1981

Tuesday, January 6, 1981
A letter to "Jenny" after Andrea read my diary and wrote in it as "Jenny"
Yeah, the others could be happy now, singing on Christmas eve, unwrapping presents, but at our house, we don't sing or play and we already unwrapped our presents before Christmas. Besides, it's always money and money is totally unpersonal. I would rather have a 10,-DM ring than 100,-DM in cash. Wouldn't anybody be suicidal in a situation like that? How would you help yourself in a situation like that? Instead of happiness and feeling lucky, you feel tense, cause your parents don't get along and they don't understand you and you don't get along with them, cause they're too old fashioned. And the reason I don't see a way to kill myself is that every time I think about it, there's either someone close by, or I'm not allowed to go anywhere. At the times when I'm allowed to leave, I start being afraid of what happens then. Would it be even worse being dead then being alive? In all reality though I don't think that's possible cause I doubt that I would go to hell. God is the only one that really understands. Being with him would be nice. No more problems....being out of this world. Free! I don't think that's possible to reach by taking drugs. If I would think that's possible I would try drugs. But drugs seem to destroy you and make everything even worse. So if I'm going to do something then I'm going to do it right...all the way. Gone! Over with! Volker has a good heart. You say used to, but he still gives me hope to live on, cause deep inside I still think that maybe we'll end up together someday after all. Maybe he likes me after all? I do love him. What do you mean by saying that I don't have any self- esteem anymore? Did I ever have self-esteem? Or do you not know me after all? Maybe when I was a little kid. When I was 12 I already had problems and felt alone. It's because I'm fat. Nobody wants me cause I'm fat. But at least I had my parents back then. They only rarely got mad at me back then. Why only in the last little while and why with him? Because I talk about him in every letter? Oh no, the eyes can deceive. A lot of times I'm far away with my thoughts. So far away only few can get that far and maybe I'll be there soon. Where I belong. Then everybody gets their wish and I'm gone. I'm only a burden to people. I always think of Volker when I'm happy. Do you want me to not be happy at all? I'm already happy seldom enough as is. Mad was only mad in fun. Why did I not talk to you? I think I can talk to Sylvia and Andrea, but with Kerstin? She laughs about every problem. I don't know Sylvia enough. Sometimes Andrea isn't the right person to confide in either, cause she doesn't realize some of the problems. Sometimes she tells me not to get sentimental, or stuff like that. What do you think? You're the only one that can understand. Sure, I talk to Andy, but sometimes I'm scared to. I'm scared of tomorrow too when she will read this. But I told her. I hope she'll understand. She can be a great friend, but not always. I'm sure I won't laugh about it and you can see that by this letter. This time I really told you everything. I don't think there's anything more. Open my heart? I'm sure I would feel better, I believe that too, but it's hard. Do you think I'll ever can come out? I already feel better by writing all this down, getting it out of my system and knowing Andrea will read it.

January 8, 1981
Boy, I really told them off today, just like you told me to. At first I told my Dad that he's mean when he always makes fun of my one breast being bigger than the other one and that from now on I will treat him like number 0 if he doesn't stop it. Then I bitched at my Mom about family and trust. Every time everything was my fault. I told her if she thinks I'm lying then Thanks a lot. Well, I didn't get really rowdy or anything, but it's a start and it made me feel better already. It's fun to tell them what I really think of them.

January 12, 1981
Since Volker never got back with me I had decided to fall for a new person and I did at the party in Neuhof. But it's the wrong one again. He's the drummer of "Danger Barrage" (Dangerous Fire)he's really cute, but I don't know what his name is. I sat alone at the table when he came up to me with his friends and sat on the table. He asked me "Do you have any idea what time it is?" I gave him the time and shortly after he asked "Do you know if anyone else will show up?" I told him that my friend Baerbel might come (she didn't). He said: "Well, that's at least somebody". Then Volker showed up. The other guy gave me an eye on occasion. I wish I would fall in love with someone I have chances with.

January 16, 1981
I think it was more of a call for help. Well, I'll tell the story from the beginning. I went to school totally flipped. I loved it how people stared at me. But I don't like it when people say I'm a punker. My parents started a big fight again. I think it's really mean. I think I'm about old enough to decide what I'm going to wear to school. I don't want to have anything to do with my parents anymore. Well, then my Mofa died in Wiesbaden and I ended up losing one of my brand new gloves. I can't even trust God, but I can't be mad at him, since he gave me such beautiful weather on the 12th. I still have to think about that drummer. Maybe he's from Taunusstein. That would be cool! This morning I felt really bad. My blood pressure must've been really low. I went to the pharmacy and they wanted to give me some kind of upper, which was too expensive. So I went to the other pharmacy. That's where I found out that the stuff the other guy was going to give me was similar to speed. At first the thought crossed my mind that I should've took it, cause then I would've known why Chris thought it was so wonderful to be on drugs, but at the same time I was scared shitless about it and glad that I didn't get it. Sure I'm wondering somewhat how it feels to be high, but at the same time I have a horror about it, thinking I might get hooked right away and not being able to quit. I felt like smoking a whole pack of cigarettes tonight, but I only smoked one at Andy's. This whole world is so fucked up. Exactly the way Chrissy explains it. Everyone is just out to get everyone else. But in all reality, she's the same way and so am I. I still don't know why I felt so shitty earlier. Maybe because I'm longing for guys I will never be able to have. Maybe because I just don't like the way I look with my size. Maybe because the world is so unforgiving. Maybe cause I hate my job. I should've went another year to school after all. If I would've worked on it, I would've been able to do it. Maybe because I have a horror for the next fight. Maybe I'll just go on Welfare later and live off of the state. Or I quit my job and go back to school in the evening and learn something else. I'm really hot for smokes...don't know why. I really want to get into one of the gangs. It's the shits that we're not going to Ruedesheim. If I show this to Andy, she's going to be horrified. She's going to kick my ass or put me down. She doesn't know me enough. It would take her a year of just talking for her to get to know me. She's not going to have enough patience for that. Sometimes I'm really jealous of Kerstin. I know I don't have the right, but I really like Andy and would like to have her for myself. I don't want to share her, cause I don't have anybody else. For a while now I've told Andy that I'm hanging with a gang, that I'm riding my mofa around with them all and having a lot of fun, but in reality these gangs are in my head. I'm riding around alone in a dreamworld...in my dreamworld I'm not alone...there are 10 or more mofa's on my side. It's like a big fantasy. I would dream of going into bar's with all of them and stuff. I almost believed all of it myself. I'm crying about the reality. How much easier it would be to keep living in that dreamworld.

February, 1, 1981
Man, I was really looking forward to today, cause of the name, but like always, when something is going to be a lot of fun, my parents are going to tell me that I can't go. I could just kill myself. These stupid assholes don't even know how I feel inside. I will never tell them how I feel, they would just laugh. I made myself a vow only to talk to my mother when I absolutely have to. And I will never laugh with her again.

February 7, 1981
I met the sister of the cute guy on the mofa who lives in Schillerstrasse 19. I'm going to visit her later. Yesterday some guy on a mofa asked me where the next gas station with mixed gas was, while we were both sitting at a red light on our mofa's. I told him the Shell on the Aarstrasse. I hope he was lucky and the Shell was still open. My brother has a friend, a classmate, who's really cute. I can't wait till Monday...choir camp!!

February 14, 1981
Choir camp was the ultimate experience. I was finally apart from my parents who I can't stand nor get along with anyway and I met tons of people. First Day: Got there, one girl helped me to carry my suitcase to the room, cause I got there with the elevator. Everyone introduced themselves. Herr Glassner was really nice. I discovered table fussball. Last Day: I fell in love at first sight. His name is Richard and Jule is his girlfriend. She's pretty nice... I'm going to the Oberstufen choir now, cause then I can see him. The drummer lives in Lorch.

February 16, 1981
Today after schoolbreak, I ran into Richard. He didn't notice me at first until I said: "Good morning Mr.". He looked at me with big eyes, starts to smile and says "Good morning" He's so cute.

February 18, 1981
Today I heard something bad. Andrea told me that she heard that Jule broke up with poor Richard. I would've never broken up with him. He so cute.

(Later) After choir, on the way home, I saw Richard on his moped in the Schillerstrasse. I think Stefan was with him too.

February 19, 1981
Today I had a dream about Richard. We were at the gym in school doing some kind of performance. Just of a sudden we had to remove some kind of pipe. I helped and accidentally ripped of the whole pipe. Everyone was scared it was going to explode and ran out of the room. Then I saw Richard in a group on stage. Then someone was guiding water on the stairs and everybody used the stairs like a slide in the pool. By the time I got up there to do the same, everything was over. I was too late. Everybody was laughing about me. I ran to Oliver's sister thinking it was Gabi, but Alli pulled her close and said it was his Katharin. I asked him if he saw Kerstin and he said he did in the courtyard. Just of a sudden I heard people saying something about fitting good together, meaning Richard and Katja , the dumb cow. She knows less about love than Jule. Then I woke up.

(Later) I just figured out that I'll probably never be with Richard or anyone else with a higher education, cause alone their parents wouldn't want their son to be with someone who only has High School. I ruined my life for not continuing school. I want my kids to go to college. I want to get my GED in evening school or I'll always think I'm a nothing. I want Richard. I think that's why I'm so aggressive lately.

February 21, 1981
Jule is still going out with Richard...that's good too. I dedicated a song from Udo Lindenberg to the drummer from Lorch.

February 27, 1981
This morning it felt like Bepsch and Jule were split up again. And if they are still together then I have to say they're strangers to each other. Richie saw my pictures today. He commented to one saying he looks like a horse in the picture. Bepsch's character is so cute. I was happier than a Troll when I got Joerg-Michaels letter. Jakob, Manuela's boyfriend is mad at me cause I made him think. My book is getting closer to book form. That's weird..around Christmas time I thought life wasn't worth living one bit and wanted to kill myself. But now, even though I know I'm not going to end up with Richard and even though I still have problems at work, I love life. Andreas and Nicole are very nice and have a good heart. I would like to help both of them. I spent a long time with Andreas on Thursday when we went to the tea-club. He told me a lot of things. He could fix himself up to where he would look really good, but nobody helps him. I'm going to try to help him. Maybe I can even get Nicole to look older.

March 3, 1981
I was out till 10:30 pm on Carnival Monday and Tuesday. It was great. I don't think I'm quite as shy anymore. I have a little more self-esteem back. I had lost it for a while. I think I trusted God. On Monday I met Andreas G. and gang. Tuesday I made friends with Bernhard and I met Senkie and Harald. Bepsch is going out with Jule again. I'm so happy that Andrea is such a good friend to me again.

March 15, 1981
Happy oh happy!! When did I write about killing myself? I don't feel like that anymore. Sure, it was terrible that day, but I don't know if I'll ever think suicide again. Just imagine, I went to the fair today and Petras brother Joerg started to talk to me. Then another guy came and talked to me. Later when I started driving a third guy stopped me and talked to me. Lately this happens a lot. Am I that pretty? Ok, I kinda like my face except for my nose and the chin, but besides that? My figure, my breasts, my laugh, it's all stupid. Or maybe it's the way I present myself? Since my parents are gone, I can be myself, just the way I am. I don't lie to no one anymore, but before.... Well, just a year or so ago, I lied to everyone that I had friends, or that I had this or that, or I liked that star, or this group, only because these people liked them. Now I know how stupid that was and I hate it now. I'm just a Hauptschueler, don't have cool parents and I don't necessarily like everyone else's music. I love mother nature and I like being at my tree. I believe in God. I believe it is better to live without telling lies, cause if you lie long enough, you believe your own lies. Besides, I believe my parents do love me and I love them back. I had a really cool dream this morning: Some boy was in love with me. When I found out, I took his arm and we walked around in the fields. We saw Michael and Doris. The boy (Thomas) and I were both very happy. I think now I found out what true love is. It's hard not to think about Bepsch again. I don't think I felt this strong about Volker. But I can't let anyone know, cause he has a girlfriend and he probably doesn't even like me anyway.

March 18, 1981
That was soooo nice.... 4 weeks without the screaming and fighting...and now? Same old same old? Do I have to grow back into this, where I felt so good and changed so much for the better and had only few problems left? I can't help myself with tears either. I don't want to go back to where I was before! I don't want to scream. I haven't screamed in such a long time and yesterday was the first day I cried again for a while, cause I yelled at Gerhard and he only defended himself, just like me. Most of the time Gerhard is ok. But grandma and my parents I could just throw right into the garbage. Now they won't allow me to have a boy in my room, even though I'm 15 1/2. Assholes! I think I'll end up losing Andy over this, but I don't want to. She has helped me so much and I haven't cried for so long and now? That is so stupid. Nicole and Andreas are nice too. I think Dieter M. got nicer (he's kinda cute too). I'm moving further and further away from Bepsch at the moment. Oh well. Just now she screamed again while I was talking with Andy on the phone. I was supposed to call Carmen and tell her something, but now I got so confused just now that I don't remember what. I talked to Mama about the screaming, but she said that she couldn't handle me any other way. Am I really that bad? Shit dumb cow!! If I'm not allowed to go horse-back riding, I'm going to run away as soon as my mofa is fixed. Then I'll get drunk somewhere and sleep under a bridge or somewhere in a hiding place in the forest. Of course I have to plan something like that really carefully. I have to have enough money and I have to leave a letter for my parents so they know why I left. Maybe they'll get better that way. God, please help me. Help them so they'll be fair and love me more. I can't take it any longer. If this keeps going that way, they might as well send me to the crazy house. First I will talk to a Teenage counselor though.

April 8, 1981
I can't wait till I can go to America. But first I have to lose some weight. Jens was really mean today. He wants to get me going to lose weight, but the way he does it, he'll just crush my soul, cause what he's doing hurts me a lot and then I end up trying to eat my hurt away. Life isn't easy. Dieter M. is cute, but not a really nice boy.

April 9, 1981
I'm sad today. Because of Gerhard. Today I noticed once again, that I do like my brother. He flunked the test for his drivers license.

May 5, 1981
We had Choir concert yesterday. Too bad everything is over. Bass was awesome. Well, it's because they're all boys. With the girls it doesn't work, cause there's no team-work. After the concert I hung out in front of the Aula and Maja told Richard "You guys were awesome...really!" So I said "Maja, didn't you notice they all sang out of tune!" Bepsch just winked at me with a smile. He is really good looking. I think Jule and him broke up now. But Jule is too open with her love, I would get jealous if I was him. I think Richard knows that I like him, but who knows. Dieter is in my eyes dead. I still like him, but I'm not interested in him. I still like Volker too, but I don't want him as my boyfriend anymore.

May 11, 1981
Andy and I wrote invitations. I gave one to Richard today. He said "Oh" 3 times. Well, the day turned out to be worse than I thought at first. Andy is mad at me. I don't like to be called fatty. Especially not from my best friend. Cause even if she doesn't notice it, it does hurt me.

May 15, 1981
Andy and I are getting along again. I went back to her house the same day. We started our own family: Opa is Klaus. Dad and Mom are Thomas and Andrea, sister and brother-in-law is Bettina and Detlef. I asked Richard today if he's going to come to the party Sunday and he said yes. It would be super if he would end up in our family as well. At least as brother.

May 17, 1981
In a way I'm sad, but in a way...well, from the beginning: I had invited Bepsch. Yesterday I thought everything was going wrong, cause first Mama was wanting to go to the American Day in Wiesbaden, but didn't cause of her work. Then she saw how I took Andy on the back of my mofa and she wanted to ground me for a week. Well, I ended up pleading with her so I was allowed to go. At 1:30 pm they sent me to Enajat and at 1:45 pm Bepsch was supposed to show up. Right before that time he got there. He said hi and we went to Andy. Everyone got along with him great. At first we went inside of the Schutzhuette cause of the rain, later on the grass by the stream. We goofed around a little and I ended up getting Bepsch's sunglasses and put them on. Later we played Frisbee. When Richard wanted his glasses back I told him he couldn't have them. It was cute. When I drank, Andy took the glasses from me and gave them to him. Bepsch locked them up. I didn't want him to and ended up breaking his keychain. Now I'm going to get him a new one. I really miss Bepsch. I didn't even miss Volker that much.

May 21, 1981
Today I went to the pool again. Susi is lovesick, cause of Pit. I gave Richard the new key ring today. He was surprised. I still like him a lot. Even though I know I'm not going to be the lucky one. I can't keep my thoughts in check. He's too cute.

May 25, 1981
I talked to Sabine in school today, cause everybody was mad at me because of the test. I already talked to Regine. Both understand. I'm going to talk to Stefen on Friday. I went to the city this afternoon. I only ordered a pair of glasses. I'm going to pick them up next Monday. I met Stefan T. in the bus on my way home. He's a lot nicer than Nicole told me he was. Earlier today I went to Dudu. He doesn't like Bettina that much anymore, but is scared to break up with her. The way it looks, Richard doesn't like me too much. Easy is really ok. So now, my family tree: Opa: Klaus. Parents Andrea and Thomas and Thomas' brothers Ralf and Detlef J and wife Angela . Aunts: Carmen and Anita. Uncle Peter, aunt Susi and cousin Petra. Sister Bettina and brother-in-law Detlef B. That's all for now.

May 26, 1981
I can't wait till tomorrow. Aunt Traudel is coming. I hope she'll go swimming with me on Thursday. I called Dudu today. In a way I can understand him. He promised to be at the pool Thursday. I see Andrea less and less. Nobody bothers to notice me anymore. When I was mad and cried while we were at the pool, nobody even noticed. Oh well, I still like the family, and I hope that Dudu is still going to belong to the family, even if him and Betty break up. I just listened to the tape. I think I found my self-esteem again. I'm looking forward to the choir. I might start in the Aartallerchen choir. I have to check it out first. I want to go on a diet tomorrow. Let's see if it works this time. I have to do a lot of schoolwork. I still want to work on my book too and play a little bit guitar.

May 27, 1981
There isn't going to be any choir through summer vacation. I sold 4 plate pasta's yesterday. Aunt Traudel changed. Well, maybe I changed. I really like Susi. I feel sorry for Nicole. I think her brother is cool. Aunt Traudel brought me a curling iron. I hope she'll go with us to the pool sometime. I'm going to gym today for a change. Andrea changed a lot. I hope Nici will change for the better. I can't talk very good with Andy anymore. It was still great around Christmas time. I wish she would change back to how she was then. I love the family. It would be sad if they would push Dudu out of the family, cause then the family wouldn't be as good anymore. I would like to help Nicole.

May 28, 1981
I can't believe Nicole isn't allowed to go to gym, only cause she's already 17. Dumb. It was great yesterday. Uschi called yesterday while I was at the gym. She invited me to the Pfefferditschje. I was allowed to go till 10 pm. Herr Schneider called from the bar and I was allowed to stay till 11 pm, cause the food wasn't done till 10:30 pm. Frank N. and Uschi's sister Monika showed up too. The cooks name is Tilo. One woman there was Sabina. It was great. I would like to help Dudu to become a trustworthy boy, but if he doesn't want to, then I can't help him. Andrea and I are developing into strangers. Isy is already 20. A lot of people don't like Dudu. Like Andy, Isy and Betty, but I think he needs help, just like Nicole. Susi is great. Too bad about Andy. I sat there copying the address from our family. First she bitched about Dudu and then about Susi. She said she wouldn't be with Pit very much longer, cause she liked Dudu more, but that's not true. She really likes Pit. Andrea turned really stupid. She got mad at me cause I copied the addresses, so I took my LP and went to Nicole and cried on her shoulder. I think Nicole is a great friend. When I met Stefan in the Bus he told me he had an accident. As he left today I told him to watch out. Oh well!

May 29, 1981
I didn't talk to Steffen today. I canceled Richard for Sunday. He is a funny guy. I felt really icky at Toom this evening. After work I went to Nicole's. I drank tea with them. We talked about the war, about America and about Australia. I really like the family. Stefan might want to buy my stereo for 50,-DM. Andrea is 2nd. Stefan is going to borrow me the book "The never ending Story" he said he could borrow me LP's too. He's a real nice guy. I predict that the family is going to dissolve in thin air soon. I want to write a song about it, but it'll take me a little while. We're going to grill tomorrow. The next day I might go to a concert in Neuhof. Nicole and I wrote a Sketch today. I feel pretty good lately. Aunt Traudel is a lot like me, just like Mom always says and I'm proud of it.

May 30, 1981
This morning aunt Traudel drove to Kassel to uncle Jerry. Maybe I'll make my dream come true and one day move to America. Everything was ok at work today. After inventory I went to clean and then went to Andrea's garden. We barbecued. I had a super talk with Klaus. He knows Volker and after Volker, he's the 2nd person to ever ride my mofa. Stefan T. might by my stereo from me when I buy the stereo tower. This evening I went to visit Nicole. Stefan wasn't home. I brought Nicole a barbecued rib and she was happy. We sat on the balcony and played Think fix. Afterward we played Mau Mau. I get along less and less with Andy. She's so jealous. She even made it so Nicole can't get into the family. Susi, Petra, Carmen and I are thinking about leaving the family. I haven't seen Dudu in a long time. I'm not allowed to go to Neuhof tomorrow, but I'm going to the pool with Nicole. On Monday, Nicole and I are going to the city. She's going to buy a skirt at C&A and I'm going to pick up my glasses. Boys are like toilets...either they're occupied or they're shitty. However, an occupied toilet will get free sooner or later. But then it's shitty too.

May 31, 1981
Today I went to the pool with Nicole. We met the others from the gang there as well. Only Dudu didn't show. Surprisingly Andrea was actually nice. I wish it would stay that way, but who knows. A little bit ago I went to Nici's house. I brought Stefan those Jerry Cotton books. He told Nici to tell me thanks. I talked to him too and I think he's really nice. Tomorrow I'm getting my glasses. Just now I got done playing Dieters Telegame with Gerhard. Dieter O. was at the pool too today. He is nice. He told me that Herr Winkler is from East Germany. Now I know why he's so stupid. Stefan thinks he can repair my stereo. Maybe he'll buy it off of me for 50,-DM...we'll see. Oh yeah, I met Annette and Silvia VonStein at the pool too. Betty has a new boyfriend. His name is Michael. I think he's stupid. I can't wait till tomorrow, cause Nicole is going with me to the city.

June 1, 1981
On June 12th, I have to take 80,- DM with me to school. 30,-DM is for the drive. I have a bad report card, but I'll talk about that later. Michael, Nicole and I went to the city today. It was great weather and I hope it's going to stay that way. Nicole bought a really nice skirt at C&A. I got my glasses, drank a coke and ate an ice-cream. Later I went back to Nicole. Stefan played Skat and Pfoetchen with us. When we played Pfoetchen I won first and hit Stefan pretty hard over the fingers and ended up slipping, so then Stefan of course beat me over the fingers pretty hard as well. Stefan always goes to the Disco Amadei (it's a dance school). I had a great conversation with him. Ok, these are my grades: Math C+, Book keeping D, Money and payments C, EDV D-, German C, The working man D, The firm and it's place D+, Wirtschaft D. Stefan wants to look at the stereo tomorrow or the next day.

June 2, 1981
Today Peter at work asked me if I was going to visit him in his new place. I told him "No comment". Actually I think he's a pretty nice guy, but oh well, let's leave it at that. I just got back from Nicole. She taught me how to play officer skat. Afterward I taught her swim. Then Stefan got back and we played Skat and Ramsch. Later cheat. I love that game. Stefan is going to come by my house tomorrow cause of the record player. I like him a lot better than my brother. He was born on July 6th, 1961. Tomorrow I might end up going to the doctor cause of my stomach flu. I'll mark that maybe 10 times cause if I go, I won't be able to leave the house afterward. I'm looking forward to the Gardasee in Italy. Besides, Frau Papst wants to tell me when the try-outs are for the Aartallerchen, then I'm gonna go check it out. Jan asked me today in a flirting way if I was coming to the pool today, but I was going to go to Nici, right? Haha!

June 3, 1981
This morning Stefan came by. He fixed the record-player with two safety pins and a spring out of an ink-pen. It works! He doesn't want anything for it. I'm going to invite him to go eat Pizza with me. I'm going to write the coupon for it today. I'm looking forward to it. But I have to save some money. This afternoon I went to the pool when a thunderstorm started. Nici and I got home dripping wet. I changed my clothes and went straight over to Nici's house. Stefan borrowed the Abba record to me. I think deep down I have a thing going for him, but I'm wondering if I should let my brain say yes. Stefan went to the basement with me and borrowed some books too. Science Fiction from Playboy. They seem to be ok books. I came back home at 9:15 pm.

June 4, 1981
I didn't want to go to work today at all. I wanted to go to Nicole so badly. Besides, I had diarrhea so bad that all day I thought somebody was lighting my behind up. Oh well, I lived through the day after all. I went back to Nicole's house. Stefan and her were playing Boerse. Stefan had a small "bank account" build up behind his back. After they were done playing we just talked for a while. Stefan opened a bottle of beer. Nicole was supposed to get glasses, but she didn't feel like it, so I did. Stefan gave in to Nicoles begging and gave her just a tiny bit in her glass. He filled mine up. In a way that's pretty mean, but it was funny too and in a way he's right, cause the guest is king. Then Nicole went to eat and Stefan and I talked. He doesn't have a girlfriend yet, but he said there is a girl that he likes who could end up being his girlfriend. I gave Stefan the Tabasco that I found at Toom. Also, I told him that I wanted to go to a Pizza place with him and Nici. He said that he would take me for a ride in his car sometime. Maybe I'll buy him a case of beer for his birthday. I guess it depends on how much money I have available at the time. Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor. Let's see what he says.

June 5, 1981
Today I was really lame at work. Herr Winkler bitched at me when I got the water to clean in the evening. I finally bitched right back at him. He said: "You're always fast with the cleaning" and me: "I always go to change my clothes last, but since I just get my jacket and leave, I'm the first to leave the building." When I was leaving I ended up hollering over to him: "Did you see it now?" When I punched out I saw Tim E. and Peter B. Tim "Hi Piggy" Peter: "Leave the girl alone" Tim "I know her a little longer than you do" Peter: "But she's ok". Tim: "Yeah, but she could lose some weight". At that point I left. Stefan wasn't at home today. Too bad. I played Monopoly with Nicole and borrowed her High Life album. Mom bitched at me. I went to the doctor today and it's not catching!

June 6, 1981
Golly I was tired when I went home today. There are a lot of people shopping right before the holidays. But I was still nice to all of my customers. I only had nice customers today though. Tonight I went cleaning floors. For the last time! I only saw Stefan for a minute. When I told Nici that I wanted to go to the Pfannkuchenwiese in Bleidenstadt since there was Disco, she started to cry. She said she was going to be alone again. I did go anyway, but promised her I was going to come back. I met Dieter O. there. It was pretty nice. I ended up being back at Nicole's house at 8:30pm. We played Monopoly and left at 10:00 pm. Andy and Betty had a party. I went for a half hour, but it was dead.

June 7, 1981
I didn't get out of bed till after 10 am today. Shortly after 10:30 am I went to Nicole's house. Stefan was home. We already ate at 12:00. Around 2 pm Nicole and I went to the pool. I ended up with really bad pain in my stomach. I went home and Nicole stayed at the pool. When I went over to Nicole's at 6 pm I told Stefan that I wasn't sure about the Pizza place yet, cause of my pain. I hope it's nothing. I think I'll probably feel better tomorrow and we can still go to eat pizza. Stefan might drive us with his car if he still has enough gas. Oh well, we'll see. Nicole is allowed to stay out till 7:30 pm for that reason. Normally she has to be home by 6 pm.

June 8, 1981
Today Nici, Stefan and I went to the city. We drove with Stefan's Auto. Boy he goofed around so much I couldn't help but laugh the whole time. After we ate we went to the Golden Angel. We all drank two beer. When we got home to their house, we played Monopoly. Once going over the start and once pulling a card, Stefan gave me extra money. He also gave me money on other occasions. One time he even gave me 2000,-DM. I really like him and I think he's super. Oh well. Tomorrow I have to go to work...that on the other hand is everything but super. But I guess one has to do what one has to do. In the evening I will be going back to Nicole's. I think I might have a thing for Stefan. Who knows.

June 9, 1981
I worked again today..how I wish I would've been able to stay at home. I'll start at the beginning: This morning I really was looking forward to work. Lunch: I made 2 ribs, ate one and brought one to Nici. Who do I run into? Stefan. Just of a sudden, I didn't feel so much like working anymore. He didn't go to work today. This evening I went back to their house. We played Monopoly. I told Nicole I will write her every single day while being on vacation. Stefan and I set a time to get together at 5:30 pm tomorrow to play. Oh, he knows Gerhard from Moped driving. I want to get him a case of beer for his birthday, cause I'll have the money by then. What luck...I'm off tomorrow. I'm going to the textil SB.

June 10, 1981
Today I talked to uncle Jerry. I bought a skirt 2 bras and a t-shirt at Textil SB. This evening I went to the Metro with Gerhard. I bought a pair of shoes and a tape-recorder/Walkman. Stefan didn't have any time tonight. He forgot that it was his step-mom's birthday tomorrow and so he had stuff to do. I'll go back to Nici's house the day after tomorrow.

June 11, 1981
I was pretty hyper at work today, but I don't know why. After work I congratulated Frau T. for her birthday and set time to get together tomorrow with Nicole. We're going to go to school together tomorrow. I took my new tape-player and went for a drive on my mofa. I drove all the way to Watzhahn and drove back a hour later. It was 9:00 pm. I drove 20 km all together. It was great. I felt so free. Today the American guy from California came to the store again. I think I can communicate pretty good with him. I can't wait till I can visit America, but it'll still be a while.

June 12, 1981
It was really busy today at work. Oh well. I went to Nicole's house during lunch. Stefan was there too, but this evening he was gone. Stefan is starting to work at Toom Markt tomorrow. Nicole and I went to the Golden Angel. I accidentally broke a glass and didn't even have to pay for it. That's pretty much all that happened today.

June 13, 1981
Today I talked to Stefan during both of my brakes at work. He's working there now. This afternoon we all drove to eat dinner. We all means the whole family. I talked really good with uncle Jerry. I was thinking of my dear Opa today and I'm sad. I loved him a lot. Too bad that aunt Traudel and uncle Jerry have to leave again soon. To me, all of the people who are mean or have been mean are rotting in hell in the worst place of all. Michael Bender died today and went to hell as well.

June 14, 1981
Today I have a lot to talk about. This morning Nicole and I went on a picnic. She sat on the back of my mofa and we drove all the way to Watzhahn. Afterward we went to the Golden Angel and ate French Fries for lunch, cause my parents weren't home today. Later Nicole and I went to the pool. Dieter, Michael and Peter were there. Oh and Petra and Susi were there as well. Dieter was teasing me from the very beginning. But I already left at 4 pm. When I got home I watched the movie "The Lost Son" on TV. The movie was all about drugs. Then I went to pick up Nicole. She had already left. She told me that Dieter was teasing her by saying "ohhh, you got little hands" etc. When she told him that she was bitter, he told her he would have to make her sweet again and tried to kiss her. I wish I would've been there. Oh well. Nicole and I agreed that I should go over to her house after watching "The Waltons". I did go over there, but she wasn't allowed to do anything, cause she had to do something for work. So I drove around a bit and went to Neuhof and Orlen. I headed back home right around 8 pm. At least that's what I started to do, but almost right in front of the door I found a TV in the garbage and immediately my mind went to Stefan. I drove over to their house and he got his car and we drove over there. But he said the TV wasn't anything he could safe. He asked me to go with him for a beer and I did. It was too crowded at the Golden Angel, so we went to the Taunus. It was great. We talked about a whole bunch of junk, like our dreams, cars, people, Nicole, etc. Just of a sudden Herr Von Stein showed up. Today was a great day. Today Andi, Steffen R., Birgit H. and the Teens died for me.

June 15, 1981
Today the whole class went to the Holiday Park. Since I've already been there twice, I wasn't that excited. I strolled around with Michael, Baerbel and Melanie. We drove with: the Hightrain, Storytunnel, rollercoaster, boat. We went to the circus as well. I didn't have enough guts to go on the looping rollercoaster, cause I already felt like throwing up. On the way home I fell asleep and when I woke up, my shoes were gone. I took them off, cause my feet hurt. I brought two little souvenirs for Nicole and Stefan with birth-date and name on them. Both liked them, which made me happy. This evening I went to Nicole again. Later we played a round of Skat with Stefan. Then Nici and Stefan ended up in a fight. Both are so hard headed. Still, I think Stefan is cute. I only have to work tomorrow then I go on vacation.

June 16 1981
Today was my last day at work for three weeks. The day went by quickly. I just got back from Nicole's house. Stefan was just leaving as I got there. I talked to Nicole for a little while and I wrote a song. Then I went into Stefan's room, jumped on his bed and started to read. A case of beer is 13,-DM. I have to see if I will buy one for his birthday. Last night we had a thunderstorm. I want to write an action story now. Let's see how it'll go.

June 17, 1981
Nothing was really going on today, except that I went to the Taunus with Nicole.

June 18, 1981
Today was a great day. Especially this afternoon. AT first, Nicole, Stefan and I went to the Taunus. We met Karin and Yvonne (Cat). We drove with them to Wiesbaden to a bar, to the Walk-zone and then back home. At about 6 pm we were in Bleidenstadt at the casino, but they made Nicky leave, so Stefan, Nicky and I left. I went to Nicky's house around 7:30 pm. We did some cross-words and around 8 pm Stefan came back. Around 8:30 pm Stefan and I started to play-fight. It was so much fun. I'm looking forward to the next visit at T's. I only was that close friends with three boys: Stefan, Michael from Wehen and Jakob from Ruedesheim. But Jakob was just a boy I met while I was in Ruedesheim with the Choir. We're leaving tomorrow. Stefan is cute!

June 19, 1981
I'm homesick to Nicky and Stefan, but otherwise it's pretty here. There are a lot of cute boys here too!

June 20, 1981
Right beside us lives a little girl whose name is Nicole. Her parents are really nice, as well as the uncle and aunt. It was really cold last night. I want to go home..I don't like it here.

June 21, 1981
Little Nicole is going on my nerves. I'm writing a letter to Nicky every day.

June 22, 1981
This morning, Mom said we were going to drive home... tomorrow.. cool! We went to Milano today. It's pretty nice there. The neighbors are trying to talk us into staying here, but we already packed our stuff. I'm looking forward to seeing Nicky and Stefan!

June 23, 1981
I have a really bad case of the shits! I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. The drive home was really boring. I went to Nicky after I got home. We were both happy to see each other. Andrea told her that I have a crush on Stefan and that I was her friend only for Stefan's sake... what a dumb goat. I ended up telling Nicky in front of Stefan, that I see Stefan as a close friend and nothing more, and I'm pretty sure that that's the truth, but I'm not a hundred percent for sure. Nicky might get operated on her foot. I witnessed something today that made me wanna take Nicky and throw her against the wall. How could she hurt her Mom that way. I wouldn't want her as a daughter that's for sure. I would love to have Stefan for my brother. Oh well, it isn't so it wasn't meant to be. Nicky is coming to my house, typing on the typewriter, tomorrow.

June 24, 1981
I went to the doc today. I brought something home from Italy. Nicky's Dad came back home today. Nicky is going to the hospital for her foot tomorrow. That sucks.. then it's going to be really boring again. I'm going to visit her as much as I possibly can. I'm going to the city with Andrea tomorrow. At least I'll have someone tomorrow and won't be bored. Ok, now I'm going to write a story for Nicole. I'm looking forward to the first day that I can visit her. I really like Nicole. Stefan too. I think the last time I had as good of friends was in earlier years. I wrote letters on the typewriter with Nicole today. She has to show them to her Dad.

June 25, 1981
I went to the city with Andrea today. We rode with Gerhard and back home with the bus. We pretty much went everywhere. They had a clearance sale at the Fashion-Point. I bought a really cool pair of coveralls. When I dried it on, a really cute boy stood a few feet from me. When I asked Andrea if she thought I should buy them, he looked at me and smiled. He had a short College haircut and was cute. He worked there and put them in a bag for me and said bye. I left pretty fast. The size of the pants are on the outside... 30-34. When we got home, Andrea and I played horse with my bed. We really went nuts. I went to T's house around 5:15 pm and asked Stefan where the clinic is. (Moosbacher Street). As I left, Mr. T. called me back. We talked about Nicole and Mr. T. said I had my heart at the right place. I'm really proud of that. He gave me the visiting times of the hospital as well. I spent this evening with Andy again. I had a fight with her, but I had to make up with her, cause to whom should I turn if I'm fighting with her? Stefan is going on vacation next week.

June 26, 1981
I was supposed to meet Karin at the Taunus today and finally met up with Manuela again for a change. I picked Manuela up, we went to the Taunus and then we just flipped around. I went to visit Nicky today.

June 27, 1981
We're going to Kiel on Monday. Everything was just like yesterday (Manuela). And I visited Nicky again.

June 28, 1981
I packed my suitcase this morning and afterward I spent time with Manuela.

June 28, 1981(br) This place is pretty quiet and away from everything. Timmy, the cat, and Teddy, the dog, like me. I went to the beach with Teddy. Liane is a very nice woman (she's 26 years old), and Janin, her daughter, is really cute.

June 30, 1981
It was a relaxing day today. Nothing happened either though.

July 1, 1981
I went to Lindhoeft with Teddy today and talked to Petra Engeland on the phone. She's coming to her Dad's at the end of the month. I can't wait. I bought a dress, a blouse and a purse in the city today. while standing at the register two Punks were 10 cent short on their purchase, so I gave them the 10 cent.

July 2, 1981
We drove back home today. I went to the Night Star right away. The DJ came to me and told me I could choose a song. I chose "Stars on 45". I met Connie there and I got introduced to Gabi, Gabi, Manuela and the American girl Martina from New York. I ended up requesting Robert Palmer too before I drove home.

July 3, 1981
I went to the Golden Angel with Manuela today. Stefan said he wanted to come, but his car ended up not working right. We ended up finding that out as we drove home. He invited me to his birthday. Manuela can come as well. Besides that nothing happened.

July 4, 1981
Stefan, Manuela and I went to the Golden Angel today. It was really great. He ended up telling us that we can't come on his birthday after all, cause his Mom is planning on a family evening that day. Oh well, Manuela and I are still going to stop by for a minute anyway.

July 5, 1981
I went to the Gibber Fair...that was already it.

July 6, 1981
I had a really weird dream last night. Stefan caressed me on my tummy...what an idiot dream. I went to Stefan's birthday today (with Manuela). He came to get the stereo before that and I wished him a Happy Birthday at that point. I gave him a 6-pack of beer and a card. When I brought him the part for the stereo later, he invited me to the Golden Angel for tomorrow at 8 pm. When I stood in front of his door to give him the part he said: "You're a sweetheart." I had to try hard not to laugh. Mama thinks I'm Stefan's girlfriend, but I explained to her that he's only a good friend. I can't wait till tomorrow.

July 7, 1981
Today I was supposed to meet Stefan, but since I went there with Manuela I realized a half hour early that the bar was closed. We drove to Stefan and decided we were going to meet in the city. Afterward we went to the Pub and since I didn't care for it, we went to the Evergreen and played pool. At 9:45 pm we drove to my house. Stefan and Manuela stayed till 11 pm. It was great.

July 8, 1981
It was a great day today. I went swimming with Manuela in the morning. Stefan, Trixie and Reinhard were there as well. This evening I took pictures of everyone except for Reinhard. At first we went to the Golden Angel. I bought a round and Manuela and I drank sisterhood. Trixie and Stefan did too. Trixie is a nice gal. I wish the clique would stay this way..without Andrea, cause I get along with everyone like they were my sisters and brothers. And: nothing is going on..all of us are just friends. When I got home I got shocked though, cause Trixie and Manuela were supposed to been home by 10 pm. 20 minutes after, the first call came. Where is Manuela? I told her Dad that everyone went to the Night Star. Then the next call.. where is Trixie. If Stefan was still there. I told them the same thing as before. I was worried.. the way Stefan drives... something could've happened. I ended up calling Mrs. Trebus and she called the Night Star. Stefan was still there.. Thank God! I'm still shaking.

July 9, 1981
I went swimming again today. I met Manuela there and Stefan was there as well. But he was really weird today. I didn't like him today, but I was mean to him too. I was really cold and made stupid remarks. I'm sorry about that. I think it was a mistake that I told his Mom where they were last night. I think Stefan and Trixie are really mad at me.

July 10, 1981
I drove to Oma today. Manuela might sleep over here tomorrow night. I'm going to go to the pool tomorrow and in the evening I'll go to the Schiersteiner Harborfest. I think Stefan and Trixie are still mad at me. I'm going to try to get everything back to normal.

July 11, 1981
Manuela is lying right beside me. I think Atz (Detlev) and Manuela end up together. At the Harborfest, it started to rain. We were trying to find Oma, but didn't find her. After we were soaking wet, we ran to the bus. The bus we took had a really nice driver. Oma didn't get home until 11:30 pm. We were really worried.

July 12, 1981
Starting today, Manuela and Detlev are a couple. Detlev and I went to the Harborfest again today. I won a glass and bought two buttons. I spent this evening in the castle park right across the street from Camp Pieri.

July 13, 1981
I'm going home tomorrow. This morning, I stayed here playing cards with Oma. In the afternoon we went to the city. I ended up going to a movie. The movie was called "The World Champion" It was a pretty good movie. In the evening around 10 pm I went across the street from Camp Pieri and parked in a parking spot so I could watch the fireworks from the Harborfest. I ended up talking on the CB with Trempes, Forget-me-not, Matterhorn, Pepperoni and Sautus. And I met them too. It was pretty cool.

July 14, 1981
So today I'm home again. I went out with Manuela right away. We were going to go to the Golden Angel, but it was closed, so we went to the Libertas. Detlev ended up coming too. Nothing much going on there during school vacation though. Some weird guy by the name of Guenther ended up hitting on me. It's some kind of car-thief. I have to go visit Nicky again.

July 15, 1981
Nicky came back.. what a surprise. Manuela and I went out again tonight. At first we drove to the Golden Angel. Afterward we were going toward Night Star. I ended up turning in a forest road and my chain jumped off. We both tried to get it back on, but we didn't make it. We ended up walking on the side of the street, trying to hitch-hike, but I was going to try one more time and click...it jumped in. Then we drove over a parking lot over a big hump and Manuela was holding on for dear life. Then Detlev came. Once inside I was wishing Stefan was here and send that wish out three times and at 9 pm who was standing there? Stefan! When I made a request to the DJ and Manuela and Detlev were outside, the DJ said: "Robby for the both of you". He meant Robert Palmer. I had to laugh so hard. Manuela, Nicky and Stefan are going to come to the grill party.

July 16, 1981
I went to Nicole's house today, but nothing major happened. Most of the day (till about 4 pm) I ended up washing and drying.

July 17, 1981
Nicky gave me the following letter when I was over there today: "Hi Monika! I think I will have to talk to you. You don't even realize how often you spent your time over here in Stefan's room. You befriended his friends. You end up in my brother's room most of the time you come over to see me. Tell me, you think that is good? Don't try to deny it. If you think it's cool then tell me why and if you don't tell me why anyway. Please write an answer to this letter and make a date with me when we can talk about this whole situation. And only the two of us alone. I think it would be best if we would go to your house. So think about this whole thing, ok? Nicole." I wrote her a letter back. I ended up talking about it with Stefan, Jutta and Trixie. I hope it's out of the way now. Stefan and I ended up play-fighting again and I ended up not getting any air for a while. I also ended up with a black and blue spot.

July 18, 1981
I spent my time with Jutta, Stefan and Nicky today. I think Jutta and Stefan are a couple.

July 19, 1981
I wanted to go to Nicole's house this evening, but I had big time problems with my parents and was only allowed to go from 8:30 to 9:00 pm.

July 20, 1981
I went to work again today. Christina is born on the same day as me. Stefan drove into a ditch today. He was pretty done for. Michael is really nice. Martina too. She was born June 66 and Michael was born August 63.

July 21, 1981
Work was terrible this morning. I went to Nicole's house around noon for my lunch-period. Work was better in the afternoon. I went back to Nicole's in the evening. She's mad cause Stefan invited me for his late birthday party on August 1st.

Here is a funny game: Ask the first set of questions first, then use the answers and read out the second set of questions with the answers from the first set of questions.
1. Do you like going to the movies?
2. Do you have money?
3. What is your favorite name of the opposite sex?
4. What is your lucky number?
5. What is your favorite part of your face?
6. What's your favorite color?
7. What is your favorite name of the same sex?
8. What is your favorite number from 1 - 100?
9. Do you like listening to music?
10. Where do you like to sleep?
11. What is another name for infant?
12. Do you like dancing?
13. Why?
1. Do you always tell the truth?
2. Have you kissed someone?
3. Who?
4. How many times?
5. Where?
6. What color was your face?
7. What's the name of your best friend?
8. How many times have you been in love?
9. Have you had sex?
10. Where?
11. What was the aftermath?
12. Are you going to do it again?
13. Why?

July 22, 1981
I was off today and spent most of the day with the others. I was gone pretty much all day. Mom told me not to stay out too late.

July 23, 1981
Nothing new today.

July 24, 1981
This morning was like always. This evening I went to Trebus'. Stefan has worries. He doesn't have enough money. His car is broke. He needs new brakes and he still owes money to his parents cause of the insurance. I would like to let him keep the money for the stereo, but Mom keeps asking if he already paid me. Maybe I can get the money somehow so he at least has some time to pay me. He said he could just buy himself a robe. I told him he was stupid. At the end we ended up play-fighting again. Later I asked him if he was able to forget his worries and he said that he did. When I was leaving he kissed me on the cheek and said thanks. I never had a male friend that I was that close to. He's a great friend.

July 25, 1981
They canceled the grillfest. Instead, Michael H, Stefan, Manuela, Detlev, Jutta, Trixie, and I went out. We went to the Sports-bar. I think I fell for Michael. He's really nice and a great personality. Every time I fall it's the same, but yet, it's different. And as older I get as better it gets. Michael H is going to be 18 in August. I asked him if he was going to come to the Night Star with us, but he didn't know how he was going to get home so he couldn't. He said he would in a couple of days. He would have more time then too. Detlev thinks Michael likes me too. He likes the same kind of foods as me and I think we could get along great.

July 26, 1981
Today I talked to Nicole and I can understand her. Stefan told me where Michael lives. I want to call him tomorrow. Detlev thinks he likes me too. It would be the second time that someone likes me the same as I like him from the beginning.

July 27, 1981
I called Michael today. I think his Dad is pretty nice. At least he was on the phone. We might be able to meet in the city Wednesday. I'm supposed to call him back tomorrow around noon. Manuela and I went out to eat Pizza today.

July 28, 1981
Petra England got back today. First we went to Stefan. Afterward we just drove around and ended up at the Pub.

July 28, 1981
I went to Wiesbaden today. I bought a lot. Micha, Reinhard, Stefan, Trixie, Jutta, Holger (slimy) and I met at 5 pm. We had a lot of fun. I think Michael likes me just as much as I like him. I think Stefan knows what's going on now, cause he kept making dumb remarks. Trixie was taking pictures and said that Michael needs someone on his lap, so Stefan said he's not going to find anyone...then he looks at me and said "Or is he?"..

July 30, 1981
I was gone again today. At first at Nicole's house. Stefan wasn't there, even though Michael, Stefan, Jutta and I were supposed to meet. So I went to the telephone booth and called Michael. He was wanting to call me at Trebus' as soon as someone came to his house. So I went back to her house, but he never called. I have problems at home, cause I keep going out every night. Stefan has problems with his parents too.

July 31, 1981
I still have trouble. I went to Wiesbaden today. But I will start from the beginning. I went to Nicole's house after work. Stefan and Jutta were there as well. I didn't stay very long though, cause I wanted to call Michael. So I did just that and he answered the phone. Some Turkish guy by the name of Hackl wanted to know who I was (he was at Michael's house). Michael gave him the phone and I had to talk to Hackl. We ended up meeting at the Ring church and drove to the Kentucky. Afterward we went to Michael's house. After that we drove to the Weberstueble.

August 1, 1981
I started my second year in my Teachings today. Stefan went to the flea-market in Mainz today. Around 6:30 we all met at the Pizza place. Micha too. At 8 pm the others went to Wiesbaden cause of Trixie's brother Michael W. Manuela and I ended up going to the Pub and then home to my house. Stefan ended up in trouble with his parents. Mrs. Papst pulled me in the kitchen and told me that she overheard that I liked Michael and I should leave him alone. She said she was just trying to be nice, cause Michael was sick and could only live with the help of pills. What business is that of hers? At first I got a shock, but afterward I thought about everything and now I know why Micha gets drunk easy. But Micha is sooo nice, and I can't just say I won't see him anymore, I won't like him anymore, just because of that. If you love someone, you can't do that. And to tell the truth, I don't want to. I won't meet a Michael everyday.. he's got a really nice character. Who cares about the pills.

August 2, 1981
I went to the movies with Nicole and Manuela today. We watched the dry diver (with Luis DeFines). Afterward we went to the Ice-cream parlor. Then Manu went home and I went to Nicole's house. Oh yeah, Detlev the asshole is going out with Petra J. now. I wanted to talk to Stefan privately when I was there, but Nicole wanted to be there too. So we all ended up fighting. Nicole threw the door shut and her Dad came downstairs and threw Jutta, Stefan and me out. We went for a drink and when we came back afterward, Stefan went in his house for a minute and when he came back out his shirt was ripped and he was crying. Jutta asked what was wrong (they're engaged now) and he said he was supposed to leave for good. And his mom ripped his shirt. As I was leaving, his Mom came out and I ended up in Nicole's room and cried. Mr. Trebus ended up looking at me in hatred. Like I was a spider or something. Stefan and Jutta went to her house where they're going to sleep for the next while. Mrs. Papst wants to talk to me. Micha has a bad foot and his kidneys are bad. Stefan said that Hackl likes me a lot, but I don't like him one bit. There are several reasons for this. 1: he's really weird, 2: He's thinks he's all that, 3: He's Turkish and my parents would kill me, 4: He talks too much about having experience and most important #5. Michael is 1000 times better.

August 3, 1981
Went to Nicole's house after work. Stefan is still in a fight with his parents.

August 4, 1981
Stefan is not fighting with his parents anymore, but now Nicole has problems.

August 5, 1981
I ended up wiping out with my Moped, but I didn't really get hurt. The meeting is off.

August 6, 1981
I ended up being hurt after all and the doc told me to stay home from work. People at work are mad at me.

August 7, 1981
Tomorrow Manuela is having a grillfest. Michael, Stefan and Jutta want to come too.

August 8, 1981
I went to the grillfest at Manuela's house today. It was pretty boring. Micha didn't show. I was shocked today. Manuela said she would go out with Michael at any time. Shit! Now I have to think of what to do. I can't just sit there and wait and let her take him away from me. I would like to be his girlfriend. I shouldn't tell Manu so much about him. But then, I guess if he likes her better than me there's not much I can do about it. After all, he's not mine. Besides, I couldn't be mad at him anyway. Stefan and I drove to Wiesbaden together to bring Jutta home.

August 9, 1981
Nothing happened about the Magic. I asked Stefan for help in regards to Michael. He told me to do what I was going to do yesterday... call him and talk to him.. just him and me. I hope Stefan won't say anything to anybody. I wouldn't be mad at Micha if he liked Manu better. I guess I'm just dumb... I know that. Oh well.

August 10, 1981
Michael is coming with the bus tomorrow. I feel weird, but I'm looking forward to it. I hope everything goes well. Nicole is going to the hospital tomorrow. I got a letter from Sabine Steglich today. I'm starting to go to the choir today (Aartallerchen).

August 11, 1981
I talked to Micha really cool today. At first I was too afraid to really tell him why I wanted to talk, but he knew. You can imagine the rest.. like always!

August 12, 1981
I went to Wiesbaden today. Michael didn't have any time today. In the evening I went for a drink with Stefan. I went to visit Nicole while I was in Wiesbaden.

August 13, 1981
I got to be in a new class in school and I love it. It was ok at work too. I went to Wiesbaden with Michael, Stefan and Manuela. We went to the Weberstueble. It was great.

August 14, 1981
I worked again today. The pool-fest is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. Michael went to some kind of Seminar and won't be back until Sunday.

August 15, 1981
I stayed at the pool-fest till 12:30 am. I danced Discofox with Stefan and I think I learned it pretty good. Frank got really drunk. Well, that was already pretty much it..except, Carmen and I helped with the fireworks and got a free beer for it.

August 16, 1981
I went to the pool today. I met Frank N there. He told me he thought that he could work with me. what in the world he meant with that.. who knows!

August 16, 1981
I was off today. I wrote some letters and then in the evening I went to Stefan's and he showed me some magic tricks.

August 17, 1981
Went to Taunus with Stefan today..that's already it. I have a new nickname..Micky.

August 18, 1981
Went to work and this evening to the Taunus with Manuela.

August 19, 1981
Went to school this morning and afterward went to the city. Micha didn't have any time today. Reinhard wasn't home. I went to Stefan's house this evening.

August 20, 1981
I have to write to Sabine S today. I went to school again today, afterward to work and then to Trebus'. They had a fight yesterday.

August 21, 1981
I sang with the choir today and went straight home after.

August 22, 1981
I went to Michael's birthday today. He liked my present. His parents are really nice. I talked to his mother and later with Jutta. Just of a sudden Jutta told Michael that I wanted to dance with him. There was a slow-dance playing. I danced with him 3 times. I engraved an M in my arm. Micha said he would drink brotherhood with me next week at my party. I really like him. I hope we end up together after all. I already wrote about the talk we had. He doesn't want another girlfriend cause he got hurt bad. But with me he wouldn't get hurt. I hope... love can hurt. Oh well, I guess that's how you learn to have patience. Or is it a test? I don't know.

August 23, 1981
Besides the fact that Stefan and Jutta ended up in a fight and that this icky Michael E. kept asking me to dance, I had a good time at Micha's party. I danced slow-dance with him. I got home at 10:30 pm today.

August 24, 1981
I was off today.

August 25, 1981
Was off again today.

August 26, 1981
I was in school today. It was great as always. I didn't have to work today.

August 27, 1981
Boy I'm tired. I was in school this morning and then had to work this afternoon. My party is Sunday. Can't wait for Micha!

August 28, 1981
I think Manuela needs a boyfriend. I would be happy... well you know what.

August 29, 1981
I miss Michael. I haven't seen him in a week. Oh well, I will see him Sunday again. Reinhard and Marthina are together now. I don't think they will last. Manuela and I went to Taunus again. Michael C. was there with Michael H. (Bull). Manuela started something with Harold yesterday. Now she seems to want something from Micha C. How can she? That's not the way she should behave. I don't want her to end up hurt again. I know one thing: I won't give up on Micha. At least I can trust him. Gerhard thinks I'm after Stefan and says I'm going to turn out like Jacky. Whatever.. I just want to be Michael's girlfriend.

August 30, 1981
Wow that was great. At first I thought my party would be a flop, but then...I now have 13 brothers and sisters... only by hood, but still. Michael is super. Manu and Hakke were together the whole time. The party was a hit!

August 31, 1981
Yesterday was wonderful.

September 7, 1981
Stefan went out with us today.

September 8, 1981
I was off today. I washed clothes. Nicole was at my house the whole time. Later we went to the music-shop. Manu, Stefan and myself went to the Taunus later and afterward drove to Wiesbaden and then back again to the Taunus. Just of a sudden this cute guy came in (blonde hair, a beginning of a mustache) and put money in the jukebox. The money got stuck and I helped him get it to work. He thanked me and let me choose a song.

September 9, 1981
I went to school again today. This afternoon I went to the city and bought Cowboy-boots. Stefan brought me there and I hitchhiked back home. This evening,Manu, Stefan and I went to the Taunus. I miss having someone. I want to see the boy from yesterday again.

September 14, 1981
Today was super! Manuela and Stefan came over. We listened to music and talked. I relaxed by leaning on Stefan's shoulder. Later I opened my "bed" up and we ate ice-cream. (own production). Afterward Stefan and I cuddled... just because.. harmless.

September 15, 1981
I was off today. Nobody was there. Oh well, what the heck. It was really really boring.

September 16, 1981
Went to the Taunus with Manuela today. We ended up sitting with some guys. I liked Michael L. from the beginning. His birthday is on January 8th. He's 18 years old and likes the Bee Gees. I'm going to see him again Tuesday. He's cute!

September 17, 1981
I had to stay home today. Nothing much happened.

September 18, 1981
I cut Manuela's hair today. It doesn't look bad. Nothing new besides that.

September 19, 1981
I miss Michael. Koppeln is so far away. He's so cute. I haven't heard from Michael H. for a long time. There's nothing going on in that direction. I'm free. I will see Michael again Tuesday.

September 22, 1981
I talked about Michael before. I saw him again today. I wish he wouldn't live so far away. Tomorrow, Manu, Micha, and Karsten will come to my house. I said Solo on Sunday, but I don't think so. Micha has a tenderness I love. He is so sweet. Now that I'm back home I feel so alone. I never felt like this before. When I'm with him I feel so safe. Like nothing can happen to me. I'm going to write a song. I never felt like this before in my life.

September 23, 1981
Today, Micha, Manu and Karsten came to my house. It was nice. They stayed till 10:30 with 3 bottles of beer,and a bottle of wine. I took some pictures. Micha is so cute. We met at the building site. I'm in love. I'm scared to lose him, and that he lives so far away. I don't like it.

September 24, 1981
It was a nice day again today. I went to school this morning. The first hour I had a test. I almost got an A. We were allowed to go outside after we were done. After school I drove to Manu, but she wasn't there. I met Micha. We went to a little corner store where they all ate. I talked to Micha and he bought me a pop. When we said goodbye he gave me a kiss. He's so cute. We arranged to meet later. I'm going to take Tina with me. It was nice, but too short. I took pictures. He's leaving again tomorrow. I miss him already. He said he's going to stay here next weekend. I'm looking forward to it.

September 25, 1981
Adelheid gave notice today. Hooray! I miss Michael sooo much. He left today. I wish he would live close by. Too bad. I really like him a lot. I wish I didn't have to part from him...ever. I know I will never forget him. He's the first who really means a lot to me. I wish I would work with the same company, so we could be together all day long. I told Nicole about Micha today. I don't want to brag with him, I just had to tell someone. He's so cute. I don't ever want to lose him.

September 26, 1981
I miss Michael. Tina was here today. I want to see Micha again.

September 27, 1981
I can't wait till tomorrow.

September 28, 1981
Today was very nice. We were out (Micha, Manuela and myself.. the three M's). It was great. I love Micha. He wanted to take me with him to Berlin, but Mom would never allow that. He said he's going to come here on his bad weather time off in the winter.

September 29, 1981
it was very nice. Bettina, Micha and I were at the Taunus, and then at the ice-cream parlor. Then Tina went home and Micha and I went back to the Taunus. Micha is sweet. I love him.

September 30, 1981
I went to Trebus' with Michael. Nicole said that Micha is cute. Well, he is! Then Stefan, Claudia, Micha and I went to my house. We hugged when Mom suddenly came in. She didn't say nothing, not later either, but Dad was mad. Mom gave me a friendship ring. I will get the other one for my birthday. I'm going to give that one to Micha.

October 1, 1981
I went to Micha today. First to the building site, then to Tannenburg where he lives. I don't ever want to lose him. He said it was ok if I'd give him the ring. I love him. He got a paper from the military. I hope he doesn't have to go. I don't want him to go!

October 2, 1981
Today Michael went back home. He wants to stay here next weekend. He's cute!

October 3, 1981
Today Toom market had a big party. I paid for a round. I miss Micha.

October 4, 1981
It's Sunday today. Micha is coming back tomorrow. I can't wait to see him again. The day after tomorrow is my birthday.

October 5, 1981
Michael came to Toom market this morning. Mom is a little sick. I went to Michael during my break. This evening we will see each other at the Taunus. It was nice. I love him. I will give him the ring tomorrow.

October 6, 1981
Today it's my birthday and my day off. Papa congratulated me first. Then Mom, then Oma. I went to Toom and got a cake. In the evening we all went to the Taunus. Michael L congratulated me with a kiss. I love him. He has the ring around his neck on a chain. I was a little tipsy for the first time in my life.

October 7, 1981
We had cake in school.. everything else still the same.

October 20, 1981
I wasn't too lazy to write. I'm going for my big test at work tomorrow. But something else: Micha surprised me today. At first he was really tired when I went with him, and I was mad, cause he didn't come to the Taunus with me and said he was going straight to bed. Everybody else left at 9 pm for home. Micha, Karsten and I were still there. We went outside a little later to say goodbye. (We're together for a whole month already). Then a little before 10 he asks: "So what are we doing now?" and we went to the Taunus. Great! I love him. I hope my kids will let me know everything, even things like that.

October 31, 1981
Today is a big day for me. I realized something today that hurts me bad. I realized that the boys I talked about before... I didn't love those... I threw myself on my bed today and started to cry.. just of a sudden. Then I talked to my Teddybear pretending it was Michael: "I want to always be there for you. I want to cook for you, clean for you and I don't ever want to lose you." I wish I could just sit in a train and go see Micha. I don't know how he feels, but I think I belong to him. I would give everything up, just so I wouldn't have to lose him. I can truly say that I love him. And he's worth it. When I have to think that soon he won't be here anymore at all, I have to cry. The world is going to stop turning for me.

November 18, 1981
I think the thing with Michael was only a nice dream with a good awakening. Good, because I learned something. Otherwise I would have to say with a terrible awakening. I still love Michael a lot, but a few days ago I loved him more than myself. He disappointed me..very much so. He promised me he would go to Wiesbaden with me, and when I tried to pick him up today, he wasn't there. He went to the Frankfurt airport and the zoo with the others. I could've killed him. It was the same when he promised me twice he would stay for the weekend and he never did. And he gave me some stupid ass excuse about a letter from the military and he didn't have the money to stay. I was looking forward to it so much. This evening I asked him if he would come with me to my house and he said he couldn't because Ralf took the keys with him. I'm starting to believe that Heinz said the truth about him having another girl and that he gave the chain to her. That he's just playing with me. But I won't let anyone play with me and so I think it would've been better if Michael and I would've never met.

November 19, 1981
Micha told me today that he fell in love with me.

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