when he left to go back home. I could cry every day while I'm here though. I walk around sad all day long. I keep trying to change my thoughts and think of something other than Willi, but I just can't seem to swing it. Well, how could I since I love him so much. I only wrote Michael two letters all together. One time while I was gone a week and one after he went home. I guess you can tell how much more I like Willi. I want to go see Willi.

July 9, 1982
I didn't have any time to write. So much has happened. I went to ride a boat with Oma in Lindau. We're going home today. I can't wait to see Willi again. I finished crocheting a sweater for him.

July 10, 1982
It's so nice to be back home. I went to Toom Market at 2 pm today to see if Willi was there. His car was outside and I found him by 2:30 pm. I asked him for the car keys and waited till 4 pm. I was disappointed that he didn't kiss me when he got to the car and he acted really weird too. At first we drove to my house, then to Wiesbaden to eat at Burger King and at last we drove to Kemel to the forest, where he finally kissed me. He explained that he was trying to pull a joke on me by not kissing me etc. Oh well.

July 11, 1982
Willi's car is broke. We were in Wiesbaden and I met his friend Sundus (he's half Egyptian). He's really nice, only a little dreamy. Sundus also had another friend with him. The guys name was Markus, but I didn't care for him too much. Italian is world champion. Stupid Fussball!

July 12, 1982
Lots has happened today. First though I want to write about my feelings at the moment: I really love Willi. I miss him 5 minutes after he's gone. Willi's also very gentle. In a way I can't wait till we actually will make love for the first time. I know it's still too early, but in a way I can't wait. I'm also scared though...scared that one day it's over between the two of us. And I'm also scared of the first time. There are lots of questions. Will it be as nice as I picture it? Will I know what to do? What will we feel like afterward? How will our relationship be after the first time? Will he like it? If either one of us won't like it, what then? How about if it's not going to be the way we picture it? If it doesn't work right? Maybe I'm too young, cause I have so many questions about it? Or do all girls ask themselves these questions? I called Willi this morning. He's renovating his Oma's apartment in Neuhof. I was going to hitchhike there, but Mom took me there. But I left right away again. Willi hitchhiked with me to Wehen. He went to the bank in Wehen and I went to the pool. Nicole had been there since 9 am. We went shopping and to visit Willi at Toom Market in the evening. Nicole fainted while we were standing at the register. They brought her to the hospital. She was in the sun too long and her body wasn't able to handle it. While we were waiting with Nicole, some guy came in who took too many pills.. he almost died.

July 13, 1982
Willi came to my house at 8 pm today. Nicole came over too. The day was boring until Willi got here.

July 14, 1982
I'm addicted to cigarettes. I smoked my last one at Nicole's house today. I went crazy just now...looking everywhere for cigarettes, at my brothers, my Dad's. At last I took some butts, got the stuff out and stuffed it in an empty shell. Golly, it's nuts. Shit addiction! I went to Wiesbaden with Willi today. Before that, Nicole came to my house. When Willi went to work at Toom Market, I went to talk to Ute for a little while. I went to the pool afterward. I had to laugh at Bongo. When I tried to push him under water he said "Why don't you do that with your Willi?" When I answered Nicoles question about not having time tomorrow, I said "It's because Willi and I are spending time together". Bongo said "Willi here, Willi there, and when Willi doesn't want to, she'll have the time." So I said "You're just jealous". He didn't say anything to that. Hehehe.

July 23, 1982
Since I came back from work I've been crying. I think I lost Willi. It's 99% for sure that Willi and I are not a couple anymore. Only cause of his dumb parents. I hate them. I know that before I would kill myself, I would kill Willi's parents. I love him and I need him. How can they forbid our love. It's just not fair. Oh God, please let him stay with me and be mine, no matter how. I've never in my life cried that hard over a boy. I will never forget him. Nor will I ever be able to give him up. Now I'm all alone. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now. I thought life was so nice with him. I was so endlessly happy with him. I really feel like killing his parents. How can they blackmail him like that.

July 25, 1982
Nicole and Peter are an item again. I don't really want to admit it, but I really do need Nicole at the moment. I just got done calling Willi's parents. They said that Willi is going to a private school away from home. I love him so much. My Mom is against me too now. She said it's better that we broke up, cause Willi and I had too much stress in our life cause of his parents. But for me the stress is just starting now. I love him more than anything in the world. I will never break up with him. He will have to do that. I don't want to lose Willi.

July 27, 1982
A prayer: Please let me keep my boyfriend. Willi is the best thing in my life. I want to do anything and everything I have to in order to keep him, cause I love him with the whole of my heart and soul. I want to give up anything and everything only if I can keep him in return. Please let him stand by me! I'm without hope.
I went to the city today, cause it's summer clearance this week. I bought a pair of Jeans, stretch corduroys pants and a suit. When I tried to put the stretch pants on the zipper broke. Now I have to exchange the pants. Besides that, I bought 5 singles and 3 albums (Bernhard Brink, Christian Franke). I ran into Willi's Oma at the Loreleiring. We didn't talk much. I ran into Bernhard in the bus. I went to see Nicole too. She's dating Peter now. I don't give them much of a chance..maybe a month or two. I haven't seen nor talked to Willi since Sunday. I really miss him badly. I have to write down what happened last week. Ute asked Willi to drive her Alfa Romeo from one shop to another. The car didn't have stickers, but it still had plates. We ended up getting stopped from the police and Willi was issued a citation. Now his father is blackmailing him. He has to stop seeing me or he won't pay for the lawyer. That's shitty. What else is he supposed to do? So now it's officially over between us, but unofficially we're still together. Even the Duff was black-mail. His Dad said that if he broke up with me he could get his Daff back. What an asshole! Willi wants to get engaged despite all of this on October 15th on his birthday. I hope everything will work out ok. I'm really scared of losing him. I wish he would've called or something today. I love him so much!

July 28, 1982
I got some autographs from Christian Franke today. He looks adorable. I'm really scared that I might've already lost Willi. I just can't believe it. He loves me, doesn't he? It's the third day without a word from him. Did he give in to his parents? Is he going to keep his promise to never leave me? Why doesn't he call me? I'm so scared of the future. I'm praying that everything will turn out ok and that we will get engaged on his birthday. He's the only thing in the world that I have and love. I don't want to lose him. I love him more than I love myself. I can't live without him. I would only exist without him, not live. Like a vegetable. Don't let my hope die. I would give anything in the world..really anything, just to have him here with me. I know I can't keep him from leaving if this is what he really wants, but I can't believe that that's what he wants. Mama thinks everything is over, but that can't be true. I have such horrible fear of losing him. I miss him so terribly. I'm crying already again. Oh Willi, please be mine. I love you!

July 29, 1982
Today work was terrible. My feet hurt and my head does too. I'm so fed up with this. I want to get done with this shit and get into the office. Willi called at work today. I was so happy to hear from him and a rock lifted off of my heart. He called again this evening. He's at his aunts house in Frankfurt. I have to go to the optometrist Monday at 1 pm and we're going to see each other then. He told me to be at the bench next to the phone booth at the Kochbrunnen. I'm so excited to see him again. I miss him so so much. Nicole was here too. She said she would like to go out with Thomas again. She said she doesn't love Peter and she doesn't want to date him either. My Mom couldn't really believe that Willi called. Only I knew he wouldn't give up. I knew he couldn't just leave me hanging like that. I know how Willi is. I can't forget that. I love him more than anything and I really would like to merry him someday.

July 30, 1982
Willi's Mom called today. She said she is going to pick up Willi's records tonight. There was a fight. She called me a slob and a dumb goat. His Dad called me a brat. I called them old pigs. I never want to see them again. But I don't want to lose Willi. Is this the end or is it only the beginning? Will he stay with me? His Mom said that Willi is going to school in Frankfurt now. I still love him. Nathan came today with his friend Robert. We laughed a lot. Oh please let me keep Willi...I love him so much!

My dream
I woke up. My room was in complete chaos. It was either shortly after 6 or 7 am. My Teddy was laying by the door. On top of him there was a package of Goulevars cigarettes. I wondered who threw them in my room. Papa, Gerhard or maybe my Mom?

July 31, 1982
It was a nice day today. It was pretty good at work. I lied to Ute. I told her that I haven't heard from Willi since the stuff with the car happened. She doesn't need to know anything else. I love Willi. Nathan Robert and I went to a Disco tonight. It's called Old Daddy. I already talk a lot better English than I did before. I can understand more too. Robert is really nice too. He bought me a beer-coke mix. We took a Taxi home. We hitchhiked going there. Later we played Rome at Nathan's house. I won. Germany against Texas... 1 - 0 . It was a lot of fun. I'm trying to figure out my dreams again lately, but I don't seem to get anywhere with it. But it's not important anyway. I had a real weird dream. A customer came to the counter and her cat jumped on top of the meat, lost a bunch of fur and I kept selling that meat.

August 1, 1982
This afternoon we brought Nathan and Robert to the train station. Robert took my old TV with him. If Robertís wife isn't in Germany yet next weekend, he'll come back with Nathan. Then they'll work in Nathan's apartment again. Robert is 18 years old and Nathan is 20. Tracy is 20 too. I went to the fair in Dotzheim today. I met Bernhard, Christoph and Gerold there. Inge was there too. We (Inge and I) thought this one guy was kinda cute. We drove after him in the bumper car and hit him with it. Later he bumped into me. In the evening I went to the Weilburger Tal with Mom and Dad. They met an old friend of theirs (Jule) and I went to Oma to play cards. I won. We got back home around midnight. I can't wait till tomorrow..I'll see Willi again. I hope he's actually going to show. I like him so much. I hope he'll be there. He's number one in my life and I love only him.

August 2, 1982
I went to the optometrist today. Willi showed up. He got there at 2 pm. I was so happy. We sat on the bench for a while and then we went to the park at Wilhemlstreet where there was some shade. I got home shortly after 4 pm. I accidentally ripped the phone cord out when I tried to call Nicole. Gerhard put it back in. Nicole and Peter came to my house in the evening. And later Willi showed up which made me really happy. I even had him all to myself for a little while. That was nice. It was like being high! He's the opium I need. It's too bad time flies so fast. We're going to see each other again at 2 pm tomorrow at the train station. I can't wait. Willi had a fun card for a visit in a whorehouse. I took him serious for just a second and was mad. I didn't read about the evangelic holidays and that it's not open during the day. I'm still high from Willi's visit.

August 3, 1982
I had to work till 1 pm today. Then I went to Wiesbaden. I met Willi again. I am bathing in the moments that I can spend in the presence of him. I love him and I don't ever want to lose him. I already miss him again.

August 4, 1982
I went to school today. Afterward I started my songbook. It was a boring day. I played guitar and missed Willi. I can't wait to see him again. I love him and I need him

August 5, 1982
I cried in the bathroom at work today. I want to go to the office. I'm so sick of the meat department. I miss Willi tremendously. This evening I was alone again. Nicole is constantly with Peter, so I don't have anyone anymore. Besides the music and my guitar. I guess that's all right for now. I can't wait till I get to see Willi again. I love him!

August 6, 1982
I didn't have no interest in going to work today. I went to the CB-meet with Nicole this evening. It was so boring. I will never get in the car with another American or other alien. I was scared shitless. Everything was ok going from Hahn to Wiesbaden, but on the way from Wiesbaden to Biebrich, a black guy stopped. When I told him we had to get out at our spot, he started laughing. It reminded me of JR Ewing's laugh. I felt like ripping the door open, but Nicole said again that we had to get out right there, and he stopped. I got enough of that shit. I won't forget this that quick. I miss Willi.

August 7, 1982
Today was hard at work. Willi's Dad brought the sweater back to me that I made for Willi. I gave that to him. It was my work for him. Willi's parents are pigs. I don't like them, but I love Willi.. much more than I can say. Today I played my guitar and wrote in my songbook. Why doesn't Willi call me? I don't want to lose him, cause he's the only one I've got. Please let him stay with me. I fell in love with him. I love Willi. I can play three of his songs on the guitar now. Please let me hear from Willi.

August 8, 1982
I still haven't heard from Willi. I ended up spending half of the day in bed. The rest of the day I just spent at home

August 9, 1982
I had to work till 12:30 pm today. I went horseback-riding with Nicole in the evening. It was wonderful. I heard something about Ute today. She got Brigitte for a witness. Oh well, I still haven't heard from Willi. I want to give a party pretty soon and I want to invite Christian, a guy that goes to school with Gerhard. I would like for him to show up. He has beautiful eyes.

August 10, 1982
I had school and then I was off. I kept working on my songbook today. I think Willi and I are history... 99% for sure. Nicole called there saying she was his classmate Bettina, but he said that he didn't know a Bettina and if it had anything to do with me or Ute, then he didn't want to talk on the phone anyhow. I called Christian today. The sister answered the phone and he wasn't there. He lives in Bleidenstadt and I have his phone number. He learned to be a heater installer. He has to be about 19 years old. His Dad's name is Arthur and his Mom's name is Uta. His sister should still be under 18, cause she isn't in the address book.

August 11, 1982
I had school again today. When I got home, I called Willi's Oma to let her know what's going to happen with Ute. I called Christian at 5:30 pm and he answered the phone right away. He said he wasn't sure if he can come to my party, cause he has to go to seminars with his work. He asked me to call again when I have the ok for the place I want to hold the party at. I think somehow I got a crush on Christian. When I talked to him he said he just got out of the shower and was still all wet. He's so different then the other boys Gerhard usually hangs around with. He seems to be really nice. He's cute too. I went to a Disco (Western)with Nicole and Peter.

August 14, 1982
I went to the pool-fest today with Nicole and Peter. Nicole slept with Thomas yesterday, even though she's going out with Peter. I think that's so mean of her to cheat on Peter. Peter didn't deserve that. I danced a lot with Nicole, Ulrike and Andrea. I met Gerald and Ingo too. Christian wasn't there though. Too bad.

August 15, 1982
I went to the pool with Nicole for a few minutes this afternoon, but that was already all for today.

August 16, 1982
I went to the Dr. today and he told me I had x-legs. It's from work. Two Turks followed me when I was in the city today. I was pretty scared. Then at the phone booth some scuzzy idiot hit on me and asked me for 50 cents. I spent some time with Nicole this evening. Christian wasn't home anymore by the time I called his house.

August 17, 1982
Oma gave me her couch as a present today. I changed my room totally. It looks so cool now. I only need a new closet now.

August 21, 1982
I met Basis over the CB yesterday. I liked him right from the beginning. I actually saw him yesterday at the fest grounds. He looks pretty good. his name is Michael and he lives in the Arndtstreet. He's nice. We ended up going to the Fame and played some games. In the evening, I gave him an 88 over the CB. I went to Michael's party today. Peter asked me if I wanted to go out with Walther (he asked Peter to ask me). I told him I didn't want to and one of the reasons was Michael. Christian doesn't like me like that and I haven't heard from him anyway. Peter was surprised. When we left Micha's house I told him the 88 again. I think I'm falling for an 8 1/2 year older guy. It's funny, cause I don't care about his age at all. If I remember how I used to be... but I donít think I have a chance with Michael anyhow. Maybe a 1% chance? Oh well!

August 31, 1982
It's been a while. I kinda asked Michael about going out with me, but he said he doesn't want to go out with anybody right now. Too bad. I had a dream about Willi today. I kept waiting for him, but he didn't show up, so I left without him. I got my new pj's today. They have feet. I pretty much go to the Fame every day now. I like it there a lot. I gave a bottle-party Saturday. I met Stefan and Guenther there. Everything is the same besides that. Mom and Dad are being mean again since I don't have a boyfriend anymore.

September 1, 1982
I'm starting a new part in my life now. I don't care about Michael anymore, nor Christian. Starting today, I'm going to start searching what I'm really missing. One of these days I will meet my soulmate and I'm not going to miss him when he gets here. For now, I'm going to stay solo, so I'll have the time to find the real love that I'm looking for. I don't want someone for just a quick adventure. I want something lasting forever where I feel trust and security. I want to find someone who can listen, but doesn't stay quiet. I don't want a boy, I want a man! I want someone who thinks about love the same way I do.

My dream:
I was flying. I showed people what I can do and got money. A whole lot of money into my apron. On top of it was Hamburger-meat. When I got home, I put the hamburger-meat aside and looked at all that money. I wanted to take some of it and got my piggy-bank. I saw 2 DM and 10 cent pieces. Then I thought that if I take money away, God will punish me and then I won't be able to fly anymore. So I didn't take any money. I only could fly if I had something specific in my hands. (Some kind of paper). Then I was at some kind of party and felt like flying, so I asked a dragon if he could fly. He said that he could fly just a little bit. We went to the Karndtstreet and Lessingstreet corner and we tried without the paper in my hands, but it didn't work. It didn't work for the dragon either. So we went back. A truck drove past us and it started to snow. Some spots where already white and so we went back inside. Behind us was a couple. Then the dragon turned into Nicole and she lost her pants and underpants. She was laying in a mountain of snow. I had to laugh and told her. She got a brown map to cover her bottom and got her pants back. It was in the middle of the night and it was dark, but Nicole was in the spotlight.
Translation:
Brown Map: I should turn my life into a quieter pace.
Darkness: I need to find out a solution to a given problem.
Night: The unknown hold hidden dangers.
Snow: Fear of loneliness and the feeling that the love I had with someone has gotten cold.
Truck: Trying to flee into a fantasy world. Dragon: The favor of a figure in high standings. I walk over people in order to be successful.
Flying: Heavy burdens, problems in life and repression of anger.
Money: Psychic energy. Material values I hold on to.
Gift: Unexpected suffering.
God: Happiness and comfort. Coming out of a depression.
Naked: Nicole might get into a bind.

September 3, 1982
My dream: I was in a hotel. Willi was lying on the very top with some kind of girl and his father was lying with him without clothing on his bottom. You could hear moaning. I went downstairs and had fun. I ate, drank and waited until Willi came downstairs, cause I wanted to show him that I'm fine by myself, but he never showed up. I laughed about it.
Translation:
I'm happy. I have wishes and await things by whom I laughed about. Willi's Dad will get into troubles. I'm lucky. I'm over a disappointment. There are lots of activities waiting for me. I didn't find what I was looking for in Willi.

September 9, 1982
I got a nickname today: Dotty! It doesn't really fit to me though. But somehow I guess from the way I act, maybe it does fit. I went to one of my customers houses yesterday. She was happy to see me and she really liked the roses I brought. I have never had a customer like her. She's so sweet. She had a really bad car accident. Some people call me piggy at work, but I don't care. I have enough self-esteem by now where shit like that doesn't get to me. I love life and I like myself the way I am! Ok, I would like to lose weight, but that's not that bad. I don't think of myself like I used to. I'm not a little ugly duckling. Everybody has a different taste. I like myself the way I am and that's really important. Cause it's only when you like yourself that you can like life!

September 14, 1982
Only 22 days till my birthday! Today I went first to Fame and then to Waldschenke. At the Fame, I met Michael, his brother Frank and his girlfriend Silvia. I took Manuela with me to the Waldschenke. I had Mama buy me a pair of boots for my birthday yesterday. Sunday I went to the Night Star with Nicole, Peter and Gerold. It was great! Peter and I drove with the Mopeds and Nicole and Gerold walked. Peter and I went and sat by the table next to the DJ. Dirk was there as well. At first I really hated him, but now he's not so mean anymore and he can be pretty nice, so now I kinda like him. I bet he won't make the bet that he can eat 25 "Negrokisses"(a german sweet) in 10 minutes. But the bet is not until 11 pm and I have to be home by then. He said: "So you're not 16 yet after all.. I like you anyway." and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. Only Nicole knows this. And I won't tell anyone else either. It would be too embarrassing.

September 16, 1982
I'm sooo sad, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I lost Willi, or because I did everything wrong with Michael? Maybe it's because I don't have a boyfriend anymore, or maybe cause I'm jealous of Nicole? But I think maybe I miss Willi's tenderness. A few weeks ago he made me so happy and I guess I still love him, even though I try to make those feelings go away. When will my last love come and find me? When will I find the man of my dreams? I wish the day was here already. I long for tenderness and security. I can't live without this, I can only be!
My dream:
I lost two teeth. I had bad teeth. All of them were half decayed and broken off. I showed my teeth to Nicole and Peter.
Translation:
I will lose two people that I love. Lost energy. I'm losing the will to live. I lose vitality in the physical and emotional sense. A health warning.
My dream:
I saw a weapon pointing at me.
Translation:
I will get into an embarrassing situation.

September 26, 1982
My dream:
I'm going to a bar with Nicole. We sat there and I talked to her. Then I got so loud I almost screamed. I was so embarrassed I put my hand in front of my mouth. The bartender came over and he looked like a bear. He looked mad as hell and I was scared shitless. Just of a sudden a boy with dark hair and blue eyes screamed: "Hold it!" The bartender turned around. He looked like he was the boys Dad. The boy said: "She works at Toom Market, she's known." His father said: "So?" but turned around and walked off. Later Nicole and I were wanting to go on a trip. The boy sat on some kind of thing. I thought he was cute. He wanted to know if Nicole was already 18. I climbed up to him, sat next to him and said: "Sure". However, he wanted to see her ID. So Nicole went to her room with dark brown furniture and was looking for her ID. While she was searching, the boy put his head against mine and smiled. Then we were at Nicole's house. He was supposed to look for her ID. He found a light brown bar of chocolate and opened it. Somehow he stepped on it. When I wanted a piece he told me to eat the part that was under the battery that his foot didn't touch and I did.
Translation:
Blue Eyes: Trying to fit in, to find the truth and to feel at ease.
Fear: Mistakes that I want to forget. Being scared gives bad feelings. Changes in life.
Trip: My life turns into a new direction.
In love: I have to expect a disappointment.
Brown: I need to calm my life down somewhat.
Boy: Plenty of adventure.

October 6, 1982
Today was my 17th birthday. The first one to congratulate me was my brother Gerhard at midnight. Papa congratulated me in the morning and then Mom. Oma didn't tell me Happy Birthday, but she gave me 75,-DM yesterday. Little Oma didn't tell me Happy Birthday at all. Peter and Wolfgang called me to wish me a Happy Birthday. Nicole didn't even call. This evening, Martin gave me a bouquet of red roses and a crystal ball with a Libra sign inside of it. It was nice of him, but I just can't stand him. I went to the Big Apple till 11 pm. I wish Frank would've given me the flowers. I kinda have a crush on him. He looks so cute. While he was going out with Silvia, he was kinda off limits, but now.. I like him. I don't think much about Willi anymore. And when I do think about him, it doesn't hurt like that anymore. It was a nice time, but it's over and life has to go on. However, I will always remember him in a good way, just like Michael. I invited Frank to my party on the 9th. I hope he'll show up.

October 9, 1982
My party was a failure. I knew it before hand. I did pray that it would work ok. I found out today that I dislike Michael R. after all. But I also figured out that I got the biggest crush on his brother Frank. But I also know that I have absolutely no chances with him. I think of Willi a lot again lately. Our relationship was so special. But oh well, there were a lot of problems too

My song:
I need you
I invited you, but you couldn't come
I was sad and a little numb
I would've loved to get to know you better
Cause your eyes promise love, but you're so far away
I told my friend that I've fallen in love
and for the first time in my life I wouldn't say with whom
Cause I need you and I long for you
Cause you have such heavenly eyes that promise the world
I fell in love with your eyes
cause they promise to be true
Yes I need you like the leaves need a tree
I want to belong to you, but that might just be a dream
Cause you might be in a different league
I feel like a leave in the wind
which never finds a calm
And that's why I need you
So my soul can find a home

October 10, 1982
I didn't really want to go ice skating but when Nicole called and said Frank was going, I had to go too, even though I wasn't sure if Frank was really going to be there. I figured it was going to be nice regardless. Frank didn't come after all, but I had a blast anyhow. We went to the fair this evening and afterward to the Fame. Afterward Frank, Nicole and Michael came to my house to eat some cake, but only for a half hour. I like Frank's dog Alf. He's so nice and really listens well. I thought of Willi again today. I think Frank knows that I like him cause Nicole told Michael and I'm sure he told his brother. I don't think I'll tell Nicole so much anymore.

October 11, 1982
My dream
I rode with Frank in his car. He was telling me about this guy that drove his car smoking and playing with all of his buttons.
Our cat Muschi got run over today. Mom is crying. I'm sad, but I'm not crying. I had to think a lot about Frank today. I went to Tracey's house this evening. Nathan is gone now. I had a good talk with Tracey. I learned the word scissors, fire-fighter, heater, lighter, ceiling, polite, heartbreaker and lady killer.

October 22, 1982
I have been crying a lot these last few days. I feel so endlessly lonesome. I miss being loved and giving love. I find I lose myself in play and dancing. I cry in my dances. I miss my friend Nicole as well. I haven't seen her in a long time. I'm crying. It's therapeutical. I long for togetherness. I long for an understanding and loving boyfriend. I'm still not completely over Willi. I can forget about him quite a bit, but when I'm alone, I have to think about him. It was so nice to have someone like him. I have to quit writing cause I'm hurting too much.

November 2, 1982
It hurts again to write today. I don't want to go on. Everything is just the shits. Nicole is pretty much out of the window, gone gone gone! She's not like the old friend I knew. I want my old good friend back. The way she used to be, not a slut. I long for someone who speaks German so I can communicate better and talk about my problems easier. Dad hit me today...for nothing...He's drunk! I still miss Willi. Nicole's Mom called earlier. I yelled for her to leave me alone with stupid Nicole. I have enough problems at the moment. Dear god, why do you take everything that's nice to me? Nicole, Willi? I want to be happy too you know?

November 4, 1982
Today Thomas, Gerold and Bernhard came to my house. I called Nicole at work and asked her if she would stop by. She said she would but she called later and told me she was at Michaelís house and wasn't able to stop by. She wanted for me to say why I wanted her to come by. I told her she could either stop by or she could kiss my ass. She told me she felt sorry for me. I told her thanks and hung up. Nicole told me that Bernhard wasn't a good kisser, but I found out different today. I don't know what to think about the whole thing though. I'm wondering what it meant. What does it mean to him and more so, what did it mean to me? I'm a little confused, especially since this wasn't planned at all. And I'm comparing him already with Willi and I know this isn't going to work. I would hate to hurt anyone (lets say he does want something out of this) so this is the shits. Ok, he's a nice guy and I really like him....as a friend! Maybe it's just cause I'm still not over Willi, but nevertheless! He was my big love, even though he was my second... and even though we didn't "do" anything, still! I know one thing: Bernhard is a damn good guy. I said that already a long time ago and I still say that. Oh well, I'm not going to beat myself up over that.. maybe it'll solve itself.

November 13, 1982
I'm excited. I met Toni today. He's American and he's from Virginia. For the past year he lived at the Air Base in Wiesbaden. He's in the Infantry. He's really good looking and my heart is skipping beats. I never had butterflies before. Every time our eyes met, he smiled. He winked at me once. He's going to be at Old Daddy's again next Saturday.

November 14, 1982
I got in big time trouble with my parents today cause of Toni and Jim. Tracy told me that Toni doesn't have a good character. My horoscope for yesterday: "I shouldn't let a blinding appearance make me stray from my path. The outside of the person is nicer than the inside. Don't let it blind you." I'm wondering about him. He's still cute though. Oh well, I can just hope.

November 16, 1982
Well, Toni did disappoint me. My horoscope was right. Toni is a heartbreaker. However, I did meet a cute American boy at the Western Saloon. I've seen him a few times at Old Daddy's already too. I've never seen him with a girl as of yet. Oh well, I guess I'll see. I won't get my hopes up anymore with any boy I really like.

Well, I'm not sure what I did with my diary that goes from November 1982 through February 1983, but I know I used to have one..maybe one day I'll find it and am going to be able to put it on here, but for now, I only can write what I remember and that's not a whole heck of a lot. Sometime in November I met Paul. I met him at Old Daddy's and I was sitting next to a friend of mine and she knew him and introduced him to me. I asked him about the dark beer. He later asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, but I said no at first, cause I didn't really know him. Throughout the night though I decided to give it a try cause he really seemed bummed out that I said no. Anyhow, we got "engaged" shortly after and I promised him I would come after him in October of 1983 when I turned 18, cause he had to leave for the states. I only knew him a couple of month when he left. In the mean time, I showed my parents a picture of him and got in trouble for dating a "nigger" (that's what my Dad called him even though he wasn't even black. He was half Mexican that's all) I saw Paul even though they didn't want me too, by sneaking out and meeting him at Tracy's house or saying I was baby-sitting when I wasn't. I talked to his mom on the phone and thought she was really nice. I was in love when he left and was sure I was going to the states to be with him.

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