May 2, 1980
I bought this diary, cause I feel so lonely right now. Since I've lived in Taunusstein, I haven't had many real friends. My "friend" Jacqueline never tells me the truth and can't even help me in times of trouble. Diane told me yesterday that I should stand more to my own beliefs and that's what I'm trying to do now. I want to have a loving, trusting friendship with someone. When Andrea, Diane, Rainer and myself played Truth or Dare yesterday and Rainer had to give me a kiss on the cheek, I changed just of a sudden. Like Rainer kissed all of my happiness away. For the first time in my life I really thought about myself and came to the conclusion that I need to lose weight, and get a boyfriend. I would love to have Matthias or Thomas for a boyfriend. I also like Eckhard and Michael. My parents don't understand me when it comes to boys. I don't know why. I think they're just scared for me, but they don't have to be. If they could understand me in regards to boys, I could talk to them about everything, cause I really love my parents, even if I could send them to the moon every now and then. I just got a postcard from Jacky from Mallorca. I would really like to be her "real" friend. I could talk to her about a lot of problems. Then I would be empty for a change. That would be a great feeling. I would like to put my ad in the Bravo- Treffpunkt. I will stay at home for the rest of today and do some sports. I weigh 161 lbs and I would like to get to 137lbs. I know one thing: I will never show this diary to anyone but my future boyfriend. Nobody else.
(Later) I did end up going to Andrea's house after all and then went to Annette for almost 3 hours. She wanted to go swimming with me tomorrow, but I have my Period, so that doesn't work. Mom was happy about the Sarah Kay place mats I bought. But she said I spent too much money. I will buy her stuff more often now. On Sunday we have flea market in Wiesbaden, maybe I'm allowed to go with Annette if we don't end up going out to eat. I found out today that incent stinks. I'm still waiting for mail from Thomas, Eckhard and the others from the class 9b in Hachenburg. I still have to write Claudia, cause I promised her. Rainer told me today that Wiesbaden is on top of a big Gas bubble. Other than that nothing much happened. Von Stein's hate Rita!
May 3, 1980
I just got up and ate. I still have my period. That means I'm not going swimming either. Too bad! I'll see, maybe I'll be with Annette all day again today, but first I want to help Mama. I don't know why, but I like helping my Mom now. I ate two pieces of bread and two pieces of cake today. I don't want to eat anything tonight. I want for my Mom to be my friend. Then I would have a nice friendship again. Mama wants to eat Doctor Kausa (a diet thing) with me every Saturday and Sunday. I can lose weight doing that. So, now I'm going to do the dishes. Today was a wonderful day. First I was with Rita. I noticed that she's a pretty good friend to me. This afternoon and this evening I filled the dishwasher. After lunch I went to the basement and cleaned it all up. Rita helped me. Annette cried when I told her I wasn't able to go swimming with her, cause I still had my period. But she quit again too and we decided to go next week. Silvia is my sweetie. Rita will baby-sit 2 or 3 more times and then I'm taking over. Tomorrow I'm going to the flea-market with the Steins. I won't have any time in the morning. I have to leave at 8:00 am. I hope it won't rain, cause if it does we won't go. I still didn't get any mail from Thomas. Today we played school in Sylvia's room and I was Thomas. We cleaned up till 10:30 pm. I can't wait till tomorrow. Maybe I get to see Thomas if he happens to be there too, but I kinda doubt it even though the flea-market goes till 4:00 pm. Today Mama yelled at me a little but I want to forget this really quickly. I hope everything is going good for me again now. I want to look really sexy tomorrow.
May 4, 1980
Man, what a day. I got up at 8:00 am, made two cans of tea, 3 pieces of bread and 4 Knaecke breads, got dressed and then carried the stuff for the flea-market outside. My Mom drove me and the Steins. Time flew while I was there. Too bad I didn't see Thomas though...but I made 174.60 DM. I had to give 18,-DM of that to Gerhard for his LP's and I gave 10,-DM to Herr Stein for taking me. I will put 105,-DM of the rest in a Savings Account. At 6:00 pm I watched the Waltons and then Rita came to my house. I broke my promise and let her read my diary, but I won't let her see it again. I traded a pair of pants, a blouse and two skirts with her. At the flea-market Sylvia and Frank hung on me like leaches. I don't have any homework.
May 5, 1980
Today I had to go to school again. I participated in GL a little. PE actually was a little fun today. After school I went shopping with Annette. At Toom-Markt I went shopping for Mothersday. I bought a package of glasses (3 of them) and just gave them to her... just because, I have six more for Mothersday. I ate ice-cream with Annette and a Blaetterteig. I had to get a loaf of bread and some paperwork for Mom. Later Rita came over and we changed my room around to a girls paradise. Now I think my room looks really cool. At 8:15 pm Ulrike came over. She stayed till 9:00 pm. Now I have to go take a bath, cause I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. I still want to get the kitchen cleaned up too, but I can do this after 10:00 pm too. Rita is a little too rough and nosy, but other than that, she's pretty good. I traded with her again today. My favorite people right now are Annette and Rita. Tomorrow I have to get up at 6:30 am. Today I called Gudrun and Eckhard. Neither of them were home. I want to try again after I take a bath. I still didn't write Claudia. I'm going to write Thomas again and for the mail from the class 9b in Hachenburg I'm still calling today. One thing I really like: the daily fighting with Mom is gone. Maybe I can show her the diary when I'm 15 or 16. I guess it depends on if she "deserves" it or not. If not, I guess I can't help it. Now I have Ulrike, Matthias, Karin and myself in my Poesie Album. I want Thomas to write something in it too. Maybe Michael will even write something in it, but probably not. Ok, now I have to go take a shower.
(Later) I just called Birgit. The letters I wrote to the class 9b got there already and have been distributed to everyone.
May 6, 1980
I went to the doctor today to get my food handlers permit. They x-rayed my back and gave me two test tubes to fill with poop. I have to sent them in one right now and one in 4 weeks...yuck! Still no mail today. I finished reading "Monikas nicest day" and "A girl of 17 years" Both books were good. I jumped (Chinese Jump Rope) with Annette for a hour and afterwards we went to the Nose specialist. I went and ate an ice-cream before we went to the doctor. Annette went with roller-skates and I walked. Dr. Knepper is directly beside the ice-cream shop, so we bought another ice-cream afterwards...for Annette too. Dr. Knepper found out that I have a pretty bad sinus infection, that's why I always have the headache under the eyes. I have to sit under a lamp at my family Dr. Hoch and have to take nasal drops every 2 hours. It's going on my nerves. It hurts me when I do sports too. On the way home I kept flipping. That was fun. After I got home Rita came to visit. She kicked me in my butt bone. That hurt. I tried to eat a banana with Chinese sticks. I will learn how, soon. At 9:00 pm we went to the playground, first at Dudenstr. Then to Lessingstr. 30 across the street. Jacqueline and Rainer came too. I think they like each other, at least that's the way it looks. At 10:00 pm we all kissed each other goodnight (on the cheek) and went home. Jacqueline will pick me up to walk to school tomorrow. I want to continue a book today that I started: "Bernhard and Bianca". Let's see how far I'll get. But first I'm going to pack my backpack. I hope Dr. Hoch will give me something in writing so I don't have to participate in PE for 2 weeks. If I tell her that it still hurts me she probably will.
May 7, 1980
I liked school today. I like Volker, the new guy from 10th grade. He's cute. Let's see if I find out more stuff about him as time goes by. He seems to be a cool guy. I think he noticed that I kinda like him. Chorus was cool too. Andi is going with me again. After Chorus we went to Schauss. Tomorrow I will buy some plastic cups there. I still didn't get any mail. I spent the rest of the day with Rita (till 8:00 pm). Then I threw all of my clothes out of the closet and went through it all. I'm still not done putting everything back. I'll finish it tomorrow. It's 11:30 pm now and I'm going to bed. I'm not going to school for the first two hours tomorrow, cause Frau Shuette isn't there.
May 8, 1980
Today something weird happened to me. Was it coincidence? On my way to school this guy that I thought was really cute came out of Schillerstr. 19. I once told him "left two three four" when he was running and "give her a ride" when he was driving by on his moped. I went into Enajat and when I came out, he was standing across the street on the rail of the school. I always see him alone. I wonder if he's got a girlfriend. I wonder if he noticed me? Maybe I'll get to know him some day. Today I wrote another letter to Thomas. I hope he'll answer this one. I'm done with my closet now. I really like my room now. I like Pink Floyd and Nina Hagen. I also like Udo Lindenberg. And no one can change that. I like Sascha Hehn the best from all the stars. His birthday is in October also. One of my eyes is the same color as his. Our hair color is the same too. I went to Dr. Hoch today and I got a paper so I don't have to participate in PE with stupid Herr Funk for the next two weeks. I'm going to watch Schueler Express tomorrow. I'm going to order 6 pictures from the Chorus camp. Ok, now I'm going to pack my folders and then I'm going to bed. I hope I'm going to get mail tomorrow. I want to call Bernd tomorrow and ask him how come he doesn't write anymore.
May 9, 1980
Today, school was like always. They drove Kosshof crazy again. After school I went shopping with Jacqueline. We got home just in time for me to watch Schueler Express. Afterwards I went roller-skating with Rita. We went to the place by the fountain across from the restaurant Loewe again. Mama and Papa went to a meeting and probably won't be back until after 11:00 pm. I'm going to leave the music up till 10:00 pm, then I'll turn it down and go on the CB for a while. Maybe I can reach Aldo, cause I met him in front of the phone booth today.
May 11, 1980
I forgot to write down what was going on yesterday. Today I only remember that I didn't go to school, cause I overslept. After 3rd period I ended up roller-skating to school so I could go shopping with Rita. In the evening we went to the restaurant Zum Loewe, where I ate 2 ice-creams. A woman gave each of us 1,-DM. Today I went down there again with Rita. We saw a guy in a car who was really cute. He had to count all the motorcycles that drove by. I bought myself a bottle of apple-juice and Rita bough a bottle of coke. Rita said that if I make her laugh while she's drinking she'll pour the stuff on me. I didn't mean to and I didn't do it on purpose to make her angry or anything, but she ended up pouring the coke all over me and made everything wet. I was so mad, I took my bottle and poured some on her. I didn't say a word and I won't talk to her anymore, except for her to give me my stuff and I give her hers. Yesterday I called Eckhard. He handed the letters out a long time ago. Dirks shoulder is ok again. Rita was hollering Martin while we were down by the fountain...really loud. And this guy actually looked out of the window. God what a guy....yuck! We also met that woman again who gave us the money. Martin kept watching us...nasty! I think the guy who was counting the motorcycles liked me, cause he kept watching me. I hope I hear something from Thomas soon. It's about time I'll have a real boy- or girlfriend again who can really understand me.
May 13, 1980
I didn't have time to write yesterday, cause I was at the typing class. I made up with Rita. Kinda bad idea though, cause she's going on my nerves. Why am I such a softy? I went from door to door for a Signature thing for Mama. I keep dreaming about Thomas and Olymp, even though I don't even know Olymp. If Thomas doesn't write soon I'm going to Wiesbaden and find that Teen home he's living in. Golly, I have a lot to catch up in school. It's gonna take me a while. I got a little better in GL. In German too. Only in Math I'm still a little behind. I'm sitting here listening to Plattenkueche with Rita. Dumb cow! I'm gonna have to tell her more often that I don't have any time, cause I can't stand her right now.
May 16, 1980
Today we had a test in German. Eckhard wrote me. Yesterday and today I went to the fair. Yesterday there was this cute guy that wanted one of us to ride with him. Andrea finally did. He ended up putting his hand on her leg and kept sliding further up. I wanted to go with at first too, but was too chicken. I hope we'll run into Klaus again (that's that guy). Today another guy kept hitting on us. He was totally drunk. Another bald guy gave us two free chips and 2,-DM. Cool! On Wednesday I got to sit across from Volker. I wanted to look at him, so I did and he turned his head away. Then he looked and I turned my head away. He's so cute. I wish I could know who likes me, cause right now I have so many guys I like. Eckhard lives too far away, but Volker, Michael, Frank and some more that I don't know by name only from looks, are really cute.
May 21, 1980
The whole time I didn't feel like writing and besides I kept forgetting to. Yesterday I called Birgit. The blonde guys name, who told me my hair cuts, is Holger. Today Papas cousin came to visit. I was allowed to leave 10 minutes before school ended. I really like school now. And I have a crush on Volker. He's pretty good in school, but that's because he's repeating a grade. I would give a lot if he would like me. I need a boyfriend, but not a dumb one, but someone like Volker, or Thomas. Volker is cute and the way it looks, he's really nice too. Today in physics I watched him. I wanted to watch him for a longer period of time, but I couldn't do it. But I do think our eyes crossed paths a couple of time. In Chemistry I was sitting all the way in the back, cause we had a test and so I was able to look at him without getting caught. After the test was finished I went and sat beside Regina, right behind Volker. I guess I'm childish, but I can't help myself...falling for guys like that. I would love to get to really talking to Volker, but I'm so darn shy. I hope he doesn't have a girlfriend already. I'm gonna really try to lose weight, so I look nicer. Then maybe I can get Thomas too if not Volker, or someone else I like. But he's gotta be nice. Not like Frank Or Martin, cause them guys are totally stupid.
Sunday, May 25, 1980
I'm not sure if it's the 25th today, but I know it's Sunday. I went to visit Thomas today at the Teen home. Claudia came with me. Thomas looks a little like Holger, looks pretty good. Holger is 4 months younger than me and an Aquarius. Thomas is Cancer and will turn 17 on June 30th. The number of the Teen-home is 06121-460041. I already know it by heart. I know the address too. Lehrlingsheim Langendellschlag Wiesbaden Kohleck. They all seem to be all right. I'm not sure, but maybe they're like the class 9b in Hachenburg. I'm going again Tuesday morning. Claudia might come along again as well. Right now I have a really bad headache. Manueala is Thomas' girlfriend. I'm glad that he has a girlfriend and I hope she's good to him, cause Werner told me that Thomas has a lot of trouble at home. I talked to Thomas about his home and he said he got along ok with his mother, but his Stepdad is a total asshole. I can't talk with him on the CB anymore, cause someone stole his antenna. Oma was mad at me today...Shit!! Every time something is fun, somebody is going to tell you not to do it. The same thing with having a boyfriend, but I want a boyfriend, not just to have fun with. Today I went to the airport in Ruedesheim with Claudia and her parents. There were horses, but we weren't allowed to ride them. I didn't run into Jakob either. I didn't see Walter either. After that we went to pick flowers. Dumb!! I'm already looking forward to Tuesday. It's gonna be a change in pace. I don't care if Claudia is coming or not. I like my hair the way it is right now. I'm wondering what everybody else will say about it. I have to lose some weight, but I can't seem to do it alone and my Mom isn't any help either.
June 1, 1980
It's been a while that I wrote, but I haven't had any problems either. I went to the pool today. I swam about 800 meters. At first 450 meters, then 150 meters and 200 meters besides that. I went there with Rita around 2 pm. Andrea was there as well. There were a few guys there too...they all were flirting with Andrea. They just teased me. That was pretty mean. I think I'm a nice girl with a good character and that should be the main thing. Volker is nice. He has never made any rude remarks to me. Thomas is nice too.
June 6, 1980
I went to the pool at 3 pm today. I met Andrea and companions there. Kerstin was there as well. I think I found a great friend now. Michael and Stefan don't think very good of Kerstin. Stefan is cute, like Johnny Logan. Michael looks pretty good too. They made pretty stupid remarks. I talked to Kerstin and then I talked to Andrea about it. Afterwards Andrea talked to Michael and Johnny (Stefan). When we left Michael was a lot nicer to Kerstin. Volker is cute. Juergen is cute too. I think Juergen could be a great boyfriend. He's cute, nice and he likes me. Tomorrow I'm going to baby-sit with Kerstin. Afterwards we're going to go to the pool again. I think we're going to have a great friendship.
June 18, 1980
It was another nice day today. Yesterday I finally reached Juergen on the phone. Volker is cute.
June 23, 1980
I still didn't mail my letters to Manuela and Thomas. My book "Love at first sight" has been finished for a while now. I still like Juergen and Volker a lot. Volker lives in Neuhof. Either at Rosenweg, or Idsteiner Str. It can only be one of the two. Well, maybe I'll find out soon which one it is. Today I had GL class with him. I would love to go out with him. I don't think he's the kind of type who would want to go to bed with a girl right away. I think he's super. I just saw that the one on Idsteiner Str is some kind of furniture dealer, so it's probably the one on Rosenweg.
June 24, 1980
I hated the last hour in school today. The guys kept spitting spit-balls at me. I told them that I would smack them if they would hit me with them. Most of them quit after that, but Armin threw garbage at me. I warned him. I smacked him. Afterwards Kessler wanted to see if I was scared of him, so he pushed me and I smacked him too. Volker would never do anything like that.
June 25, 1980
Today Volker passed his drivers-license. It was his second try. The first words I ever said to him were: "Congratulations for passing your license." And he said "Thanks" in English. Tomorrow I'm going to tell him that he should throw a party now. He's so cute. His sister is in 7th or 6th grade. Her name is Sonja. His brother already works and his name is Wilfred and he's 19. He's born either 63 or 64.
July 8, 1980
I've talked to Volker a few times by now. I gave him an invitation for my birthday party too. I hope he'll be there. My Mom is getting worse and worse again. I can't stand her anymore..just like my Dad. I think that'll get better again when I get older. I can be pretty sure by now that Volker has a good character. At the Math party he ate 3 pieces of my cake. I can't stand Gerhard anymore. I have 6 pretend friends now. My doll Jenny-Marlene, 2 mice Mausi and Maeuschen. Mausi keeps sticking her snout in the air and Maeuschen's apron hangs crooked. That's how I can keep them apart. My big bear is Volker, Michael is the small bear and Fuzzi is the Koala. Then I have the Monchichi Monchi and Peter, Petra and Michelle. Petra and Peter are twins. Michelle is a small doll. Gabi is my Barbie. Then there is Maxi, my doll from Mexico and Susi the headphone head. Those are all of my pretend friends. They're my friends, cause they listen to me and they understand and they make me feel less lonely. Oh, I forgot my smallest friend Tschi. He's a really small Monchitchi. I'd love to have more real friends.
July 15, 1980
I finally got my poesie album back from Hachenburg, but only a few people wrote in it. I have a lot of problems with Mama nowadays. She keeps saying I'm lazy. I don't see why I should work my ass off now that I start working full-time in only 5 weeks, only cause I'm out of school. Just because I'm off and I have to start working full time soon, I want to relax, but Mama doesn't get that. I started being friends with Ulrike again. We pretty much talk about everything that's going on. I can trust her. Once I start my work and I get money, I'm going to buy Mama presents, so she's nice to me. I'm a lot at the Steins now. Kerstin came over today. I had my guitar fixed. Vera is stupid. She made me pay her 2.50 DM/hour to teach me guitar and Ulrike taught me more in one hour than Vera the whole time. Rita is stupid too. She steals and she lies just as bad as Andrea. I don't want anything to do with either of them anymore. Jacqueline moved, but she only lives 15 minutes away from me. I still like Volker a lot. Well, no wonder, cause he's the sweetest of all the boys I know. I'm going to send him a postcard from Murnau (that's where we're going for vacation). I'm calling myself Vampire Lady now. I mean my name to play guitar. I can't wait till July 20th. Aunt Else is coming. Too bad I won't see her much, cause I can talk to her...she understands me. Aunt Else is very nice, just like Frau VonStein. I can dance the Charleston now and I'm in the middle of composing a song. I want to call it Pamela Lee and it's about her taking heroin. Her home is prison. Every time she gets out, she does something bad so she can get back in, cause she can get heroin easier in prison than outside.
July 16, 1980
I had a fight with my Mom again today, but not really bad. I went to VonSteins again. It was pretty nice there. Today I finally got mail from Wiesbaden, but not from Thomas, but from Joerg-Michael (Meatloaf). I was very happy about it. The letter was pretty funny. I still got to take 3 letters to the mailbox. I'm just listening to Wunschkonzert, but I have to put the dishes in the dishwasher in a minute. My song "Pamela Lee" is already finished. I sent a copy to Joerg-Michael. July 19th we have grillfest at the Schutzhuette. Today I went to Hopf to get my tuner. It cost 9,15 DM. Volker is still the best.
July 18, 1980
Tomorrow is grillfest. I wrote a letter to Martin today. I hope I'm going to lose the guilty feeling I have about him. I still have a crush on Volker, but I know it'll never get returned. I went into town today. I got 20 bucks from Mama for helping. That's cool from her.
July 20, 1980
Today aunt Else and uncle Franz are coming. We're going on vacation in 3 days (Wednesday). That means I won't see them very much. Too bad. I hope I'm going to see Volker again soon. I got a total crush on him. Too bad I don't know if he likes me at all. I hope he at least likes me somewhat.
July 23, 1980
I don't want to go with them on vacation. It's gonna be totally stupid. Volker, help me! I want to get out of here. Everybody is ganging up on me and putting all the blame on me. Only aunt Else is nice. But nobody helps me and understands me. Nobody in this family loves me. If I go on vacation now it's just going to be stupid anyway. Everybody else can suffer with me..they deserve it. Gerhard is a stupid ass. Uncle Franz is stupid too... Papa and Mama too. Mama is never going to be my friend. Not her!!
(Later) The town is nice the air is messed. This vacation is going to be messed. I hope I'll at least meat some people here.
July 26, 1980
Yesterday I talked to Delta, Haifisch, Thomas 1, and Kaiman on the CB. If my parents and my brother wouldn't be here, the vacation would be awesome. Today I played a board-game with Rene (8) and Soeren (11). I was pretty fun. Haifish is Aquarius and his real name is Lothar . He lives in Gundelsheim.
August 2, 1980
I feel great. Today I'm going to the Disco. Ralf is not allowed to go with me.
August 8, 1980
Today I was, like lately every day, at the pool with Andrea again. We're always in a gang there. Andrea, Kerstin, Ulrike, Yvonne, Manuela, Annette, Sabine, Susi, Hartmut, Herbert, Thomas, Thomas, Matthias, and so on I like Hartmuth the best, but I still like Volker better. Ralf lives too far away. I can't wait till the day after tomorrow.
August 20, 1980
Today I had a nice evening. The day was ok. I like Jens and Axel at work, but I don't really care for Harald... he's weird. Maybe he's different when you get to know him. Jens told me he was going to come for my birthday. I hope he'll really come. I can't wait till the party.
August 25, 1980
A lot has happened in the last little bit. Everybody was really nice at the Seminar in Loehnberg. From Loehnberg, I'm only writing Otto (Stefan). He's pretty cute. Besides that I'm writing 24 people. Today I went to my new school for the first time. As soon as I walked in the door I started fighting with the teacher. I belong to the kaufmannische and he wanted to send me to the gewerbliche. Everybody laughed. Everybody is nice. I immediately felt "home". One boy in particular is cute. Actually, except for Gerald, Peter and his neighbor, all of them are pretty good looking, but that one is looking the best from all of them. He's a little wild, has brown eyes and seems to be ok. I already talked pretty extensively to two girls and one boy. Stefan (Andrea's ex-boyfriend) is there as well.
September 7, 1980
Ok, finally I took some time again to write everything down. I still like it a lot at Toom Markt. 2 work-weeks already passed. Jens is pretty nice I think. To tell the truth, I can't think of anyone I mentioned in the book so far, that I would like to be my real boyfriend except for Volker. Now, Jens might fit to that too. Harald is a little icky. I want to get Funny as my foster-horse. My birthday is coming up pretty soon. Tomorrow I have to tell Karin that it doesn't work Saturday. I'm going to invite Stefen, Jens, Holger, Michael, or Andreas. I might just go to eat ice-cream. I'm going to celebrate Monday, right on my birthday. I like everything better at work than being in regular school. Only, I miss Volker. I don't see him very often anymore and when I do it's only for a second. Rita is dumb. I don't think Martin remembers me cause of my haircut, but who knows. At least I hope he doesn't remember me. Dumb ass! On Monday I'm going to get my OSL cards for the CB in Bleidenstadt. One of these days I will go to Mrs. Ertel to play guitar with her. I already learned a lot. Now I have a tuner, and a book to teach me. Right now I don't really have any problems, only the ones that I always have..my parents and my brother. But that's nothing new. Well, and that I'm too fat, but that has to change soon, cause I want a boyfriend. One that understands and loves me for who I am though.
October 6, 1980
Today I celebrated my birthday. I found out that Volker is nicer than Jens. Jens already had a lot of girlfriends too, Volker has only had one girlfriend. That's cool. Volker asked me how come I invited him and I told him cause I thought he was the most mature boy in the class. It's the truth, but really I invited him, cause I liked him from the very beginning and I would like to get to know him better. I'm doing my drivers-license test tomorrow.
October 9, 1980
Work sucked today. Everybody bitched at me. Jens didn't even say hello to me. When I got home I wanted to cruise on my moped, but I'm not allowed to. I wish Volker was my boyfriend, then I wouldn't be so damn lonely. He's the right kinda guy for it too. I really like him!
November 9, 1980
I'm going to lose weight starting tomorrow. I know I can do it. Once I'm skinnier, Volker will probably like me better. God will help me to not be so lonely. I hope it's in his plans for me to be with Volker, cause otherwise I never will be. God understands me though. He's the only one that can help me though. I don't believe in God, I know he exists. I hope he won't tolerate a war between Russia and the US, cause we would end up in the middle of it. Harald is a pretty good guy, but he doesn't fit to me. I don't know if I should write Volker a letter..I really don't know. I don't think I have enough guts to. I made enough steps. He's wonderful. And the way it sounded from what he was saying at my birthday party, he's true to his girls. I hope I'm going to lose 10 kg and then I'll go see him again. My dream weight is 50 kg. I like going to work, but right now I would love to go to school, just because I would have more time off and because of Volker. Volker has..or better his parents have a nice house in Neuhof, close to the cemetery. It's close to the Orchideenstrasse and Nelkenstrasse, as well as the Flowerstrasse. His Dad does something with singing. His house is the second house on the left side, from the corner of the street. I miss Volker. I think we should be together. If we belong together, God will lead us together. I don't get along with some of the people at work. Frau Heuser, Uschi, Frau Wolf, Frau Hahn and Harald are pretty nice. I don't get a lot of contact with the butchers, Conni, Birgit, Alex, Sven, Jens and the others in the meat. I don't really get along with Frau Bendel, Frau Wittenberg, Monika and Frau Uremovic. I like Manuela the best at work. I think everyone likes me at school. I like everyone there. Mom and Dad are mad at me at the moment. They keep saying I'm lazy. Since I'm working now, I want to play guitar in my free time. Besides, I need to finish my book "Love at first sight". Then there is Ralf, Petra, Soeren and Christiane, who want to have letters from me. Then there is God. I help dry dishes. That's enough. It's too much for me a lot of times, but I need to get used to it. I have to make time for other people too. I don't care about Gerhard.
November 15, 1980
I'm in the middle of dieting. I've been taking Dr. Kausa for the last three days. Since Monday I'm taking Modifast. I want to at least get to 60 kg. 1-2 kg more would be nice. I don't believe Jacqueline when she says she only weighs 60 kg, cause she's almost as big as me. Next Monday I'm going to the Disco. I can't wait to see Volker again, but I don't think he'll go to the Disco. I can't wait to have enough money to renovate my room. Light blue, and baby rose. God is different for me. Volker is important too though. I feel a little guilty about that, but a Father should be able to forgive his daughter (And God is my father) and wish her a nice friendship.
Friday, November 28, 1980
It's a stupid day. First this stupid teacher (Herr Schwalbach) says without reason "Fat Owl" to me and then, when I got home, Mom accused me of messing around with boys and that I was drunk last night. I can't stand people being drunk. I only looked like that from riding my mofa, but that idea doesn't cross her mind. Volker fixed my mofa yesterday. He's neat. Why can't my parents understand me? There's such great parents out there who can understand almost everything, why did I get parents like that? Dear God, please let the time to my adulthood not seem so long. Then I'm going to move far far away, maybe with Volker. REALLY far, then I won't see any of these retards anymore. Never again! Maybe then Mama and I get along better again. Right now she's just a dumb cow.
Monday, December 1, 1980
Today I went to school and went to Volker during my breaks. I taped a Kiss tape for him yesterday, cause he doesn't know Kiss yet. Volker uses the words "no good" a lot. Thursday night I drove Volker home with my mofa. He was trying to give me directions when we got to Neuhof, but I told him I knew where he lived. He's so cute. He said "How did you know exactly where I live?" And I said "Well, gotta know it!" And he's like "Sure". This afternoon Andrea, Kerstin, Peter and I got together. Kerstin ran off later and Peter said he can't stand her. I asked him if he liked me at all and he said "10 x better than Kerstin". He said I was pretty ok. I wish Volker would tell me that.
Advice from within:
Dear Monika. Please always remember what I'm telling you. Don't ever act like someone you are not. If you feel like crying, cry. That's not bad. Don't think so much about the future, but think of today. Don't think so much about the past either. Don't take anything to get out of this world, cause you'll always come back down, but then your problems are 3 fold. And don't try to get out of this world completely, cause you will be more alone than you feel now. There's always hope and remember you can't always win.
Thursday, December 4, 1980
I want to write again. Volker is the sweetest boy in the world. He has a great personality. I would love to have him for a boyfriend. My mother screams all day long. She says I'm lazy and my Dad says that too, but I'm at work all day long. Yesterday when I was off from work, I cleaned the whole kitchen up..you'd think they would notice that, but they didn't. No, but screaming..that's what they do, cause I left the toaster out. It was still hot anyway. Oh well. I like it better in the meat department with Uschi and Adelheid instead of the Wurst department. There's no team-work. I can learn a lot from Adelheid. Gerhard is so stupid. At first he says I chew with my mouth open and make noises, then he says I take the whole table and then he says I never brush my teeth. Yeah right, I brush my teeth at least once a day and Gerhard hardly ever. And now he even says I have greasy hair. He said that last night at 5:00 pm and I had washed them in the morning at 10:00 am. Oh yeah, and then he keeps saying I smell like meat. I'm gonna write later how Haro was today. I just got mail from Yves Rocher. Maybe I'll send Volker a Christmas package with a tape-recorder in it and a few tapes. I like Sylvia (Harald's sister). She's nice. I have to call her. Ok, I'll write some more later, cause I have to go back to work.
(Later) Got back from work...Harald wasn't even there.
Sunday, December 7, 1980
It's already pretty late (or maybe really early), but I want to write anyway. I forgot to write yesterday. I had to work till 2 pm today. Harald was at work today and yesterday too. Yesterday Uschi, Jens and Harald said that if I had to choose between marrying Harald and Jens, that I would rather marry Jens. Harald actually got jealous.. Jens started getting funny. Harald asked me if I ever slept with anyone...he's stupid. Yesterday I went to his sister Sylvia. She's really nice and has a really cool room. The whole house is really neat. Today Andrea came to Toom Markt and wanted to know if I wanted to go to Andreasmarkt with her. I told her if I was allowed to go then yes. Frau Wolf said that I was lame. She's dumb. Harald said I was naive and Jens said I was too fat...well, he's right. I was allowed to go to Andreasmarkt. I washed my hair before I left. I had 26 DM and I borrowed 1 DM from Andrea. At first we just walked around. We were looking for the Ferris wheel, cause we were supposed to meet Pit and Thomas there, but there was no Ferris wheel. We went and bought hot Maronen for 1.50DM and ate them. Then we went and got smokes for 3,-DM. Then we went to a place for 1.50DM. It was so foggy you weren't able to see anything. You had to feel yourself through it. Then we rode the scooters, went to the ghost town and then we went to the restaurant and ate Dampfnudel. Afterwards we went to a machine who gave us our fortune. Then we found Peter and Thomas. We went and ate another Dampfnudel. I got my horoscope out of another machine and drove the scooters again. Then we went to Petersburg Slayride and a guy who worked there was hitting on Andy. Then some guy was asking me my name. When I asked him why he said that this other guy wanted to know. I told him my name. (He was cute or I would've told him my name was Ottilie). The other guy came over and told me that the other guy lied, that he was the one who wanted to know...then they left. Idiots. Then I wrote one more time and walked to the bus station. Andrea didn't have to go till later, but she still walked me to the bus. The bus came soon after. I told Andrea that if she would see the guy who asked my name again to tell him hi from me and ask him for his address. Let's see if she did it. I'll write later.
(Later)My lucky number is 19. This evening I might end up going back to the Andreasmarkt with my parents. Andrea didn't tell the guy.
Monday, December 8, 1980
It was too late to write again last night. Mama, Papa, and I went to the Andreasmarkt. I went straight to the Petersburger Slayride. First though, I won a donkey at the lottery. At the slayride I met a girl who has taken LSD before. She said she took it just for the heck of it... but do you do stuff like that just for the heck of it? Her name is Siggi (Siegrid) and lives at Eschbornstrasse in Wiesbaden, close to the Ice-skating rink. She seems to be nice. Volker gave me a cigarette again today. He didn't come out on 2nd break. I had and still have a fight with Kerstin and Andrea. I made a scarf a hat and a band for my head. Tomorrow I'll start on gloves.
Tuesday, December 9, 1980
Nothing new today. I'm not writing much, cause I have a headache. Tomorrow I'll write what was going on with Uschi.
Thursday, December 11, 1980
I forgot to write again yesterday. Ok, first the happenings from the 9th. Uschi was telling me that my parents are totally old-fashioned...in every way. And to today: Haro is going on my nerves more and more. I like his sister Sylvia more and more. Today I talked to a boy and he seems really nice. He looks kinda cute too, but I still would like to be with Volker. Uschi is really nice. My friends right now are Uschi and Sylvia. I hope Sylvia and I become close friends. It would be a wonderful friendship. I might even show her the diary and that means something.
Friday, December 12, 1980
I just wanted to write to say that I quit smoking today and that I'm going to leave Volker alone, cause I think I'm starting to go on his nerves. I'm totally blind. How can I hope to be Volkers girlfriend one day when he doesn't even like me. It's sad, but I need to move on. Harald is a real idiot. He always talks about having sex and stuff like that. Doris told me that Volker had a bad day today and I can't just forget about him. I didn't see the new guy today...the one that's so nice. I can't keep thinking about Volker all the time. I need to quit liking him so much. It has to stop!!
Saturday, December 13, 1980
I can't believe the story Harald told at work. He said that I came to his house yesterday and that I gave him a kiss and asked for 50,-DM. What a dumb asshole. He doesn't even have to think about talking to me anymore. I will never talk to him again. Dumb ass.
Wednesday, December 17, 1980
Boy I didn't write for a little while.... I get along great again with Andrea. Kerstin is still weird... too bad... I don't understand her. I showed Andrea my diary today. I think I can trust her. When I called Sylvia three days ago, Haro asked his Mom if the caller was Miss Piggy. His mother told me that Haro was sitting in the corner all happy. Dumb ass. Yesterday, some guy was working on the ceiling at Toom. First Uschi said: "Tomorrow we'll have good weather, the monkeys are climbing.", cause him and another guy kept going up and down the ladder. I ended up talking to the cute guy. The other guy asked me if the cow tongue was bull tongue, then the cute guy was all concentrating on his newspaper and I went by and said: "Interesting, interesting." He just laughed. Then I asked him if he wasn't done with work yet and he said that he had to work till 8 pm and usually he worked nights. He said he lives 80 km from here and the firm was in Offenbach. Maybe he's still here on Thursday. Today I was playing like I was in school with Andrea. Kerstin is mad. I bought 7 LP's and I got a big TV. Volker is cute. I never saw that other cute guy again.
Thursday, December 18, 1980
Kerstin wrote me and I go the letter today. Pretty messed up. The name of the guy from Lager is Dieter. I sent Volker a Christmas card.
Wednesday, December 24, 1980
And people call this Christmas? I could kill myself. I don't have the opportunity for it or I would've done it already. Then I would be in God's hands and gone from this cruelsome world. I hate life. I'll never be Volker's girlfriend anyway. That was the only thing that was helping me hang on. Shit world. I want Volker. I hate this world.
Saturday, December 27, 1980
Christmas was so boring. On the 2nd holiday, Andrea and I went to the Golden Angel (Bar) and it was fun from the beginning. Tomorrow there's gonna be a lot of people my age at that bar. I can't wait. Today I really got to know Marcus (American). I like him. Volker doesn't like me, cause he would've answered by now if he did like me. Too bad, cause I really do like him a lot. I never felt like that before. He's the first. Oh well, I'm not going to have a crush on him forever, I'll get over him sooner or later and I won't be an old Maid. So I can't go around waiting for something that won't happen anyway. Maybe I'll meet someone new tomorrow.
Sunday, December 28, 1980
Well, there were very few good people there. W. Ritter was sitting on one of the tables with his friends and there was no place left. So we went to the Pizza place next door. the Pizza was good. Marcus T. is really nice. He was not very fair when it came to the James Dean movie however. But I think I would react the same way. This stupid ass Harald. I hate him. And he's ugly on top of it all. His friends are just as stupid as him. Oh well, let's leave this dumb ass alone. Marcus and I had a good talk. Sylvia asked me if I still wanted to get to know Dieter, just because I talked to Marcus so well. I don't want either one of them. I want Volker. He's still the best boy from whole Europe and maybe even from the whole world. I love him and even though he doesn't like me, I still love him and hope he will find a really nice girl since he doesn't want me. I hope he doesn't fall for the wrong type of girl. But Volker isn't in a hurry. I already found that out.